Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 1993

I’m not going to lie, folks; this was a difficult year for me to talk about. I wouldn’t necessarily label 1993 as a bad year. Plenty of good music still came out, and I can certainly see myself going back to some of the good tracks I’ll be listing below. That said, I couldn’t say the music from this year felt all that big or grand.

Apparently this was a problem with the early ‘90s, even when the decade officially started. The ‘80s sound had died off by this point and, while newer artists made music that fit the times more smoothly, older acts seemed to seriously struggle, especially those from the hair metal crowd. It was a rough start to the decade, to say the least.

Still, while the good music hasn’t stuck around like songs from other years have, I think they deserve some recognition. After all, regardless of a song’s cultural significance, quality should still be recognized. So, let’s dive into those songs now, starting with our honorable mentions:

That’s the Way Love Goes (Janet Jackson) [4; 1; 20 weeks]

What Mariah Carey is for soul and pop, Janet Jackson is for hip-hop and R&B. When she sings, it sounds second nature to her, and conveys her love of making music. ‘That’s the Way Love Goes’ has a very sexual tone to it, and Janet matches that with a very sensual, seductive vocal performance that fits the song well. It’s helped by excellent production provided by Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis, the same men that produced ‘Nasty’. Considering this song was following off the heels of her ‘Rhythm Nation 1814’ album, this was an impressive follow up.

Everything’s Gonna Be Alright (Father MC ft. Jodeci) [--; 37; 1 week]

I feel like Father MC is a criminally underappreciated rapper. He’s best known for introducing the public to R&B acts Jodeci and Mary J. Blige. This isn’t one of his most popular tracks, but when you had party songs like Robin S.’s ‘Show Me Love’ or hip hop tracks like ‘Whoomp! (There It Is)’ to compare it to, I’d take this. Still though, this wasn’t the best hip-hop party song to chart this year.

Dreams (Gabrielle) [--; 29; 3 weeks]

I wasn’t old or attentive enough to the pop charts in the ‘90s to remember the British pop from that time, but I can appreciate the music from that time now that I’m older. You wouldn’t catch any singers performing a song like this after Simon Cowell was through with them. Gabrielle’s beautiful, reserved vocal performance perfectly matches the equally lovely production that carries this song. This was her first single too, and her only hit in the US, because we can’t have nice things.

Linger (The Cranberries) [--; 16; 7 weeks]

Speaking of acts from the UK, this is probably one of the subtler bands on this list. This was Irish band the Cranberries’ first and only top 10 hit in the US. It describes a scenario where the narrator seems to be trapped in a relationship where the other person sounds like he doesn’t care about her. I mean, she saw him holding another girl’s hand and he apparently lies to her all the time. Still, as far as alternative rock goes, I’d take this over Sheryl Crow any day of the week.

What’s My Name? (Snoop Doggy Dogg) [--; 8; 5 weeks]

I know that Snoop Dogg’s basically untouchable at this point, but with the amount of crap he’s been associating himself with lately, it seems to become harder to remember that, when he started out, he was a good artist. This song not only demonstrates his skills as a rapper, but Dr. Dre’s as a producer. The sample used from George Clinton’s ‘Atomic Dog’ and the interpolation from Parliament’s ‘Give Up the Funk’ are used to great effect, and as one of the first tracks in the gangsta rap genre, it is a welcome addition to the pop charts.

Now then, I know you’re fed up, folks, but keep your heads up as we count down…

…THE TOP 10 BEST HIT SONGS OF 1993!

#10.

As far as ‘80s artists that transitioned into the ‘90s, Michael Jackson’s shift seemed to go relatively smoothly. Granted, his sound didn’t change all that much, but his newer material managed to transcend the decade divide and netted him several successful hits off of his then-latest album ‘Dangerous’. Some of these hits mainly charted because they were featured in Jackson’s Super Bowl XXVII Halftime Show, but others gained success on their own strengths.

#10. Who Is It (Michael Jackson) [--; 14; 10 weeks]

Technically, this song was released as a single in the UK in 1992, but it wasn’t released in America until March of 1993. Michael never performed the song at any of his world concert tours, which is kind of understandable. Compared to most of his other well-known songs, this one’s success was pretty lackluster. Even so, I wouldn’t call this a failure of a song by any stretch.

Many critics have stated that it was pretty much a copy of ‘Billie Jean’ from his ‘Thriller’ album ten years prior, and it basically is. Michael’s controlled vocals at the beginning building up to the chorus, the softer music that doesn’t overpower those, the lyrics talking about past relationships; this song is pretty much just ‘Billie Jean ‘93’. Still, I can understand why Michael would want to remake that song; it’s still regarded as one of the best he’s ever released to this day.

In all fairness, it’s not a complete recreation; there are still some differences. The most noteworthy is the subject matter and tone. Where ‘Billie Jean’ was about a woman claiming that Michael Jackson was her baby’s father, ‘Who Is It’ is about a lover cheating on him, while he demands to know with whom. The realization of his lover’s unfaithfulness leaves him in confusion and despair as he desperately tries to guess the identity of the man she cheated with. Michael’s vocal performance matches that sense of loss and pain that he’s trying to convey, and the chorus certainly adds to that.

This song probably would’ve charted a bit higher if not for the similarities to ‘Billie Jean’. I personally feel like Michael should’ve put a bit more effort into his songwriting than to just rip off himself. That said I couldn’t bring myself to hate on this. Michael Jackson being unoriginal was still better than some of the worst acts from this year at their most artistically creative.

#9.

Okay, I’m almost certain I’ll be getting flack for this one, but hear me out…

#9. I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That) (Meat Loaf) [36; 1; 14 weeks]

Let me just start by saying I get why people don’t like this song. The ambiguity of the lyrics is pretty frustrating, and the dramatic reveal of what he wouldn’t do for love just feels like kind of a given in any relationship. Also, there’s the “sex and drums and rock ‘n’ roll” line, which…yeah, that was incredibly stupid. This song almost didn’t make the list entirely because of that one line.

So, if this song has all these problems, how can I justify liking it? Well, there are a few things. To begin with, I love the instrumentation for this song. At twelve minutes, the whole thing feels incredibly flabby at points, but while the lyrics can be tedious, the production manages to take those twelve minutes and makes the most of them. It slows down at all the moments it needs to, it picks up the tempo at the big, bombastic parts and, most importantly, it sets the atmosphere for the song well.

While the individual lyrics can reach fairly deep into the realms of cheese, I can appreciate the message behind them. It’s a song about long-term commitment and not doing anything to render the relationship meaningless. As Jim Steinman put it, it’s about how the narrator “won’t stop doing beautiful things” and “won’t do bad things”. It’s a corny sentiment when you lay it out like that, but Meat Loaf’s vocal performance sells it. Every note sounds like he’s putting his all into them, as is expected from a Meat Loaf song.

Look, I’ll understand if you disagree with me on this. It’s partially based on my personal opinion after all, so I’m not expecting everyone to like this song just because I do. Also, I will concede that there are many songs better than this one, even from this year. At the same time though, there were also ones that were a whole lot worse.

#8.

Now here’s a song that I’m sure most of you will recognize, and in a good way.

#8. What Is Love (Haddaway) [82; 11; 14 weeks]

This might be my first time talking at length about German pop music. Haddaway is a Trinidadian-German musician who, like many European crossover acts, saw greater success in his native country. He was also surprisingly successful in Austria, Finland, Switzerland and the UK. Unfortunately, he’s only known for his debut hit song in America.

It’s fitting that Haddaway is a Eurodance artist. The genre originated in central Europe, particularly Germany, and he released this song around the time it was starting to gain popularity in the United States. Considering house music was in at the time, it fit right in, and it was probably one of the best of such songs of its time. Its upbeat dance track and soulful vocals stood out against the more stripped-down adult-alternative and gave it a sense of dignity and intelligence that pop rap tended to lack.

Of course, that just leaves the lyrics and subject matter. The song describes how the narrator is in love with someone who doesn’t love him back. Considering my own poor experience in romantic relationships, this speaks to me. It doesn’t even just sound like a mere sexual attraction either; the guy is infatuated by this other person, and it tears him apart that she doesn’t share his feelings. Furthermore, unlike Positive K, he doesn’t try to brag his way into this girl’s pants either; he sounds like he’s at an all-time low because of this.

I’m not going to pretend I don’t know why Haddaway hasn’t seen as much success in America; it’s because his other songs sounded too similar to this one. There’s some variation here or there, but for the most part he seemed to be recycling this one song idea. It’s even reached the point that he remade this exact song over and over just with different production. Granted, it’s not like it’s a bad song to try and recreate; I’m certainly not complaining, but it’s a shame that he had such a limited artistic vision. Still, this song wins my approval.

#7.

1993 saw a lot of film themes making the pop charts. Between the ‘Free Willy’ theme and half the soundtrack to ‘The Bodyguard’, this year was apparently incredibly good for movie tracks. This next song was, not just the weirdest of this bunch, but also one of the weirdest charting songs period.

#7. I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) (The Proclaimers) [27; 3; 16 weeks]

The Proclaimers were a pretty bizarre act. They consisted of twin brothers Craig and Charlie Reid and released music that was too odd to exist in the mainstream but not odd enough to be hipster. Not helping matters was the fact that they tended to dress like colossal dorks. Even so, I don’t mind their music, and I think ‘I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)’ might be my favorite song by them.

Instrumentally, the song’s pretty basic. It’s somewhere between celtic, folk and college rock, and the sound matches nicely with the pair’s voices. Those accents blend well with a more folky sounding song; they work to its advantage by making it sound more earnest, if a bit more ridiculous.

Of course, the main selling points for me are the lyrics. The structure is also fairly rudimentary; the verses go as follows: “If I do X, well I know I’m gonna be, I’m gonna be the man who does X for you”. The chorus isn’t any more complicated:

But I would walk 500 miles

And I would walk 500 more

Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles

To fall down at your door

Even so, the simplicity of the song’s message is also a plus. The fact that it’s a love song and not, say, an “I wanna have sex with you” song makes the ridiculousness of the lyrics and the Reid brothers’ voices add to the idea that they believe every word they’re saying. They aren’t putting on airs of pretentiousness like Spin Doctors did.

The rest of the Proclaimers’ music is a surprisingly good listen also. They didn’t vary their sound all that often, but I don’t think they needed to. If they’d tried to change themselves to match trends more, they likely wouldn’t have lasted that long or sounded as good. I can respect them for staying true to themselves and maintaining their artistic integrity, something you don’t see a lot of bands doing that often anymore.

#6.

Remember Peter Gabriel’s ‘Sledgehammer’? That was a rather impressive song and video, wasn’t it? 1986 saw the release of his fifth studio album, ‘So’, which to this date is still one of his best selling records. It took him six years to release a follow-up, and there was no way it could possibly measure up to that album. But goddamn if it didn’t come close.

#6. Steam (Peter Gabriel) [--; 32; 5 weeks]

This wasn’t the lead single off of Peter Gabriel’s sixth studio album, ‘Us’, but it was the one that saw the most success between the two. Before people ask, no, this song isn’t as good as ‘Sledgehammer’. You can certainly see echoes of it in this song though, even in the video, which is kind of a mess honestly. That said, I think the song stands well enough in its own right.

Let’s focus first on the production and instrumentation. The song’s primarily driven by horns, but it also features guitar and bass keeping the song moving, plus an eclectic drum part. Those are accented by Peter Gabriel’s vocals, which carry his usual, quirky element that makes them unique. It’s also worth noting that this song is a little faster than ‘Sledgehammer’, which adds some diversity.

Of course, what specifically works in this song’s favor are the lyrics and subject matter. Once again, we’re seeing Peter Gabriel delving into a topic he seems to seriously enjoy to an almost embarrassing degree: sex. The song describes a woman who seems to know everything about everything, but Peter Gabriel knows more about her than she does. Interpret that however you wish. So, he wants to feel her “steam”, which is fairly explanatory.

As far as sex songs go, I’ve certainly heard worse. At the very least, Peter Gabriel is better at this than Bryan Adams because he sounds like he has some level of sexual experience and authority. He could only have written this kind of song if he’d had sex before. Where ‘Please Forgive Me’ is the awkward, uncomfortable, pathetic attempts at getting it on when you’re still in high school, ‘Steam’ is the sexual conquest of a seasoned veteran who’s intent on giving this woman the night of her dreams.

#5.

After the massive hit that was her debut album, Mariah Carey decided to explore other genres for her second. That album did pretty well for itself, but it didn’t achieve the same commercial or critical heights as her first, and it failed to introduce her to a new audience. So, for her third record, Mariah’s handlers decided to have her return to the same genre as her first, and I think that was the right choice.

#5. Dreamlover (Mariah Carey) [8; 1; 22 weeks]

What Madonna was to the ‘80s Mariah Carey was to the ‘90s. There might have been a number of noteworthy stars at different periods of this decade, but on the whole, the pop music world belonged to her. This was the period where she amassed the most hits, where she went through the most exploration of range and genres, and most importantly, where her quality was at its peak.

This song shows Mariah leaning a little more on pop with some R&B influence, and it’s a surprisingly good fit for her. While I do like it when she’s able to show off her range, I think she’s at her best when her voice is lighter and more melodic, like on ‘Love Takes Time’, ‘One Sweet Day’, or this song. Surprisingly though, ‘Dreamlover’ has her doing both.

Of course, it shares something in common with a different song of hers, ‘Fantasy’, in that it samples an older song, in this case ‘Blind Alley’ by the Emotions, and uses that sample to great effect. When putting this song together, she stated that she wanted to make something happy, which conflicted with co-writer and producer Dave Hall’s usual style. Of course, Walter Afanasieff, the only holdover from her debut album, contributed as well, reworking the organ, drums and keyboard, and changing the organ and hi-hat parts to add more swing and drive.

None of this is meant to make people think that Mariah’s continued success throughout the ‘90s was entirely because of everyone she worked with and discredit her own talent as a singer and songwriter. I still hesitate to consider myself a fan, but I won’t doubt that she is, or at least was very gifted and made incredibly good music. Twenty years later, she seems to be long past the point of having hits, but I hope she doesn’t stop making music regardless.

#4.

I don’t always enjoy going over artists I’ve already covered before. It tends to limit my exposure to the music of the time. That’s not to say that many of the artists I cover don’t warrant another listen though…

#4. I Get Around (2Pac) [56; 11; 15 weeks]

This was Tupac Shakur’s first hit song. It’s not his best, but it’s certainly a nice enough place to start from. It’s interesting to compare a song like this to some of the more socially conscious material he’s also made. While Tupac’s had quite a few songs about things like appreciation for his mama or respect towards women, it’s nice to know that, every once in a while, he can just have fun.

This song specifically focuses on something a lot of gangsta rappers tended to enjoy: bragging about their sexual activeness. It’s a song where Tupac talks about how he nails other guys girls, but it’s framed differently from how such songs tend to be. Most of the time, the guy’s just using it as a means to rub your face in the fact that he stole your chick because he can. Tupac, however, is presenting that it’s not meant to be a put down for the woman’s man; he respects guys that can keep their women away from him.

In addition, he still has standards about the kind of women he’ll engage in sexcapades with. He’s not just going to go with the first chick that asks; he wants the girl to tease him. For him that’s a form of foreplay. In addition, he makes it clear that he’s not interested in a relationship, and that he won’t put up with someone leading him on, deciding they don’t want sex, then accusing him of rape later.

Now, some of you are probably thinking, “Wait, wasn’t this kind of similar to that Positive K song on the worst list? How can you be okay with it here when you weren’t okay with it before?” One reason: Tupac possesses the charisma and personality that can allow him to pull this off. Positive K’s weak attempts at self-awareness just can’t measure up to Tupac’s swagger or confidence.

I might’ve been too young to get exposed to gangsta rap in its prime, but I’m glad that I can now look back on it and reflect on how much better it used to be. With some of the original big names in the genre gone now and their influence being felt less and less, it just goes to show how much good rap music we lost when Tupac and Biggie Smalls died. Keep getting around up in Thug Mansion, Tupac; you haven’t been forgotten.

#3.

I’m finding myself getting slowly more interested in rap music after putting these lists together, but I feel like there’s still something missing, something that could help draw me in further. What could possibly help me fully embrace hip-hop music? How about adding some jazz?

#3. Rebirth of Slick (Cool Like Dat) (Digable Planets) [81; 15; 13 weeks]

For those not in the know, jazz rap is a fusion subgenre of hip-hop and jazz that coalesced in the late ‘80s. It was an attempt to combine African-American music of the past with the more dominant form of the present. It tends to use rhythms from hip-hop with the repetitive phrases of jazz instrumentation laid over that. The genre saw little mainstream success, but this year we got one hit song out of it from Digable Planets, and it is a masterpiece.

First, let’s look at the instrumentation and production. It includes samples from various songs: ‘Stretching’ by Art Blakey & the Jazz Messengers, ‘Impeach the President’ by The Honey Drippers, ‘Blow Your Head’ by Fred Wesley & the J.B.’s, and ‘Foodstamps’ by 24-Carat Black. All four songs are incorporated impressively, and add to the atmosphere of the song. They each add a layer of class and style that most hip-hop music can’t hope to achieve, especially today.

That leaves us with the lyrics, with each verse written by one of the members of Digable Planets. All three verses share a common trend: for the most part, each line of each verse begins with a different pronoun, including question words like “who”, “why”, “where”, and “when”. As for the lyrics as a whole, they speak of hip-hop and how it had, or would become the new “cool”, and for the most part they were right. They even predicted this song becoming a classic.

It’s rare nowadays that you hear a song where the rappers brag about how cool they are and they come across as such. They sadly only ever released two albums before breaking up, but they have since had a few reunion tours, which apparently saw large crowds in attendance. If they decide to start releasing new material as a result of this, I wouldn’t complain; mainstream rap could use more Digable Planets in it.

#2.

1993 was a pretty good year for hip-hop. Pop rap was starting to fizzle out, gangsta rap was starting to take over, and we were seeing success from really good hip-hop acts like Tupac Shakur, Snoop Doggy Dogg, and Digable Planets. Sometimes though, it’s not the most high-minded projects that end up on top. In fact, it can be nice to have something simpler now and then, such as this.

#2. Hey Mr. D.J. (Zhané) [64; 6; 16 weeks]

Zhané was an American R&B/hip hop soul duo formed by Renée Neufville and Jean Norris. After meeting DJ Jazzy Jeff, they released their first professional recording together with ‘Ring My Bell’, which was on the same album that featured DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince’s ‘Summertime’. Former Warner Bros. executive Benny Medina then suggested they perform as a group, leading to their first recording opportunity: a high-profile spot on the all-star compilation ‘Roll Wit Tha Flava’. The song they created was ‘Hey Mr. D.J.’, one of the greatest hip-hop party anthems of all time.

The lyrics aren’t much to talk about; they basically talk about how it’s the weekend so let’s have some fun. How they’re presented, though, is very warmly and invitingly. Renée Neufville and Jean Norris are excellent vocalists and they play off of each other and harmonize very well on this song.

Of course, that leaves the production. The excellently handled, smooth as silk instrumentation was handled by 118^th Street Productions. I sadly can’t find a lot on this group, but from what I’ve seen this is one of the only things they’ve worked on. These guys deserved more work because this was easily the best-produced song to come from this year.

Zhané sadly didn’t do too much after this song. They released their debut album the following year, their follow-up album in 1997, and disbanded in 1999. The other singles they released weren’t as good as ‘Hey Mr. D.J.’, but I still liked all of them. I honestly wish they’d stuck around a little longer; I’m curious about what other kind of music they might’ve released. Despite all of this though, there is still one song I thought was better.

#1.

I’ve gone on record as saying I’m not a huge fan of doo-wop music. Part of the problem is that the genre just doesn’t feel very creative; once you’ve heard one such song you’ve basically heard them all. That said people could still do interesting things with the genre if they exercised enough effort, and I can safely say that, in 1993, Boyz II Men did so.

#1. In the Still of the Nite (I’ll Remember) (Boyz II Men) [12; 3; 13 weeks]

Boyz II Men were pretty unique for their time. Compared to other boy bands of the early ‘90s, like Color Me Badd or Hi-Five, they were easily the best. Their voices were generally in tune, and didn’t make me want to gouge out my ears, they didn’t sound like douche bags, and their subject matters tended to be a bit more mature for groups of their kind.

It’s worth noting that this is a cover of a Five Satins song from the mid-‘50s. The original was a traditional doo-wop ballad that didn’t really differentiate itself from other songs of the genre. It had generic lyrics about love, the harmonies were just not very interesting and while it might possibly have originated the term ‘doo-wop’, it just doesn’t feel very iconic.

Boyz II Men took this song and made it their own. In essence, all they did was make it a cappella, which can be a bit of a mixed bag. Doing so meant it needed to rely entirely on the voices to add layers or harmonies to the sound, and they deliver beautifully. For once, the nonsensical lyrics that bother me so much about doo-wop work to the song’s advantage by adding some atmosphere to the otherwise empty song. There’s just something the harmonized voices in this song bring that an instrument wouldn’t be able to.

With how often I tend to bash on terrible covers, it’s nice to hear one that’s not just good, but an improvement compared to the original. It’s not often that you hear an a cappella song on the radio, even back then, so it was a nice change to hear something like this. ‘In the Still of the Nite’ by Boyz II Men: the best hit song of 1993.  

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 1993

Hello again folks. It’s been a while but we’re back in the early ‘90s. This particular year was a suggestion from one of my readers, and I can safely say this was at least an interesting year. Guns N’ Roses played their final gig with the original line up, Michael Jackson was charged with child molestation for the first time, Prince changed his name to an unpronounceable symbol, The Wu-Tang Clan and A Tribe Called Quest both released acclaimed albums, Rick Astley retired from music, and Tupac Shakur was arrested and charged with shooting two off-duty police officers.

What about the music itself though? Unfortunately, I feel like this year fell into kind of a dead zone in terms of early ‘90s music. Not a lot of fondly remembered songs came out this year, and while gangsta rap was just around the corner, pop rap wasn’t quite dead yet. Hair metal had its last few dying breaths and grunge was surprisingly sparse. Compared to previous years I’ve covered, the bad music from this time was certainly dumb, but there was more to it than just that; it also felt meaningless. The worst music from this time felt devoid of purpose or significance of any sort. In fact, if I weren’t about to list these songs below, chances are none of you would even remember most of them. But I’ve rambled on long enough; it’s time we actually got into those songs, starting with our dishonorable mentions:

Mr. Wendal (Arrested Development) [31; 6; 20 weeks]

Sometimes it’s nice to acknowledge that the homeless are people too and deserve the same level of respect and dignity as anyone else. That said, I still wouldn’t want to be homeless myself. Yet this song seems to glorify the idea of living on the street, claiming that it makes one wiser and that one’s only concerns are illness and police harassment. There are other problems though, such as lack of personal security, inability to maintain hygiene, reduced access to health and dental care, limited access to education and difficulty with finding gainful employment, just to name a few. It sucks that the homeless go through issues like these, but that doesn’t mean you should be in a rush to join them.

Said I Loved You…But I Lied (Michael Bolton) [--; 9; 8 weeks]

Really Bolton? So, you say what you feel for this person is so strong it is no longer considered love but something “more than love”? Okay then genius, why is it that you describe this feeling with all the typical clichés people have come to associate with the concept of love? Saying that what you feel is more than another feeling doesn’t make you seem like a better person; it’s just stupid! You’re stupid!

Gangsta Lean (DRS) [--; 4; 10 weeks]

Here’s a fun drinking game: every time you hear someone say the word “homie” or “homies” in this song, take a shot. Also, apparently the “gangsta lean” is a reference to lying in a coffin, which is kind of a ridiculous way to describe it. Even if you wanted to write a song dedicated to fallen comrades, don’t you think you should write one that’s good? This song was to 1993 what ‘See You Again’ was to 2015: a sloppy, poorly executed song meant as a tribute to a deceased friend that supposedly comes from someplace real, but can’t seem to express it in a sincere manner.

What’s Up Doc? (Can We Rock) (Fu-Schnickens & Shaquille O’Neal)

Shaquille O’Neal is not a rapper. Also, what’s with all the children’s show and film references? Looney Tunes? Batman? Mary Poppins? Making references to those in addition to the adult language just makes you sound childish. Unless that’s what you were going for, which it doesn’t sound like it was, I can’t say I’m impressed.

Forever in Love (Kenny G) [73; 18; 13 weeks]

Kenny G is boring as hell. That’s pretty much all I have to say on this.

Right then; let’s get insane in the membrane as we count down…

…THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF 1993!

#10.

2014 was the year of butts for me. The excess of butts I experienced that year was so inescapable that they became a serious turn-off for me. When the year ended and the booty-pocalypse came to a close, I thought I was finally free. Sadly, it seems insistent on following me.

#10. Dazzey Duks (Duice) [16; 12; 26 weeks]

While I recognize that ‘Baby Got Back’ is an integral part of human culture at this point, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive Sir Mix-a-lot for popularizing the booty anthem. Pretty much every single one since has tried to accomplish what that song did. Yet none of them work because they forget that, while ‘Baby Got Back’ is about butts, it’s framed as an empowerment anthem in a sense.

This booty jam only has one thing going for it: it’s focusing on the butt in relation to a specific type of fashion. The title is a misspelling of the name of a type of short shorts worn by the character Daisy Duke from ‘The Dukes of Hazzard’. Other than that, the song’s lyrics are nonsense, just obnoxious non-punch lines and phrases about objectifying women. Not really helping matters are the rappers’ flow. They both recite lines with this herky-jerky rhythm that emphasizes all the wrong syllables.

Production wise, the song does nothing to stand out. Ignoring the ass references, it’s just another generic pop rap song. The early ‘90s were full of songs like this, though most of them were supposed to teach you a ridiculous dance to do with the song. Even ‘Whoop! (There It Is)’ offered the listener a quotable line to recite. ‘Dazzey Duks’ doesn’t even offer that much since the lyrics are practically incomprehensible.

Duice, the duo that recorded this asinine piece of tripe, didn’t have any further success as a group. They released two albums, the first one becoming a hit and the second selling less than a thousand copies. One of the pair, L.A. Sno, did help produce and co-write songs for other artists, but chances are you haven’t heard any of them. In other words, these two were flashes in the pan that had no talent and didn’t warrant the success they got.

#9.

House music may have run its course by 1995, but it was still fairly big in 1993. One of the most well remembered hits to come from this genre was from a singer named Haddaway, who had his biggest hit this year with ‘What Is Love’, which is a glorious song. On a more relevant note, here’s Robin S. with ‘Show Me Love’.

#9. Show Me Love (Robin S.) [17; 5; 22 weeks]

Now, for those of you not familiar with ‘90s music, you’re likely thinking, “I’ve never heard this song before and have no idea what you’re talking about”. Actually, chances are you have heard this song before. You remember the Kid Ink song ‘Show Me’ from back in 2014? How about Jason Derulo’s ‘Don’t Wanna Go Home’ from 2011? That’s right, both of these songs sampled the melody from this one. Right out the gate this is a bad sign, considering ‘Don’t Wanna Go Home’ was the worst song to chart in 2011 and I’ll likely cover ‘Show Me’ when I get to 2014.

In terms of melody, I guess I could kind of understand why someone would like this song, but it does nothing for me besides make my skin crawl. The melody is just this glossy, ugly thing that repeats this one kind of bubbly sounding loop until your brain melts. The song this one reminds me the most of is ‘Temptation’ by Korina, in that it’s supposed to be a fun dance song, but instead sounds like something from a horror film.

If the lyrics matched this tone maybe I’d be able to buy it. The thing is, the song’s about how the narrator wants the listener to show her how much they love her, because she’s been burned by love so many times and wants to get it right this time. A premise like this isn’t bad so long as it’s executed well. Unfortunately, Robin S. just doesn’t have the confidence and dominance to pull off this persona; she comes across as too desperate to be believable. She doesn’t seem to stay focused on what attitude she’s trying to convey either.

Like the previous act, Robin S. only released two albums, with her second album not seeing nearly as much success as her first. However, she’s apparently still performing to this day, so I guess she’s doing all right for herself. Still though, if you ask me, you’re better off checking out the other song named ‘Show Me Love’ by Robyn that came out three years later, and showing no further love for this.

#8.

Now here’s a genre I’ve yet to touch base with: cod reggae. It’s a British term that can roughly be translated to mean “false reggae”, and is basically that: reggae made by people that don’t understand the roots or inspirations behind the genre. The people that usually perform this tend to be white and the music tends to be stiff and lifeless, though it’s not always bad. People are probably expecting to see the Snow song ‘Informer’ on this list now that I’ve mentioned this genre, but I honestly didn’t have that much issue with it. It wasn’t anything special, but it was harmless. Fight the real enemy folks.

#8. (I Can’t Help) Falling in Love with You (UB40) [3; 1; 23 weeks]

While UB40 were incredibly successful in their native UK, in America they’re mostly known for their covers. That baffles me because all of their covers are terrible. In fact, all of their songs are terrible. They’re a reggae band in the same sense that Vanilla Ice is a rapper. This particular song is especially awful when you consider the artist they’re covering.

The original song had this soft, gentle instrumentation that didn’t overpower Elvis’s vocal performance. It matched the tone of the song and had life to it. UB40’s version sounds no different from any other song they perform; it’s limp and soggy, like an old sponge. It completely clashes with the mood of the song; it’s aiming to be light and bouncy, and it can’t even pull that off.

That brings us to front man Ali Campbell. Elvis’s performance was soulful and earnest. He packed so much more tangled emotion into his performance than Campbell could even hope to realize exists. Instead, he sounds like he was singing simultaneously through his nose and from the very front of his mouth, which just sounds ugly and lacking any kind of romantic appeal whatsoever.

If the Police were reggae influenced music done right, UB40 are what it’s like when it’s done completely and utterly wrong. Their lead singer can’t sing, the band performs music that even stoners couldn’t get into, and they take dumps on classic songs. “I can’t help falling in love with you,” huh Campbell? Well I can’t help hating you, your band or particularly this song.  

#7.

Seriously Disney, what in the name of all that is kid friendly were you thinking?

#7. A Whole New World (Peabo Bryson and Regina Belle) [18; 1; 18 weeks]

I understand that animated films weren’t considered things to be taken seriously back in the ‘90s, and Disney needed to have contemporary artists cover songs from them in order to get Oscars or Grammys. You do what you’ve got to do. What I don’t understand is why said covers needed to suck so much. It doesn’t help matters that the artists they keep picking for these covers just aren’t very good.

To begin with, there’s the instrumentation. This is the absolute wrong sound for a song like this. The original version had this light, colorful musical score that included flutes, strings and brass instruments. It truly felt like the listener was soaring along with the lead characters on their magic carpet ride. This cover version just sounds bland and dull. There’s no magic here; it’s driven primarily by an electric piano, and it just feels too heavy to be any fun.

That brings us to the two singers. Say what you want about Disney movies’ lead protagonists during this time period, but they had gorgeous singing voices. Brad Kane and Lea Salonga were a great match for this song; they truly sound like two people falling in love. Meanwhile, this cover has Peabo Bryson and Regina Belle, who aren’t necessarily bad singers per se, but you can tell listening to them that the song’s being sung by celebrities. It doesn’t sound romantic or enchanting; it just sounds like two people singing a generic pop song for the sake of getting a hit out of it.

I don’t think Disney songs performed by popular bands or artists are inherently bad; they can be good. Idina Menzel’s ‘Let It Go’, Fall Out Boy’s ‘Immortals’ and Shakira’s ‘Try Everything’ are examples of how these can be done well, but this? It’s the purest and most transparent attempt at Oscar and Grammy bait. It’s not the worst example of such, though I might just get to that someday. For now, let me just say this is one “whole new world” that was probably best left unvisited.

#6.

I’m probably going to get a lot of flack for this one. I know people like this song, and there’s nothing wrong with that. As for me personally, I just think it’s awful.

#6. Two Princes (Spin Doctors) [28; 7; 22 weeks]

One of the big movements that came to mainstream prominence in the early ‘90s was alternative rock. With the breakthrough of Nirvana and the rising popularity of grunge and Britpop, studio executives started to see the commercial viability of alternative rock, especially with the success of bands like R.E.M. Somewhere mixed in with the other bands of this mold is where you’ll find Spin Doctors, who had their two hits around this time: this song and ‘Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong’ from the year before.

One of the main descriptions of alternative rock is that it’s guitars first and foremost, and that the lyrics focus on social issues like drug use, depression, suicide and environmentalism. So, you’d think that a song from this genre would have more thought and effort put into it. ‘Two Princes’, meanwhile, is this zero-calorie nothing of a song that sounds like it was written in five minutes. Seriously, some of these lyrical choices feel like they were the first things the writer could think of to fill up space in the song, especially the chorus:

Said if you want to call me baby

Just go ahead now

And if you like to tell me maybe

Just go ahead now

And if you wanted to buy me flowers

Just go ahead now

And if you like to talk for hours

Just go ahead now

Noticing a pattern here?

That said, what do these nonsensical lyrics mean when you focus on the whole? Well, the narrator is broke, doesn’t have a future or family to his name and he’s competing for this girl’s hand against a wealthy man with “diamonds in his pockets” and a “Big Seal upon his jacket”. Her father will approve her if she marries the wealthy man, but disown her if she marries the narrator. Not exactly selling yourself very well here, are you dude?

Also, there’s little to indicate he actually does love this girl; the chorus is all about the things he thinks she would want to do for him, not the other way around. He says he wants to buy her rockets and that he knows what a prince and lover ought to be, but those feel less like statements of affection, and more like desperate nothings he’s spouting to win her over because that’s all he’s got.

More than anything, the song this one reminds me of is ‘Rude’ by MAGIC!, in that it claims to be a song about love, but has undercurrents that make it feel a lot less appealing. In ‘Two Princes’s case, the narrator just sounds like an arrogant jerk who thinks he can win this girl over with outrageous claims that he can’t back up. Normally I can enjoy stories where the underdog succeeds and love conquers all, but what am I supposed to like about this guy? In other words, no dude; I don’t want to call you “baby”, I don’t want to tell you “maybe”, I don’t want to buy you flowers, and if I were to talk for hours, it would be about anything other than you.

#5.

Besides ‘Summer of ‘69’, would someone please tell me why we kept Bryan Adams around in the ‘90s?  

#5. Please Forgive Me (Bryan Adams) [--; 7; 9 weeks]

I feel like it’s kind of hilarious that this song is so terrible that even its title feels the need to apologize for its existence. Bryan Adams had two hits around this time. The other one ‘All For Love’ almost got consideration for this list, but between the two I think ‘Please Forgive Me’ is far worse.

First of all, there’s the song’s lifeless melody. I realize it’s trying to have a serious tone, but there’s a difference between being somber and being crap, and ‘Please Forgive Me’ falls ass first into the latter. It really says something about how poorly structured a song is that the chorus is the weakest part of the song. Even a key change near the end of the song wasn’t enough to salvage it.

That just leaves the lyrics and subject matter, which are somehow worse. I’ll cut to the chase: it’s a song about sex. That’s right, Mr. ‘(Everything I Do) I Do It For You’ wants to sing about sex now. See, Bryan Adams wants you to forgive him if he bangs you too hard, because he just can’t help loving you. I realize not everyone likes it rough, but even if this woman doesn’t, is this honestly the apology you think will make up for that? “I’m sorry for riding you so hard honey. I didn’t know what I was doing, so don’t deny me the pain I’m going through. I just love you too much is all.” Oh yeah, such a charmer, that one.

I seriously didn’t need a song that gave me the mental image of Bryan Adams’s “Oh” face. Even if you’re a fan, I can’t imagine what you could possibly get out of this song aside from an apology that it exists. People say that Canada’s apology for him wasn’t enough, but really we should be focusing our rage at the man himself. Bryan Adams, your apology wasn’t good enough!

#4.

Something I’ve noticed about bad music from this year was that the artists in question didn’t tend to see much further success after this point. This could be because they only became popular because they rode on trends of the time, or because the music they made happened to be in vogue. In some cases, I think the more likely reason was that people were quick to catch on that these artists just plain sucked.

#4. I Got a Man (Positive K) [63; 14; 14 weeks]

Positive K started out contributing to a hip-hop showcase album called ‘Fast Money’ for the smaller, independent label Star Maker in 1986. After that, he made appearances on a few underground compilations, including releasing a duet with MC Lyte called ‘I’m Not Havin’ It’. However, it was ‘I Got a Man’ that propelled him into the public eye. I can’t understand why though, since it was not only basically a carbon copy of ‘I’m Not Havin’ It’, but also complete crap.

The “plot” of the song, if you will, is that Positive K is hitting on a woman but being repeatedly rejected because she has a man already. Despite this, he continues to pester her, rejects her offer to just be friends and even states that he isn’t interested in a committed relationship, but would prefer one of physical pleasures. Dude, take a hint: she’s not interested, she’s already taken and all you’re doing is making yourself seem like a creep and an idiot for not understanding that “no” means “no”.

Of course, considering the fact that he voices both parties in the song, this would suggest that there’s a hint of self-awareness on display. That can safely be dismissed though, once you consider that the voice that represents himself seriously thinks he’s hot stuff, and ultimately has the last say at the end. Positive K just doesn’t seem like he knows how to make that kind of social commentary, and as I pointed out, he’s done this before.

This was Positive K’s only hit song, and none of the rest of his material ever achieved the same success. He released his second album back in 2008, and a collaboration album with Greg Nice earlier this year. The former was apparently made up of songs between 1986 and 1997 that he never released, and I can’t find anything on the latter. After listening to this though, I can’t say I care to either. 

#3.

Back when I posted my ‘worst of 1991’ list, there was one artist I briefly discussed but who barely missed the list proper: Tevin Campbell. I realize that people like the kid, but his first solo single ‘Round and Round’ did nothing for me. It showcased some less-than-stellar production from Prince and Tevin himself was fifteen and sounded how one would expect a fifteen-year-old Michael Jackson wannabe would sound. It might’ve qualified, but I ultimately felt like it merely showcased that he had the potential to make awful music. I can safely say that, by 1993, he achieved it.

#3. Can We Talk (Tevin Campbell) [--; 10; 11 weeks]

I’m not entirely sure I have coherent criticism of this song. I realize that people that are nostalgic for early ‘90s R&B and soul will doubtlessly disagree with this choice. That said, within the first few seconds of hearing this song I knew I completely, utterly hated it.

I guess I can start with the lyrics and subject matter. It’s a song about a guy that likes a girl but is too shy to tell her. He keeps telling himself he’ll eventually ask for her name, though he never does. This would seem like a cute little idea for a song, until you get to the end of the song and his requests start to get a bit more forceful. He’s not asking for her name anymore; he’s demanding it at that point. That’s more than a little concerning; if I were this girl I wouldn’t want to give my name out to someone like that either. It’s not quite as bad as Lionel Richie’s ‘Hello’, but there are still reflections of it in there.

Of course, the biggest problem I have with this song is Tevin Campbell’s singing. Every single note he sings is just this awkward, nasal whine. He sounds like a dying cat! Say what you will about Lionel Richie; at least he sounded like a human being! I know I shouldn’t be giving this kid so much flack; he was seventeen at the time this song came out, and to be fair he has developed some bass in his voice now that he’s older. Still though, his singing is still reedy as ever and he’s now transitioned from being a Michael Jackson wannabe to an Usher wannabe. Because we didn’t have enough of those now, did we?

I just don’t understand why we needed Tevin Campbell around. There’s nothing noteworthy about him that we weren’t getting from other people. His negative qualities only serve to accent how little he contributes to the pop music world. Also, he hasn’t had a hit since 1994 and even some of his fans didn’t like his later material. What purpose does he serve? None. Moving along!

#2.

One of the trends I noticed about 1993 was the rise in people trying to copy the formula of Boyz II Men. This seemed to make sense; the band was growing in popularity, and would only get bigger from here. The problem is that the bands that tried their hand at their style tended to be crap, and this is by far the worst example of such.

#2. Comforter (Shai) [48; 10; 20 weeks]

I was never a Boyz II Men fan, but I will admit that their early material demonstrated that they had talent, and with time it would blossom into quality music, like in 1995 with ‘One Sweet Day’. The same could certainly not be said of their imitators, particularly of this band, Shai. They had their only hits between 1992 and 1994, and all of them are bad, but this might be the worst of all.

Let’s start by focusing on the singers. These have to be some of the most boring, formulaic harmonies I’ve heard from a song this year. There’s no passion in these guys’ voices at all; they sound checked out. Even the ad-libbed portions don’t sound like they put any effort into them!

Of course, the singing is just the tip of the iceberg; the real problem with this song is the subject matter and lyrics. See, according to the boys in Shai, your man treats you badly, and they can treat you better. I dare say they sound like such nice guys! I shouldn’t even need to go into detail about this; we all know that “nice guys” are the gutless losers that don’t seem to realize they’re just as big assholes as the jocks they hate. They seem to think that girls only date jerks, and that they can treat them like gentlemen. Look, even if the girl isn’t happy with this current relationship, that doesn’t mean she wants to hook up with you instead.

I think it’s interesting to note that the bad music from this year seemed to reflect the bad music we’re getting nowadays. 1993 had ‘Gangsta Lean’ instead of ‘See You Again’, ‘Two Princes’ instead of ‘Rude’, ‘Dazzey Duks’ instead of any booty song from 2014 and now this song instead of Shawn Mendes’s ‘Treat You Better’. We already had all these terrible songs before! Why are they suddenly spawning again now? Still, there was one song worse than this.

#1.

I’m sure people are tired of hearing me say this by now, especially given some of the worst picks for my previous lists. Still, this needs to be an honest list, and I do think this next song is awful, a very familiar kind of awful. Yes folks, once again we’re dealing with a comedy song that isn’t funny, and it pains me that it had to come from metal.

#1. Three Little Pigs (Green Jellÿ) [93; 17; 12 weeks]

See, I’d like to think I have an open mind. I don’t know of any examples of metal demonstrating forms of comedy, but I would be willing to hear people present examples of such. I can safely say that this is not one of them. It’s not even like Green Jellÿ were a great band to begin with; by their own admission, they suck.

First, let’s start with the vocals and instrumentation. The vocals are provided by the band’s lead vocalist Bill Manspeaker, as well as Maynard James Keenan, who would go on to be the lead vocalist for the band Tool, Les Claypool, bassist and lead vocalist of Primus, and Pauly Shore, who’s built an entire career out of not being funny. The performances they give are annoying and painful. Manspeaker sounds like he’s being castrated and the others sound like either they’re regressing back to kindergarten or they’re adults who flunked out of kindergarten.

That leaves the lyrics, which are a retelling of the story of ‘The Three Little Pigs’. In this version, one of the pigs is a pot-smoking religious speaker, another graduated from Harvard, and the wolf rides a Harley and is killed by Rambo at the end of the song. Here’s a game for you to play: find the moment where any of this is supposed to be funny. You’ll be looking a long time, because there is none. The additions to the story don’t add to it and they certainly don’t provide any comedy for the listener to laugh at.

Then you get to the end of the song, and it closes on this line: “And the moral of the story is a band with no talent can easily amuse idiots with a stupid puppet show”. That’s right, this song relies entirely on the poor-quality claymation video for its moral to make any sense. First of all, you’re basically saying that you have no talent and anyone that finds this song funny is an idiot. Some of the people in this song clearly had talent; they went on to join much better bands! Furthermore, admitting that you made something terrible doesn’t excuse you from having done so. If anything, this makes it worse, because you’ve admitted that you know what you created was crap and did nothing to fix it! Nice save, douche bag!

Green Jellÿ just weren’t a funny band; the only thing they had going for them was their live performances. Even with those, they didn’t serve any purpose. When the KLF did their ridiculous antics, they were at least presenting an artistic statement, something this band didn’t have. They didn’t use their self-awareness to any ends other than to present no indication that they gave a crap about their music or audience. ‘Three Little Pigs’ by Green Jellÿ: my pick for the worst hit song of 1993.