Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 1978

Hello again folks. It hasn’t been too long since I last talked about the ‘70s, but I figured I’d give this decade another look. When I examined 1974, a year I’d been told was the worst of the decade, I came to the conclusion that, if that was its worst, I wouldn’t need to worry about being disappointed by any other years from the ‘70s. That theory has not been disproven yet, as 1978 was also a very good year for music.

What was going on this year exactly? Well, the ‘Grease’ and ‘Saturday Night Fever’ soundtracks were tearing up the charts. Also, Elton John appeared on People Magazine without his trademark glasses, and guest starred on ‘The Muppet Show’. In addition, the Blues Brothers made their first appearance on ‘Saturday Night Live’, The Who drummer Keith Moon died of a drug overdose, Nancy Spungen, the girlfriend of former Sex Pistols bassist Sid Vicious, was found dead in a New York hotel room from a stab wound, and Alice Cooper, now sober, released ‘From the Inside’, an album about his stay in rehab.

As far as the music was concerned though, while this wasn’t a bad year by any stretch, there wasn’t much variety. Where 1976 offered a bit of diversity in its hits, disco dominated the charts in ’78. Fortunately, there weren’t more ‘Disco Duck’s that came out this year. In fact, I had a bit of trouble picking through all the hits just to get a full ten for this list. Most of the picks for the worst list required me to reach outside of the year-end hot 100, which was a pleasant surprise, since it meant that most of this year’s bad music left little impact. Speaking of which, let’s dive into that right now, starting with our dishonorable mentions:

Can We Still Be Friends (Todd Rundgren) [--; 29; 5 weeks]

Todd Rundgren sings this song with all the passion and intensity of a man about to pass out from sleep deprivation. He’d be lucky if his plea to remain friends with this person doesn’t bore them to tears. Also, I think it’s a little annoying that he’s the one saying they’re both to blame for things falling apart, like he doesn’t want to fully own up to the very likely possibility that it was his fault.

Chattanooga Choo Choo (Tuxedo Junction) [--; 32; 2 weeks]

I don’t have that many issues with this song. Mostly it made the list from being overly repetitious and wearing out on me rather quickly. Of course, this song was also part of a nearly twenty-minute long suite, so that didn’t really help matters.

(You’re My) Soul and Inspiration (Donny & Marie Osmond) [--; 38; 3 weeks]

Yep, Donny and Marie Osmond are being mentioned again. It’s bad enough that these two rarely, if ever, performed their own songs back in these days, but I’m especially infuriated that they chose to cover the Righteous Brothers, and one of their most successful songs too. Comparing the level of quality between these two versions is like comparing the elevation levels of Mt. Everest and the Mariana Trench. 

The Name of the Game (Abba) [97; 12; 9 weeks]

Not sure I even have coherent criticism of this song. You can blame my family for exposing me to ‘Mamma Mia’ one too many times, but I’ve developed an allergic reaction to Abba’s music now that I’ve revisited it. More than anything, I hate this song because it’s just so bland, to the point of being completely forgettable. Say what you want about Abba’s other songs; at least I remembered them!

Da Ya Think I’m Sexy (Rod Stewart) [--; 27; 3 weeks]

No!

Now then folks, come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me as we count down…

…THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF 1978!

#10.

Remember how my best of 1974 list featured artists that originally got big in the ‘60s and those taking cues from them? Well, as it happens, the complete opposite was the case for ‘78, as some artists from the previous decade didn’t put out top quality work this year. There could’ve been a number of factors for this, but the main recurring theme I noticed was that the songs they released didn’t achieve what they were going for. Take this for example:

#10. Wonderful Tonight (Eric Clapton) [--; 16; 7 weeks]

Those of you unfamiliar with guitarists from the mid-to-late ‘60s likely haven’t heard of this guy. Well, allow me to introduce you to Eric Clapton, former member of the Yardbirds, John Mayall & the Bluesbreakers, Cream, and Derek and the Dominos, and who also performed with the Plastic Ono Band, Delaney & Bonnie, and Vivian Stanshall and the Sean Head Showband. Though he’s mostly known for performing blues music, here he delivers a soft rock ballad, an attempt to show his more sensitive, romantic side.

In this song’s defense, it’s not a terrible idea on paper. Clapton is spending most of the song elevating the woman he’s with without it becoming a monumental ego trip, and offers details in areas where they would be needed. Also, there’s that guitar riff, which carries the song along and helps it stand out a little.

Despite this though, I just can’t get into this song at all. Where the lyrics and instrumentation are in the right places for the song to work, the thing that bothers me is the tone. Eric Clapton’s singing and the dreary atmosphere being presented make it seem like his statements about his wife looking good and him feeling fine just feel forced. This doesn’t sound like the kind of song one would want to hear at a party; it’s more like the dance for when the party’s long finished and you should’ve gone home by now.

This isn’t to say Eric Clapton can’t deliver a softer song well. ‘Tears in Heaven’, a song he would release fourteen years later, also had a melancholy tone, but that was deliberate and it felt sincere. It didn’t sound like the narrator was putting on a face and pretending to be something he wasn’t like ‘Wonderful Tonight’ does. That said, a mismatched tone isn’t the worst thing that a song can do, which is why this placed so low, but it can ruin what would otherwise have been an okay or even good song. Eric Clapton is a better performer than this, and I’d recommend giving the rest of this stuff a try, but skip over this if possible.

#9.

I feel like I sometimes overstep my boundaries as a critic. I always try to give an honest opinion about my thoughts on a song or artist, regardless of whether they differ from the views of the general public. So, knowing I have to put an artist like this one on this list is a little daunting for me, since she was apparently well loved at her peak. Let’s be honest though: she might’ve had her moment, but by 1978 that moment was gone.

#9. Prisoner (Love Theme from ‘Eyes of Laura Mars’) (Barbra Streisand) [--; 21; 6 weeks]

            While people may laugh at her singing voice now, Barbra Streisand was a decent singer in her own right back in the ‘60s. She had a smooth, sassy delivery that made more than a few of her songs fun to listen to and made her stand out as a singer. By the ‘70s, however, she seemed to try and do away with that and moved towards a more boring singing style that made her sound no different from anyone else at the time. If there’s a song in her catalogue that demonstrates that better than this one, I haven’t heard it.

            Maybe I’m the only one that feels this way about this song, but I just don’t understand what the appeal is supposed to be. It’s described as the love theme from the film ‘Eyes of Laura Mars’, but if there’s anything romantic about this song, I don’t feel it. Who would think of being in love and describe it as being a prisoner? The only people I can think of who would find that romantic are BDSM fetishists, and I’m not sure that’s the audience this song, or the movie, were trying to appeal to.

Not really helping matters is that this song doesn’t really play off of Barbra Streisand’s strengths as a singer. She’s good at being coy and assertive. Her early work won people over because that was where she was at her best. Love-stricken submission isn’t something she can pull off well. Even ignoring that, her voice isn’t powerful enough for a song like this. It requires someone with a voice that screams of desperation, not this half-assed performance that’s drowned out by the music and the background vocalists.

I’m sure some of you are going to make the excuse, “This song isn’t supposed to be romantic. After all, ‘Eyes of Laura Mars’ was hardly a romantic film, so it wouldn’t make sense for them to use it as such”. Then why did they call it “the love theme”? Also, the film does have a scene in it that would suggest a love song should be used there, and the song they use there isn’t this one! Barbra Streisand just wasn’t the right pick for a song like this. It doesn’t sound romantic, or even like a serious mental conflict is going on; it just sounds like a migraine!

#8.

When people discuss acts that transitioned between decades, this usually refers to ‘70s acts in the ‘80s, or ‘80s acts in the ‘90s. Very rarely do people discuss ‘60s acts transitioning into the ‘70s, but if there were one example that really shined with the decade shift, it would have to be the Bee Gees. The disco era was quite kind to these guys, giving them numerous #1 US hits, and probably greater success than they’d ever achieved previously. Of course, the Bee Gees had a sibling that also got into music in the ‘70s, and saw his greatest success during this period. Sadly, it’s not all good news.

#8. (Our Love) Don’t Throw It All Away (Andy Gibb) [--; 9; 10 weeks]

Andy Gibb was the younger brother to the members of the Bee Gees, though he started his own music career much later than they did. From what I can tell, while he accomplished much in his own right, he never managed to achieve the same level of success his brothers did, though this could be because he died young. Even so, he did have some good songs in him, though I would hardly label this one of them.

Let’s take a moment to examine his other songs and see what made them work. With ‘(Love Is) Thicker Than Water’, for example, he had an authoritative tone to his voice, particularly during the chorus, which gave the song that catchiness that worked for it. Then he had songs like ‘Shadow Dancing’, which had a fun energy to them that was prevalent in disco music.

So, that goes a long way to explain why this song doesn’t work. ‘(Our Love) Don’t Throw It All Away’ just feels weak and whispy, like a balloon. Actually, that comparison seems pretty accurate, since Gibb’s voice here sounds like the man’s deflating. Then you have the lyrics, which are a guy begging his love not to end their relationship. The problem is they don’t sound desperate, or even depressed; they sound detached from all sense of reality, like the guy hasn’t a care in the world.

I’m not a huge Andy Gibb fan, but I’ll recognize that he had some talent and quality in his music. Some of his songs were okay, and it’s a shame he died before he could properly evolve as an artist. Of course, even if he had lived I probably wouldn’t listen to his music, not if he’d gone on to make more schmaltz like this.

#7.

Pop music seems to have this natural inclination towards trying to sound “hot”. Sometimes it works, but in most cases, you get things like Rod Stewart asking if you think he’s sexy. Then you get things like this:

#7. You Never Done It Like That (The Captain & Tennille) [--; 10; 14 weeks]

As far as bad romance songs by the Captain & Tennille go, you could certainly do worse. This fortunately doesn’t reach the same level of disgusting detail hidden behind overly saccharine sweetness like ‘Muskrat Love’ did. Even so though, I can’t call this a good song by any stretch of the word.

The main problem is, as usual, Toni Tennille, who sounds like she’s had one too many drinks. She tries to go for this sultry performance, but it’s paired up with these uncomfortable, and even confusing details. “You know you made me ten feet tall”? “I’m on the ceiling”? “Hey look at me, I feel just like Columbus/I did discover you’re some kind of lover”? These are bizarre ways of talking about how good the sex you’re having is!

Even ignoring Tennille’s odd lyrical choices, this song just isn’t sexy. If anything, this sounds more like lounge music. It’s the kind of thing you’d put on to be background noise, not set up a seductive atmosphere for your best friend’s mom to try and hit on you!

Still, as far as songs about sex go, there have been worse, even within this decade. That said it doesn’t do anything to warrant playing it in place of other, better, hotter songs. If the Captain and Tennille were trying to take cues from the Carpenters, this was not the right move for them. Then again, I’m not sure what would’ve been the right move, considering their usual output. Moving along!

#6.

Wings wasn’t the worst thing created by a member of the Beatles, but it was the most pointless. Even the Plastic Ono Band could be justified in that it kick-started John Lennon’s solo career and helped launch the careers of a few other artists. I can’t think of a single thing Wings ever did to give itself worth, and that’s certainly not helped by their music not being that good.

#6. I’ve Had Enough (Wings) [--; 25; 5 weeks]

After Wings’ successful fifth album from 1976, Paul McCartney wanted the follow-up to have the same impact. Unfortunately, with his wife Linda becoming pregnant with their third child, the band was unable to tour and even had to resort to recording on a yacht in the Virgin Islands. To make matters worse, two members ended up leaving before the release of their sixth album’s first single. While said album and single started out strong, with the album peaking at #4 in the UK and #2 in the US, its staying power left much to be desired, with its subsequent singles not even cracking the UK top 40 or the US top 20.

If I had to take a guess, I’d assume it’s because the album wasn’t very good. At least, that’s the impression I got after listening to this. ‘I’ve Had Enough’ is one of McCartney’s angry singles, and to be fair he’s done decent ones in the past. Much to my disappointment though, this one doesn’t come across so much angry as it does just pissy and annoyed. From the lyrics, it sounds like the things he’s mad about are backseat drivers, people telling him to hurry up, and…donating to the military? I don’t even…

Speaking of things that baffle, what the hell happened to Paul McCartney’s voice? He sounds like he has a bad head cold! If he annunciates words enough that they’re comprehensible, it comes across as more coincidental than deliberate! The guitars sound fine, but one musical element isn’t enough to salvage a song that’s fallen flat on its face!

It doesn’t surprise me that this album, and their next and final album, wouldn’t perform nearly as well pretty much across the board except for perhaps in Germany. People seem to pin the lackluster presentation of Wings’ music on the keyboardist, but the truth is Paul McCartney was just quick to lose relevance after the disbanding of the Beatles. He was still successful, even after Wings also broke up, but something important was lost in his music.

#5.

I maintain that I like the disco genre. It’s had a mostly positive affect on pop music, despite what the naysayers think, and its resurgence in the mainstream today has resulted in some of the few good songs we’ve seen in the 2010s. Still, it’s not like I’m willing to give every disco tune I hear a pass. Just like any other genre, it can still be bad, awful even.

#5. MacArthur Park (Donna Summer) [--; 1; 15 weeks]

While there were plenty of artists of this genre that could make unquestionably good songs, I wouldn’t label Donna Summer one of them. Not everything she’s released is bad, but she doesn’t really add anything we couldn’t get from anyone else. I heard her first hit single, ‘Love to Love You Baby’, when I covered 1976, and I was not impressed. I realize funk and disco can be redundant at times, but good artists can stylize that repetition, work in just enough variation to make each line still sound unique. ‘Love to Love You Baby’ didn’t have that; it sounded exactly the same from beginning to end.

In her defense, Donna Summer’s cover of ‘MacArthur Park’ doesn’t entirely suffer from this problem. This song’s flaws are twofold, with the first being an out-of-place disco beat that doesn’t make me want to dance to it. It’s not even that fun; it’s too stiff, Summer’s performance seriously overdoes the melisma at points, and she always includes this unpleasant wail at the end of each chorus that sounds like she’s losing her mind. Maybe she is and maybe that’s the point of the song. Even so, why would you then suddenly use that to transition into the energetic dance melody?

This isn’t even touching on the other big problem with the song: the lyrics. Thematically, it talks about a failed relationship, which can be the basis for a decent song. The problem comes from the metaphor it’s using, which is to compare said relationship to a cake someone left out in the rain. I seriously didn’t want to picture a failed relationship and think of a ruined cake with the icing flowing off and everything. That’s not tragic; that’s just gross!

Actually, there are a number of unnecessary details in this song. She compares their love to “a hot fevered iron” against the “striped pair of pants” that I suppose represents them. Then she talks about a “yellow cotton dress foaming like a wave”. Then she mentions “birds like tender babies” and “old men playing Chinese checkers by the trees”. What do any of these things have to do with their love being like a melting cake in the rain?

Even if I could get into the mindset the lyrics and original tone of the song are trying to set, the upbeat instrumentation completely clashes with it. Does it want to be a tragic song about lost love or a fun song inviting the listener to dance? Either way, it fails at both. I’m sorry Donna Summer, but you can’t eat your cake and have it too.

#4.

You know how, with Bob Dylan, he made up for his sandpaper voice by being an amazing songwriter? Some artists are like that; they have one area that has a lot of focus put into it to compensate for their other, weaker traits. Few artists are able to cover all their bases well, so this approach isn’t a bad one. Of course, then you have cases like Randy Newman.

#4. Short People (Randy Newman) [41; 2; 10 weeks]

I realize it’s not exactly fair to pick on the guy that gave us ‘You Got a Friend In Me’, but as far as movie scores go, if John Williams is a Cirque du Soleil acrobatic, theatrical masterpiece, Randy Newman is a badly performed elementary school play about the four food groups. As a songwriter, he’s sloppy to the point that anyone singing his songs seems brain dead. So, I hope you’ll understand when I say the idea of him as a pop star leaves me less than enthused.

What surprises me most of all is that this was his only hit, despite being possibly his worst song. I’m not a fan of his Muppet voice on any of his other songs, and he’s not much better here. Also, while not nearly as “whimsical” as most of his other songs try to be, there are still elements of that poor attempt at enchantment that make me want to puke.

All of this is before we even get to the subject matter and tone of the song. Before people start jumping down my throat, I understand what the song’s trying to do. It’s a novelty song told from the perspective of a character that is prejudiced against short people to a ridiculous degree, kind of like a parody. Even so, Newman’s lyrics just sound juvenile, and it doesn’t have the charm or inspiration that good parody music possesses. The song doesn’t even list funny reasons for hating short people; the entire joke is “Ha ha, they’re little people so everything about them is little”.

In the man’s defense, it’s not the worst example of a song demonstrating non-comedy. It’s still stupid, uninspired, and annoyingly repetitive, but ultimately it’s not hurting anyone. It certainly didn’t deserve the amount of flack it got. Now wait a minute, Randy Newman writing a song poking fun at prejudice receives serious backlash and death threats, but Ray Stevens writing a song explicitly making fun of Arabs is a-okay? God, this world…

#3.

Speaking of comedy songs that aren’t funny…

#3. King Tut (Steve Martin and the Toot Uncommons) [--; 17; 7 weeks]

I don’t really consider myself much of a connoisseur of novelty music, but I do have my preferences. If a novelty song were going to focus on a historical figure, for example, some demonstration that the writer did their research would be appreciated. Barring that, if it feels unique, it gets a pass. That’s part of the reason why I’m pretty forgiving of things like Falco’s ‘Rock Me Amadeus’. If the novelty song only uses a historical figure’s name for the sake of telling a stupid joke, with no indication that the writer knew the slightest thing about them, then it fails.

For starters, there’s the instrumentation. The style of the song clearly sounds like it was going for something from the ‘60s, which doesn’t make much sense because Tutankhamen had nothing to do with the decade outside of the first traveling exhibition of a substantial number of his artifacts taking place during the decade. Even then, the only truly “Egyptian” theme there is to the production is the stereotypical Egyptian jingle at the beginning of the song. Also, it fits even less when you consider the lyrics, which talk about funk and disco, which this song is demonstrably not.

Speaking of the lyrics, let’s talk about those next. The song was apparently written as a caricature of the Treasures of Tutankhamen traveling exhibit, which toured the United States from 1976 to 1979. However, it mentions Arizona and Babylonia, which doesn’t fit with the theme of the song because no place called ‘Arizona’ had any relation to Tutankhamen, and unless he established some kind of relations with them during his rule, he had no connection to the Babylonians either. It also mentions him dancing, which I highly doubt he ever did considering his birth defects as a result of being born from incest, and various infections and injuries he sustained during his life.

I don’t want to give the impression that I hate all novelty music. Weird Al, Jonathan Coulton, Flight of the Concords, They Might Be Giants; I like these acts! Those acts use comedy as a means to make the listener think about the joke and still have it hold up. Steve Martin, meanwhile, came up with a stupid joke that didn’t have any connection to the subject of his song and thought that was funny. I guess it’s fitting that this song is about an Egyptian pharaoh, because it deserves to be left inside a tomb to mummify.

#2.

I feel horrendous about putting a song by this artist on the list. I’m not a fan, but I can at least respect the milestones she set. However, this is meant to be an honest list, and I honestly do hate this song.

#2. Ooh Baby Baby (Linda Ronstadt) [--; 10; 8 weeks]

Linda Ronstadt is an American pop and country music singer. While originally the lead singer for the Stone Poneys, their record executives were quick to move Ronstadt into the spotlight as a solo performer. She is noteworthy for being the first major touring female artist, the first female artist to score three consecutive platinum albums, ultimately racking up eight, and the most successful female singer of the 1970s.

‘Living in the USA’ was the second biggest album of her career, and featured this song as the biggest hit off the album. I have no idea why though, because there’s nothing substantial about it. Most of Linda Ronstadt’s material prior to this at least had energy and life. ‘Ooh Baby Baby’ just sounds like the listener’s trying to lull me to sleep.

To be fair, the lyrics do try to paint a picture of the situation in the song. That situation is that the narrator cheated on her lover, feels bad about it, it’s implied that their relationship’s over, and she wants to try and fix things between them someday. There are a number of little things in here that piss me off. The idea of someone viewing love as a “game” just makes me feel disgusted. You’re talking about making a game out of people’s emotions; that’s just awful! Then there’s the second verse and its use of the “I’m only human” excuse for cheating, which is becoming a real pet peeve for me. It’s made even worse by the line, “You’ve made mistakes too”. Yes, the fact that he cheated on her is bad, but two wrongs don’t make a right lady!

Do I think this song reflects the kind of work Linda Ronstadt made as a whole? No. I think she was a perfectly fine artist and has made some decent songs in her career. If not for her, the generations of the ‘70s, ‘80s, and ‘90s might never have heard of Buddy Holly, Chuck Berry, or Elvis Costello. I just feel like this isn’t one of her best pieces of work. If you disagree, that’s fine. Keep listening to the song; enjoy it. Just don’t go trying to make me like it because that’s not going to happen.

#1.

Okay, all the songs up until this point have been relatively obscure and chances are those reading might’ve never heard of them prior to reading this list. People will recognize this next song though, and probably want to murder me for putting it on here, let alone right at the top. However, this is my list, and like anyone, I have my own opinions about things and you’re free to disagree with them. With that said, I present my choice for the worst hit song from 1978:

#1. Summer Nights (John Travolta & Olivia Newton-John) [69; 5; 12 weeks]

Look, I understand that ‘Grease’ is considered a classic, but that doesn’t mean its songs hold up years later. People seem incredibly forgiving of John Travolta as a singer. That’s how we ended up with, not one, not two, but three top ten hits from the guy. I, however, am not one to overlook poor quality when it runs its nails across a chalkboard. So let me just state with complete certainty that the man can’t sing to save his life.

Of course, it’s not just John Travolta whose singing drags this song down. No, it’s the supporting cast’s vocals that truly shatter the atmosphere. I understand that their accents are supposed to help set the tone and setting of the film, but all I hear are a bunch of off-key voices trying desperately to stay in tune, and they always come in during the chorus, so you hear them multiple times during the song. It’s worst at the end of the song, when John Travolta’s ear splitting falsetto is immediately followed by about a dozen voices screeching like a colony of bats in a room full of moths.

If there is any saving grace to this song, it’s Olivia Newton-John, who is the only one who sounds like she can sing. She’s not great, but she’s at least passable, which is more than can be said of anyone else. The problem is that she’s woefully unprepared to function as the only source of support to a damp, moldy house of a tune that is just minutes away from collapsing on itself. It’s for these reasons that ‘Summer Nights’ from ‘Grease’ is my choice for the worst hit song from 1978. 

Top 5 Best & Worst Barenaked Ladies Songs

Hey folks. Let’s take a moment to talk about the ‘90s. With the rise of the grunge movement, it dealt the killing blow to the trends of the ‘80s and seemed to bring about the changes people needed. Unfortunately, with the death of Kurt Cobain, that didn’t continue. After that happened, grunge just didn’t know how to keep itself in the mainstream for very long, instead being superseded by the seemingly endless number of silly, stupid genres that rose to replace it, as well as the still-popular alternative rock scene. Somewhere in the middle of these two movements is where you’ll find Barenaked Ladies.

            Originally from Canada, Barenaked Ladies saw incredible success in 1998 with their first and biggest American hit single, ‘One Week’. However, they had seen greater success prior to this in Canada, with two previous albums charting in the top 10 on the Canadian albums chart. They even had another hit song in America two years later, and have continued releasing records at a respectable pace, including a collaboration album they released with The Persuasions earlier this year.

            The material they’ve released has been varied, but they tend to be a pretty jokey band. That might be their greatest strength and their greatest weakness as a group: their refusal to take themselves too seriously. That’s not to say they can’t release more somber material, though that’s not entirely what they’re known for. They tend to write songs with nods to every day life, some jokes thrown in there, a laid-back attitude and occasionally some pop culture references. So today, we’re going to be looking through the band’s work, both the highest peaks and the deepest lows.

            Prepare yourselves folks, because I think never is enough; yeah, never is enough. None of us will ever want to listen through…

…THE TOP 5 WORST BARENAKED LADIES SONGS!

            #5.

            I’ve said this before, but there are some acts where you know what they’re equipped to perform and what would be outside of their wheelhouse. Occasionally one can diversify and adapt their persona to fit a specific genre, style, or subject matter, but in some cases, it’s best if they don’t stray too far from what they know.

            #5. She’s On Time (Stunt)

            ‘Stunt’ was Barenaked Ladies’ most successful album, being their first to chart in the top 5 outside of Canada and their highest charting album in the US. Some would probably label it as their best work, or at least their best of the time. As for me personally, I felt like the album started out strong but weakened as the songs progressed.

            Take this song as an example; it’s a song about sex. That’s not necessarily a bad thing; if a band wants to write a sex jam, that’s their decision. Even so though, they need to demonstrate that they’re capable of handling a subject matter like this with some level of maturity and nuance. Barenaked Ladies don’t exactly possess those things in regards to getting it on. They’re goofballs; they can’t properly capture the idea of being sexy, especially in regards to the act of reproduction for the sake of having a child. If that’s your thing, nothing against you, but Billy Paul these guys are not.

            Even ignoring the subject matter, this song gets obnoxious terribly quickly. The song progression is stiff and wooden like a fence, the nursery rhyme melody grinds on my nerves, and good God, that chorus. This is probably one of the band’s most repetitious songs to date. The phrase “She’s on time” is repeated throughout the song forty-five times, and not once does it sound natural. They might as well be reciting bland, everyday things like “brush your teeth” or “read a book”.

            This placed low on the list because, at the end of the day, it still feels like a complete song. The same can definitely not be said of most of the other songs on this list. Even so, this is still a disappointment considering this same album also gave us songs like ‘Alcohol’, ‘Call and Answer’, and ‘One Week’. Skip it if at all possible.

            #4.

            During a period between 2003 and 2008, Barenaked Ladies just kept pumping out record after record, releasing at least one or two per year. In this time frame they released three studio albums, three themed or topical albums, two EPs, their iTunes Originals, and two live albums. Even some of the greatest acts of all time would have trouble maintaining quality with a release schedule as tight as this. If you really want to know how bad it got, this next song was off of their seventh studio album, released in 2006.

            #4. Vanishing (Barenaked Ladies Are Me)

            ‘Barenaked Ladies Are Me’ represents a significant shift for the band, since it was the first full-length original-material album they released following their decision to become an independent group. In a lot of cases, separating from the record studio can be a mixed bag. On one hand, you have more artistic freedom, but on the other hand you lose some of your funding and support. Furthermore, you don’t have studio hacks breathing down your neck saying what songs you should release and what you should shelve. I can’t think of any other excuse as to how this thing made the cut aside from the band dropping their standards.

It pains me to put a song like this on the list, because, if nothing else, it demonstrates that the band is capable of having other members perform the lead vocals besides Steven Page and Ed Robertson. Or at least it would have if Kevin Hearn had put any soul into this performance! He sounds half-asleep throughout this entire song! It’s like he was dragged out of bed, forced into the studio and told to sing the first thing that came to his head!

            It’s especially disappointing because we have yet another song about magic and mysticism that’s painfully bland. It brings up some of the least imaginative imagery they could’ve thought of for this song. In all fairness though, they at least tried harder than the Steve Miller Band did, but that doesn’t excuse it. “He’s floating upside-down below a chandelier”? “He whispers them each night into a lion’s ear”? “Under the stage lights at the Bellagio”? Also, what are the themes of magic and vanishing supposed to be referring to? These lyrics are way too vague!

            This isn’t the worst song the band released around this time. I’d probably argue it’s not even the blandest of the bunch. It did come close though, and considering this was coming from a band as lively and excitable as Barenaked Ladies, this was a monumental letdown.

            #3.

            Since one Barenaked Ladies song about sex wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable enough, why not go for two?

            #3. In the Car (Stunt)

            Yes, believe it or not ladies and gentlemen, ‘Stunt’ featured two sex songs on it. Although, for the record, I think this one is many times worse than ‘She’s On Time’. This sounds less like a completed song and more like a scrapped idea that should’ve been tossed out.

            Okay, I guess I’ll need to correct myself: this isn’t specifically a song about sex. Instead, it’s a song about all the things the pair in the relationship is doing in the car because they can’t be bothered to have sex. As bad as ‘She’s On Time’ was, at least the couple was actually getting it on.

It doesn’t even sound like they’re doing these things because they’re not ready for that next step; it just sounds like the guy is incredibly pissy. He’s so disinterested in this relationship that he fantasizes about sleeping with the girl’s mom instead of the girl. He doesn’t even seem to care if she finds out about it. He mentions the possibility with the most laid-back tone that conveys no sense of shame at all.

Of course, the worst part about the song is that it’s not remotely sexy. Again, Barenaked Ladies aren’t exactly the band I play when I want to get it on. Even if the detached, spiteful tone of the song fit the subject matter, it isn’t what I want to hear from this band. What’s even the point of this song? I’ll say this much: in the car, I’m most definitely not listening to this.

            #2.

            I feel like I don’t enjoy the holidays as much as I used to. Part of the reason for that is the whole commercial aspect of it, especially in the music. Everything about Christmas music feels calculated and like it only exists to fill out a quota. Even ignoring that, lately most artists’ covers of classic holiday songs just don’t tend to be very good or even memorable. But what could be worse than ruining one beloved Christmas song? How about ruining two?

            #2. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen/We Three Kings (Barenaked for the Holidays)

            This spot very nearly went to Barenaked Ladies’ cover of ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’. I still think that song is terrible, but ultimately, I felt like the song’s badness couldn’t be pinned on the band; it’s terrible enough by itself. This one, however, the instant I heard it, I knew immediately that I hated it.

            As the title suggests, it’s a combination of two different songs about Christmas, specifically focusing on the birth of Christ. The problem comes from the fact that neither of them have anything to do with each other. ‘God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen’ is presumably told from the perspective of a random person, possibly a priest, to the listener. ‘We Three Kings’, on the other hand, is told from the perspective of the three wise men. This is the same problem I had with Israel Kamakawiwo’ole’s combination of ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’ and ‘What a Wonderful World’: it’s taking two different songs with clashing perspectives and stitching them ass to ass with no context.

            If they’d managed to present it with an enjoyable tone that’d be one thing. Unfortunately, it’s presented with all the light, excitability of grandma’s funeral. Not helping matters is the fact that they got Sarah McLachlan sharing lead vocals with Ed Robertson, and the two do not gel well at all. To top it all off, it’s a white-guy-with-acoustic-guitar song. The result is that it sounds like a clumsy, folksy rendition of songs that don’t really lend themselves to folk music reimagining. They just sound sad and unpleasant to listen to.

            I wouldn’t quite label this as the worst Christmas song I’ve heard, but it ranks pretty high up there. Every second of this is like a dull, unenthused drill boring a hole in my skull. It’s the worst song the Barenaked Ladies released during their mid-career period of making way too many albums way too quickly. All that in mind though, they had one song worse than this.

            #1.

            I wish I could say my #1 was a particularly noteworthy song. I guess that’s the nature with lists like these: when no filter is put up to divide the album filler from the solid tracks, the two will end up being lumped together. Still, poor quality material should be recognized as such, regardless of how it’s classified.

            #1. Little Tiny Song (Maybe You Should Drive)

            Some of you are probably saying, “Wait a second, this shouldn’t count! That song’s only like a minute long!” It doesn’t matter; a song’s length shouldn’t be an excuse to exclude it from the list. If the song is short but still has elements that make it serve a purpose, it didn’t place on the list. If a song is short for no reason and doesn’t contribute anything, then it’s terrible.

            Most of Barenaked Ladies’ shorter songs at least gave the impression that they had a germ of an interesting idea in them somewhere. There’s no such presentation here. This isn’t so much a “little, tiny song” as it is barely a song at all! This is less than twelve percent of a song; this isn’t even a concept! This is even apparent in the instrumentation, which consists of a single piano part, one person singing and that’s it! It’s not even a very complicated piano performance either; I could play this!

            That leaves us with the lyrics, which don’t function much better. There’s barely enough words to fill out a single verse, with two lines repeated, and the lyrics don’t add up to mean anything. They are as follows:

Hey I’m a cow, I’m curious

Hey watch me now, I’m furious

Hey I’m a cow, I’m full of hate

Hey watch me now, I’m on your plate

            The song’s not even long enough to establish a concise message. All we get is what sounds like a terribly brief transition through the life of a cow. Also, what do the parts about being “furious” and “full of hate” have to do with anything? Is the cow’s curiosity pissing it off to the point that it develops hatred towards everything? Was it planning on starting a mass-cow revolution against the farmers? Is that why it’s now on my plate? What was it curious about? Why a cow?

            I have little reason to believe they chose these lyrics for any reason other than the rhyme scheme. So, I guess the defense can be made that some effort went into this. That said, considering the lyrics make no sense, the instrumentation is as minimal as one can get, and the song is barely over a minute in length, I can’t help but wonder if that effort was worth it. It’s for this reason that I am labeling this as the worst song the Barenaked Ladies have ever released.

            Now that we’ve taken out the trash, let’s see if these next few songs are truly great or too little, too late. We’re counting down…

…THE TOP 5 BEST BARENAKED LADIES SONGS!

            #5.

            I was pretty harsh on ‘Stunt’ with the worst list, so let’s take a moment to focus on some of the areas where that album worked well, such as here:

            #5. Call and Answer (Stunt)

            Considering the number of goofy, pop-y songs that Barenaked Ladies have released, it’s kind of surprising to see them handle a more somber one well. Yet I can’t think of any song that better reflects the band’s diversity than this one. ‘Call and Answer’ is their softer, more sensitive side that they’re pulling out to show that, while they are still clowns, they can be serious.

            The subject matter for this song is surprisingly heavy, focusing on a relationship after things have fallen apart. The lyrics describe how, despite the fact that it didn’t work out, the narrator is still willing to answer when the other person calls and pick her up when she falls. That’s not a level of maturity you hear in break-up songs nowadays, except maybe from Adele. Yet despite this, the narrator insists that the woman he’s addressing be willing to rebuild and shoulder her share of the baggage.

            The instrumentation is surprisingly strong too. It starts out fairly simple, with just the guitar and drums. However, as the song progresses, the intensity slowly builds on itself. It’s also a nice presentation of front man Steven Page’s vocal chops. He performs all the vocals on this song by himself; the overlapping vocals, the harmonies, the call-and-response chorus, all of them.

            This was the final single off of ‘Stunt’, and it’s a damned shame that it wasn’t a hit, because it’s one of the best songs off of the album. It was a bigger hit in Canada though, peaking in the top ten, making it one of the band’s most successful songs in their native country. ‘Call and Answer’: a clear sign that Barenaked Ladies can be just as, if not more grown-up than most mainstream pop music of today.

            #4.

            Now, let’s see how the band handles the same subject matter, but playing a little more loosely.

            #4. Enid (Gordon)

            When you think of early Barenaked Ladies songs, what are usually the ones that come to mind? ‘If I Had $1,000,000’ and ‘Be My Yoko Ono’ perhaps? Or maybe ‘Brian Wilson’? For me, this is the song that I think of when I’m asked about the best of the band’s early work.

            Of their early songs, ‘Enid’ probably has some of their more complex production. To begin with, this is one of their few songs to feature a horn section, which is credited to ‘The Jimmy Crack Horns’, since they tended to give silly names to outside musicians that performed on their songs. It also features pedal steel guitar and a cuica, and it opens with a pastiche of Depeche Mode.

            Of course, what really works in this song’s favor are the lyrics and subject matter. ‘Enid’ is about a guy trying to get back with an ex he broke up with at fifteen, who he still isn’t over yet despite it being years later. Even with the guy’s passion about reuniting with the titular ex though, he also demonstrates comedic laziness as well. For example, he considers various things he could do to try and win her back, such as getting a job so he can pay the phone bills, cutting his hair, and working overtime. Ultimately though, he decides that he doesn’t want to do any of these things.

            Considering this was off of the band’s first album, ‘Gordon’, I’d say it was an impressive way for the band to finally make a name for themselves. They may have had other songs prior to this that have become more closely associated with them, but as far as I’m concerned, this was the song that put them on the map, in Canada at least. As for the song that made them big internationally, we’ll be getting to that later.

            #3.

            2009 was a difficult year for Barenaked Ladies. With the departure of Steven Page, they needed to find a way to carve out a new identity for themselves without him. They sort of pulled this off with their 2010 album ‘All In Good Time’, but it was by far not a perfect record. Most of its strengths could be attributed to its lead single, and such a mindset would not be entirely inaccurate.

            #3. You Run Away (All In Good Time)

            I personally feel like ‘All In Good Time’ is underrated. Most of the songs from that album were pretty good, and while it didn’t fully help the band step out of Steven Page’s shadow, it at least set them along the path to doing so. Of course, ‘You Run Away’ was right at the forefront of that path, as it is easily the best song off of the album.

            As you might’ve guessed, this song was partially inspired by Page’s departure, and the lyrics reflect that for the most part. They speak of separation, distance and a disconnection between the narrator and the person he’s trying to reach out to. Ed Robertson’s vocal delivery presents the idea of loss and confusion, wanting desperately to reestablish what they had, but knowing deep down that such might not be possible.

            The instrumentation matches the tone fairly well, carrying a very melancholic feel and complimenting Robertson’s vocals nicely. Something about this song is very reminiscent of early Coldplay, and I mean that in a good way. Of course, I don’t think Coldplay would’ve written something this direct in its message.

            If nothing else, this song shows just how much Barenaked Ladies had grown as a band. They might have lost one of their founding members, but they still had enough creative ideas to make up for that, to a certain extent. Of course, for the song that truly saw that untapped potential realized…

            #2.

            That brings us to the band’s 2013 album, the one that fully helped Barenaked Ladies stand on their own without the cloud of Steven Page’s departure hanging over their heads. I am, of course, talking about ‘Grinning Streak’.

            #2. Odds Are (Grinning Streak)

            This was actually a difficult choice for me, since there were quite a few songs off of this album I liked. It was kind of a toss between this, the Mark Endert remix of ‘Boomerang’ and ‘Did I Say That Out Loud?’ regarding which song would make it on this list. In the end though, I had to go with the one that most elevated my mood just from listening to it, the one that had the most iconic sound to it, the one that most made me think of classic Barenaked Ladies, and ‘Odds Are’ covers all these bases and more.

            Lyrically, the song discusses various ways in which people could die, such as being struck by lightning or hit by a train. It presents them with a comedic edge though, and points out that, while those are possibilities, the chances of them happening are still small. It even points out that there’s a greater possibility of falling in love and, ultimately, the chances are even more likely that things will be alright. Considering how pessimistic the outlook of the world has become lately, it’s nice to hear something reassuring like this.

            That leaves the instrumentation and production. All the little elements in this song help contribute to the whole: the guitar licks, the handclaps during the verses, the background vocals during the chorus, the piano line, and of course, there’s Ed Robertson’s vocal performance. A song like this is balancing a fine line between being funny and being serious, and Robertson walks that line effortlessly. When he says that everything’s going to be alright, I completely believe him.

            It’s a damn shame this didn’t chart outside of Canada, because considering how dour and lifeless pop music was sounding at the time, we could’ve definitely used a song like this. Sadly, Barenaked Ladies’ follow-up album ‘Silverball’ didn’t really have the same charm that this brought to their previous album, but it’s at least a sign that they might still be able to recapture the magic of their early years. Speaking of which…

            #1.

            Chances are most of you have already guessed what the #1 song for this list is. What can I say? I’m just predictable sometimes.

            #1. One Week (Stunt)

            I realize this comes across as a bit narrow-minded of me. The American pop music reviewer is naming a Canadian band’s biggest American hit as his favorite song of theirs. That said I wouldn’t have put this song on this list if I didn’t think it belonged here.

Thematically, the song is about a fight between a man and a woman. The guy seems to realize that he’s in the wrong but is trying to save face. Normally, I would find this kind of song insufferable, but the lyrics are presented with this bouncy, lighthearted tone that makes it easy to overlook that the guy’s not very good about owning up to his mistakes.

Of course, what everyone’s probably expecting me to talk about are the verses, performed by Ed Robertson. They are ridiculous and have nothing to do with the song’s theme, but they might be the best parts of the song. Robertson stated that he wanted to write a rap verse but his attempts at doing so failed. So, Steven Page suggested he just improvised as they usually did onstage. The result is a collection of ridiculous pop culture references, including LeAnn Rimes, ‘X-Files’, Harrison Ford, Snickers, Akira Kurosawa, and ‘Sailor Moon’. Where most attempts at dropping these kind of references would seem pointless and annoying, Robertson’s delivery presents that he’s not doing it just for the sake of attention or trying to be trendy, but because he’s simply enjoying himself.

‘One Week’ perfectly encapsulated everything that Barenaked Ladies were doing right as a band: it’s catchy, it doesn’t take itself too seriously, and, most importantly, it’s fun. Their early work might have been what established their formula, but it was this song that perfected it. There’s nothing else I can say about it, honestly; it’s one of the best songs of the late ‘90s, and easily the best song by Barenaked Ladies.

Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 1993

I’m not going to lie, folks; this was a difficult year for me to talk about. I wouldn’t necessarily label 1993 as a bad year. Plenty of good music still came out, and I can certainly see myself going back to some of the good tracks I’ll be listing below. That said, I couldn’t say the music from this year felt all that big or grand.

Apparently this was a problem with the early ‘90s, even when the decade officially started. The ‘80s sound had died off by this point and, while newer artists made music that fit the times more smoothly, older acts seemed to seriously struggle, especially those from the hair metal crowd. It was a rough start to the decade, to say the least.

Still, while the good music hasn’t stuck around like songs from other years have, I think they deserve some recognition. After all, regardless of a song’s cultural significance, quality should still be recognized. So, let’s dive into those songs now, starting with our honorable mentions:

That’s the Way Love Goes (Janet Jackson) [4; 1; 20 weeks]

What Mariah Carey is for soul and pop, Janet Jackson is for hip-hop and R&B. When she sings, it sounds second nature to her, and conveys her love of making music. ‘That’s the Way Love Goes’ has a very sexual tone to it, and Janet matches that with a very sensual, seductive vocal performance that fits the song well. It’s helped by excellent production provided by Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis, the same men that produced ‘Nasty’. Considering this song was following off the heels of her ‘Rhythm Nation 1814’ album, this was an impressive follow up.

Everything’s Gonna Be Alright (Father MC ft. Jodeci) [--; 37; 1 week]

I feel like Father MC is a criminally underappreciated rapper. He’s best known for introducing the public to R&B acts Jodeci and Mary J. Blige. This isn’t one of his most popular tracks, but when you had party songs like Robin S.’s ‘Show Me Love’ or hip hop tracks like ‘Whoomp! (There It Is)’ to compare it to, I’d take this. Still though, this wasn’t the best hip-hop party song to chart this year.

Dreams (Gabrielle) [--; 29; 3 weeks]

I wasn’t old or attentive enough to the pop charts in the ‘90s to remember the British pop from that time, but I can appreciate the music from that time now that I’m older. You wouldn’t catch any singers performing a song like this after Simon Cowell was through with them. Gabrielle’s beautiful, reserved vocal performance perfectly matches the equally lovely production that carries this song. This was her first single too, and her only hit in the US, because we can’t have nice things.

Linger (The Cranberries) [--; 16; 7 weeks]

Speaking of acts from the UK, this is probably one of the subtler bands on this list. This was Irish band the Cranberries’ first and only top 10 hit in the US. It describes a scenario where the narrator seems to be trapped in a relationship where the other person sounds like he doesn’t care about her. I mean, she saw him holding another girl’s hand and he apparently lies to her all the time. Still, as far as alternative rock goes, I’d take this over Sheryl Crow any day of the week.

What’s My Name? (Snoop Doggy Dogg) [--; 8; 5 weeks]

I know that Snoop Dogg’s basically untouchable at this point, but with the amount of crap he’s been associating himself with lately, it seems to become harder to remember that, when he started out, he was a good artist. This song not only demonstrates his skills as a rapper, but Dr. Dre’s as a producer. The sample used from George Clinton’s ‘Atomic Dog’ and the interpolation from Parliament’s ‘Give Up the Funk’ are used to great effect, and as one of the first tracks in the gangsta rap genre, it is a welcome addition to the pop charts.

Now then, I know you’re fed up, folks, but keep your heads up as we count down…

…THE TOP 10 BEST HIT SONGS OF 1993!

#10.

As far as ‘80s artists that transitioned into the ‘90s, Michael Jackson’s shift seemed to go relatively smoothly. Granted, his sound didn’t change all that much, but his newer material managed to transcend the decade divide and netted him several successful hits off of his then-latest album ‘Dangerous’. Some of these hits mainly charted because they were featured in Jackson’s Super Bowl XXVII Halftime Show, but others gained success on their own strengths.

#10. Who Is It (Michael Jackson) [--; 14; 10 weeks]

Technically, this song was released as a single in the UK in 1992, but it wasn’t released in America until March of 1993. Michael never performed the song at any of his world concert tours, which is kind of understandable. Compared to most of his other well-known songs, this one’s success was pretty lackluster. Even so, I wouldn’t call this a failure of a song by any stretch.

Many critics have stated that it was pretty much a copy of ‘Billie Jean’ from his ‘Thriller’ album ten years prior, and it basically is. Michael’s controlled vocals at the beginning building up to the chorus, the softer music that doesn’t overpower those, the lyrics talking about past relationships; this song is pretty much just ‘Billie Jean ‘93’. Still, I can understand why Michael would want to remake that song; it’s still regarded as one of the best he’s ever released to this day.

In all fairness, it’s not a complete recreation; there are still some differences. The most noteworthy is the subject matter and tone. Where ‘Billie Jean’ was about a woman claiming that Michael Jackson was her baby’s father, ‘Who Is It’ is about a lover cheating on him, while he demands to know with whom. The realization of his lover’s unfaithfulness leaves him in confusion and despair as he desperately tries to guess the identity of the man she cheated with. Michael’s vocal performance matches that sense of loss and pain that he’s trying to convey, and the chorus certainly adds to that.

This song probably would’ve charted a bit higher if not for the similarities to ‘Billie Jean’. I personally feel like Michael should’ve put a bit more effort into his songwriting than to just rip off himself. That said I couldn’t bring myself to hate on this. Michael Jackson being unoriginal was still better than some of the worst acts from this year at their most artistically creative.

#9.

Okay, I’m almost certain I’ll be getting flack for this one, but hear me out…

#9. I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That) (Meat Loaf) [36; 1; 14 weeks]

Let me just start by saying I get why people don’t like this song. The ambiguity of the lyrics is pretty frustrating, and the dramatic reveal of what he wouldn’t do for love just feels like kind of a given in any relationship. Also, there’s the “sex and drums and rock ‘n’ roll” line, which…yeah, that was incredibly stupid. This song almost didn’t make the list entirely because of that one line.

So, if this song has all these problems, how can I justify liking it? Well, there are a few things. To begin with, I love the instrumentation for this song. At twelve minutes, the whole thing feels incredibly flabby at points, but while the lyrics can be tedious, the production manages to take those twelve minutes and makes the most of them. It slows down at all the moments it needs to, it picks up the tempo at the big, bombastic parts and, most importantly, it sets the atmosphere for the song well.

While the individual lyrics can reach fairly deep into the realms of cheese, I can appreciate the message behind them. It’s a song about long-term commitment and not doing anything to render the relationship meaningless. As Jim Steinman put it, it’s about how the narrator “won’t stop doing beautiful things” and “won’t do bad things”. It’s a corny sentiment when you lay it out like that, but Meat Loaf’s vocal performance sells it. Every note sounds like he’s putting his all into them, as is expected from a Meat Loaf song.

Look, I’ll understand if you disagree with me on this. It’s partially based on my personal opinion after all, so I’m not expecting everyone to like this song just because I do. Also, I will concede that there are many songs better than this one, even from this year. At the same time though, there were also ones that were a whole lot worse.

#8.

Now here’s a song that I’m sure most of you will recognize, and in a good way.

#8. What Is Love (Haddaway) [82; 11; 14 weeks]

This might be my first time talking at length about German pop music. Haddaway is a Trinidadian-German musician who, like many European crossover acts, saw greater success in his native country. He was also surprisingly successful in Austria, Finland, Switzerland and the UK. Unfortunately, he’s only known for his debut hit song in America.

It’s fitting that Haddaway is a Eurodance artist. The genre originated in central Europe, particularly Germany, and he released this song around the time it was starting to gain popularity in the United States. Considering house music was in at the time, it fit right in, and it was probably one of the best of such songs of its time. Its upbeat dance track and soulful vocals stood out against the more stripped-down adult-alternative and gave it a sense of dignity and intelligence that pop rap tended to lack.

Of course, that just leaves the lyrics and subject matter. The song describes how the narrator is in love with someone who doesn’t love him back. Considering my own poor experience in romantic relationships, this speaks to me. It doesn’t even just sound like a mere sexual attraction either; the guy is infatuated by this other person, and it tears him apart that she doesn’t share his feelings. Furthermore, unlike Positive K, he doesn’t try to brag his way into this girl’s pants either; he sounds like he’s at an all-time low because of this.

I’m not going to pretend I don’t know why Haddaway hasn’t seen as much success in America; it’s because his other songs sounded too similar to this one. There’s some variation here or there, but for the most part he seemed to be recycling this one song idea. It’s even reached the point that he remade this exact song over and over just with different production. Granted, it’s not like it’s a bad song to try and recreate; I’m certainly not complaining, but it’s a shame that he had such a limited artistic vision. Still, this song wins my approval.

#7.

1993 saw a lot of film themes making the pop charts. Between the ‘Free Willy’ theme and half the soundtrack to ‘The Bodyguard’, this year was apparently incredibly good for movie tracks. This next song was, not just the weirdest of this bunch, but also one of the weirdest charting songs period.

#7. I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) (The Proclaimers) [27; 3; 16 weeks]

The Proclaimers were a pretty bizarre act. They consisted of twin brothers Craig and Charlie Reid and released music that was too odd to exist in the mainstream but not odd enough to be hipster. Not helping matters was the fact that they tended to dress like colossal dorks. Even so, I don’t mind their music, and I think ‘I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)’ might be my favorite song by them.

Instrumentally, the song’s pretty basic. It’s somewhere between celtic, folk and college rock, and the sound matches nicely with the pair’s voices. Those accents blend well with a more folky sounding song; they work to its advantage by making it sound more earnest, if a bit more ridiculous.

Of course, the main selling points for me are the lyrics. The structure is also fairly rudimentary; the verses go as follows: “If I do X, well I know I’m gonna be, I’m gonna be the man who does X for you”. The chorus isn’t any more complicated:

But I would walk 500 miles

And I would walk 500 more

Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles

To fall down at your door

Even so, the simplicity of the song’s message is also a plus. The fact that it’s a love song and not, say, an “I wanna have sex with you” song makes the ridiculousness of the lyrics and the Reid brothers’ voices add to the idea that they believe every word they’re saying. They aren’t putting on airs of pretentiousness like Spin Doctors did.

The rest of the Proclaimers’ music is a surprisingly good listen also. They didn’t vary their sound all that often, but I don’t think they needed to. If they’d tried to change themselves to match trends more, they likely wouldn’t have lasted that long or sounded as good. I can respect them for staying true to themselves and maintaining their artistic integrity, something you don’t see a lot of bands doing that often anymore.

#6.

Remember Peter Gabriel’s ‘Sledgehammer’? That was a rather impressive song and video, wasn’t it? 1986 saw the release of his fifth studio album, ‘So’, which to this date is still one of his best selling records. It took him six years to release a follow-up, and there was no way it could possibly measure up to that album. But goddamn if it didn’t come close.

#6. Steam (Peter Gabriel) [--; 32; 5 weeks]

This wasn’t the lead single off of Peter Gabriel’s sixth studio album, ‘Us’, but it was the one that saw the most success between the two. Before people ask, no, this song isn’t as good as ‘Sledgehammer’. You can certainly see echoes of it in this song though, even in the video, which is kind of a mess honestly. That said, I think the song stands well enough in its own right.

Let’s focus first on the production and instrumentation. The song’s primarily driven by horns, but it also features guitar and bass keeping the song moving, plus an eclectic drum part. Those are accented by Peter Gabriel’s vocals, which carry his usual, quirky element that makes them unique. It’s also worth noting that this song is a little faster than ‘Sledgehammer’, which adds some diversity.

Of course, what specifically works in this song’s favor are the lyrics and subject matter. Once again, we’re seeing Peter Gabriel delving into a topic he seems to seriously enjoy to an almost embarrassing degree: sex. The song describes a woman who seems to know everything about everything, but Peter Gabriel knows more about her than she does. Interpret that however you wish. So, he wants to feel her “steam”, which is fairly explanatory.

As far as sex songs go, I’ve certainly heard worse. At the very least, Peter Gabriel is better at this than Bryan Adams because he sounds like he has some level of sexual experience and authority. He could only have written this kind of song if he’d had sex before. Where ‘Please Forgive Me’ is the awkward, uncomfortable, pathetic attempts at getting it on when you’re still in high school, ‘Steam’ is the sexual conquest of a seasoned veteran who’s intent on giving this woman the night of her dreams.

#5.

After the massive hit that was her debut album, Mariah Carey decided to explore other genres for her second. That album did pretty well for itself, but it didn’t achieve the same commercial or critical heights as her first, and it failed to introduce her to a new audience. So, for her third record, Mariah’s handlers decided to have her return to the same genre as her first, and I think that was the right choice.

#5. Dreamlover (Mariah Carey) [8; 1; 22 weeks]

What Madonna was to the ‘80s Mariah Carey was to the ‘90s. There might have been a number of noteworthy stars at different periods of this decade, but on the whole, the pop music world belonged to her. This was the period where she amassed the most hits, where she went through the most exploration of range and genres, and most importantly, where her quality was at its peak.

This song shows Mariah leaning a little more on pop with some R&B influence, and it’s a surprisingly good fit for her. While I do like it when she’s able to show off her range, I think she’s at her best when her voice is lighter and more melodic, like on ‘Love Takes Time’, ‘One Sweet Day’, or this song. Surprisingly though, ‘Dreamlover’ has her doing both.

Of course, it shares something in common with a different song of hers, ‘Fantasy’, in that it samples an older song, in this case ‘Blind Alley’ by the Emotions, and uses that sample to great effect. When putting this song together, she stated that she wanted to make something happy, which conflicted with co-writer and producer Dave Hall’s usual style. Of course, Walter Afanasieff, the only holdover from her debut album, contributed as well, reworking the organ, drums and keyboard, and changing the organ and hi-hat parts to add more swing and drive.

None of this is meant to make people think that Mariah’s continued success throughout the ‘90s was entirely because of everyone she worked with and discredit her own talent as a singer and songwriter. I still hesitate to consider myself a fan, but I won’t doubt that she is, or at least was very gifted and made incredibly good music. Twenty years later, she seems to be long past the point of having hits, but I hope she doesn’t stop making music regardless.

#4.

I don’t always enjoy going over artists I’ve already covered before. It tends to limit my exposure to the music of the time. That’s not to say that many of the artists I cover don’t warrant another listen though…

#4. I Get Around (2Pac) [56; 11; 15 weeks]

This was Tupac Shakur’s first hit song. It’s not his best, but it’s certainly a nice enough place to start from. It’s interesting to compare a song like this to some of the more socially conscious material he’s also made. While Tupac’s had quite a few songs about things like appreciation for his mama or respect towards women, it’s nice to know that, every once in a while, he can just have fun.

This song specifically focuses on something a lot of gangsta rappers tended to enjoy: bragging about their sexual activeness. It’s a song where Tupac talks about how he nails other guys girls, but it’s framed differently from how such songs tend to be. Most of the time, the guy’s just using it as a means to rub your face in the fact that he stole your chick because he can. Tupac, however, is presenting that it’s not meant to be a put down for the woman’s man; he respects guys that can keep their women away from him.

In addition, he still has standards about the kind of women he’ll engage in sexcapades with. He’s not just going to go with the first chick that asks; he wants the girl to tease him. For him that’s a form of foreplay. In addition, he makes it clear that he’s not interested in a relationship, and that he won’t put up with someone leading him on, deciding they don’t want sex, then accusing him of rape later.

Now, some of you are probably thinking, “Wait, wasn’t this kind of similar to that Positive K song on the worst list? How can you be okay with it here when you weren’t okay with it before?” One reason: Tupac possesses the charisma and personality that can allow him to pull this off. Positive K’s weak attempts at self-awareness just can’t measure up to Tupac’s swagger or confidence.

I might’ve been too young to get exposed to gangsta rap in its prime, but I’m glad that I can now look back on it and reflect on how much better it used to be. With some of the original big names in the genre gone now and their influence being felt less and less, it just goes to show how much good rap music we lost when Tupac and Biggie Smalls died. Keep getting around up in Thug Mansion, Tupac; you haven’t been forgotten.

#3.

I’m finding myself getting slowly more interested in rap music after putting these lists together, but I feel like there’s still something missing, something that could help draw me in further. What could possibly help me fully embrace hip-hop music? How about adding some jazz?

#3. Rebirth of Slick (Cool Like Dat) (Digable Planets) [81; 15; 13 weeks]

For those not in the know, jazz rap is a fusion subgenre of hip-hop and jazz that coalesced in the late ‘80s. It was an attempt to combine African-American music of the past with the more dominant form of the present. It tends to use rhythms from hip-hop with the repetitive phrases of jazz instrumentation laid over that. The genre saw little mainstream success, but this year we got one hit song out of it from Digable Planets, and it is a masterpiece.

First, let’s look at the instrumentation and production. It includes samples from various songs: ‘Stretching’ by Art Blakey & the Jazz Messengers, ‘Impeach the President’ by The Honey Drippers, ‘Blow Your Head’ by Fred Wesley & the J.B.’s, and ‘Foodstamps’ by 24-Carat Black. All four songs are incorporated impressively, and add to the atmosphere of the song. They each add a layer of class and style that most hip-hop music can’t hope to achieve, especially today.

That leaves us with the lyrics, with each verse written by one of the members of Digable Planets. All three verses share a common trend: for the most part, each line of each verse begins with a different pronoun, including question words like “who”, “why”, “where”, and “when”. As for the lyrics as a whole, they speak of hip-hop and how it had, or would become the new “cool”, and for the most part they were right. They even predicted this song becoming a classic.

It’s rare nowadays that you hear a song where the rappers brag about how cool they are and they come across as such. They sadly only ever released two albums before breaking up, but they have since had a few reunion tours, which apparently saw large crowds in attendance. If they decide to start releasing new material as a result of this, I wouldn’t complain; mainstream rap could use more Digable Planets in it.

#2.

1993 was a pretty good year for hip-hop. Pop rap was starting to fizzle out, gangsta rap was starting to take over, and we were seeing success from really good hip-hop acts like Tupac Shakur, Snoop Doggy Dogg, and Digable Planets. Sometimes though, it’s not the most high-minded projects that end up on top. In fact, it can be nice to have something simpler now and then, such as this.

#2. Hey Mr. D.J. (Zhané) [64; 6; 16 weeks]

Zhané was an American R&B/hip hop soul duo formed by Renée Neufville and Jean Norris. After meeting DJ Jazzy Jeff, they released their first professional recording together with ‘Ring My Bell’, which was on the same album that featured DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince’s ‘Summertime’. Former Warner Bros. executive Benny Medina then suggested they perform as a group, leading to their first recording opportunity: a high-profile spot on the all-star compilation ‘Roll Wit Tha Flava’. The song they created was ‘Hey Mr. D.J.’, one of the greatest hip-hop party anthems of all time.

The lyrics aren’t much to talk about; they basically talk about how it’s the weekend so let’s have some fun. How they’re presented, though, is very warmly and invitingly. Renée Neufville and Jean Norris are excellent vocalists and they play off of each other and harmonize very well on this song.

Of course, that leaves the production. The excellently handled, smooth as silk instrumentation was handled by 118^th Street Productions. I sadly can’t find a lot on this group, but from what I’ve seen this is one of the only things they’ve worked on. These guys deserved more work because this was easily the best-produced song to come from this year.

Zhané sadly didn’t do too much after this song. They released their debut album the following year, their follow-up album in 1997, and disbanded in 1999. The other singles they released weren’t as good as ‘Hey Mr. D.J.’, but I still liked all of them. I honestly wish they’d stuck around a little longer; I’m curious about what other kind of music they might’ve released. Despite all of this though, there is still one song I thought was better.

#1.

I’ve gone on record as saying I’m not a huge fan of doo-wop music. Part of the problem is that the genre just doesn’t feel very creative; once you’ve heard one such song you’ve basically heard them all. That said people could still do interesting things with the genre if they exercised enough effort, and I can safely say that, in 1993, Boyz II Men did so.

#1. In the Still of the Nite (I’ll Remember) (Boyz II Men) [12; 3; 13 weeks]

Boyz II Men were pretty unique for their time. Compared to other boy bands of the early ‘90s, like Color Me Badd or Hi-Five, they were easily the best. Their voices were generally in tune, and didn’t make me want to gouge out my ears, they didn’t sound like douche bags, and their subject matters tended to be a bit more mature for groups of their kind.

It’s worth noting that this is a cover of a Five Satins song from the mid-‘50s. The original was a traditional doo-wop ballad that didn’t really differentiate itself from other songs of the genre. It had generic lyrics about love, the harmonies were just not very interesting and while it might possibly have originated the term ‘doo-wop’, it just doesn’t feel very iconic.

Boyz II Men took this song and made it their own. In essence, all they did was make it a cappella, which can be a bit of a mixed bag. Doing so meant it needed to rely entirely on the voices to add layers or harmonies to the sound, and they deliver beautifully. For once, the nonsensical lyrics that bother me so much about doo-wop work to the song’s advantage by adding some atmosphere to the otherwise empty song. There’s just something the harmonized voices in this song bring that an instrument wouldn’t be able to.

With how often I tend to bash on terrible covers, it’s nice to hear one that’s not just good, but an improvement compared to the original. It’s not often that you hear an a cappella song on the radio, even back then, so it was a nice change to hear something like this. ‘In the Still of the Nite’ by Boyz II Men: the best hit song of 1993.