Top 5 Best & Worst Lady Gaga Songs

Hi folks. I’ve been doing these lists for a while now, and I’ve covered many different years in pop music history. In doing this, however, I feel like I’m skipping over songs by artists that never even cracked the Hot 100 that might be really good, possibly better than anything of the artist’s that the general public ever got exposed to. So, I’ve decided to start new lists, these ones focusing on specific artists and tallying up their best and worst songs.

            Now, for these lists, I’ve decided to set ground rules. First, while I am including remixes of songs, I’ll only be including one version of the song per list, otherwise one list could just consist of different remixes of the same song. Second, I won’t be including live versions of songs because, with few exceptions, they’re generally not different from the studio version. Finally, I won’t include songs where the artist is only a feature; I’m only focusing on songs where the artist is the lead performer.

            Speaking of performers, let’s talk about Lady Gaga. While her prevalence in the mainstream has waned in recent years, when she first hit the scene, she was huge. She had a lot of shock value, but didn’t usually let that interfere with the quality of her material. In contrast to the pop princesses that came before, and even to other artists that came around the same time or after, she had a lot of talent in music and was not afraid to show it. So today we’re going to be looking at both ends of her musical spectrum, praising her highlights and shunning her low points. If you’re familiar with how I structure my lists, you should have already guessed that we’ll be starting at the bottom and working our way up from there.

            Get ready folks, because we’re about to show Mother Monster our love as revenge as we count down…

…THE TOP 5 WORST LADY GAGA SONGS!

            #5.

            When Lady Gaga first debuted in the pop music world, it was still up in the air whether she was an artist with a lot of creative, interesting ideas or a collection of pretentious masks covering an empty shell. Her first two albums seemed to indicate the former, but starting around her third album, ‘Artpop’, some noticeable problems began to surface. One of the most prominent was that she began releasing songs that she claimed were personal, but that the mainstream audience couldn’t connect with, such as this:

            #5. Swine [Artpop]

            Sometimes, an artist goes through a lot of psychological trauma and needs a chance to vent their feelings. There’s nothing wrong with this; performers are capable of creating good or at least interesting music just by drawing on inspiration from their personal experiences, both positive and negative. Unfortunately, I feel no sense of personal connection to this song, despite what Gaga has stated about it.

            According to Lady Gaga, the song is about rape, demoralization, rage, fury, passion and all the pain she wanted to release after being raped at 19 by a producer twice her age. I feel terrible about criticizing the expression or voice of a sexual abuse victim, but I honestly don’t feel most of those things in this song. It just sounds like Lady Gaga is repeatedly calling me a swine, which she has stated is apparently the worst thing you can call someone in Europe.

            On the instrumental side, this song’s not much better. Production-wise, it’s pretty much a remix of itself, and vocally Gaga sounds like she’s on autopilot. I’m not a huge fan of remixes to begin with, but when you create a song that’s already essentially just that, then it serves no purpose. Even most of the other songs off of ‘Artpop’ felt like complete songs rather than just reproduced versions of scrapped song ideas, which is how this feels.

            This placed low on the list because, as far as bad production ideas go, this isn’t terrible. Even if it sounds like just a rehash of a song that never got released, it at least has an almost consistent melody. We’ll be seeing much worse once we get further down the list, but until then, I guess Gaga calling me a swine isn’t inaccurate because after listening to this, I just feel dirty.

           

            #4.

            What kind of music do you think of when I say “Lady Gaga song”? Well, they tend to be big and theatrical, some take a lot of inspiration from the ‘80s, some make references to fame or the desire thereof, while others have explicitly sexual lyrics. You know what you don’t think of when you think of a Lady Gaga song? How about the theme song to a C-grade Disney children’s film?

            #4. Hello, Hello (w/ Elton John) [Gnomeo and Juliet (not featured on the album)]

            I realize this is kind of a stretch to call a Lady Gaga song since the version of this song from the album only features Elton John. I’m still counting it for this list though, since the version with Gaga is still featured in the film and she helped write the song. Though it does raise the question of why they didn’t include the version from the film on the album and instead used the solo version. If I had to venture a guess, I’d assume she didn’t want to be featured on the soundtrack out of shame because this song is just embarrassing.

            For starters, the lyrics are some of the most hackneyed lines one could imagine. The chorus actually features the line, “My, my, my, what have we here” and uses it unironically. Sure, that’s probably something you’d hear someone say in an old, badly written children’s story or something, but who talks like that in real life? Also, “Heading out to see the sights”? “Famous last lines of a fool”? “Something comes to tip you off your stool”? Oh gosh, oh golly gee, my fine friends, I do believe we have stumbled upon some most curious lyrical choices! Dearie me!

            Of course, the song’s biggest fault by far is the composition and instrumentation. Normally I think both Elton John and Lady Gaga are capable of making really impressively interesting songs when they’re on their “A” game. This twinkling snoozefest sounds like both artists were half asleep when they recorded it. Even Gaga’s performances on ‘Cheek to Cheek’ had some semblance of life in them. There’s no fire here, no emotional investment, no intrigue whatsoever; this is just boring.

            What especially sucks about this song was that the film it was featured on was released a few months before Lady Gaga’s ‘Born This Way’. Up until this point, and even with the release of that album, she’d mostly been known for releasing these huge, bombastic numbers that had serious punch to them. This could have stood to be higher on this list, except that both it and the film it’s from have been pretty much swept under the rug at this point, so it’s not like it seriously affected her musical output. Even so, Lady Gaga, Elton John, both of you are better than this!

            #3.

            When Lady Gaga released the title track for ‘Born This Way’, it set the mood for the rest of the album. It was very heavily ‘80s inspired, it had a lot of explosive energy behind it and it highlighted just how awesome Lady Gaga was as a performer. Choosing an appropriate follow-up single to that would be quite a challenge, since there’s no way she could possibly top something like that in terms of self-indulgence and over-the-top antics. So, what did they decide to go with?

            #3. Judas [Born This Way]

            I already talked about this song on a previous list, so I’ll try not to repeat myself. With this one exception, I liked all the songs off of Lady Gaga’s ‘Born This Way’ to some degree. I think it’s a brilliant album that clearly demonstrates her love of music, and especially her love of the ‘80s. I hear none of that present in this song though; it just feels like a weak attempt to shock.

            Let’s start with the composition and production, shall we? I’ve touched on how the song blatantly copies the formulas of ‘Poker Face’ and ‘Bad Romance’ before, but that by itself doesn’t make the song bad. It makes it uninspired and disappointing though, and the electro house sound it goes for just isn’t the right fit for Gaga. Apparently I’m not the only one that thought so, because every time it gets to the chorus it drops it for this stiff, generic pop sound that also doesn’t suit her.

            Then there’s the lyrics, which attempt to paint a dark, twisted image of a romance with a man that has betrayed the narrator, yet she keeps going back to him. I realize Lady Gaga’s music isn’t exactly presenting positive messages to begin with, but is this really the kind of love she wants to present as desirable? The message of the song is basically, “I love this man and will clean him, worship him and shower him in my affection even when he lies to me, betrays me and gives me every reason to leave him.” That’s not romantic; that’s disturbing; you’re basically begging for an abusive relationship!

            This was the only song on this list to actually become a hit, but I’m glad it disappeared soon afterwards. As far as romance with monster songs go, it’s not quite as bad as Katy Perry’s ‘E.T.’, but it’s still well below par in terms of Gaga’s usual output. This is one bad romance I want no part of.

            #2.

            Speaking of songs about bad romances…

            #2. Poker Face (Space Cowboy Remix) [The Remix (Japan Track List)] 

            I wanted to minimize the number of remixes I included on this list because it’s not generally Lady Gaga’s fault that the remixes are bad. That said I just hate this one in particular. She’s worked with Space Cowboy on songs before and they’ve turned out fine. Yet, for some reason, his remixes just don’t seem to turn out well.

I’m not even a huge fan of the original ‘Poker Face’, but I will concede that I thought the song was decent, and certainly a demonstration of Gaga’s musical chops. It was catchy, its lyrics were memorable and its chorus was iconic. Also, it had her working with RedOne, who is part of the reason she got as big as she did when she started out.

Space Cowboy, however, seemed to decide that it needed more for his remix. For example, he added an unnecessary minute-long intro that serves no purpose except to establish that it’s the Space Cowboy remix. On top of that, he threw in various unpleasant sound effects, such as what sounds like a clown horn, an ambulance siren, gunshots and some kind of water sound effect that repeats for various lengthy periods throughout the song. Considering the subject matter of the song, I can’t help but feel like that either represents someone getting water boarded or…releasing. Gross dude.

I didn’t think it was possible to take a song like ‘Poker Face’ and make it dirtier, but Space Cowboy pulled it off. I feel like I need to take a long shower after listening to this. Despite this though, there was still one song worse. What could it possibly be? Let’s take a look.

            #1.

            I’m not usually a fan of remixes. Often times they miss the point of the original song and desecrate something that was already fine as it was. Some remixes can improve on the original, but they’re few and far between. More often than not, you end up with cases where the song sounds pretty much the same but with a dance beat over it, or with a rap verse added in that serves no purpose. At worst though…

            #1. LoveGame (Space Cowboy Remix) [The Remix (Japan Track List)]

            In my opinion, the worst offense a remix can commit is to take a good or even okay song and make it sound nothing like itself. I can’t think of any other way to describe what happened with this song though. ‘LoveGame’ wasn’t exactly a top-tier Lady Gaga song to begin with, but at least it sounded like something she would make. None of these things can be said of this deformed, brain dead remake.

            For starters, there’s the production. This version sounds absolutely nothing like the original song; it sounds more like what you’d hear out of a haunted fun house or a bad porno. In addition, it includes almost none of the original song in it whatsoever, save for one line: “Let’s have some fun/This beat is sick/I wanna take a ride on your disco stick”. In its defense, it’s not like anyone remembers any other lyrics from ‘LoveGame’.

            Worse yet, though, is Gaga herself. Her vocal performance here is somehow even less invested than any of the other songs I’ve listed so far by a long margin. This is especially true of the one new line that was added to this version of the song: “Has anybody seen my disco stick”. Between Gaga’s half-drunk performance and the vocal pops that are clearly audible at the end of that line, I want to put this song through a paper shredder.

            This doesn’t even sound like a song; it sounds like a bad internet meme, one that should disappear from the depths of the internet and never surface again. No, worse, it’s more like the soundtrack that would be played over one of those Vine videos, and this was before Vine was even a thing. Space Cowboy, Lady Gaga, shame on both of you for making this!

            Gee, this is kind of a sour note to end on. So I think it’s only fair that we now give Gaga that thing that she loves, put our hands up and make them touch as we count down…

…THE TOP 5 BEST LADY GAGA SONGS!

            #5.

            One recurring theme that appears in a lot of Lady Gaga’s music is her relationship with fame and everything that comes with it. This was especially true of ‘The Fame’ and ‘Artpop’ with the former being about how much she desires fame and the latter expressing how awesome she feels now that she’s famous. However, her most recent album, ‘Joanne’ also explores her fame to some degree, especially with this song:

            #5. Million Reasons [Joanne]

            With the number of big, dramatic pop songs she’s released over the course of her career, I guess it’s hard to think of Lady Gaga as a slower, more confessional songwriter like Pink. Still, I think she pulls it off with this song. She’s written ballads prior to this song, and some were pretty good, but it’s this song that really takes the cake as far as I’m concerned.

            On the surface, it seems like the song is about a relationship, with Gaga saying that she’s being given “a million reasons” to just give up on it. She’s trying to find something positive, just one good thing to keep her invested. In the context of the album, however, it becomes clear that this song is about her relationship, not with a person, but with the mainstream. It raises the question of whether she should consider herself still a part of the pop music world at a time when she’s drifting further away from it.

            As for the instrumentation and production, it matches the uncertainty and frustration expressed in the lyrics. It’s pretty barebones, being driven primarily by acoustic guitar and piano. I’ve stated that I’m not a fan of white chick with piano songs, but even I have to concede that it works here. The minimalist approach is the right choice for this song; it keeps it from overpowering Lady Gaga’s vocals, with this being probably one of her most powerful vocal performances of her career. It’s a clear sign of how, in some cases, less is more.

            I’m not going to die defending all of the songs off of ‘Joanne’. At the end of the day, it wasn’t her best album, and she’s certainly done better. If more of the songs were like this one though, I’d be more inclined to say otherwise. ‘Artpop’ and ‘Cheek to Cheek’ might have given us all the reasons we needed to walk out on Gaga, but this one song is reason enough to stay.

            #4.

            Back when she was starting out, Lady Gaga released a number of songs about the corruption of the concept of love; ‘Poker Face’, ‘LoveGame’, ‘Paparazzi’ and ‘Bad Romance’ being the big singles everyone remembers that did so. Considering she portrayed herself as something of a monster of a human being in songs such as these, it’s easy to see how some people would be disturbed by her persona. Those people must’ve considered it a breath of fresh air when she released a song that put her on the receiving end.

            #4. Monster [The Fame Monster]

            ‘Monster’ is the underappreciated gem from ‘The Fame Monster’. ‘Bad Romance’ might be one of her signature songs, but this is the one that truly highlighted her best work from that EP. It’s a shame it was never released as a single, though this just shows why one shouldn’t restrict themselves to an artist’s singles when listening through their discography.

            Lyrically, it’s unique among Gaga’s early work, since it puts her in a position of weakness. Her other songs from this time might’ve implied vulnerability, but there was that unspoken understanding that she was still the one in control. She has none of that here though; this isn’t a relationship she could escape from anytime she wanted. She’s afraid of this man she sings about, but she’s still drawn to him. Take some notes from yourself, Gaga: this is what ‘Judas’ should have been!

            Another way in which this song differs from Gaga’s early work is in the production. It was handled by RedOne, and that is only a plus as far as I’m concerned. What makes it different is the tightness of it all. This might be one of the most controlled atmospheres I’ve ever heard in a Lady Gaga song, yet it still meshes well with the uncomfortable, uneasy tone.

            I’m partially of the opinion that ‘The Fame Monster’ was kind of overrated. Most of the songs from that EP were not particularly great, even if some of them were at least good. That said there are still some songs I’d recommend from it, with this being right at the top of that list. It’s an awesome song from Gaga’s early period at its finest.

            #3.

            One of the big themes from Lady Gaga’s third album, ‘Artpop’ was the reveling in the art world excesses that come from being a famous artist. Unfortunately, this doesn’t exactly come across as something that could sustain itself as being all that enjoyable for very long, especially considering that most of the mainstream music-listening public will likely never experience that world ever in their entire lives. Fortunately, as the album approached its end, it started to present songs that revealed how unfulfilling it can be to live in that world all the time.

            #3. Gypsy [Artpop]

            It was a toss up between including this song or ‘Dope’, and ultimately I went with the former. That’s not to say I think ‘Dope’ is a bad song. It just didn’t offer a lifeline of optimism to counterbalance its bleakness like ‘Gypsy’ does.

            In terms of its production, it starts out seeming like a sad power ballad on piano. Then it reaches the chorus and the synths and drum machines kick in and it soars to life by the time it reaches the peak of its climax at the end of the hook, and it is glorious. This song’s been compared to a previous Lady Gaga song, ‘The Edge of Glory’, and I can definitely see the similarities. Even so, this song definitely stands out in its own right just because unlike that song ‘Gypsy’ offers more of a contrast between the verses and the chorus.

            Speaking of contrast, let’s look at the lyrics. The song describes how Gaga feels alone, isolated from the world despite her travels and seeing so many different people. She doesn’t want to feel this way, but is willing to endure the loneliness for the time being. She has stated that ‘Gypsy’ is ‘Artpop’s most personal song, and represents how she feels at home when she’s with her fans. It certainly feels more personal than the rest of the album did.

            Considering how uneven the album was, I’m surprised that it managed to produce a song this good. When people talk about the best tracks from ‘Artpop’ the one that usually comes to mind is ‘Do What U Want’. I can understand why, but I feel like that song’s kind of ruined by R. Kelly’s verse, which completely misses the point of the song. ‘Gypsy’ doesn’t suffer from that problem though, and it’s that much better for it.

            #2.

            Now then ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the song that started it all:

            #2. Just Dance (ft. Colby O’Donis) [The Fame]

            The songs most people think of when they consider Lady Gaga’s early work tend to be her stranger ones, like ‘Poker Face’ or ‘Bad Romance’. That’s understandable; those songs really stood out compared to other music on the radio at the time, and they served to establish her persona more than her other works did. With that in mind, I think it only fair that credit be given where it’s due and that we acknowledge her first hit single, which is probably one of the most normal-sounding songs she’s ever released.

            On a lyrical level, ‘Just Dance’ is about a great night turning into a bad one. The narrator’s drunk a little too much, she’s pretty much a train wreck, and she’s about to make some stupid decisions like hooking up with random strangers. For the moment though, everything’s okay and she’s just going to let out all her inhibitions and give herself into the one thing she has at this very moment: the ability to dance her cares away.

            The tone of the song certainly matches the subject matter, what with its happy, upbeat sound over an undercurrent of craziness and lack of control. That breakdown right before the final chorus probably hits closer to home for the alcoholics out there than they’d like to admit. If there’s one complaint I have about this song, it’s the guest verse from Colby O’Donis, who just isn’t on the same page at all. This song might’ve had a shot at being the #1 for this list if not for him.

            Lady Gaga has stated that this song saved her life. At the time she wrote it, she was in a pretty dark point in her life: depressed and constantly at the bar. She wrote the song with producer RedOne in about ten minutes, and has stated that it’s meant for people going through rough times. The demented optimism of the song certainly reflects that, and I feel like most people enjoy a good, desperate party song over the generic club jams that were coming out around this time. This is one dance that I’d be happy to drink myself into taking.

            #1.

            I didn’t really need to ponder too much regarding which song would be my #1 for this list. I knew this spot would have to go to a song that just blew me away, a song that inspired awe in me. Coming from Lady Gaga, it would have to be a song that demonstrated all of her strengths as a performer and didn’t solely rely on shock value or bizarre language shifts or nonsense words and just delivered honest-to-God great music. Taking all that into account, there was only one song that could possibly be the #1.

            #1. The Edge of Glory [Born This Way]

            If there’s anything to be taken from Lady Gaga’s songs, it’s that she loves making music. This could be seen as the general message behind ‘Born This Way’, which had a number of songs celebrating her life and the music she’s come to associate with it. When I wrote my best of 2011 list, I placed this song on there, and I stand by that decision. That said I’ll try to avoid repeating myself as best I can for this list.

             Let’s look at the production for this record. Gaga produced it, along with all the other songs off of ‘Born This Way’, but this song also saw some work from Grammy winning super producer, songwriter, DJ, entrepreneur and speaker Fernando Garibay. He’s done work for a number of artists, including Enrique Iglesias, The Paradiso Girls and Natalia Kills. I’m mostly familiar with his work on Lady Gaga’s ‘Born This Way’ album, but this is by far his best production on that album, with all the elements serving to add to the atmosphere, building up at all the right points and delivering explosive payoffs right when they need to.

            Of course, the production is one thing, but it hardly makes much of a difference if the main artist can’t match it with a recognizable personality or incredible singing chops. Fortunately, Lady Gaga brought both of these things to the table on this song. This is easily the best she’s ever sounded, presenting a melody that’s powerful, emotional and catchy all at once. The lyrics bring up subjects such as death and feeling like one’s succeeded at life, with such lines as “I’m on the edge of something final we call life tonight” and “I’m on the edge of glory/And I’m hanging on this moment with you”.

            Lady Gaga might not have released a song quite as good as this since, but the fact that she’s managed to consistently have good songs on each of her albums just goes to show what a great artist she is. It’s a shame that she’s declined so much in terms of mainstream success, because she’s very much the benchmark in terms of quality pop songs. Maybe she’ll have a comeback at some point and see further success. Until then, we still at least have this song. Gaga, you might be on the edge of glory, but we’re all hanging on that moment with you. 

Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2002

Hey folks. I admit I was kind of looking forward to doing this list. 2002 wasn’t the fondest time for me; it was still my first year of middle school after all. That said, it was still a pretty interesting year. I don’t consider it a particularly great year, but with the positives that came from it, and when you consider the tragedy that came before, I’d say it turned out alright all things considered.

As has been pointed out to me already, I’ve done quite a few lists focusing on bad or just generic years, and that can leave a guy weary. I picked this year at the request of some friends thinking I’d be choosing a good year, but even it ended up turning out merely okay. Maybe I’ll try to select a good year for the next set of lists I do. In the meantime, let’s focus on what we have before us. First, let’s look at our honorable mentions, shall we?

Heaven (DJ Sammy ft. Yanou and Do) [31; 8; 21 weeks]

This song is the epitome of vocal trance, a very specific subgenre of trance music that became popular around this time. This particular one covers a Bryan Adams song, and it is quite an improvement compared to the original. For starters, Do is a much better singer than Bryan Adams. Furthermore, the song is light-hearted and happy, which is how you would want to feel when you’re in heaven. Granted, at the end of the day it’s still just dance music, but it’s really good dance music.

Love of My Life (An Ode to Hip Hop) (Erykah Badu ft. Common) [--; 9; 9 weeks]

This song uses the theme of personifying hip-hop through the use of hip-hop slang and references to popular songs from the hip-hop genre, including Biz Markie’s ‘Just a Friend’, which this song seems to get and respect a lot more than Mario’s horrendous cover. Then there’s Common’s verse, where he references a previous song of his where he criticized gangsta rap and the commercialization of hip-hop. Years later, however, he’s now come to accept that these things had a purpose and weren’t necessarily bad. I can certainly see where he’s coming from, and I can agree with these things. I just wish they didn’t come with the stupidity that’s plagued the genre.

Disease (Matchbox Twenty) [--; 29; 6 weeks]

If this song confirms anything, it’s that Rob Thomas is a very versatile performer, being able to cover soft rock, pop funk and dance rock without sounding out of place or awkward. Compared to most other post-grunge bands from this time, Matchbox Twenty sound the most like a real rock band, and I have no problems with that.

The Middle (Jimmy Eat World) [14; 5; 26 weeks]

I think I have a weakness for emo bands that are able to come up with positive messages about persevering and moving forward even when life pushes you down. This isn’t the best example of such, but I can still appreciate this song. It’s very much the idea of not giving up and pushing ahead despite everything and everyone suggesting that you won’t succeed. I can get behind that.

The World’s Greatest (R. Kelly) [--; 34; 2 weeks]

Okay yes, I put an R. Kelly song on here. I know that he’s a slimy human being and he was caught doing something horrible, but I can’t help it; the guy’s still a good singer and he’s still made good music. I also realize that this song is pretty much one big ego trip. Unlike ‘I Wish’ however, I’m willing to give this a pass because it doesn’t pretend to be anything it isn’t. So, R. Kelly, you want to brag about how awesome you are and how great you feel? Go for it; I support this completely.

Now then, you’ve got me feeling hella good, so let’s just count down…

…THE TOP 10 BEST HIT SONGS OF 2002!

#10.

Something I noticed on the worst list was that I really didn’t talk much about rap music from this year. That’s probably because it was a lot better. We had much smarter, more talented rappers having hits, and they talked about things that felt less stupid. So, starting off this list, I’ll be discussing a song so dumb it boarders on self-parody.

#10. Move Bitch (Ludacris ft. Mystikal and I-20) [55; 10; 15 weeks]

Yes, once again we’re taking it to the dirty South. In fact, we’ll be covering two artists I’ve previously discussed: Ludacris and Mystikal. Such a team-up came at just the right moment, right when Mystikal was starting to lose relevance but also around when Ludacris was starting to make a name for himself.

Let’s take a moment to compare how the two approach the deep, deep subject of a bitch who just won’t move. First, there’s Ludacris, who is in full-on attack mode. He’s not politely insisting this girl move; he will punch her in the face, he will run her over and if her friends jump in they’ll suffer the same fate. Luda is not playing around here, and his delivery matches that aggression.

Then there’s Mystikal, who seems a bit less focused. Seriously, his verse starts out with intensity, then turns into a brag rap, then ends with him being defensive because he bought this girl TVs and jewelry and needs to pay child support. It’s kind of a mess of a verse, but even so he carries it all with a level of charisma that may be a match for Ludacris’s. Oh, and there’s I-20, who’s…there, I guess.

Like I said, this track is stupid, terribly stupid. However, it owns that stupidity, and doesn’t shy away from how ridiculous the whole affair is. Like with ‘The World’s Greatest’, this song works because it doesn’t put on airs of pretentiousness; it is what it says it is. There were better rap tracks that came out this year, but I can still appreciate this one for that much.

#9.

Where I wasn’t bothered by the genre that much the previous year, country music just got insufferable in 2002. I’m sure there were plenty of songs that had positive messages to them, but they were all delivered in this dreary presentation that I couldn’t get behind at all. So, I guess I should be more surprised than I am that a country song made this list, but with how dour and lifeless this genre was this year I’ll take whatever scraps I can get.

#9. I’m Gonna Getcha Good (Shania Twain) [--; 34; 5 weeks]

This barely qualified for this list, which is a shame; it should’ve been bigger than it was. Some of you will likely argue that this isn’t a country song. To that I have to say, “It’s performed by a country artist, and Wikipedia has it labeled as a country pop song, so I’m counting it”. Though, to be fair, Shania Twain had been moving more towards pop music for a while at this point. That said, I think it suits her better than country music did honestly.

This was the lead single off of her fourth album ‘Up!’, and it is a strong choice for that. The instrumentation is energetic and driving, especially the guitars. Even the keyboard, which would normally sound out of place on a country song, seems to fit into this one well. Then there’s Shania, who sounds like she loves every second she’s singing.

Speaking of the singing, that leaves the lyrics. It’s a pretty basic idea: “I’m going to make you love me”. Yet Shania sells it with a coyness and charm that I’m perfectly okay with. It comes across less questionable and more fun and inviting. Compare that to other pop stars like, say, Enrique Iglesias; when he tries it, he just comes across like an asshole.

Shania hasn’t released much new material since around 2004. I hope she releases her next album soon because pop music could certainly use some of Shania’s optimism to lift it up. In the meantime, we still have songs like this to look back on while we wait. Just like she should, she got me good.

#8.

Believe it or not, there was a time when Avril Lavigne didn’t suck. That might be hard to remember considering her recent output and her marriage to Chad Kroeger, but her first two albums showed that she had potential as an artist that spoke to teenage girls, and it felt real. Granted, she was still a teenager herself, and that really came through in some of her writing, but there were moments where she demonstrated surprising maturity for her age.

#8. I’m With You (Avril Lavigne) [--; 12; 4 weeks]

With teenage stars, there seems to be this certain transition. They start out writing music meant to connect to a more teen and younger audience, then they hit their twenties and try to reinvent themselves as what they think adults are like. That didn’t really happen with Avril Lavigne; she got older but her music got less and less mature. Still though, her first two albums presented her highest quality material and this song may very well be her best.

Let’s start by looking at the lyrics. The two songs Avril Lavigne released prior to this one were songs that were clearly meant to speak to teenagers, even if they did a good job at it. This song, on the other hand, is about being depressed, lost, confused and just reaching out for someone to offer support, and I feel like that’s something anyone, even adults, could relate to. I haven’t had this happen to myself, but I know people that have found themselves in that position.

That brings us to the production. Also in contrast to her previous singles, ‘I’m With You’ is a ballad, her first one released as a single, and the sadness of the song comes through strongest in the instrumentation. The cello is a unique sound for a rock song, or at least it was at the time, and it supports the song well, even as the guitar picks up during the chorus. Lastly, Avril’s vocal performance here is easily her most emotional, her most melodic, just her best overall.

It’s songs like this that are the reason why it wasn’t a bad thing that Green Day brought punk music to a mainstream audience. She’s released ballads since this song, even more recently, but they just haven’t matched the subtle or emotionally dramatic moments present here. Pretty much everything from ‘Girlfriend’ onwards is crap, but definitely check this one out folks; it’s worth the listen.

#7.

Controversy can be kind of a confusing thing in music. Some acts try to capitalize on something controversial to try and make people buy something based on shock value. Usually though, if an artist says or does something questionable, it was because they didn’t completely think it through when they said it. Such was the case with this next act, which unintentionally sparked controversy and paid the price for it. Thankfully, it wasn’t before this became a hit.

#7. Landslide (The Dixie Chicks) [--; 13; 10 weeks]

Country music may have become inescapable in 2002, but in some cases that wasn’t a bad thing. If anything, the Dixie Chicks were probably one of the smarter acts that had a hit this year, even if it did kind of fall into a similar mold to what most of the music from this genre sprouted from. Interestingly, this is a cover of a song by rock band Fleetwood Mac, and might even be an improvement on the original. How so?

Well, let’s start by looking at the original. It was written while singer Stevie Nicks was contemplating going back to school or continuing on with guitarist Lindsey Buckingham, while visiting Colorado and sitting in someone’s living room and pondering “the avalanche of everything that had come crashing down” on them, the landslide of her life if you will. The problem I find in the song is the tone Nicks delivers it in; she sounds a little too cheery. This is a song describing someone struggling through various challenges in their life and the emotion behind the song should reflect that a little better.

The Dixie Chicks’ version does improve on this a little. The cover is performed with less of a spring in its step, and lead singer Natalie Maines manages to present the tragedy of the events a little more clearly. Furthermore, the Dixie Chicks’ harmonies have always been the main selling point of their songs and these might have been their best collective vocal performance at the time.

It’s a shame that their London concert on March 10, 2003 happened while this song was still on the charts, since that was when Natalie Maines ended up saying an off-hand comment about then-president George W. Bush. This led to country music fans boycotting their music, many of their supporters dropped their support and ‘Landslide’ and the album it was on dropping off the charts within weeks. That’s a shame to me, not because I think George Bush was less of a president and more of a figurehead, but because the Dixie Chicks were making good music and only just managed to scrape the top 10 this year. Let’s just hope that, now that time has passed, people are willing to cut them some slack.

#6.

Pink took a while to grow on me. She might have had success with her first album, but her second album ‘Missundaztood’ is the one everyone remembers because it was to her what ‘Breakaway’ was to Kelly Clarkson. Of course, much like with ‘Since U Been Gone’, I didn’t really buy into that albums first single. I don’t think ‘Get This Party Started’ was a bad song, but it was just a silly dance jam that didn’t really flesh out Pink’s persona. No, what won me over to liking Pink was that album’s second single.

#6. Don’t Let Me Get Me (Pink) [36; 8; 18 weeks]

Usually when pop stars release something they claim is personal you need to take that with a grain of salt. Just because they connect with the material, that doesn’t guarantee their audience will also. Even when the material is supposed to be relatable, it’s not hard to differentiate between something honest and something manufactured. Fortunately, most of the material on ‘Missundaztood’ seemed genuine, and of the singles from that album, this was the best.

The lyrics of the song discuss teenage angst and the pressures of fame. Considering Pink was still a fairly new name at the time, and her previous album had her making material that she didn’t connect with, I can see where the latter is coming from. The song also demonstrates frequent self-deprecation, though it presents it in a way that shows that such behavior isn’t good. It certainly does a better job at it than ‘Fuckin’ Perfect’ did at least.

That brings us to the production and vocals. This was one of two songs off of this album that was produced by Dallas Austin, who doesn’t exactly have a strong track record of producing good songs, but seems to manage okay here. At the very least it manages better than ‘Family Portrait’, which was produced by Scott Storch. The song’s upbeat and full of personality, which can mainly be attributed to Pink, who carries the song’s melody very nicely. Also, unlike with ‘Just Like a Pill’, she manages to not strain her voice when singing.

Pink has improved as a performer since this album, even if her more recent output doesn’t truly reflect that. Of the female pop stars that managed to maintain a personal connection to their music, I’d argue she was one of the best. Of course, she’s not the only one of her kind appearing on this list.

#5.

Everyone has that one artist they know is flawed but enjoy anyway, a guilty pleasure act if you will. Here’s one of mine:

#5. A New Day Has Come (Celine Dion) [91; 22; 9 weeks]

Celine Dion falls into the same category of artists like Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey in that she’s really good at performing ballads. Unlike those two though, she hasn’t really built much of a reputation for being able to perform much else. Maybe that’s why I like this song, because she didn’t try to stretch too far outside of her comfort zone and create something that didn’t fit her personality.

In my defense, I recognize the faults in this song. The lyrics are clumsy to the point that they seem to trip over themselves to fit the meter. “I can’t believe I’ve been touched by an angel with love” anyone? Even when you focus on them as a whole, the message is pretty basic: “I fell in love with a guy and suddenly I feel better”.

Of course, where the song falters in its lyrics, it makes up for it with its instrumentation and production. It’s a ballad, which makes it a good fit for Celine Dion. Each of the instruments enter at exactly the points they need to, and of course her voice fits into it well. The melody of this song is solid and catchy, and it builds on itself well.

I don’t think this is Celine Dion’s best song, not by a long shot, but it is still a decent song by itself. Considering this was around when she started exclusively performing at Las Vegas, I think we should be grateful that she managed to make any good music during this period of her career.

#4.

When I did my best of 2001 list, there was one song that I wanted to include on the list but couldn’t because it didn’t chart high or long enough to qualify. Allow me to amend that now.

#4. Standing Still (Jewel) [87; 25; 11 weeks]

The best way I can think of to describe Jewel is that she’s like Alanis Morissette if she was smarter and took her music more seriously. I’ve mentioned that I like folk music, and while Jewel’s not the best artist in the genre I’ve heard, she does still have songs I can enjoy, this one most of all.

While all of her previous singles were reworked with different arrangements, vocals or other edits for radio release, this song retained its album format, and it’s easy to see why. This song stands out from Jewel’s earlier songs in one big way: it’s more upbeat and driving. The guitar and drums really pick up the song’s momentum when it gets to the chorus, and Jewel’s vocals have a lot more life to them.

With the subject matter and tone though, it still comes across as bittersweet. Jewel’s music, especially her early work, has always had kind of a depressing undertone to it, even her happy songs, and this shows in the lyrics to this song. It describes how Jewel feels that her love life and music career don’t appear to be moving forward. The imagery it provides adds to that, what with the scenery moving around her, descriptions of the mundane events in the town she feels like she’s drowning in, and noticing that the things she wants seem to be passing by her.

I don’t think it’s fair that this song has been swept under the rug. It’s easily one of Jewel’s best, and it’s unfortunate that it was the last hit she had before ‘Intuition’. While not necessarily a bad song, ‘Intuition’ did irreparable damage to Jewel’s career, and she’s not had a hit since. At least she still has her work from the ‘90s and ‘Standing Still’ to her name though.

#3.

I don’t condone studio hacks selling a deceased artist’s unreleased material. For the most part, it’s hard to see it as anything other than an attempt to make profit without regard to why the material was never released or the statement the artist might’ve been trying to make. Plus, the likelihood of it turning out good is slim, though not impossible.

#3. Thugz Mansion (Acoustic Version) (2Pac ft. Nas and J. Phoenix) [--; 19; 4 weeks]

Tupac Shakur life was ended too soon. The man was talented and we have yet to find another artist like him since. So, honestly, any material that he had to put out was a welcome contrast to most hip-hop that came out in the early 2000s. From what I’ve read, the acoustic version wasn’t the one that charted, but I’m still counting it because it’s the best version and it’s the one that got a music video made for it.

The reason this is the best version of the song is because of the acoustic guitar. It sets the tone for the song perfectly: somber, maybe even bleak, but still offering a hint of optimism without being too upbeat. And J. Phoenix’s chorus matches that well, presenting a hopeful image of a place where thugs are accepted when heaven turns them away.

Lyrically, this is one of the most spiritual songs Tupac ever wrote. He talks about the struggles he went through in life, which adds a layer of pathos to the song. Hearing him talk about being in that place and meeting other figures in African American history, such as Malcolm X, Billie Holiday and Jackie Wilson only adds to that. Nas’s verse, in contrast, mostly focuses on his own view of that place Tupac is describing as well as his own struggles, but it adds a nice point of contrast to both rappers’ views of the afterlife.

Maybe I’m reading too much into this. Maybe it was just another attempt by studio hacks to wring a little more money out of those that felt a connection to Tupac’s music. Even so, I’m glad that they at least thought hard enough to get one of the smarter rappers to also contribute to it. It’s one of the few songs I’m kind of glad was released after its artist died, since it kind of offered a bit of comfort to those close to him that, though he might be gone, he’s still in a better place now. Rest in peace, Tupac; you may be gone, but you are not forgotten.

#2.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best rap song of 2002, arguably even the best rap song of the 2000s:

#2. Lose Yourself (Eminem) [63; 1; 13 weeks]

I honestly don’t know where to begin with this song. I guess I could start by talking about the milestones it achieved. It was the theme song to the semi-autobiography film ‘8 Mile’, and was the first rap song to win the Academy Award for Best Original Song. It also won Eminem the Grammy awards for Best Rap Song and Best Rap Solo Performance in 2004. It was Eminem’s first song to reach #1 on Billboard, being certified five times platinum by the RIAA and is considered by critics to be his best song to date.

What about the song itself though? Well, lyrically it’s a song about seizing the moment, not letting the opportunity to achieve everything you always wanted pass by. It also describes the life of Jimmy “B-Rabbit” Smith, Eminem’s character in ‘8 Mile’, as well as Eminem’s own life, drawing parallels between the two. Eminem’s wordplay here is spot-on, with rhymes flowing into each other seamlessly and metaphors and symbolism used to great effect.

That just leaves the production, which was primarily handled by Eminem himself. It starts out driven by guitar, but as it progresses drum machines, a piano and other string instruments are incorporated. The piano and guitar are what truly carry this song’s melody, and they do so beautifully; that piano melody has become iconic.

With how much Eminem’s quality’s been fluctuating lately, it’s hard to remember the days when he would consistently make good music. Okay, ‘Recovery’ and ‘The Marshall Mathers LP 2’ were both good for the most part, but his delivery on those albums didn’t always match up with what people had come to expect from him. I guess that’s what makes me appreciate this song: it’s still genuinely aggressive while also delivering a positive message. Yet it was only #2. Want to know what I thought was better? Well…

#1.

There are many different facets of a person’s psyche pop music can pander to. Jock jams, dance tracks, there’s even music for moms to get into. Of course, since teenage girls are one of the largest demographics that listen to pop music, that tends to be the one that draws the most attention. Usually, this kind of music is pretty shallow and not exactly something for all audiences. That said the teenage girl in me could definitely appreciate something like this.

#1. All You Wanted (Michelle Branch) [23; 6; 21 weeks]

This song is dorky teen romance done well. Michelle Branch was around back in 2001, but her first hit single, ‘Everywhere’ didn’t really impress me. I can’t really place my finger on why, but I guess it’s just that the song didn’t really stick with me. ‘All You Wanted’ corrects the issues I had with that song and offers something more substantial.

Normally what turn me off to these kinds of songs are the lyrics. Even if the song is catchy, bad teen poetry is just not something I want to listen to. There’s a bit of that here on the surface, but the tone it’s delivered in presents at least a hint of self-awareness. The song knows it’s kind of lame and ridiculous, and it owns that. It isn’t acting like it’s saying something ground breaking or revolutionary; it’s not trying to be pretentious.

That leaves the production and instrumentation. John Shanks, who worked on this song and ‘Everywhere’, as well as two other songs off of Michelle Branch’s second album ‘The Spirit Room’, produced the song. Part of the reason I wasn’t big into that song was that it just wasn’t that catchy. ‘All You Wanted’ is, in contrast, a lot more memorable and Michelle Branch’s voice sounds a lot better with the extra bit of studio polish that brings the whole thing together.

People have presented the argument that 2002 was a good year for music. I’m not sure I’d entirely agree, but I feel more inclined to after hearing this song. You can keep your Justin Timberlakes and your Ashantis; this is the sound I was hoping to hear from pop music this year. ‘All You Wanted’ by Michelle Branch; not exactly everything I wanted, but still my choice for the best hit song of 2002.  

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2002

Hello again folks. Well, we’re back in the early 2000s. I was dreading getting back to this period, considering how unpleasant my last venture here was, but here we are anyway. I’ll at least say this much: 2002 was not as bad as 2001. Where 2001 was mostly a year peppered with stupidity, 2002 tried to be a little smarter.

But how does this year stand on its own? Well, I’m not going to say this was a great year, but it certainly saw some milestones. Justin Timberlake broke off from ‘NSYNC; Eminem released one of his best albums; Hikaru Utada and Queens of the Stone Age both released new albums; Kelly Clarkson was crowned the first winner of American Idol; Run-D.M.C. and Salt-n-Pepa disbanded and Fergie joined the Black Eyed Peas, just to name a few. I wouldn’t call this year unmemorable, uninteresting or even boring.

That said there were still points where it felt like it could’ve been better. The US was still recovering from the 9/11 attacks, and the music that came out definitely reflected that, especially in the earlier portion of the year. People were in shock over how something like that could happen, and quite a bit of the music seemed to be trying to offer some kind of clarity. That didn’t make it good, but it at least made it feel more important. And we’re going to be digging into quite a bit of it shortly, starting with our dishonorable mentions:

Dontchange (Musiq Soulchild) [--; 17; 13 weeks]

Hello again Musiq Soulchild; it’s been a while. This song is at least better than ‘Love’, in that it’s less boring. That said, there are still some lyrical choices that baffle me, such as claiming he’ll still love this woman even if her hair turns gray or when she gains weight. I don’t think those are things you want to introduce as possibilities to a woman dude. Also “The way I feel for you will always be the same/Just as long as your love don’t change”? So, you’ll stop loving her if her love for you changes? How would it change? Are you scared that she’ll ask you to move past first base? This song just feels too tame to be taken seriously. Moving along!

Ordinary Day (Vanessa Carlton) [--; 30; 8 weeks]

I didn’t mind Vanessa Carlton’s first hit song, ‘A Thousand Miles’ all that much. It was nothing special, but I thought it was okay. This song, on the other hand, not only proved that she was a one-trick pony, but also that she might not even be that good at her one trick. While the lyrics on ‘A Thousand Miles’ were at least passable, they reach into truly hollow teenage pretentiousness here. I can sum up this song in four words: “I like this boy”. The end. Next!

A Woman’s Worth (Alicia Keys) [51; 7; 11 weeks]

Speaking of one-trick ponies and neo-soul artists, Alicia Keys gives us a little of both. This song sounds eerily similar to her previous single. I wasn’t a fan of ‘Fallin’’ to begin with, but at least it had power behind it with the harmonies. ‘A Woman’s Worth’ just feels so much weaker by comparison. Also, while the lyrics for ‘Fallin’’ weren’t much to write home about, they’re somehow worse here. Whatever; no one remembers this song, so let’s just continue.

 Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning) (Alan Jackson) [98; 28; 7 weeks]

I don’t think this song is necessarily that bad. However, it was the song that started the trend of slow, mediocre country ballads that crowded the pop charts this year. So, all those country songs you got sick of hearing on the radio back in 2002? You can blame them on this song. Also, I feel a bit annoyed that Alan Jackson decided to write a song capitalizing on the tragedy of the 9/11 attacks. I’m sure there was a real message of support and emotion in there somewhere, but I feel like it was lost once this song became a hit.

What If She’s an Angel (Tommy Shane Steiner) [--; 39; 3 weeks]

This was the worst country song to chart this year and definitely would’ve made the list if it had qualified. Preachy, moral guilt tripping like this just pisses me off! “Oh, you should be willing to give money to the homeless and protect a woman from her abusive husband because…they might be angels sent from heaven to test your worth.” You know Steiner, not all of us are competing for the Miss America pageant in our heads. Yes, you should give to the poor and offer help to those who need it if you can. But doing it for selfish reasons like that undermines the fact that those are just nice things you should be doing regardless of if you get rewarded for it or not. Screw this!

Now then, let’s wash our hands clean of this as we count down…

…THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF 2002!

#10.

Between the hip-hop, country and rock music that dominated the charts this year, it’s easy to overlook that R&B still had some presence in the top 40 as well. This was mostly due to the rising success of Usher, who had yet to truly cement himself as the king of R&B as of yet. There were still other R&B singers out there though, such as the mid-to-late ‘90s performer Brandy, who would be seeing her final top 10 hit this year. It’s a bit of a shame that it wasn’t very good.

#10. What About Us? (Brandy) [65; 7; 11 weeks]

Honestly though, it’s not like Brandy’s a particularly noteworthy artist. She has a pretty voice, yes, but that has always been hampered by her complete lack of personality. She’s been compared to Whitney Houston and Janet Jackson, but she lacks the positive or even memorable qualities that made them stand out.

In her defense, Brandy isn’t entirely to blame for this song being as bad as it is. Part of that can also be attributed to the production, which is just messy and unpleasant to listen to. It sounds like someone was recording next to a copy machine while it was being used. There’s too much going on and it grates on my nerves when I listen to it.

What about Brandy herself? Unfortunately, she seems about as unfocused as the production. The lyrics jump all over the place, starting with Brandy complaining about not getting enough attention from her man, then telling him to just leave, then asking about all the things they did together, then calling him a liar and a phony, then complaining that she’s the one holding things together. Pick a thing to base your song around and stick with it! Are you mad that he wasn’t giving you attention, that he lied to you or that he didn’t contribute to the life you two had? Even Beyoncé was smart enough to divide the different reasons she’s mad at a guy up between different songs!

Sadly, Brandy hasn’t gotten much better as a performer since this song. In fact, I’d argue she’s gotten worse, releasing songs that basically copy this one’s production style and collaborating with the likes of Chris Brown. If there’s any consolation, it’s that she hasn’t had another top 40 hit since 2008. Let’s hope it stays that way.

#9.

Well, with the number of mediocre country ballads that charted this year, it was inevitable that at least one of them would make it on here.

#9. The Impossible (Joe Nichols) [--; 29; 6 weeks]

Remember how I said country music was one of the few genres I could tolerate in 2001? Well, the genre just became insufferable in 2002. Most country songs didn’t chart long or high, but they were right on the edges of the top 40, just popular enough to be inescapable. There were worse country songs that came out this year, but this was the worst of the ones that were true hits, and even it barely qualified.

There’s not much to say about Joe Nichols as a performer. His voice doesn’t carry any kind of authority to it that demands you listen to it and it doesn’t have the youthful energy to make a song fun. He doesn’t even have a unique singing style to stand out from all the other country artists of the time; he’s boring!

This song in particular is especially stupid because the entire idea of the song is that nothing is impossible. To give examples, he mentions how his dad, who he’d never seen cry, did so at the death of his grandfather, and how his friend broke his legs and they said he’d never walk again, but he managed to stand during graduation. Then he caps it all off by saying that his relationship with his love isn’t over and they can’t give up. So that’s what all this dramatic crap was about the whole time! Gag me.

It doesn’t help that Joe Nichols is more known for releasing songs like ‘Brokenheartsville’ or ‘Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off’. You know, some of the most “bro country” songs of their time. So, not only is writing about subjects that are supposed to be deep not exactly what he’s known for, but it turns out he also sucks at doing so. Hey Joe Nichols, you learned to not underestimate the impossible, right? Well, here’s an impossible task for you to challenge: stop being such a sleaze ball!

#8.

So, what does the term “butt rock” bring to mind for people? Most seem to associate it with the fuzzy, sludgy sound and whiny vocals that have come to be viewed as integral to things like post-grunge or rap metal. However, there are other bands besides Nickelback, Creed and Limp Bizkit that would fall under this umbrella term. Even less successful bands are not immune to the label.

#8. Wherever You Will Go (The Calling) [5; 5; 36 weeks]

The Calling was an alternative rock band from Los Angeles formed by front man Alex Band and lead guitarist Aaron Kamin, when the latter was dating the former’s sister. They originally gigged under the name ‘Generation Gap’ with a drummer twice their age and a saxophonist. They eventually dropped these two and briefly switched their name to ‘Next Door’. As Band’s voice finished developing, the pair eventually focused more on songwriting and repeatedly left demos and song ideas in the mailbox of Band’s neighbor, veteran music business executive Ron Fair. Eventually, probably because he felt sorry for them, Fair signed them a record deal with RCA, at which point the band changed their name to ‘The Calling’. 

This song was their first single and only hit, and it’s not hard to see why. It sounds no different than anything else one would hear on the radio at the time; it’s so inoffensive and unthreatening that of course it’s going to become popular. I feel like this song was solely written as an ad jingle for various serious TV show dramas or cars; there certainly doesn’t sound like anything real or genuine here.

Ignoring the fact that it sounds like the soundtrack for a commercial, I still can’t get behind this song. Part of that is because of Alex Band’s voice. First of all, what’s with the fake accent he uses all throughout the song? Is it supposed to be set in England or something? On top of that, his vocals sound like those of an annoying brat who just got dumped. The tone of the song seems to match that too, what with the melodramatic lyric choices and the overly serious sound the band’s going for. It’s honestly too ridiculous for me to buy into.

The Calling disbanded in 2005 after their second album went nowhere. Alex Band tried to reform the band with a new lineup in 2013, but they never recorded any new material and didn’t even last a year before disbanding again. I guess the world of commercial tunes just didn’t have a place for them anymore. Now we have acts like Charlie Puth and X Ambassadors to take their place. God, has pop music gone downhill since 2002…

#7.

While the music from 2002 was better than that of 2001, that didn’t necessarily mean the artists were. In some cases, we were stuck with more of the same.

#7. Down Ass Bitch (Ja Rule ft. Charli “Chuck” Baltimore) [--; 21; 9 weeks]

If there’s anything good to have come from 50 Cent, it’s that he helped destroy Ja Rule’s career. It’s kind of sad if you think about it. Most of the other record labels at the time had the big name rappers that everyone knew and were into like 50 Cent or Eminem. Meanwhile, Murder Inc. had Ja Rule. 

If there’s anything sadder than that, it’s this song because it’s probably one of Ja Rule’s better songs. The production is probably its only saving grace. Irv Gotti, founder of Murder Inc. and producer on other Ja Rule songs, handled the instrumentation and composition here, and he does a much better job setting up a smooth, sexy atmosphere than the lead rapper could ever hope to.

Unfortunately, Ja Rule hampers that atmosphere with poor lyrical choices and weak flow. So, I guess the song’s message is that every thug needs a woman who would be willing to screw, kill and die for them? Not to mention, Ja Rule continues his approach of groaning out lyrics like he has bronchitis. Also, while I was never a Charli Baltimore fan, it feels like she’s not really given much to do here; it’s outside of her wheelhouse.

Irv Gotti released a remix of this song that’s surprisingly better, probably because they got a real singer on the track. That doesn’t make up for this disaster of a song though; anything with Ja Rule on it is beyond salvaging if you ask me. Ja Rule, you might have a lady to lie for you, die for you or even kill for you, but you know what you don’t have anymore? A rap career.

#6.

#6. My Sacrifice (Creed) [20; 4; 19 weeks]

AND…

#5. One Last Breath (Creed) [27; 6; 23 weeks]

Yeah, I’m sure this big reveal has surprised precisely no one. Look, I’m sure Creed’s live performances are fine, but those aren’t what I’m reviewing. What I’m reviewing are the songs as they were released on the radio, with studio polish and everything. In that regard, their music is awful. It also doesn’t help that these songs were off of the band’s worst album.

‘My Sacrifice’ is the less awful between the two, but not by much. Most of my readers might recall me naming this song as a dishonorable mention on my worst of 2001 list, so I guess the fact that it placed on the list proper for this year should be an indication of how much better 2002 was compared to 2001. The lyrics are still pretentious as hell, and even ignoring that they make no sense. Why the hell would you consider meeting with a long-lost friend a sacrifice? What’s being given up for this reunion? You just don’t feel like elaborating on that, do you? On top of that, Scott Stapp sounds like he’s passing a kidney stone.

Say what you want about ‘My Sacrifice’ though; at least it’s upbeat and almost sounds happy. The same can most definitely not be said of ‘One Last Breath’, which sounds like a funeral dirge. It’s one of those songs where you put it on, zone out and completely forget you’re listening to it. Also, the song’s so formulaic it uses the four chords of pop and demonstrates no shame about hammering that into you. It wastes the talent of the people involved, and again, Scott Stapp is his usual awful self.

I just don’t get what the appeal of Creed was supposed to be. As far as I can tell, they were the world’s warm-up to Nickelback. They ended up disbanding in 2004 because of tensions between members of the band. They briefly reformed in 2009 before relationship issues caused them to break up again. Stapp was apparently still convinced that they could work together again despite their differences, though considering how sour things have gotten between them, I’m not sure reforming again is going to happen anytime soon. Even if it did, does anyone seriously want that? No they don’t. Moving on!

#4.

Speaking of artists who were just warm-ups for other acts…

#4. Just a Friend 2002 (Mario) [34; 4; 15 weeks]

To those that consider Chris Brown the original Usher wannabe, I commend you for being able to forget that this little puke stain exists. Allow me to now spoil your innocence anew by reintroducing you to Mario. No, not that Mario, though trust me, you’ll be wishing for Bowser to shoot fireballs at him by the time we’re done here.

The song this one blatantly steals from is ‘Just a Friend’ by Biz Markie from 1989, during the golden age of hip hop. That song told a cautionary tale of a guy who fell for a girl who goes on to cheat on him. It told a cohesive story that worked for what it was, and despite not being able to sing, Biz Markie’s vocals on this song have become iconic.

Now, how best to completely tarnish this important piece of popular culture? Well, let’s start by recontextualizing the song to be from the perspective of an obnoxious creep that’s butthurt over being friend-zoned. Then, let’s make sure we hand it off to a guy with no personality or charisma, who has the voice of a whiny teenager. Finally, let’s give it this hip, ghetto production makeover to complete the song’s transformation into a disposable piece of garbage.

I have no reason to believe that any artistic thought went into this. As for Mario, he barely had a few other hits besides this. I wouldn’t recommend any of them; this was his high point, believe it or not. I’m not sure if I should be grateful or mortified that Chris Brown came along and rendered him obsolete, but as far as I can tell none of the other Usher wannabes were worth mention either. We already had Usher; we didn’t need more of him.

#3.

None of Madonna’s music after 1999 is worth listening to. None of it.

#3. Die Another Day (Madonna) [--; 8; 10 weeks]

After the release of the previous Bond single, ‘The World is Not Enough’ by Garbage, MGM decided they wanted a high-profile artist to perform the theme to the next film. Naturally, rather than a younger, more relevant artist who wasn’t past their prime, they went with Madonna. I never watched the films, so I’m not sure what would be considered the series’ most iconic theme, but I’m guessing it wouldn’t be this one.

As far as the production is concerned, this song is a mess. The instrumentation jumps back and forth between an orchestral sound and an electroclash dance number. There are no elements to connect the two outside of Madonna’s vocals, which are given this annoying stuttered editing effect and so much autotune that T-Pain would say she’s overdoing it.

That leaves the lyrics, which are somehow even worse. Madonna stated that she adapted the song to the theme of the film, which she described as a metaphor for “destroying one’s ego”. The only connection I see to that in the song is Madonna using that statement pretty much word for word in one line of the second verse. I’d talk about the chorus, but I’m not sure the song even has a chorus. All you get are variations of Madonna repeating the phrase “I guess I’ll die another day”, with some stuttered, some not and one ending with her just saying “Sigmund Freud/Analyze this”.

If Madonna had stopped singing after this song, it would likely be her worst. Now that a decade has come and gone and she’s released more music with increasing levels of embarrassment, it probably wouldn’t even make her bottom five. Still, since I likely won’t be getting to talk about her more recent singles, I’ll settle with this for now.

#2.

Remember when I said I didn’t have anything against religious music? Well, I’m starting to think maybe I do, at least subconsciously, because I keep putting songs that are about religion or are by Christian artists on these lists. It’s not because of the themes they bring up, usually. It’s generally because the songs in question just suck.

#2. Youth of the Nation (P.O.D.) [--; 28; 7 weeks]

If there were anything more embarrassing than listening to Christian rock, it would probably be listening to Christian rap. What would probably be even more humiliating still would likely be Christian rap metal. The likes of Limp Bizkit already paint the genre of regular rap metal as being whiny and obnoxious, but adding religion to it doesn’t make it better. All it does is make it preachy and even less fun.

For starters, the lyrics to this song just feel clumsy as hell. It tries to tell a series of tragedies to make it sound intense and thought provoking. Instead, it just sounds like it’s trying too hard and yet not trying hard enough. Just because a serious story is being told, that doesn’t automatically give it a pass to be taken seriously. You have to make it compelling, make me care about the people involved. I don’t feel like the writers of this song cared about any of the people they describe in these tragic stories.

This is also apparent in the instrumentation and vocals. The drums are the primary driving force, yet they feel too soft to bring any kind of swell or intensity. The guitar feels painfully weak and even the solo just left me zoning out until the rapper came back in. Speaking of which, front man Sonny Sandoval has all the intensity of one of the speakers in an anti-drug PSA being presented to elementary school children. Oh God, the choir of children at the end, the guitar licks at the beginning of the song, the transparent pandering to disaffected youth…This thing wants to be ‘Another Brick in the Wall’ so badly, to which I have to say, “Hey! P.O.D.! Leave Pink Floyd alone!”

P.O.D. have said this song was inspired by the shootings that took place at Santana High School and Columbine High School back in 2001, and it can’t bring any of the sadness and tragedy of these events to the song. Instead it just sounds like it’s more focused on trying to be “hard core”. It feels like they were trying to capitalize on real events where people died, and that just makes me sick to my stomach to consider. I hope you’re happy with yourselves, P.O.D. Also, go eat a dick you self-righteous pricks.

#1.

There are some terrible bands I would love to tear apart on one of these lists. Sadly, Limp Bizkit is one I’ll need to pass over because none of their songs charted in the top 40. It’s a shame really; I would jump at the opportunity to vent about them because they rightly deserve it. In lieu of that, I’ll settle with a band that front man Fred Durst gave his blessing to.

#1. She Hates Me (Puddle of Mudd) [--; 13; 10 weeks]

With some songs, it’s easy to explain what it is that makes them terrible. In some cases, I struggle a bit because I can’t exactly identify what about the song makes it not work. In the case of ‘She Hates Me’ by Puddle of Mudd, I find myself in kind of a middle ground where the song’s badness speaks for itself, but if I were to cover everything wrong with it this last part of the list would be an essay in and of itself. So, for the sake of not boring my readers to death, I’ll try to keep it brief.

Let’s start with the lyrics. They talk about a guy entering a relationship with a girl that, for some inexplicable reason, fell apart. The song tries to paint the girl in question as the one that ruined everything, but considering Wes Scantlin is singing the song I find that highly unlikely. Also, this songwriting just feels clumsy. Words are used so haphazardly that it feels like they were chosen purely because they rhymed. Hell, in some cases they don’t rhyme at all! Furthermore, they use the nonsense syllables “la la la” in place of real lyrics.

Then there’s the production and vocals. As is pretty much expected at this point, Wes Scantlin delivers every line with all the emotional heft of a giant, monotonous nose. He’s not helped by the progression, which is just the same four chords repeated endlessly all throughout the song. They don’t even stop after the song’s already had its big finish and should be over; they just keep going! It feels like they forgot to stop recording after they should’ve ended!

It’s songs like these that are the reason that rock music started to decline in the mainstream around this time. Did anyone seriously believe that Puddle of Mudd were able to get big solely on their artistic merit and not because they were given the okay by someone famous? Of course, considering how much of a douche bag Wes Scantlin has revealed himself to be after obtaining his fame, I doubt anyone would believe that now. ‘She Hates Me’ by Puddle of Mudd, a fitting pick for the worst hit song of 2002.