Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 1991

Have any of you had a sense of curiosity about your past, some interest in what the world was like back when you were younger and didn’t have a sense of scale or understanding of the world outside of your line of sight? Well, that’s the main motivator I had for this, so let’s talk about 1991.

            Looking back, this wasn’t exactly a big or even memorable year, which you’d think it would be considering some of the events that occurred. The Gulf War concluded, Comedy Central was launched, the SNES was released, the Dissolution of the Soviet Union pretty much reached its conclusion by the end of the year, Theodor Suess Geisel a.k.a. Dr. Seuss died, Freddie Mercury of Queen died, and on the topic of music, a lot of the trends of the time also seemed to be dying.

            In terms of the music, 1991 was one of the transitional years, the point that represented the death of the trends of the past and the buds of the trends that would soon follow. For those of you that only really think of Nirvana when you think of 1991, trust me when I say that is not an accurate analysis of the year; Nirvana weren’t even relevant to the music scene until around the last quarter of the year at the earliest. Instead, most of the hits from this year consisted of what I can only describe as the 1980s’ rotten leftovers, and the seeds that would ultimately result in the trends of the early-to-mid-‘90s. There are other things in there, but for the most part 1991 was the awkward shift between the last two decades of the last millennium.

            Now, with nostalgia and looking back at the events of the past also comes the inevitable shame of the things one is also forced to associate with it, the fondness for the pleasant things one remembers from it and surprise at the new discoveries one uncovers about it. So with this look back at the year of my birth, I’ll be looking back at all of the big hit songs from this year to praise the good and condemn the bad.

            Now, keep in mind that this list is pretty much based off of my own personal opinion, and like any person’s opinion it can differ, sometimes greatly, from the opinions of others, including and especially those of the public at large. Therefore, I will state right now that, if a song you like does appear on the ‘worst of’ list, that isn’t meant as an insult directed at you or your opinion; it just means I personally don’t like it, nothing more. In terms of what makes a song qualify for the worst list, I mostly went off of the following factors and questions:

1.     The song had to be on the Billboard Hot 100 Year-End chart for this year, place in the top 20 or maintain a position in the top 40 for more than 5 weeks.

2.     I had to ask myself the following two questions when listening to each song:

a.     What is the goal the song set for itself and did it accomplish it?

b.     Does the song cause any kind of frustration, anguish or distress to me when listening to it?

Before we get into the list proper, I’ll start by listing off some songs that just barely missed making the cut:

Rico Suave (Gerardo)

I seriously considered putting this on the list, but ultimately decided not to because the production of the song is decent. In fact, Weird Al pretty much recycled it beat-for-beat when making his parody of this song, which is a lot better.

I’m Not In Love (Will to Power)

This song, however, seemed to have almost the exact opposite problem, with the lyrics and message of the song being okay and the production being just bad. What ruins this song for me especially is the bass line, and get used to me saying that because that’s a common problem in a lot of the really bad songs from this year.

Something In My Heart (Michel’le)

            None of the elements in this song work; the beat’s too slow, the singer’s vocals are obnoxious, and whoever produced this clearly didn’t bother listening to the finished product because almost none of the instrumentation fits the song. Of course, bad production seems to have been another common trait in a lot of the slower songs that came out this year, as we’ll be seeing once we get into the list proper.

            Let the Beat Hit ‘Em (Lisa Lisa & the Cult Jam)

            This was the last hit that Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam managed before they disbanded this year. It peaked at #37 for one week, then disappeared, and it’s clear why; the production’s a mess, there are unnecessary commentaries interspersed all throughout the track and the chorus ends with an incredibly obnoxious repetition of a single word that makes it sound like the listener’s going through a bad acid trip. If it hadn’t dropped out of the top 40 so quickly, it definitely would’ve made the cut.

            Round and Round (Tevin Campbell)

            I refuse to believe that Prince wrote and produced this song. The fifteen-year-old trying to pass himself off as a hot shot by itself is stupid enough, but the music and beat to this song do not help matters, especially the bass. The only reason this didn’t make the list was because I couldn’t find a place to fit it in. I guess you can call this my unofficial #11.

             The First Time (Surface)

            This song is part of a long list of dull R&B love ballads that came out this year. None of these songs have any passion behind them at all, and this song is no exception. That said, it was at least less painful for me to listen to than others, and it felt sincere enough, so I gave it a pass.

            (Everything I Do) I Do It For You (Brian Adams)

            I honestly don’t hate this song as much as people seem to think I should. I think it has no place being the #1 song of this year, but really I just find it more boring than anything else. In the hands of another band, it still likely wouldn’t have been very good, but they at least probably might have been able to deliver it with some level of honesty and earnestness.

            She Talks To Angels (The Black Crowes)

            This song, however, has little to no scrap of sincerity to be gleaned from it whatsoever. It is probably one of the most insincere love songs that came out this year, but most definitely not the most insincere. We’ll get to that later though; trust me.

            Angel Baby (Angelica)

            Yet another song that easily would’ve qualified for this list had it been an actual hit. Again, the production and bass line are limp and lifeless enough by themselves on this song, but throw in the singer’s vocals and it just becomes like nails on a chalkboard. I feel like she’s channeling Minnie Riverton when she gets to those higher notes on the chorus.

            Now that’s done, load up on guns and bring your friends because we are counting down:

…THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF 1991!

            #10

One way in which 1991 contrasts from the music scene today is that religious music had a bit more of a presence on the pop charts. Now, let me just start by saying that I am not planning on saying that all religious music sucks; considering I haven’t really been exposed to a lot of it, I’m not the right person to make that call. Besides, I didn’t mind any of the hit songs that contemporary Christian singer Amy Grant released this year. I didn’t actually like any of them either, but I thought they were okay. Also, if you want to stretch a bit, you could even argue that the U2 song ‘Mysterious Ways,’ which also came out this year, was also religious in its theme, and I thought that song was actually pretty good.

All that said, I’m still not a fan. There are two major turn-offs for me that tend to crop up in religious music: the music tends towards either being really hokey and comes across as trying to cater to the younger, more hip crowd or just being bland and forgettable, and the lyrics tend to be preachy, uninspired or ‘holier-than-thou’ in the message they’re trying to convey. If a song has lyrics that say things like, “Have you found Jesus,” or “Let God into your heart,” or “You don’t need proof, you just have to believe,” I usually just tune it out; it’s tiresome, it’s uninteresting and most importantly, it’s not “cool”. Now, with all of that said, let’s talk about Michael W. Smith.

#10. Place in This World (Michael W. Smith)

            Michael W. Smith was born in Kenova, West Virginia to an oil refinery worker and developed a love for music through working with his local church; becoming a devout Christian by the time he was 10. After struggling with the departure of his older friends to college, he developed drinking and substance abuse problems, performed with several local bands, and moved to Nashville, getting involved in the club scene there until November of 1979, when he suffered a breakdown that lead to him recommitting himself to the church. He then auditioned for the contemporary Christian music group Higher Ground, starting out as a keyboardist before being signed as a writer to Meadowgreen Music, where he wrote music for other artists, including Sandi Patty, Kathy Troccoli, Bill Gaither and Amy Grant, before eventually writing and releasing his own solo albums.

            Having now listened to the vast majority of his studio albums, I can safely say that I don’t think he’s a “bad” musician. In fact, some of his songs actually surprised me with decent production and fairly well thought-out lyrics, though I think some of his instrumental songs tended to be better than the songs with lyrics and singing, since they let his, at times, fairly lovely music composition skills do most of the work. That said, he still tends to fall into the issues I mentioned regarding religious music above in terms of lyrics, and way too many of his songs, especially off of his first few albums, tended to be rather samey-sounding, to the point that I couldn’t always tell when one song ended and the next song began. 

            Fortunately, I can safely say that ‘Place In This World’ does not suffer from that second issue; it is rather distinct compared to most of his music. So, why did I put it on this list? Well, there are a couple of nitpicks I have about the song; I feel like the production’s not his best, and the lyrics don’t paint a very good picture of what the narrator’s trying to convey in terms of ‘finding his place in this world’. However, there is one thing about this song in particular that makes it especially unlistenable for me: Michael W. Smith’s vocals on this song are terrible! His voice sounds so nasal on this song that every time he scrapes the peak of his vocal range to hit those higher notes during the chorus it sounds like he’s about to sneeze his brain out of his nose like in ‘Psychonauts’! I don’t know if it’s just poor-quality recording equipment, poor blending of his vocals with the production or if he actually did sound that bad at the time, but regardless, I wince every time I hear that almost muppet-like vocal performance.  I realize that some of you would argue that poor vocals on a song aren’t really enough grounds on their own for me to label a song as one of the worst songs of a given year, and that there are other factors to consider. However, in response, I have this to say: in a slow, dull, energy-devoid ballad like this, where the instrumentation’s this lackluster and the lyrics this forgettable, the vocals are the only possibly decent, interesting thing left for the listener to take from the song. For underwritten ballads like this one, the singer’s vocals are the backbone of the entire song, and if they aren’t good enough to carry the song on their own, or if they’re so bad that they actively contribute to the song’s shortcomings like they do here, then it has no way of standing.

            Now, as I said, I don’t think Michael W. Smith is a terrible musician; I did hear occasional songs in his discography that I liked.  ‘All I Need to Say,’ off of his second album, and ‘All You’re Missin’ is a Heartache’ from his fourth, are decent songs about the sadness of love lost and learning to move past it, while ‘Missing Person,’ which he released seven years after ‘Place in This World,’ is basically everything this song failed to be, presenting an interesting story of a once-devoted man struggling with his crisis in faith. The production and lyrics on those songs are very good, and the vocals are phenomenally better than they are here, where it sounds like he’s turning in a bad audition for the role of a male lead in a Disney animated movie. Hell, there are better songs than ‘Place In This World’ that are on the same album as it! Then again, there are also much worse songs on that album as well, so I guess it’s a bit of a mixed bag.

            Michael W. Smith has continued releasing albums since the success of this song, including four compilation albums, four live albums and about thirty collaboration albums, so it looks like he’s still doing well for himself. Still, I just have this to say: he may be struggling to find his place in this world, but I can think of only one suitable place for this song: the musical garbage bin of irrelevance and forgotten pop tripe. Good riddance!

            #9

            Well, it wouldn’t be a complete examination of pop music from the ‘90s if I didn’t discuss ‘90s boy bands, would it? I know that boy bands weren’t new to this time period; groups like the Beach Boys, the Beatles and the Monkeys were around back in the ‘60s, and NKOTB originated back in the ‘80s. However, the ‘90s seem to be the time frame most associated with these particular types of groups. And since we’re going by the 20-year nostalgia rule, they’ve started popping up again in the mainstream today.

            Now, since we’re still in the period of the early ‘90s, we’re not going to be looking at the acts that would go on to become most associated with this time frame like the ‘NSYNC’s or the ‘Backstreet Boys’s the world over. At this point in time boy bands were not as dynamic, with the acts at the time including groups like Boyz II Men, who were arguably the best of the groups whose hits I heard from this year, and Color Me Badd, who were kind of punchable douche bags but little else in terms of badness. So, as a representation of the worst of this particular time frame’s presentation of the genre, I’d like to introduce you to a five-boy R&B group known simply as Hi-Five. 

            #9. I Can’t Wait Another Minute (Hi-Five)

            Some of you would argue that Hi-Five are not technically classified as a ‘boy band,’ but if you were to listen to any one of their songs you’d likely notice that the subject matter and songwriting, particularly the lyrics, tended to match the same formula used by these groups: vague, insincere lyrics about trying to seduce any younger, or sometimes older women listening to the song, but painted just tamely enough to not set off any red flags for the listener. Unfortunately, I’m not sure they were tame enough for this particular song, since it’s rather explicit about what the boys are asking for. That’s right, random, nameless, teenage fan-girl; they “can’t wait another minute for your love.” I don’t mean to jump to conclusions regarding the song’s subject matter, but honestly I’m not sure what other conclusion I’m supposed to come to with this; it sounds like they’re trying to get the girl that’s listening to the song to have sex with them, all five of them. Also, keep in mind that at least one of these boys in this group was sixteen at the time this song was released. Of course, even when I didn’t know that, just hearing their voices gave me the impression that these guys were just dumb middle schoolers that didn’t know anything about how relationships worked, and weren’t exactly interested in putting forth the effort to find out.

            Additionally, it sounds like this song is trying to pull off one of those slower, softer, smoother R&B songs that are meant to present the singer as a romantic, suave, sensitive lover figure. I admit, I’m not a fan of this particular kind of song, but I can at least understand the appeal. This song, however, does not pull it off at all; it’s too forceful to match the soft, slow feel that these songs try to go for, and the boys themselves are too young to pass themselves off as being smooth or having the level of charisma needed for the tone these kind of songs usually aim for. 

            Hi-Five: they can’t wait another minute for my love. Unfortunately, since I have no love to give them, they’re going to be waiting a long time.

            #8

            Whitney Houston was one of the biggest, most successful female acts of all time, having sold over 200 million records worldwide, and scoring twenty-seven top-twenty hit songs, eleven of which were #1 hits. Her voice has become so iconic that she was commonly referred to as ‘the Voice’. Where Michael Jackson broke many color barriers for black male performing artists, Whitney Houston did the same for black female performing artists. With two Emmy Awards, six Grammy Awards, thirty Billboard Music Awards, twenty-two American Music Awards and a whopping 415 career awards as of 2012, the year where she sadly passed away, Whitney Houston was one of the most awarded female artists of all time.

            Honestly though, I’ve never been a fan of Whitney Houston. I have the same problem with her music that I have with Christina Aguilera; I feel like her singing was just too overblown for me to fully enjoy. Normally I like music that demonstrates bombast, energy and force, but Whitney Houston just tended to put too much force into her singing, to the point that it can actually make some of her songs seem emotionless and boring to me. Such is the case for this next song.

            #8. All the Man That I Need (Whitney Houston)

            This is actually a cover of a song by Linda Clifford from 1982. The original writers of the song were Dean Pitchford and Michael Gore, who wrote it for Linda after she’d just gotten out of a bad marriage some years prior, once they saw how happy she was with her new husband. That version of the song didn’t end up charting, but I personally prefer the original to this version. Linda Clifford’s performance is a lot more controlled, and comes across as much more sincere compared to Whitney Houston’s version, which is so dull and heavy that makes it seem like she’s trying too hard to seem happy with the man she’s with to the point she actually sounds more upset than anything. In fact, if you really want to know how bad the Whitney Houston version is or have doubts about it, allow me to alleviate them by pointing out that it has Kenny G on it.

            Look, from my perspective, Whitney Houston was at her best when she was singing songs that had fast, tight instrumentation that leveled out the force behind her singing so it didn’t overpower the rest of the song, things like ‘How Will I Know’ or ‘I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me).’ Slow, dull ballads like this do not work with her voice; she was not subtle or reserved enough to pull off songs like this. Yes, in regards to that previous statement, I am including ‘I Will Always Love You,’ one of her most famous and iconic songs. Even so, I’d say that even that song’s better than ‘All the Man That I Need’ because at least that song had her trying to build the song up to her usual singing level and trying to exercise some level of subtlety even if she didn’t really pull it off. ‘All the Man That I Need,’ however, just keeps piling one layer of ridiculous over-singing on top of another.

            If you don’t mind big, over-the-top ballads by Whitney Houston that have her seriously wringing every part of them for every last drop of over-singing she can muster, then maybe you’ll find something beautiful in this song. As for me however, I just can’t buy into this.

            #7

            In terms of transition, 1991 also saw a bit of transition in terms of its dance music. While the ‘80s gave us mostly songs from the likes of Michael Jackson, Madonna and Paula Abdul, the early ‘90s were right between those and the dance songs performed by the Spice Girls, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and the like. So, chances are those reading are likely not familiar with names like Cathy Dennis, Tony Toni Toné or Deee-Lite, unless you’re huge pop music history nerds like I am. So, within this kind of unfocused mess of differing styles of dance music, you’ve got things like ‘3 a.m. Eternal,’ which are loud and in-your-face, ‘Strike It Up,’ which are fairly tight and energetic, ‘Groove is In the Heart,’ which are just light-hearted and goofy, and then you’ve got crap like this.

            #7. Temptation (Corina)

            Corina is a Latin American singer, dancer and actress who grew up in New York’s more urban environments. She only released one album, and some of the singles she released weren’t even on that album. However, that’s not to say she wasn’t successful; the songs she released at the tail end of the ‘80s and all of the ones in the ‘90s ended up charting, either on the Billboard hot 100 or the dance music/club music charts, with this song even cracking the top 10, becoming her biggest music success so far. Personally however, this song makes my skin crawl. While I understand that the standards for dance music are fairly low, the main qualifier being that it actually makes the listener feel like dancing, this song fails even in that respect.

            The main flaw that the song suffers from is lack of focus in regard to its tone. The music is this unpleasantly eerie, almost horror film-esque track. I’m not against dance songs, or music in general with creepy or otherworldly atmospheres; the Gorillaz song ‘Dare’ is a perfect example of how this can be done well. The thing is the atmosphere for this song isn’t just eerie; it’s uncomfortable. I guess that one could arguably dance to this song, but why would they want to? Not that there’s much else besides the unpleasant music to latch onto from this song, since the vocals are incredibly bland, just this kind of flat, auto tuned vocal performance that doesn’t support the rest of the song.

            Then there’s the lyrics and subject matter of the song: the idea that it’s okay to give in to the things that tempt you in your life; that’s just how the world works. Either that or it’s this Corina girl’s incredibly flimsy attempt to apologize to her ex for breaking up just to go with some other guy, with the only presumed excuse we get being that he’s a good lay. Either way, she does not present a strong case. So, in summary, the music seems to be trying to set up this kind of dark atmosphere that tries to be sexy but just feels awkward and creepy, while the lyrics seem torn between trying to break up with one guy while describing how mind-meltingly awesome the sex with the other guy is and ultimately it all just feels like a cluttered, unfocused mess. 

            By the way, I would argue against Corina’s statement that whether the temptation one is presented in life is wrong or right is unimportant. As a man of morbid curiosity, I find many moments where I end up regretting letting my curiosity get the better of me, such as when I listened to this song.

            #6

            American R&B and soul singer-songwriter Keith Sweat was one of the innovators of New Jack Swing, and was fairly successful throughout the ‘90s, having released six studio albums by the end of the decade, and is still making albums to this day. Admittedly, his status as a record producer and radio personality may also be part of the reason he’s still releasing songs right now. Anyway, I actually liked the singles off of his first album; they were fun, energetic dance songs that I could imagine getting into. I guess I just have a weakness for New Jack Swing, or at least good New Jack Swing. The rest of his singles, however…

            #6. I’ll Give All My Love To You (Keith Sweat)

            Unfortunately, it seems that after his first album, Keith Sweat decided to immediately discard any of the potential promise he had as a New Jack Swing performer and proceeded to squander the remainder of the decade by pumping out slow, dull ballads. It is quickly becoming clear why he has not really been brought up as a major influential figure in ‘90s music: because after his first album he immediately sold out and just spent the rest of the decade riding the trend of soft, R&B ballads despite not being very good at making them.

            Much like Whitney Houston, Keith Sweat’s voice was just not made to perform slower songs like this one. It’s not even that I find this song boring. In fact, I’d say it has the opposite problem: there’s too much going on and it sounds like a mess. The electric piano in this song just does not lend itself well to this kind of soft, smooth, attempted-romantic song that Keith Sweat, and many R&B performers for that matter, seemed to be shooting for this year, especially when coupled with the equally unpleasant beat, which sounds and feels like getting slapped across the face.

            Much like ‘All the Man That I Need,’ this song is an attempt to demonstrate a softer side of the singer performing it that utterly fails to present it in a way that works. Unlike ‘All the Man That I Need,’ however, this song wasn’t suffering from drained atmosphere due to poor over-singing, at least not by itself. Rather, Keith Sweat instead decided to needlessly congest the song with incredibly awfully delivered ad libbed lines with a terrible vocal performance that sounds like what Lil’ Wayne would sound like if he didn’t use auto tune. Granted, Lil’ Wayne sounds awful even when he actually does use auto tune, but that’s beside the point. With his later singles, his voice at least started smoothing out a bit and sounding somewhat less whiny. However, that just made it sound incredibly generic, which only continues my feeling that his career stretched on longer than it should have.

            Keith Sweat was a flash-in-the-pan performer who should have disappeared from the public consciousness after that first album. Instead, he’s now released ten more albums since then and is still desperately trying to grab the public’s attention and, based on his level of success since the end of the ‘90s, pretty much failing to do so.

            #5

            In 1990, Vanilla Ice’s debut single ‘Ice Ice Baby’ became the first hip-hop single to reach #1 on Billboard, and has been credited as having transitioned hip-hop into greater ethnical diversity with Vanilla Ice himself becoming the first commercially successful solo white rapper that people remember today. Since then, this song has gone on to be viewed as one of the worst songs ever written, probably having something to do with the fact that the sample it used from the Queen/David Bowie collaboration song ‘Under Pressure’ was used without permission, and that Vanilla Ice didn’t offer credit or royalties to Surge Knight, a record producer who had helped with writing the song. To be fair, he did end up crediting the sample from ‘Under Pressure’ to Queen and David Bowie eventually, though not until after the song had reached #1 on Billboard, and the issue with Surge Knight was settled in court.

            As for me, I honestly don’t hate the song that much. Yes, I will admit that it’s an incredibly stupid song, but I can understand why both it and Vanilla Ice were dismissed as being novelty by the general public: because Vanilla Ice actually was a novelty act, and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ was a novelty song. That said though, if I were to briefly look past that detail, there are things about ‘Ice Ice Baby’ that can still be enjoyed. The sample, while stolen, is still fairly well used, and forces some energy and driving force into the song that Vanilla Ice fails to deliver himself. Also, while it’s arguable whether or not the lyrics in the song are any good, plenty of them are at least memorable.

            Okay, so the only positive elements in the song are the things that have little to do with Vanilla Ice himself, but I have at least one additional defense for this song to offer: at least it wasn’t Vanilla Ice’s second hit single.

            #5. Play That Funky Music (Vanilla Ice)

            Yes, Vanilla Ice actually had a second hit single, and it is just as bad as you might imagine it would be. While I will admit that ‘Ice Ice Baby’ was by no means a ‘good’ song, it was at least better than this. Whatever positive qualities that could possibly have been gleaned from that song are completely absent here; it’s the exact same song, but without any of the novelty or cheesiness to justify it. The lyrics are about the exact same things as those in ‘Ice Ice Baby,’ only less memorable or interesting. The beat structure is almost identical, but slower and weaker.

            Then we have the sample, which if you’ve guessed already just from the title is from the 1970s song of the same name by one-hit wonder band Wild Cherry. Right off the bat, that is an indication of how much worse this song is than ‘Ice Ice Baby;’ that song sampled Queen and David Bowie, so it at least had some level of star power behind it, while this one sampled a song that was likely better remembered than the band that performed it. Before I say anything else, I just want to point out that, if my lack of disdain for ‘Ice Ice Baby’ is any indication, I have nothing against sampling in music. In fact, Gotye, one of my favorite musical artists, builds almost all of his songs off of samples of various sound effects he creates himself. Even in the case of samples lifted from other songs, there are still songs I like that do this, so I’m not against that either. What I am against is songs that do it lazily or badly, like is the case here. Vanilla Ice took whatever positive qualities there were in the original song and excised them. The beat’s slowed down, removing whatever energy the song may have had otherwise, the vocals lifted from the original are so processed that they’re practically unrecognizable, and the instrumentation from the original’s been flattened by the horrendous production. In other words, Vanilla Ice created a song called ‘Play That Funky Music,’ and failed to make it a song that played funky music.

            The sad part is that Vanilla Ice actually went on to get much worse. Compared to some of his later stuff, his third album especially, ‘Play That Funky Music’ is almost listenable. Almost. Still, I guess it’s pretty clear now why the music-buying public wisely chose to give ‘the Ice man’ the cold shoulder.

            #4

            #4. One More Try (Timmy T)

            I couldn’t think of any creative segways to lead into this, so just consider this a meta-commentary about how little effort went into this song. You know how I brought up that shoddy production and obnoxious bass lines were common problems in a lot of the pop songs that came out this year? Well, this song is pretty much the complete package in terms of poor production choices in that regard. The beat is unbearably slow, there are these obnoxious slapping noises that have no consistent rhythm or timing, there are these pointless chimes that ring in at the end of each line that serve no purpose, but probably the worst part of the production in this song is the bass. Of the numerous poorly-executed bass lines that were used this year, this one is the worst by far, sounding like some kind of obnoxious early dubstep track that gives the impression that the song is melting.

            Looking into the lyrics, these are probably some of the most hollow, vague and unspecific statements I’ve ever heard in a song. “I never meant to tell you lies?” Then why did you lie to her? What justification is there for it? For that matter, what lies were you telling her? “If you knew how much I loved you, you’d forgive me if you could?” Why? And even if she were inclined to forgive you despite that incredibly condescending delivery, what’s stopping her? By the way, as lazy as the music video is, the live video of this song’s even worse, with Mr. Torres performing what I think are supposed to be intended as sign language motions or something when he says the lines ‘one more try,’ but just looking stupid, especially with the line ‘try’ being signified by several pelvic thrusts. You stay classy up there, Timmy.

            Interestingly enough, this song, and the next two songs on this list for that matter, all made it to the #1 spot on Billboard. All three of them were popular enough that they received enough airplay to reach the top of the pop charts in 1991. However, while Timmy T still performs with other freestyle acts from the late ‘80s and early ‘90s today, he hasn’t had any record of releasing any further albums after 1992, meaning he hasn’t really had any major success past that point. The other performers, however…

            #3

            So, let’s talk about Madonna. Around the beginning of the ‘90s, Madonna had just come fresh off the heels of her ‘Like a Prayer’ album, which pretty much cemented her status as not just being famous, but having herself immortalized as the queen of pop. With this album, she had essentially cemented herself as the defining artist of the ‘80s. So, I guess it only makes sense that, with the start of the ‘90s, we would immediately see Madonna reinvent herself in a new way: dropping all semblance of effort in her music.

            #3. Justify My Love (Madonna)

            This isn’t the worst song Madonna ever performed, but it is one of the most controversial songs and videos of her career, if not the most, and for good reason. The accompanying video features imagery depicting sadomasochism, voyeurism and bisexuality, things which aren’t really that big of a deal in music videos today, but were likely much more sensitive topics to bring up back in the early ‘90s. And the song, naturally, matches the tone of the video lyrically in that it’s about sex and romance. In a sense, this song is kind of avant-garde in that sense, since it’s a bit more explicit regarding its subject matter than some of Madonna’s earlier songs. However, it’s kind of a shame that the song’s musical tone doesn’t really match up with that of the lyrics. Not to mention it started Madonna’s tendency of speaking the lyrics in her songs rather than singing them, which she would continue using through her next album, ‘Erotica,’ along with the sexually explicit lyrics and dull, uninspired music.

            Speaking of which, let’s look at the music to this, or what little there is. I think Jim Farber’s description of the song as “some vague, tuneless phrases chanted in Madonna’s most breathless voice over a minimal house groove” is entirely accurate, and not in an endearing way. While I’m not a fan of songs that are incredibly overproduced, that doesn’t mean I necessarily enjoy minimalism. There are situations where it can work, but here it does not. Much like ‘Temptation,’ the song just comes across as uncomfortable. At the very least though, as bad as that song is, I could at least imagine people almost being able to dance to it. With this song, however, the main idea seems to be sexual exploration, and there’s nothing interesting or explorative about the song itself, just the video. So, if you take the video out of the equation, the song pretty much loses any context or meaning.

            Also, regarding the lack of effort statement I mentioned earlier, it’s not just evident in the fact that Madonna chose to speak the lyrics to the song rather than bother trying to sing, but also in the fact that the song wasn’t even written by Madonna. In her previous albums, she proved that she was really good at coming up with her own lyrical material and taking what she saw as a fairly limited vocal range and still finding ways to use it well. Here, she’s building a song out of something other people wrote, though admittedly she corrected a single line in the song, and rather than singing herself, is just speaking the lyrics while having a background singer sing six words during the chorus; that’s it.

            In fact, the song’s background is much more interesting than the song itself. The majority of the song was originally a poem written by Prince’s protégé and friend Ingrid Chavez for Lenny Kravitz, with Kravitz adding the title hook and chorus. Of course, when Chavez wasn’t credited on the song, she sued Kravitz the following year, resulting in the case being resolved out of court and Chavez receiving a co-writing credit.

            From what I’ve been told, it sounds like the song gained its popularity almost entirely through the controversy. That doesn’t say good things about the song, which doesn’t really have anything else going for it besides that. Ignoring the uncomfortable atmosphere, this song is just terribly boring. The main reason for this could just be that the song didn’t really have a major goal in mind, and wasn’t really trying to be anything more than what it was. Sadly, the next two songs don’t have that excuse.

            #2

I’m going to have to apologize right now because I know there are people that like this next song and will probably be really upset or angry that I’m putting it on this list, let alone this high. So, let me just reiterate that this is purely an opinion-based list and is not meant to reflect badly on the reader in any way. If you like this song, or any of the songs on this list for that matter, that’s fine; more power to you. That said, I think this song is complete garbage.

#2. More Than Words (Extreme)

I’d like to believe myself to be a fairly lenient man. I’ve willingly played through numerous video games that my friends have expressed distaste for, including some widely panned games, and willingly listened to various songs I was told were terrible, some of which I felt weren’t all that bad. However, the opening notes of this song alone make my blood boil and set off a bomb of rage in my mind. “But why?” some of you are probably asking, “Why do you hate this song so much? It’s a touching, soft, romantic song, isn’t it? What is there to hate about it? How could such a sweet song like this possibly be one of the worst songs to come out this year?”

Well, let me count the ways!

First of all, let’s look at the production: it’s a song played by white guys on an acoustic guitar, a four-chord song at that. That alone indicates a serious lack of effort on the part of the songwriters, but with the only noticeable structure being two chords interspersed with guitar slaps that just makes it sound even lazier. Add the fact that, at the time the band Extreme recorded this song, they had four members and two of them aren’t even on the song, which the music video doesn’t even pretend to hide, and the fact that prior to this song’s release they mostly recorded funk and heavy metal and I’m just left flabbergasted as to how they wound up releasing a song like this! To call this a ‘boy scout campfire song’ would be doing a disservice to boy scouts and campfire songs!

And then we get to the lyrical content and subject matter of the song. The title means exactly what you would expect it to mean; ‘More Than Words,’ the expression of emotions by transcending words. In this case, the idea is to express one’s love for another without using the words ‘I love you,’ which according to the band had pretty much lost meaning since people would just use the phrase as a lazy way to try and patch things up after friction in a relationship. I kind of understand what they mean, but even so this is still an incredibly pretentious concept to build your song around, and if you’re going to write a song about something like this you should at least bring forth something that expresses effort to show your own disdain for the lack of effort other people have started putting forth regarding the expression of love, which this song utterly fails to do. There are grammatical errors in the bridge and first verse of the song, and lines just kind of seem to blend into each other without rhyme or reason. That wouldn’t be a problem if this were a stream-of-consciousness type song, but it’s not; it was written with the intention of being a clear, concise statement to another person.

If these were the only problems I had with the song, then I’d just dismiss it as being annoyingly pretentious, but little else. There are worse things that a song can be than that. However, the way the song’s written, it sounds like the narrator is specifically talking to you, the listener, not to express his love for you, but demanding that you do so for him! This is exactly the same kind of condescending, narcissistic arrogance that King Leer demonstrated at the beginning of the Shakespeare play of the same name when he demanded his daughters flatter him by telling him how much they loved him so they could inherit his land. And how did that end again? Oh yeah, that’s right; the two daughters that humored his demands ended up stabbing him in the back while he ended up banishing the actual loyal daughter, only realizing his mistake after it was too late, and ending the play holding her dead body in his arms. It’s not a perfect one-to-one comparison, but I’m still getting the same kind of attitude from the narrator of this song. In other words, it’s a song that was written to lament the loss of meaning in the words ‘I love you,’ that forcefully demands the listener to show their love for the narrator without saying those words.

Furthermore, for all the song goes on about wanting the listener to express love to the narrator, said narrator doesn’t do much of anything to express any kind of interest in the person being addressed, romantic or otherwise. The closest the song gets is the line, “It’s not that I want you not to say,” in the second line of the first verse, but that’s just an indicator that the narrator wants the listener to say ‘I love you,’ not that he actually loves them. And even if the narrator does love the listener, this is basically just saying, “Well, you could just tell me that you love me, but that would be too easy. Show me your love for me!” This goes beyond just being pretentious and arrogant; this is the most hollow, demeaning, insulting, obnoxious, insincere plea for love from the listener I have ever heard in a song. Say what you want about ‘(Everything I Do) I Do It For You;’ at least the narrator in that song expressed interest in the person he was singing to!

How ironic is it that a song that specifically laments the lack of effort being put in the expression of love between people in relationships demonstrates no effort whatsoever in expressing love between the performers and their audience? By the way ‘Extreme,’ I know exactly what I would say if you were to take the words ‘I,’ ‘love’ and ‘you’ away: “Fuck off, assholes!”

            #1

            I really wanted to pick ‘More Than Words’ as the number one song for this list. In fact, if this list were purely based on my level of hatred for a given song, it would have been the number one without question. However, as much as I loathe that song, there is one, and only one positive thing I can say about it that puts it head and shoulders above the song that did make the number one spot on this list: ‘More Than Words’ actually set a goal for itself. It absolutely failed to accomplish that goal on every conceivable level, but it at least made just enough effort to pick something that it wanted to achieve. The same can most definitely not be said of this next song, which is just as pretentious as ‘More Than Words,’ but with no purpose, no greater good in mind when it was created. So, without further ado, I present to you the absolute worst hit song from 1991:

            #1. From A Distance (Bette Midler)

            To understand just how bad this song is, first we’ll need to look at its history. Songwriter Julie Gold originally wrote the song in 1985. Eventually, after presenting it to numerous artists and record companies, none of whom wanted to record it, she sent it to Nanci Griffith, asking her what was wrong with it rather than the umpteen-hundred other people that she sent the song to that turned it down. Ms. Griffith, however, loved the song and ended up recording the original version of the song in 1987.

            That version failed to chart, and rightly so because when you get down to it this song is just mindless, uninspired fluff from beginning to end. The first verse is just descriptions of the most mundane details, some of which aren’t even accurate. “From a distance, the earth is blue and green and the snow-capped mountains white”? Not really. I mean, yeah the earth is mostly blue from space and it has green patches on it, but in terms of mountains, those look more light brown than white. There are whites on there, but those are clouds, not mountains. “From a distance the ocean meets the stream and the eagle takes to flight”? Oceans don’t flow into streams, genius.

            However, it’s the second and third verses that really take the cake in terms of trying to pass off more depth and meaning than they can actually back up. The second verse talks about how, from a distance, the world is a place where everyone has what they need, there’s no guns, no bombs, no illness and everyone’s happy. That seems to suggest that the singer’s trying to point out the ignorance of the listener regarding the problems in the world, which by itself is incredibly condescending. Tell me though, at what point does the song actually give any kind of perspective or commentary about any of those things that actually adds up to something? Does it build up to a shocking, uncomfortable realization of the horrific reality that contrasts so much with the seemingly happy image we choose to see? Does it call people out on their own decision to live in ignorance? Nope! We just get different variations of a chorus about how everyone plays songs of peace, love, hope and all that sugary goodness. Gag me!

            And then there’s the third verse, which can basically be whittled down to three words: war is bad. It mentions that people on opposite sides in a war aren’t any different from one another in terms of the lives they lead and when you get down to it they’re just normal folks, but again it doesn’t do anything substantial or meaningful with it. It just kind of mentions it and then completely disregards it. I’m not really big into anti-war songs myself, but I can at least understand and relate to the sentiments behind them because there are those that can present a case as to why war is bad. This song, however, presents incredibly simplistic thoughts that seem to be trying to expose the ignorance of the listener, but in fact only serve to paint the narrator as the ignorant one.

            This version of the song came out around the time of the Persian-Gulf War in 1990, which I think is the only reason it became a hit, not because it was relevant to the war, but because it was riding on people’s anti-war sentimentality. I don’t necessarily blame Bette Midler for this song being as bad as it is, but her cover does not do anything to salvage the song in any way, which I feel actually kind of makes it worse in a sense because she kept the song almost identical to the original version. The only thing she really does add is additional repetitions of the phrase ‘God is watching us from a distance’ at the end of the song. However, that only brings up another problem: the idea that God is watching from a distance seems to suggest that God is completely aware of all the terrible things going on in the world, but just chooses to sit back and let them happen. That, in turn, suggests that God is either lazy or apathetic to the suffering of the people of the Earth.

            This song presents all these half-thoughts and barely-tangible perspectives in some vain attempt to try and add depth and meaning to itself. Instead, all they do is expose the narrator’s own ignorance and lack of understanding, with everything said presented in a way that betrays the meaning behind it. And it is for that reason that it is my choice for the worst hit song of 1991.

            We’re not done yet though, folks; join me on my next list, where we’ll be following up on this list by counting off the top ten best hit songs of 1991.