Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 1978

Hello again folks. Now we move onto the best that 1978 had to offer. Before that, I think it might be lucrative to compare this year to other years I’ve covered. In contrast to 1962, where the bad music was terrible and I struggled to find songs that I’d call “good”, 1978 was the opposite. The bad songs from this year were not truly awful, and while I did manage to whittle down the list of contenders for the best list, I needed to make some painful cuts.

However, while I do think this was a year full of good music, I’m not exactly sure I’d call it a good year for music. The main reason for this is that there was little variety. Most of the songs we got were funk, disco, or rock songs. I’m not complaining about that; I love all three of these things. The problem is that with these specific kinds of songs dominating the charts, there was little room for evolution or growth. This year was firmly a product of its time and little else.

With all that said, sometimes trends can be fun to latch onto. If there’s anything I’ve learned from putting these lists together, it’s that even mindless pop music can still have merits. Trends of one decade help shape its history; they can inform future generations of the economical or social structure of the time, and could even help to shape their artistic inspiration. I can certainly think of a few ‘70s acts I’d like to see musicians of today take cues from. Speaking of which, let’s begin the countdown, starting with our honorable mentions:

Cheeseburger In Paradise (Jimmy Buffett) [--; 32; 4 weeks]

This is the kind of goofy pop song I can get behind. Jimmy Buffett always seemed to have a sense of self-awareness to him that I can appreciate. With this song’s country rock sound, and Jimmy Buffett’s balancing act between laid-back and desperate, ‘Cheeseburger In Paradise’ is a savory delight; Heaven on Earth with an onion slice.

Rivers of Babylon (Boney M.) [--; 30; 6 weeks]

This is a German disco cover of a Rastafarian song that lifts its text from the Hebrew Bible. Not sure what else there is to say about this besides it’s pretty awesome.

Desiree (Neil Diamond) [--; 16; 8 weeks]

Neil Diamond is a talented singer-songwriter. With this and ‘Sweet Caroline’ to go off of, I’d say the man knows how to write a powerful hook. I wouldn’t say this is as good as ‘Sweet Caroline’, but it certainly is a song I can appreciate.

Just What I Needed (The Cars) [--; 27; 7 weeks]

1978 was around the time that new wave was becoming a trend, but before the term was implemented. The Cars were one of the first acts of the genre to score a hit, and it’s a delight to listen to. The catchiness and the hook are the song’s main selling points, but I just enjoy all the little musical elements of this song, from the opening riff borrowed from the Ohio Players’ ‘Yummy Yummy Yummy’ to the keyboard riff performed by Greg Hawkes. It’s a solid pop song and earned its status as one of the initiators of the new wave trend.

Werewolves of London (Warren Zevon) [--; 21; 6 weeks]

This is just a fun song to sing along to. While the material is dark, there’s just something appealing about some of the lines in this song, like ‘Little old lady got mutilated late last night’. Just the way the tongue bounces between the L’s and T’s makes it pleasant to say.

Now then, get ready to dance across the floor as we count down…

…THE TOP 10 BEST HIT SONGS OF 1978!

#10.

Mike Chapman is a record producer and songwriter from Australia who was a big name for British pop music in the ‘70s. He helped write and produce songs for The Sweet, New World, Mud, Suzi Quatro, and Smokie, and even some ‘80s songs like ‘Mickey’ by Toni Basil, ‘Heart and Soul’ by Huey Lewis and the News, and ‘Love Is a Battlefield’ by Pat Benatar. While I get the feeling this next song isn’t one of his most remembered pieces, I think it deserves mention.

#10. Kiss You All Over (Exile) [5; 1; 17 weeks]

Exile is an American band originally founded as The Exiles in Richmond, Kentucky by J.P. Pennington. They met with Mike Chapman after he heard their demo and attended a concert in 1977. Having evidently liked what he heard, Chapman helped with writing and producing their most successful album, ‘Mixed Emotions’. This song was the first and biggest single off of that album, and it is easily the band’s best song.

All the little instrumental elements to this song contribute to the whole. From the smooth, grooving bass line, to the ambient keyboard melody, it just exudes a warm atmosphere. It never overpowers the singer, but it’s not watery or weak either. It’s in the background where it needs to be, but it still drives the song forward.

That just leaves the vocals and lyrics. The song’s written from the perspective of a man about to have sex with the woman he loves. The way he speaks to her, he clearly doesn’t just view her as an object to use for pleasure; she is his everything. The vocals, for the most part, are fairly soft and light, but not weak by any stretch. In fact, when it gets to the chorus, they gain a lot of power, especially on that last line, “Till the night closes in”.

Exile never achieved the same success they found with this song. Instead, they reinvented themselves as a country band in 1983 and managed several #1 songs on the US and Canadian country charts in the mid ‘80s. They disbanded in 1993 because of the pressures from their lack of continued success and the continuous loss of members, but they reunited two years later, and continued to perform on a regular basis after that. Their country material isn’t too bad, but I personally would stick to their rock material, especially ‘Kiss You All Over’.

#9.

1974 might have been the year that Billy Joel first saw commercial success, but it was hardly the “Year of Billy Joel”. Both chart successes he managed that year barely lasted in the top 40, and quickly disappeared, even if ‘Piano Man’ has endured long since then. 1978, however, saw him achieving much greater success, with five songs charting in the top 40, two of which peaked in the top 10. The song we’ll be looking at right now isn’t either of those though, but a different song, one that signified Joel’s moving out of the shadow of fluke success and moving up into the spotlight of living legend.

#9. Movin’ Out (Anthony’s Song) (Billy Joel) [--; 17; 8 weeks]

‘The Stranger’, Billy Joel’s fifth studio album was the one that officially put him on the map as a performer. ‘Just the Way You Are’ was the first single from that album, while ‘Scenes from an Italian Restaurant’ is probably considered its best song. However, if you ask me, the best single off of that album was, without question, ‘Movin’ Out (Anthony’s Song)’.

Joel’s greatest strength as a performer has always been his eye for details. It’s why he’s so good at telling stories through song; he knows how to lyrically paint a scene. That said, this is a surprisingly simple song in comparison, which I guess is why I like it. It shows brief snippets into some characters’ lives, though it provides enough details to give you a feel for their motivations and why they seem futile.

Also in contrast to his earlier work, which was primarily soft rock, ‘Movin’ Out’ moves into pure rock territory. While there is still piano on the song, it’s has other elements too, like guitars and horns. The instrumentation sounds fairly laid-back, which contrasts nicely with Billy Joel’s tenser, more dismissive tone.

I’m not trying to say that the other songs Billy Joel released around this time aren’t good also. ‘Only the Good Die Young’ almost got consideration for this list also, though I ultimately felt like I couldn’t completely connect with it. I just personally felt like this song spoke to me a bit more than the others did. It’s a masterwork of a song, but you ought to know by now.

#8.

Prior to doing these lists, I didn’t originally have any clue what made a country song “good” or “bad”. Now that I’ve exposed myself to more of the genre, I’m starting to get a better feel for what parts I like or dislike. For example, I like country music that tells well thought out, detailed stories, but I dislike that which tries to incorporate hip-hop slang. Of course, just being light-hearted and not taking itself too seriously isn’t a bad start.

#8. Here You Come Again (Dolly Parton) [60; 3; 6 weeks]

Ignoring the considerable plastic surgery she’s undergone, and the association of breasts with her public image, Dolly Parton is well known as a country singer. She achieved countless hits on the country charts, but saw little success on the hot 100, with only a small handful of songs charting. This was the first, and for good reason: because it’s amazing.

Compositionally, there’s not much to the song. The instrumentals are light and fluffy, and outside of numerous key changes, it doesn’t do much that’s all that interesting. On a musical level, it’s the country equivalent to bubblegum pop. That’s not a bad thing though; country pop can still be enjoyable, and while not super interesting, it’s still engaging.

Of course, the main thing that makes this song work is Dolly Parton herself. Her voice is gentle and relaxing to listen to, and she’s just a fun performer. The lyrics she’s singing wouldn’t be much to write home about in the hands of any other artist, but she adds a sort of magic to them, giving them an almost timeless quality.

That’s not to say Dolly Parton couldn’t sing music besides country pop. She’s had quite a few serious songs, such as ‘Starting Over Again’, and that was fantastic. Of course, the songs of hers that charted on Billboard were mostly leaning in a pop-ish direction. If that’s the closest we were getting to proper country music in 1978, I’m certainly not complaining.

#7.

Regardless of if you like him or you hate him, I think we can all agree that Barry Manilow is a bit of a dork. Many of his songs have that ‘70s schmaltz that doesn’t appeal to everyone, and even I, a man with a surprisingly high tolerance for cheese, think that he might overdo it sometimes. He’s the perfect example of an artist who isn’t cool to listen to, and yet…

#7. Copacabana (Barry Manilow) [74; 8; 9 weeks]

If there’s anything Barry Manilow has going for him, it’s that he’s a showman. He’s able to present a song with the bombast and energy of a stage magician. This doesn’t always work in his favor; some emotions the man doesn’t wear well. Such is not the case here though; his strengths are all on display on ‘Copacabana’, and it’s likely his best song.

Let’s start by looking at the lyrics and subject matter. ‘Copacabana’ tells the story of a showgirl at the titular 1940s nightclub, and her sweetheart, a bartender that also works there. One night, a mobster takes interest in her, but overplays his hand while trying to seduce her. The bartender attacks, there’s a brawl and a shooting, and in the end the bartender is killed. Thirty years later, the club has become a discotheque, and the showgirl has gone mad with grief from the loss of her love, still wearing her glamorous showgirl attire and getting drunk each night.

Barry Manilow isn’t quite as good at telling a story through song as Billy Joel, and he still has a hint of his usual cheese factor here. Fortunately, he makes up for it with a level of class and sophistication that one wouldn’t expect from a song like this, especially not from him. In addition, while the song isn’t quite as detailed as a Billy Joel song would be, it makes up for it with its atmosphere. With minimal imagery, it’s still able to paint enough of a picture that the listener can visualize the scenes as they play out.

Unfortunately, much like with Linda Ronstadt and ‘Ooh Baby Baby’, this isn’t a proper reflection of Barry Manilow’s output. He tended to release the kind of softer, blander side of ‘70s pop music. That said, this is a refreshing departure from that. It’s a pleasant surprise to see Manilow delving into this kind of material.

#6.

Now that I think about it, that last song was kind of a downer. It’s a song about losing one’s love and, as a result, one’s grip on sanity. If only the next song were something that could brighten the mood, something uplifting, celebratory, and empowering. Who could we turn to for something like that in 1978?

#6. We Are the Champions (Queen) [25; 4; 12 weeks]

Who else but Queen, right? I considered giving this spot to ‘We Will Rock You’, which shared this song’s position on the year-end hot 100, but ultimately felt that the overexposure kind of wore it out on me. Also, ‘We Will Rock You’ was technically the B-side to this song, so I felt ‘We Are the Champions’ was the song that earned that position.

Let’s start by talking about the production and instrumentation. It’s primarily built on Freddie Mercury’s piano line, with Roger Taylor and John Deacon backing it on drums and bass. Brian May’s guitar parts were overdubbed, and start out subtle, but gradually build up to a kind of solo that plays alongside the final chorus. It also uses jazz chords, which would’ve been fitting if this song had been featured on the album ‘Jazz’, which they released later this year.

Freddie Mercury sings of reflections on the past, particularly the various things that lead up to the declaration of the chorus. It was apparently built on audience response, with the band wanting to write a unifying, positive song that would inspire crowds to wave and sing along. Fittingly, a scientific study conducted in 2011 confirmed that this was the catchiest song in the history of popular music.

Granted, since it’s a Queen song, it still has a lot of ego in it, as was to be expected of Freddie Mercury, but it feels deserving of the self-congratulation it receives. Also, it doesn’t feel like the singer is rubbing their success in the faces of the listeners, but elevating them to join in the celebration, and I don’t object to this at all. You are the champions, Queen; may you wear that status with pride.

#5.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you another journey into the world of lead singers of bands going solo! Today’s entry is the front woman of the 1970s funk band Rufus, the Queen of Funk herself, Mrs. Chaka Khan!

#5. I’m Every Woman (Chaka Khan) [--; 21; 8 weeks]

Honestly, when I think of lead performers of bands starting solo careers, for the most part, it fills me with dread. Peter Cetera of Chicago, Gwen Stefani of No Doubt, and both Fergie and will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas are perfect examples of how this can go horrifically wrong. Then I need to remember that other artists branching off and doing their own thing has also given us songs from Rob Thomas, Tarja, and all three members of the Fugees that I liked, and adding to that list is ‘I’m Every Woman’ by Chaka Khan.

 For starters, there’s the lyrics and subject matter. The song speaks of the singer always being there for the listener, granting them their deepest desires. For those who listen to more modern music, she’s a genie in a bottle; you’ve got to rub her the right way. Fortunately, while Christina Aguilera’s version of this message was quick to wear out on me, Chaka’s is delivered with the idea that she legitimately wants to see you achieve your wishes, and not that she’s solely in it for sex.

In addition, there’s Chaka Khan’s voice, which emanates power and command. She was to the ‘70s what Whitney Houston would go on to be for the ‘80s and ‘90s. Interestingly, Whitney did her own cover of this song, though I felt like it was kind of out of place for her. She was just too innocent for a song like this, while Chaka is more mature and dominant.

Do I think it was a mistake for Chaka Khan to break off from Rufus? Well, I wouldn’t necessarily say so. She made plenty of decent songs in her solo career, and it never felt like she was giving up her artistic integrity. Is it a shame that Rufus ceased consistent success once she officially left the group? Definitely, but if Chaka Khan was providing music like this, I’m not exactly complaining.

#4.

I think the Electric Light Orchestra is a seriously underappreciated band. All of their songs have this sense of bigness and emotion in a way rarely seen in most bands of the time, save for perhaps Queen. ‘Mr. Blue Sky’ would’ve been my choice for #1 hands down, if it had been a bigger hit. In lieu of that, I went with this:

#4. Sweet Talkin’ Woman (Electric Light Orchestra) [86; 17; 12 weeks]

ELO frontman Jeff Lynne considers the band’s seventh studio album, ‘Out of the Blue’, to be one of their crowning achievements. It was certainly one of the band’s most successful albums, peaking in the top ten in almost every country it charted in. As for this song specifically, while it didn’t chart as high as ‘Turn to Stone’, and isn’t quite as good as ‘Mr. Blue Sky’, I still think it deserves mention in its own right.

To begin with, it’s worth noting that this song was originally called ‘Dead End Street’. After Jeff Lynne wrote the lyrics and recorded the vocal track, he listened to it the next day and realized he hated it. So he had the vocal track erased and rewrote the lyrics. Some of the lines from the original version might have survived the transition though, such as the opening to the third verse: “I’ve been livin’ on a dead end street”.

Of course, the lyrics aren’t what truly make this song special; that would be the production and instrumentation. ELO weren’t the first band to incorporate an orchestral sound, but they were the best of the ones that did at the time. What’s especially noteworthy is the use of the Vocoder 2000, which several songs off of ‘Out of the Blue’ used. I bring it up because ELO were one of the first acts to extensively make use of the vocoder.

They followed this album up with ‘Discovery’. I didn’t mind the singles that much, but they feel a bit less ambitious compared to those from ‘Out of the Blue’. To make matters worse, the singles they released after that were off the soundtrack for ‘Xanadu’, which, by all accounts, was a disaster. Well, at least we still have songs like ‘Sweet Talkin’ Woman’ to fondly remember ELO when they were at their peak.

#3.

Most people seem to be more familiar with artists based on songs than on their style. So, even if you aren’t familiar with music of the ‘60s and ‘70s, chances are you know this next song, even if you don’t know the band.

#3. Stayin’ Alive (The Bee Gees) [4; 1; 21 weeks]

Of course, if you’ve been reading these lists, you likely are familiar with the Bee Gees. After all, I’ve mentioned them before on other lists, so I’ve already indicated a liking for them. So I guess it was only a matter of time before I put a song of theirs on a list proper, and I can’t think of a more fitting choice than what’s likely their most signature tune.

‘Stayin’ Alive’ was written for the soundtrack of the film ‘Saturday Night Fever’ during its early planning stages. The lyrics describe the struggle of survival, specifically in the streets of New York. The reference to the New York Times reflects how the film’s starting idea was a New York cover story about discomania. The bridge’s plea for help from those whose lives are going nowhere adds to the song’s tension and desperation.

In terms of the instrumentation and vocals, ‘Stayin’ Alive’ has a lot going on, but each part serves a purpose. The strings arrangements support the melody, the iconic guitar part hits the listener right off the bat and sticks in the brain, and the drum line keeps the song moving forward at a steady beat. Vocally, the Bee Gees themselves use three-part harmony, with Barry Gibb singing his trademark falsetto on most of the song, save for the bridge.

The band has stated that they have mixed feelings about this song. On the one hand, it helped bring them fame and won them the Grammy for Best Arrangement for Voices in 1979. On the other hand, it also pigeonholed the group as a disco act despite them seeing success prior to this performing other genres of music. Even so, whether you’re a brother or whether you’re a mother, I think the rest of us can all agree that this is an awesome song.

#2.

I wasn’t expecting to cover this artist again so soon. I’m not complaining, of course, but it’s still a surprise.

#2. Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad (Meat Loaf) [30; 11; 13 weeks]

When I talked about Meat Loaf on my ‘best of 1993’ list, I neglected to mention one of the main components that comes with most of his good songs: Jim Steinman. Simply put, the man is a genius. If you’re wondering who he is, he was the composer and/or producer on such albums as Meat Loaf’s ‘Bat Out of Hell’ and ‘Bat Out of Hell II: Back into Hell’, and Bonnie Tyler’s ‘Faster Than the Speed of Night’ and ‘Secret Dreams and Forbidden Fire’. Some of the songs he’s worked on include Air Supply’s ‘Making Love Out of Nothing at All’, Bonnie Tyler’s ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ and ‘Holding Out for a Hero’ and Celine Dion’s ‘It’s All Coming Back to Me Now’.

Jim Steinman’s work seems to consist mainly of these lengthy songs, anywhere from seven to twelve minutes, which are just packed with raw emotion and intensity, while keeping everything at face value. There isn’t a hint of sarcasm or winking at the audience anywhere in his songs. When he makes a song about the pain of heartache or a declaration of affection and commitment, you know he’s being completely honest about it.

As for ‘Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad’, this was what Meat Loaf and Jim Steinman put together when they were told to write a simple love song. In that regard, I guess it kind of failed at that, but it makes up for it by being this incredible, tear-jerking tragedy about just how much Meat Loaf doesn’t love you. He’s driven to the pits of absolute despair by his lack of love for you. It’s not just that he doesn’t love you either; he also can’t stand to be without you. He’s caught in a paradox where he doesn’t love you enough to want to stay but he still needs you enough that he can’t bear to leave.

One could argue that this is kind of a joke song, what with the clearly hollow statement of “Don’t be sad/’Cause two out of three ain’t bad”. Even if that is the case though, it’s a cruel joke, one that indicates just how empty and meaningless the relationship is. This is such a soul-crushing presentation that doesn’t even pretend to be a love song, but that just makes it all the more breathtaking to listen to again and again. Despite all of this though, there was still one song I thought was better.

#1.

Something I did appreciate about 1978 was the prominence of rock music. Nowadays you rarely, if ever, hear any rock on the radio. Even when you do, it’s only because they collaborated with an EDM group, or a hip-hop song happened to sample one. Of course, while I was relieved to hear the likes of Queen and ELO from this year, this was the qualifying song that I thought best suited the top of this list.

#1. Hold the Line (Toto) [--; 8; 9 weeks]

The Bobby Kimball years truly were the peak period for Toto. Almost none of the music from after his departure is worth listening to. ‘Africa’ and ‘Rosanna’ might have been the songs that helped reestablish Toto as a hit-making band, but if you ask me, it was ‘Hold the Line’ that was their greatest work.

The band’s drummer, Jeff Porcaro, described the song as “a perfect example of what people will describe as your heavy metal chord guitar licks, your great triplet A-notes on the piano, your ‘Sly’-hot-fun-in-the-summertime groove, all mishmashed together with a boy from New Orleans singing”. I honestly think that sums up the song fairly well. The piano keeps the tempo, the guitar licks add that forward momentum, Bobby Kimball’s vocals carry the melody, and the whole thing is combined into a fun summer jam.

Of course, what specifically wins me over with this song is the chorus. It’s this bombastic, powerhouse of a melody accented by the guitars and the vocal harmonies. This almost sounds like something Queen might’ve released, especially considering the guitar solo after the second chorus! The lyrics don’t seem to mean anything, but it’s another one of those cases where they don’t need to because the instrumentation and production speak for themselves.

With how many acts have taken cues from ‘70s music in recent years, I feel like it’s a shame we haven’t seen any trying their hand at something like this, at least not in the mainstream. Modern pop music is so broody and serious that it can’t just take a moment to relax and have fun with itself. ‘Hold the Line’ does just that though, and it’s for this reason that it is my choice for the best hit song of 1978.

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 1978

Hello again folks. It hasn’t been too long since I last talked about the ‘70s, but I figured I’d give this decade another look. When I examined 1974, a year I’d been told was the worst of the decade, I came to the conclusion that, if that was its worst, I wouldn’t need to worry about being disappointed by any other years from the ‘70s. That theory has not been disproven yet, as 1978 was also a very good year for music.

What was going on this year exactly? Well, the ‘Grease’ and ‘Saturday Night Fever’ soundtracks were tearing up the charts. Also, Elton John appeared on People Magazine without his trademark glasses, and guest starred on ‘The Muppet Show’. In addition, the Blues Brothers made their first appearance on ‘Saturday Night Live’, The Who drummer Keith Moon died of a drug overdose, Nancy Spungen, the girlfriend of former Sex Pistols bassist Sid Vicious, was found dead in a New York hotel room from a stab wound, and Alice Cooper, now sober, released ‘From the Inside’, an album about his stay in rehab.

As far as the music was concerned though, while this wasn’t a bad year by any stretch, there wasn’t much variety. Where 1976 offered a bit of diversity in its hits, disco dominated the charts in ’78. Fortunately, there weren’t more ‘Disco Duck’s that came out this year. In fact, I had a bit of trouble picking through all the hits just to get a full ten for this list. Most of the picks for the worst list required me to reach outside of the year-end hot 100, which was a pleasant surprise, since it meant that most of this year’s bad music left little impact. Speaking of which, let’s dive into that right now, starting with our dishonorable mentions:

Can We Still Be Friends (Todd Rundgren) [--; 29; 5 weeks]

Todd Rundgren sings this song with all the passion and intensity of a man about to pass out from sleep deprivation. He’d be lucky if his plea to remain friends with this person doesn’t bore them to tears. Also, I think it’s a little annoying that he’s the one saying they’re both to blame for things falling apart, like he doesn’t want to fully own up to the very likely possibility that it was his fault.

Chattanooga Choo Choo (Tuxedo Junction) [--; 32; 2 weeks]

I don’t have that many issues with this song. Mostly it made the list from being overly repetitious and wearing out on me rather quickly. Of course, this song was also part of a nearly twenty-minute long suite, so that didn’t really help matters.

(You’re My) Soul and Inspiration (Donny & Marie Osmond) [--; 38; 3 weeks]

Yep, Donny and Marie Osmond are being mentioned again. It’s bad enough that these two rarely, if ever, performed their own songs back in these days, but I’m especially infuriated that they chose to cover the Righteous Brothers, and one of their most successful songs too. Comparing the level of quality between these two versions is like comparing the elevation levels of Mt. Everest and the Mariana Trench. 

The Name of the Game (Abba) [97; 12; 9 weeks]

Not sure I even have coherent criticism of this song. You can blame my family for exposing me to ‘Mamma Mia’ one too many times, but I’ve developed an allergic reaction to Abba’s music now that I’ve revisited it. More than anything, I hate this song because it’s just so bland, to the point of being completely forgettable. Say what you want about Abba’s other songs; at least I remembered them!

Da Ya Think I’m Sexy (Rod Stewart) [--; 27; 3 weeks]

No!

Now then folks, come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me as we count down…

…THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF 1978!

#10.

Remember how my best of 1974 list featured artists that originally got big in the ‘60s and those taking cues from them? Well, as it happens, the complete opposite was the case for ‘78, as some artists from the previous decade didn’t put out top quality work this year. There could’ve been a number of factors for this, but the main recurring theme I noticed was that the songs they released didn’t achieve what they were going for. Take this for example:

#10. Wonderful Tonight (Eric Clapton) [--; 16; 7 weeks]

Those of you unfamiliar with guitarists from the mid-to-late ‘60s likely haven’t heard of this guy. Well, allow me to introduce you to Eric Clapton, former member of the Yardbirds, John Mayall & the Bluesbreakers, Cream, and Derek and the Dominos, and who also performed with the Plastic Ono Band, Delaney & Bonnie, and Vivian Stanshall and the Sean Head Showband. Though he’s mostly known for performing blues music, here he delivers a soft rock ballad, an attempt to show his more sensitive, romantic side.

In this song’s defense, it’s not a terrible idea on paper. Clapton is spending most of the song elevating the woman he’s with without it becoming a monumental ego trip, and offers details in areas where they would be needed. Also, there’s that guitar riff, which carries the song along and helps it stand out a little.

Despite this though, I just can’t get into this song at all. Where the lyrics and instrumentation are in the right places for the song to work, the thing that bothers me is the tone. Eric Clapton’s singing and the dreary atmosphere being presented make it seem like his statements about his wife looking good and him feeling fine just feel forced. This doesn’t sound like the kind of song one would want to hear at a party; it’s more like the dance for when the party’s long finished and you should’ve gone home by now.

This isn’t to say Eric Clapton can’t deliver a softer song well. ‘Tears in Heaven’, a song he would release fourteen years later, also had a melancholy tone, but that was deliberate and it felt sincere. It didn’t sound like the narrator was putting on a face and pretending to be something he wasn’t like ‘Wonderful Tonight’ does. That said, a mismatched tone isn’t the worst thing that a song can do, which is why this placed so low, but it can ruin what would otherwise have been an okay or even good song. Eric Clapton is a better performer than this, and I’d recommend giving the rest of this stuff a try, but skip over this if possible.

#9.

I feel like I sometimes overstep my boundaries as a critic. I always try to give an honest opinion about my thoughts on a song or artist, regardless of whether they differ from the views of the general public. So, knowing I have to put an artist like this one on this list is a little daunting for me, since she was apparently well loved at her peak. Let’s be honest though: she might’ve had her moment, but by 1978 that moment was gone.

#9. Prisoner (Love Theme from ‘Eyes of Laura Mars’) (Barbra Streisand) [--; 21; 6 weeks]

            While people may laugh at her singing voice now, Barbra Streisand was a decent singer in her own right back in the ‘60s. She had a smooth, sassy delivery that made more than a few of her songs fun to listen to and made her stand out as a singer. By the ‘70s, however, she seemed to try and do away with that and moved towards a more boring singing style that made her sound no different from anyone else at the time. If there’s a song in her catalogue that demonstrates that better than this one, I haven’t heard it.

            Maybe I’m the only one that feels this way about this song, but I just don’t understand what the appeal is supposed to be. It’s described as the love theme from the film ‘Eyes of Laura Mars’, but if there’s anything romantic about this song, I don’t feel it. Who would think of being in love and describe it as being a prisoner? The only people I can think of who would find that romantic are BDSM fetishists, and I’m not sure that’s the audience this song, or the movie, were trying to appeal to.

Not really helping matters is that this song doesn’t really play off of Barbra Streisand’s strengths as a singer. She’s good at being coy and assertive. Her early work won people over because that was where she was at her best. Love-stricken submission isn’t something she can pull off well. Even ignoring that, her voice isn’t powerful enough for a song like this. It requires someone with a voice that screams of desperation, not this half-assed performance that’s drowned out by the music and the background vocalists.

I’m sure some of you are going to make the excuse, “This song isn’t supposed to be romantic. After all, ‘Eyes of Laura Mars’ was hardly a romantic film, so it wouldn’t make sense for them to use it as such”. Then why did they call it “the love theme”? Also, the film does have a scene in it that would suggest a love song should be used there, and the song they use there isn’t this one! Barbra Streisand just wasn’t the right pick for a song like this. It doesn’t sound romantic, or even like a serious mental conflict is going on; it just sounds like a migraine!

#8.

When people discuss acts that transitioned between decades, this usually refers to ‘70s acts in the ‘80s, or ‘80s acts in the ‘90s. Very rarely do people discuss ‘60s acts transitioning into the ‘70s, but if there were one example that really shined with the decade shift, it would have to be the Bee Gees. The disco era was quite kind to these guys, giving them numerous #1 US hits, and probably greater success than they’d ever achieved previously. Of course, the Bee Gees had a sibling that also got into music in the ‘70s, and saw his greatest success during this period. Sadly, it’s not all good news.

#8. (Our Love) Don’t Throw It All Away (Andy Gibb) [--; 9; 10 weeks]

Andy Gibb was the younger brother to the members of the Bee Gees, though he started his own music career much later than they did. From what I can tell, while he accomplished much in his own right, he never managed to achieve the same level of success his brothers did, though this could be because he died young. Even so, he did have some good songs in him, though I would hardly label this one of them.

Let’s take a moment to examine his other songs and see what made them work. With ‘(Love Is) Thicker Than Water’, for example, he had an authoritative tone to his voice, particularly during the chorus, which gave the song that catchiness that worked for it. Then he had songs like ‘Shadow Dancing’, which had a fun energy to them that was prevalent in disco music.

So, that goes a long way to explain why this song doesn’t work. ‘(Our Love) Don’t Throw It All Away’ just feels weak and whispy, like a balloon. Actually, that comparison seems pretty accurate, since Gibb’s voice here sounds like the man’s deflating. Then you have the lyrics, which are a guy begging his love not to end their relationship. The problem is they don’t sound desperate, or even depressed; they sound detached from all sense of reality, like the guy hasn’t a care in the world.

I’m not a huge Andy Gibb fan, but I’ll recognize that he had some talent and quality in his music. Some of his songs were okay, and it’s a shame he died before he could properly evolve as an artist. Of course, even if he had lived I probably wouldn’t listen to his music, not if he’d gone on to make more schmaltz like this.

#7.

Pop music seems to have this natural inclination towards trying to sound “hot”. Sometimes it works, but in most cases, you get things like Rod Stewart asking if you think he’s sexy. Then you get things like this:

#7. You Never Done It Like That (The Captain & Tennille) [--; 10; 14 weeks]

As far as bad romance songs by the Captain & Tennille go, you could certainly do worse. This fortunately doesn’t reach the same level of disgusting detail hidden behind overly saccharine sweetness like ‘Muskrat Love’ did. Even so though, I can’t call this a good song by any stretch of the word.

The main problem is, as usual, Toni Tennille, who sounds like she’s had one too many drinks. She tries to go for this sultry performance, but it’s paired up with these uncomfortable, and even confusing details. “You know you made me ten feet tall”? “I’m on the ceiling”? “Hey look at me, I feel just like Columbus/I did discover you’re some kind of lover”? These are bizarre ways of talking about how good the sex you’re having is!

Even ignoring Tennille’s odd lyrical choices, this song just isn’t sexy. If anything, this sounds more like lounge music. It’s the kind of thing you’d put on to be background noise, not set up a seductive atmosphere for your best friend’s mom to try and hit on you!

Still, as far as songs about sex go, there have been worse, even within this decade. That said it doesn’t do anything to warrant playing it in place of other, better, hotter songs. If the Captain and Tennille were trying to take cues from the Carpenters, this was not the right move for them. Then again, I’m not sure what would’ve been the right move, considering their usual output. Moving along!

#6.

Wings wasn’t the worst thing created by a member of the Beatles, but it was the most pointless. Even the Plastic Ono Band could be justified in that it kick-started John Lennon’s solo career and helped launch the careers of a few other artists. I can’t think of a single thing Wings ever did to give itself worth, and that’s certainly not helped by their music not being that good.

#6. I’ve Had Enough (Wings) [--; 25; 5 weeks]

After Wings’ successful fifth album from 1976, Paul McCartney wanted the follow-up to have the same impact. Unfortunately, with his wife Linda becoming pregnant with their third child, the band was unable to tour and even had to resort to recording on a yacht in the Virgin Islands. To make matters worse, two members ended up leaving before the release of their sixth album’s first single. While said album and single started out strong, with the album peaking at #4 in the UK and #2 in the US, its staying power left much to be desired, with its subsequent singles not even cracking the UK top 40 or the US top 20.

If I had to take a guess, I’d assume it’s because the album wasn’t very good. At least, that’s the impression I got after listening to this. ‘I’ve Had Enough’ is one of McCartney’s angry singles, and to be fair he’s done decent ones in the past. Much to my disappointment though, this one doesn’t come across so much angry as it does just pissy and annoyed. From the lyrics, it sounds like the things he’s mad about are backseat drivers, people telling him to hurry up, and…donating to the military? I don’t even…

Speaking of things that baffle, what the hell happened to Paul McCartney’s voice? He sounds like he has a bad head cold! If he annunciates words enough that they’re comprehensible, it comes across as more coincidental than deliberate! The guitars sound fine, but one musical element isn’t enough to salvage a song that’s fallen flat on its face!

It doesn’t surprise me that this album, and their next and final album, wouldn’t perform nearly as well pretty much across the board except for perhaps in Germany. People seem to pin the lackluster presentation of Wings’ music on the keyboardist, but the truth is Paul McCartney was just quick to lose relevance after the disbanding of the Beatles. He was still successful, even after Wings also broke up, but something important was lost in his music.

#5.

I maintain that I like the disco genre. It’s had a mostly positive affect on pop music, despite what the naysayers think, and its resurgence in the mainstream today has resulted in some of the few good songs we’ve seen in the 2010s. Still, it’s not like I’m willing to give every disco tune I hear a pass. Just like any other genre, it can still be bad, awful even.

#5. MacArthur Park (Donna Summer) [--; 1; 15 weeks]

While there were plenty of artists of this genre that could make unquestionably good songs, I wouldn’t label Donna Summer one of them. Not everything she’s released is bad, but she doesn’t really add anything we couldn’t get from anyone else. I heard her first hit single, ‘Love to Love You Baby’, when I covered 1976, and I was not impressed. I realize funk and disco can be redundant at times, but good artists can stylize that repetition, work in just enough variation to make each line still sound unique. ‘Love to Love You Baby’ didn’t have that; it sounded exactly the same from beginning to end.

In her defense, Donna Summer’s cover of ‘MacArthur Park’ doesn’t entirely suffer from this problem. This song’s flaws are twofold, with the first being an out-of-place disco beat that doesn’t make me want to dance to it. It’s not even that fun; it’s too stiff, Summer’s performance seriously overdoes the melisma at points, and she always includes this unpleasant wail at the end of each chorus that sounds like she’s losing her mind. Maybe she is and maybe that’s the point of the song. Even so, why would you then suddenly use that to transition into the energetic dance melody?

This isn’t even touching on the other big problem with the song: the lyrics. Thematically, it talks about a failed relationship, which can be the basis for a decent song. The problem comes from the metaphor it’s using, which is to compare said relationship to a cake someone left out in the rain. I seriously didn’t want to picture a failed relationship and think of a ruined cake with the icing flowing off and everything. That’s not tragic; that’s just gross!

Actually, there are a number of unnecessary details in this song. She compares their love to “a hot fevered iron” against the “striped pair of pants” that I suppose represents them. Then she talks about a “yellow cotton dress foaming like a wave”. Then she mentions “birds like tender babies” and “old men playing Chinese checkers by the trees”. What do any of these things have to do with their love being like a melting cake in the rain?

Even if I could get into the mindset the lyrics and original tone of the song are trying to set, the upbeat instrumentation completely clashes with it. Does it want to be a tragic song about lost love or a fun song inviting the listener to dance? Either way, it fails at both. I’m sorry Donna Summer, but you can’t eat your cake and have it too.

#4.

You know how, with Bob Dylan, he made up for his sandpaper voice by being an amazing songwriter? Some artists are like that; they have one area that has a lot of focus put into it to compensate for their other, weaker traits. Few artists are able to cover all their bases well, so this approach isn’t a bad one. Of course, then you have cases like Randy Newman.

#4. Short People (Randy Newman) [41; 2; 10 weeks]

I realize it’s not exactly fair to pick on the guy that gave us ‘You Got a Friend In Me’, but as far as movie scores go, if John Williams is a Cirque du Soleil acrobatic, theatrical masterpiece, Randy Newman is a badly performed elementary school play about the four food groups. As a songwriter, he’s sloppy to the point that anyone singing his songs seems brain dead. So, I hope you’ll understand when I say the idea of him as a pop star leaves me less than enthused.

What surprises me most of all is that this was his only hit, despite being possibly his worst song. I’m not a fan of his Muppet voice on any of his other songs, and he’s not much better here. Also, while not nearly as “whimsical” as most of his other songs try to be, there are still elements of that poor attempt at enchantment that make me want to puke.

All of this is before we even get to the subject matter and tone of the song. Before people start jumping down my throat, I understand what the song’s trying to do. It’s a novelty song told from the perspective of a character that is prejudiced against short people to a ridiculous degree, kind of like a parody. Even so, Newman’s lyrics just sound juvenile, and it doesn’t have the charm or inspiration that good parody music possesses. The song doesn’t even list funny reasons for hating short people; the entire joke is “Ha ha, they’re little people so everything about them is little”.

In the man’s defense, it’s not the worst example of a song demonstrating non-comedy. It’s still stupid, uninspired, and annoyingly repetitive, but ultimately it’s not hurting anyone. It certainly didn’t deserve the amount of flack it got. Now wait a minute, Randy Newman writing a song poking fun at prejudice receives serious backlash and death threats, but Ray Stevens writing a song explicitly making fun of Arabs is a-okay? God, this world…

#3.

Speaking of comedy songs that aren’t funny…

#3. King Tut (Steve Martin and the Toot Uncommons) [--; 17; 7 weeks]

I don’t really consider myself much of a connoisseur of novelty music, but I do have my preferences. If a novelty song were going to focus on a historical figure, for example, some demonstration that the writer did their research would be appreciated. Barring that, if it feels unique, it gets a pass. That’s part of the reason why I’m pretty forgiving of things like Falco’s ‘Rock Me Amadeus’. If the novelty song only uses a historical figure’s name for the sake of telling a stupid joke, with no indication that the writer knew the slightest thing about them, then it fails.

For starters, there’s the instrumentation. The style of the song clearly sounds like it was going for something from the ‘60s, which doesn’t make much sense because Tutankhamen had nothing to do with the decade outside of the first traveling exhibition of a substantial number of his artifacts taking place during the decade. Even then, the only truly “Egyptian” theme there is to the production is the stereotypical Egyptian jingle at the beginning of the song. Also, it fits even less when you consider the lyrics, which talk about funk and disco, which this song is demonstrably not.

Speaking of the lyrics, let’s talk about those next. The song was apparently written as a caricature of the Treasures of Tutankhamen traveling exhibit, which toured the United States from 1976 to 1979. However, it mentions Arizona and Babylonia, which doesn’t fit with the theme of the song because no place called ‘Arizona’ had any relation to Tutankhamen, and unless he established some kind of relations with them during his rule, he had no connection to the Babylonians either. It also mentions him dancing, which I highly doubt he ever did considering his birth defects as a result of being born from incest, and various infections and injuries he sustained during his life.

I don’t want to give the impression that I hate all novelty music. Weird Al, Jonathan Coulton, Flight of the Concords, They Might Be Giants; I like these acts! Those acts use comedy as a means to make the listener think about the joke and still have it hold up. Steve Martin, meanwhile, came up with a stupid joke that didn’t have any connection to the subject of his song and thought that was funny. I guess it’s fitting that this song is about an Egyptian pharaoh, because it deserves to be left inside a tomb to mummify.

#2.

I feel horrendous about putting a song by this artist on the list. I’m not a fan, but I can at least respect the milestones she set. However, this is meant to be an honest list, and I honestly do hate this song.

#2. Ooh Baby Baby (Linda Ronstadt) [--; 10; 8 weeks]

Linda Ronstadt is an American pop and country music singer. While originally the lead singer for the Stone Poneys, their record executives were quick to move Ronstadt into the spotlight as a solo performer. She is noteworthy for being the first major touring female artist, the first female artist to score three consecutive platinum albums, ultimately racking up eight, and the most successful female singer of the 1970s.

‘Living in the USA’ was the second biggest album of her career, and featured this song as the biggest hit off the album. I have no idea why though, because there’s nothing substantial about it. Most of Linda Ronstadt’s material prior to this at least had energy and life. ‘Ooh Baby Baby’ just sounds like the listener’s trying to lull me to sleep.

To be fair, the lyrics do try to paint a picture of the situation in the song. That situation is that the narrator cheated on her lover, feels bad about it, it’s implied that their relationship’s over, and she wants to try and fix things between them someday. There are a number of little things in here that piss me off. The idea of someone viewing love as a “game” just makes me feel disgusted. You’re talking about making a game out of people’s emotions; that’s just awful! Then there’s the second verse and its use of the “I’m only human” excuse for cheating, which is becoming a real pet peeve for me. It’s made even worse by the line, “You’ve made mistakes too”. Yes, the fact that he cheated on her is bad, but two wrongs don’t make a right lady!

Do I think this song reflects the kind of work Linda Ronstadt made as a whole? No. I think she was a perfectly fine artist and has made some decent songs in her career. If not for her, the generations of the ‘70s, ‘80s, and ‘90s might never have heard of Buddy Holly, Chuck Berry, or Elvis Costello. I just feel like this isn’t one of her best pieces of work. If you disagree, that’s fine. Keep listening to the song; enjoy it. Just don’t go trying to make me like it because that’s not going to happen.

#1.

Okay, all the songs up until this point have been relatively obscure and chances are those reading might’ve never heard of them prior to reading this list. People will recognize this next song though, and probably want to murder me for putting it on here, let alone right at the top. However, this is my list, and like anyone, I have my own opinions about things and you’re free to disagree with them. With that said, I present my choice for the worst hit song from 1978:

#1. Summer Nights (John Travolta & Olivia Newton-John) [69; 5; 12 weeks]

Look, I understand that ‘Grease’ is considered a classic, but that doesn’t mean its songs hold up years later. People seem incredibly forgiving of John Travolta as a singer. That’s how we ended up with, not one, not two, but three top ten hits from the guy. I, however, am not one to overlook poor quality when it runs its nails across a chalkboard. So let me just state with complete certainty that the man can’t sing to save his life.

Of course, it’s not just John Travolta whose singing drags this song down. No, it’s the supporting cast’s vocals that truly shatter the atmosphere. I understand that their accents are supposed to help set the tone and setting of the film, but all I hear are a bunch of off-key voices trying desperately to stay in tune, and they always come in during the chorus, so you hear them multiple times during the song. It’s worst at the end of the song, when John Travolta’s ear splitting falsetto is immediately followed by about a dozen voices screeching like a colony of bats in a room full of moths.

If there is any saving grace to this song, it’s Olivia Newton-John, who is the only one who sounds like she can sing. She’s not great, but she’s at least passable, which is more than can be said of anyone else. The problem is that she’s woefully unprepared to function as the only source of support to a damp, moldy house of a tune that is just minutes away from collapsing on itself. It’s for these reasons that ‘Summer Nights’ from ‘Grease’ is my choice for the worst hit song from 1978. 

Top 5 Best & Worst Barenaked Ladies Songs

Hey folks. Let’s take a moment to talk about the ‘90s. With the rise of the grunge movement, it dealt the killing blow to the trends of the ‘80s and seemed to bring about the changes people needed. Unfortunately, with the death of Kurt Cobain, that didn’t continue. After that happened, grunge just didn’t know how to keep itself in the mainstream for very long, instead being superseded by the seemingly endless number of silly, stupid genres that rose to replace it, as well as the still-popular alternative rock scene. Somewhere in the middle of these two movements is where you’ll find Barenaked Ladies.

            Originally from Canada, Barenaked Ladies saw incredible success in 1998 with their first and biggest American hit single, ‘One Week’. However, they had seen greater success prior to this in Canada, with two previous albums charting in the top 10 on the Canadian albums chart. They even had another hit song in America two years later, and have continued releasing records at a respectable pace, including a collaboration album they released with The Persuasions earlier this year.

            The material they’ve released has been varied, but they tend to be a pretty jokey band. That might be their greatest strength and their greatest weakness as a group: their refusal to take themselves too seriously. That’s not to say they can’t release more somber material, though that’s not entirely what they’re known for. They tend to write songs with nods to every day life, some jokes thrown in there, a laid-back attitude and occasionally some pop culture references. So today, we’re going to be looking through the band’s work, both the highest peaks and the deepest lows.

            Prepare yourselves folks, because I think never is enough; yeah, never is enough. None of us will ever want to listen through…

…THE TOP 5 WORST BARENAKED LADIES SONGS!

            #5.

            I’ve said this before, but there are some acts where you know what they’re equipped to perform and what would be outside of their wheelhouse. Occasionally one can diversify and adapt their persona to fit a specific genre, style, or subject matter, but in some cases, it’s best if they don’t stray too far from what they know.

            #5. She’s On Time (Stunt)

            ‘Stunt’ was Barenaked Ladies’ most successful album, being their first to chart in the top 5 outside of Canada and their highest charting album in the US. Some would probably label it as their best work, or at least their best of the time. As for me personally, I felt like the album started out strong but weakened as the songs progressed.

            Take this song as an example; it’s a song about sex. That’s not necessarily a bad thing; if a band wants to write a sex jam, that’s their decision. Even so though, they need to demonstrate that they’re capable of handling a subject matter like this with some level of maturity and nuance. Barenaked Ladies don’t exactly possess those things in regards to getting it on. They’re goofballs; they can’t properly capture the idea of being sexy, especially in regards to the act of reproduction for the sake of having a child. If that’s your thing, nothing against you, but Billy Paul these guys are not.

            Even ignoring the subject matter, this song gets obnoxious terribly quickly. The song progression is stiff and wooden like a fence, the nursery rhyme melody grinds on my nerves, and good God, that chorus. This is probably one of the band’s most repetitious songs to date. The phrase “She’s on time” is repeated throughout the song forty-five times, and not once does it sound natural. They might as well be reciting bland, everyday things like “brush your teeth” or “read a book”.

            This placed low on the list because, at the end of the day, it still feels like a complete song. The same can definitely not be said of most of the other songs on this list. Even so, this is still a disappointment considering this same album also gave us songs like ‘Alcohol’, ‘Call and Answer’, and ‘One Week’. Skip it if at all possible.

            #4.

            During a period between 2003 and 2008, Barenaked Ladies just kept pumping out record after record, releasing at least one or two per year. In this time frame they released three studio albums, three themed or topical albums, two EPs, their iTunes Originals, and two live albums. Even some of the greatest acts of all time would have trouble maintaining quality with a release schedule as tight as this. If you really want to know how bad it got, this next song was off of their seventh studio album, released in 2006.

            #4. Vanishing (Barenaked Ladies Are Me)

            ‘Barenaked Ladies Are Me’ represents a significant shift for the band, since it was the first full-length original-material album they released following their decision to become an independent group. In a lot of cases, separating from the record studio can be a mixed bag. On one hand, you have more artistic freedom, but on the other hand you lose some of your funding and support. Furthermore, you don’t have studio hacks breathing down your neck saying what songs you should release and what you should shelve. I can’t think of any other excuse as to how this thing made the cut aside from the band dropping their standards.

It pains me to put a song like this on the list, because, if nothing else, it demonstrates that the band is capable of having other members perform the lead vocals besides Steven Page and Ed Robertson. Or at least it would have if Kevin Hearn had put any soul into this performance! He sounds half-asleep throughout this entire song! It’s like he was dragged out of bed, forced into the studio and told to sing the first thing that came to his head!

            It’s especially disappointing because we have yet another song about magic and mysticism that’s painfully bland. It brings up some of the least imaginative imagery they could’ve thought of for this song. In all fairness though, they at least tried harder than the Steve Miller Band did, but that doesn’t excuse it. “He’s floating upside-down below a chandelier”? “He whispers them each night into a lion’s ear”? “Under the stage lights at the Bellagio”? Also, what are the themes of magic and vanishing supposed to be referring to? These lyrics are way too vague!

            This isn’t the worst song the band released around this time. I’d probably argue it’s not even the blandest of the bunch. It did come close though, and considering this was coming from a band as lively and excitable as Barenaked Ladies, this was a monumental letdown.

            #3.

            Since one Barenaked Ladies song about sex wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable enough, why not go for two?

            #3. In the Car (Stunt)

            Yes, believe it or not ladies and gentlemen, ‘Stunt’ featured two sex songs on it. Although, for the record, I think this one is many times worse than ‘She’s On Time’. This sounds less like a completed song and more like a scrapped idea that should’ve been tossed out.

            Okay, I guess I’ll need to correct myself: this isn’t specifically a song about sex. Instead, it’s a song about all the things the pair in the relationship is doing in the car because they can’t be bothered to have sex. As bad as ‘She’s On Time’ was, at least the couple was actually getting it on.

It doesn’t even sound like they’re doing these things because they’re not ready for that next step; it just sounds like the guy is incredibly pissy. He’s so disinterested in this relationship that he fantasizes about sleeping with the girl’s mom instead of the girl. He doesn’t even seem to care if she finds out about it. He mentions the possibility with the most laid-back tone that conveys no sense of shame at all.

Of course, the worst part about the song is that it’s not remotely sexy. Again, Barenaked Ladies aren’t exactly the band I play when I want to get it on. Even if the detached, spiteful tone of the song fit the subject matter, it isn’t what I want to hear from this band. What’s even the point of this song? I’ll say this much: in the car, I’m most definitely not listening to this.

            #2.

            I feel like I don’t enjoy the holidays as much as I used to. Part of the reason for that is the whole commercial aspect of it, especially in the music. Everything about Christmas music feels calculated and like it only exists to fill out a quota. Even ignoring that, lately most artists’ covers of classic holiday songs just don’t tend to be very good or even memorable. But what could be worse than ruining one beloved Christmas song? How about ruining two?

            #2. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen/We Three Kings (Barenaked for the Holidays)

            This spot very nearly went to Barenaked Ladies’ cover of ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’. I still think that song is terrible, but ultimately, I felt like the song’s badness couldn’t be pinned on the band; it’s terrible enough by itself. This one, however, the instant I heard it, I knew immediately that I hated it.

            As the title suggests, it’s a combination of two different songs about Christmas, specifically focusing on the birth of Christ. The problem comes from the fact that neither of them have anything to do with each other. ‘God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen’ is presumably told from the perspective of a random person, possibly a priest, to the listener. ‘We Three Kings’, on the other hand, is told from the perspective of the three wise men. This is the same problem I had with Israel Kamakawiwo’ole’s combination of ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’ and ‘What a Wonderful World’: it’s taking two different songs with clashing perspectives and stitching them ass to ass with no context.

            If they’d managed to present it with an enjoyable tone that’d be one thing. Unfortunately, it’s presented with all the light, excitability of grandma’s funeral. Not helping matters is the fact that they got Sarah McLachlan sharing lead vocals with Ed Robertson, and the two do not gel well at all. To top it all off, it’s a white-guy-with-acoustic-guitar song. The result is that it sounds like a clumsy, folksy rendition of songs that don’t really lend themselves to folk music reimagining. They just sound sad and unpleasant to listen to.

            I wouldn’t quite label this as the worst Christmas song I’ve heard, but it ranks pretty high up there. Every second of this is like a dull, unenthused drill boring a hole in my skull. It’s the worst song the Barenaked Ladies released during their mid-career period of making way too many albums way too quickly. All that in mind though, they had one song worse than this.

            #1.

            I wish I could say my #1 was a particularly noteworthy song. I guess that’s the nature with lists like these: when no filter is put up to divide the album filler from the solid tracks, the two will end up being lumped together. Still, poor quality material should be recognized as such, regardless of how it’s classified.

            #1. Little Tiny Song (Maybe You Should Drive)

            Some of you are probably saying, “Wait a second, this shouldn’t count! That song’s only like a minute long!” It doesn’t matter; a song’s length shouldn’t be an excuse to exclude it from the list. If the song is short but still has elements that make it serve a purpose, it didn’t place on the list. If a song is short for no reason and doesn’t contribute anything, then it’s terrible.

            Most of Barenaked Ladies’ shorter songs at least gave the impression that they had a germ of an interesting idea in them somewhere. There’s no such presentation here. This isn’t so much a “little, tiny song” as it is barely a song at all! This is less than twelve percent of a song; this isn’t even a concept! This is even apparent in the instrumentation, which consists of a single piano part, one person singing and that’s it! It’s not even a very complicated piano performance either; I could play this!

            That leaves us with the lyrics, which don’t function much better. There’s barely enough words to fill out a single verse, with two lines repeated, and the lyrics don’t add up to mean anything. They are as follows:

Hey I’m a cow, I’m curious

Hey watch me now, I’m furious

Hey I’m a cow, I’m full of hate

Hey watch me now, I’m on your plate

            The song’s not even long enough to establish a concise message. All we get is what sounds like a terribly brief transition through the life of a cow. Also, what do the parts about being “furious” and “full of hate” have to do with anything? Is the cow’s curiosity pissing it off to the point that it develops hatred towards everything? Was it planning on starting a mass-cow revolution against the farmers? Is that why it’s now on my plate? What was it curious about? Why a cow?

            I have little reason to believe they chose these lyrics for any reason other than the rhyme scheme. So, I guess the defense can be made that some effort went into this. That said, considering the lyrics make no sense, the instrumentation is as minimal as one can get, and the song is barely over a minute in length, I can’t help but wonder if that effort was worth it. It’s for this reason that I am labeling this as the worst song the Barenaked Ladies have ever released.

            Now that we’ve taken out the trash, let’s see if these next few songs are truly great or too little, too late. We’re counting down…

…THE TOP 5 BEST BARENAKED LADIES SONGS!

            #5.

            I was pretty harsh on ‘Stunt’ with the worst list, so let’s take a moment to focus on some of the areas where that album worked well, such as here:

            #5. Call and Answer (Stunt)

            Considering the number of goofy, pop-y songs that Barenaked Ladies have released, it’s kind of surprising to see them handle a more somber one well. Yet I can’t think of any song that better reflects the band’s diversity than this one. ‘Call and Answer’ is their softer, more sensitive side that they’re pulling out to show that, while they are still clowns, they can be serious.

            The subject matter for this song is surprisingly heavy, focusing on a relationship after things have fallen apart. The lyrics describe how, despite the fact that it didn’t work out, the narrator is still willing to answer when the other person calls and pick her up when she falls. That’s not a level of maturity you hear in break-up songs nowadays, except maybe from Adele. Yet despite this, the narrator insists that the woman he’s addressing be willing to rebuild and shoulder her share of the baggage.

            The instrumentation is surprisingly strong too. It starts out fairly simple, with just the guitar and drums. However, as the song progresses, the intensity slowly builds on itself. It’s also a nice presentation of front man Steven Page’s vocal chops. He performs all the vocals on this song by himself; the overlapping vocals, the harmonies, the call-and-response chorus, all of them.

            This was the final single off of ‘Stunt’, and it’s a damned shame that it wasn’t a hit, because it’s one of the best songs off of the album. It was a bigger hit in Canada though, peaking in the top ten, making it one of the band’s most successful songs in their native country. ‘Call and Answer’: a clear sign that Barenaked Ladies can be just as, if not more grown-up than most mainstream pop music of today.

            #4.

            Now, let’s see how the band handles the same subject matter, but playing a little more loosely.

            #4. Enid (Gordon)

            When you think of early Barenaked Ladies songs, what are usually the ones that come to mind? ‘If I Had $1,000,000’ and ‘Be My Yoko Ono’ perhaps? Or maybe ‘Brian Wilson’? For me, this is the song that I think of when I’m asked about the best of the band’s early work.

            Of their early songs, ‘Enid’ probably has some of their more complex production. To begin with, this is one of their few songs to feature a horn section, which is credited to ‘The Jimmy Crack Horns’, since they tended to give silly names to outside musicians that performed on their songs. It also features pedal steel guitar and a cuica, and it opens with a pastiche of Depeche Mode.

            Of course, what really works in this song’s favor are the lyrics and subject matter. ‘Enid’ is about a guy trying to get back with an ex he broke up with at fifteen, who he still isn’t over yet despite it being years later. Even with the guy’s passion about reuniting with the titular ex though, he also demonstrates comedic laziness as well. For example, he considers various things he could do to try and win her back, such as getting a job so he can pay the phone bills, cutting his hair, and working overtime. Ultimately though, he decides that he doesn’t want to do any of these things.

            Considering this was off of the band’s first album, ‘Gordon’, I’d say it was an impressive way for the band to finally make a name for themselves. They may have had other songs prior to this that have become more closely associated with them, but as far as I’m concerned, this was the song that put them on the map, in Canada at least. As for the song that made them big internationally, we’ll be getting to that later.

            #3.

            2009 was a difficult year for Barenaked Ladies. With the departure of Steven Page, they needed to find a way to carve out a new identity for themselves without him. They sort of pulled this off with their 2010 album ‘All In Good Time’, but it was by far not a perfect record. Most of its strengths could be attributed to its lead single, and such a mindset would not be entirely inaccurate.

            #3. You Run Away (All In Good Time)

            I personally feel like ‘All In Good Time’ is underrated. Most of the songs from that album were pretty good, and while it didn’t fully help the band step out of Steven Page’s shadow, it at least set them along the path to doing so. Of course, ‘You Run Away’ was right at the forefront of that path, as it is easily the best song off of the album.

            As you might’ve guessed, this song was partially inspired by Page’s departure, and the lyrics reflect that for the most part. They speak of separation, distance and a disconnection between the narrator and the person he’s trying to reach out to. Ed Robertson’s vocal delivery presents the idea of loss and confusion, wanting desperately to reestablish what they had, but knowing deep down that such might not be possible.

            The instrumentation matches the tone fairly well, carrying a very melancholic feel and complimenting Robertson’s vocals nicely. Something about this song is very reminiscent of early Coldplay, and I mean that in a good way. Of course, I don’t think Coldplay would’ve written something this direct in its message.

            If nothing else, this song shows just how much Barenaked Ladies had grown as a band. They might have lost one of their founding members, but they still had enough creative ideas to make up for that, to a certain extent. Of course, for the song that truly saw that untapped potential realized…

            #2.

            That brings us to the band’s 2013 album, the one that fully helped Barenaked Ladies stand on their own without the cloud of Steven Page’s departure hanging over their heads. I am, of course, talking about ‘Grinning Streak’.

            #2. Odds Are (Grinning Streak)

            This was actually a difficult choice for me, since there were quite a few songs off of this album I liked. It was kind of a toss between this, the Mark Endert remix of ‘Boomerang’ and ‘Did I Say That Out Loud?’ regarding which song would make it on this list. In the end though, I had to go with the one that most elevated my mood just from listening to it, the one that had the most iconic sound to it, the one that most made me think of classic Barenaked Ladies, and ‘Odds Are’ covers all these bases and more.

            Lyrically, the song discusses various ways in which people could die, such as being struck by lightning or hit by a train. It presents them with a comedic edge though, and points out that, while those are possibilities, the chances of them happening are still small. It even points out that there’s a greater possibility of falling in love and, ultimately, the chances are even more likely that things will be alright. Considering how pessimistic the outlook of the world has become lately, it’s nice to hear something reassuring like this.

            That leaves the instrumentation and production. All the little elements in this song help contribute to the whole: the guitar licks, the handclaps during the verses, the background vocals during the chorus, the piano line, and of course, there’s Ed Robertson’s vocal performance. A song like this is balancing a fine line between being funny and being serious, and Robertson walks that line effortlessly. When he says that everything’s going to be alright, I completely believe him.

            It’s a damn shame this didn’t chart outside of Canada, because considering how dour and lifeless pop music was sounding at the time, we could’ve definitely used a song like this. Sadly, Barenaked Ladies’ follow-up album ‘Silverball’ didn’t really have the same charm that this brought to their previous album, but it’s at least a sign that they might still be able to recapture the magic of their early years. Speaking of which…

            #1.

            Chances are most of you have already guessed what the #1 song for this list is. What can I say? I’m just predictable sometimes.

            #1. One Week (Stunt)

            I realize this comes across as a bit narrow-minded of me. The American pop music reviewer is naming a Canadian band’s biggest American hit as his favorite song of theirs. That said I wouldn’t have put this song on this list if I didn’t think it belonged here.

Thematically, the song is about a fight between a man and a woman. The guy seems to realize that he’s in the wrong but is trying to save face. Normally, I would find this kind of song insufferable, but the lyrics are presented with this bouncy, lighthearted tone that makes it easy to overlook that the guy’s not very good about owning up to his mistakes.

Of course, what everyone’s probably expecting me to talk about are the verses, performed by Ed Robertson. They are ridiculous and have nothing to do with the song’s theme, but they might be the best parts of the song. Robertson stated that he wanted to write a rap verse but his attempts at doing so failed. So, Steven Page suggested he just improvised as they usually did onstage. The result is a collection of ridiculous pop culture references, including LeAnn Rimes, ‘X-Files’, Harrison Ford, Snickers, Akira Kurosawa, and ‘Sailor Moon’. Where most attempts at dropping these kind of references would seem pointless and annoying, Robertson’s delivery presents that he’s not doing it just for the sake of attention or trying to be trendy, but because he’s simply enjoying himself.

‘One Week’ perfectly encapsulated everything that Barenaked Ladies were doing right as a band: it’s catchy, it doesn’t take itself too seriously, and, most importantly, it’s fun. Their early work might have been what established their formula, but it was this song that perfected it. There’s nothing else I can say about it, honestly; it’s one of the best songs of the late ‘90s, and easily the best song by Barenaked Ladies.