Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 1986

Hey folks. I wanted to take a moment to talk about the pop music from 1986. I know I already went on kind of a tirade about it on my previous list, but just humor me for a second. I’m not rescinding what I said about the majority of it; that still holds true. Most of the pop songs from that year were unfortunately quite boring and unmemorable. By far, I had a much harder time finding songs I felt anything more than dull apathy towards, and that was especially true for putting together the picks for the worst list.

However, at the same time, that doesn’t mean that I really needed to struggle to find songs I liked from this year. In fact, while not necessarily great songs, the songs I did like from this year were still very good. I actually had a much easier time picking songs for the best list than the worst list, which was a first for me this time around. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that the number of songs I liked were enough to qualify 1986 as a good year. At the very least though, I’d probably rank the good songs from this year above some of the ones that I put on my best of 2001 list, or at least the honorable mentions from that list. These were the songs that shined like gold in the dull grey blandness that was most of 1986’s music.

So yeah, while 1986 wasn’t by any means a ‘good’ year, there was still plenty of good music to be found in it. Speaking of which, I think it’s about time to cast aside our concerns regarding the places where this year really didn’t measure up and focus on the good stuff, starting with our honorable mentions:

Open Your Heart (Madonna) [--; 22; 4 weeks]

Madonna really was at her peak in the ‘80s, both in terms of quality and success. Michael Jackson may have decided to sit out 1986, but I guess the queen of pop would not be deterred by the dullness of the rest of the year around her. This was actually a bigger hit in 1987, but that doesn’t make it any less of a positive contribution to 1986 all the same.

Danger Zone (Kenny Loggins) [42; 2; 13 weeks]

Ah yes, the iconic ‘80s movie theme. I honestly would have considered this for the list, except that I’ve been exposed to it enough times that I’ve just gotten kind of tired of hearing it. That’s not to say I think it’s any less of a good song. I just kind of feel like some of the song’s appeal has kind of worn out on me.

You Give Love a Bad Name (Bon Jovi) [30; 1; 13 weeks]

What else but hair metal, am I right? If there’s one thing that the mid to late ‘80s had going for them, it was the presence of metal on the pop charts. Yeah, it’s stupid and ridiculous and cheesy as hell. However, if my liking of Elton John’s quite adorkable ‘Don’t Go Breaking My Heart’ is any indication, I have a high cheese tolerance.

Higher Love (Steve Winwood) [20; 1; 14 weeks]

As I indicated on the worst list, most of the songs from this year were pretty dull and boring. Most of them consisted of failed slow tempo ballads that didn’t manage to generate any kind of emotional response from me. So, I was more willing to be lenient with songs like this, which were actually energized and upbeat, even if the idea behind it was kind of ridiculous.

R.O.C.K. in the USA (John Cougar Mellencamp)

Now, the 20-year nostalgia rule applied just as much to the ‘80s as it does today. So I guess I should be less surprised than I am to find a ‘60s homage piece like this one nestled comfortably within the list of hits from this year.

Why Can’t This Be Love (Van Halen) [69; 3; 11 weeks]

Some people can make the argument that Van Halen are the best rock band out there. I’m not exactly sure I’m in a position to argue one way or the other. However, I feel like I’d be more inclined to believe them if the rest of their discography is anything like this song. It’s still a bit on the ridiculous side, but I’ll take it.

Change of Heart (Cyndi Lauper) [--; 26; 4 weeks]

I think most people know Cyndi Lauper only for ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun,’ and I personally feel like that’s kind of a shame. Not to say that I think that’s a bad song, but I feel like she has a much greater emotional range than people probably give her credit for. I wouldn’t say this is her best song, but it’s certainly a decent enough showcase of her vocal chops.

Modern Woman (Billy Joel) [--; 10; 9 weeks]

If there’s anything Billy Joel’s really good at it’s his attention to detail. It’s probably for this reason why he’s so good at storytelling in many of his really good songs. I’m curious to see if I encounter more of his songs in the future.

Invisible Touch (Genesis) [54; 1; 12 weeks]

Okay, I don’t know if this song is supposed to be about drugs or an actual person. Honestly, I don’t think I care either way.

And now, it’s time I showed you my true colors as we count down…

…THE TOP 10 BEST HIT SONGS OF 1986!

            #10.

I myself am not a huge fan of horror films. Hell, I’m not much of a fan of the horror genre in general. Be it slasher, thriller or even action horror, the idea of watching something purely for the sake of getting myself scared just doesn’t appeal to me. I mean, I can kind of understand how people would like horror comedy since that can work for me sometimes. But just horror for the sake of being scared, no. That does not do anything for me. Maybe I just didn’t ride enough roller coasters or many other amusement park rides as a kid to be able to understand the appeal of doing something for the sake of getting myself scared, but regardless, I just don’t like horror.

Why do I bring this up when this is clearly meant as a list of music and thus, considering my tastes, shouldn’t have anything to do with the horror genre? Well, as it happens this first song on the list actually does have a relation to a horror film, specifically a black comedy psychological thriller horror film that would be released fourteen years later. It’s a film about a man who lives for the finer things in life, but who is driven to commit terrible acts, such as sexual assault and battery and, yes, murder. Of course, most people probably remember it best for this gem of a scene:              https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvBAEp3Znn4

So yeah, that happened.

#10. Hip To Be Square (Huey Lewis and the News) [--; 3; 11 weeks]

Huey Lewis and the News’s ‘Fore’ album probably was the group’s most accomplished album, being their second to receive five top 10 hit songs, with two of the songs on the album managing to peak at the number one spot on Billboard. This was not one of those two, but as Mr. Bateman was kind enough to point out to us here, this song is probably the biggest masterpiece off of that album.

I admit, I feel like it’s hard for me to really get behind this song’s sentiment. I just feel like encouraging people to conform isn’t something I can really agree with. As someone who has stressed out most of his life wanting to fit in with normal people, I feel like the idea of trying to push people to do so can be poisonous to our culture. Yes, there are positives to conformity; people are more willing to accept you and you have a greater chance of making a favorable impression on people. That said, I feel like with conformity comes the cost of a sense of self and identity. I feel like following the trends the crowds are leaning towards just makes me another face in those crowds.

So then, if I can’t really agree with the message of the song, why did I place it on the list? Well, while I can’t support the message of the song, that doesn’t mean I don’t think Huey does a really good job at selling it. I may not be on the same page as the guy, but he just sounds so excited and enthusiastic about the idea of being, well, as he puts it, ‘square’. Of course, the production definitely helps also, what with the tight, crisp instrumentation. The synthesizers on this song are certainly used better than they were on other songs that came out this year. And of course, the guitars do a wonderful job of driving the song forward and carrying the melody.

I may not be able to support the message of the song, but I can definitely support the song itself. If conformity means making music like this, who am I to turn down the prospect of such? Take it from me folks: it’s hip to be square.

#9.

            Well, my hypocrisy’s complete now.

#9. How Will I Know (Whitney Houston) [6; 1; 16 weeks]

I have gone on record as saying I’m not a huge fan of Whitney Houston, and honestly that’s still true. Her ballads just tended to not be to my particular tastes, either because of the music or because of Whitney’s performance itself. She just tended to over blow her vocals to the point that she overpowered the rest of the song. I’m not trying to say that she was a bad singer by any means. I just feel like her performance could have been better, had a stronger sense of control behind it. There are only a few songs of hers I can get behind and, as you might’ve guessed, this is one of them. Why is that though?

Well, for starters, let’s look at the music. Where most of Whitney Houston’s music was slow and primarily meant to be atmospheric to highlight Whitney’s vocals, in this song, the music is upbeat and serves to help drive the song forward. It doesn’t feel like the music’s being overpowered here; the music actually feels like a major part of the song. Isn’t that what music’s supposed to do after all? I especially love the bass line on this song; it really helps bring the whole thing together.

And that brings us to Whitney herself. While you would probably think that having more powerful music in the song would detract from Whitney’s performance, I think this actually really helps her performance. Her voice honestly feels a lot more natural in songs like this than it does on her big, explosive ballads. And I can really buy into the turmoil she’s selling on this song; she may sound excited, but a sense of confusion and feeling frantic still shines through underneath. It really does sound like she’s torn between whether or not it’s truly love that she’s feeling.

I realize this isn’t the exact image that Whitney normally made of herself based on her usual output, but it’s something I can appreciate from her. Between this song and ‘I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me),’ ’86 and ’87 might have been her peak in terms of quality, though your mileage may vary. So there you have it, I don’t hate Whitney Houston, I don’t think she was a bad artist, I just feel like I would’ve preferred that she make music like this more often than she did.

#8.

Now, I’ve gone on record as stating that I don’t hate religious music. There are religious songs that can work for me. However, it’s not like I don’t understand why people are turned off by the genre. The music tends to be subpar for the most part, and the messages aren’t always things that people can get behind. That doesn’t mean that religious music can’t be good; ‘Sadeness,’ for example, is a demonstration of how religious music can be experimental and interesting, potentially even good as a result. Unfortunately, I feel like a lot of that didn’t tend to crop up in the mainstream and we just wound up with the likes of ‘Place in This World’ by Michael W. Smith or ‘Baby Baby’ by Amy Grant. However, even in terms of vaguely religious songs that still confine themselves to pop music characteristics, it’s still possible for one of these types of songs to turn out good. Don’t believe me? Well, here’s my defense:

#8. Kyrie (Mr. Mister) [9; 1; 13 weeks]

Mr. Mister actually had two big hit songs this year: this one, and the much more somber ‘Broken Wings’. However, where that song basically sounded like the beginning of a song that never got started, ‘Kyrie’ most definitely feels like a complete song. I’m not even a fan of Mr. Mister, but if the rest of their material had been more like this, I think I would feel more inclined to consider becoming one. I realize that this song isn’t really ‘religious’ per se, it’s just another pop song that happens to incorporate two words in Greek that happen to translate to ‘Lord, have mercy’. However, according to Richard Page, the song is basically meant as a prayer. This might tie into the myth about him having written the song while in a hospital bed following an attack on John Lang, however the song doesn’t actually reference the incident and it has been stated that the song and the attack have nothing to do with one another.

So, the message of the song is one thing, but what about the song itself? How does it hold up? Well, all things considered, it’s not a great song. There are still some problems with it. The instrumentation’s kind of messy at points and it’s kind of slow to get started. However, there is one thing about this song that redeems it for me: the chorus. A good chorus can do wonders to salvage what might otherwise have been a subpar or mediocre song, and this one really hits it out of the ballpark in terms of delivering a satisfying payoff after the build-up the first minute and a half spent laying out for the listener. Yeah, normally I wouldn’t have the patience for a song taking that long to actually deliver on its chorus, but trust me folks, this one’s worth the wait.

Honestly, if it hadn’t been for the chorus, this song likely wouldn’t have made the list at all. It wasn’t good enough to rocket the song higher than this on this list, but it was still enough to get it a spot.

#7.

Michael Jackson did not release any songs in 1986. And that is a serious shame because I feel like the year really could have used some MJ in it. I guess he decided he needed to take a brief break after the disastrous ‘We Are the World’ charity song for Africa. Or it just took him a while to finally get that follow up album to ‘Thriller’ finished, not that I blame him for taking that long. Still, it really doesn’t say good things about a year when the king of pop himself decides to take that time to go on hiatus. It’s especially upsetting to consider because of just how lackluster a lot of the music from this year was. The public needed Michael Jackson songs to add some pizzazz, some energy that this year was sorely lacking. But since the king himself was unavailable, they were going to need to find their Michael Jackson music elsewhere. And thankfully, someone stepped up to the plate to deliver.

#7. Nasty (Janet Jackson) [58; 3; 11 weeks]

And boy did she deliver. Janet Jackson’s ‘Control’ album not only served as her poll-vault into the mainstream, with six hit songs spawning from it, it also began establishing her as an artist outside of the shadow of her older brother. Between the four hit songs from that album that charted in 1986, I had quite a few options to choose from, but in the end I decided to go with this one. Not to say that the other songs weren’t good by any means; far from it, they were quite good and were probably some of the better songs to come out that year. However, I just felt like I had an easier time getting into this song than her other songs.

First of all, I’d like to make note of the production. The production duo James ‘Jimmy Jam’ Harris III and Terry Lewis were the ones that handled the production through a Mirage keyboard, which apparently they saw as very unmelodic. However, they were able to build a ‘hard funk’ sound with it, which ultimately resulted in the song inspiring the New Jack Swing era of music. In that sense, this song is basically the anti-‘Disco Duck;’ where that song eventually resulted in the death of its entire genre, ‘Nasty’ gave birth to a completely new style of music entirely. And as a fan of New Jack Swing music and musical innovation in general, I only see this as a good thing.

Of course, production and musical style are only one side of the picture. What about the actual lyrical content? Well, from Janet’s own admission, this song, as well as other songs on her ‘Control’ album, was born out of a sense of self-defense. The song was inspired when she ended up getting stalked by guys on the street that she described as ‘emotionally abusive’ and ‘sexually threatening’. Rather than running for help, she stood her ground and confronted them herself. ‘Nasty’ reflects Janet’s decision to not only take care and control of herself, but how she learned to live in a world that didn’t offer as much protection and develop a tougher attitude. And I completely buy it from her. The main reason I can’t get into songs from the likes of other pop divas that try to pass themselves off as tough girls, like, say, Beyoncé is because a lot of the time it doesn’t feel like it’s coming from somewhere real. Not to mention the personality of the performer tends to be rather harsh and not really something I’d want to get behind. I take no problem hearing Janet talking down about ‘nasty boys’ because it’s clear that she’s not doing it purely for the sake of putting them down as a show of how awesome she is, but to stand up for herself and possibly also encourage others to do the same in such a given situation. And that’s something I can support without any qualms at all.

Janet Jackson: putting bad boys in their place since 1986, and continuing to be awesome even to this day. Better be a gentleman, or you’ll turn her off.

#6.

1986 and 1987 were big years for Genesis. Despite having lost front man Peter Gabriel, the group was only able to achieve significant international success after he left, with these years in particular signifying the peak in the band’s success, with five top ten hit songs off of their ‘Invisible Touch’ album, three of which charted in 1986. While Peter Gabriel was arguably the most artistically interesting member of the group, I actually like the Genesis music created under Phil Collins’s tenure as front man, so I actually like all three songs that charted in ’86. Of course, while that holds true, in the end there was only one song of the three that would be making this list, and there was no question which one it would be. 

#6. Land of Confusion (Genesis) [--; 13; 8 weeks]

Yeah, I know it charted higher in ’87, but it originally charted this year, so I’m counting it. I think it’s nice to know that, even after losing Peter Gabriel, Genesis managed to maintain some level of theatricality to them, even if it was only really present in this one song. I don’t particularly have stronger leanings towards either version of Genesis; I like Peter Gabriel’s more progressive, theatrical presence, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t like the songs they created under Phil Collins.

This song in particular is not only arguably one of the best songs of Genesis under Phil Collins’s tenure as the lead man, but probably also one of the best songs of Phil Collins’s career in general. In terms of music, it just sounds awesome, presenting some of the best production that the ‘80s has to offer. I mean, just listen to the guitar licks that kick in between each stanza of each verse! Not to mention the very frantic melody that helps to drive the song forward. And of course, Phil Collins’s vocals are at their best, perfectly matching the tone of uncertainty and, well, confusion that the song is trying to set.

As for the lyrics, they speak of a world in utter chaos. They accentuate the idea of a world that’s lost all control, where too many people are generating more problems than the world can handle. There’s a sense of struggle to overcome the various challenges that plague the world today, to make this world a place that’s actually worth something to the people that inhabit it. But with so much to overcome and so little people actually seem to care, it just raises the question of whether such a struggle can be overcome, or if it’s even worth trying. The bridge of the song seems to reflect on when times were better, when life actually felt like it meant something, only to swing into the final verse, where the narrator desperately tries to reassure the listener that they’ll make things right, that they’re not just saying they’ll do things they can’t ever hope to accomplish.

For all I went on about how boring the year was, mostly because it was dominated by slow, dull, soft music, I guess it’s actually kind of fitting that one of the best songs of the year should come from the soft rock genre. However, it wasn’t the best rock song to come out this year; there are still others to be seen on this list. On that note…

#5.

I’ve heard the ‘80s described as ‘where rock ‘n roll went to die.’ However, I would argue that that’s not entirely true; the 2000s were where rock ‘n roll went to die. Not a lot of good rock music came out of the 2000s, and even with the stuff that wasn’t bad, not a lot of it was memorable or interesting, but the ‘80s? Plenty of decent rock music came out during this decade. You just need to know where to look. For example…

#5. Walk of Life (Dire Straits) [49; 7; 9 weeks]

Much like with Genesis, the mid-‘80s were a pretty good period for Dire Straits, with their ‘Brothers in Arms’ album managing three top 20 hits, two of which cracked the top 10. The first was the song most people tend to actually remember from them, ‘Money for Nothing,’ a fantastic song that any classic rock fan should listen to if you get the chance. And their other top 10 hit from that album was this song, one that kind of contrasts a bit with their usual work in that it’s a lot more upbeat than their music tended to be. That’s not a stab against Dire Straits’s work though; their music is awesome, and I’d highly recommend it.

I guess I have something of a soft spot for a good throwback song. And since I mentioned ‘R.O.C.K. in the USA’ earlier on this list, I guess it’s only fitting that I mention this song now. Where that song made numerous references to music of the ‘60s, this song in contrast references music from the mid-to-late ‘50s, such as Ray Charles’s ‘I Got a Woman’ and ‘Be-Bop-A-Lula’ by Gene Vincent and His Blue Caps. It also references the song ‘Mack the Knife,’ though that was originally performed in the late ‘20s. So, I’m guessing this song’s referring to the version performed by Bobby Darin, which went on to be a number one hit in the US and the UK in 1959. And if I just had this song to go off of, I’d say that ‘50s music is definitely something I’m looking forward to checking out in the future. Okay, maybe it isn’t a perfect reference to ‘50s music, since it still does use a synthesizer organ patch for the main melody line, but I’m willing to forgive the song for that because the melody is just so enjoyable. It’s upbeat, lighthearted tone helps make the song seem more laid back, and Mark Knopfler’s vocals on top of that help give it a more relaxed feel.

I just feel really at ease listening to this song. It’s the kind of song I could imagine playing to clear my head and just feel happy for a while. It certainly does a better job at sounding upbeat and joyous than a lot of the other songs that came out this year, including some that were supposed to be upbeat and joyous. In a year mostly populated by dull, lifeless ballads, this was certainly a breath a fresh air.

#4.

The ‘70s were a really good decade for funk music; the ‘80s, not so much. There wasn’t really a lot of music that came out during this year that I would be able to reasonably describe as ‘funk.’ And even with the songs that were inclined towards that genre, there weren’t a lot of good funk artists around at the time. I mean, what do you want me to list on here? ‘Party All the Time’ by Eddie Murphy? ‘Dancing on the Ceiling’ by Lionel Richie? Yeah, no; not happening.

So, with a year this devoid of decent funk music, a year that’s so stiff and lifeless that you wouldn’t think you could find any kind of funk music, it seems almost bizarre that the world would find itself introduced to probably one of the funkiest songs of the ‘80s, and certainly one of the funkiest song of the year.

#4. Word Up! (Cameo) [68; 6; 14 weeks]

Cameo really are an unfortunate group, in that they were a funk band that started out right around the time that disco had started its decline in the public’s favor. They saw a lot of success on the Billboard R&B charts, despite the group’s frontman Larry Blackmon really disliking the idea of his group being called a funk or R&B group. However, as far as mainstream success went, this was their only song to crack the top ten, or even the top twenty, and it’s not hard to see why. That’s not to say that the rest of their work wasn’t as good, but as one critic once said, the reason this song charted wasn’t because Cameo were only briefly hip to trends, but because trends were only briefly hip to them.

So, let’s start by talking about the music. In contrast to other funk songs from this year, this one actually has more looseness and energy to it that makes it a lot more fun to listen to. I mean, just listen to the synthesizers and the rocking guitar line; it all just blends together seamlessly. In fact, I’m not even sure that ‘funk’ is even the right word to describe their music, honestly; I mean, there are some rock elements in this song too. Also, Blackmon’s vocals on this song give off a sense of shamelessness that I can honestly completely get behind because his delivery is just that good. You can tell that he doesn’t care what the listener thinks about his performance, and that’s something I can greatly respect.

Okay, that’s the music, but what about the lyrics? Well, they seem to talk about people getting together to party, though with the phrase ‘it’s the code word,’ there seems to be a suggestion that it’s limited to a select group of people, those who would know said code word. Then again, considering the word in question is ‘word,’ that doesn’t exactly do much to make this particular dance more exclusive. Then there’s the second verse, which seems to be telling ‘sucker DJ’s’ that try to act cool and put on airs to come across as fly that all they’re really accomplishing is embarrassing themselves. Yeah, I’m not sure who that’s directed at specifically, but considering the second half of the verse, it might be directed at performers that make music that has too much thought put into it, I mean, if the ‘psychological romance’ line is any indication. So, it’s basically a message saying, “Don’t over think how you put together your music; if we can dance to it, it’s fine.” I’m not sure how I feel about a message like that. Then again though, when I think about some of the dance music we hear nowadays, which tries really hard to be emotionally evocative while being fun to dance to, yet ultimately failing at both, I think I can see where Blackmon’s coming from.

So, ultimately I guess the lyrics aren’t all that significant in this song. Regardless, it’s still very finely put together, and a nice presentation of ‘80s funk at its finest. Word up!

#3.

I honestly feel really bad about the fact that there aren’t more female led acts on these lists. I guess I just don’t feel all that strongly about a lot of the female performers that appeared in the years I’ve covered so far. It’s nothing to do with the gender of the performers; I just didn’t happen to see a lot of songs that stood out from a lot of performers that happened to be female. And even with the ones that did stand out from this year specifically, not a lot of them were all that good. There were, of course exceptions to this: Cyndi Lauper, Janet Jackson, Whitney Houston to some extent, and, of course, the queen of pop herself: Madonna.

#3. Papa Don’t Preach (Madonna) [29; 1; 13 weeks]

I don’t know if people actually remember this, but there was once a time where Madonna was actually famous because of her music rather than her status as the queen of pop. In my honest opinion, her peak in terms of consistent quality was during the ‘80s. I actually liked the singles off of her first four albums, and of the hits she accumulated in this year, this one is my personal favorite. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like Madonna was generally at her best when she was putting herself in a position of vulnerability. That’s why I can’t really buy into songs like ‘Justify My Love,’ where the entire point of the song is to shock the audience without actually having anything of interest to present outside of that. On the other hand, songs like ‘Like a Virgin,’ ‘Like a Prayer,’ ‘Open Your Heart,’ ‘La Isla Bonita,’ these songs are ones I feel a lot more inclined to like. And if there’s a song that does a really good job at accentuating all of Madonna’s best elements as a singer, it’s probably this one.

I think it’s kind of funny that I criticized Madonna’s ‘Justify My Love’ for her having contributed very little to the song’s writing when she also contributed minimal writing to this song also. Brian Elliot handled most of the writing for ‘Papa Don’t Preach,’ with Madonna contributing minor lyrical contributions. However, despite this, Madonna is able to sell the song and make it her own, something she was definitely not able to pull off on ‘Justify My Love.’ It also helped that Madonna was actually drawing some inspiration from real emotions for this song, specifically her interest in her Roman Catholic upbringing and her interest in standing up to male authority figures. Of course, the song’s framing also helps, placing the narrator in a difficult position where she wants her father’s support on an important decision, in this case the suggestion that the singer is pregnant and choosing not to abort the pregnancy or give the child up for adoption. Of course, the song sparked some controversy regarding the lyrics, which seemed to encourage teen pregnancy, and even with Madonna dedicating it to Pope John Paul II, who, in response, urged Italian fans to boycott her concerts during her Who’s That Girl World Tour in 1987. I think it might be a bit more complicated than that, but even if it is pro-teen pregnancy, I still like the song just because of Madonna’s delivery.

As for the music, the song is built around a Spanish-inspired rhythm, making it one of the earliest examples of how Madonna’s musical style took inspiration from Hispanic music. And I admit, this might have been the main reason I included this song on the list, because the music to this is just beautiful. It starts with a Vivaldian style intro, with a fast tempo and classical style chord progression reminiscent of Baroque period work that eventually leads into the dance-pop section, with acoustic, electric and rhythm guitars, keyboards and strings driving the whole thing forward. I think the intro might be my favorite part of the song, not to say that the rest of the song doesn’t hold its own on top of this.

It really is a shame that Madonna’s fame wound up going to her head about five years later. Yeah, some of her ’90s music was still decent, but she was nowhere near as consistently good as she was in the ‘80s, and hasn’t been since really. It’s no surprise why so many modern artists took inspiration from her work during this period of her career. Still, even if all of her work since this song’s release had completely sucked, I would still say this is worth a listen. It’s an excellent showcase of what Madonna’s capable of when she actually tries. I’ve made up my mind: I’m keeping my ‘80s Madonna music.

#2.

There are a number of important figures in rock ‘n roll that I’m looking forward to potentially discussing on this show at some point: the Beatles, the Beach Boys, the Who, the Rolling Stones, Simon and Garfunkel to some extent, Elvis Presley, preferably with the guy actually appearing on a best list. I’ll likely get the opportunity to examine at least some of these acts once I actually get into the ‘60s, which I plan on doing soon. However, if there’s one act that I would definitely look forward to tackling, it would have to be Jimi Hendrix.

Yeah, he might not have had much success on the Billboard hot 100, with only one song of his cracking the top twenty, but Hendrix was, and remains to this day, a rock ‘n roll legend. In fact, Jimi Hendrix was such an amazing musical act that he even managed to cause good music to be created indirectly as well as making it himself. See, in the late ‘60s, he became friends with guitarist Billy Gibbons, whose band, The Moving Sidwalks, gained prominence from opening for The Jimi Hendrix Experience during Hendrix’s first American tour. In fact, there have been longstanding rumors that Jimi Hendrix gave Mr. Gibbons the pink Stratocaster he’d been playing as a token of his appreciation for his talent, and even called him one of the best guitarists in the US. Anyway, after two of the Moving Sidewalks’s members were drafted into the US army, Gibbons recruited other artists to form a new band, one that would be best known for their blues and boogie-inspired hard rock awesomeness…and for sporting a wicked set of beards.

#2. Sleeping Bag (ZZ Top) [80; 12; 4 weeks]

Yes, I know this song originally charted in 1985 and charted higher that year. However, much like with ‘Freedom ’90,’ 1986 was the year to actually have the song appear on its year-end Hot 100 list, so I’m counting it. Anyway, ZZ Top’s level of commercial success on the Billboard Hot 100 pretty much stops after 1986, which is a shame because they were certainly a lot more interesting than what a lot of other bands were doing. I mean, can you think of any bands that rocked nearly as hard as ZZ Top did in 1986…that actually appeared on the pop charts?  For the mainstream music buying public, this was the hardest that rock music got this year.

On a lyrical level, there really isn’t a lot to this song. From my understanding, it’s basically just a song about sex. If the fact that the chorus basically just consists of the line ‘Slip inside my sleeping bag’ isn’t any indication of this, I don’t know what is. However, I do have some confusion about the decision during the third verse to suddenly bring up Egyptian imagery. I mean, when I think of a song about getting it on, mummies and pyramids aren’t exactly what spring to mind, for me at least. Out of curiosity, I decided to look into the meaning of the lyrics to the song, and according to an interview with Billy Gibbons in 1985, the imagery was inspired by the fact that he owned a sleeping bag that looked like a mummy case. Kind of an odd source of inspiration, but then again, with a song called ‘Sleeping Bag,’ I guess it’s not exactly screaming for deep lyrical analysis. Although, I do note that the song specifically describes the act of making love in a sleeping bag as a form of shelter from outside ailments like the cold and the dark. Regardless, in terms of sex songs, I feel like ZZ Top were actually able to pull it off better than a lot of other acts that released similar songs this year.

Of course, the lyrics aren’t what put this song on the list; it’s the music. As far as ‘80s production goes, this is a grand example of how it could be done well despite the limitations of the time. It’s not the best example of ‘80s production at its finest to appear this year, but we’ll be getting to that soon enough. Everything about the music to this song feels retro in all the right ways. The guitars and synthesizers do a great job with setting the tone for the song and the drums really do a nice job keeping the song moving forward. And, of course, Gibbons’s vocals blend with the music perfectly.

It’s no surprise that, not just this song, but this album were ZZ Top’s peak in terms of commercial success. Compared to their earlier work, the music off of their ‘Afterburner’ album just sounds a lot more polished than some of their previous work. That’s not a knock against the album; I liked all the songs I heard from that album. And of course, at the center of it all is this song, which is easily the best rock song to chart in ’86. It’s a place of sanctuary I’m happy to return to again and again.

#1.

Now, I admit, back on my previous list, I was probably a bit harsh on artists that ultimately decided to leave the bands they were with and start solo careers. I mean, it’s generally not an easy decision for artists to make a change such as that. Even Peter Cetera’s decision to leave Chicago was a pretty difficult choice for him to make and involved a serious clash of interests between him and the band. Granted, some artists are able to maintain their connections with their previous band while also managing their solo careers, but that probably requires a lot of energy and focus on the part of the artist. Phil Collins and the other members of Genesis were able to pull it off with their solo careers, but not a lot of other artists are so lucky: George Michael, Michael Jackson, Justin Timberlake, Joan Jett. And as I said previously, when an artist starts a solo career it can also be difficult because the artist may now be working without the support of their other band mates. This isn’t always the case; some artists still stay in touch with their other band mates and still work with them on songs, but this isn’t always the case. In such a case, the artist has to work without all of their bases covered; not every artist is capable of covering every element of a song.

However, that doesn’t mean that good music can’t still be had from an artist going solo. After all, Michael Jackson, for example, was able to achieve his greatest commercial successes through his solo career, ultimately resulting in him becoming immortalized as the king of pop. As another example, George Michael was able to make some of his most personal and best music after Wham! split up. And that brings us to the artist that would go on to release the song that became my number one pick for this list. His decision to split up from his band was certainly a difficult one to make, but honestly considering it eventually led to him releasing this song, I have no objections whatsoever. So, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I present to you…former Genesis front man Peter Gabriel.

#1. Sledgehammer (Peter Gabriel) [23; 1; 14 weeks]

I don’t think people give Peter Gabriel enough credit as an artist, which is a real shame because the man is really talented. Some people lean more towards Genesis’s music under Peter Gabriel’s tenure as the front man over that which was released when Phil Collins led the group. However, I personally feel like it’s like comparing apples to oranges. Neither is inherently ‘better’ or ‘worse’ than the other; I’ll take either version myself. Though, personally, I think I’d take his solo work over his work with Genesis. It just feels like, once he went solo, he was more able to express his theatricality and musical prowess. That’s not to say the rest of Genesis was holding him back; I just feel like his solo work had a bit more of his personality in it.

Interestingly enough, this song actually has a few things in common with ‘Sleeping Bag’. For example, with this song the production is the real star of the show. This is probably the most technically impressive song to chart this year. Once again, we’re looking at a song that took inspiration from music from the ‘60s, specifically ‘60s soul music, particularly that made by Memphis label Stax. One of Stax’s house musicians, Wayne Jackson of the Memphis Horns, even led the horn section in this song. And, of course, there’s the synthesized flute part, which definitely helps add a distinct sound to the song, makes it stand out. I’m growing steadily more excited about the prospect of looking into ‘60s music, considering it inspired this song.

Of course, the other thing this song has in common is the subject matter and tone. Yeah, it’s another song about sex. I don’t think ‘I wanna be your sledgehammer’ requires a lot of thought to consider the meaning behind it. If what I’ve been told is accurate, ‘80s music was not exactly known for subtlety. However unlike ‘Sleeping Bag,’ I don’t think the subject matter is supposed to be the primary focus of the song. Just listen to it; he peppers the song with numerous bizarre innuendos that are kind of confusing. I mean, he describes himself as a steam train, an airplane, a ‘big dipper’ and a bumper car. I can’t say I’ve ever thought of a bumper car as something to be sexualized. But really, the strangeness of the song is its main selling point. It’s not trying to win you over with sexually appealing imagery; it’s trying to be as bizarre as possible and win you over with just how ‘out there’ it is. And, honestly, I think it nails it.

I think it’s kind of funny that, after not really seeing any success on the hot 100 through Genesis, both Peter Gabriel and the band would start seeing greater commercial success after he left, with both actually managing to achieve success in America some time after his departure. This song accentuates what Peter Gabriel does best: expressing himself in his own theatrical manner. In my opinion, Peter Gabriel is one of the most underrated artists of the 1980s. I realize that this likely isn’t going to do anything to change that, so instead, I’ll settle for closing by giving this song the acclaim it deserves: the best hit song of 1986.  

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 1986

Ah, the 1980s! What can you say about the ‘80s?

            …What can I say about the ‘80s? I mean, the ‘80s were kind of a big deal for a while, but now people seem to have lost interest in favor of the ‘90s and the ‘70s, as per the 20 and 40-year rules of nostalgia. Sure, there are plenty of great artists that saw their biggest periods of success in the ‘80s; Prince, Michael Jackson, Madonna, David Bowie, George Michael. These would be the artists that would go on to represent all that this decade got right, all the places in which this decade would be remembered with fondness!

            Sadly, we’re not going to be seeing a lot of that for this list. See for this list we’re delving into the mid to late ‘80s, which did have some bits of positivity to them, but for the most part had basically exhausted their enthusiasm and devolved into a curdled mixture of bad soft rock and bad synth pop. I’ll be honest folks, this was a hard year for me to sit though, not even because of whether or not it was a bad year, but because it was just a difficult year to review. The ‘80s are already foreign territory to me, seeing as I was born in the ’90s and was raised by parents that completely despised the music from this decade. However, while I did get snippets of the good ’80s music that most people inevitably got exposed to a few years ago, I don’t really have a feel for some of what the late ‘80s had to offer. Probably for the first time putting these lists together, I actually had more trouble putting the worst list together just because most of the music from this year was too bland and lacking any distinguishingly bad enough features to be worth hating. I found plenty of songs I liked, few I genuinely hated and just a metric ton of others that I just couldn’t really care for one way or the other.

            However, this was the year I was asked to review, so this is what I have to work with. Besides, I figured this would be a good test of my skills as a critic, so goddamn if I’m going to back down from a challenge like this. Just a warning though folks, most of the worst songs from this year aren’t interestingly bad like they’ve been on my previous lists. No, the crap we have to sift through this time around is mostly just blandly awful, with only a couple songs actually having something worthy of actual contempt. What I guess this means is that, for most of my picks on this list, my attempts to list qualities that make these songs suck will pretty much just be grasping at straws trying to get a feel for why a song doesn’t work for me. However, make no mistake; all of the songs I’m going to be listing here are awful.

            Speaking of which, I’d say it’s about time to delve into our dishonorable mentions:

I’ll Be Over You (Toto) [99; 11; 12 weeks]

            Firing long time lead vocalist Bobby Kimball was a big mistake for Toto. They apparently tried to maintain some level of buoyancy on the pop charts by hitching onto the soft rock bandwagon. The problem with that was that the majority of music from this particular bandwagon wasn’t very good. And coming from the band that gave us ‘Hold the Line,’ ‘Rosanna’ and ‘Africa,’ this is a serious disappointment.

Earth Angel (New Edition) [--; 21; 6 weeks]

            Not much to say about this one besides the fact that it’s a shoddy cover and the lead singer’s vocals sound incredibly uncomfortable. It sounds like it’s being sung by a little kid, not even just a teenager; a child. And what’s especially disappointing is that I know New Edition are capable of making decent music. This though, this is just a nauseating bore.

Two of Hearts (Stacey Q) [51; 3; 13 weeks]

Can someone please tell me what part of the ‘80s thought that annoyingly stuttered lyrics were a good idea, so that I may find it, dig it up and burn it? Also, who’s idea was it to give this Stacy Q girl a singing career? Her voice is way too weak to be pulling off this kind of music. So, I guess it only makes sense why they would need to tone down everything else in the mix just so she doesn’t get overpowered.

The Sweetest Taboo (Sade) [55; 5; 13 weeks]

And here’s yet another song by a singer with a singing voice way too weak to actually pull it off. Also, this is a minor nitpick, but how is this guy she’s singing about a ‘taboo’? That would suggest that she’s forbidden from loving him, but nothing in the song seems to suggest that such is the case outside of that one line.

The Next Time I Fall (Peter Cetera & Amy Grant) [--; 1; 13 weeks]

Boring.

Friends and Lovers (Gloria Loring and Carl Anderson) [13; 2; 14 weeks]

Boring.

Love is Forever (Billy Ocean) [--; 16; 8 weeks]

Really boring.

Shake You Down (Gregory Abbott) [--; 4; 9 weeks]

Beginning to notice a pattern yet?

Oh People (Patti LaBelle) [--; 29; 3 weeks]

Here’s just another dull anthem preaching for world peace. The only way this one stands out is how annoyingly condescending the whole thing is. Basically the message is, “If everyone would just stop hating and love one another, all the problems in the world would go away and we’d all live happily! Oh, and also buy the song and spread the word around so it’ll happen faster.” If this had been an actual hit, trust me, it definitely would’ve made the cut.

            On the topic of what actually did make the cut though, it’s time for me to give you what you need, folks. This is…

…THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF 1986!

            #10.

            One major trend that was popular around this period of the ‘80s was the soft, romantic ballad song. I’ve said my bit about this type of song more than a few times, and by now have made it quite clear that I don’t care much for the genre. Soft, slow songs don’t really work when being used for love songs because the emotions expressed or the methods in which they’re delivered are too lightweight. They can easily come across more dour and joyless than anything, failing to convey any kind of discernable emotion of note. This is part of the reason Lionel Richie’s music is so easy to dislike; not only does it lack any kind of passion or energy to it, but he doesn’t convey enough emotional investment in the song to set any kind of tone for the audience to connect with. But if there’s anything worse than a dopey love ballad by Lionel Richie, it’s a dopey love ballad by a Lionel Richie wannabe.

#10. There’ll Be Sad Songs (To Make You Cry) (Billy Ocean) [16; 1; 14 weeks]

Billy Ocean was a former disco performer that cropped up right around the point when disco was beginning its decline in the mainstream, and apparently didn’t really do a great job transitioning out of it once the genre died at the end of the ‘70s. However, much like what Keith Sweat would go on to do after him, he realized he could delay his career’s death by just jotting out dull songs about love and romance and manage major success that way. I wouldn’t say that Billy Ocean was a terrible artist; he had a decent singing voice and some level of personality. Hell, I actually didn’t mind his other really big hit from 1986, ‘When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going’. However, he was plagued by a very serious problem: all of his music sounds the same. Your mileage may vary naturally, but for me all his music sounded incredibly interchangeable, and that only became even truer once he switched over to performing slow tempo, romantic ballads.

And that brings us to his other big hit from 1986, ‘There’ll Be Sad Songs (To Make You Cry).’ I guess he really felt a strong need to give his songs needlessly lengthy titles this year. Anyway, this song is basically the polar opposite of ‘When the Going Gets Rough;’ where that song was jubilant and upbeat, ‘There’ll Be Sad Songs’ is just an unfocused mess of random sad song elements trying desperately to warrant an emotional reaction from its audience. It has a soft, fuzzy sounding, electronic keyboard opening, said keyboard serving to drive the song forward. It has lyrics about heartache and sadness, talking about love songs and fires burning and two hearts beating in perfect harmony and various other love song clichés. And then the drums kick in as it gets to the chorus, with strings coming in during the final chorus to really drive the emotionally manipulative point home.

Honestly, if the song’s trying to prove a point, I’m not sure what that point’s supposed to be. Sad songs always make you cry? Love songs often make you cry? Neither of those are necessarily true. Plenty of love songs are written to be happy and jubilant. This, however, is trying to pass itself off as both a sad song and a love song, but it fails at both because it fails to capture any kind of emotional response. To put it bluntly, just because a song tells you that it’s sad and that you’re supposed to feel sad about what the performer is singing about, that by itself isn’t going to get the listener to find sympathy in the song. If a song wants to create an emotional reaction, it needs the right elements in place, set the right atmosphere to make that happen, and this song clearly does not.

#9.

As you might have guessed by now, most of the songs on this list are here because I found them boring. I honestly didn’t even realize until I started working on this year that I could find a song boring enough to be worth hating. However, that doesn’t mean that a few noteworthy flavors of stupid didn’t crop up now and then.

#9. The Rain (Oran “Juice” Jones) [--; 9; 9 weeks]

Dear God, where do I begin with this one?

…Well, I guess I could start with the name. I realize that there have been much stupider, much more ridiculous stage names that pop stars have used, even in the ‘80s, but seriously? ‘Juice’? Who does he think he is, the bully from ‘Garbage Pail Kids: the Movie’? Yeah, a film universally reviled and in the running for one of the worst films ever created! That’s what you want people to think of when they see your stage name!

I guess with a name like that I shouldn’t be surprised that the song he produced is something this juvenile. The music’s already dull and forgettable, doing nothing to set any kind of tone or mood. However, with Mr. Jones’s bland, monotonous performance, it only becomes even less interesting to listen to. The guy sounds like he’s reading things off of a grocery list. And the lyrics seriously do not help matters. For the chorus, you’ve got this: “I saw you (and him) walking in the rain / You were holding hands and I’ll never be the same.” You know, he won’t ever be the same, as opposed to seeing you hold hands with someone and not changing in the slightest. Considering the song’s entirely about the singer having caught the subject of the song cheating on him, there’s actually very little to implicate the person in question. Oh, she was holding hands with someone! And? Not to mention the fact that the narrator later reveals that he was following the woman in question to discover this doesn’t exactly paint him in the best light either.
            The verses don’t really fair much better. The first verse is basically about how he couldn’t sleep and felt insecure about his relationship with the woman in question, and decided to drive out and happened to witness her holding hands with someone. He doesn’t say the where, when or why regarding his drive; just that it wasn’t far. The second verse has the whole ‘you’re begging me not to leave you, to give you another chance’ scenario that many breakup songs present, particularly when it’s the lady in the relationship that was cheating, then has him concluding, “Girl I love you and I always will / But darling right now I’ve got to say goodbye”. Really? That’s the best you could come up with? “Oh, baby, I want to give our love another chance, but not right now. I need to say ‘goodbye’ right now; I’ve got errands to run.” Way to fail at adding any kind of emotional heft or weight to your putting this girl down, dude. Also, if you ‘love her and always will,’ you’re clearly not showing much emotional turmoil over this decision.

Of course, these are ultimately minor nitpicks and aren’t the real reasons why this song made the list. No, if you want to know how to truly fail at writing a convincing breakup song, we need to fast-forward all the way to the end of the song, which is taken up by, I kid you not, a two-minute spoken word bridge that is probably one of the lamest things ever put to radio. For starters, during this section he tries so hard to pass himself off as a tough guy and the bigger man by revealing that he stalked her and saying ‘you cold busted’. He even says that he was tempted to murder the both of them without any grounds that she was actually cheating on him, with the only reason he didn’t being that he didn’t want to get blood on his flashy coat. For starters, what kind of person just out and admits to his girlfriend that he was considering killing her? For that matter, why would he say to her face that he was stalking her? And what reason would his girlfriend have to actually listen to him when he tells her to shut her mouth? I feel like the natural reaction would be to call him out on the fact that he followed her. Then he reveals that he took out all her money from her bank accounts, cancelled all of her credit cards and took all the jewelry he ever bought her, then took everything of hers out of the apartment, packed it up and left it in the guest room. Again, who just flat out says all this to the face of their girlfriend, even if she did cheat on them? And then he goes on about how he bought her numerous expensive, fancy things and feels like she is obligated to be faithful to him because of it, and that he’s this high class person and she’s worth less than the dirt on his shoes and what have you. Oh, and also random ‘Silly rabbit, tricks are made for kids’ reference, because reasons. It is the most ridiculously phony-sounding put down I have ever heard. In fact, I’ll go out on a limb and say that that’s not actually what happened. What I think happened is that he wanted to call her out on cheating on him but got cold feet before promptly getting dumped by her, and then he started writing up this entire monologue later as a pathetic fantasy about how he wished it had gone down.

Yeah, I know it’s only the last half of the song, but tell me that it doesn’t make the entire rest of the song just sound pathetic in hindsight. In fact, this song even spawned three other songs written in response to it, all three of which serve to expose just how phony and pathetic this song is. Also, I guess it’s only fitting that ‘Juice’ never saw any further success after this song, and ultimately quit his music career after his second and third albums went nowhere; I guess the ‘Juice’ went sour pretty quickly. Doesn’t stop ‘The Rain’ from sucking though. Next!

#8.

            I admit, I don’t really pay much attention to song remixes. I tend to feel like a song should be able to stand on its own two feet without having to be remixed to salvage it. From my experience, when a song gets remixed, it’s generally for the worse. Of course, when the song’s already pretty crappy to begin with it’s not like there’s anything to salvage by remixing it. Case in point…

#8. I Can’t Wait (Remix) (Nu Shooz) [26; 3; 15 weeks]

Part of the reason I can’t really get into remixes is that they tend to add unnecessary effects to the song like fuzzy electronic portions that only serve to make the song sound atonal. The thing is, even before it was remixed, ‘I Can’t Wait’ already had rather unpleasant production work. The remix doesn’t have any kind of improvements or anything done, save for some brass parts here and there. The problem, however, comes from the fact that half the time I can’t make out the lyrics to the song. Of course, part of that’s just because of the poor production, but the other comes from the fact that the singer’s vocals sound like they were recorded with a cheap recording program of some sort. This is a problem both on the original version of the song and on the remix.

Of course, surely the song can be salvaged if its lyrics are good enough to make up for the crappy production, right? Well, see that’s the thing; even when you can make out the lyrics, they don’t make any sense. The main lyric that comes up in the song is the line ‘I Can’t Wait,’ but then that just brings up questions. What is she waiting for exactly? Is her lover making her wait for something from him? If so what? Why does she have to wait for it? Of course, even when you actually look up the lyrics, they don’t seem to be about anything in particular. The singer goes on about how she wants to know what’s on her lover’s mind, how she’ll always love him, even when he doesn’t put forth any effort, that she wants him to give something that she can’t live without, and that she can’t wait for various little interactions between the two of them, either over the telephone, through her love walking through the door, or when they’re alone. There just doesn’t seem to be any sense of cohesion in this song; it feels unfocused. None of the lines connect with each other, and none of the individual parts make enough sense or have enough strength to carry the song by themselves.

Of course, after this song fell from the charts, Nu Shooz wouldn’t really be able to achieve the same level of success, so they disappeared and were never heard from again. Moving on!

#7.

#7. Point of No Return (Nu Shooz) [--; 28; 8 weeks]

…Nevermind.

Okay, say what you want about ‘I Can’t Wait;’ at least that song kept the obnoxiousness of its production confined to a few areas and had some moments that almost redeemed its shoddiness. The same can most definitely not be said of ‘Point of No Return,’ where the crappy production is front and center, slathered all over the song like if someone used feces-filled toilet water to set the background for what might’ve otherwise been a respectable painting. The percussive sections that kick in, particularly for the final verse and at the end of the song, sound and feel like I’m getting stabbed repeatedly with a sword. And also, while the vocals for ‘I Can’t Wait’ weren’t exactly stellar, they were at least able to carry a melody and didn’t grate on my nerves. The vocals for ‘Point of No Return’ are like nails on a chalkboard. Even the harmonized sections don’t feel like they’re adding anything to the song, save to spare me from the unpleasant glissed notes that happen at the end of each line in each of the verses.

The tone of the song’s not very good either. The song’s apparently about how the singer has fallen for someone and how awesome she feels about having fallen for the person, but at no point does this feel like a love song, or even just a giddy, happy song about being in love. More than anything, this sounds like a children’s song; a really, really crappy children’s song that I wouldn’t wish to submit any child to except maybe as punishment. I mean, listen to it; nothing about it warrants being taken seriously, the tone’s too light and thin to actually warrant a tangible emotional reaction; it just doesn’t sound like a song written for adults. Hell, even the melody of the song sounds cheap, uncreative and sing-song-y.

It’s not even like the rest of Nu Shooz’s discography was much better either. That said, of the songs of theirs I’ve actually heard, ‘Point of No Return’ is by far their worst. Compared to their other songs, it’s just the most juvenile, the cheapest sounding, and the one with the most grating vocals. The only good thing I can think of to say about this song is that there are still six songs on this list that are worse than it. With that said…

#6.

Now, I’m not one to rag on message songs. If a bad song is written with a positive message in mind, it’s not a knock against the message being presented when I say that the song sucks; it’s just an indication that the best quality was not brought to the table when trying to showcase its message. If a song speaks to you because it has a positive message, far be it from me to criticize you for your moral standing regarding that message. However, as I’ve said before, I am an honest person, and as such I only think it right for me to be honest about my opinion as well. So when a song with a positive message in it turns out to be crap, I feel like it’s only fair to acknowledge it as such.

#6. We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off (Jermaine Stewart) [60; 5; 13 weeks]

Now, in hindsight, this song is kind of tragic, since the performer, Jermaine Stewart, would go on to die from AIDS-related liver cancer eleven years later. And it’s not like the song’s message is even a bad one. It’s okay to take your time in a relationship and not go straight to sex. Sometimes it’s better to get to know the person first and take your time. It gives you the chance to learn about the person you’re committing yourself to. And besides, it can be fun to take your time with a relationship. The person you’re hooking up with can turn out to have similar interests as you, and even if it doesn’t work out between the two of you, you could still become good friends anyway.

So, if I have all these positive things to say about the message of the song, why did I still place it on the list? Well, there’re a few minor issues I have with the song. For starters, the music’s not particularly interesting, just bland, generic ‘80s party song music, and oh God that electronic piano… The lyrics aren’t much to write home about either. They just don’t do a good job painting the idea of taking it slow as all that appealing. However, the biggest problem comes from Jermaine Stewart himself. Simply put, his voice on this song sounds terrible. I can’t exactly put my finger on what my main issue is; I don’t have a natural aversion to male performers with higher pitched vocals. And I don’t even have this specific problem on any of Stewart’s other songs either; on all of those songs, he sounds fine. So then what’s my issue with Stewart’s voice on this song specifically? Well I guess it might be this: something about it is just whiny and annoying to me. He doesn’t sound like someone you’d want to get it on with; he sounds like a teenager trying to whine his way into your heart. And it’s not just in the pitch; it’s the way he annunciates his words, or rather how he doesn’t. His words just sound like they slur into one another clumsily and haphazardly.

Jermaine Stewart actually did manage another top 40 hit song in 1987, but after that he wouldn’t really see any major success. And then he’d pass away ten years after that. It really is a shame that this song isn’t better than it is, because I do support its message on paper. In execution, however, I just can’t get behind this.

#5.

           

            Now, back on my best of 1976 list, I talked about how George Clinton never really saw any further success beyond Parliament’s very successful, and ridiculously good ‘Give Up the Funk.’ And while that’s true, that didn’t mean that the other artists that were part of Parliament-Funkadelic weren’t still able to find success in their own right. Of course, in some cases, maybe it would’ve been better if they hadn’t.

#5. Let’s Go All the Way (Sly Fox) [45; 7; 14 weeks]

Sly Fox were an ‘80s dance pop duo consisting of Puerto Rican vocalist Michael Camacho and American funk session musician and former Parliament-Funkadelic vocalist Gary ‘Mudbone’ Cooper. Not that you’d know that he’d have such a background listening to this song, which is like having wrecking balls banging inside your skull. I’ll be honest, that obnoxiously aggressive beat more than anything else is what put this song on the list, not that the rest of the song makes up for it.

Of course, there’s also the lyrics, which seem to be completely nonsensical. I mean, there seems to be an overarching theme of the issues in the world today. This is suggested by lyrics such as, “Presidential party / No one wants to dance,” “Workin’ in a factory / Eight days a week,” “Rich man poor man / Livin’ in fantasy,” “Livin’ in New York / Looks like an apple core” and “California dreamers / Sinkin’ in the sand.” On the surface, these sound like they’re talking about real problems in the world and trying to draw attention to our flawed society. However, it doesn’t actually elaborate on any of those statements in any way. It just kind of checks them off like items on a grocery list. And then it lets loose on the chorus with a bizarrely sexual sounding lyric repeated over and over again, that has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the song. As I said before, I have nothing against message songs, so long as the message is something I can get behind. I don’t have any idea what this song’s trying to convey with its message though. It just sounds like something that someone would use to try and brainwash children into joining the army or something. I can’t be the only one that thinks that, can I?

The rest of their singles didn’t really seem much better, so I’m not all that heartbroken about the fact that these guys disbanded by the end of the decade. Still, this is just a mess of a song, and I feel like I’ve been hammered into the ground every single time I hear it!

#4.

Now here’s a tired, overused subject matter that we really didn’t need to see more of in pop music: break up songs! Because we still need to know just how much it sucks to have a relationship go sour, don’t we? It’s not like those listening have already experienced a bad break up at this point and know exactly how much it sucks, right? Don’t we desperately need to see more break up songs in pop music?

The answer, of course, is “no.”

#4. All Cried Out (Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam) [61; 8; 13 weeks]

As if it isn’t bad enough that we’re seeing an overused troupe cropping up. We also get it delivered courtesy of Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam. Those of you keeping up with my lists may recall that I listed a song of theirs as a dishonorable mention on my ‘worst of ‘91’ list. Well, my dear readers, you can take comfort now in knowing that they always sucked. This was their first of only three songs of theirs that would chart in the top ten, with 1987 having them see much greater success with their follow ups “Head to Toe” and “Lost in Emotion,” which honestly are about as good as this piece of crap.

How much does this song suck? Well, let’s start with the lyrics. For starters, I should note that this song seems overly obsessed with fire imagery. Seriously, between lines like “My tears will burn the pillow” and “Romance up in flames, why should I take the blame,” you’d think that the song was trying to set itself on fire so that it didn’t have to exist. Also, how would tears burn things, I mean unless you cry bleach or kerosene or something? Oh, and I just love the ‘Apology not accepted’ line. Tell me you didn’t write this song in kindergarten. Hell, even kindergarteners could come up with something better than this! Furthermore, the song’s use of a second vocalist is kind of wasted in that, rather than using the opportunity to show two different sides of the break up, it basically just has both of them saying the exact same thing: that the guy was in the wrong. That’s just lazy songwriting; you might as well have just told the entire song from the one vocalist’s perspective!

Then there’s trying to discern the exact tone this song is trying to convey. The song starts with the narrator talking about being upset, how she’ll hide her emotions behind the raindrops. But then she starts whining about how she’s tired of the narrator lying, though it gives us no details regarding what he was lying about, save for the line, “All I needed was a simple ‘hello.’” Then it seems to imply that she’s being passive aggressive and insisting that he should’ve noticed that she was crying despite being covered up by traffic. Then it talks about her giving him sex or something? Then it shifts to the guy’s perspective, with him saying that he was in the wrong for never seeing things her way. But then he drops the line, “Now I see that the grass is greener,” which has nothing to do with the rest of the verse. Then the first narrator says she wants him to leave her alone, despite the fact that she’s complaining about him neglecting her, refusing to accept an apology, then basically talking down to him for ‘weakening so easily’ after she gave him all her love?

The only thing I can say about this song is that it sounds calculated. It’s a string of break up song clichés piled one on top of another to try and wring an emotional reaction out of the audience. And even if I were to believe that this was coming from somewhere real, the person going through all this needs some kind of help to get their head straight and get to the root of the problem before going off and complaining about five different things she wasn’t satisfied with from the relationship. If Lisa Lisa wants to whine about how she’s so neglected despite the fact that she’s insisting on being left alone and get all passive aggressive over her ex caving in after one bout of sex, fine. But she shouldn’t expect me to care about it.

#3.

You know what doesn’t serve to make a song’s message better? Redundancy!

#3. Live is Life (Opus) [--; 32; 5 weeks]

Okay yes, this song only barely qualified for this list; if it had dropped off the charts just one week sooner it would’ve just been a dishonorable mention at best. However, it did qualify, so it gets placement on this list. And rightly so, if you ask me, because when you get down to it this song is completely hollow, meaningless fluff. It doesn’t even pretend to be about anything; the chorus primarily consists of a background of people chanting ‘na na na na na,’ for God’s sake. And the rest of the lyrics that aren’t just nonsense are just statements of redundancy and half formed sentiments and phrases that don’t actually add up to anything when you give them even the tiniest bit of attention. Now, considering they’re Austrian, it would be easy to dismiss the nonsensical lyrics as being the result of them not having a great grasp of the English language and maybe feel like giving them some leniency. However, when there were non English acts like A-Ha and Falco that were able to make decent songs that also had nonsensically used English lyrics, I don’t understand why you would be making such excuses to be listening to these guys over those acts.

And even if you just disregard the lyrics and try to enjoy the song as a goofy little sing-a-long, it doesn’t even manage that all that well. The song’s so dull, lackluster and uninteresting that there really isn’t a lot for me to say about it. The song’s primary driving forces are monotonous hand clapping and a terribly stiff guitar lick. The main reason for the hand clapping seems to be because they would always play the song live. I would comment on how they play the song in the studio, except I can’t find a version of the song in the studio. I can only imagine this being because the song would sound a lot more awkward without a drunken audience letting themselves be humored by these guys’ half-assed performance. It does not say good things about your song when it actually loses momentum every time it gets to the chorus!

And it’s not even like Opus was that great of a band by themselves anyway, even discounting this song from their discography. Their material was staggeringly mediocre at best and…well, the likes of ‘Live is Life’ at worst. In fact, they actually rereleased this song in 1994, which should serve as an indicator of just how lackluster they were as a band in that they couldn’t even come up with enough songs to forge an identity for themselves without just recycling their one noteworthy success. Well, look on the bright side, Opus: at least your home country of Austria still loves you. That’s got to mean something, right? Right?

#2.

Like I said earlier, I don’t inherently hate all message songs. I can get behind the sentiment of ‘We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off,’ even if the song itself isn’t worth my time. Hell, I don’t even have anything against most religious music on that same logic, since the genre isn’t inherently terrible, so long as the message is actually something I can get behind. No, if a message song wants to really get under my skin, there is no faster way for it to do this than with an inherently flawed or just plain awful message.

#2. Human (The Human League) [25; 1; 15 weeks]

So, let’s all just pause for now and use our imaginations for a brief moment. Picture, if you will, a scenario where you have cheated on your lover. Your lover has become aware of the fact that you cheated on them and they’re now very upset about this. You feel really terrible about what you did and know that you need to be very careful about what you say next. What do you do in this scenario? Would you apologize for what you did? Would you be the bigger person in this scenario and own up to your mistakes and accept full responsibility for what you did? Would you put forth every last bit of effort you could muster to make sure that you never hurt the one you cared about in this manner ever again?

Well, too bad, because that’s not the solution that the Human League have to offer up for this scenario! Nope, if you’re going off of their logic, then the only reasonable solution for this hypothetical situation is to make excuses and try to justify the awful, irresponsible act you have committed and put forth no effort to indicate that you won’t do it again, or even that you’re sorry for what you did. After all, it’s not your fault for cheating on your lover! You’re only human; it’s in your nature to make mistakes! That’s right folks, cheating on your lover isn’t all that terrible of an act to do; it’s just a ‘mistake,’ a minor misstep, an insignificant miscalculation!

I’m not making that up folks; that is actually what ‘Human’ by the Human League is about. I’m already not a fan of songs about cheating, but I especially hate songs that try to justify it like this one does. I know I said previously that I try not to let my morals have that much sway over my opinion of a song when ranking it for these lists, but when the entire point of the song is about trying to justify something like this, then the song is already inherently a failure because it’s trying to make excuses for something that you really shouldn’t be trying to make excuses for. The song’s goal is inherently flawed, so there’s no way that it can succeed at accomplishing it. And you know what’s especially stupid about this song? During the bridge near the end of the song, there’s a section where the girlfriend not only actually forgives the guy, but admits that she was cheating on him too.

And you know what, even ignoring the awful, awful, terrible message the song’s trying to convey, the song can’t even stand on its own well enough to actually justify the song’s existence by itself. There is no emotional investment in the performances on this song whatsoever. The music sounds about as bland and cookie cutter as a bad ‘80s slow tempo ballad can sound. There’s no build up or payoff to be had from this music; it remains just as flat and monotonous from beginning to end. This only serves to accentuate just how much the singer doesn’t sound like he actually feels bad about what he did.

The sad thing is that I can’t even really find this song terrible enough to even be worth feeling offended by just because it’s so bland in all other respects outside of the subject matter. It’s just a dull, grey puddle of fecal matter that symbolizes just how bad the ‘80s could get when no effort was being put forth. And yet, believe it or not, as far as bad ‘80s ballads go, there was actually one worse that came out this year. Prepare yourselves, folks; it’s going to get ugly…

#1.

Generally when the biggest star in a group of performers, usually the lead singer of a band, decides to start a solo career, it can be a bit of a mixed bag. Some artists that went solo went on to have very good solo careers, such as George Michael, Michael Jackson and Justin Timberlake. However, there are also artists whose careers likely would have been better off sticking with their band or group. Artists like Gwen Stefani and will.i.am, who once were capable of creating quality music, suddenly started pumping out complete crap once they started going solo. Part of it comes from the fact that these acts were already kind of selling out in one sense or another so more of their work is influenced by studio hacks than by the artists themselves. More importantly though, the reason that acts like these lose some of their quality when they go solo is that they had the help from the rest of the band they were with behind them before. Going solo takes that away from them and forces them to utilize their own talents. Granted, they can just hire other people to cover bases they can’t, but then they’re working with people they have no familiarity working with, and in that case they might as well have just stuck with the rest of their band mates.

So, why do I bring all this up? Well, because there occasionally comes an example when a band has already sold out and given up whatever quality they might have had previously, meaning that whatever possible promise that said band would have had is already gone, and yet not only does the band persist, but then its lead singer decides to start a solo career on top of that. And when you want the perfect example of an artist starting a solo career despite having zero grounds for anyone to expect anything of quality to come of it, look no further than Peter Cetera.

#1. Glory of Love (Peter Cetera) [14; 1; 14 weeks]

I’ve never really had anything against Chicago, or Peter Cetera for that matter. Granted, that could just be because I’ve never really exposed myself to most of the work of either act. I mean, I listened to ‘If You Leave Me Now’ back when I was working on my worst list for 1976, but that was just one song and didn’t properly reflect the full scope of their discography, at the time anyway. However, going back through their discography showed me that, early on at least, they did at least have some talent as a band. Yes, even Peter Cetera had good music in him at one point. And yet, by 1986 it’s clear listening to ‘Glory of Love’ that the man just wasn’t trying anymore.

This is obvious just looking at the lyrics alone. These are some of the most unmemorable, uninspired lyrics I’ve heard in a love song. All of them are just love song clichés about how they’ll fight for each other’s love and how they’ll always love each other and being the other’s hero and knight in shining armor and blah blah blah…These lyrics are like stale crackers: brittle, flavorless and completely unable to offer any kind of satisfaction no matter how many times you take them in. Forget glory of love; these lyrics don’t even manage to capture the essence or concept of love, let alone any semblance of glory.

Of course, that’s the least of the song’s worries when you also have the lackluster production and Peter Cetera’s terrible vocals to throw in on top of that. The guy’s auto tune is so bad it sounds like a computer is generating his voice; it sounds inhuman! And, you know, if it was just the issue of the auto tune, I could find a way to deal with that. But the way his voice resonates through the auto tune makes it migraine inducingly unpleasant to listen to. In fact, you know how in some shows with a sound manipulating character the guy tends to have the ability to generate high frequency sound waves that can shatter glass or throw off people’s equilibrium? That’s what it’s like listening to Peter Cetera’s vocals on ‘Glory of Love.’ I don’t understand why it’s only this song of his that I have this issue with; I don’t have this reaction to any other songs of his, even from post-sell out Chicago.

Oh, and apparently this was also meant as the theme song to the second ‘Karate Kid’ film. What does it have to do with the film? How does it tie into karate or the characters of the story? It doesn’t. It’s just a cheap, uninspired ballad that Cetera coughed out just for a hit in his solo career. This song is an embodiment of everything wrong with music back in the mid ‘80s: transparently commercial, lacking any semblance of original thought, dull, slow and boring. So I think it only fitting that I award this song the only ‘glory’ it warrants or deserves: the worst hit song of 1986! Good riddance!