Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 1976

Hey folks. You know how there’s the forty-year rule when it comes to nostalgia? How people will look back on things from forty years earlier and make projects that take inspiration from that? It seems like that was the case for music in 2013 and 2014, which had plenty of throwback songs in them. Granted, we also saw other things crop up those years, such as the spike in popularity of things like EDM and bro country, but let’s just stick with the topic of the ‘70s for now. So, what was music like back in the ‘70s? Well, I admit I wouldn’t know; I was born in the ‘90s so I mostly have the Internet to go off of. However, from what I’ve heard this was generally a very good decade. It was the golden age of rock and roll, the age of disco and boogieing, the age of Soul Train and funk and the Jackson Five. So with all this, I’ve been excited about the possibility of getting to delve into a year from this decade and get some experience as to just how good the decade really was.

That brings us to the year that ultimately got selected for me to review this time around: 1976. And while I didn’t exist for another fifteen years after the fact, just looking back on the music at the time, all I can say is this year was glorious. This year gave us a little of everything: soul, funk, rock ‘n’ roll, blues, R&B, disco and even crossover country music. There was a little of something for everyone. Nowadays, you mostly get dreary trap-produced hip-hop or squeaky-clean easy listening music, but ’76 was a lot more diverse in its music selection and on the whole that music selection was just great. It’s not even just the matter of there being lots of good music, but that all of it was amazingly good! In fact, I may need to make a completely separate list for all of the songs that didn’t make it into the top 10 best list for this year, just because there was that much amazingly good music!

Of course, before we get to the good music, we’ll need to start out by focusing on the areas where this year, sadly, didn’t hold up as well, because while this year belonged to the likes of the Bee Gees, the Ohio Players and Queen, it also unfortunately has bits that belong to Abba, the Captain and Tennille and post-sellout Chicago. In contrast to the worst hits from 1991, which were mostly lazily pretentious, and those from 2001, which were mostly mindless and stupid, the worst hit songs of 1976 are slices of lame seventies cheese. Some people may be able to tolerate that more than me, and to those people I apologize for ripping into music you like, but it’s not like this year didn’t offer much better options that you could have gone with in terms of seventies classics. First things first though, let’s start by diving into our dishonorable mentions, starting with…

If You Leave Me Now (Chicago) [48; 1; 17 weeks]

I’m not a Chicago fan by any means, nor am I a hater. I just kind of disregard this band honestly. This song, however, seems to be the point where the band officially sold out and became a soft rock act. I’d like to think I’m more tolerant of the genre than most, but I still feel like this song was a failure. It waists what might’ve been a decent brass section, the lyrics are clichéd as Hell, and Peter Cetera’s vocal performance fails to convey any sense of heartbreak or loss or anything that would suggest he had any kind of investment in the relationship.

Hit the Road Jack (The Stampeders) [--; 40; 2 weeks]

Ugh. Note to all you up and coming singers out there: if you’re going to cover a classic song, make sure you can actually perform the song! The singer on this track is barely able to hit the notes and it is noticeably strenuous on his voice for him to do so! I know it’s probably pointless to make the comparison, but he cannot hold a candle to Ray Charles’s performance. And that’s before we get into the stupid spoken portions at the beginning and end of the song, which are just about the guy in the song trying to stay with some friends and getting turned down. So in other words they served no purpose, sort of like the existence of this cover.

Save Your Kisses For Me (Brotherhood of Man) [--; 27; 4 weeks]

Not much to say about this one. The lyrics are forgettable, it’s got a lackluster, nursery-rhyme melody and the whole thing is so saccharine it’ll make your teeth rot.

More More More (Andrea True Connection) [17; 4; 16 weeks]

This song is annoyingly repetitive, and get used to hearing me say that because that’s a huge problem with a number of these songs.  I guess I should also add that the song puts forth little effort to create the sexy, danceable atmosphere it’s going for, and instead of sounding tight and energetic, it just sounds stiff and boring.

Hello Old Friend (Eric Clapton) [--; 24; 6 weeks]

Now here’s an awkward, clumsy little ditty. In terms of lyrical delivery, the song basically just chooses three random situations that the narrator finds himself in and doesn’t even try to connect them. I get the feeling he didn’t have anyone proofread the final product before performing or recording it. Of course, that’s not the worst part of the song; that would be the incredibly obnoxious brass instrument blasting in at the beginning of the song and at the end of every iteration of the chorus.

Love To Love You Baby (Donna Summer) [41, 2, 13 weeks]

This song’s so repetitive it sounds like it’s just a broken record being played on repeat. Its most prominently used lyric, “I love to love you baby” is repeated a grand total of twenty-six times throughout the song. The only other lyrics are three sets of two-bar lines, two of which are repeated, and all of which have the last three syllables repeated at the end.

Fly, Robin, Fly (The Silver Convention) [14; 9; 4 weeks]

And here’s yet another incredibly repetitive song. However, this one is provided courtesy of the German group the Silver Convention. This is one of two hits that they had this year, with this one originally charting the previous year and charting higher, but I’ll still be covering both songs; one now and one later. This one is arguably the better song, but it’s still seriously lacking. I don’t know why they decided to use only six words in the song, or why they felt the need to fill up the empty space that the singers couldn’t fill with unimpressive musical interludes. That said, as far as using those six words, this song does okay I guess.

You Are My Starship (Norman Connors ft. Michael Henderson) [--; 27; 10 weeks]

…In case it isn’t clear by now, I really don't like songs that overdo themselves with repetition. In this case though, the repetition only serves to highlight how much of a selfish prick the narrator is by insisting the person he’s singing to take him out rather than offering to do so, and also insisting that they arrive on time.

Island Girl (Elton John) [65; 32; 2 weeks]

Elton John really shouldn’t be performing reggae music. It’s seriously not his genre.

And with that, wake up everybody! No more sleepin’ in bed! We’re counting down…

…THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF 1976!

#10

Now, when it comes to artists covering certain subject matters, in some cases, you can generally tell what artist would be best for addressing a particular subject. You want an artist that can write a really good sex song? Go to Usher. Need someone to write a decent brag rap that actually has the talent and charisma to back it up? Have a word with Jay-Z. Need to write a good dance song that can actually make people dance? See Red One, Dr. Luke, Max Martin, or any number of other pop producers out there; I’m sure you’ll find one. The point I’m making is that, for the most part, each artist has a specific genre of song that he or she works well with. That doesn’t mean that those artists necessarily can’t cover other subject matters, but those are the areas that they are strongest in. If an artist is capable of reaching into other types of music or has a more diverse palette, more power to them. However, in some cases, maybe it would’ve been better for the artist to just stick with what they knew.

#10. Tonight’s the Night (Gonna Be Alright) (Rod Stewart) [--; 1; 11 weeks]

This is one of four songs of Rod Stewart’s that made it to the number one spot on Billboard. This was also around the time of Rod Stewart’s high point in terms of his success, though if this song’s any indication it probably wasn’t his peak in quality. This was apparently Rod Stewart trying his hand at the slow, seductive love ballad. Now, I’m not saying that Rod Stewart isn’t capable of coming across as a lady’s man; indeed, he’s had quite the romp with many a young lady, and has likely gotten his freak on with more people than I, or likely anyone reading this review, ever will. So, if anyone was in a position to consider himself a lady’s man, it was probably Rod Stewart. That said he really didn’t seem capable of pulling it off in his music, at least in this song anyway.

There are two reasons this song made it on this list. First and foremost, at the time this song came out, Rod Stewart was a soul and blues artist. While I’m not really a fan of his music, I at least understand that his better songs were the ones that came from those genres, at least at this point in his career; songs that were about depression, misery and drinking. ‘Tonight’s the Night’ doesn’t fall into any of those categories though; it’s a song about Rod Stewart trying to pass himself as a romantic lover seductively escorting a lady to bed with him. I’m sorry; considering what the rest of his discography conveyed, he is not capable of making a song like this and having it work. Sure, he may have pulled it off in his personal life, but he didn’t pull it off here. Now yes, he did release a number of songs about having sex, but the thing is those songs drew on his background in rock ‘n roll, which is not exactly a genre known for being smooth and sultry like this song is trying to be. In fact, the contrast between those other songs and this is kind of jarring and indicate just how far out of his element Rod Stewart is when trying to write seductive love songs. I mean, he calls the lady he’s singing to in the song ‘virgin child’? Who talks like that? Who refers to a woman, or even a younger lady that they’re about to have sex with as a ‘virgin child’?

The second and probably the biggest reason this song doesn’t work is Rod Stewart’s vocal delivery. To put it bluntly, his voice just isn’t the right fit. This kind of song calls for someone with smoother, sultrier vocals, which Rod Stewart simply does not have. His voice is too rough and raspy; he sounds like an old man who’s had one too many pints of booze. In terms of his other songs, the vocals work because the blues and soul songs he performed sounded like he was putting his all into them, and even the rock songs in his discography matched his vocals better than they do on a song like this. Apparently there were moments in his career as a musician where he’d need to get drunk to feel comfortable performing, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the recording of this song was one of those moments. Seriously though ladies, play this song, close your eyes and tell me if this voice sounds like that of a man you’d want to get it on with.

Considering this song made it to #1 on Billboard, I’m assuming that means that at least someone believed that there was something beautiful about this song. And if you do, then have at it. As for me though, I’ll pass on getting seduced by my inebriated grandpa. No Rod Stewart, I don’t think you’re sexy. Just thought I’d let you know.

#9

Back in the ‘50s and ‘60s, doo-wop music was probably one of the more dominant forces on mainstream radio. It was light, it was catchy, and it was everywhere. At least that was the case up until the British invasion around 1962, when Beatlemania took this country by storm. At that point British rock was the big trend and R&B and American rock and roll acts suffered as a result. One such artist whose career took a serious nosedive with the arrival of Brit rock was Neil Sedaka, an American pop/rock singer, pianist, composer and record producer. The guy had quite a number of hits, including three #1 hits, including his most iconic song from 1962, ‘Breaking Up is Hard To Do.’ That song, in my honest opinion, is awful; just a stupid, brainless little ditty with bad writing, completely mismatched tone with the song’s subject matter and Sedaka’s singing at his campiest and least emotionally invested yet.

Anyway, like other ‘50s and early ‘60s artists, his career should have been over the instant the Beatles came to these shores. However, in the mid-‘70s his career ended up getting a revival thanks in no small part to Elton John, who had been a long time fan of Sedaka and got him signed onto his record label, the Rocket Record Company. And within a year of signing Sedaka went on to release five top 40 hits, three of which made it into the top ten, including a slow ballad remake of ‘Breaking Up is Hard To Do.’ This made Neil Sedaka the first artist to have an instant where two versions of the same song charted in the top 10. However, much like it’s predecessor, the remake is also complete crap.

#9. Breaking Up Is Hard to Do (slow version) (Neil Sedaka) [91; 8; 11 weeks]

To Sedaka’s credit, this version of the song is an improvement on the original; his vocals sound better, and he at least got the tone right. When I first listened to this song, I heard the original and decided immediately that it was going on this list. However, upon hearing the slow ballad version, I actually questioned whether or not it deserved to be here. Surely enough of the song had been improved upon that I could be merciful and leave it be, right? Surely I could allow some leniency and take it off the list, couldn’t I?

Sadly, the answer is ‘no.’ Yes; it’s an improvement on the original song. Yes, his vocals aren’t as campy and carefree as they were on the original and yes he got the tone right. However, those things alone aren’t enough to salvage the song for me. While the tone and vocals have changed from the original, the lyrics are exactly the same, and they’re still just as impersonal and underwritten as they were before. And while his vocals are at least less campy than they were on the original, I feel no emotional investment in this song. And it’s a shame I have to put it that way because Neil Sedaka is capable of performing sad songs like ‘Our Last Song Together’ and ‘Going Nowhere’ and performing them well, but this? He sounds like he’s on autopilot, and there’s no passion or anything to indicate that he gives a crap about this relationship! I’ve heard that some artists are able to take what’s otherwise an underwritten song and inject it with personality and charisma and make the song their own, but this does the exact opposite, taking a song that was originally strongly associated with Neil Sedaka, then disassociating it from him completely!

And speaking of remade songs that are worsened in some way compared to the original…

#8.

I honestly feel bad for artists whose only hit is a cover. It seriously undermines the talent of the performer or performers, and it’ll undoubtedly be compared in some way or another to the original, and not often in a positive light. And in some cases that’s not fair. After all, we are still able to get really good song covers. Jimmy Hendrix’s only song to place in the top 20 on Billboard was a cover of a Bob Dylan song, and that song revolutionized rock music. For another example, Soft Cell’s cover of the Ed Cobb song ‘Tainted Love’ completely eclipsed the original in the eyes of the public at large. And, of course, there’s Alien Ant Farm’s cover of Michael Jackson’s ‘Smooth Criminal,’ which took an already awesome song and created an equally as awesome variant of it that impressively translated what was originally an electronically produced song to wood and metal instruments.

However, it’s not like I don’t understand why people would look down on song covers. Too often a cover completely misses the point or meaning that the original was trying to convey and is either unmemorable enough that it gets swept under the rug or terrible enough that it’s seen as an insult to the original. A good example of this is Limp Bizkit’s cover of George Michael’s ‘Faith,’ a song that single handedly justifies my hatred for the band. Another is Pseudo Echo’s cover of ‘Funkytown,’ which ended up being the band’s only hit, and was hilariously enough originally the one hit of the original group that performed the song, Lipps Inc. And as it happens, there are actually four terrible cover songs that I’ll be covering on this list, the first of which we’ll be addressing right now. And with that, let’s talk about Nazareth.

#8. Love Hurts (Nazareth) [23; 8; 14 weeks]

Nazareth are a hard rock band from Scotland, originally founded in 1968. The name was based on Nazareth, Pennsylvania, which is brought up in the first line of the song ‘The Weight’ by The Band. Honestly, as far as rock bands go, they didn’t really do a lot to distinguish themselves enough to warrant much success outside of the UK, but their cover of the Everly Brothers song ‘Love Hurts’ ended up becoming their biggest hit song, charting in the top 10 in the US, as well as nine other countries, even managing to reach the #1 spot in six of them. Of course, it doesn’t make much sense how it was this song of all songs that ended up being a hit; one, because it’s not really an accurate representation of the band, and two, because this particular cover of the song just completely sucks.

Look, as far as rock bands go, Nazareth did nothing to make themselves stand out. Their music was just plain boring; it all sounded like this dull gray sludge with lead singer Dan McCafferty coughing out these incredibly obnoxious vocals that sound like he’s hacking out one of his lungs. So, I don’t know how they were expecting to be able to take a soft, 1960s pop hit and make it sound good. McCafferty tries to go for a sad, downtrodden melody, but instead it just sounds like someone with a speech impediment tried to sing karaoke after one too many rounds of gin. The music doesn’t help matters either, just conveying the feeling of having been burned by love in this ugly, muddy gray haze that blotches over whatever emotion the song’s trying to go for.

Granted, I’m not sure if there’s any way this particular cover could’ve been done well, considering even the original song wasn’t exactly all that great to begin with. I mean, it was from the early ‘60s, where most of the music was just cookie-cutter, dime-a-dozen generic music that just rode the trends of the times with little that stood out one way or the other. So, as you could imagine, this particular song’s original version was lackluster and underwritten. The lyrics are completely disposable and unmemorable, only speaking about love in vague generalizations and similes, going on about how other people are fooled by love and how they’re wrong to think of it in any kind of positive light and lacking any kind of concrete examples of how the narrator has actually been hurt by love.

I just don’t buy into the idea that love is as horrible or as painful as these guys are trying to make me believe. It’s not even just an issue of the song itself; I don’t buy that the band even believes themselves when they say that love is so awful and hurts so much more often than naught. Nazareth, if you want to wallow in your own misery about love, go on ahead, but just don’t go crying to me about it.

#7

I said I’d be getting back to this group. And here they are again.

#7. Get Up and Boogie (The Silver Convention) [24; 2; 15 weeks]

You know all the criticisms I made about ‘Fly Robin Fly’ several pages ago? Well, pretty much all the same criticisms I made about that song also apply with ‘Get Up and Boogie.’ However, while I was willing to show leniency with ‘Fly Robin Fly’ since it at least made decent use out of its incredibly pointlessly limited lyrics, the same can most definitely not be said of ‘Get Up and Boogie’. That song tosses most of the words right into the chorus, and doesn’t have enough words to use to fill out the rest of the song. The best they can do is to say ‘Boogie’ occasionally between each repetition of the one verse in the song.

Furthermore, the instrumental bits in this song just grate on my nerves. The production is like a hodge-podge of mixed up musical effects, from the stiff, lifeless guitar bits to the keyboard that sounds like a child is banging on it. And of course, all of it is topped off with a string segment that makes me wince every time I hear it. It’s a musical mish-mash of everything but the kitchen sink.

But let’s be fair here; it’s a dance song, it’s not trying to be avant garde or anything. It exists for one purpose and one purpose only: to make the listener dance. So surely it can do that much at least, right? Unfortunately, it seems that even this simple task is too much to ask of the song, since the singers seem to be putting forth no effort with urging the audience to dance, and the music itself is too stiff and too unfocused to create an atmosphere in which the listener would want to do so. So even by the very, very low standard the song’s setting for itself it completely fails.

So, in summary, the song has barely any lyrics, which it doesn’t use effectively, a positively messy production that fails to create the atmosphere the song wants to go for, and completely fails at achieving the one goal that it set for itself. Sorry Silver Convention, but we have no interest in saving you…or flying up to the sky…or getting up and boogieing. Next!

#6

Oh, I do not see people taking kindly to me for this…

#6. Hurt (Elvis Presley) [--; 28; 5 weeks]

Okay, before people start swinging their bitch sticks at me, let me at least say that yes, I realize that I’m basically committing sacrilege by even mentioning the King on a worst list, and that I’m being especially disrespectful considering this was one of the last songs he released before he died a year later. I am not trying to slander Elvis Presley in any way, and if you’re a fan of his work, that’s fine; more power to you. Hell, I even grew up listening to his music, since my parents would constantly play his records for my siblings and myself to listen to. Elvis has an impressive legacy behind him and was probably one of the most influential figures in music from the ‘50s to the early ‘70s. However, considering the mid-‘70s saw him suffering from serious depression after breaking up with his wife, as well as serious deterioration to his health brought on by repeatedly overdosing on prescription drugs, I think that maybe, just maybe, this shouldn’t exactly be regarded as one of the finer points in his music career.

This is the second of the four cover songs that will be appearing on this list. I know this song was probably one of his most critically praised songs at this point in his career, but I probably wouldn’t regard it as one of the best songs of his entire career, though probably because of my own personal distaste for it. And it’s a shame that I have to say it like that because, honestly, Elvis Presley was capable of making really good, really emotive sad, or even just heartfelt songs; ‘Heartbreak Hotel,’ ‘Blue Moon,’ ‘Old Shep,’ ‘Love Me Tender,’ ‘Can’t Help Falling In Love,’ ‘Blue Christmas,’ ‘That’s When Your Heartaches Begin,’ ‘Are You Lonesome Tonight.’ The guy’s proven time and again that he was capable of making really emotionally driven songs as naturally as breathing. And yet on ‘Hurt,’ where it feels like he’s actually putting forth a tangible amount of effort, the only emotion he elicits from me is the feeling of watching a depressed drunk screaming into the microphone on karaoke night at the bar. Why is that?

Well, for starters, Elvis didn’t utilize his strengths well with this song. Elvis was at his best when he was being smooth and sultry. Yes, he was capable of belting and making it sound well, as ‘Burning Love’ and ‘Hound Dog’ demonstrated, but for the most part he was at this strongest when his vocals were softer and more soulful. And unfortunately, belting was what he put forth on this song, much to his detriment. Normally I like bombast, but these overblown, almost shouted vocals on this song just don’t sound good coming from Elvis’s voice.

As for the other reason, as I stated before, this was the point in his career where the King was basically on his last legs as far as his health was concerned. And I seriously feel like that impacted the quality of his music, though I’m sure diehard Elvis fans will probably try to tell me otherwise. This song sounds like he’s pushing himself way too hard and seriously straining himself. The impression I get from this song is that of an old man going back and trying to do something that used to come naturally only to find that he seriously struggles to accomplish it now.

Now, the ‘60s weren’t exactly Elvis’s height of his career either; he mostly ended up staring in a bunch of assembly line-constructed films and soundtracks that had little regard to thought or quality, and by October 1967, serious music lovers viewed him as a joke while all but his most diehard fans merely saw him as a has-been. But see, those at least had an excuse why they were bad: that being that they were mostly put together by studio hacks that only cared about milking Elvis’s popularity without caring about whether or not the end product was any good, but rather whether they were able to make money off of it. He did manage to revive his career afterwards, but couldn’t keep up his hot streak forever once his drug problem started.

To be fair though, it’s not like Elvis is alone in having his career take a serious nosedive in quality once he got older. Not everyone’s able to maintain that same level of quality that they managed when they started out; the Beach Boys, the Beatles, Michael Jackson, Gwen Stefani; artists get older and as that happens the quality of their work can lessen. That said, some artists are still able to maintain some level of quality with their work despite their age; hell, Queen managed to produce ‘The Show Must Go On’ before Freddie Mercury passed away, and that’s an incredible song. And despite not having the same level of endearment that he had in the ‘80s, David Bowie’s still seen as being awesome. And yes, Elvis Presley is still seen as the King of rock and roll, and I have no intention to slander that title. I’m just saying that maybe not everything he released should be regarded as perfect in every way. Even the best artists release crap once in a while. And as an honest man, I think it’s only fair that crap be acknowledged as such.

#5

Okay, for all you pet lovers out there, I want to offer my sincerest apologies for saying this, but it has to be said. One of the worst songs to come out in 1976 was about a dead dog.

#5. Shannon (Henry Gross) [47; 6; 13 weeks]

Now, I’m not going to say that every song about a deceased pet is awful by nature. After all, the song ‘Old Shep’ is a really heartbreaking song about a boy and his pet dog growing up together and ultimately his dog dies at the end, with one part actually having the boy contemplating putting the dog down himself, but he ultimately can’t bring himself to do it. However, that song works because it tells the story behind the dog and tries to connect the listener with the emotional impact of the dog’s untimely death and everything building up to it. ‘Shannon,’ however, starts right off the bat with the dog being dead and does little to nothing to get the listener to feel the emotional distress of the loss. Not only that, but it’s a song written from the perspective of a guy who was a friend of the owner of the dog in question, Carl Wilson of the Beach Boys. So even more of the emotional impact is lost because it’s a song written by the guy who was friends with the guy that owned the dog rather than the dog’s owner himself.

Okay, so the song fails at connecting the listener with the narrator’s loss and sadness, but surely the song can at least still convey some of that sadness even if the listener can’t empathize with it, right? Wrong. The song’s melody, primarily driven by a slow, soft guitar, some background vocals and Henry Gross’s vocals, which shift from sounding like he’s singing from the very front of his throat to this awful falsetto that sounds like his nuts are slowly being crushed by a hydraulic press, tries to come across as heavy and sad, but it just comes across as sloppy and weak. It doesn’t sound like a song written about someone that’s suffered a deep, personal loss; it sounds like a song written in about five minutes by a guy trying to pick up girls. Henry Gross doesn’t even sound all that sad on this song, and this is a problem I’ve noticed on other songs of his too: he always sounds chipper and upbeat, like he doesn’t have a care in the world. So on songs where he’s happy and jubilant it works, but on song trying to convey anything else it just sounds mismatched.

So again, I don’t want to say that the song about the loss of a pet is necessarily a subject matter that doesn’t work for a song. It seems like something that would require really powerful writing and emotional energy to work though, and in that sense, Henry Gross does not deliver at all. All that leaves us is an incredibly lame song that’s little more than a joke. Good riddance.

#4

            Now then, as all of the…three of you that actually keep up with my lists know, these aren’t based on my level of hatred for a given song. The song I hate the most from the list isn’t necessarily guaranteed to be the song at the top of the list, though it can happen. However, it didn’t happen this time, as the song I hated the most is the song I’m about to discuss shortly. From 1991 it was ‘More Than Words’ by Extreme, from 2001 it was ‘Because I Got High’ by Afroman, and from 1976 it’s...

#4. Deep Purple (Donny & Marie Osmond) [42; 14; 13 weeks]

As if I even need to go into further detail. It’s not like anyone looks at the Osmond family and thinks of them as a group that exudes quality and originality. Between ripping off other, better acts badly and making really bland, cookie-cutter country songs, the Osmonds have basically become little more than a joke. That’s especially true of Donny Osmond, the only member of the group that most people tend to remember, who has reinvented his career at least twice and has been both a Michael Jackson wannabe and a George Michael wannabe. Honestly, I don’t even think they would’ve been that bad if they were just knock offs of the Jackson 5 to start with, but their wretch-inducing wholesomeness just sours any kind of positive elements that managed to find their way into their music.

Anyway, after starting his solo career, Donny and his sister Marie Osmond ended up performing together for a while during the mid-to-late ‘70s and managed a few hits out of it. I’d like to think that this came about because studio executives decided that Donny alone wasn’t able to insult the original artists of all the cover songs he performed by himself, so what better way to add injury to insult than by putting his sister in the studio with him? And because that happened, we were given this piece of shit cover of a classic song from the ‘20s and late ‘30s.

The original ‘Deep Purple’ didn’t actually have lyrics, but was originally the biggest hit of pianist Peter DeRose, who broadcast the song from 1923 to 1939. It became established as a piano composition in 1933, and was covered by Paul Whiteman and his orchestra the following year. It became so popular that, in 1938, Mitchell Parish added lyrics to it. One of the most popular versions of the song came from Larry Clinton and his orchestra, with Bea Wain performing the vocals. And you know what? Bea Wain’s performance on this song is spot-on. She perfectly conveys the feelings of a widowed lover longing for the return of her loved one, only able to see him return to him in her dreams. Her performance is forlorn and melancholic, which is the tone the song should be going for because it’s a song about the narrator being sad at having lost the one she loved and only being able to find comfort by escaping to her dreams.

So, how best to completely fuck that up? Why, by starting it with a harmonica for starters! I can’t imagine that seriously clashing with the tone of the song in any fucking way whatsoever! And let’s add to that by making the song light and doo-wop-y and happy and upbeat! I cannot even begin to fathom what was going through the minds of the people that handled the production on the version Donny and Marie performed! They completely missed the tone of the original song! Yeah, I can’t completely blame them for the performance since they only sang the thing, but God do they not help matters. Donny Osmond was obnoxiously lame as a child performer, and only became more so once his balls dropped. To those of you that know people that think Justin Bieber is or ever was the worst thing to happen to pop music, have them listen to one of Donny Osmond’s shitty covers and ask them if they still believe that.

And the cherry on top is Marie Osmond speaking the lyrics for the first three sections over Donny singing them in the background during the second run through of the lyrics! Yeah, I heard the lyrics to the song the first time you butchered them Marie; I don’t need you reminding me how badly you did so! I know exactly why they did that: because they were taking a page from the Nino Tempo and April Stevens version of the song, which was also performed by a brother-and-sister team and which also featured spoken lyrics over sung lyrics. The thing is, one, they only did that because Tempo forgot the words when they were recording the song for a demo, so Stevens had to speak the lyrics to remind him and the record producers decided to keep the spoken portions on the final version, and two, that version of the song also sucked.

You know what? I honestly didn’t even know about the original version of the song until going back and doing research for this list. Upon finding out just how much better the earlier versions of the song were, however, that pretty much guaranteed this song a spot on this list. If you absolutely must have any version of the song ‘Deep Purple’ in your life, do yourself a favor and make sure it’s not this one. I can assure you that the mist of this memory is one you would rather not wander through.

#3

No. Just…no. I have nothing. There is nothing I can say that could properly lead into this next song. This is a kind of bad that speaks for itself, that showcases its own awfulness from the instant it’s put to paper. And the instant you read the title of the song I think you’ll agree. Seriously, I can’t think of how they could have made a good song out of a concept as bizarrely specific as this. In fact, before you even read this part of the review, go and listen to the song; it’s something that has to be seen and heard to be believed.

#3. Muskrat Love (The Captain and Tennille) [--; 4; 13 weeks]

If you actually listened to the song, then you have my sincerest apologies. For those that were smart enough not to do so, I’ll try to document to the best of my ability the details that make this song not work. For starters, the title of the song is ‘Muskrat Love’. This just sounds like a ridiculous concept, and maybe if they’d played up the ridiculousness it could’ve worked. However, considering the soft, gentle production the song uses, I get the feeling that they intended for it to be played completely straight. Speaking of the production, this song is just dull. It’s probably the tamest, most saccharine romance song I’ve ever heard; there’s no fire here, no passion, no energy whatsoever. Now yes, there are some really sweet, soft rock songs that are able to convey heavy emotions. Genesis, for example, were able to create plenty of songs that had a lot of passion and powerful emotions behind them, like ‘In Too Deep’. But here’s the main difference: ‘In Too Deep’ was a song that felt like it was coming from a real place and actually had Phil Collins singing about a subject matter that can have powerful emotion and feeling behind it. I cannot imagine anyone singing a song about a romantic candlelight dinner between muskrats and being able to present it with any kind of passion or personal emotional investment.

However, where the song’s real problems become apparent are in the lyrics. For starters, every single rhyme in this song sounds incredibly clumsily inserted and forced. Whoever wrote the lyrics to this seriously had to go out of their way to take two words that actually rhymed and structure the song so that the words get used. It’s not even just one specific set of rhymes either; every single rhyme is like this. Even ignoring the clunky rhymes, the word choices here are just bizarre at points. The first verse talks about the two muskrats ‘doing the town and doing it right in the evening,’ but prior to that it started with indicating that they were having a candlelit dinner. That doesn’t exactly convey the idea of ‘doing the town;’ I usually thought that required you to actually be out on the town, not sitting down eating at a fancy restaurant. And, of course, there’s the second verse, which gives incredibly intricate details about the food the two muskrats are eating and has one propose to the other, indicating her response as ‘Suzie says, “yes,” with her kisses’. How does that even work? I mean, I guess she could’ve kissed him and said yes between kisses, but that was still just an awkward way to indicate that, which only wound up that way because the writer needed a word that rhymed with ‘Mrs.’ And the second half of the second verse isn’t much better, describing in kind of disgusting detail how the two muskrats are getting it on:

Now he’s tickling her fancy

Rubbing her toes

Muzzle to muzzle

Now anything goes as they wriggle

Sue starts to giggle

There must’ve been something else the writer could’ve come up with to fill up that space. And of course, the clumsy wriggle/giggle rhyme at the end of the verse where they probably could’ve just used different words instead of forcing the rhyme this hard.

By the way, for those of you who have heard of the song, allow me to present another piece of information about it that you likely weren’t aware of: this song’s a cover. Seriously, Willis Alan Ramsey wrote the original in 1972, originally called ‘Muskrat Candlelight.’ In fact, this version isn’t even the first cover of the song either. America’s 1973 cover was the first and their version was the first to be called ‘Muskrat Love.’ The Captain and Tennille’s version was, however, the one that had the highest level of commercial success, peaking at #4 on Billboard.

I realize that there’s a place for cutesy music and an audience that it appeals to, but I can safely say I’m not in that demographic. However, even as far as cutesy music goes, I’m not sure how people that normally like this kind of music would specifically choose this song to listen to. Even if you ignore the bizarre lyrics and forced rhymes, it just doesn't do anything to make itself stand out on a musical level. It’s just really sweet and sugary sounding and that’s pretty much it. It’s just too outlandish of a concept for anyone to put any emotional investment into it, either the performers or the listeners, it’s music’s too soft and slow to create any kind of passion and even if you can stand those things the lyrics are too clunky and awkward to properly tell the story they’re trying to convey. I honestly wouldn’t even necessarily say the song’s that bad, it’s just strange and it doesn’t seem to know what the goal is that it’s trying to accomplish. That said though, the song’s still not good and not something I’d recommend playing to try and get it on with your lover. Still though, it’s not the worst song about sex to place on this list. For that, meet me at #2.

#2

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you probably the most obvious song to place on this list. Some of you are probably going to be surprised that it’s not at the #1 spot, though I’ll be getting into why it’s not momentarily. In the meantime, may I present to you Starland Vocal Band.

#2. Afternoon Delight (Starland Vocal Band) [12; 1; 14 weeks]

So, I’m sure many of you are waiting for me to projectile all the bile and hatred that I can muster onto this song. With a song this high on the list, there’s no way it deserves anything less than having someone tear it a new one, right? After all, this song is infamously bad; it’s a song so bad that our culture has spent the last thirty years specifically making fun of it. So with such a legacy as this, and with the song this high on the list, there’s no way a song like this deserves anything but to be shamed for its awfulness. So, how much do I hate this song? What level of awfulness is going to be revealed about Starland Vocal Band’s ‘Afternoon Delight?’

…Well, actually, I don’t really hate it that much.

No, seriously. Maybe it’s just the difference of me having not been around when the song came out, but I really can’t muster up that much hatred for this song. The main reason I’d be making fun of it would be because everyone else is making fun of it, and besides that there’d be no passion in it. Now, I’m not saying I’m a fan of the song by any stretch, but I just don’t have the energy to hate on it. Part of it’s just that it’s so bland and indistinctive. Nothing about the song particularly stands out for me. And yes, I say this knowing full well of the song’s subject matter.

But now I’m sure many of you are asking, “But if you don’t really hate the song that much, why is it on the list at all?” Well, don’t forget that the level of hatred I have for a song is not a factor in determining whether or not the song would end up on this list. No, the qualifiers for a song to be placed on this list are that it needs to have set a goal for itself and failed at it or it needs to leave some kind of negative impact on me personally. And in that regard this song fails, and it fails hard.

Going back to the song’s subject matter, I’m sure most of you already know what it’s about, but for those that don’t, it’s a song about sex. Now, I’m not sure if sex songs were that prominent back in the seventies; for all I know maybe they were. Regardless, it doesn’t hold up when you listen to it. The music’s too folk-y sounding to really convey the idea of getting it on. As for the lyrics, they skid around the word ‘sex’ in a way that just makes them seem incredibly ignorant of what they’re talking about. It doesn’t register as a song where they’re talking about sex. It sounds like an underwritten country song. For the most part, the idea behind writing a sex song is to convey it in a way that makes it sound sexy, and that’s just not the feeling I get from this song. If anything, it sounds like a song you’d play to fall asleep to, which brings us into the other major problem with this song: it’s boring. The music’s so nondescript and flavorless that it doesn’t make itself stand out. This was not only Starland Vocal Band’s only hit, but it was a #1 hit, and I cannot fathom how that could’ve happened.

Of course, at the end of the day, the biggest offense the song committed was being a sex song that wasn’t sexy. As I said, I’m not sure how common sex songs were back in the ‘70s, but they’re practically everywhere on the radio nowadays. We hear unsexy sex songs on the radio about as frequently as people that purchase lottery tickets end up not getting the winning numbers. No, if a song’s going to make the #1 spot on this list, it has to do something much, much worse than merely fail within the context of its own goal.

#1

            One of the biggest genres of music back in ’76 was disco. Disco was pretty much inescapable apparently. I mean, I guess that’s why it ended up getting killed off in 1979, but flash forward just a little over thirty years later and it’s suddenly starting to see resurgence. This resurgence was more than likely triggered by Daft Punk’s ‘Get Lucky,’ which is an awesome song for the record. But since then we’ve been seeing many more disco themed songs, or at least ‘70s throwback songs, some better than others; Bruno Mars’s ‘Treasure,’ Robin Thicke’s ‘Blurred Lines,’ Justin Timberlake’s ‘Take Back the Night,’ the late Michael Jackson’s ‘Love Never Felt So Good,’ Mark Ronson’s ‘Uptown Funk,’ Katy Perry’s ‘Birthday,’ Maroon 5’s ‘Sugar,’ The Weeknd’s ‘Can’t Feel My Face.’ I know many people have made fun of disco and have talked about how it’s dead and gone, but since it’s now reintegrated itself into mainstream pop radio, I think those people are feeling quite embarrassed with themselves right about now.

            Honestly, I’m glad to see disco returning to pop prominence. Prior to the death of disco on July 21, 1979, it was pretty strongly prominent in the mainstream and had been for a while, and that kind of oversaturation can make something pretty unbearable to deal with after a while. The public needed a break from disco; its prominence was becoming oppressive and it was starting to get out of hand. However, while I mentioned that disco died on July 21, 1979 earlier in this paragraph, I think I can actually identify the exact moment that led to the death of disco: October 16, 1976. The week that Rick Dees and His Cast of Idiots’s ‘Disco Duck’ reached #1 on Billboard.

#1. Disco Duck (Rick Dees & His Cast of Idiots) [97; 1; 16 weeks]

‘Disco Duck’ was basically an amalgamation of everything that was wrong with disco at the time. If there was anything that justified the death of disco at the end of the ‘70s, it was this song. Much like ‘Because I Got High,’ from my ‘worst of 2001’ list, I realize that this song is meant as a joke; it’s a novelty song of course it’s meant as a joke. The problem is I’m not sure what the joke of the song is supposed to be.

Well, let’s start by talking about the music. The song starts with what sounds like a duck choking on a record player, which I guess is supposed to represent the titular disco duck? It’s a noise that’s likely going to haunt my nightmares for the next year or so. And that’s before we get into the actual music of the song, which goes back and forth between being stiff and lacking any energy whatsoever to just being hokey and ridiculous. I can’t imagine how anyone would be able to disco to this.

And then there are the lyrics. The song basically tells the story of how the narrator went to a party, getting the attention of ladies, dancing, having a good time when he suddenly transforms, either literally or metaphorically, into the titular ‘disco duck,’ symbolized by the cheesy Donald Duck impression. I am not making that up folks, the song’s premise really is that outlandishly bizarre and lacking any kind of sense. Hell, even the song itself seemed aware of just how much nothing there was to be found in a premise that ridiculous, because the second verse has the guy sitting down as if to escape from having to continue singing the song. Heck, the song’s premise is so weak it doesn’t even have enough material in it for a full second verse. In fact, the first verse doesn’t even mention ducks or quacking or anything until right at the end. I think that might even be part of the problem; there are not a lot of words that the writer could’ve used that rhyme with ‘duck,’ and he seriously had to stretch to make any of them connect with each other.

So, to sum up, nothing about this song works. It’s an outlandish premise built around a stupid gimmick and cobbled together to try and cash in on the disco trend. And if what I’ve heard is accurate, not only did it end up not being well liked by the public, but it lost disco several million fans. This song wasn’t a bullet, but a slow acting poison; it sowed the seeds that would ultimately bring about the death of disco. You know, as bad as it is for a song to just fail at its own goal within the context of its own premise, it takes a special kind of failure for a song to be so bad that it brings about the death of its entire genre.

So there you have it, ‘Disco Duck’ by Rick Dees and His Cast of Idiots: the song that killed disco.