Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 1978

Hello again folks. It hasn’t been too long since I last talked about the ‘70s, but I figured I’d give this decade another look. When I examined 1974, a year I’d been told was the worst of the decade, I came to the conclusion that, if that was its worst, I wouldn’t need to worry about being disappointed by any other years from the ‘70s. That theory has not been disproven yet, as 1978 was also a very good year for music.

What was going on this year exactly? Well, the ‘Grease’ and ‘Saturday Night Fever’ soundtracks were tearing up the charts. Also, Elton John appeared on People Magazine without his trademark glasses, and guest starred on ‘The Muppet Show’. In addition, the Blues Brothers made their first appearance on ‘Saturday Night Live’, The Who drummer Keith Moon died of a drug overdose, Nancy Spungen, the girlfriend of former Sex Pistols bassist Sid Vicious, was found dead in a New York hotel room from a stab wound, and Alice Cooper, now sober, released ‘From the Inside’, an album about his stay in rehab.

As far as the music was concerned though, while this wasn’t a bad year by any stretch, there wasn’t much variety. Where 1976 offered a bit of diversity in its hits, disco dominated the charts in ’78. Fortunately, there weren’t more ‘Disco Duck’s that came out this year. In fact, I had a bit of trouble picking through all the hits just to get a full ten for this list. Most of the picks for the worst list required me to reach outside of the year-end hot 100, which was a pleasant surprise, since it meant that most of this year’s bad music left little impact. Speaking of which, let’s dive into that right now, starting with our dishonorable mentions:

Can We Still Be Friends (Todd Rundgren) [--; 29; 5 weeks]

Todd Rundgren sings this song with all the passion and intensity of a man about to pass out from sleep deprivation. He’d be lucky if his plea to remain friends with this person doesn’t bore them to tears. Also, I think it’s a little annoying that he’s the one saying they’re both to blame for things falling apart, like he doesn’t want to fully own up to the very likely possibility that it was his fault.

Chattanooga Choo Choo (Tuxedo Junction) [--; 32; 2 weeks]

I don’t have that many issues with this song. Mostly it made the list from being overly repetitious and wearing out on me rather quickly. Of course, this song was also part of a nearly twenty-minute long suite, so that didn’t really help matters.

(You’re My) Soul and Inspiration (Donny & Marie Osmond) [--; 38; 3 weeks]

Yep, Donny and Marie Osmond are being mentioned again. It’s bad enough that these two rarely, if ever, performed their own songs back in these days, but I’m especially infuriated that they chose to cover the Righteous Brothers, and one of their most successful songs too. Comparing the level of quality between these two versions is like comparing the elevation levels of Mt. Everest and the Mariana Trench. 

The Name of the Game (Abba) [97; 12; 9 weeks]

Not sure I even have coherent criticism of this song. You can blame my family for exposing me to ‘Mamma Mia’ one too many times, but I’ve developed an allergic reaction to Abba’s music now that I’ve revisited it. More than anything, I hate this song because it’s just so bland, to the point of being completely forgettable. Say what you want about Abba’s other songs; at least I remembered them!

Da Ya Think I’m Sexy (Rod Stewart) [--; 27; 3 weeks]

No!

Now then folks, come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me as we count down…

…THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF 1978!

#10.

Remember how my best of 1974 list featured artists that originally got big in the ‘60s and those taking cues from them? Well, as it happens, the complete opposite was the case for ‘78, as some artists from the previous decade didn’t put out top quality work this year. There could’ve been a number of factors for this, but the main recurring theme I noticed was that the songs they released didn’t achieve what they were going for. Take this for example:

#10. Wonderful Tonight (Eric Clapton) [--; 16; 7 weeks]

Those of you unfamiliar with guitarists from the mid-to-late ‘60s likely haven’t heard of this guy. Well, allow me to introduce you to Eric Clapton, former member of the Yardbirds, John Mayall & the Bluesbreakers, Cream, and Derek and the Dominos, and who also performed with the Plastic Ono Band, Delaney & Bonnie, and Vivian Stanshall and the Sean Head Showband. Though he’s mostly known for performing blues music, here he delivers a soft rock ballad, an attempt to show his more sensitive, romantic side.

In this song’s defense, it’s not a terrible idea on paper. Clapton is spending most of the song elevating the woman he’s with without it becoming a monumental ego trip, and offers details in areas where they would be needed. Also, there’s that guitar riff, which carries the song along and helps it stand out a little.

Despite this though, I just can’t get into this song at all. Where the lyrics and instrumentation are in the right places for the song to work, the thing that bothers me is the tone. Eric Clapton’s singing and the dreary atmosphere being presented make it seem like his statements about his wife looking good and him feeling fine just feel forced. This doesn’t sound like the kind of song one would want to hear at a party; it’s more like the dance for when the party’s long finished and you should’ve gone home by now.

This isn’t to say Eric Clapton can’t deliver a softer song well. ‘Tears in Heaven’, a song he would release fourteen years later, also had a melancholy tone, but that was deliberate and it felt sincere. It didn’t sound like the narrator was putting on a face and pretending to be something he wasn’t like ‘Wonderful Tonight’ does. That said, a mismatched tone isn’t the worst thing that a song can do, which is why this placed so low, but it can ruin what would otherwise have been an okay or even good song. Eric Clapton is a better performer than this, and I’d recommend giving the rest of this stuff a try, but skip over this if possible.

#9.

I feel like I sometimes overstep my boundaries as a critic. I always try to give an honest opinion about my thoughts on a song or artist, regardless of whether they differ from the views of the general public. So, knowing I have to put an artist like this one on this list is a little daunting for me, since she was apparently well loved at her peak. Let’s be honest though: she might’ve had her moment, but by 1978 that moment was gone.

#9. Prisoner (Love Theme from ‘Eyes of Laura Mars’) (Barbra Streisand) [--; 21; 6 weeks]

            While people may laugh at her singing voice now, Barbra Streisand was a decent singer in her own right back in the ‘60s. She had a smooth, sassy delivery that made more than a few of her songs fun to listen to and made her stand out as a singer. By the ‘70s, however, she seemed to try and do away with that and moved towards a more boring singing style that made her sound no different from anyone else at the time. If there’s a song in her catalogue that demonstrates that better than this one, I haven’t heard it.

            Maybe I’m the only one that feels this way about this song, but I just don’t understand what the appeal is supposed to be. It’s described as the love theme from the film ‘Eyes of Laura Mars’, but if there’s anything romantic about this song, I don’t feel it. Who would think of being in love and describe it as being a prisoner? The only people I can think of who would find that romantic are BDSM fetishists, and I’m not sure that’s the audience this song, or the movie, were trying to appeal to.

Not really helping matters is that this song doesn’t really play off of Barbra Streisand’s strengths as a singer. She’s good at being coy and assertive. Her early work won people over because that was where she was at her best. Love-stricken submission isn’t something she can pull off well. Even ignoring that, her voice isn’t powerful enough for a song like this. It requires someone with a voice that screams of desperation, not this half-assed performance that’s drowned out by the music and the background vocalists.

I’m sure some of you are going to make the excuse, “This song isn’t supposed to be romantic. After all, ‘Eyes of Laura Mars’ was hardly a romantic film, so it wouldn’t make sense for them to use it as such”. Then why did they call it “the love theme”? Also, the film does have a scene in it that would suggest a love song should be used there, and the song they use there isn’t this one! Barbra Streisand just wasn’t the right pick for a song like this. It doesn’t sound romantic, or even like a serious mental conflict is going on; it just sounds like a migraine!

#8.

When people discuss acts that transitioned between decades, this usually refers to ‘70s acts in the ‘80s, or ‘80s acts in the ‘90s. Very rarely do people discuss ‘60s acts transitioning into the ‘70s, but if there were one example that really shined with the decade shift, it would have to be the Bee Gees. The disco era was quite kind to these guys, giving them numerous #1 US hits, and probably greater success than they’d ever achieved previously. Of course, the Bee Gees had a sibling that also got into music in the ‘70s, and saw his greatest success during this period. Sadly, it’s not all good news.

#8. (Our Love) Don’t Throw It All Away (Andy Gibb) [--; 9; 10 weeks]

Andy Gibb was the younger brother to the members of the Bee Gees, though he started his own music career much later than they did. From what I can tell, while he accomplished much in his own right, he never managed to achieve the same level of success his brothers did, though this could be because he died young. Even so, he did have some good songs in him, though I would hardly label this one of them.

Let’s take a moment to examine his other songs and see what made them work. With ‘(Love Is) Thicker Than Water’, for example, he had an authoritative tone to his voice, particularly during the chorus, which gave the song that catchiness that worked for it. Then he had songs like ‘Shadow Dancing’, which had a fun energy to them that was prevalent in disco music.

So, that goes a long way to explain why this song doesn’t work. ‘(Our Love) Don’t Throw It All Away’ just feels weak and whispy, like a balloon. Actually, that comparison seems pretty accurate, since Gibb’s voice here sounds like the man’s deflating. Then you have the lyrics, which are a guy begging his love not to end their relationship. The problem is they don’t sound desperate, or even depressed; they sound detached from all sense of reality, like the guy hasn’t a care in the world.

I’m not a huge Andy Gibb fan, but I’ll recognize that he had some talent and quality in his music. Some of his songs were okay, and it’s a shame he died before he could properly evolve as an artist. Of course, even if he had lived I probably wouldn’t listen to his music, not if he’d gone on to make more schmaltz like this.

#7.

Pop music seems to have this natural inclination towards trying to sound “hot”. Sometimes it works, but in most cases, you get things like Rod Stewart asking if you think he’s sexy. Then you get things like this:

#7. You Never Done It Like That (The Captain & Tennille) [--; 10; 14 weeks]

As far as bad romance songs by the Captain & Tennille go, you could certainly do worse. This fortunately doesn’t reach the same level of disgusting detail hidden behind overly saccharine sweetness like ‘Muskrat Love’ did. Even so though, I can’t call this a good song by any stretch of the word.

The main problem is, as usual, Toni Tennille, who sounds like she’s had one too many drinks. She tries to go for this sultry performance, but it’s paired up with these uncomfortable, and even confusing details. “You know you made me ten feet tall”? “I’m on the ceiling”? “Hey look at me, I feel just like Columbus/I did discover you’re some kind of lover”? These are bizarre ways of talking about how good the sex you’re having is!

Even ignoring Tennille’s odd lyrical choices, this song just isn’t sexy. If anything, this sounds more like lounge music. It’s the kind of thing you’d put on to be background noise, not set up a seductive atmosphere for your best friend’s mom to try and hit on you!

Still, as far as songs about sex go, there have been worse, even within this decade. That said it doesn’t do anything to warrant playing it in place of other, better, hotter songs. If the Captain and Tennille were trying to take cues from the Carpenters, this was not the right move for them. Then again, I’m not sure what would’ve been the right move, considering their usual output. Moving along!

#6.

Wings wasn’t the worst thing created by a member of the Beatles, but it was the most pointless. Even the Plastic Ono Band could be justified in that it kick-started John Lennon’s solo career and helped launch the careers of a few other artists. I can’t think of a single thing Wings ever did to give itself worth, and that’s certainly not helped by their music not being that good.

#6. I’ve Had Enough (Wings) [--; 25; 5 weeks]

After Wings’ successful fifth album from 1976, Paul McCartney wanted the follow-up to have the same impact. Unfortunately, with his wife Linda becoming pregnant with their third child, the band was unable to tour and even had to resort to recording on a yacht in the Virgin Islands. To make matters worse, two members ended up leaving before the release of their sixth album’s first single. While said album and single started out strong, with the album peaking at #4 in the UK and #2 in the US, its staying power left much to be desired, with its subsequent singles not even cracking the UK top 40 or the US top 20.

If I had to take a guess, I’d assume it’s because the album wasn’t very good. At least, that’s the impression I got after listening to this. ‘I’ve Had Enough’ is one of McCartney’s angry singles, and to be fair he’s done decent ones in the past. Much to my disappointment though, this one doesn’t come across so much angry as it does just pissy and annoyed. From the lyrics, it sounds like the things he’s mad about are backseat drivers, people telling him to hurry up, and…donating to the military? I don’t even…

Speaking of things that baffle, what the hell happened to Paul McCartney’s voice? He sounds like he has a bad head cold! If he annunciates words enough that they’re comprehensible, it comes across as more coincidental than deliberate! The guitars sound fine, but one musical element isn’t enough to salvage a song that’s fallen flat on its face!

It doesn’t surprise me that this album, and their next and final album, wouldn’t perform nearly as well pretty much across the board except for perhaps in Germany. People seem to pin the lackluster presentation of Wings’ music on the keyboardist, but the truth is Paul McCartney was just quick to lose relevance after the disbanding of the Beatles. He was still successful, even after Wings also broke up, but something important was lost in his music.

#5.

I maintain that I like the disco genre. It’s had a mostly positive affect on pop music, despite what the naysayers think, and its resurgence in the mainstream today has resulted in some of the few good songs we’ve seen in the 2010s. Still, it’s not like I’m willing to give every disco tune I hear a pass. Just like any other genre, it can still be bad, awful even.

#5. MacArthur Park (Donna Summer) [--; 1; 15 weeks]

While there were plenty of artists of this genre that could make unquestionably good songs, I wouldn’t label Donna Summer one of them. Not everything she’s released is bad, but she doesn’t really add anything we couldn’t get from anyone else. I heard her first hit single, ‘Love to Love You Baby’, when I covered 1976, and I was not impressed. I realize funk and disco can be redundant at times, but good artists can stylize that repetition, work in just enough variation to make each line still sound unique. ‘Love to Love You Baby’ didn’t have that; it sounded exactly the same from beginning to end.

In her defense, Donna Summer’s cover of ‘MacArthur Park’ doesn’t entirely suffer from this problem. This song’s flaws are twofold, with the first being an out-of-place disco beat that doesn’t make me want to dance to it. It’s not even that fun; it’s too stiff, Summer’s performance seriously overdoes the melisma at points, and she always includes this unpleasant wail at the end of each chorus that sounds like she’s losing her mind. Maybe she is and maybe that’s the point of the song. Even so, why would you then suddenly use that to transition into the energetic dance melody?

This isn’t even touching on the other big problem with the song: the lyrics. Thematically, it talks about a failed relationship, which can be the basis for a decent song. The problem comes from the metaphor it’s using, which is to compare said relationship to a cake someone left out in the rain. I seriously didn’t want to picture a failed relationship and think of a ruined cake with the icing flowing off and everything. That’s not tragic; that’s just gross!

Actually, there are a number of unnecessary details in this song. She compares their love to “a hot fevered iron” against the “striped pair of pants” that I suppose represents them. Then she talks about a “yellow cotton dress foaming like a wave”. Then she mentions “birds like tender babies” and “old men playing Chinese checkers by the trees”. What do any of these things have to do with their love being like a melting cake in the rain?

Even if I could get into the mindset the lyrics and original tone of the song are trying to set, the upbeat instrumentation completely clashes with it. Does it want to be a tragic song about lost love or a fun song inviting the listener to dance? Either way, it fails at both. I’m sorry Donna Summer, but you can’t eat your cake and have it too.

#4.

You know how, with Bob Dylan, he made up for his sandpaper voice by being an amazing songwriter? Some artists are like that; they have one area that has a lot of focus put into it to compensate for their other, weaker traits. Few artists are able to cover all their bases well, so this approach isn’t a bad one. Of course, then you have cases like Randy Newman.

#4. Short People (Randy Newman) [41; 2; 10 weeks]

I realize it’s not exactly fair to pick on the guy that gave us ‘You Got a Friend In Me’, but as far as movie scores go, if John Williams is a Cirque du Soleil acrobatic, theatrical masterpiece, Randy Newman is a badly performed elementary school play about the four food groups. As a songwriter, he’s sloppy to the point that anyone singing his songs seems brain dead. So, I hope you’ll understand when I say the idea of him as a pop star leaves me less than enthused.

What surprises me most of all is that this was his only hit, despite being possibly his worst song. I’m not a fan of his Muppet voice on any of his other songs, and he’s not much better here. Also, while not nearly as “whimsical” as most of his other songs try to be, there are still elements of that poor attempt at enchantment that make me want to puke.

All of this is before we even get to the subject matter and tone of the song. Before people start jumping down my throat, I understand what the song’s trying to do. It’s a novelty song told from the perspective of a character that is prejudiced against short people to a ridiculous degree, kind of like a parody. Even so, Newman’s lyrics just sound juvenile, and it doesn’t have the charm or inspiration that good parody music possesses. The song doesn’t even list funny reasons for hating short people; the entire joke is “Ha ha, they’re little people so everything about them is little”.

In the man’s defense, it’s not the worst example of a song demonstrating non-comedy. It’s still stupid, uninspired, and annoyingly repetitive, but ultimately it’s not hurting anyone. It certainly didn’t deserve the amount of flack it got. Now wait a minute, Randy Newman writing a song poking fun at prejudice receives serious backlash and death threats, but Ray Stevens writing a song explicitly making fun of Arabs is a-okay? God, this world…

#3.

Speaking of comedy songs that aren’t funny…

#3. King Tut (Steve Martin and the Toot Uncommons) [--; 17; 7 weeks]

I don’t really consider myself much of a connoisseur of novelty music, but I do have my preferences. If a novelty song were going to focus on a historical figure, for example, some demonstration that the writer did their research would be appreciated. Barring that, if it feels unique, it gets a pass. That’s part of the reason why I’m pretty forgiving of things like Falco’s ‘Rock Me Amadeus’. If the novelty song only uses a historical figure’s name for the sake of telling a stupid joke, with no indication that the writer knew the slightest thing about them, then it fails.

For starters, there’s the instrumentation. The style of the song clearly sounds like it was going for something from the ‘60s, which doesn’t make much sense because Tutankhamen had nothing to do with the decade outside of the first traveling exhibition of a substantial number of his artifacts taking place during the decade. Even then, the only truly “Egyptian” theme there is to the production is the stereotypical Egyptian jingle at the beginning of the song. Also, it fits even less when you consider the lyrics, which talk about funk and disco, which this song is demonstrably not.

Speaking of the lyrics, let’s talk about those next. The song was apparently written as a caricature of the Treasures of Tutankhamen traveling exhibit, which toured the United States from 1976 to 1979. However, it mentions Arizona and Babylonia, which doesn’t fit with the theme of the song because no place called ‘Arizona’ had any relation to Tutankhamen, and unless he established some kind of relations with them during his rule, he had no connection to the Babylonians either. It also mentions him dancing, which I highly doubt he ever did considering his birth defects as a result of being born from incest, and various infections and injuries he sustained during his life.

I don’t want to give the impression that I hate all novelty music. Weird Al, Jonathan Coulton, Flight of the Concords, They Might Be Giants; I like these acts! Those acts use comedy as a means to make the listener think about the joke and still have it hold up. Steve Martin, meanwhile, came up with a stupid joke that didn’t have any connection to the subject of his song and thought that was funny. I guess it’s fitting that this song is about an Egyptian pharaoh, because it deserves to be left inside a tomb to mummify.

#2.

I feel horrendous about putting a song by this artist on the list. I’m not a fan, but I can at least respect the milestones she set. However, this is meant to be an honest list, and I honestly do hate this song.

#2. Ooh Baby Baby (Linda Ronstadt) [--; 10; 8 weeks]

Linda Ronstadt is an American pop and country music singer. While originally the lead singer for the Stone Poneys, their record executives were quick to move Ronstadt into the spotlight as a solo performer. She is noteworthy for being the first major touring female artist, the first female artist to score three consecutive platinum albums, ultimately racking up eight, and the most successful female singer of the 1970s.

‘Living in the USA’ was the second biggest album of her career, and featured this song as the biggest hit off the album. I have no idea why though, because there’s nothing substantial about it. Most of Linda Ronstadt’s material prior to this at least had energy and life. ‘Ooh Baby Baby’ just sounds like the listener’s trying to lull me to sleep.

To be fair, the lyrics do try to paint a picture of the situation in the song. That situation is that the narrator cheated on her lover, feels bad about it, it’s implied that their relationship’s over, and she wants to try and fix things between them someday. There are a number of little things in here that piss me off. The idea of someone viewing love as a “game” just makes me feel disgusted. You’re talking about making a game out of people’s emotions; that’s just awful! Then there’s the second verse and its use of the “I’m only human” excuse for cheating, which is becoming a real pet peeve for me. It’s made even worse by the line, “You’ve made mistakes too”. Yes, the fact that he cheated on her is bad, but two wrongs don’t make a right lady!

Do I think this song reflects the kind of work Linda Ronstadt made as a whole? No. I think she was a perfectly fine artist and has made some decent songs in her career. If not for her, the generations of the ‘70s, ‘80s, and ‘90s might never have heard of Buddy Holly, Chuck Berry, or Elvis Costello. I just feel like this isn’t one of her best pieces of work. If you disagree, that’s fine. Keep listening to the song; enjoy it. Just don’t go trying to make me like it because that’s not going to happen.

#1.

Okay, all the songs up until this point have been relatively obscure and chances are those reading might’ve never heard of them prior to reading this list. People will recognize this next song though, and probably want to murder me for putting it on here, let alone right at the top. However, this is my list, and like anyone, I have my own opinions about things and you’re free to disagree with them. With that said, I present my choice for the worst hit song from 1978:

#1. Summer Nights (John Travolta & Olivia Newton-John) [69; 5; 12 weeks]

Look, I understand that ‘Grease’ is considered a classic, but that doesn’t mean its songs hold up years later. People seem incredibly forgiving of John Travolta as a singer. That’s how we ended up with, not one, not two, but three top ten hits from the guy. I, however, am not one to overlook poor quality when it runs its nails across a chalkboard. So let me just state with complete certainty that the man can’t sing to save his life.

Of course, it’s not just John Travolta whose singing drags this song down. No, it’s the supporting cast’s vocals that truly shatter the atmosphere. I understand that their accents are supposed to help set the tone and setting of the film, but all I hear are a bunch of off-key voices trying desperately to stay in tune, and they always come in during the chorus, so you hear them multiple times during the song. It’s worst at the end of the song, when John Travolta’s ear splitting falsetto is immediately followed by about a dozen voices screeching like a colony of bats in a room full of moths.

If there is any saving grace to this song, it’s Olivia Newton-John, who is the only one who sounds like she can sing. She’s not great, but she’s at least passable, which is more than can be said of anyone else. The problem is that she’s woefully unprepared to function as the only source of support to a damp, moldy house of a tune that is just minutes away from collapsing on itself. It’s for these reasons that ‘Summer Nights’ from ‘Grease’ is my choice for the worst hit song from 1978.