Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 1962

Hello folks. So, we’re back in the ‘60s again, and oh man, am I excited to dive into this decade once more! I mean, just thinking about all of the music my parents raised me on, the big singles that everyone remembers from this decade, all the important movements that happened around this time… all of this just gets me excited! I can’t wait to talk some more about acts like the Beatles, Simon and Garfunkel, the Supremes, Elvis Presley, Ray Charles, the goddamn Righteous Brothers! There may have been decades that had bigger music, but I don’t think there were any decades that left as significant an impact on society as the ‘60s! So let’s go! What year are we going to be diving into this time around? 1964? 1966?

Sadly the answer is “no”. I’m not going to be focusing on a particularly noteworthy year as far as pop music is concerned. Specifically, I’m going to be focusing on the early ‘60s, a time frame which society seems to have done its best to forget about. Okay, significant things did happen around this time, even in this particular year in fact. The Beatles had their first live performance; the film adaptation of ‘The Music Man’ got released; Bob Dylan released his self-titled debut album; Peter, Paul and Mary’s own self-titled debut album reached #1 on the Billboard 200 albums chart; the world was introduced to the dance craze called the Mashed Potato (Don’t ask; I don’t know either.); and Italian-American tenor and actor Sergio Franchi performed for the first time in America at Carnegie Hall. As far as the pop charts were concerned however, not a whole lot was going on in 1962.

Actually, from what I’ve heard, this was a problem with a lot of songs from the late ‘50s and early ‘60s: they just didn’t do anything to stand out. That statement can sadly be applied to many of the songs on this list, which were so samey-sounding that half the time I couldn’t tell when one song ended and another began. Even putting together the worst list for this year proved difficult because I couldn’t tell half of these songs apart. I wouldn’t even say most of the hits from this year were boring; the more accurate word I’d use would probably be “unengaging”. Most of these songs did not engage me; I can’t connect with them. Even the songs on the best list mainly placed there because they were slightly less of a depressing slog to sit through than the rest of the songs from this year.

However, I’ll be getting to the best list later. For now, let’s take a look at where this already awful, awful year went at its absolute worst, starting with our dishonorable mentions:

(Do the New) Continental (The Dovells) [--; 37; 2 weeks]

This year was populated by countless dance crazes, including the Twist, the Mashed Potato and the Cha-Cha-Cha. There were a bunch of them out there. In fact, I’m kind of surprised that this was one of the few of its ilk to even warrant mention on this list, because by this point these dance crazes had pretty much worn out their welcome. The Twist was to 1962 what the club dance music fad was to 2010 (and even in some degree, 2011). The trend was dead, yet studio hacks didn’t seem to realize they were beating a dead horse. I honestly am not sad that I missed out on this trend in my short life, and I desperately hope we don’t see it crop up again.

Seven Day Weekend (Gary U.S. Bonds) [--; 27; 4 weeks]

Here we have Gary Levone Anderson, also known by his stage name, Gary U.S. Bonds. He wound up with this name because the record producer of Legrand Records (the record label he was signed to) chose the stage name U.S. Bonds in the hopes that people would confuse it for a public service announcement advertising the sale of government bonds; thus garnering him more radio play. His first name was added to stave off the confusion caused by people thinking it was the name of a group. This has got to be one of the stupidest ways an artist has chosen a stage name that I’ve ever heard. Yeah, because nothing makes you seem more like a likeable, trustworthy artist than making a stage name that was intended to lie to your audience! 

The guy was 23 at the time of this song’s release, but considering how the song’s put together, his horrendous singing voice and the clumsily hacked-together lyrics, I still feel inclined to classify him as one of the teen idols of the time. By the way, bad teen idols: yet another trend that was incredibly prominent this year.

Funny Way Of Laughin’ (Burl Ives) [82; 10; 8 weeks]

…This guy’s face scares me! Seriously, look at the illustration of his face on the cover of the album this song was from! He looks like he’s going to eat your soul! He looks like a reject from ‘The Gremlins’!

Oh right, I guess I should talk about the song also. It sucks. It’s just stupid, thoughtless fluff that does nothing to present any of the emotional heft it’s apparently going for. I think the song’s supposed to be how this Burl Ives guy is trying to pass off his crying about being left by this woman he was with as just him being happy that she’s gone and demonstrating a “funny way of laughing”. I don’t think I’m shocking anyone when I say I don’t buy it for a second. Maybe that’s the idea of the song: that it’s presenting these incredibly phony statements about how happy he is despite how sad he looks. However, this guy’s tone, the lyrics he’s choosing, and the mood the music’s going for clearly present that this song is playing itself completely straight (and boy is he bad at being convincing about it). Yeah, you go on “laughing” about how much better things are now that this girl has left you, Burl Ives. I think you’re just about the only one you’re convincing at this point.

Pepino the Italian Mouse (Lou Monte) [--; 7; 4 weeks]

Ugh…Can we just universally agree that the annoying chipmunk voice was a terrible, terrible idea? I can’t think of a single song that used it that played it right in any way. This song’s gimmick with it seems to be trying to switch back and forth between English and Italian and, I have to say, this Lou Monte guy sounds just as obnoxious in Italian as he does in English. He was apparently best known for selling various Italian-themed novelty songs. Some of these include such hits as a cover of the popular jazz standard ‘Downtown Strutters Ball,’ ‘Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey,’ and ‘Lazy Mary,’ a remake of the Italian song ‘Luna Mezzo Mare’.

Okay, he was of Italian descent, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t still setting a bad example for other Italian-Americans. I mean the B-side to this song was ‘What Did Washington Say (When He Crossed the Delaware)’. That song makes fun of George Washington’s trip by saying he sold cold pizzas to the Indians, presuming he was cold, tired, hungry and without a change of underwear on the trip, and that he insisted that his boatsmen row faster so he could pose for his picture on the dollar bill that evening. Remember how I said I don’t care for comedy songs that aren’t funny? In all fairness, this wasn’t the worst example of such to come from this year. We’ll get to that though; trust me.

Twistin’ Postman (The Marvelettes) [--; 34; 1 week]

Now here’s a shameless example of pandering if I ever saw one: taking a concept that you already used in a previous song and trying to tie it in with a popular trend. I’m sure that’ll go over well. Oh wait, no it didn’t because this song sank like the Titanic. And listening to it, it’s clear to see why. Anything this song had to offer, plenty of other songs had already given to people for years. The only thing this song does to stand out compared to other twist songs is that it has the postman theme to it, and even then the theme doesn’t tie in with the song at all. When have you ever considered a postman one to dance while doing their job? Exactly; never, because that wouldn’t happen. What is the purpose of this song? Nothing. Next!

(I’m the Girl From) Wolverton Mountain (Jo Ann Campbell) [--; 38; 3 weeks]

Now here’s an unimpressive response song to what was already an unimpressive song to begin with. I am still fairly new to country music (particularly old school country music), so I don’t really know who any of the most well liked, older country musicians are. However, if this song and the one it’s responding to are any indication, Jo Ann Campbell and Claude King are not among them. Basically, the premise of the original song is that a guy wants to climb a mountain to marry the woman who lives there despite her overprotective father trying to kill him if he does so. This song is basically that same premise but told from the daughter’s perspective.

I don’t mean to be mean to people with southern drawls or anything by saying this, but I cannot stand either of these artists’ voices. Both of them sound uncomfortably, stereotypically southern and neither one of them sound like they can carry a melody to save their lives. That said, I’d say that Jo Ann Campbell’s version is worse because, if nothing else, Claude King’s version actually sounded like he was trying. Jo Ann’s performance just feels especially phoned in, and the fact that she plays a terribly passive character doesn’t help matters.

I know response songs tend to suck, but I actually felt like the response songs to Oran “Juice” Jones’s ‘The Rain’ actually had some punch behind them. There is no passion or anything behind this mess of a song. If Jo Ann Campbell is so desperate for a man to come climbing up a mountain and brave the danger of her overprotective father to marry her, I hope she’s a very patient woman because that man is not me.

Lovers By Night, Strangers By Day (The Fleetwoods) [--; 36; 2 weeks]

Wouldn’t be a list talking about early ‘60s music if doo-wop music didn’t feature on here somewhere, would it? This song is about how the narrator is cheating on his wife with this other woman. He doesn’t want to break up with his wife though because she’s apparently really sensitive. Therefore, he thinks it would be easier if he just kept meeting this other woman in secret.

This guy sounds like a total douche bag to me. Just listening to this song makes me want to punch him right in the teeth. So, rather than telling his wife he wants to leave her so that he actually can be with the woman he loves, he’s continuing to go behind her back knowing that she’s a sensitive person and would be really hurt if she learned about his little affair going on.

You know what? That goes for the guy’s mistress also! She knows the guy’s already married; yet she’s continuing to see him anyway! I don’t know if having a lover behind your lover’s back was just a thing back in the old days, but trying to paint the guy that would do something like this in a sympathetic light never works, not even today! I can’t think of any reason I would want to see this guy have things go the way he wants them to! I hope he and his mistress burn in hell! Screw this!

The Alvin Twist (The Chipmunks with David Seville) [--; 40; 1 week]

Great, yet another song that uses the chipmunk voice, and yet another song that tries to take something that was popular and combine it with a current trend. I was already not fond of the songs that came out this year that were basically dance craze cash-grabs, so I have no use for something like this. Say what you will about ‘The Chipmunk Song’; at least that was memorable in some way. This? I can’t imagine anyone being able to dance to this, let alone feel enthused enough to try!

As far as dance craze songs go, this one feels terribly flat and lifeless. There isn’t any point to the chipmunk voice on this song; it’s just kind of there to market it to fans of Alvin and the Chipmunks. Although, apparently that didn’t work out all that well for them, because this barely made the top 40 and quickly dropped off afterwards. I’d say this would be a sign that people were starting to move away from stupid gimmicks like the chipmunk voice…but then I remember that there are still songs that use it today, like Dawin’s ‘Dessert,’ or the Black Eyed Peas’s ‘Rock That Body.’ God, this world…

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do (Neil Sedaka) [15; 1; 12 weeks]

I don’t actually hate this song anymore. Don’t get the wrong idea; I still don’t think it’s even remotely good. The lyrics are still unimaginative, the music still clashes with the tone of the song, and Neil Sedaka still sounds campier than ever. But after listening through the full list of hit songs from this year, I can safely say that, among the awful songs from this year, this is probably one of the better awful songs. Unlike most of the bad songs from this year, this one actually stuck in my mind without making me want to drill a hole in my brain to remove it. It’s still crap though, so I had to at least mention it on here somewhere. Just keep in mind folks, this is as good as this list is going to get. It’s all downhill from here.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, get ready to shout, shout, knock yourself out, because we are counting down…

…THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF 1962!

            #10.

           

            Something I noticed about this year was that there seemed to be three main things that dominated the pop charts: dance craze cash-grab songs, stupid novelty songs and teen idols. Now, there’s always been stuff that’s pandered to the teenage crowd, even back in the old days. Hell, even more recently there’s still stuff that’s meant to cash in on that specific market. Demographics are demographics after all, and record companies will go chasing after whatever thing would offer the widest audience. So of course, since teenagers are already a fairly wide audience by themselves, they’re going to be a prime target.

            I honestly don’t think everything written by or for teenagers is necessarily bad. I mean, Taylor Swift has written some decent enough songs in her time, and she started out fairly young. The Beatles also started out fairly young and even pandered to young teenage girls when they were starting out, and even in their early years they helped to change the sound of the times when they finally crossed over to the US. However, those artists also grew out of just writing stuff that pandered to the mindsets of teenage girls. When you’re in your thirties and are still doing that, that’s a serious problem.

            #10. Have a Good Time (Sue Thompson) [--; 31; 5 weeks]

            Sue Thompson is an American pop and country singer, best known for her 1961 hits ‘Sad Movies (Make Me Cry)’ and ‘Norman’. These songs ended up being her biggest hits, since they were the only ones that managed to chart in the top 10. I admit, her music was never really my thing, but I guess I can kind of understand what her appeal was, if teenagers back in the ‘60s were turned on by slow, sappy, romantic ballads. However, she suffered from a very serious problem, one that I think I’ve mentioned at this point was already pretty prominent this year: all her music sounded the same.

            So, I guess ‘Have a Good Time’ stands out in that it does kind of vary its subject matter from what Mrs. Thompson would usually sing about. The thing is she’s really not the right fit for a song like this. It’s basically about a woman letting her man go for cheating on her. What it requires is someone with a little more coyness to her voice. Sue Thompson was just too nice for a song like this. She was in her thirties at the time she released this song. Personality wise however, she was a little girl. I do not buy that she would actually be this collected and in control if she found out her man was cheating on her. Really, that’s the main reason this song made the list: I don’t believe Sue Thompson actually would be willing to wait for her man to become “tired of being reckless and carefree” and then welcome him home afterwards.

Although, while it’s a minor nitpick, the music to this song feels terribly weak also. This soft, dull doo-wop music just feels like the wrong choice for a song like this. This doesn’t feel like she’s confidently putting this guy down and then gloating that she knows he’ll be back once he’s had his fun; it sounds like she’s inviting her friends over for a tea party. I don’t know if this was just what this kind of music was supposed to sound like back in the early ‘60s, but even if it was, I don’t understand why people would settle for something as sexless as this. Or at least I wouldn’t if I didn’t know just how dry the rest of the year was in terms of songs that actually were hot.

            In all fairness, not everything Sue Thompson released was that bad. She did at least release one song from this year that was actually not too bad. Of course, ‘James (Hold the Ladder Steady)’ demonstrated that Sue Thompson could write music that sounded like an actual adult wrote it in a way that ‘Have a Good Time’ just…didn’t. Also, that song has some semblance of energy and fun to it. ‘Have a Good Time,’ meanwhile, sounds like it was written for a funeral. I can only assume it’s the funeral for this woman’s love for her man, considering how unconvincing she is about how little she’s bothered by him cheating on her. Well, I can say this much with certainty, this song did not make me have a good time. Of course, neither will the rest of this list, so let’s just move on.

           

#9.

I try not to be too harsh on songs that are basically just spoken word pieces. There were two of this kind of song that charted in 1976, but I was generous and passed over both of them when putting together the worst list. As it happens, one of the artists that performed one of those songs ended up having a hit this year also. In fact, he had a bunch of hits this year. Sadly, that doesn’t say good things about the music that came out this year. Choosing just one song from this artist to include on the list was a bit of a challenge, but in the end, this was the one that stood out:

#9. To a Sleeping Beauty (Jimmy Dean) [--; 26; 5 weeks]

Okay, before I say anything about this song, I just want to make it clear that I have nothing against a father showing affection for his daughter. If a father loves his child, that’s perfectly fine. Such children should be happy that they have a father that is willing to show them that they love them, as opposed to never being there for them and constantly being caught up in their work and not having time to spend with them, but I digress. If Jimmy Dean is proud to be a father and wants to show his daughter how much he loves her, he can go ahead and do that. Lord almighty though, he really shouldn’t write songs about it.

First of all, I guess I should start by pointing out that this was not Jimmy Dean’s first big spoken word piece; that would be the number one hit single he released the previous year: ‘Big Bad John’. As it happens, to understand where this song fails, we’ll need to start by comparing it to ‘Big Bad John’. Now, that song wasn’t exactly a great song, but it at least had structure and a story that it was telling. Specifically it was telling the story of a mysterious and quiet miner who had earned the nickname ‘Big John’ because of his height, weight and build. The story speaks about how he saved about twenty miners from a collapsing mine before perishing himself as it caved in on him completely. Not exactly a lengthy think piece about political standing or anything, but it worked for what it was. It was just a story that seemed inspired by American folklore. It still had structure, melodies, a rhyme scheme and cohesion.

‘To a Sleeping Beauty,’ meanwhile has no driving forces behind it, nothing moving it forward. The lyrics, if you’re feeling generous enough to refer to them as such, don’t have any rhyme scheme or rhythm to them. If there weren’t background vocals, this would basically just be a bland monologue about a father trying to tell his daughter how much he loves her. At least ‘Big Bad John’ actually had some stakes and a pulse! This is just plain boring! No one wants to hear a grown man tell the most saccharine, cutesy monologue he can think of to his daughter (who’s probably embarrassed to hear her father go on about this)! If it weren’t for the background vocals clearly trying to follow some form of chord progression, this song wouldn’t have any structure to it whatsoever!

Jimmy Dean had other hit songs after this one, though none of them were as big as ‘Big Bad John’. He didn’t see that much success; his last hit song was released in 1976, fourteen years after the last hit he’d managed prior to that. I guess people just got tired of this guy’s schtick, and rightly so. You could tell the guy was desperately shooting for another hit with the way some of his hit songs from 1962 kept trying to make references to ‘Big Bad John,’ from writing a direct sequel to the song that missed the point of the original to straight up lifting the beat and chord progression for at least two different songs and even trying to shoehorn in a reference to it in another song. Guess it was a good thing for him that he would go on to found his self-named sausage company seven years later. If that hadn’t happened, he would have just been another justly forgotten relic of pop culture (not that that would’ve been a bad thing though).

#8.

Some of the acts that cropped up this year didn’t really see much continued success by the time the Beatles crossed over to American shores. A lot of the big new acts of 1961 and 1962 were pretty much gone by 1963. We’re going to be looking at one such act right now.

#8. Shout (Joey Dee and the Starliters) [58; 6; 9 weeks]

These guys are Joey Dee and the Starliters. They’re mainly known for one hit single they had the year before: ‘Peppermint Twist’. That song was inspired by the rise in popularity of the Twist, a dance craze started by the Chubby Checker song…‘The Twist’… back in late 1960 and early 1961. Obviously, that trend persisted into 1962, since not only did we get dozens of variations and reworkings of the Twist that year, we also got several more hit songs out of Chubby Checker that year. I’m kind of surprised none of those Chubby Checker songs made it on this list though, because he is probably one of the most one-note dance song performers of the time. I can’t think of a single song of his that I’ve heard that didn’t include some elements of the Twist in them somewhere. Okay, okay, I realize I should be focusing. This isn’t about Chubby Checker; this is about Joey Dee and the Starliters. So, what is there to be said about Joey Dee and the Starliters?

No seriously, what is there to be said about this band? I mean, they wrote a lot of dance songs, they have a really ridiculous stage name, they had a few hits around this time before pretty much disappearing and haven’t released any new singles since around 1970…and I think that’s about it. That’s all there really is to say about them, because who cares, right? Say what you will about Chubby Checker; at least he had a distinct sound and a recognizable personality of sorts. Joey Dee just didn’t have that. In fact, they had such little distinguishing features they apparently felt that what they needed to do to keep themselves afloat in the public consciousness was to cover an older song by a better group of performers.

Yes, by the way, this song is actually a cover of the song ‘Shout’ by the Isley Brothers. However, where that song was tight and controlled and had all the elements in place in all the right moments, Joey Dee’s version just lacks pretty much all of that. For starters, the group cut out entire segments of lyrics, including the call-response section near the end of the song. Another problem, the song just doesn’t sound as tight or controlled as the Isley Brothers’ version, to the point that the music just kind of sounds like overblown fuzz at points and the singer’s voice sounds like he’s pushing himself too far to belt out his lines. I know I’ve said this before, but shouldn’t an artist check to make sure they can sing a classic song before trying to cover it?

This cover version is just embarrassing to listen to. I have no idea how it managed to become, not just a hit, but a top 10 hit. In addition, the rest of Joey Dee and the Starliters’ discography doesn’t sway my opinion that they were just not an interesting group. Give Chubby Checker some credit; he might not have had much to him, but at least his music offered something to the listener! At least the guy had a personality! Joey Dee and the Starliters had none of that, and their music just sounds edgeless and dull. They had no elements that would make anyone want to listen to them over any of the other early ‘60s dance music artists. They might have only been around for a brief period of time, but I feel like the fact that I missed out on them is not something I’m going to lose sleep over. Whatever. Moving on!

#7.

Okay, as I’ve repeatedly said, these lists are predominantly based around my personal opinion of various songs or artists. Just because I don’t like something is no excuse that everyone else can’t like something. And this is especially true when it comes to songs that were really popular at their time of release. If a song was popular enough to warrant placement in the top 40, then that means at least someone out there likes it, right? I guess what I’m trying to say is that, if I say I don’t like a song, maybe you should take it with a grain of salt. That said, I feel like there are still some songs that I can’t really understand why someone would like them. For example:

#7. Big Girls Don’t Cry (The Four Seasons) [--; 1; 11 weeks]

I’ve talked about the Four Seasons on a previous list, and ultimately I would conclude that they were okay. They had some decent songs in them, and I don’t think all of their work was terrible. However, while they have released good songs, they’ve also released bad songs. In my opinion, their work from this year would be considered not really among their best work (despite the amount of popularity it warranted), but between this song and ‘Sherry,’ their first big hit single, and their other big hit singles from this year, I’d say this one is the worst.

Before we actually talk about the song, I guess I should start by talking about how it was created. Apparently one of the two guys that wrote the song was dozing off while watching a film, saw a scene where John Payne manhandles Rhonda Fleming onscreen, and then she responds by saying the line “Big girls don’t cry.” The reason I say “one of the two guys” is because I’m not sure which of them it actually was.

According to Wikipedia, both guys said almost the exact same story behind how the song was written, only with different films and from one another’s perspectives. Bob Gaudio claimed he saw this happen in the film ‘Tennessee’s Partner’. Apparently though, the line is never said in that film, so I guess I should feel more inclined to believe it was from the film Bob Crewe claimed he heard the line from: ‘Slightly Scarlet’. Regardless, it feels like a slapdash way for someone to put a song together. You built your entire song around a line said by a woman who got hit by a man in a film you were watching while dozing off? There are less inspired ways to come up with inspiration for a song, but that still feels pretty sad.

What’s sadder, however, is the song they actually came up with. Now, I realize this was the early ‘60s and lyrics weren’t exactly as impressive or thought-provoking as they would go on to be later on in the decade, but these are still some pretty lazy lyrics.

(Silly boy) Told my girl we had to break up

(Silly boy) Hoped that she would call my bluff

(Silly boy) When she said to my surprise

“Big girls don’t cry.”

So, you told your girl you had to break up, but you were bluffing about that? And you were hoping she would realize you were bluffing about that? That kind of makes the fact that she was taking you seriously kind of awkward, doesn’t it? So, what did you do after that? Did you actually let her know you were bluffing? Of course, they never address this verse ever again, and it plays pretty much no part in the rest of the song. And then there’s the second verse, which pretty much cancels out the entire thesis statement of the song:

(Silly girl) Shame on you, your mama said

(Silly girl) Shame on you, you’re cryin’ in bed

(Silly girl) Shame on you, you told a lie

Big girls do cry

           

I admit, that verse doesn’t really bother me as much because they actually do make reference to it in the final chorus with the line, “That’s just an alibi”. However, the worst part of the song, as others have pointed out before me and others still will likely point out afterwards, is front man Frankie Valli himself. Honestly, this song probably wouldn’t have even made the list if not for him. I have gone on record as saying I’m not a fan of the man’s falsetto voice, but God is he at his worst on this song! He always sounds like a shrieking banshee whenever he squeaks out those notes in his upper register! The rest of the band sounds fine, but Frankie Valli just drags the whole thing down.

            Thankfully, the band did improve after this year, to the point that they eventually ended up releasing one of the better songs to come from 1976. All things considered, I think the band improved over time, and I don’t hold anything against them really. I just kind of wish they hadn’t gone on to release songs like this when they were starting out. Of course, this isn’t the worst example of a band starting out badly. And on that note…

#6.

Now then, fresh off of badmouthing a song by one particularly popular act that’s considered a staple of American rock music, I’m now going to be badmouthing a song from yet another act that’s said to have helped shape modern rock music. I can already feel people’s desires to kill me from here…

#6. Surfin’ Safari (The Beach Boys) [100; 14; 10 weeks]

Yeah. I just put the Beach Boys on the worst list. No, I’m not trolling. I just want to make this clear: I don’t hate the Beach Boys. I admittedly never grew up on any of their songs as a kid, but I’ve never had anything against them. I recognize that they were fairly innovative regarding pop music in the ‘60s. And yet, I can’t find it in me to enjoy any of their material from this time frame. Why is that?

Well, let’s look at this song as an example of some of the issues I take with the Beach Boys’ earlier work. Maybe it’s just because they were starting out, or maybe they just sound this way because that’s what music sounded like around this time, but I feel like the enthusiasm on this song just sounds lacking. This song sounds like the band was woken up, dragged out of bed, placed in the studio, and told to play something while they were still half asleep. I mean, just listen to the vocals, especially during the harmony segments! Their vocal performances make them sound like they’re bored, drowsy or stoned!

Really, that’s the main reason this song made the list at all. If a song wants me to get invested in it, it needs to convey to me that the performers gave a shit about what they were performing. This is kind of a deal breaker for me. When the performers on a song come across as disinterested and uninvested as these guys sound, it really kills my ability to enjoy a song. I appreciate that the guys would go on to record other, better songs this decade (including ‘Good Vibrations,’ ‘Sloop John B’ and ‘In My Room’), but this is still a huge disappointment coming from the band that would go on to release those songs. This is one safari I take no interest in going on again.

#5.

Let’s take a moment to talk about doo-wop music. The genre seems to be kind of divisive in recent years. For some, it’s viewed as probably the worst thing to come from ‘50s and ‘60s music since a lot of these songs sound the same. Still though, there are some positive elements to doo-wop music.

For example, it helped innovate the music of the ‘30s and ‘40s by introducing a variation in the chord progression used in most of the hits of the ‘30s; specifically going for a I-vi-IV-V chord progression in place of the I-vi-ii-V-loop. It was also one of the most mainstream, pop-oriented R&B styles of its time and was a precursor to many African-American music styles that we see today. It was obviously doing something right if it took off so well with the general public. It would also go on to help influence soul, pop and rock music in the ‘60s. Even some of the Beach Boys’ songs have some hints of doo-wop inspiration in them.

That said it’s not like I don’t get why this genre receives so much flack. It may have been innovative at the time, but looking back on it now, it is terribly dated and has not aged well. At least the genre as a whole hasn’t aged well anyway. If you want an example, go back and listen to Meghan Trainor (a more recent artist), who took heavy inspiration from doo-wop music from the ‘60s. Yeah, I know her music may have come across as a breath of fresh air to some because it’s wasn’t trap produced and that’s most of what we were getting when she was first introduced.

However, just because it’s something different doesn’t automatically make it good. Her attempts at incorporating modern hip-hop with the genre also really didn’t work out all that well since the two genres seriously clash with one another. Now, some of you might be saying, “Well, Meghan Trainor isn’t a fair example of doo-wop music; she’s too recent! If you really think doo-wop hasn’t aged well or isn’t a very good genre, give us an example of a song that actually came out during the period when it was popular and prove it with that!” Very well; here’s exhibit B:

#5. Duke Of Earl (Gene Chandler) [13; 1; 11 weeks]

You know, normally this would be where I talk about the background of the artist whose song I’m placing on this list. I try to demonstrate some level of understanding of the acts I research when putting these lists together, if for no other reason than to try and inform other people of some pop music history. But I legitimately can’t say I can do that for this particular artist. Someone out there who actually is familiar with early ‘60s music is going to have to answer this question: who the fuck is this guy and why should I care?

I know he was a member of a group called the…Dukays? What kind of group name is that? It sounds like they wanted to call themselves “the Dukes,” but the name was taken already so they just came up with some half-assed last-minute change to try and still use the name but make it different enough that they wouldn’t get in trouble for it. Didn’t stop this guy from taking the title for himself apparently (though I sincerely wish he hadn’t).

Anyway, I guess I should talk about the song. So, what better place to start than with the first thing that hits you right in the face at the start of the song: it’s incredibly repetitious and annoying. Seriously, the opening words just club you over the head with that one phrase over and over until you start bleeding out of your ears. What does that even mean, anyway? “Duke of Earl?” Does that mean there’s a King of Earl? A Queen of Earl? A Jack of Earl? Does it matter? And there’s no explanation as to what the title is even supposed to mean! It’s just thrown around like it’s important and shit with no explanation about why it’s important!

See, this is why I can’t get into doo-wop music: it uses words, or even just syllables in some cases, without any use for them other than to take up space. Good music uses specific lyrics in a very concise manner to achieve the exact effect the lyricist is trying to achieve. Doo-wop music just clubs you over the head with a phrase or two, or even just nonsense syllables, over and over with the hope that you’ll eventually understand it without needing it to be explained.

I say this as someone that admits that I like some songs that take influence from doo-wop. I actually liked quite a few of the Beach Boys songs I heard when going through their discography, and plenty of the ones I liked were clearly influenced by doo-wop music. Here’s the thing though: those songs were careful about how they utilized the words they were using, and made them actually fit in with the theme of the song. This song doesn’t.

Of course, that leaves the other big problem with this song: Gene Chandler himself. Simply put, I cannot stand this man’s voice! The guy sounds like a squeaking chair! This is especially apparent on the chorus, where he squeaks out the high notes like a dying mouse with a sore throat! Shouldn’t the title “Duke of Earl” suggest that the one bearing it would have a sense of regality and nobility to him? This Gene Chandler guy exudes neither of these qualities in his singing voice, especially on songs where he’s playing the Duke of Earl!

I just feel depressed to think a song like this was what was making it all the way to #1 this year. I just don’t get what it is that drew people to this song, let alone Gene Chandler himself. Even on his songs where his voice actually is more tolerable, there were absolutely no qualities to him that would make him stand out from any other R&B guys from the time.

Fortunately, the guy improved once he transitioned into the ‘70s. But even then there were still lots of other artists of his kind that were also out at the same time, and he still didn’t really do anything to make himself stand out. By the ‘80s he just became boring though, so we really didn’t need him around anymore after that. I’m guessing there aren’t a lot of people sad to see Mr. Chandler relinquish his dukedom (though I can’t see how that would be much comfort to those that had to suffer through this). 

#4.

Now, we’re all familiar with novelty songs, right? For those who aren’t, they’re songs that incorporate some kind of comedic or nonsensical element to create a comedic effect. Songs that are funny or have funny elements to them aren’t necessarily novelty songs though. ‘Disco Duck’, for example, was a fluke novelty hit back in 1976, but something like ‘Back In Time’ by Pitbull wouldn’t count as a novelty song despite it being freaking hilarious in its own horribleness.

Anyway, I bring this up because the late ‘50s and early ‘60s were pretty much dominated by novelty songs. You had things like Ross Bagdasarian Sr.’s ‘Witch Doctor,’ Sheb Wooley’s ‘The Purple People Eater,’ Brian Hyland’s ‘Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini,’ yet another Ross Bagdasarian Sr. song with ‘The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late)’. I guess it’s also worth noting that, for the most part, the novelty songs that came out around this time were also terrible. Seriously, a lot of them have not aged gracefully. Anyway, there were quite a few novelty songs that came out this year, so I guess it only makes sense that at least one of them would be making an appearance on this list.

#4. She Can’t Find Her Keys (Paul Petersen) [--; 19; 7 weeks]

See, from my understanding novelty songs are supposed to be funny. Just as an example, you’ve got acts like Weird Al, Jonathan Coulton and They Might Be Giants, all of whom are able to come up with hilarious comedic songs seemingly effortlessly. Okay, it’s clear effort went into their work, but comedy seems to come across as second nature to these acts. In contrast, I think I can safely say that teen idol Paul Petersen does not fall into the same category as these acts in terms of comedic genius. Why is that though?

Let’s look at this song just as an example of his work. This song is about how Paul Petersen has finished a date with a young woman and has taken her home and is waiting for a kiss goodnight. However, things start to drag out when she asks for a moment to look through her bag and find her keys, pulling out various random objects and having no luck in her search.

What kind of objects you ask? It starts out normal enough, with things like lipstick, powder and bobby pins. As the song progresses though, it starts getting to things like Presley records, a tennis racket, a piano bench, a monkey wrench, a fire hydrant…you know, basically just stuff that someone wouldn’t and shouldn’t be able to carry around in their purse. The guy eventually gives up and leaves the poor girl there on her doorstep, presumably to look for her keys by herself (either in the freezing cold or the sweltering heat depending on the weather). Then they have another date because this idiot didn’t learn his lesson the first time, and the whole thing repeats all over again.

As far as comedy goes, you certainly could do a whole lot worse, but this is still not great. Does this girl normally carry things like watermelons and a TV set in her bag on a regular basis? I guess the joke is supposed to be that she shouldn’t be able to carry all those things on her regularly and what the hell is any of that stuff even doing in her bag? Still though, I feel like this might’ve been a bit funnier if it were a visual gag rather than a gag described in a song. Some jokes just don’t translate well into songs, and I feel like this is one example of such. All we’re getting here is a grocery list of all the things this girl’s pulling out of her bag.

Something I’ve heard one critic say is that all comedy is born from some form of misery. I feel like there might be some truth to that, at least in the case with this particular joke. If we could actually see the girl pulling things out of her bag and seeing, or at least hearing about the disappointment and frustration going on with the narrator in this situation outside of a single throwaway line, then there might be some humor to be found in this premise. Just hearing about the various random things the girl is pulling out of her bag by itself isn’t funny; it’s just stupid.

Paul Petersen didn’t bother sticking with the comedic schtick and ended up becoming just another disposable teen idol. I don’t see what we needed this guy around for after that. In fact, I’m not sure what we needed him for prior to that either. I’m just not sure why this guy was a thing.

In all fairness, I’m guessing people consider him talented, since he’s not only done music, but acting and writing also. On top of that, he’s been active in improving conditions for child actors, such as founding a child-actor support group called ‘A Minor Consideration,’ which works to improve working conditions for child actors and assisting with their transition into adult life. So I don’t want to give the impression that I think he’s a terrible person; just a terrible comedian and a not-particularly-interesting musician.

#3.

Pat Boone.

Do I even need to go into detail? Can’t I just wrap this entry up there and move on? No? Okay, I’ll try to elaborate then. Pat Boone is regarded as one of the whitest artists of all time. He was to the ‘50s what Donny Osmond would go on to be for the ‘70s. In fact, he and Donny had something else in common also: both of them were basically meant to be safer, more scrubbed clean versions of better artists. For Donny Osmond, that artist was Michael Jackson, and for Pat Boone that artist was none other than the King himself, Elvis Presley. By the way, if you know anything about either of these artists, you likely know that comparing the two is like comparing ‘Steven Universe’ to ‘Caillou’.

However, Pat Boone was actually fairly successful this year, spawning three top 40 singles. Since only one of them was an actual hit, I’m choosing that one as a representation of his work from this year as a whole.

#3. Speedy Gonzales (Pat Boone) [45; 6; 10 weeks]

I’ve been dreading getting to this entry. Pretty much everyone I’ve spoken to or everything I’ve read or heard about Pat Boone has said he’s terrible. To which I have to say…yeah, he’s bad; very, very bad. The guy is blander than white bread toast covered in store brand mayonnaise. But this particular song may very well be among his worst. I realize it’s kind of odd that I should say that about this song, considering most of his other songs are him shitting all over the work of black artists and this song was originally written by a white guy. Say what you will about his other songs though; at least the argument could be made that the songs in question were trying to be respectful to the source material. This song is just inherently awful, and in his attempts at being true to it, he just made it worse.

Anyway, let’s look at the song itself. What’s it about? Well, it’s presumably about Speedy Gonzales, the fictional Looney Tunes mouse. I’m not going to pretend the character was some pinnacle of Mexican representation, because let’s be honest: the guy was still kind of questionable at best. In later years Speedy Gonzales would go on to be seen as a popular cultural icon by Latin Americans, but was he really so popular that there needed to be a song written about him? Even if you could argue that such could be the case, why would you want a song like this? Furthermore, why would people be in such demand for the version done by Pat Boone, world’s whitest of white guys? He was already ruining black music! Did he have to ruin Mexican cultural icons too?

Even taking into account the popularity of the character among Latin Americans, this song still reeks of incredibly questionable depictions of Mexicans. Seriously, the lines spoken by Mel Blanc (No really, they actually got Mel fucking Blanc to do voice work on this piece of shit!) just make me feel uncomfortable, almost like watching shows depicting white actors in black face. If I only had this song to go off of, I’d assume the only understanding Pat Boone had of Mexican culture was tortillas, chilli peppers and tequila. Oh yeah, also poor living conditions and sleeping around with lots of women. That does not demonstrate a great deal of worldliness on your part, Boone.

The one positive thing I can say about this song is that it was Pat Boone’s last top 10 single, and he hasn’t seen much further success outside of a single song of his released in 1984 peaking at #40 on Billboard. Still though, I feel like this is an insult to the character it’s named after. If Warner Brothers wanted someone to perform a song based on one of their characters, why did it have to be this guy? Granted, considering the last song I heard that took inspiration from Looney Tunes characters, I can’t say I’d imagine anyone being able to pull something like that off and do so well. Whatever. I’m just glad that Pat Boone stayed buried in the bygone era of the ‘50s and early ‘60s where he belongs.

Oh wait, he released an album of covers of rock and metal songs back in 1997.

…FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUU—!

#2.

Oh hey! This guy again! Wonderful. 

#2. Ahab the Arab (Ray Stevens) [61; 5; 9 weeks]

Honestly, I’m kind of surprised this didn’t make the #1 spot. We’ll be getting to why it didn’t in a bit, but for now, I just want to further emphasize how funny I DON’T find Ray Stevens. I honestly cannot understand what humor people saw in this guy. I feel like I’ve developed kind of an allergic reaction to stupid humor, and honestly Ray Stevens’s sense of humor may be among the most brainless of all. Now, let me be clear: I define “stupid humor” as humor that requires you to either turn your brain off to find funny or just never use your brain at all to find funny. Slapstick doesn’t count because slapstick can be a form of comedic art. The characters’ responses to the pain being inflicted are what make it funny, not merely the fact that someone is hitting someone else. Ray Stevens, however, seems to think that obnoxious vocal noises and silly voices by themselves are enough to get a laugh out of people. They can be…if you’re five or younger. For the rest of us, they’re just humorless, obnoxious and superfluous.

Anyway, I really should be talking about this song, shouldn’t I? Dear God, where do I even begin? I’m not even sure what’s more depressing about this song. Is it the horrible way in which the Arabic characters are portrayed? I mean, the titular character’s speaking of his native language is depicted as pretty much gibberish and the “translations” provided afterward don’t make them any better. Also, the depiction of the female love interest has her engaging in stereotypical Western behavior (which seems incredibly out of place for someone from Saudi Arabia).

Or maybe it’s the kitschy faux-Arabian music they use for this song? Seriously, this music just sounds tacky and cheap! If you’re going to do a song depicting Arabic stereotypes, at the very least use actual Arabic instruments! Might as well go all the way with this shit! Or maybe it’s Ray Stevens’s horrifically stiff, nasal vocal performance? Seriously, the guy sounds like he inhaled a bar of soap. The vocals just grate on my nerves at all the points I don’t want them to. Or maybe it’s Ray Stevens’s increasingly uninspired attempts at humor all throughout the song? Speaking of uninspired, don’t even get me started on the music video, which is about as dumb as the song is, which I guess makes it a perfect fit for it.

This song was actually one of the biggest hits in Stevens’s career, peaking in the top ten. It was his biggest hit song until ‘Everything Is Beautiful’ peaked at #1 eight years later. To that I must say I cannot for the life of me understand why. It’s yet another annoying novelty song that tries way too hard at the joke it’s going for, and is performed by a guy that wouldn’t know how to make a decent comedic performance if it slapped him across the face! Just shut up, Ray Stevens; no one wants to listen to you! Just shut up and go away!

#1.

Now, I’m sure many of you are wondering, “If he hates ‘Ahab the Arab’ so much, and Ray Stevens pisses him off to this degree, what could possibly be worse? How can you top a song that’s borderline offensive and tries to be funny despite having no real jokes in it?” Well my friends, before we go into detail about that, I’ll need to describe yet another style of song that this next entry falls squarely into: the teenage tragedy song.

The teenage tragedy song is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. It’s a sad song about a teenager or teenagers dying, generally either told from the perspective of the dead person’s sweetheart, the dead or dying person in question or a third party that serves as a witness to the events in the song. I myself am not a huge fan of this particular type of song, but I can kind of understand what people saw in these kinds of stories. Some people just like listening to sad songs and crying over them. (In that sense, I guess there might have been some truth to that Billy Ocean song I put on my worst of ’86 list.) Regardless, this type of song was really popular in the late ‘50s and early ‘60s, and I can kind of understand the appeal.

I bring all of this up because this next song would be classified as this particular style of song. Unfortunately, it’s also probably one of the worst examples of its genre.

#1. Patches (Dickey Lee) [74; 6; 11 weeks]

While my earlier stated distaste for doo-wop music might not be a good example of this, I really do try not to be too critical of genres of music I’m not familiar with or don’t particularly care for. Despite that, I honestly cannot understand what drew people to this particular song. When I first heard it, I was in shock, not because I was surprised by how good it was, which it is demonstrably not. When I say I was in shock, it was more the shock of horror, of a disturbing realization, like a character from a Lovecraft story catching a faint glimpse of one of the eldritch gods and it drives him beyond the point of madness. I’ve covered bad songs, I’ve covered lazy songs, I’ve covered stupid songs, but this just goes so far beyond all that it honestly kind of scares me.

Right then, enough putting this off; time to delve into the song itself. First off, let’s talk about the music to this song. Now, for something as heavy as death being covered in a song like this, you’d naturally want to go for something that evokes sadness, something that just serves as an emotional gut punch to the listener. ‘Patches,’ meanwhile, seems to opt for something less emotionally riveting and more…well, boring. The music to this song doesn’t make me want to cry; it makes me want to fall asleep. Not really helping matters is the rather jaunty tone this Dickey Lee guy brings to the song. Seriously, does this subject matter match up at all with that vocal performance? The guy sounds like he’s having a ball of a time telling this hilarious story…about how a teenager died.

Now, if these were the only problems I had with this song, I would probably feel less hate for it and merely dismiss it and not care about it. Whatever, it’s just a product of its time and you can’t really fault it for that, right? Well, now we have to get to the real root of the problem: the story itself. So, it’s basically about a guy that loves a girl from a poorer part of town. As a result his parents forbid him from pursuing a relationship with her. So, what does he do? He goes along with what his parents say and skips out on a date with the girl despite the fact that he claims to love her! Yeah, because that’s really how a teenager would behave in that situation! Rebellious attitudes? Pfft! Teenagers don’t have those; they always do what their parents say like mindless little drones! This entire thing just comes across as such a non-conflict that the writing has to force the character to go along with it for it to actually have impact.

Anyway, the next day the guy finds out that the girl committed suicide because she thought he didn’t love her anymore. What’s the solution he decides to come up with when he learns about this?

Patches, oh what can I do

I swear I’ll always love you

It may not be right

But I’ll join you tonight

Patches I’m coming to you

Holy shit, dude. In case it isn’t clear, this final segment of the song was what put it on the list. Say what you will about other teenage tragedy songs; at least they were trying to present decent messages like warning against drug use or describe actually tragic things like dying in an automobile accident, but this? I can’t be the only one seeing the issue here, can I? Maybe I should elaborate: what I get from this is that the narrator is fantasizing about killing himself to be reunited with his love that also killed herself. I’ve covered some stupid lyrical choices in these reviews in the past, but I can’t believe that someone would write a teenage tragedy song that’s meant to glorify the act of suicide! That’s not tragic, that’s not tear-jerking; that’s just horrifying!

It is rare that you come across a song with such a terrible message as this one. And to think a song like this placed in the top ten! What does that say about our society back in the early ‘60s? Did we just hate teenagers and want them to kill themselves? Were the parents back in those days just sadistic bastards? What was wrong with you, people of the ‘60s!? I just can’t believe a song like this one could even exist! This goes beyond insulting or condescending; this is just thoughtless and horrible! ‘Patches’ by Dickey Lee: the most horrifying and worst hit song of 1962.

Seriously though, what the hell were people thinking back then?