Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 1974

Hello again folks. Well, it’s been over a year now, so I figured I would take another stab at the ‘70s. This particular year was a suggestion from a friend, and…Well, I’ll say this much, 1974 is not the worst year I’ve covered. It is, however, one of the blandest. Almost none of the music from this year was remotely catchy; the moment after I finished listening to a song I would forget how it went.

I can understand why people label this year the worst for music in the ‘70s, and even to some degree the worst for music period. It’s not bad in any of the interesting ways; the music’s too samey-sounding to be distinguished and too dull to be memorable. Even putting together the worst list was quite difficult because so little inspired a reaction from me. Don’t think for a moment that I wasn’t able to fill out this list though, because where this year went bad, it went terrible. Speaking of which, let’s cut to the chase and start out with our dishonorable mentions, shall we?

I’m a Train (Albert Hammond) [--; 31; 4 weeks]

Albert Hammond repeatedly says he’s a train; that’s the whole song. Also, the nursery rhyme melody irritates the hell out of me. Get used to me saying that, because it’s a recurring problem with a lot of the songs on this list.

One Day at a Time (Marilyn Sellars) [--; 37; 2 weeks]

I’m not making a solid case for myself having nothing against religious music, am I? Look, I can understand why other people like this music, but I just can’t stand songs like this. It’s slow; it’s tedious; its tempo sounds seasick; its lyrics are terribly schmaltzy. And to top it all off, Marilyn Sellars just isn’t a very impassioned singer.

Sugar Baby Love (The Rubettes) [--; 37; 2 weeks]

This made it here almost entirely because of that falsetto voice right at the beginning that could shatter glass. Though, it’s not like the rest of the song makes up for it. It repeats those three words enough times to make your brain hemorrhage, and the harmonies are too lackluster to make up for any of that. And then there’s the spoken-word bridge, which is so laughably bad it’s almost self-parody.

Let’s Straighten It Out (Latimore) [--; 31; 3 weeks]

I didn’t know Barry White’s music until I worked on this list. Having done so, I think it’s safe to say that this Latimore guy was a wannabe. And unfortunately, he lacks all the charisma that Barry White possessed. Not helping matters is that he was given such a dull song to work with. The tempo is so slow I can practically count the sixty-fourth beats between measures.

The Air That I Breathe (The Hollies) [50; 6; 11 weeks]

This song is so corny I can practically see the kernels in its teeth. “Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you”? So, you only need to breathe sometimes? Also, the sentiment’s just so generic. They might as well have said “All I need are my organs” or “All I need is to exist”. Though I guess those wouldn’t have fit the meter.

Now then, hang on in there baby; we’re counting down…

…THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF 1974!

#10.

Something I noticed about this year was that there were a lot of slow-tempo ballads. I don’t know if that necessarily contributed to this year being as generic as it was, but it certainly didn’t do it any favors. Most of them I was willing to look past, since they weren’t really worth mentioning. I felt like this one warranted mention though, and if you know anything about bad ‘70s music, this act should need no introduction.

#10. Love Me For a Reason (The Osmonds) [--; 10; 7 weeks]

I’ve covered Donny and Marie Osmond previously, but I think this is my first time tackling the Osmond family as a whole. Although, it’s not like I need to; it’s been universally accepted at this point that the Osmonds were terrible. The Osmond family was to the ‘70s what Pat Boone was to the ‘50s and early ‘60s. They performed store-brand, white bread versions of other songs by better artists.

This particular number is a cover of a Johnny Bristol song, one that isn’t too bad. I honestly can’t imagine how much the guy was paid to let the Osmonds desecrate his song, but it couldn’t possibly have been enough. You might not realize this if you look up the lyrics for yourself, but the Osmonds changed half of the verses and even managed to mangle the final verse! I’ve checked every lyric site I can find, and every one of them has the Osmonds’ “revised” edition, leaving Johnny Bristol’s version to the dustbin of history.  

Another issue is that the music to their version is terribly bland. The original had interesting musical elements, including what sounds like a harpsichord driving the melody. The Osmonds’ version is a twinkling, sparkly snoozefest that would’ve fit in with any other song of theirs and not stand out in the slightest. I mean, there are bells there like the original version, but besides that the song sounds nothing like it.

It makes me sick to think that people were more interested in this neutered, stale rice cracker of a song over the original, which of course didn’t chart and has faded from the public consciousness. This charted low because I know the Osmond family is capable of much, much worse.

#9.

I’ve made it no secret that I am not a fan of Ray Stevens. I just don’t understand his sense of humor and the music he makes all tends to require as little thought to go into it as possible. Despite this, he not only saw a lot of success in the ‘60s, but even managed some success into the ‘70s. In fact, we’ll be covering two songs that had Ray Stevens’s influence on them, one now and one later. Although, say what you want about Ray Stevens; at least he had no potential to disappoint people by not achieving. This next artist doesn’t have that excuse.

#9. Rub It In (Billy ‘Crash’ Craddock) [--; 16; 9 weeks]

Technically this song’s a cover and Stevens only produced the original version, but I personally feel that anything he’s touched is beyond salvation. Billy ‘Crash’ Craddock wasn’t a bad artist. He was clearly trying to be Elvis when he started out, and the country music he released soon afterwards was nothing to write home about, but I didn’t have anything against the guy. And yet, I can’t stand his biggest American hit at all.

The first thing you’ll likely notice about this song, and most of the songs on this list, is that it’s hokey as all hell. There’s an overall sense of forced cheer to this song and every nauseating second of it is painful to sit through. It feels like someone told a morbid joke and is still elbowing me in the ribs trying to get a laugh out of me.

Of course, that’s before we get into the lyrics and subject matter. The idea of the song is that it sets up this really suggestive situation of a guy and a girl meeting on the beach, and then it becomes this goofy number about rubbing suntan lotion on one’s skin. First of all, how does this make the song any less suggestive? Rubbing in suntan lotion can still be taken as sexual or sexy. Second of all, where’s the joke? All that’s happening is that the guy’s getting lotion rubbed on him.

Craddock managed more successes on the US and Canadian country charts, and even one more hit with ‘Ruby Baby’, but by the ‘90s he was pretty much gone. Still, that can’t be any comfort to those that had to suffer through this. This song didn’t belong anywhere on the pop charts, and I can’t possibly rub that in enough.

#8.

Going back to the Osmonds for a moment, they were also responsible for causing bad music to happen indirectly during the ‘70s. This next act was originally discovered while touring with the Osmonds, and if there were ever a band whose association with them did them no favors, it was this one.

#8. Billy Don’t Be a Hero (Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods) [21; 1; 12 weeks]

Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods were an act whose success didn’t span past the mid ‘70s. They only managed three chart successes, two of which were covers of British songs that didn’t see success in the US, and all three of which charted this year. Unfortunately, the three of them were disappointingly lackluster, and this one is the worst by far.

First of all, we’re once again treated to a dose of hokey music. I’m not against flutes being used in pop music, but this one isn’t used well at all. It just makes the song sound like what you’d hear at a children’s band performance. It also gives us yet another sing-songy, nursery rhyme melody that we didn’t need any more of.

Then there’s the lyrics and subject matter. Look, I understand that some people find songs about somber subjects like soldiers dying in a war sentimental and emotionally riveting, but that doesn’t make them good. The cheery tune this song used completely clashes with the tone it’s going for. I’m not brought to tears by the sad story of a soldier who died; I just feel like vomiting at how forcefully upbeat the song sounds in contrast.

Due to the timing of this song’s release, some listeners associated it with the Vietnam War. It’s since been stated that it’s referring to an unidentified war, but I feel like that just makes it worse. At least, if it had been connected to the Vietnam War that would’ve given some justification for this song’s existence. As is though, it’s the equivalent of someone writing a jaunty tune about how much death sucks without grieving a specific person. It’s obnoxious; it’s stupid; it’s utterly pointless.

#7.

What are some of the artists you think of when you think of the worst music of the ‘70s? Many people may have different answers to this question, but there’s at least one artist people can all agree on: Donny Osmond.

#7. I’m Leaving It Up to You (Donny and Marie Osmond) [81; 4; 10 weeks]

I really don’t like picking on easy targets, but ‘Deep Purple’ made it on my ‘worst of ‘76’ list, and this song’s making it on this list. And in my defense, it’s not like I don’t have good reason for this. I just hate everything about Donny Osmond. I hate his obnoxious, cheery wholesomeness; I hate his dorky, stupid hairstyle; I hate his insufferable, grinning face! And every time I see it, I just want to sock him in his perfect teeth!

This particular song isn’t all that noteworthy in terms of his discography, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still have issues with it. Like pretty much every pre-1980’s Donny Osmond song, this one was a cover of an older song, this one originally performed by Don Harris and Dewey Terry. Although, while the original version wasn’t exactly great either, it was at least better than this dull turd of a song. And like ‘Deep Purple’, this one was also covered by a different duo prior to Donny and Marie getting their grubby little mitts on it.

All three versions of the song suffer the same problem: they’re all slow and lifeless. The ’74 version is made worse purely because of the performers though. As is expected at this point, they don’t even bother to stick to the lyrics of the original song. Also, while not great performances, Don Harris and Dewey Terry at least sounded like adults when they sang the song; it sounded like it was coming from people that understood how relationships work. Donny and Marie both have the maturity of third graders.

These two had another hit this year, which I decided to let slide because otherwise I’d be crowding this list with too many Osmond songs. Doesn’t make this song suck any less though. Do yourselves a favor folks: don’t leave anything up to Donny Osmond.

#6.

Paul Anka left a very favorable impression on me based on the first song of his I heard, ‘Goodnight My Love’. To my disappointment, when going through his early work, I realized that he started out as the poor man’s Neil Sedaka. That seemed to change around 1963, once the hits dried up, resulting in much better, more emotional songs that sounded like adults wrote them. Then the ‘70s happened, and Paul Anka’s remaining promise dispersed.

#6. One Man Woman—One Woman Man (Paul Anka & Odia Coates) [--; 13; 6 weeks

If there’s one thing I will give Paul Anka credit for, it’s that he grew into a very versatile artist in the ‘60s. He was able to cover a fairly diverse range of subjects. And, to his credit, he does try to step outside of his wheelhouse for this song. Though, considering what it’s about, maybe it would’ve been better if he hadn’t.

If there’s something people have likely noticed throughout these lists, it’s that I’m not big into songs about cheating on one’s lover. Some artists have the charisma to pull it off or justify it, but Paul Anka isn’t one of those artists. He’s too nice for a song like this; I don’t buy that he would be the kind of person to do this.

Even if he were though, there’s a much bigger problem with this song: the fact that neither party involved seemed to learn anything from Paul Anka’s cheating. At no point in the song do he or Odia Coates demonstrate that they felt any kind of investment in the fact that he was cheating. Anka doesn’t seem to honestly regret the fact that he was cheating and Coates doesn’t seem to care. The song claims they’ve moved past it by the end, but there’s no indication that things will change between them.

If Paul Anka’s output hadn’t already started dropping in quality by this point in his career, this might’ve placed higher on this list. In all fairness, I wouldn’t even call this his worst song. As is though, it’s still a huge disappointment coming from an artist I used to like. Moving along!

#5.

So, what could be worse than a song that uses a nursery-rhyme melody as its base? How about a song that is literally based on a nursery rhyme?

#5. Mockingbird (Carly Simon & James Taylor) [52; 5; 13 weeks]

Okay, it’s a children’s lullaby and not technically a nursery rhyme, but the premise still stands. And it looks like this year’s now given us not one, but two terribly corny covers of what were already awful songs. It’s especially disappointing to think that this sappy thing came from Carly Simon and James Taylor, who took themselves seriously on every other song of theirs.

Anyway, let’s look at the music, which is, once again, the tritest sound they could have possibly picked. Isn’t folk music supposed to have some somberness to it? This sounds like it was played for square dancing night at your aunt and uncle’s house, and not even the cool ones either.

And that leaves us with the lyrics and subject matter. The song, like I said, is based around the classic lullaby ‘Hush Little Baby’. See though, that song is about offering your kid various different things in order to get them to shut up and go to sleep. It’s not exactly what works as this jaunty love song about one’s lover buying them things because God knows why. Oh, and they changed the lyrics like pretty much every other cover song I’ve covered so far. The thing is the lyrical changes don’t enhance the song; they just make the singers come across like whiny, spoiled divas. That’s right, folks; if your lover doesn’t buy you shit, that means they don’t love you. So you should shout and scream and cause a ruckus until they do!

I don’t know what else to say about this one. The music’s crap, the lyrics make no sense, and the message is terrible. Then again, considering James Taylor helped perform this, I guess the lack of a positive message shouldn’t surprise me that much. Moving along!

#4.

I hate Ray Stevens! I don’t understand what people found funny about him! His idea of diversity in comedy is trying out a different stupid voice and calling it a day! As a comedian, he’s a black hole; sucking in everything, crushing it into nothing and not allowing anything to escape once it gets close to him! If Ray Stevens’d had ten hits this year, all ten would be on this list! He only had one, so that’s what made the cut!  

#4. The Streak (Ray Stevens) [8; 1; 12 weeks]

I know I’ve already talked about Ray Stevens so my hate for him should be prevalent by now. But as long as I keep covering years where his songs have charted, you’re going to continue hearing about him. So I’ll try to keep this brief.

As is par for the course at this point, the song is built around one barely functioning joke of a premise. This time, it’s that a man keeps running through places completely naked. Because ha ha; naked people are hilarious! Apparently streaking was a big thing at this time, but Stevens jumped on the craze right as it was being put to a stop. I guess the ‘70s were just rife with bizarre trends that were stupid in hindsight; the streaking craze, the trucker craze…

 But let’s step away from the comedy and look at the song on its own merits. It’s still terrible. One of the biggest issues I take with Ray Stevens is that his voice is capable of carrying a melody, yet in most cases he chooses not to. That’s exactly what happens with this song; Stevens tries to perform it all in this horrendous “comedic” voice that can’t hold a tune, even during the chorus, the only time he even bothers trying to sing. The music’s pretty bad too; just this hackneyed music that’s trying to sound funny but just leaves me embarrassed for everyone that had to play this.

Much like with ‘Guitarzan’, I feel like this isn’t Ray Stevens at his worst. It’s still terrible, but I know that Ray Stevens can sink far, far lower than this in terms of quality. It might not have even been that noteworthy if it weren’t for Ray Stevens performing every other song around this time completely straight. In fact, most of his work in the early ‘70s took itself incredibly seriously, which makes this song kind of an odd choice. Not that I’d want to listen to any of those other songs from this time or ever either. Next!

#3.

Well folks, we’ve addressed the small fries; now it’s time to address the largest cob in the bunch. That’s right; I present to you the hokiest song that charted this year:

#3. Jim Dandy (To the Rescue) (Black Oak Arkansas) [--; 25; 6 weeks]

Black Oak Arkansas is an American southern rock band named after their hometown of Black Oak, Arkansas. Their lead singer, Jim “Dandy” Mangrum, is best known for his raspy voice, long hair and wild, sexually explicit onstage antics. However, the bigger name from this band was its drummer around this time, Tommy Aldridge, who most people likely recognize for his work with the Pat Travers Band, Ozzy Osbourne, Gary Moore and Whitesnake, just to name a few. Besides those two star names however, this band had nothing going for it. This song was their biggest hit, one of only two charting singles the band would manage, and it’s devoid of any flavor or energy besides being embarrassing to listen to.

It’s worth noting that this song is yet another cover. The original, performed by R&B singer LaVern Baker, wasn’t too bad, but that’s mainly because it was told from the third person perspective. This song doesn’t lend itself well to being told in the first-person. Too many details in the song require that level of distance for them to not sound egotistical.

Also, the original had a softer, funkier sound to it that carried the melody much more smoothly. This ridiculous, over-the-top rock music is the wrong way to perform a song like this. The result is that it sounds like something one would hear from a band hired to perform at a little kid’s birthday party, undoubtedly embarrassing the poor child.

Back to the topic of ego, I can’t help but notice that a band whose front man is named Jim “Dandy” is performing the song ‘Jim Dandy’. Considering there’s nothing to indicate when or how he got the name, I’d just as soon assume he dubbed himself that when the band decided to cover this song. Either that or he got the name first and decided he just had to cover this song and tell it from his perspective. Regardless, this blows, and if it weren’t for Mangrum’s influence on Van Halen vocalist David Lee Roth and Tommy Aldridge’s success with other acts, Black Oak Arkansas would be completely worthless.

#2.

I’m sorry again folks. I know that the movie soundtrack this song appeared on was pretty successful and popular with people. I myself liked some songs that showed up in this film. That said I am of the mind that anything and everything is capable of disappointing someone. With that in mind, Starlord, your taste in music has been called into question!

#2. Hooked On a Feeling (Blue Swede) [20; 1; 14 weeks]

I realize this is kind of a biased pick because I’ve gone on record as saying I like the original version. I wasn’t even going to place this song this high on the list at first. Then I went back, re-listened to it and the original and realized just how much I hate this cover version. It serves no purpose despite its more frequent appearances in the popular consciousness.

First off, there’s the “ooga chaka” intro. The song’s supposed to be about how great being in love feels. What does the band going “ooga chaka” all over the song do for it? I guess they’re trying to make it sound goofier to make it seem stranger because strange things are more likely to be remembered, but that doesn’t make it a good change. In the band’s defense, they weren’t the ones that originally made this change; Jonathan King did that for his 1971 cover. Of course, why Blue Swede would choose to base their version off of that one instead of B. J. Thomas’s eludes me.

That brings us to the other big problem with this song: front man Björn Skifs. Simply put, the man has the wrong vocals for a song like this. When B. J. Thomas sang it, his softer, more polished vocals made it sound like he was genuinely in love. Skifs, meanwhile, just barrels through the whole thing like a rampaging rhino. He doesn’t even bother to make the words match the original or remotely make sense. And then there’s what he does to the “I” that introduces the chorus. Where B. J. Thomas held that note out, Skifs drops it, which takes away whatever atmosphere there might’ve been.

While Björn Skifs would continue to see success in his homeland of Sweden after this, Blue Swede disappeared after 1975. Yet it’s their version of ‘Hooked On a Feeling’, not B. J. Thomas’s, that people remember to this day. No one ever said the world was a fair place.

#1.

I don’t always like it when my opinion mirrors that of the general public. While these lists are meant to reflect my own musical tastes, I feel like there are points where it can get predictable. Such was the case with my #1 song for this list, which is already regarded by many, not just as a bad song, but as one of the worst songs ever recorded. And once you’ve heard it, I’m sure you’ll understand why. So, ladies and gentlemen, I present the worst hit song of 1974:

#1. (You’re) Having My Baby (Paul Anka) [28; 1; 11 weeks]

Just a reminder folks: my measurement of how bad a song is doesn’t depend solely on how much it pissed me off or absence of good, otherwise ‘The Streak’ or ‘Hooked On a Feeling’ would’ve been my #1. While those are factors, the main decider is what the song’s goal was and how much it failed to achieve it. And hoo boy do we have a song that misses its mark by a wide margin on our hands.

Really, all the problems in this song can be summed up right in the title. “You’re having my baby”. You’re giving birth to a child I consider mine and mine alone. And if that wasn’t enough, the rest of the lyrics dig the hole deeper. “What a lovely way of sayin’/How much you love me”.  And, of course, there’s the bizarre choice to include a line about abortion about halfway through the song. I guess to show that she could have aborted but didn’t because she just loves him that much.

Paul Anka has defended the song, stating that it’s “not meant to alienate anyone” and that he could have said “our” but the other “sounded better”. Yeah, because claiming sole ownership of the child makes you look so much better in this situation, doesn’t it Anka? He’s also stated that it’s meant to be “a love song”. If that’s the goal the song was aiming for, then it fails because of how questionable the lyrical choices were! I know Paul Anka is, or was, better than this! Paul Anka, ‘(You’re) Having My Baby’, worst hit song of 1974.