Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 1974

Hello again folks. Well, it’s been over a year now, so I figured I would take another stab at the ‘70s. This particular year was a suggestion from a friend, and…Well, I’ll say this much, 1974 is not the worst year I’ve covered. It is, however, one of the blandest. Almost none of the music from this year was remotely catchy; the moment after I finished listening to a song I would forget how it went.

I can understand why people label this year the worst for music in the ‘70s, and even to some degree the worst for music period. It’s not bad in any of the interesting ways; the music’s too samey-sounding to be distinguished and too dull to be memorable. Even putting together the worst list was quite difficult because so little inspired a reaction from me. Don’t think for a moment that I wasn’t able to fill out this list though, because where this year went bad, it went terrible. Speaking of which, let’s cut to the chase and start out with our dishonorable mentions, shall we?

I’m a Train (Albert Hammond) [--; 31; 4 weeks]

Albert Hammond repeatedly says he’s a train; that’s the whole song. Also, the nursery rhyme melody irritates the hell out of me. Get used to me saying that, because it’s a recurring problem with a lot of the songs on this list.

One Day at a Time (Marilyn Sellars) [--; 37; 2 weeks]

I’m not making a solid case for myself having nothing against religious music, am I? Look, I can understand why other people like this music, but I just can’t stand songs like this. It’s slow; it’s tedious; its tempo sounds seasick; its lyrics are terribly schmaltzy. And to top it all off, Marilyn Sellars just isn’t a very impassioned singer.

Sugar Baby Love (The Rubettes) [--; 37; 2 weeks]

This made it here almost entirely because of that falsetto voice right at the beginning that could shatter glass. Though, it’s not like the rest of the song makes up for it. It repeats those three words enough times to make your brain hemorrhage, and the harmonies are too lackluster to make up for any of that. And then there’s the spoken-word bridge, which is so laughably bad it’s almost self-parody.

Let’s Straighten It Out (Latimore) [--; 31; 3 weeks]

I didn’t know Barry White’s music until I worked on this list. Having done so, I think it’s safe to say that this Latimore guy was a wannabe. And unfortunately, he lacks all the charisma that Barry White possessed. Not helping matters is that he was given such a dull song to work with. The tempo is so slow I can practically count the sixty-fourth beats between measures.

The Air That I Breathe (The Hollies) [50; 6; 11 weeks]

This song is so corny I can practically see the kernels in its teeth. “Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you”? So, you only need to breathe sometimes? Also, the sentiment’s just so generic. They might as well have said “All I need are my organs” or “All I need is to exist”. Though I guess those wouldn’t have fit the meter.

Now then, hang on in there baby; we’re counting down…

…THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF 1974!

#10.

Something I noticed about this year was that there were a lot of slow-tempo ballads. I don’t know if that necessarily contributed to this year being as generic as it was, but it certainly didn’t do it any favors. Most of them I was willing to look past, since they weren’t really worth mentioning. I felt like this one warranted mention though, and if you know anything about bad ‘70s music, this act should need no introduction.

#10. Love Me For a Reason (The Osmonds) [--; 10; 7 weeks]

I’ve covered Donny and Marie Osmond previously, but I think this is my first time tackling the Osmond family as a whole. Although, it’s not like I need to; it’s been universally accepted at this point that the Osmonds were terrible. The Osmond family was to the ‘70s what Pat Boone was to the ‘50s and early ‘60s. They performed store-brand, white bread versions of other songs by better artists.

This particular number is a cover of a Johnny Bristol song, one that isn’t too bad. I honestly can’t imagine how much the guy was paid to let the Osmonds desecrate his song, but it couldn’t possibly have been enough. You might not realize this if you look up the lyrics for yourself, but the Osmonds changed half of the verses and even managed to mangle the final verse! I’ve checked every lyric site I can find, and every one of them has the Osmonds’ “revised” edition, leaving Johnny Bristol’s version to the dustbin of history.  

Another issue is that the music to their version is terribly bland. The original had interesting musical elements, including what sounds like a harpsichord driving the melody. The Osmonds’ version is a twinkling, sparkly snoozefest that would’ve fit in with any other song of theirs and not stand out in the slightest. I mean, there are bells there like the original version, but besides that the song sounds nothing like it.

It makes me sick to think that people were more interested in this neutered, stale rice cracker of a song over the original, which of course didn’t chart and has faded from the public consciousness. This charted low because I know the Osmond family is capable of much, much worse.

#9.

I’ve made it no secret that I am not a fan of Ray Stevens. I just don’t understand his sense of humor and the music he makes all tends to require as little thought to go into it as possible. Despite this, he not only saw a lot of success in the ‘60s, but even managed some success into the ‘70s. In fact, we’ll be covering two songs that had Ray Stevens’s influence on them, one now and one later. Although, say what you want about Ray Stevens; at least he had no potential to disappoint people by not achieving. This next artist doesn’t have that excuse.

#9. Rub It In (Billy ‘Crash’ Craddock) [--; 16; 9 weeks]

Technically this song’s a cover and Stevens only produced the original version, but I personally feel that anything he’s touched is beyond salvation. Billy ‘Crash’ Craddock wasn’t a bad artist. He was clearly trying to be Elvis when he started out, and the country music he released soon afterwards was nothing to write home about, but I didn’t have anything against the guy. And yet, I can’t stand his biggest American hit at all.

The first thing you’ll likely notice about this song, and most of the songs on this list, is that it’s hokey as all hell. There’s an overall sense of forced cheer to this song and every nauseating second of it is painful to sit through. It feels like someone told a morbid joke and is still elbowing me in the ribs trying to get a laugh out of me.

Of course, that’s before we get into the lyrics and subject matter. The idea of the song is that it sets up this really suggestive situation of a guy and a girl meeting on the beach, and then it becomes this goofy number about rubbing suntan lotion on one’s skin. First of all, how does this make the song any less suggestive? Rubbing in suntan lotion can still be taken as sexual or sexy. Second of all, where’s the joke? All that’s happening is that the guy’s getting lotion rubbed on him.

Craddock managed more successes on the US and Canadian country charts, and even one more hit with ‘Ruby Baby’, but by the ‘90s he was pretty much gone. Still, that can’t be any comfort to those that had to suffer through this. This song didn’t belong anywhere on the pop charts, and I can’t possibly rub that in enough.

#8.

Going back to the Osmonds for a moment, they were also responsible for causing bad music to happen indirectly during the ‘70s. This next act was originally discovered while touring with the Osmonds, and if there were ever a band whose association with them did them no favors, it was this one.

#8. Billy Don’t Be a Hero (Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods) [21; 1; 12 weeks]

Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods were an act whose success didn’t span past the mid ‘70s. They only managed three chart successes, two of which were covers of British songs that didn’t see success in the US, and all three of which charted this year. Unfortunately, the three of them were disappointingly lackluster, and this one is the worst by far.

First of all, we’re once again treated to a dose of hokey music. I’m not against flutes being used in pop music, but this one isn’t used well at all. It just makes the song sound like what you’d hear at a children’s band performance. It also gives us yet another sing-songy, nursery rhyme melody that we didn’t need any more of.

Then there’s the lyrics and subject matter. Look, I understand that some people find songs about somber subjects like soldiers dying in a war sentimental and emotionally riveting, but that doesn’t make them good. The cheery tune this song used completely clashes with the tone it’s going for. I’m not brought to tears by the sad story of a soldier who died; I just feel like vomiting at how forcefully upbeat the song sounds in contrast.

Due to the timing of this song’s release, some listeners associated it with the Vietnam War. It’s since been stated that it’s referring to an unidentified war, but I feel like that just makes it worse. At least, if it had been connected to the Vietnam War that would’ve given some justification for this song’s existence. As is though, it’s the equivalent of someone writing a jaunty tune about how much death sucks without grieving a specific person. It’s obnoxious; it’s stupid; it’s utterly pointless.

#7.

What are some of the artists you think of when you think of the worst music of the ‘70s? Many people may have different answers to this question, but there’s at least one artist people can all agree on: Donny Osmond.

#7. I’m Leaving It Up to You (Donny and Marie Osmond) [81; 4; 10 weeks]

I really don’t like picking on easy targets, but ‘Deep Purple’ made it on my ‘worst of ‘76’ list, and this song’s making it on this list. And in my defense, it’s not like I don’t have good reason for this. I just hate everything about Donny Osmond. I hate his obnoxious, cheery wholesomeness; I hate his dorky, stupid hairstyle; I hate his insufferable, grinning face! And every time I see it, I just want to sock him in his perfect teeth!

This particular song isn’t all that noteworthy in terms of his discography, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still have issues with it. Like pretty much every pre-1980’s Donny Osmond song, this one was a cover of an older song, this one originally performed by Don Harris and Dewey Terry. Although, while the original version wasn’t exactly great either, it was at least better than this dull turd of a song. And like ‘Deep Purple’, this one was also covered by a different duo prior to Donny and Marie getting their grubby little mitts on it.

All three versions of the song suffer the same problem: they’re all slow and lifeless. The ’74 version is made worse purely because of the performers though. As is expected at this point, they don’t even bother to stick to the lyrics of the original song. Also, while not great performances, Don Harris and Dewey Terry at least sounded like adults when they sang the song; it sounded like it was coming from people that understood how relationships work. Donny and Marie both have the maturity of third graders.

These two had another hit this year, which I decided to let slide because otherwise I’d be crowding this list with too many Osmond songs. Doesn’t make this song suck any less though. Do yourselves a favor folks: don’t leave anything up to Donny Osmond.

#6.

Paul Anka left a very favorable impression on me based on the first song of his I heard, ‘Goodnight My Love’. To my disappointment, when going through his early work, I realized that he started out as the poor man’s Neil Sedaka. That seemed to change around 1963, once the hits dried up, resulting in much better, more emotional songs that sounded like adults wrote them. Then the ‘70s happened, and Paul Anka’s remaining promise dispersed.

#6. One Man Woman—One Woman Man (Paul Anka & Odia Coates) [--; 13; 6 weeks

If there’s one thing I will give Paul Anka credit for, it’s that he grew into a very versatile artist in the ‘60s. He was able to cover a fairly diverse range of subjects. And, to his credit, he does try to step outside of his wheelhouse for this song. Though, considering what it’s about, maybe it would’ve been better if he hadn’t.

If there’s something people have likely noticed throughout these lists, it’s that I’m not big into songs about cheating on one’s lover. Some artists have the charisma to pull it off or justify it, but Paul Anka isn’t one of those artists. He’s too nice for a song like this; I don’t buy that he would be the kind of person to do this.

Even if he were though, there’s a much bigger problem with this song: the fact that neither party involved seemed to learn anything from Paul Anka’s cheating. At no point in the song do he or Odia Coates demonstrate that they felt any kind of investment in the fact that he was cheating. Anka doesn’t seem to honestly regret the fact that he was cheating and Coates doesn’t seem to care. The song claims they’ve moved past it by the end, but there’s no indication that things will change between them.

If Paul Anka’s output hadn’t already started dropping in quality by this point in his career, this might’ve placed higher on this list. In all fairness, I wouldn’t even call this his worst song. As is though, it’s still a huge disappointment coming from an artist I used to like. Moving along!

#5.

So, what could be worse than a song that uses a nursery-rhyme melody as its base? How about a song that is literally based on a nursery rhyme?

#5. Mockingbird (Carly Simon & James Taylor) [52; 5; 13 weeks]

Okay, it’s a children’s lullaby and not technically a nursery rhyme, but the premise still stands. And it looks like this year’s now given us not one, but two terribly corny covers of what were already awful songs. It’s especially disappointing to think that this sappy thing came from Carly Simon and James Taylor, who took themselves seriously on every other song of theirs.

Anyway, let’s look at the music, which is, once again, the tritest sound they could have possibly picked. Isn’t folk music supposed to have some somberness to it? This sounds like it was played for square dancing night at your aunt and uncle’s house, and not even the cool ones either.

And that leaves us with the lyrics and subject matter. The song, like I said, is based around the classic lullaby ‘Hush Little Baby’. See though, that song is about offering your kid various different things in order to get them to shut up and go to sleep. It’s not exactly what works as this jaunty love song about one’s lover buying them things because God knows why. Oh, and they changed the lyrics like pretty much every other cover song I’ve covered so far. The thing is the lyrical changes don’t enhance the song; they just make the singers come across like whiny, spoiled divas. That’s right, folks; if your lover doesn’t buy you shit, that means they don’t love you. So you should shout and scream and cause a ruckus until they do!

I don’t know what else to say about this one. The music’s crap, the lyrics make no sense, and the message is terrible. Then again, considering James Taylor helped perform this, I guess the lack of a positive message shouldn’t surprise me that much. Moving along!

#4.

I hate Ray Stevens! I don’t understand what people found funny about him! His idea of diversity in comedy is trying out a different stupid voice and calling it a day! As a comedian, he’s a black hole; sucking in everything, crushing it into nothing and not allowing anything to escape once it gets close to him! If Ray Stevens’d had ten hits this year, all ten would be on this list! He only had one, so that’s what made the cut!  

#4. The Streak (Ray Stevens) [8; 1; 12 weeks]

I know I’ve already talked about Ray Stevens so my hate for him should be prevalent by now. But as long as I keep covering years where his songs have charted, you’re going to continue hearing about him. So I’ll try to keep this brief.

As is par for the course at this point, the song is built around one barely functioning joke of a premise. This time, it’s that a man keeps running through places completely naked. Because ha ha; naked people are hilarious! Apparently streaking was a big thing at this time, but Stevens jumped on the craze right as it was being put to a stop. I guess the ‘70s were just rife with bizarre trends that were stupid in hindsight; the streaking craze, the trucker craze…

 But let’s step away from the comedy and look at the song on its own merits. It’s still terrible. One of the biggest issues I take with Ray Stevens is that his voice is capable of carrying a melody, yet in most cases he chooses not to. That’s exactly what happens with this song; Stevens tries to perform it all in this horrendous “comedic” voice that can’t hold a tune, even during the chorus, the only time he even bothers trying to sing. The music’s pretty bad too; just this hackneyed music that’s trying to sound funny but just leaves me embarrassed for everyone that had to play this.

Much like with ‘Guitarzan’, I feel like this isn’t Ray Stevens at his worst. It’s still terrible, but I know that Ray Stevens can sink far, far lower than this in terms of quality. It might not have even been that noteworthy if it weren’t for Ray Stevens performing every other song around this time completely straight. In fact, most of his work in the early ‘70s took itself incredibly seriously, which makes this song kind of an odd choice. Not that I’d want to listen to any of those other songs from this time or ever either. Next!

#3.

Well folks, we’ve addressed the small fries; now it’s time to address the largest cob in the bunch. That’s right; I present to you the hokiest song that charted this year:

#3. Jim Dandy (To the Rescue) (Black Oak Arkansas) [--; 25; 6 weeks]

Black Oak Arkansas is an American southern rock band named after their hometown of Black Oak, Arkansas. Their lead singer, Jim “Dandy” Mangrum, is best known for his raspy voice, long hair and wild, sexually explicit onstage antics. However, the bigger name from this band was its drummer around this time, Tommy Aldridge, who most people likely recognize for his work with the Pat Travers Band, Ozzy Osbourne, Gary Moore and Whitesnake, just to name a few. Besides those two star names however, this band had nothing going for it. This song was their biggest hit, one of only two charting singles the band would manage, and it’s devoid of any flavor or energy besides being embarrassing to listen to.

It’s worth noting that this song is yet another cover. The original, performed by R&B singer LaVern Baker, wasn’t too bad, but that’s mainly because it was told from the third person perspective. This song doesn’t lend itself well to being told in the first-person. Too many details in the song require that level of distance for them to not sound egotistical.

Also, the original had a softer, funkier sound to it that carried the melody much more smoothly. This ridiculous, over-the-top rock music is the wrong way to perform a song like this. The result is that it sounds like something one would hear from a band hired to perform at a little kid’s birthday party, undoubtedly embarrassing the poor child.

Back to the topic of ego, I can’t help but notice that a band whose front man is named Jim “Dandy” is performing the song ‘Jim Dandy’. Considering there’s nothing to indicate when or how he got the name, I’d just as soon assume he dubbed himself that when the band decided to cover this song. Either that or he got the name first and decided he just had to cover this song and tell it from his perspective. Regardless, this blows, and if it weren’t for Mangrum’s influence on Van Halen vocalist David Lee Roth and Tommy Aldridge’s success with other acts, Black Oak Arkansas would be completely worthless.

#2.

I’m sorry again folks. I know that the movie soundtrack this song appeared on was pretty successful and popular with people. I myself liked some songs that showed up in this film. That said I am of the mind that anything and everything is capable of disappointing someone. With that in mind, Starlord, your taste in music has been called into question!

#2. Hooked On a Feeling (Blue Swede) [20; 1; 14 weeks]

I realize this is kind of a biased pick because I’ve gone on record as saying I like the original version. I wasn’t even going to place this song this high on the list at first. Then I went back, re-listened to it and the original and realized just how much I hate this cover version. It serves no purpose despite its more frequent appearances in the popular consciousness.

First off, there’s the “ooga chaka” intro. The song’s supposed to be about how great being in love feels. What does the band going “ooga chaka” all over the song do for it? I guess they’re trying to make it sound goofier to make it seem stranger because strange things are more likely to be remembered, but that doesn’t make it a good change. In the band’s defense, they weren’t the ones that originally made this change; Jonathan King did that for his 1971 cover. Of course, why Blue Swede would choose to base their version off of that one instead of B. J. Thomas’s eludes me.

That brings us to the other big problem with this song: front man Björn Skifs. Simply put, the man has the wrong vocals for a song like this. When B. J. Thomas sang it, his softer, more polished vocals made it sound like he was genuinely in love. Skifs, meanwhile, just barrels through the whole thing like a rampaging rhino. He doesn’t even bother to make the words match the original or remotely make sense. And then there’s what he does to the “I” that introduces the chorus. Where B. J. Thomas held that note out, Skifs drops it, which takes away whatever atmosphere there might’ve been.

While Björn Skifs would continue to see success in his homeland of Sweden after this, Blue Swede disappeared after 1975. Yet it’s their version of ‘Hooked On a Feeling’, not B. J. Thomas’s, that people remember to this day. No one ever said the world was a fair place.

#1.

I don’t always like it when my opinion mirrors that of the general public. While these lists are meant to reflect my own musical tastes, I feel like there are points where it can get predictable. Such was the case with my #1 song for this list, which is already regarded by many, not just as a bad song, but as one of the worst songs ever recorded. And once you’ve heard it, I’m sure you’ll understand why. So, ladies and gentlemen, I present the worst hit song of 1974:

#1. (You’re) Having My Baby (Paul Anka) [28; 1; 11 weeks]

Just a reminder folks: my measurement of how bad a song is doesn’t depend solely on how much it pissed me off or absence of good, otherwise ‘The Streak’ or ‘Hooked On a Feeling’ would’ve been my #1. While those are factors, the main decider is what the song’s goal was and how much it failed to achieve it. And hoo boy do we have a song that misses its mark by a wide margin on our hands.

Really, all the problems in this song can be summed up right in the title. “You’re having my baby”. You’re giving birth to a child I consider mine and mine alone. And if that wasn’t enough, the rest of the lyrics dig the hole deeper. “What a lovely way of sayin’/How much you love me”.  And, of course, there’s the bizarre choice to include a line about abortion about halfway through the song. I guess to show that she could have aborted but didn’t because she just loves him that much.

Paul Anka has defended the song, stating that it’s “not meant to alienate anyone” and that he could have said “our” but the other “sounded better”. Yeah, because claiming sole ownership of the child makes you look so much better in this situation, doesn’t it Anka? He’s also stated that it’s meant to be “a love song”. If that’s the goal the song was aiming for, then it fails because of how questionable the lyrical choices were! I know Paul Anka is, or was, better than this! Paul Anka, ‘(You’re) Having My Baby’, worst hit song of 1974.  

Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2011

Happy holidays folks! Yeah, I know Christmas has passed by now, but Chanukah is still happening and New Year’s is just around the corner, so I’m counting it. Now then, I hope I didn’t give the impression that I don’t like more modern music on my last list. In some ways, I feel like I enjoy exploring modern music more than earlier music. With older songs, I’m usually out of touch with what they represented and only find out their cultural significance through research. The music of today doesn’t give me this problem; I know exactly what made certain songs as important as they were. I was there too; I witnessed their impact on society. So that makes talking about them much easier.

That’s not the only reason why I felt more comfortable reviewing music from 2011 than I did from 1962. There was also the fact that 2011 was a much better year for the pop charts. Music had a lot more diversity and the seeds of trends from that year would see faster results the following year than those of 1962. Speaking of diversity, trends and the music of the times, honorable mentions! Go!

Roll Up (Wiz Khalifa) [56; 13; 15 weeks]

I didn’t completely understand the appeal of Wiz Khalifa at first. This song, however, gave me a much better understanding of why he became famous. The production on this song is on point, and Wiz’s delivery gives me good reason to believe he can handle the position of the supportive lover figure. Granted, there is still the implication of stealing a girl from her man, but he doesn’t come across as doing it to rub it in the guy’s face or just to get in her pants. It sounds like he seriously does care about this girl’s feelings and seeing her happy. Kind of wish he did more music like this.

Fast Lane (Bad Meets Evil) [--; 32; 1 week]

This song did a much better job at proving a collaboration with Royce da 5’9” could help reinvigorate Eminem’s career. The pair both get equal time in the spotlight, they play off of each other well and the tone seems a lot more in line with Em’s usual presentation. Yet this wasn’t the song that got popular, which is a shame because it runs circles around ‘Lighters’, not just in its more focused tone, but also in the much smoother delivery by the artists on the track. Here’s hoping that, should they collaborate again, they’ll make more music like this.

Love On Top (Beyoncé) [--; 20; 1 week]

Now this is a Beyoncé song I can get behind. Her singing here is fantastic and the song has a nice groove to it. Normally when Beyoncé sings it feels like she’s repeatedly punching someone in the face, unless she’s singing love songs in which case she usually sounds uninvested. She definitely sounds excited and enthusiastic here though. I don’t know if she’s sung a love song this good since ‘Crazy In Love’. Good on you Beyoncé. Here’s hoping you put out more music like this at some point.

Niggas in Paris (Jay-Z & Kanye West) [--; 6; 12 weeks]

Talk about a study in contrast. You wouldn’t think that Jay-Z and Kanye would work well together. Jay-Z tends to exercise an incredible amount of control on his output whereas Kanye’s become infamous for letting out every stupid idea that crosses his mind almost the instant it crosses it. And yet, the pair plays off of each other well here. I guess what really elevates this song are the forces of personalities both artists bring to the table. It’s just a towering pillar of ego that both men are able to make work despite their conflicting presentations, and the song’s lack of a chorus. Also, random Will Ferrell reference!

Marvin’s Room (Drake) [--; 21; 3 weeks]

I have mixed feelings about Drake. I think he’s capable of making decent music, but his output tends to be pretty uneven. That said he does still have songs I like, like this one. I guess what wins me over here is that it must take a lot of guts to deliberately make yourself look this stupid. The difference between this song and ‘Sexy and I Know It’ is this: that song tried to take what was barely a joke and make it seem funny. ‘Marvin’s Room’ is not a joke; it is completely, soul-crushingly serious. This is what I imagine Drake drunk calling someone would sound like.

Now then, I’m on one, so let’s get to it! We’re counting down…

…THE TOP 10 BEST HIT SONGS OF 2011!

#10.

#10. Paradise (Coldplay) [--; 15; 10 weeks]

…AND…

#9. Every Teardrop is a Waterfall (Coldplay) [--; 14; 6 weeks]

A while back, I mentioned that I was a Coldplay fan, and that still holds true. I didn’t really keep up with their output after 2005 though. So I ended up skipping past ‘Viva La Vida’, despite it supposedly being everywhere. I finally caught back up with them around 2011 and 2012, when I heard some of their newer music of the time, specifically this first song, ‘Paradise’. I only found out about ‘Every Teardrop is a Waterfall’ some time after the fact; mostly because I found out I really dig the guitar line from that song.

Anyway, ‘Paradise’ is a fairly simple song; it’s about a girl who fantasizes about escaping from the world and going to the titular paradise in her mind. The lyrics are not exactly much to write home about, but then the main focus of the song isn’t in the lyrics. No, the song’s primary focus is in the instrumentation and Chris Martin’s vocals. As is usual, the band is able to set up a really pretty, atmospheric framework on the song that Chris Martin’s falsetto caps off fantastically well. So it’s not that different from most of Coldplay’s other work.

This can definitely not be said of ‘Every Teardrop is a Waterfall’, which is why I placed it a bit higher on the list. According to Chris Martin, this song, and all of the songs on their ‘Mylo Xyloto’ album were about “trying to turn bad things into good things somehow”. I can see that in ‘Paradise’ with its theme of running away to a safe haven in one’s mind. ‘Every Teardrop is a Waterfall’, however, eludes me. It mentions rebel songs and balancing between two trapezes, but it never seems to expand much on either of these things. Much like with ‘Paradise’ though, I don’t think the lyrics actually matter that much; the song’s main driving point is that guitar lick.

I ultimately feel like this was a tie of sorts. I think both songs are equally good for different reasons. ‘Paradise’ is more atmospheric and emotional while ‘Every Teardrop is a Waterfall’ is more iconic and powerful. They’re both at least better than the other song Coldplay released around this time: ‘Princess of China’, which had potential but squandered it. I’ll take these two songs over that any day. Maybe we could try to follow Coldplay’s example and find a way to find something good out of something bad ourselves.

#8.

R&B has certainly gone through a decline over the years. It makes me sad to think we went from such acts as Little Richard, Chuck Berry and Nat King Cole to the disposable nothings of songs from guys like Taio Cruz, Trey Songz, and worse yet, Chris Brown and Jason Derulo. Of course, prior to these losers, and even to some extent today, there was one artist that held the mantle as the male R&B artist of the time. That man’s name was Usher Raymond IV.

#8. More (Remix) (Usher) [61; 15; 16 weeks]

There’s a reason Usher is the only R&B artist today that comes anywhere close to being the next Michael Jackson. Justin Timberlake is a close second, but his work hasn’t been as consistently good. That’s not to say everything Usher’s released has been gold either, but here’s the difference: Justin Timberlake has a much more limited range. Usher’s proven time and again that he’s able to cover numerous different styles and subjects.

There are two things that put this song on the list, the first being Usher himself. Unlike other modern R&B artists, whose vocals are so samey-sounding that I can’t tell one from another, Usher has a very distinct voice. And that voice doesn’t just exude personality; it affirms Usher’s command of the audience. The song doesn’t exactly require deep inspection of the lyrics, but their delivery is still sharp and precise. When Usher says to scream, that isn’t a request; it’s an order.

The other element in this song’s favor is the production, handled here by RedOne. In contrast to his most well known work, this song is a “Hi-NRG” genre song. It’s a subgenre of EDM, which makes it clash with the theme of the album it was on, but work really well as a dance track. In fact, this song almost feels too powerful to be a dance song. Yet the music doesn’t overpower Usher’s vocals; it seems to accent them more. The club dance trend might have been on its way out around this time, but I’m glad Usher managed to squeeze this in before the window closed completely. It’s a masterwork of a song, and it leaves me screaming for more every time.

#7.

Remember when Maroon 5 were a real band? I didn’t think so; neither do I. 2011 was the point when they did away with that and sold out. With ‘Moves Like Jagger’, the band officially gave up trying to write new, original ideas and decided to start copying the formulas of other acts. In all fairness, not everything Maroon 5’s released since 2011 has been terrible. One thing to note though is that the band’s selling out seemed to further propel front man Adam Levine upwards in terms of his prominence in the band, to the point that he even started making guest appearances on other songs. Maybe he should just stick to doing that.

#7. Stereo Hearts (Gym Class Heroes ft. Adam Levine) [36; 4; 20 weeks]

This is probably going to be the hardest song on this list for me to talk about because I’m not entirely sure why I like this song. It was Gym Class Heroes’ biggest hit, and it went four times platinum, despite the album featuring it not even selling 100,000 copies. So that means that someone else obviously liked this song. That said what is it about the song that makes me like it?

While I’m not entirely sure, I’ll at least take a stab at it. For starters, the lyrics describe a man choosing love over animosity. This can be noted at the end of the first verse, where Travie McCoy mentions having been hurt in a previous relationship, but moving past it rather than dwell on it or label the other person as this horrible human being. In addition, the song weaves in these interesting music metaphors, like comparing himself to a dusty record and a 50-pound boom box.

Now, these things are nice, but what I think really catches my attention is Adam Levine on the hook. The production during the verses is pretty choppy and not all that pleasant to listen to, but everything smoothes out when it gets to the chorus. It also helps that this is probably the best Adam Levine has ever sounded. Most Maroon 5 songs see him trying to toe the line between sounding pissy and sounding polished. Here, he sounds earnest and heartfelt, and I think it fits him better.

I wouldn’t call this song perfect. I don’t really like the grinding sound that the music makes during the verses, and the music metaphors seem to make this relationship sound terribly needy. That said I still enjoy listening to this song, certainly more than most of Gym Class Heroes or Maroon 5’s other work. This is one melody that’s definitely sticking in my head for a while, and I don’t take issue with that.

#6.

Apparently the ‘90s didn’t want to see its rappers continue to be successful after that decade. Think about it; how many rappers from this time frame are still alive or relevant today besides possibly Eminem? The ones that didn’t die before the end of the decade just wound up fading into obscurity. Even this next artist can’t really claim to still matter today compared to his prime. Doesn’t mean he still didn’t release a good song this year.

#6. Coming Home (Diddy—Dirty Money ft. Skylar Grey) [38; 11; 21 weeks]

I feel kind of awkward putting P. Diddy on this list because most of the songs people likely remember of his aren’t very good. It seems like his better songs are the ones that didn’t get big. So that makes this song an oddity amidst his output. I’ve said before that I’m not a fan of “being famous sucks” songs, and this one has some of the same elements I normally don’t like about them, yet it doesn’t bother me as much. Why is that?

For starters, Diddy manages to do what R. Kelly’s ‘I Wish’ failed at: balancing between talking about the death of a friend and providing specific examples about how fame has affected him. This song tries to tackle real issues that have come with fame rather than spitting out generalizations. Furthermore, the song also manages to balance out the pessimism of the first two verses with a very optimistic final verse and chorus.

Speaking of the chorus, let’s look at that next. The singers here speak of returning home, which could represent finding redemption for one’s past mistakes, seeking peace with oneself after so long away from home and moving on from the loss of Biggie Smalls. God knows Diddy could stand to; many of his previous songs have brought up the subject. It also helps that all three singers sound fantastic. Dawn Richard and Kalenna Harper work well with carrying the melody, but I’d be lying if I said Skylar Grey’s backing vocals didn’t add to it also.

More than anything, I get a sense of hope from this song. It represents seeking peace by returning to the familiar, and it paints that image beautifully. When I’m feeling optimistic or positive, this is the song I listen to. Your kingdom awaits Diddy, and they’ve forgiven your mistakes.

#5.

Much like with the worst list, the upper half of this list is going to get pretty predictable. And I don’t think there was a more obvious song I could’ve chosen for this list than this one.

#5. Rolling In the Deep (Adele) [1; 1; 43 weeks]

Now that I think about it, maybe this’ll be the hardest song for me to talk about, considering everyone else has already discussed it. 2011 was kind of a transitional year for music. Many changes came about this year that would affect the shape of pop music up to today. Most of the positive changes can be traced back to Adele, and especially to this song.

First, let’s look at the production. The best way I can think of to describe ‘Rolling In the Deep’ is that it’s like a well-constructed machine, and I mean that in all the best ways. Every single element to the song serves a specific purpose, and to take away even one of them would ruin the experience. From the guitar licks at the beginning building up the song, to the stomping percussion that drives it forward, to the backing vocals that add to its atmosphere, every part of the song comes into place exactly when it needs to.

Now then, let’s look at the thing everyone else has brought up about the song: its tone. Just prior to this song’s release, most songs on the radio had a curious soullessness to them where they didn’t seem to exude very much emotion. The emotions on this song are quite tangible, however, and justly so. It was apparently written about an ex-boyfriend that told Adele that her life would amount to nothing, and the song is just Adele venting her anger at being told that. I compared this song to ‘Since U Been Gone’ before, but I don’t think even that song could match ‘Rolling In the Deep’s righteous fury.

Ever since this song’s release, other artists have tried desperately to capture its magic. I don’t think any of them have come close though; no other songs since this one have managed to achieve the same fire it did. I don’t even think Adele’s follow up single ‘Someone Like You’ managed it. Some of the changes to the pop music scene that came from this year can be debated where they originated, but the part that sought emotional depth and intensity unquestionably stemmed from here.

#4.

Lady Gaga appears to have been a victim of her own high standards. Back in 2011, it seemed like she would be a big name artist that would last. Fast forward five years later, however, and it looks her career’s puttering out. Part of that could be because she wasn’t able to keep up with the changing trends, or that her scope is a lot more limited than we gave her credit for. Still, I can understand why she left such a lasting impression: because she was a seriously gifted artist, and it’s songs like this that proved it.

#4. The Edge Of Glory (Lady Gaga) [29; 3; 22 weeks]

If there’s something I’ve come to discover when putting these lists together, it’s that I really love bombast in my music. And I’m not sure I can think of a better word to describe the tone of this song. I like plenty of Lady Gaga’s songs, and I’d have a hard time picking out her best, but this one would have to rank pretty high on that list.

First, there’s Lady Gaga’s singing, easily one of her best vocal performances. Rather than trying to go for the weird-sounding vocals like off of ‘Bad Romance’ or ‘Pokerface’, this one just sounds grand and powerful. The lyrics aren’t much to write home about, but they’re not the main focus here. This song isn’t trying to be a deep think piece; it’s just trying to sound awesome.

That brings us to the other big element on this song: the instrumentation. It’s easily what makes this song. Between the organ breakdown after the first chorus, the guitar stab right before the final chorus and the amazing saxophone solo courtesy of the late Clarence Clemons, this entire song gives off this grandiose atmosphere that won me over in seconds. There’s a bit of a cheesy quality to it, but it’s the good kind of cheesy.

Lady Gaga’s dying grandfather inspired the song, specifically in this one moment when she said he looked at her grandmother with an expression saying he’d won at life. That’s the general feeling I get from listening to this song: winning at life. It’s a song that expresses the joy of living and having no regrets as it comes to a close. In that sense, it’s pretty similar to Frank Sinatra’s ‘My Way’. I still consider that the better song between the two since it was told from the perspective of someone that had experienced all that life had to offer. Doesn’t stop ‘The Edge of Glory’ from being a damn good song though.

#3.

Kanye West is a jackass. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…

#3. All of the Lights (Kanye West ft. Rihanna) [59; 18; 16 weeks]

I think all the controversy and making an ass of himself has made people forget that Kanye West is a talented producer and rapper. Yes, even after he became more mainstream and his success went to his head his work remained fantastic. This song in particular is a shining example of what Kanye’s capable of at his best.

Let’s start by focusing on the lyrics. The straightforward message of the song is a story about an abusive boyfriend being sent to jail, being replaced, losing custody of his daughter and, as a result, his sanity. A deeper examination, however, reveals that it could also be Kanye’s telling of his own struggles with fame, particularly after the incident with Taylor Swift. The first verse’s opening line being about the death of Michael Jackson only helps to confirm this.

Production-wise, this song is a goddamn masterpiece. Unlike, say, ‘Country Girl (Shake It For Me)’, which was composed of various musical elements that clashed with each other, all the elements in this song connect with each other seamlessly, and build on the atmosphere of a man losing his mind. In addition, the vocal feature credited to Rihanna alone is actually fourteen performers brought on to contribute their own segments of the song, including Kid Cudi, Alicia Keys, Elly Jackson of La Roux, Drake, Fergie, John Legend, The-Dream and Elton John.

For all everyone seems to make fun of Kanye for how much he embarrasses himself, I think it’s only fair that he be given credit where it’s due. It is a shame the guy does these things to himself, but at least he’s able to make good music out of it. Let’s just hope he can tone down the controversy and maintain the quality of his work…

#2.

A common trait all my friends seem to share is that almost none of them like rap or hip hop music, and I don’t blame them. The genre doesn’t have a good reputation, and tends to attract some of the most unpleasant people. Still though, I don’t think it’s fair to be that dismissive of the genre. There are plenty of hip-hop and rap songs about things besides bragging, dance songs and sex jams. I’ve already listed examples of good rap music on this list and previous lists! And if that’s not enough, let me just add one more:

#2. The Show Goes On (Lupe Fiasco) [28; 9; 23 weeks]

There are some artists that sell out and it’s the clumsiest, worst thing that could’ve happened to them. Others, however, can still manage to pump out quality material despite caving into the demands of studio hacks, and that’s what we have here. Lupe Fiasco has stated that he hates this song and the record company forced him to do it. It certainly does feel like it, and it’s not exactly his best work, but I’d take this over most hip-hop we get nowadays.

To begin with, let’s talk about the production. The song heavily samples ‘Float On’ by Modest Mouse, and the sample fits with the song perfectly. Instead of the demented optimism prevalent in the original, ‘The Show Goes On’ plays it straight, offering a loud, bombastic song that sounds much more uplifting than any other rap song from this year. And a wonderfully used horns section that helps hammer the song’s message accents that.

That brings us to the lyrics and subject matter. On a basic level, it’s your usual self-empowerment anthem, encouraging people from every walk of life, from those in the suburbs to those in the ghettos, to keep chasing their dreams and not let people push them down. The first verse adds a little more to that though, specifically bringing up the feud between Lupe and Atlantic Records, who had repeatedly delayed and tried to ban his third album ‘Lasers’ because he wouldn’t sign their 360 deal. So, if nothing else, Lupe at least got to call out Atlantic Records on their shit and make everyone hear it.

If nothing else, Lupe getting his biggest hit should be enough indication of just how good a year 2011 was for pop music. ‘Coming Home’ might be the song I listen to when I’m feeling optimistic, but this song makes me feel optimistic. And yet, it was only my #2 for this list. Want to know what I thought was better?

#1.

Much like hip-hop, it feels like country music has been declining in quality for years now. That’s especially apparent nowadays with the country charts populated by the likes of Luke Bryan and Florida Georgia Line. People might point to Taylor Swift as the source of the decline, but honestly, she’s benign. Country music had been declining in quality for years before she arrived, and despite what people say, she has released some good songs. We’re not going to be talking about Taylor Swift today though; the country song we’ll be looking at right now is one that I feel represents the genre much better than Taylor Swift could’ve ever hoped to.

#1. Colder Weather (Zac Brown Band) [99; 29; 6 weeks]

One way a song can place on the list is if it pleasantly surprises me. Such was the case with ‘Colder Weather’, which is a fine showcase of country music’s best qualities. It also helps that the Zac Brown Band are such a versatile group compared to most country acts nowadays.

As far as the music goes, the production is fairly straightforward. However, it’s the simplicity of it that works in the song’s favor. The song needs that bare bones sound to set up the atmosphere, and it carries it beautifully. This might be the most subtly beautiful song to chart this year. What truly wins me over for this song is the piano, especially during the chorus. That said, the other elements are what elevate the song: the bass, the guitar licks, the percussion, the fiddle; each comes in one at a time as the song progresses, and that helps gradually build it up to the outro. Yet it feels less like a song that’s all build-up with no pay off; that quieter final section is a powerful climax.

Then there’s the lyrics and subject matter. Country music’s greatest strength has always been its attention to detail, and the details in this song paint an almost painfully clear image. The story speaks of a man who is driven to travel and how it strains his relationship with the woman he addresses in the chorus, to whom he makes various excuses to justify his actions, but she won’t have any of it. Songwriter Wyatt Durrette and the strained relationship he was in with a girl due to timing and geography inspired this and it definitely feels like the song came from somewhere real.

It’s a shame we don’t get country songs like this on the pop charts anymore because we could definitely stand to see more from the Zac Brown Band on Billboard nowadays. Occasionally we see country artists trying to tackle deeper subject matters, but even then they don’t really hit the mark. Certainly don’t come close to doing so the way ‘Colder Weather’ does. And that is why it is my choice for the #1 hit song of 2011. 

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2011

        You know, it can be exhausting to go through music from older decades. That’s not to say I can’t enjoy it, but after a while it can wear a guy down. It’s particularly frustrating when going through a year where not a lot of good stuff happened and the bad stuff was the worst. So this time around, I decided that I would take a look at something more recent. Look, I just really want to wash the taste of 1962 out of my mind, so I’m putting as much space between myself and that year as I possibly can, like a decade or five.
        So that brings us to the 2010s. As of writing this review, this decade has been a mixed bag. On the one hand, we’re getting pretty good years like 2012 and 2015 that introduced a ton of good music that left a lasting impression even after it disappeared. On the other hand, we’ve got years like 2010 and 2013 that either felt bogged down by the trends of the time or were just flat out boring overall. Somewhere in the middle of that spectrum is where you’ll find the year we’ll be looking at today: 2011.
        In some ways, 2011 isn’t too different from 1962: it was still riding some of the trends prominent in the previous year; the bad music was still incredibly stupid compared to everything else from the time and there were still teen idols. That said 2011 still had major differences. In place of the Twist, 2011 had club dance music. Instead of the Beatles being the thing to come along the following year and completely changing the soundscape, it had the indie rock movement. Instead of being incredibly boring and homogenous, the music from this year was more varied and polarizing in terms of quality. While the bad stuff from 2011 was arguably worse than that of 1962, the good stuff was also a lot better.
        We’ll be looking at the best of the year next time though. For now, let’s dive into the bad stuff, starting with our dishonorable mentions:

Judas (Lady Gaga) [--; 10; 5 weeks]

        This is quite possibly one of Lady Gaga’s worst songs. The loud, obnoxious, electro sound does not match her singing style in the slightest. Not only that, but if you’re familiar with Lady Gaga’s music, you likely recognize some elements present in this song from some of her other songs. Specifically, you’ll likely notice that this song blatantly lifts the melodies and key changes from both ‘Pokerface’ and ‘Bad Romance’.

5 O’Clock (T-Pain ft. Wiz Khalifa & Lily Allen) [--; 10; 11 weeks]

        I’m not a fan of Lily Allen, but I do like some of her songs, including this one number, ‘Who’d Have Known’. It’s at least one of her less harsh singles, being about how a friendship blossoms into love. So, what does T-Pain do with this song? He uses it to make a generic song about going to the club and spending time with other women. This is not an improvement to the original! In fact, of the three artists on this song, Lily Allen seems to be the only one with any semblance of dignity or grace. T-Pain spends the song making an ass of himself and Wiz Khalifa takes whatever personality and defensibility that T-Pain might’ve presented and tosses them out the window. In this song’s defense, it’s not the worst example of a song sampling another song and completely missing the point that came out this year.

Run the World (Girls) (Beyoncé) [--; 29; 2 weeks]

        This isn’t Beyoncé’s worst song, I’ll at least say that much. Let me just make this clear: I don’t hate this song because of gender politics or anything. I hate this song because it sounds like ass. On a musical level, this is basically 2011’s equivalent to ‘My Humps’, in that it’s a song about a woman bragging about how she can get her way because men bow to her built around horrendous production and narcissism. I just feel like Beyoncé is a difficult artist for me to get into; her music tends to be too harsh and aggressive or too devoid of personality for me to enjoy. I do like some of her songs, and maybe I’ll get to talk about them on a later list. This, however, just feels like a train wreck, and she’s certainly done better; but as I said, she’s also done worse.

The Motto (Drake ft. Lil’ Wayne & Tyga) [--; 18; 5 weeks]

        Drake, you’re capable of better than this! Even if you do want to brag about how famous you are and how awesome your life is, would it kill you to put the slightest bit of passion or emotion in your vocals? Is there a reason you constantly feel the need to make brag songs where you sound completely bored? Just some enthusiasm would be appreciated! The same goes for you, Lil’ Wayne! Your performance here sounds terribly phoned in, and this is how you present yourself on a song by one of your protégées? Oh, and Tyga’s…there too, I guess. Moving on!

Better With the Lights Off (New Boyz ft. Chris Brown) [--; 38; 3 weeks]

        Well, of course the girl looks better with the lights off, Chris! That makes it a lot easier to ignore the damage you’ve done to her, doesn’t it? The obvious joke aside, is the girl supposed to find this flattering? What kind of girl would feel complimented by being told she looks better with the lights off? I’m glad that this song wasn’t that big of a hit, because what would that say about us as a culture if this had been?

T.H.E. (The Hardest Ever) (will.i.am ft. Mick Jagger & Jennifer Lopez) [--; 36; 1 week]

        Ugh…If this had been an actual hit, it definitely would’ve made the list. will.i.am might’ve been a potentially decent artist in the early years of the Black Eyed Peas’ tenure, but as a solo artist he has no redeeming qualities. This song’s a perfect showcase of his lack of appeal by himself, what with the horrendous production and the phoned in performances of everyone involved. Mick Jagger sounds like the only artist who gave enough of a crap to put forth any effort. Then again, considering this is generally how he sounds when he’s singing, he might be just as unenthused as everyone else. These three want me to go hard? I’d sooner go home.

        Now that that’s taken care of, all I want is to mess around. So let’s not waste anymore time, and count down…

…THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF 2011!

        #10.

        I never truly hated Justin Bieber the same way everyone else did. Don’t get the wrong idea; I’m far from being a fan of the kid. I just never got what it was about the guy that warranted all the explosive bile and outrage that everyone else seemed to have for him. Maybe it was because I didn’t receive the same level of overexposure to him that everyone else did. Maybe it was because I hadn’t actually heard any of his singles. Or maybe it was because this was back before I actually listened to pop music and didn’t care that deeply about artists or personalities.
        So I figured, “Maybe once I sit down and listen to one of his songs I’ll get the hatred everyone else has for the little bastard.” So I did…five years after the fact, with ‘What Do You Mean’, and I thought that song wasn’t too bad. It wasn’t a great song, but it was okay. So then I thought, “Maybe I’ll understand it a bit better if I listened to one of his earlier songs. Maybe I’ll get it then.” Boy, was that a mistake…

#10. Never Say Never (Justin Bieber ft. Jaden Smith) [--; 8; 4 weeks]

        The end of 2010 and beginning of 2011 was kind of an awkward time for Bieber; this was around the time when his voice was starting to change. The public wouldn’t be seeing the results of this until later in the year, but the changes did still affect his sound on several of his songs. He still sounded like a child at this point, but he now had more confidence in his voice. In addition, this was before he would go to such extremes for attention as driving drunk and egging people’s houses. So you’d think that, if there were a point when he’d be most tolerable in the early stage of his career, this would be it. Despite this, however, I can’t get into this song, probably the last song he’d release before his voice dropped completely. Why is that?
        Let’s start by looking at the lyrics. It’s a song about how the narrator is so awesome and nothing can keep him down. When he falls, he gets back up again. Nothing is impossible, and he will “never say “never””. Therein lies the first problem of the song: it’s incredibly generic and doesn’t do anything to stand out from any other self-empowerment anthem. Just this year, we’d be getting about three different ones that were stronger than this one. By having this song performed by Bieber specifically though, it causes him to come across as cocky and headstrong. At this point, he was still viewed as a little kid; he did not have the swagger to pull off a song like this.
        Of course, while I don’t buy Bieber as being a pinnacle of limitless potential, I buy it from Jaden Smith a lot less. Yes, believe it or not, Jaden Smith raps on this song, and it’s clear that, while he inherited his dad’s wealth and fortune, he did not inherit his skills as a rapper. When the only brag you have up against someone bigger and stronger than you is that you got to be on a Justin Bieber song, you need to check your priorities. Furthermore, while Bieber might have developed some confidence in his voice by this point, Jaden Smith most definitely had not; this kid sounds terrified.
        Since hitting puberty, Bieber has gotten better as a performer, but developed into an unlikeable little brat as a person. So it’s up to the reader whether or not you’d consider him having “improved” over the last five years. As for Jaden Smith…well, he’s certainly aware of the doors he can open from having two stars as his parents, that’s for sure. Not even sure I need to mention his Twitter page, but it definitely looks like his background has gone to his head in that department also. So what’s the lesson we should be taking from this? Stop having child performers try to act like big shots before their balls have dropped!

        #9.

        Country music was kind of at a bizarre point in 2011. There was a lot more variety in the genre for starters. While there were still bro country artists even back then, there were also other acts as well, like the more middle-of-the-road country artists like Lady Antebellum and younger, more teenage-y artists who were obviously trying to be Taylor Swift. Since writing these lists, I have started getting a bit more familiar with the genre, but I’d hardly say I’ve developed an attachment with it as of yet. I do recognize that there are good country songs and artists out there. I feel like I need to dig a bit deeper before I encounter them though. Obviously, considering what list I’m working on right now, that’s not what we’re going to be looking at next. With that in mind, let me introduce you all to a fine young man by the name of Luke Bryan.

#9. Country Girl (Shake It For Me) (Luke Bryan) [81; 22; 14 weeks]

        Most of you probably already recognize Luke Bryan from his big hit song back in 2013: ‘That’s My Kind of Night’. Sadly, I’d say that song is a pretty accurate depiction of the kind of music he makes. I don’t know if I’d call this one of his worse songs, but it’s still far from good. I realize I’m not breaking any new ground by saying that bro country is obnoxious and that every song sounds identical, but I don’t know how else to describe this song on a surface level. So rather than try to scratch the surface of this rancid pile of horse manure, I’m diving in headfirst.
        Let’s start by talking about the lyrics. It pretty much has all the bro country clichés you can imagine: girls, trucks, mud, catfish, barns, honky-tonks, the moon, shakin’ dat ass…I guess it’s not the worst set of lyrics from this genre I’ve seen, but it doesn’t do anything to make itself stand out. Luke Bryan is an incredibly limited songwriter; he doesn’t seem to acknowledge anything else in his world outside of trucks, partying and country girls.
        As for the music, again, this song does nothing to make itself unique. The music to this is just bland and unmemorable. Just about the only things that I noticed from it were the banjo and fiddle, which are barely audible over the mish-mash of messily produced other musical elements. Oh, also there’s the loud, buzzing sound that plays right at the beginning of the song that I guess is supposed to be what introduces the rest of the instrumental elements and serves as the driving force of the song. Instead, it just sounds like the guy tried to drive his truck into the recording studio, which I can’t imagine would’ve ended well.
        This made the list, not because it does anything particularly bad, but because it’s completely clichéd as hell without doing anything to justify it. Luke Bryan might be getting something out of this, but all I’m getting is a migraine. In all fairness, his follow-up single, ‘I Don’t Want This Night to End’ was a marginal improvement. It wasn’t good enough to make up for this song, but I thought it was pretty okay I guess. Bit of a shame he only got worse from there. This country girl you’re ogling might be shaking it for you, Luke Bryan, but all I’m shaking is my head, out of shame from learning this exists.

        #8.

        Eminem’s contributions to this year were…let’s just say that, on the whole, they were less than stellar. It’s a shame I have to put it that way because his songs from the previous year were not that bad. ‘Recovery’ wasn’t exactly the album he needed to release to reinvigorate his career after the disastrous previous two albums. However, it was still a welcome return to some level of form. It wasn’t as good as his previous material, but it at least reestablished him as an artist to be taken seriously. His work in 2011, on the other hand, kind of undid that.

#8. I Need a Doctor (Dr. Dre ft. Eminem and Skylar Grey) [51; 4; 16 weeks]

        As it happens, Eminem isn’t the only older artist we’re going to be taking a look at for this particular entry. No, we’re also going to be looking at rapper, producer and former N.W.A. member, Dr. Dre. This particular song was set to be released off of ‘Detox’, an album that was hyped up as Dre’s final album, and which he was working on for almost a decade…before ultimately shelving it. He claimed that it was because, while about twenty to forty tracks had been recorded for it, the album didn’t meet his standards. Since we have just this and one other song to go off of, I’ll have to assume that most of the other songs off of ‘Detox’ would’ve been similar to them. So I can understand why he would say that.
        For starters, the production on this song is a wash. Interestingly, Dr. Dre didn’t actually produce this song himself, instead handing production duties to British music producer Alex da Kid. This guy was pretty big between 2010 and 2013, doing production work for Rihanna, B.o.B., Nicki Minaj, Skylar Grey and Imagine Dragons. His work is a bit of a mixed bag, to say the least. Most of his songs seem to go for this grand, atmospheric sound, and while that can work on some songs, here it sounds too watered down and weak.
        This kind of sound is not the right fit for rappers who normally have a lot of bite and energy like Dr. Dre and Eminem. Honestly I feel like this song would’ve worked a lot better if Dre had produced the track himself. Skylar Grey sounds fine as the song currently is, but the two rappers don’t. I guess that, if he had produced it himself, Skylar Grey wouldn’t sound as good, but that’s why they should’ve hired someone else to sing the chorus!
        Enough about the production; let’s move on to the lyrics and subject matter. Eminem’s verses are his increasingly desperate attempts to get Dr. Dre off his ass and back into the game. Meanwhile, Dre’s single verse is pretty much him talking about how he’s totally going to kill it when he releases his final album, and then he’s going to call it quits after that. Basically, the song’s about Dr. Dre’s attempts at completing ‘Detox’.
        All I can say regarding Dre’s presentation is that it comes across as all bark and no bite. He talks about how great it’s going to be once he finally gets back to work, but with how tired and worn he sounds, it seems more like it’s coming from an old man who’s already past his prime and is only getting older from there. As for Eminem’s verses, his performance isn’t quite as bad as Dre’s, but the attitude he presents here doesn’t suit him at all. Most of his better songs still demonstrate ferocity, but on those songs he comes across as relaxed, almost like being a complete monster of a character is as natural to him as breathing. He is trying way too hard to sound aggressive here, and it just feels forced.
        I think the main failure of this song is that it promised something that never came to fruition. This song offered a taste of the album Dr. Dre had been working on for almost a decade, something he’d put all that time and effort into making just right, and in the end it was all for naught. That’s why this song made the list and ‘Lighters’ didn’t: because, while not a good song itself, ‘Lighters’ actually had something to deliver, while ‘I Need a Doctor’ promised so much and yet gave so little. Dre, you had a good run; you released some good music in your time, but your time’s passed. Just step down and let your career end with some level of dignity.

        #7.

        I included a Black Eyed Peas song on this list, and it’s not ‘The Time (Dirty Bit)’. If it makes people feel better, it’s not because I like the song; it’s because the song didn’t qualify. It technically peaked higher at the end of 2010, so I decided to leave it off the list. Doesn’t mean I won’t still be tearing into one of the disastrous songs off of that same album though.

#7. Just Can’t Get Enough (The Black Eyed Peas) [10; 3; 26 weeks]

        I’ll at least say this much: between this single and the previous single, this one is the better of the two. At least will.i.am didn’t recycle this song over and over again like he did with ‘Dirty Bit’. In fact, this is probably one of the better singles to come from ‘The Beginning’, the band’s sixth studio album. That said, this is still not a good song, and I still have serious problems with it.
        For starters, let’s talk about the chorus. The song’s hook is built around a tired, overused metaphor that we’ve already heard way too much: the “love is drugs” metaphor. It’s pretty much exactly what it sounds like: describing love as being something addictive, that the person describing it can’t get enough of. Now, I know I’ve passed over this metaphor on previous songs, but those songs were also subtle about how they made the comparison, something this song doesn’t seem to know how to do.
        The band has apparently said that this song was meant for them to showcase the physical and emotional range of Fergie’s voice. Yeah, because by this point, after almost a decade of her being in the group, God knows we hadn’t heard nearly enough of Fergie yet! Despite that, I guess this does demonstrate some range in Fergie’s voice…in that the vocal performance doesn’t sound remotely like Fergie. Seriously, this sounds like someone’s grandmother performed it.
        Lyrically, the song’s no different from any other post-‘Elephunk’ Black Eyed Peas song. It’s just a bunch of clumsily presented lyrics that don’t make sense when you actually sit down and listen to them. This is basically just ‘Don’t Phunk With My Heart’ or ‘Don’t Lie’, but with Fergie sounding like she has a bad cold. There are a few decent lyrical choices, like the first two lines of will.i.am’s verse, and the first line of Taboo’s verse, but outside of a small handful of lines, the song just doesn’t use its words well.
        As for the production, it starts out alright. Nothing special, but coming from a Black Eyed Peas song, especially off of this album, it’s fine. Now, if the song had remained on this level, I would be perfectly fine dismissing the whole thing as merely passably boring. Of course, will.i.am couldn’t be bothered to leave well enough alone and decided to jack the whole thing up like it’s on steroids for the last verse. It reaches the point that apl.de.ap’s performance is barely audible over the droning sound of the background music and will.i.am’s constant shouting of “Switch up!” in the background. This honestly wouldn’t have made the list at all if not for that last quarter of the song.
        I don’t know what the Black Eyed Peas were thinking releasing this song, especially as a single. In summary, its chorus is uninspired, its lyrics are half-assed and its production is mediocre at best and obnoxious and repetitious at worst. Keep in mind; this song represents this album at its best. This was as good as the ‘The Beginning’ got. If this was the best the group had to give to the general public from this mess of an album, maybe they would’ve been better off not releasing it at all.

        #6.

        There was a time when I gave a shit about Britney Spears. I liked the singles off of her first two albums, and she did have that star quality to her back in the day that made her stand out. However, I stopped caring around her fourth album, specifically ‘Toxic’. For me, it was the first sign that her music was going downhill. So by the time 2011 came along, I was well past the point of caring about Britney Spears. Apparently that wasn’t the case with some people, because she had three hit singles this year, all of them are terrible and this one might be the worst.

#6. I Wanna Go (Britney Spears) [46; 7; 17 weeks]

  I realize that Britney Spears’s music is merely an excuse for why she’s famous at this point. Even so, that’s not a feasible excuse for disasters like the songs she released in 2011. ‘Hold It Against Me’ and ‘Till the World Ends’ are both terribly annoying and not memorable, but they can both at least be labeled as complete songs. I honestly don’t even know where to begin with ‘I Wanna Go’ though. It’s not a perfect representation of the problems in Britney Spears’s music, but it comes pretty damn close.
        I guess I could start with the lyrics and subject matter. This song is just about how Britney feels all pent up and needs to let loose and get her freak on. Just for those unaware, a few years prior to this she was placed under permanent conservatorship under her father and attorney. Still though, Britney Spears, who released ‘Piece of Me’ four years prior, needs some form of primal release? No, I don’t buy it. Even if it were true, I don’t feel like letting her go crazy would end well, considering some of the things she’s done while letting loose in the past.
        As is usual with Britney’s music nowadays, this song is also overproduced as hell. There are numerous musical elements cluttered together on this song, especially during the chorus. You’ve got the synthesized strings, the drum machine, the dubstep, the pointless whistled sections, the vocal effects used on Britney’s voice…It’s just a clusterfuck of a song. Of course, there are also the countless stuttered segments, both in the music and in Britney’s vocals. They create the impression that the track’s been scratched or that it’s skipping. Guys, we don’t need Britney Spears anymore. Stop giving her hits and move on.

        #5.

        Just a warning: the upper half of this list is going to get incredibly predictable. Keep that in mind as we continue.

#5. Jar of Hearts (Christina Perri) [55; 17; 17 weeks]

        Now that I’ve gotten to this particular song, I’ll also need to bring up yet another genre of music to add to the catalogue: the white-chick-with-piano song. This is the true distaff counterpart to the white-guy-with-acoustic-guitar song, in that the worst of the genre tend to possess the same level of lazy pretentiousness trying to disguise itself as depth. Whereas white-guy-with-acoustic-guitar songs tend to be sung by the endless number of frat bro douche bags the world over, white-chick-with-piano song tends to be populated by amateur piano balladeers who think they’re Bella from ‘Twilight’. And I don’t think there is another artist out there that fits that description more than Christina Perri.
        First things first: I can’t stand her voice. Christina Perri just manages to perform these supposedly emotional songs without the faintest hint of care or passion in her vocals. She sounds like a robot that was programmed to sing! Maybe she could’ve made up for this if she demonstrated any semblance of personality or charisma. Unfortunately, she seems to be severely lacking in that department as well. She’s basically just a mannequin that somehow learned to play the piano and has a tape player that makes it seem like she’s singing. Regarding the music, she’s stated that she imagined people dancing to it, to which I must ask why would you make a dance song out of a break up song?
        Of course, I could look past all of these things if the lyrics and subject matter were strong enough to make up for them. Yet, once again, we find that even in this regard she doesn’t seem all that gifted. I’ll sum up this entire song for you: “You hurt me and are a horrible person, but I’m over you now.” I don’t know when pop music decided that the best way to write break up songs was to try and paint the other person as a cartoon villain, but it’s something I’ve grown incredibly sick of.
        Also, it doesn’t help that Christina Perri’s lack of any emotional heft makes her incredibly unconvincing. I’m not a fan of Alanis Morissette’s ‘You Oughta Know’ or any of Beyoncé’s “destroying this horrible man I was dating for some reason” songs, but I at least felt like they knew how to dump an asshole. Meanwhile, Christina Perri chooses some of the most childish, uninspired lyrics in some vain attempt to make herself sound deep, like “You’re gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul”, “I learned to live half alive/And now you want me one more time” and probably the line that really seals the deal for me, “I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed”.
        Yes, I will admit that break ups suck and that it can sometimes make one feel like they made a terrible mistake dating the person in the first place. That said, if you’re going to write a break up song, you should either really consider the parties at fault for the break up or know how to properly destroy the jerk that did you wrong.

        #4.

        I’ve touched briefly on the Latino craze of the late ‘90s, but I don’t think I’ve actually gotten to touch on that many of the artists that it spawned. I mean, I’ve touched on Ricky Martin, but he didn’t have any hits in 2011. Quite a few others had hits this year though, including Enrique Iglesias. I remember liking his first hit song, ‘Bailamos’. Unfortunately, I realize that the warning signs should’ve been visible back then. While ‘Bailamos’ wasn’t a bad song, it did still have some undertones that, in hindsight, kind of make it fit in with Enrique’s more recent work. Most of you will likely disagree, and I won’t blame you for it. In the end, it’s still a harmless enough dance song that people can enjoy. Or at least people could enjoy it until they realized Enrique would go on to release this:

#4. Tonight (I’m Fuckin’ You) (Enrique Iglesias ft. Ludacris and DJ Frank E) [16; 4; 22 weeks]

        If there’s something I’ve come to learn about famous people, it’s that they can be complete assholes. With some of them, they don’t really allow that to affect their music; they can still come across as at least relatable people. For others, it’s a lot easier to pick up on it. In that case, you can have people that either own their inner asshole and just run with it, or you can have people that try to cover it up anyway and fail at it. That last one is what we have with this song. Enrique is still trying to present himself as a sensitive lover figure, but doesn’t seem to realize how unpleasant of a person he comes across as.
       The general persona I got from Enrique was that he was basically the Spanish equivalent to a dude bro; pretending to act romantic when all he really cares about is getting in the girl’s pants. This wasn’t really prevalent in his music up until around 2010 with his first major hit since the early 2000s, ‘I Like It’, where he encourages his latest conquest to cheat on her boyfriend with him, revealing that he’s also cheating on his girlfriend. That said the main problems with that song could be traced more to the presence of guest rapper Pitbull, who is probably one of the less talented rappers from the time. The same can’t be said of ‘Tonight (I’m Fuckin’ You)’, where Enrique himself is the song’s biggest problem.
        I don’t think I even need to spell it out to everyone, but here goes: the song is about how Enrique is going to…well, have his way with you. Even if I were to believe Enrique was the type to just tell his conquest that sex will happen and it happens, this still gives off uncomfortable vibes. The song that it brings to mind more than anything is the song ‘Blurred Lines’ by Robin Thicke. In other words, this song sounds incredibly rapey. Enrique does try to offer compliments to the girl he’s singing to, but they sound incredibly contrived.

You’re so damn pretty

If I had a type then baby it would be you

I know you’re ready

If I never lied then baby you’d be the truth

        In other words, she isn’t your type. Also, if you never lied, then she’d be the truth? So I guess that means that, if he never lied, she’d be all he would talk about? But that implies that he does lie, so he doesn’t talk about her? Those hardly seem like flattering compliments, dude.
        I guess I should mention the other two artists on this song: Ludacris and DJ Frank E. I’ve covered Ludacris on a previous list, and I honestly do like the guy. Unfortunately, he clearly was not trying on his guest verse here. Then there’s DJ Frank E, the producer on the song. He’s done production work for other artists, most notably Pitbull, Chris Brown, Cody Simpson and Flo Rida. His production here’s pretty generic; just a basic club beat for the verses and lackluster glissandos when it gets to the chorus. The music doesn’t try to create atmosphere; it’s just there to remind the listener that it’s a club song.
        I feel like Enrique’s decision to jump aboard the club dance music craze was the wrong move. He clearly only did it to regain success in the pop world that left him behind. Instead, all it did was expose and amplify all of his biggest flaws. Yet he thought he’d be able to jump back into the whole Latin lover schtick afterwards and maintain his presence on the pop charts. Considering he’s only managed two other chart successes since this song’s release, that should be enough proof of how much that idea flopped. I can say this much; no Enrique, tonight you’re most certainly not fucking me.

        #3.

        I don’t think I’ll be surprising anyone by putting this artist on the list. Considering how successful he was in 2011, it was inevitable that one of his songs would place here. All that left to answer was which turd he shat out was the smelliest, the vilest and the most repugnant of them all? More importantly, which one pissed me off the most?

#3. Look at Me Now (Chris Brown ft. Lil’ Wayne and Busta Rhymes) [21; 6; 25 weeks]

        I wouldn’t say this song inspires quite the same level of rage as Extreme’s ‘More Than Words’, but it comes pretty close. I’ve never been a fan of Chris Brown, and I actually don’t like a single one of his songs, not even ‘Forever’. So, as far as I’m concerned, he serves no purpose in the pop music world. Yet, even today, Sir Domestic Abuse here is still managing to score hits.
        Anyway, 2011 was actually a fairly successful period for Chris Brown, who scored four hit songs on his own and four more if you count the tracks that featured him. So I had quite a few to choose from to include on this list. ‘Look At Me Now’ just happened to be the one that got the biggest emotional reaction out of me: pure, unfiltered rage. On some level, I understand that this is what the song is aiming for: to piss off Chris Brown’s haters with his fame and success by rubbing it in their faces. So, in that regard, the song is a success. That said, it seems like the song is trying to make me jealous of Chris Brown, who is trying his best to demonstrate how much better he is than me. The thing is I’m not jealous of him for how successful he is compared to me; I just want to see him tied to a post, doused in gasoline and burned alive so that he’ll shut the fuck up. Also Chris, if you really wanted to rub how much better you are in my face, you probably should’ve actually learned how to rap.
        Speaking of rapping, let’s talk about the two guest rappers on the track. The first one to appear is Busta Rhymes, who is a decent enough rapper. And if I may be positive for a second, his verse is probably the best part of the song. Still, just like with Ludacris on the last entry, it’s clear listening to this that the guy wasn’t trying. I mean, he fills out spaces in his verse with nonsense syllables like “dadadada”, “badaboom a badabing” and even halfway though he just fills out a line with the phrase, “again, and again, and then again”. Still, it’s a solid verse and takes up about a third of the song, so it’s not like I’m complaining about it that much.
        That leaves us with Lil’ Wayne’s verse, which again isn’t too bad. At the very least he seems to be trying to make his verse sound good, despite him saying he isn’t. Still, I can’t help but feel like his verse could’ve been a bit better than it is. Also, he drops a few brand names, which I always tend to take issue with in a song. Still, some rhymes connect and it doesn’t piss me off nearly as much as the main performer on the song does.
        Pretty much all of Chris Brown’s material after the incident between him and Rihanna suffers the same problem: all of it seems uncomfortably aware of the incident and doesn’t try to draw attention away from it. You’ve got songs that try to be love songs that insist that Chris Brown not be judged based on the past, you’ve got sex songs demonstrating some uncomfortable themes in the lyrics and you’ve got brag tracks rubbing Chris’s success in the faces of his haters. Okay, he did release an entire album of apology songs, but they were all completely phony and that album tanked.
        I’m not sure what Chris Brown should’ve done after the incident, though I guess that’s something he should’ve thought about before he did it, or better yet, he should’ve decided not to do it at all! However, he did, and this was what he decided to do, so now here he stands before us all as the complete shit stain of a person that he is! Fuck you, Chris Brown! Fuck you with something sharp, jagged, rusty and infected!

        #2.

        And now, my dear readers, I present to you the most obvious song I could have possibly included on this list.

#2. Sexy and I Know It (LMFAO) [57; 2; 14 weeks]

        I don’t want to give the impression that I’m bending to popular opinion by including this song. If my opinion differs from that of the general public, I’ll be sure to let people know. Such wasn’t the case with this song though; it made this list because it’s that bad. Much like with Ray Stevens, I would classify LMFAO’s output as stupid humor; it requires the brain to be switched off to enjoy. They might be descendants of the late Berry Gordy Jr., but they demonstrate nothing to indicate that this contributed to their musical talents, which they are noticeably lacking in.
        As for ‘Sexy and I Know It’ specifically, I don’t think there’s anything I could say about this song that hasn’t been said already. It’s just LMFAO writing a song inspired by Right Said Fred’s ‘I’m Too Sexy’, and it sounds like what one might imagine an LMFAO version of ‘I’m Too Sexy’ would sound like. It’s mindless, it’s repetitious, it’s uninspired and it’s borderline offensive. The entire message of the song is to make fun of the idea of men taking pride in their bodies. I wouldn’t call myself a man boasting incredible physical attractiveness, but I feel like it’s kind of thoughtless to make fun of people taking pride in their bodies, even when they don’t fit the conventional standards of beauty.
        Of course, while arguably not the biggest problem with the song, the production’s incredibly bad too. It’s just the same set of four bars repeated endlessly all throughout the song. Let’s just take a moment and compare it to their previous, much better hit single ‘Party Rock Anthem’. While not a great song, it at least had shifts and changes in the music and beat. In fact, the instrumentation was probably the saving grace of that song; it created an atmosphere that invited the listener to dance and, with the club dance craze now dead and gone, sounds much better after a few years of being away from it. ‘Sexy and I Know It’ not only started out bad, but it hasn’t aged well either.
        LMFAO lucked out in that they briefly became relevant to the trends of the time. Outside of their family connections, that’s the only excuse I can think of regarding how they got a hit at all, let alone two of them. Fortunately, the club music boom died off by the following year, as did any chance of the duo gaining any further chart success, and good riddance I say. I’ve had enough party rocking to last me a lifetime at this point.

        #1.

        I’ve touched briefly on the subject of sampling on numerous occasions now. I think I’ve made it clear I don’t have anything inherently against it. Samples can be used well, or even artistically. For example, the Eminem song ‘Stan’ does a great job recontextualizing the Dido song ‘Thank You’ so that, rather than a love struck girl, it’s about an unhealthily obsessed fan. Also, some songs can even improve on the sample being used in some ways, such as with Marky Mark’s ‘Good Vibrations’, which took a disco song and converted it into a new jack swing song.
        All that said, I still notice when a sample is used poorly. Some songs fail to shift the context of a song when they sample it like with T-Pain’s ‘5 O’Clock’. Others can even make the sample sound worse like with Pitbull’s ‘Feel This Moment’. This particular song might not be very well remembered, and people will likely not agree with this decision since this isn’t this next artist’s worst song. That said I wouldn’t have included this song on the list if I didn’t think it belonged here.

#1. Don’t Wanna Go Home (Jason Derulo) [87; 14; 11 weeks]

        I can’t think of any defense for this song, none at all. There’s sampling being used to take an idea from another song and use it in a different, creative way and then there’s taking something that was decent enough as it was and doing everything in your power to desecrate it. Jason Derulo has been guilty of this offense more than once. ‘Whatcha Say’ was not the only example of Derulo shamelessly sampling songs and missing the point of the original.
        For starters, the man’s lyrics are as forgettable as they come. These are some of the most cliché, cookie-cutter club dance song lyrics he could have possibly come up with. I realize the man was late to the club dance music boom at the time, but that is not an excuse to exercise this little effort in putting the words to the song together. Take the third line of the chorus: “Yes-oh, we losin’ control”. “Yes-oh”? What are you even saying? You really need to consider using your words better-oh, Derulo…-oh. Okay, I know the line’s supposed to be “Yeah so, we losin’ control”, but the man’s voice just seems to slur his words together in ways that shouldn’t be possible. And the noticeably phony accent he’s going for doesn’t help matters.
        In addition, there’s the choice of sample he used. To begin with, it’s a terrible song to sample for a club song. ‘Day-O (The Banana Boat Song)’ is a traditional Jamaican folk song told from the perspective of banana-loading dock workers who are looking forward to the end of their shift so they can go home. This does not lend itself to the idea of clubbing until the break of dawn. Also, if you’re going to sample a song, shouldn’t you at least include part of the original song? I don’t hear any portion of that song in what Derulo’s created. At least when Lil’ Wayne sampled it for ‘6 Foot 7 Foot’ you could actually tell that they were using a portion of the song. Derulo didn’t even use the melody for his song; he just stole some of the lyrics.
        I can’t think of any good things to say about this song. It’s lazy, it’s obnoxious and it shamelessly steals from other songs. It’s not Derulo’s worst song, but it’s pretty high up there. To this song’s credit, it’s at least forgettable enough that it didn’t leave much of an impact on the popular consciousness; otherwise it could stand to be a whole lot worse. As is though, it is still the worst hit song of 2011.