Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 1993

Hello again folks. It’s been a while but we’re back in the early ‘90s. This particular year was a suggestion from one of my readers, and I can safely say this was at least an interesting year. Guns N’ Roses played their final gig with the original line up, Michael Jackson was charged with child molestation for the first time, Prince changed his name to an unpronounceable symbol, The Wu-Tang Clan and A Tribe Called Quest both released acclaimed albums, Rick Astley retired from music, and Tupac Shakur was arrested and charged with shooting two off-duty police officers.

What about the music itself though? Unfortunately, I feel like this year fell into kind of a dead zone in terms of early ‘90s music. Not a lot of fondly remembered songs came out this year, and while gangsta rap was just around the corner, pop rap wasn’t quite dead yet. Hair metal had its last few dying breaths and grunge was surprisingly sparse. Compared to previous years I’ve covered, the bad music from this time was certainly dumb, but there was more to it than just that; it also felt meaningless. The worst music from this time felt devoid of purpose or significance of any sort. In fact, if I weren’t about to list these songs below, chances are none of you would even remember most of them. But I’ve rambled on long enough; it’s time we actually got into those songs, starting with our dishonorable mentions:

Mr. Wendal (Arrested Development) [31; 6; 20 weeks]

Sometimes it’s nice to acknowledge that the homeless are people too and deserve the same level of respect and dignity as anyone else. That said, I still wouldn’t want to be homeless myself. Yet this song seems to glorify the idea of living on the street, claiming that it makes one wiser and that one’s only concerns are illness and police harassment. There are other problems though, such as lack of personal security, inability to maintain hygiene, reduced access to health and dental care, limited access to education and difficulty with finding gainful employment, just to name a few. It sucks that the homeless go through issues like these, but that doesn’t mean you should be in a rush to join them.

Said I Loved You…But I Lied (Michael Bolton) [--; 9; 8 weeks]

Really Bolton? So, you say what you feel for this person is so strong it is no longer considered love but something “more than love”? Okay then genius, why is it that you describe this feeling with all the typical clichés people have come to associate with the concept of love? Saying that what you feel is more than another feeling doesn’t make you seem like a better person; it’s just stupid! You’re stupid!

Gangsta Lean (DRS) [--; 4; 10 weeks]

Here’s a fun drinking game: every time you hear someone say the word “homie” or “homies” in this song, take a shot. Also, apparently the “gangsta lean” is a reference to lying in a coffin, which is kind of a ridiculous way to describe it. Even if you wanted to write a song dedicated to fallen comrades, don’t you think you should write one that’s good? This song was to 1993 what ‘See You Again’ was to 2015: a sloppy, poorly executed song meant as a tribute to a deceased friend that supposedly comes from someplace real, but can’t seem to express it in a sincere manner.

What’s Up Doc? (Can We Rock) (Fu-Schnickens & Shaquille O’Neal)

Shaquille O’Neal is not a rapper. Also, what’s with all the children’s show and film references? Looney Tunes? Batman? Mary Poppins? Making references to those in addition to the adult language just makes you sound childish. Unless that’s what you were going for, which it doesn’t sound like it was, I can’t say I’m impressed.

Forever in Love (Kenny G) [73; 18; 13 weeks]

Kenny G is boring as hell. That’s pretty much all I have to say on this.

Right then; let’s get insane in the membrane as we count down…

…THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF 1993!

#10.

2014 was the year of butts for me. The excess of butts I experienced that year was so inescapable that they became a serious turn-off for me. When the year ended and the booty-pocalypse came to a close, I thought I was finally free. Sadly, it seems insistent on following me.

#10. Dazzey Duks (Duice) [16; 12; 26 weeks]

While I recognize that ‘Baby Got Back’ is an integral part of human culture at this point, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive Sir Mix-a-lot for popularizing the booty anthem. Pretty much every single one since has tried to accomplish what that song did. Yet none of them work because they forget that, while ‘Baby Got Back’ is about butts, it’s framed as an empowerment anthem in a sense.

This booty jam only has one thing going for it: it’s focusing on the butt in relation to a specific type of fashion. The title is a misspelling of the name of a type of short shorts worn by the character Daisy Duke from ‘The Dukes of Hazzard’. Other than that, the song’s lyrics are nonsense, just obnoxious non-punch lines and phrases about objectifying women. Not really helping matters are the rappers’ flow. They both recite lines with this herky-jerky rhythm that emphasizes all the wrong syllables.

Production wise, the song does nothing to stand out. Ignoring the ass references, it’s just another generic pop rap song. The early ‘90s were full of songs like this, though most of them were supposed to teach you a ridiculous dance to do with the song. Even ‘Whoop! (There It Is)’ offered the listener a quotable line to recite. ‘Dazzey Duks’ doesn’t even offer that much since the lyrics are practically incomprehensible.

Duice, the duo that recorded this asinine piece of tripe, didn’t have any further success as a group. They released two albums, the first one becoming a hit and the second selling less than a thousand copies. One of the pair, L.A. Sno, did help produce and co-write songs for other artists, but chances are you haven’t heard any of them. In other words, these two were flashes in the pan that had no talent and didn’t warrant the success they got.

#9.

House music may have run its course by 1995, but it was still fairly big in 1993. One of the most well remembered hits to come from this genre was from a singer named Haddaway, who had his biggest hit this year with ‘What Is Love’, which is a glorious song. On a more relevant note, here’s Robin S. with ‘Show Me Love’.

#9. Show Me Love (Robin S.) [17; 5; 22 weeks]

Now, for those of you not familiar with ‘90s music, you’re likely thinking, “I’ve never heard this song before and have no idea what you’re talking about”. Actually, chances are you have heard this song before. You remember the Kid Ink song ‘Show Me’ from back in 2014? How about Jason Derulo’s ‘Don’t Wanna Go Home’ from 2011? That’s right, both of these songs sampled the melody from this one. Right out the gate this is a bad sign, considering ‘Don’t Wanna Go Home’ was the worst song to chart in 2011 and I’ll likely cover ‘Show Me’ when I get to 2014.

In terms of melody, I guess I could kind of understand why someone would like this song, but it does nothing for me besides make my skin crawl. The melody is just this glossy, ugly thing that repeats this one kind of bubbly sounding loop until your brain melts. The song this one reminds me the most of is ‘Temptation’ by Korina, in that it’s supposed to be a fun dance song, but instead sounds like something from a horror film.

If the lyrics matched this tone maybe I’d be able to buy it. The thing is, the song’s about how the narrator wants the listener to show her how much they love her, because she’s been burned by love so many times and wants to get it right this time. A premise like this isn’t bad so long as it’s executed well. Unfortunately, Robin S. just doesn’t have the confidence and dominance to pull off this persona; she comes across as too desperate to be believable. She doesn’t seem to stay focused on what attitude she’s trying to convey either.

Like the previous act, Robin S. only released two albums, with her second album not seeing nearly as much success as her first. However, she’s apparently still performing to this day, so I guess she’s doing all right for herself. Still though, if you ask me, you’re better off checking out the other song named ‘Show Me Love’ by Robyn that came out three years later, and showing no further love for this.

#8.

Now here’s a genre I’ve yet to touch base with: cod reggae. It’s a British term that can roughly be translated to mean “false reggae”, and is basically that: reggae made by people that don’t understand the roots or inspirations behind the genre. The people that usually perform this tend to be white and the music tends to be stiff and lifeless, though it’s not always bad. People are probably expecting to see the Snow song ‘Informer’ on this list now that I’ve mentioned this genre, but I honestly didn’t have that much issue with it. It wasn’t anything special, but it was harmless. Fight the real enemy folks.

#8. (I Can’t Help) Falling in Love with You (UB40) [3; 1; 23 weeks]

While UB40 were incredibly successful in their native UK, in America they’re mostly known for their covers. That baffles me because all of their covers are terrible. In fact, all of their songs are terrible. They’re a reggae band in the same sense that Vanilla Ice is a rapper. This particular song is especially awful when you consider the artist they’re covering.

The original song had this soft, gentle instrumentation that didn’t overpower Elvis’s vocal performance. It matched the tone of the song and had life to it. UB40’s version sounds no different from any other song they perform; it’s limp and soggy, like an old sponge. It completely clashes with the mood of the song; it’s aiming to be light and bouncy, and it can’t even pull that off.

That brings us to front man Ali Campbell. Elvis’s performance was soulful and earnest. He packed so much more tangled emotion into his performance than Campbell could even hope to realize exists. Instead, he sounds like he was singing simultaneously through his nose and from the very front of his mouth, which just sounds ugly and lacking any kind of romantic appeal whatsoever.

If the Police were reggae influenced music done right, UB40 are what it’s like when it’s done completely and utterly wrong. Their lead singer can’t sing, the band performs music that even stoners couldn’t get into, and they take dumps on classic songs. “I can’t help falling in love with you,” huh Campbell? Well I can’t help hating you, your band or particularly this song.  

#7.

Seriously Disney, what in the name of all that is kid friendly were you thinking?

#7. A Whole New World (Peabo Bryson and Regina Belle) [18; 1; 18 weeks]

I understand that animated films weren’t considered things to be taken seriously back in the ‘90s, and Disney needed to have contemporary artists cover songs from them in order to get Oscars or Grammys. You do what you’ve got to do. What I don’t understand is why said covers needed to suck so much. It doesn’t help matters that the artists they keep picking for these covers just aren’t very good.

To begin with, there’s the instrumentation. This is the absolute wrong sound for a song like this. The original version had this light, colorful musical score that included flutes, strings and brass instruments. It truly felt like the listener was soaring along with the lead characters on their magic carpet ride. This cover version just sounds bland and dull. There’s no magic here; it’s driven primarily by an electric piano, and it just feels too heavy to be any fun.

That brings us to the two singers. Say what you want about Disney movies’ lead protagonists during this time period, but they had gorgeous singing voices. Brad Kane and Lea Salonga were a great match for this song; they truly sound like two people falling in love. Meanwhile, this cover has Peabo Bryson and Regina Belle, who aren’t necessarily bad singers per se, but you can tell listening to them that the song’s being sung by celebrities. It doesn’t sound romantic or enchanting; it just sounds like two people singing a generic pop song for the sake of getting a hit out of it.

I don’t think Disney songs performed by popular bands or artists are inherently bad; they can be good. Idina Menzel’s ‘Let It Go’, Fall Out Boy’s ‘Immortals’ and Shakira’s ‘Try Everything’ are examples of how these can be done well, but this? It’s the purest and most transparent attempt at Oscar and Grammy bait. It’s not the worst example of such, though I might just get to that someday. For now, let me just say this is one “whole new world” that was probably best left unvisited.

#6.

I’m probably going to get a lot of flack for this one. I know people like this song, and there’s nothing wrong with that. As for me personally, I just think it’s awful.

#6. Two Princes (Spin Doctors) [28; 7; 22 weeks]

One of the big movements that came to mainstream prominence in the early ‘90s was alternative rock. With the breakthrough of Nirvana and the rising popularity of grunge and Britpop, studio executives started to see the commercial viability of alternative rock, especially with the success of bands like R.E.M. Somewhere mixed in with the other bands of this mold is where you’ll find Spin Doctors, who had their two hits around this time: this song and ‘Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong’ from the year before.

One of the main descriptions of alternative rock is that it’s guitars first and foremost, and that the lyrics focus on social issues like drug use, depression, suicide and environmentalism. So, you’d think that a song from this genre would have more thought and effort put into it. ‘Two Princes’, meanwhile, is this zero-calorie nothing of a song that sounds like it was written in five minutes. Seriously, some of these lyrical choices feel like they were the first things the writer could think of to fill up space in the song, especially the chorus:

Said if you want to call me baby

Just go ahead now

And if you like to tell me maybe

Just go ahead now

And if you wanted to buy me flowers

Just go ahead now

And if you like to talk for hours

Just go ahead now

Noticing a pattern here?

That said, what do these nonsensical lyrics mean when you focus on the whole? Well, the narrator is broke, doesn’t have a future or family to his name and he’s competing for this girl’s hand against a wealthy man with “diamonds in his pockets” and a “Big Seal upon his jacket”. Her father will approve her if she marries the wealthy man, but disown her if she marries the narrator. Not exactly selling yourself very well here, are you dude?

Also, there’s little to indicate he actually does love this girl; the chorus is all about the things he thinks she would want to do for him, not the other way around. He says he wants to buy her rockets and that he knows what a prince and lover ought to be, but those feel less like statements of affection, and more like desperate nothings he’s spouting to win her over because that’s all he’s got.

More than anything, the song this one reminds me of is ‘Rude’ by MAGIC!, in that it claims to be a song about love, but has undercurrents that make it feel a lot less appealing. In ‘Two Princes’s case, the narrator just sounds like an arrogant jerk who thinks he can win this girl over with outrageous claims that he can’t back up. Normally I can enjoy stories where the underdog succeeds and love conquers all, but what am I supposed to like about this guy? In other words, no dude; I don’t want to call you “baby”, I don’t want to tell you “maybe”, I don’t want to buy you flowers, and if I were to talk for hours, it would be about anything other than you.

#5.

Besides ‘Summer of ‘69’, would someone please tell me why we kept Bryan Adams around in the ‘90s?  

#5. Please Forgive Me (Bryan Adams) [--; 7; 9 weeks]

I feel like it’s kind of hilarious that this song is so terrible that even its title feels the need to apologize for its existence. Bryan Adams had two hits around this time. The other one ‘All For Love’ almost got consideration for this list, but between the two I think ‘Please Forgive Me’ is far worse.

First of all, there’s the song’s lifeless melody. I realize it’s trying to have a serious tone, but there’s a difference between being somber and being crap, and ‘Please Forgive Me’ falls ass first into the latter. It really says something about how poorly structured a song is that the chorus is the weakest part of the song. Even a key change near the end of the song wasn’t enough to salvage it.

That just leaves the lyrics and subject matter, which are somehow worse. I’ll cut to the chase: it’s a song about sex. That’s right, Mr. ‘(Everything I Do) I Do It For You’ wants to sing about sex now. See, Bryan Adams wants you to forgive him if he bangs you too hard, because he just can’t help loving you. I realize not everyone likes it rough, but even if this woman doesn’t, is this honestly the apology you think will make up for that? “I’m sorry for riding you so hard honey. I didn’t know what I was doing, so don’t deny me the pain I’m going through. I just love you too much is all.” Oh yeah, such a charmer, that one.

I seriously didn’t need a song that gave me the mental image of Bryan Adams’s “Oh” face. Even if you’re a fan, I can’t imagine what you could possibly get out of this song aside from an apology that it exists. People say that Canada’s apology for him wasn’t enough, but really we should be focusing our rage at the man himself. Bryan Adams, your apology wasn’t good enough!

#4.

Something I’ve noticed about bad music from this year was that the artists in question didn’t tend to see much further success after this point. This could be because they only became popular because they rode on trends of the time, or because the music they made happened to be in vogue. In some cases, I think the more likely reason was that people were quick to catch on that these artists just plain sucked.

#4. I Got a Man (Positive K) [63; 14; 14 weeks]

Positive K started out contributing to a hip-hop showcase album called ‘Fast Money’ for the smaller, independent label Star Maker in 1986. After that, he made appearances on a few underground compilations, including releasing a duet with MC Lyte called ‘I’m Not Havin’ It’. However, it was ‘I Got a Man’ that propelled him into the public eye. I can’t understand why though, since it was not only basically a carbon copy of ‘I’m Not Havin’ It’, but also complete crap.

The “plot” of the song, if you will, is that Positive K is hitting on a woman but being repeatedly rejected because she has a man already. Despite this, he continues to pester her, rejects her offer to just be friends and even states that he isn’t interested in a committed relationship, but would prefer one of physical pleasures. Dude, take a hint: she’s not interested, she’s already taken and all you’re doing is making yourself seem like a creep and an idiot for not understanding that “no” means “no”.

Of course, considering the fact that he voices both parties in the song, this would suggest that there’s a hint of self-awareness on display. That can safely be dismissed though, once you consider that the voice that represents himself seriously thinks he’s hot stuff, and ultimately has the last say at the end. Positive K just doesn’t seem like he knows how to make that kind of social commentary, and as I pointed out, he’s done this before.

This was Positive K’s only hit song, and none of the rest of his material ever achieved the same success. He released his second album back in 2008, and a collaboration album with Greg Nice earlier this year. The former was apparently made up of songs between 1986 and 1997 that he never released, and I can’t find anything on the latter. After listening to this though, I can’t say I care to either. 

#3.

Back when I posted my ‘worst of 1991’ list, there was one artist I briefly discussed but who barely missed the list proper: Tevin Campbell. I realize that people like the kid, but his first solo single ‘Round and Round’ did nothing for me. It showcased some less-than-stellar production from Prince and Tevin himself was fifteen and sounded how one would expect a fifteen-year-old Michael Jackson wannabe would sound. It might’ve qualified, but I ultimately felt like it merely showcased that he had the potential to make awful music. I can safely say that, by 1993, he achieved it.

#3. Can We Talk (Tevin Campbell) [--; 10; 11 weeks]

I’m not entirely sure I have coherent criticism of this song. I realize that people that are nostalgic for early ‘90s R&B and soul will doubtlessly disagree with this choice. That said, within the first few seconds of hearing this song I knew I completely, utterly hated it.

I guess I can start with the lyrics and subject matter. It’s a song about a guy that likes a girl but is too shy to tell her. He keeps telling himself he’ll eventually ask for her name, though he never does. This would seem like a cute little idea for a song, until you get to the end of the song and his requests start to get a bit more forceful. He’s not asking for her name anymore; he’s demanding it at that point. That’s more than a little concerning; if I were this girl I wouldn’t want to give my name out to someone like that either. It’s not quite as bad as Lionel Richie’s ‘Hello’, but there are still reflections of it in there.

Of course, the biggest problem I have with this song is Tevin Campbell’s singing. Every single note he sings is just this awkward, nasal whine. He sounds like a dying cat! Say what you will about Lionel Richie; at least he sounded like a human being! I know I shouldn’t be giving this kid so much flack; he was seventeen at the time this song came out, and to be fair he has developed some bass in his voice now that he’s older. Still though, his singing is still reedy as ever and he’s now transitioned from being a Michael Jackson wannabe to an Usher wannabe. Because we didn’t have enough of those now, did we?

I just don’t understand why we needed Tevin Campbell around. There’s nothing noteworthy about him that we weren’t getting from other people. His negative qualities only serve to accent how little he contributes to the pop music world. Also, he hasn’t had a hit since 1994 and even some of his fans didn’t like his later material. What purpose does he serve? None. Moving along!

#2.

One of the trends I noticed about 1993 was the rise in people trying to copy the formula of Boyz II Men. This seemed to make sense; the band was growing in popularity, and would only get bigger from here. The problem is that the bands that tried their hand at their style tended to be crap, and this is by far the worst example of such.

#2. Comforter (Shai) [48; 10; 20 weeks]

I was never a Boyz II Men fan, but I will admit that their early material demonstrated that they had talent, and with time it would blossom into quality music, like in 1995 with ‘One Sweet Day’. The same could certainly not be said of their imitators, particularly of this band, Shai. They had their only hits between 1992 and 1994, and all of them are bad, but this might be the worst of all.

Let’s start by focusing on the singers. These have to be some of the most boring, formulaic harmonies I’ve heard from a song this year. There’s no passion in these guys’ voices at all; they sound checked out. Even the ad-libbed portions don’t sound like they put any effort into them!

Of course, the singing is just the tip of the iceberg; the real problem with this song is the subject matter and lyrics. See, according to the boys in Shai, your man treats you badly, and they can treat you better. I dare say they sound like such nice guys! I shouldn’t even need to go into detail about this; we all know that “nice guys” are the gutless losers that don’t seem to realize they’re just as big assholes as the jocks they hate. They seem to think that girls only date jerks, and that they can treat them like gentlemen. Look, even if the girl isn’t happy with this current relationship, that doesn’t mean she wants to hook up with you instead.

I think it’s interesting to note that the bad music from this year seemed to reflect the bad music we’re getting nowadays. 1993 had ‘Gangsta Lean’ instead of ‘See You Again’, ‘Two Princes’ instead of ‘Rude’, ‘Dazzey Duks’ instead of any booty song from 2014 and now this song instead of Shawn Mendes’s ‘Treat You Better’. We already had all these terrible songs before! Why are they suddenly spawning again now? Still, there was one song worse than this.

#1.

I’m sure people are tired of hearing me say this by now, especially given some of the worst picks for my previous lists. Still, this needs to be an honest list, and I do think this next song is awful, a very familiar kind of awful. Yes folks, once again we’re dealing with a comedy song that isn’t funny, and it pains me that it had to come from metal.

#1. Three Little Pigs (Green Jellÿ) [93; 17; 12 weeks]

See, I’d like to think I have an open mind. I don’t know of any examples of metal demonstrating forms of comedy, but I would be willing to hear people present examples of such. I can safely say that this is not one of them. It’s not even like Green Jellÿ were a great band to begin with; by their own admission, they suck.

First, let’s start with the vocals and instrumentation. The vocals are provided by the band’s lead vocalist Bill Manspeaker, as well as Maynard James Keenan, who would go on to be the lead vocalist for the band Tool, Les Claypool, bassist and lead vocalist of Primus, and Pauly Shore, who’s built an entire career out of not being funny. The performances they give are annoying and painful. Manspeaker sounds like he’s being castrated and the others sound like either they’re regressing back to kindergarten or they’re adults who flunked out of kindergarten.

That leaves the lyrics, which are a retelling of the story of ‘The Three Little Pigs’. In this version, one of the pigs is a pot-smoking religious speaker, another graduated from Harvard, and the wolf rides a Harley and is killed by Rambo at the end of the song. Here’s a game for you to play: find the moment where any of this is supposed to be funny. You’ll be looking a long time, because there is none. The additions to the story don’t add to it and they certainly don’t provide any comedy for the listener to laugh at.

Then you get to the end of the song, and it closes on this line: “And the moral of the story is a band with no talent can easily amuse idiots with a stupid puppet show”. That’s right, this song relies entirely on the poor-quality claymation video for its moral to make any sense. First of all, you’re basically saying that you have no talent and anyone that finds this song funny is an idiot. Some of the people in this song clearly had talent; they went on to join much better bands! Furthermore, admitting that you made something terrible doesn’t excuse you from having done so. If anything, this makes it worse, because you’ve admitted that you know what you created was crap and did nothing to fix it! Nice save, douche bag!

Green Jellÿ just weren’t a funny band; the only thing they had going for them was their live performances. Even with those, they didn’t serve any purpose. When the KLF did their ridiculous antics, they were at least presenting an artistic statement, something this band didn’t have. They didn’t use their self-awareness to any ends other than to present no indication that they gave a crap about their music or audience. ‘Three Little Pigs’ by Green Jellÿ: my pick for the worst hit song of 1993.  

Top 5 Best & Worst Lady Gaga Songs

Hi folks. I’ve been doing these lists for a while now, and I’ve covered many different years in pop music history. In doing this, however, I feel like I’m skipping over songs by artists that never even cracked the Hot 100 that might be really good, possibly better than anything of the artist’s that the general public ever got exposed to. So, I’ve decided to start new lists, these ones focusing on specific artists and tallying up their best and worst songs.

            Now, for these lists, I’ve decided to set ground rules. First, while I am including remixes of songs, I’ll only be including one version of the song per list, otherwise one list could just consist of different remixes of the same song. Second, I won’t be including live versions of songs because, with few exceptions, they’re generally not different from the studio version. Finally, I won’t include songs where the artist is only a feature; I’m only focusing on songs where the artist is the lead performer.

            Speaking of performers, let’s talk about Lady Gaga. While her prevalence in the mainstream has waned in recent years, when she first hit the scene, she was huge. She had a lot of shock value, but didn’t usually let that interfere with the quality of her material. In contrast to the pop princesses that came before, and even to other artists that came around the same time or after, she had a lot of talent in music and was not afraid to show it. So today we’re going to be looking at both ends of her musical spectrum, praising her highlights and shunning her low points. If you’re familiar with how I structure my lists, you should have already guessed that we’ll be starting at the bottom and working our way up from there.

            Get ready folks, because we’re about to show Mother Monster our love as revenge as we count down…

…THE TOP 5 WORST LADY GAGA SONGS!

            #5.

            When Lady Gaga first debuted in the pop music world, it was still up in the air whether she was an artist with a lot of creative, interesting ideas or a collection of pretentious masks covering an empty shell. Her first two albums seemed to indicate the former, but starting around her third album, ‘Artpop’, some noticeable problems began to surface. One of the most prominent was that she began releasing songs that she claimed were personal, but that the mainstream audience couldn’t connect with, such as this:

            #5. Swine [Artpop]

            Sometimes, an artist goes through a lot of psychological trauma and needs a chance to vent their feelings. There’s nothing wrong with this; performers are capable of creating good or at least interesting music just by drawing on inspiration from their personal experiences, both positive and negative. Unfortunately, I feel no sense of personal connection to this song, despite what Gaga has stated about it.

            According to Lady Gaga, the song is about rape, demoralization, rage, fury, passion and all the pain she wanted to release after being raped at 19 by a producer twice her age. I feel terrible about criticizing the expression or voice of a sexual abuse victim, but I honestly don’t feel most of those things in this song. It just sounds like Lady Gaga is repeatedly calling me a swine, which she has stated is apparently the worst thing you can call someone in Europe.

            On the instrumental side, this song’s not much better. Production-wise, it’s pretty much a remix of itself, and vocally Gaga sounds like she’s on autopilot. I’m not a huge fan of remixes to begin with, but when you create a song that’s already essentially just that, then it serves no purpose. Even most of the other songs off of ‘Artpop’ felt like complete songs rather than just reproduced versions of scrapped song ideas, which is how this feels.

            This placed low on the list because, as far as bad production ideas go, this isn’t terrible. Even if it sounds like just a rehash of a song that never got released, it at least has an almost consistent melody. We’ll be seeing much worse once we get further down the list, but until then, I guess Gaga calling me a swine isn’t inaccurate because after listening to this, I just feel dirty.

           

            #4.

            What kind of music do you think of when I say “Lady Gaga song”? Well, they tend to be big and theatrical, some take a lot of inspiration from the ‘80s, some make references to fame or the desire thereof, while others have explicitly sexual lyrics. You know what you don’t think of when you think of a Lady Gaga song? How about the theme song to a C-grade Disney children’s film?

            #4. Hello, Hello (w/ Elton John) [Gnomeo and Juliet (not featured on the album)]

            I realize this is kind of a stretch to call a Lady Gaga song since the version of this song from the album only features Elton John. I’m still counting it for this list though, since the version with Gaga is still featured in the film and she helped write the song. Though it does raise the question of why they didn’t include the version from the film on the album and instead used the solo version. If I had to venture a guess, I’d assume she didn’t want to be featured on the soundtrack out of shame because this song is just embarrassing.

            For starters, the lyrics are some of the most hackneyed lines one could imagine. The chorus actually features the line, “My, my, my, what have we here” and uses it unironically. Sure, that’s probably something you’d hear someone say in an old, badly written children’s story or something, but who talks like that in real life? Also, “Heading out to see the sights”? “Famous last lines of a fool”? “Something comes to tip you off your stool”? Oh gosh, oh golly gee, my fine friends, I do believe we have stumbled upon some most curious lyrical choices! Dearie me!

            Of course, the song’s biggest fault by far is the composition and instrumentation. Normally I think both Elton John and Lady Gaga are capable of making really impressively interesting songs when they’re on their “A” game. This twinkling snoozefest sounds like both artists were half asleep when they recorded it. Even Gaga’s performances on ‘Cheek to Cheek’ had some semblance of life in them. There’s no fire here, no emotional investment, no intrigue whatsoever; this is just boring.

            What especially sucks about this song was that the film it was featured on was released a few months before Lady Gaga’s ‘Born This Way’. Up until this point, and even with the release of that album, she’d mostly been known for releasing these huge, bombastic numbers that had serious punch to them. This could have stood to be higher on this list, except that both it and the film it’s from have been pretty much swept under the rug at this point, so it’s not like it seriously affected her musical output. Even so, Lady Gaga, Elton John, both of you are better than this!

            #3.

            When Lady Gaga released the title track for ‘Born This Way’, it set the mood for the rest of the album. It was very heavily ‘80s inspired, it had a lot of explosive energy behind it and it highlighted just how awesome Lady Gaga was as a performer. Choosing an appropriate follow-up single to that would be quite a challenge, since there’s no way she could possibly top something like that in terms of self-indulgence and over-the-top antics. So, what did they decide to go with?

            #3. Judas [Born This Way]

            I already talked about this song on a previous list, so I’ll try not to repeat myself. With this one exception, I liked all the songs off of Lady Gaga’s ‘Born This Way’ to some degree. I think it’s a brilliant album that clearly demonstrates her love of music, and especially her love of the ‘80s. I hear none of that present in this song though; it just feels like a weak attempt to shock.

            Let’s start with the composition and production, shall we? I’ve touched on how the song blatantly copies the formulas of ‘Poker Face’ and ‘Bad Romance’ before, but that by itself doesn’t make the song bad. It makes it uninspired and disappointing though, and the electro house sound it goes for just isn’t the right fit for Gaga. Apparently I’m not the only one that thought so, because every time it gets to the chorus it drops it for this stiff, generic pop sound that also doesn’t suit her.

            Then there’s the lyrics, which attempt to paint a dark, twisted image of a romance with a man that has betrayed the narrator, yet she keeps going back to him. I realize Lady Gaga’s music isn’t exactly presenting positive messages to begin with, but is this really the kind of love she wants to present as desirable? The message of the song is basically, “I love this man and will clean him, worship him and shower him in my affection even when he lies to me, betrays me and gives me every reason to leave him.” That’s not romantic; that’s disturbing; you’re basically begging for an abusive relationship!

            This was the only song on this list to actually become a hit, but I’m glad it disappeared soon afterwards. As far as romance with monster songs go, it’s not quite as bad as Katy Perry’s ‘E.T.’, but it’s still well below par in terms of Gaga’s usual output. This is one bad romance I want no part of.

            #2.

            Speaking of songs about bad romances…

            #2. Poker Face (Space Cowboy Remix) [The Remix (Japan Track List)] 

            I wanted to minimize the number of remixes I included on this list because it’s not generally Lady Gaga’s fault that the remixes are bad. That said I just hate this one in particular. She’s worked with Space Cowboy on songs before and they’ve turned out fine. Yet, for some reason, his remixes just don’t seem to turn out well.

I’m not even a huge fan of the original ‘Poker Face’, but I will concede that I thought the song was decent, and certainly a demonstration of Gaga’s musical chops. It was catchy, its lyrics were memorable and its chorus was iconic. Also, it had her working with RedOne, who is part of the reason she got as big as she did when she started out.

Space Cowboy, however, seemed to decide that it needed more for his remix. For example, he added an unnecessary minute-long intro that serves no purpose except to establish that it’s the Space Cowboy remix. On top of that, he threw in various unpleasant sound effects, such as what sounds like a clown horn, an ambulance siren, gunshots and some kind of water sound effect that repeats for various lengthy periods throughout the song. Considering the subject matter of the song, I can’t help but feel like that either represents someone getting water boarded or…releasing. Gross dude.

I didn’t think it was possible to take a song like ‘Poker Face’ and make it dirtier, but Space Cowboy pulled it off. I feel like I need to take a long shower after listening to this. Despite this though, there was still one song worse. What could it possibly be? Let’s take a look.

            #1.

            I’m not usually a fan of remixes. Often times they miss the point of the original song and desecrate something that was already fine as it was. Some remixes can improve on the original, but they’re few and far between. More often than not, you end up with cases where the song sounds pretty much the same but with a dance beat over it, or with a rap verse added in that serves no purpose. At worst though…

            #1. LoveGame (Space Cowboy Remix) [The Remix (Japan Track List)]

            In my opinion, the worst offense a remix can commit is to take a good or even okay song and make it sound nothing like itself. I can’t think of any other way to describe what happened with this song though. ‘LoveGame’ wasn’t exactly a top-tier Lady Gaga song to begin with, but at least it sounded like something she would make. None of these things can be said of this deformed, brain dead remake.

            For starters, there’s the production. This version sounds absolutely nothing like the original song; it sounds more like what you’d hear out of a haunted fun house or a bad porno. In addition, it includes almost none of the original song in it whatsoever, save for one line: “Let’s have some fun/This beat is sick/I wanna take a ride on your disco stick”. In its defense, it’s not like anyone remembers any other lyrics from ‘LoveGame’.

            Worse yet, though, is Gaga herself. Her vocal performance here is somehow even less invested than any of the other songs I’ve listed so far by a long margin. This is especially true of the one new line that was added to this version of the song: “Has anybody seen my disco stick”. Between Gaga’s half-drunk performance and the vocal pops that are clearly audible at the end of that line, I want to put this song through a paper shredder.

            This doesn’t even sound like a song; it sounds like a bad internet meme, one that should disappear from the depths of the internet and never surface again. No, worse, it’s more like the soundtrack that would be played over one of those Vine videos, and this was before Vine was even a thing. Space Cowboy, Lady Gaga, shame on both of you for making this!

            Gee, this is kind of a sour note to end on. So I think it’s only fair that we now give Gaga that thing that she loves, put our hands up and make them touch as we count down…

…THE TOP 5 BEST LADY GAGA SONGS!

            #5.

            One recurring theme that appears in a lot of Lady Gaga’s music is her relationship with fame and everything that comes with it. This was especially true of ‘The Fame’ and ‘Artpop’ with the former being about how much she desires fame and the latter expressing how awesome she feels now that she’s famous. However, her most recent album, ‘Joanne’ also explores her fame to some degree, especially with this song:

            #5. Million Reasons [Joanne]

            With the number of big, dramatic pop songs she’s released over the course of her career, I guess it’s hard to think of Lady Gaga as a slower, more confessional songwriter like Pink. Still, I think she pulls it off with this song. She’s written ballads prior to this song, and some were pretty good, but it’s this song that really takes the cake as far as I’m concerned.

            On the surface, it seems like the song is about a relationship, with Gaga saying that she’s being given “a million reasons” to just give up on it. She’s trying to find something positive, just one good thing to keep her invested. In the context of the album, however, it becomes clear that this song is about her relationship, not with a person, but with the mainstream. It raises the question of whether she should consider herself still a part of the pop music world at a time when she’s drifting further away from it.

            As for the instrumentation and production, it matches the uncertainty and frustration expressed in the lyrics. It’s pretty barebones, being driven primarily by acoustic guitar and piano. I’ve stated that I’m not a fan of white chick with piano songs, but even I have to concede that it works here. The minimalist approach is the right choice for this song; it keeps it from overpowering Lady Gaga’s vocals, with this being probably one of her most powerful vocal performances of her career. It’s a clear sign of how, in some cases, less is more.

            I’m not going to die defending all of the songs off of ‘Joanne’. At the end of the day, it wasn’t her best album, and she’s certainly done better. If more of the songs were like this one though, I’d be more inclined to say otherwise. ‘Artpop’ and ‘Cheek to Cheek’ might have given us all the reasons we needed to walk out on Gaga, but this one song is reason enough to stay.

            #4.

            Back when she was starting out, Lady Gaga released a number of songs about the corruption of the concept of love; ‘Poker Face’, ‘LoveGame’, ‘Paparazzi’ and ‘Bad Romance’ being the big singles everyone remembers that did so. Considering she portrayed herself as something of a monster of a human being in songs such as these, it’s easy to see how some people would be disturbed by her persona. Those people must’ve considered it a breath of fresh air when she released a song that put her on the receiving end.

            #4. Monster [The Fame Monster]

            ‘Monster’ is the underappreciated gem from ‘The Fame Monster’. ‘Bad Romance’ might be one of her signature songs, but this is the one that truly highlighted her best work from that EP. It’s a shame it was never released as a single, though this just shows why one shouldn’t restrict themselves to an artist’s singles when listening through their discography.

            Lyrically, it’s unique among Gaga’s early work, since it puts her in a position of weakness. Her other songs from this time might’ve implied vulnerability, but there was that unspoken understanding that she was still the one in control. She has none of that here though; this isn’t a relationship she could escape from anytime she wanted. She’s afraid of this man she sings about, but she’s still drawn to him. Take some notes from yourself, Gaga: this is what ‘Judas’ should have been!

            Another way in which this song differs from Gaga’s early work is in the production. It was handled by RedOne, and that is only a plus as far as I’m concerned. What makes it different is the tightness of it all. This might be one of the most controlled atmospheres I’ve ever heard in a Lady Gaga song, yet it still meshes well with the uncomfortable, uneasy tone.

            I’m partially of the opinion that ‘The Fame Monster’ was kind of overrated. Most of the songs from that EP were not particularly great, even if some of them were at least good. That said there are still some songs I’d recommend from it, with this being right at the top of that list. It’s an awesome song from Gaga’s early period at its finest.

            #3.

            One of the big themes from Lady Gaga’s third album, ‘Artpop’ was the reveling in the art world excesses that come from being a famous artist. Unfortunately, this doesn’t exactly come across as something that could sustain itself as being all that enjoyable for very long, especially considering that most of the mainstream music-listening public will likely never experience that world ever in their entire lives. Fortunately, as the album approached its end, it started to present songs that revealed how unfulfilling it can be to live in that world all the time.

            #3. Gypsy [Artpop]

            It was a toss up between including this song or ‘Dope’, and ultimately I went with the former. That’s not to say I think ‘Dope’ is a bad song. It just didn’t offer a lifeline of optimism to counterbalance its bleakness like ‘Gypsy’ does.

            In terms of its production, it starts out seeming like a sad power ballad on piano. Then it reaches the chorus and the synths and drum machines kick in and it soars to life by the time it reaches the peak of its climax at the end of the hook, and it is glorious. This song’s been compared to a previous Lady Gaga song, ‘The Edge of Glory’, and I can definitely see the similarities. Even so, this song definitely stands out in its own right just because unlike that song ‘Gypsy’ offers more of a contrast between the verses and the chorus.

            Speaking of contrast, let’s look at the lyrics. The song describes how Gaga feels alone, isolated from the world despite her travels and seeing so many different people. She doesn’t want to feel this way, but is willing to endure the loneliness for the time being. She has stated that ‘Gypsy’ is ‘Artpop’s most personal song, and represents how she feels at home when she’s with her fans. It certainly feels more personal than the rest of the album did.

            Considering how uneven the album was, I’m surprised that it managed to produce a song this good. When people talk about the best tracks from ‘Artpop’ the one that usually comes to mind is ‘Do What U Want’. I can understand why, but I feel like that song’s kind of ruined by R. Kelly’s verse, which completely misses the point of the song. ‘Gypsy’ doesn’t suffer from that problem though, and it’s that much better for it.

            #2.

            Now then ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the song that started it all:

            #2. Just Dance (ft. Colby O’Donis) [The Fame]

            The songs most people think of when they consider Lady Gaga’s early work tend to be her stranger ones, like ‘Poker Face’ or ‘Bad Romance’. That’s understandable; those songs really stood out compared to other music on the radio at the time, and they served to establish her persona more than her other works did. With that in mind, I think it only fair that credit be given where it’s due and that we acknowledge her first hit single, which is probably one of the most normal-sounding songs she’s ever released.

            On a lyrical level, ‘Just Dance’ is about a great night turning into a bad one. The narrator’s drunk a little too much, she’s pretty much a train wreck, and she’s about to make some stupid decisions like hooking up with random strangers. For the moment though, everything’s okay and she’s just going to let out all her inhibitions and give herself into the one thing she has at this very moment: the ability to dance her cares away.

            The tone of the song certainly matches the subject matter, what with its happy, upbeat sound over an undercurrent of craziness and lack of control. That breakdown right before the final chorus probably hits closer to home for the alcoholics out there than they’d like to admit. If there’s one complaint I have about this song, it’s the guest verse from Colby O’Donis, who just isn’t on the same page at all. This song might’ve had a shot at being the #1 for this list if not for him.

            Lady Gaga has stated that this song saved her life. At the time she wrote it, she was in a pretty dark point in her life: depressed and constantly at the bar. She wrote the song with producer RedOne in about ten minutes, and has stated that it’s meant for people going through rough times. The demented optimism of the song certainly reflects that, and I feel like most people enjoy a good, desperate party song over the generic club jams that were coming out around this time. This is one dance that I’d be happy to drink myself into taking.

            #1.

            I didn’t really need to ponder too much regarding which song would be my #1 for this list. I knew this spot would have to go to a song that just blew me away, a song that inspired awe in me. Coming from Lady Gaga, it would have to be a song that demonstrated all of her strengths as a performer and didn’t solely rely on shock value or bizarre language shifts or nonsense words and just delivered honest-to-God great music. Taking all that into account, there was only one song that could possibly be the #1.

            #1. The Edge of Glory [Born This Way]

            If there’s anything to be taken from Lady Gaga’s songs, it’s that she loves making music. This could be seen as the general message behind ‘Born This Way’, which had a number of songs celebrating her life and the music she’s come to associate with it. When I wrote my best of 2011 list, I placed this song on there, and I stand by that decision. That said I’ll try to avoid repeating myself as best I can for this list.

             Let’s look at the production for this record. Gaga produced it, along with all the other songs off of ‘Born This Way’, but this song also saw some work from Grammy winning super producer, songwriter, DJ, entrepreneur and speaker Fernando Garibay. He’s done work for a number of artists, including Enrique Iglesias, The Paradiso Girls and Natalia Kills. I’m mostly familiar with his work on Lady Gaga’s ‘Born This Way’ album, but this is by far his best production on that album, with all the elements serving to add to the atmosphere, building up at all the right points and delivering explosive payoffs right when they need to.

            Of course, the production is one thing, but it hardly makes much of a difference if the main artist can’t match it with a recognizable personality or incredible singing chops. Fortunately, Lady Gaga brought both of these things to the table on this song. This is easily the best she’s ever sounded, presenting a melody that’s powerful, emotional and catchy all at once. The lyrics bring up subjects such as death and feeling like one’s succeeded at life, with such lines as “I’m on the edge of something final we call life tonight” and “I’m on the edge of glory/And I’m hanging on this moment with you”.

            Lady Gaga might not have released a song quite as good as this since, but the fact that she’s managed to consistently have good songs on each of her albums just goes to show what a great artist she is. It’s a shame that she’s declined so much in terms of mainstream success, because she’s very much the benchmark in terms of quality pop songs. Maybe she’ll have a comeback at some point and see further success. Until then, we still at least have this song. Gaga, you might be on the edge of glory, but we’re all hanging on that moment with you. 

Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2002

Hey folks. I admit I was kind of looking forward to doing this list. 2002 wasn’t the fondest time for me; it was still my first year of middle school after all. That said, it was still a pretty interesting year. I don’t consider it a particularly great year, but with the positives that came from it, and when you consider the tragedy that came before, I’d say it turned out alright all things considered.

As has been pointed out to me already, I’ve done quite a few lists focusing on bad or just generic years, and that can leave a guy weary. I picked this year at the request of some friends thinking I’d be choosing a good year, but even it ended up turning out merely okay. Maybe I’ll try to select a good year for the next set of lists I do. In the meantime, let’s focus on what we have before us. First, let’s look at our honorable mentions, shall we?

Heaven (DJ Sammy ft. Yanou and Do) [31; 8; 21 weeks]

This song is the epitome of vocal trance, a very specific subgenre of trance music that became popular around this time. This particular one covers a Bryan Adams song, and it is quite an improvement compared to the original. For starters, Do is a much better singer than Bryan Adams. Furthermore, the song is light-hearted and happy, which is how you would want to feel when you’re in heaven. Granted, at the end of the day it’s still just dance music, but it’s really good dance music.

Love of My Life (An Ode to Hip Hop) (Erykah Badu ft. Common) [--; 9; 9 weeks]

This song uses the theme of personifying hip-hop through the use of hip-hop slang and references to popular songs from the hip-hop genre, including Biz Markie’s ‘Just a Friend’, which this song seems to get and respect a lot more than Mario’s horrendous cover. Then there’s Common’s verse, where he references a previous song of his where he criticized gangsta rap and the commercialization of hip-hop. Years later, however, he’s now come to accept that these things had a purpose and weren’t necessarily bad. I can certainly see where he’s coming from, and I can agree with these things. I just wish they didn’t come with the stupidity that’s plagued the genre.

Disease (Matchbox Twenty) [--; 29; 6 weeks]

If this song confirms anything, it’s that Rob Thomas is a very versatile performer, being able to cover soft rock, pop funk and dance rock without sounding out of place or awkward. Compared to most other post-grunge bands from this time, Matchbox Twenty sound the most like a real rock band, and I have no problems with that.

The Middle (Jimmy Eat World) [14; 5; 26 weeks]

I think I have a weakness for emo bands that are able to come up with positive messages about persevering and moving forward even when life pushes you down. This isn’t the best example of such, but I can still appreciate this song. It’s very much the idea of not giving up and pushing ahead despite everything and everyone suggesting that you won’t succeed. I can get behind that.

The World’s Greatest (R. Kelly) [--; 34; 2 weeks]

Okay yes, I put an R. Kelly song on here. I know that he’s a slimy human being and he was caught doing something horrible, but I can’t help it; the guy’s still a good singer and he’s still made good music. I also realize that this song is pretty much one big ego trip. Unlike ‘I Wish’ however, I’m willing to give this a pass because it doesn’t pretend to be anything it isn’t. So, R. Kelly, you want to brag about how awesome you are and how great you feel? Go for it; I support this completely.

Now then, you’ve got me feeling hella good, so let’s just count down…

…THE TOP 10 BEST HIT SONGS OF 2002!

#10.

Something I noticed on the worst list was that I really didn’t talk much about rap music from this year. That’s probably because it was a lot better. We had much smarter, more talented rappers having hits, and they talked about things that felt less stupid. So, starting off this list, I’ll be discussing a song so dumb it boarders on self-parody.

#10. Move Bitch (Ludacris ft. Mystikal and I-20) [55; 10; 15 weeks]

Yes, once again we’re taking it to the dirty South. In fact, we’ll be covering two artists I’ve previously discussed: Ludacris and Mystikal. Such a team-up came at just the right moment, right when Mystikal was starting to lose relevance but also around when Ludacris was starting to make a name for himself.

Let’s take a moment to compare how the two approach the deep, deep subject of a bitch who just won’t move. First, there’s Ludacris, who is in full-on attack mode. He’s not politely insisting this girl move; he will punch her in the face, he will run her over and if her friends jump in they’ll suffer the same fate. Luda is not playing around here, and his delivery matches that aggression.

Then there’s Mystikal, who seems a bit less focused. Seriously, his verse starts out with intensity, then turns into a brag rap, then ends with him being defensive because he bought this girl TVs and jewelry and needs to pay child support. It’s kind of a mess of a verse, but even so he carries it all with a level of charisma that may be a match for Ludacris’s. Oh, and there’s I-20, who’s…there, I guess.

Like I said, this track is stupid, terribly stupid. However, it owns that stupidity, and doesn’t shy away from how ridiculous the whole affair is. Like with ‘The World’s Greatest’, this song works because it doesn’t put on airs of pretentiousness; it is what it says it is. There were better rap tracks that came out this year, but I can still appreciate this one for that much.

#9.

Where I wasn’t bothered by the genre that much the previous year, country music just got insufferable in 2002. I’m sure there were plenty of songs that had positive messages to them, but they were all delivered in this dreary presentation that I couldn’t get behind at all. So, I guess I should be more surprised than I am that a country song made this list, but with how dour and lifeless this genre was this year I’ll take whatever scraps I can get.

#9. I’m Gonna Getcha Good (Shania Twain) [--; 34; 5 weeks]

This barely qualified for this list, which is a shame; it should’ve been bigger than it was. Some of you will likely argue that this isn’t a country song. To that I have to say, “It’s performed by a country artist, and Wikipedia has it labeled as a country pop song, so I’m counting it”. Though, to be fair, Shania Twain had been moving more towards pop music for a while at this point. That said, I think it suits her better than country music did honestly.

This was the lead single off of her fourth album ‘Up!’, and it is a strong choice for that. The instrumentation is energetic and driving, especially the guitars. Even the keyboard, which would normally sound out of place on a country song, seems to fit into this one well. Then there’s Shania, who sounds like she loves every second she’s singing.

Speaking of the singing, that leaves the lyrics. It’s a pretty basic idea: “I’m going to make you love me”. Yet Shania sells it with a coyness and charm that I’m perfectly okay with. It comes across less questionable and more fun and inviting. Compare that to other pop stars like, say, Enrique Iglesias; when he tries it, he just comes across like an asshole.

Shania hasn’t released much new material since around 2004. I hope she releases her next album soon because pop music could certainly use some of Shania’s optimism to lift it up. In the meantime, we still have songs like this to look back on while we wait. Just like she should, she got me good.

#8.

Believe it or not, there was a time when Avril Lavigne didn’t suck. That might be hard to remember considering her recent output and her marriage to Chad Kroeger, but her first two albums showed that she had potential as an artist that spoke to teenage girls, and it felt real. Granted, she was still a teenager herself, and that really came through in some of her writing, but there were moments where she demonstrated surprising maturity for her age.

#8. I’m With You (Avril Lavigne) [--; 12; 4 weeks]

With teenage stars, there seems to be this certain transition. They start out writing music meant to connect to a more teen and younger audience, then they hit their twenties and try to reinvent themselves as what they think adults are like. That didn’t really happen with Avril Lavigne; she got older but her music got less and less mature. Still though, her first two albums presented her highest quality material and this song may very well be her best.

Let’s start by looking at the lyrics. The two songs Avril Lavigne released prior to this one were songs that were clearly meant to speak to teenagers, even if they did a good job at it. This song, on the other hand, is about being depressed, lost, confused and just reaching out for someone to offer support, and I feel like that’s something anyone, even adults, could relate to. I haven’t had this happen to myself, but I know people that have found themselves in that position.

That brings us to the production. Also in contrast to her previous singles, ‘I’m With You’ is a ballad, her first one released as a single, and the sadness of the song comes through strongest in the instrumentation. The cello is a unique sound for a rock song, or at least it was at the time, and it supports the song well, even as the guitar picks up during the chorus. Lastly, Avril’s vocal performance here is easily her most emotional, her most melodic, just her best overall.

It’s songs like this that are the reason why it wasn’t a bad thing that Green Day brought punk music to a mainstream audience. She’s released ballads since this song, even more recently, but they just haven’t matched the subtle or emotionally dramatic moments present here. Pretty much everything from ‘Girlfriend’ onwards is crap, but definitely check this one out folks; it’s worth the listen.

#7.

Controversy can be kind of a confusing thing in music. Some acts try to capitalize on something controversial to try and make people buy something based on shock value. Usually though, if an artist says or does something questionable, it was because they didn’t completely think it through when they said it. Such was the case with this next act, which unintentionally sparked controversy and paid the price for it. Thankfully, it wasn’t before this became a hit.

#7. Landslide (The Dixie Chicks) [--; 13; 10 weeks]

Country music may have become inescapable in 2002, but in some cases that wasn’t a bad thing. If anything, the Dixie Chicks were probably one of the smarter acts that had a hit this year, even if it did kind of fall into a similar mold to what most of the music from this genre sprouted from. Interestingly, this is a cover of a song by rock band Fleetwood Mac, and might even be an improvement on the original. How so?

Well, let’s start by looking at the original. It was written while singer Stevie Nicks was contemplating going back to school or continuing on with guitarist Lindsey Buckingham, while visiting Colorado and sitting in someone’s living room and pondering “the avalanche of everything that had come crashing down” on them, the landslide of her life if you will. The problem I find in the song is the tone Nicks delivers it in; she sounds a little too cheery. This is a song describing someone struggling through various challenges in their life and the emotion behind the song should reflect that a little better.

The Dixie Chicks’ version does improve on this a little. The cover is performed with less of a spring in its step, and lead singer Natalie Maines manages to present the tragedy of the events a little more clearly. Furthermore, the Dixie Chicks’ harmonies have always been the main selling point of their songs and these might have been their best collective vocal performance at the time.

It’s a shame that their London concert on March 10, 2003 happened while this song was still on the charts, since that was when Natalie Maines ended up saying an off-hand comment about then-president George W. Bush. This led to country music fans boycotting their music, many of their supporters dropped their support and ‘Landslide’ and the album it was on dropping off the charts within weeks. That’s a shame to me, not because I think George Bush was less of a president and more of a figurehead, but because the Dixie Chicks were making good music and only just managed to scrape the top 10 this year. Let’s just hope that, now that time has passed, people are willing to cut them some slack.

#6.

Pink took a while to grow on me. She might have had success with her first album, but her second album ‘Missundaztood’ is the one everyone remembers because it was to her what ‘Breakaway’ was to Kelly Clarkson. Of course, much like with ‘Since U Been Gone’, I didn’t really buy into that albums first single. I don’t think ‘Get This Party Started’ was a bad song, but it was just a silly dance jam that didn’t really flesh out Pink’s persona. No, what won me over to liking Pink was that album’s second single.

#6. Don’t Let Me Get Me (Pink) [36; 8; 18 weeks]

Usually when pop stars release something they claim is personal you need to take that with a grain of salt. Just because they connect with the material, that doesn’t guarantee their audience will also. Even when the material is supposed to be relatable, it’s not hard to differentiate between something honest and something manufactured. Fortunately, most of the material on ‘Missundaztood’ seemed genuine, and of the singles from that album, this was the best.

The lyrics of the song discuss teenage angst and the pressures of fame. Considering Pink was still a fairly new name at the time, and her previous album had her making material that she didn’t connect with, I can see where the latter is coming from. The song also demonstrates frequent self-deprecation, though it presents it in a way that shows that such behavior isn’t good. It certainly does a better job at it than ‘Fuckin’ Perfect’ did at least.

That brings us to the production and vocals. This was one of two songs off of this album that was produced by Dallas Austin, who doesn’t exactly have a strong track record of producing good songs, but seems to manage okay here. At the very least it manages better than ‘Family Portrait’, which was produced by Scott Storch. The song’s upbeat and full of personality, which can mainly be attributed to Pink, who carries the song’s melody very nicely. Also, unlike with ‘Just Like a Pill’, she manages to not strain her voice when singing.

Pink has improved as a performer since this album, even if her more recent output doesn’t truly reflect that. Of the female pop stars that managed to maintain a personal connection to their music, I’d argue she was one of the best. Of course, she’s not the only one of her kind appearing on this list.

#5.

Everyone has that one artist they know is flawed but enjoy anyway, a guilty pleasure act if you will. Here’s one of mine:

#5. A New Day Has Come (Celine Dion) [91; 22; 9 weeks]

Celine Dion falls into the same category of artists like Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey in that she’s really good at performing ballads. Unlike those two though, she hasn’t really built much of a reputation for being able to perform much else. Maybe that’s why I like this song, because she didn’t try to stretch too far outside of her comfort zone and create something that didn’t fit her personality.

In my defense, I recognize the faults in this song. The lyrics are clumsy to the point that they seem to trip over themselves to fit the meter. “I can’t believe I’ve been touched by an angel with love” anyone? Even when you focus on them as a whole, the message is pretty basic: “I fell in love with a guy and suddenly I feel better”.

Of course, where the song falters in its lyrics, it makes up for it with its instrumentation and production. It’s a ballad, which makes it a good fit for Celine Dion. Each of the instruments enter at exactly the points they need to, and of course her voice fits into it well. The melody of this song is solid and catchy, and it builds on itself well.

I don’t think this is Celine Dion’s best song, not by a long shot, but it is still a decent song by itself. Considering this was around when she started exclusively performing at Las Vegas, I think we should be grateful that she managed to make any good music during this period of her career.

#4.

When I did my best of 2001 list, there was one song that I wanted to include on the list but couldn’t because it didn’t chart high or long enough to qualify. Allow me to amend that now.

#4. Standing Still (Jewel) [87; 25; 11 weeks]

The best way I can think of to describe Jewel is that she’s like Alanis Morissette if she was smarter and took her music more seriously. I’ve mentioned that I like folk music, and while Jewel’s not the best artist in the genre I’ve heard, she does still have songs I can enjoy, this one most of all.

While all of her previous singles were reworked with different arrangements, vocals or other edits for radio release, this song retained its album format, and it’s easy to see why. This song stands out from Jewel’s earlier songs in one big way: it’s more upbeat and driving. The guitar and drums really pick up the song’s momentum when it gets to the chorus, and Jewel’s vocals have a lot more life to them.

With the subject matter and tone though, it still comes across as bittersweet. Jewel’s music, especially her early work, has always had kind of a depressing undertone to it, even her happy songs, and this shows in the lyrics to this song. It describes how Jewel feels that her love life and music career don’t appear to be moving forward. The imagery it provides adds to that, what with the scenery moving around her, descriptions of the mundane events in the town she feels like she’s drowning in, and noticing that the things she wants seem to be passing by her.

I don’t think it’s fair that this song has been swept under the rug. It’s easily one of Jewel’s best, and it’s unfortunate that it was the last hit she had before ‘Intuition’. While not necessarily a bad song, ‘Intuition’ did irreparable damage to Jewel’s career, and she’s not had a hit since. At least she still has her work from the ‘90s and ‘Standing Still’ to her name though.

#3.

I don’t condone studio hacks selling a deceased artist’s unreleased material. For the most part, it’s hard to see it as anything other than an attempt to make profit without regard to why the material was never released or the statement the artist might’ve been trying to make. Plus, the likelihood of it turning out good is slim, though not impossible.

#3. Thugz Mansion (Acoustic Version) (2Pac ft. Nas and J. Phoenix) [--; 19; 4 weeks]

Tupac Shakur life was ended too soon. The man was talented and we have yet to find another artist like him since. So, honestly, any material that he had to put out was a welcome contrast to most hip-hop that came out in the early 2000s. From what I’ve read, the acoustic version wasn’t the one that charted, but I’m still counting it because it’s the best version and it’s the one that got a music video made for it.

The reason this is the best version of the song is because of the acoustic guitar. It sets the tone for the song perfectly: somber, maybe even bleak, but still offering a hint of optimism without being too upbeat. And J. Phoenix’s chorus matches that well, presenting a hopeful image of a place where thugs are accepted when heaven turns them away.

Lyrically, this is one of the most spiritual songs Tupac ever wrote. He talks about the struggles he went through in life, which adds a layer of pathos to the song. Hearing him talk about being in that place and meeting other figures in African American history, such as Malcolm X, Billie Holiday and Jackie Wilson only adds to that. Nas’s verse, in contrast, mostly focuses on his own view of that place Tupac is describing as well as his own struggles, but it adds a nice point of contrast to both rappers’ views of the afterlife.

Maybe I’m reading too much into this. Maybe it was just another attempt by studio hacks to wring a little more money out of those that felt a connection to Tupac’s music. Even so, I’m glad that they at least thought hard enough to get one of the smarter rappers to also contribute to it. It’s one of the few songs I’m kind of glad was released after its artist died, since it kind of offered a bit of comfort to those close to him that, though he might be gone, he’s still in a better place now. Rest in peace, Tupac; you may be gone, but you are not forgotten.

#2.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best rap song of 2002, arguably even the best rap song of the 2000s:

#2. Lose Yourself (Eminem) [63; 1; 13 weeks]

I honestly don’t know where to begin with this song. I guess I could start by talking about the milestones it achieved. It was the theme song to the semi-autobiography film ‘8 Mile’, and was the first rap song to win the Academy Award for Best Original Song. It also won Eminem the Grammy awards for Best Rap Song and Best Rap Solo Performance in 2004. It was Eminem’s first song to reach #1 on Billboard, being certified five times platinum by the RIAA and is considered by critics to be his best song to date.

What about the song itself though? Well, lyrically it’s a song about seizing the moment, not letting the opportunity to achieve everything you always wanted pass by. It also describes the life of Jimmy “B-Rabbit” Smith, Eminem’s character in ‘8 Mile’, as well as Eminem’s own life, drawing parallels between the two. Eminem’s wordplay here is spot-on, with rhymes flowing into each other seamlessly and metaphors and symbolism used to great effect.

That just leaves the production, which was primarily handled by Eminem himself. It starts out driven by guitar, but as it progresses drum machines, a piano and other string instruments are incorporated. The piano and guitar are what truly carry this song’s melody, and they do so beautifully; that piano melody has become iconic.

With how much Eminem’s quality’s been fluctuating lately, it’s hard to remember the days when he would consistently make good music. Okay, ‘Recovery’ and ‘The Marshall Mathers LP 2’ were both good for the most part, but his delivery on those albums didn’t always match up with what people had come to expect from him. I guess that’s what makes me appreciate this song: it’s still genuinely aggressive while also delivering a positive message. Yet it was only #2. Want to know what I thought was better? Well…

#1.

There are many different facets of a person’s psyche pop music can pander to. Jock jams, dance tracks, there’s even music for moms to get into. Of course, since teenage girls are one of the largest demographics that listen to pop music, that tends to be the one that draws the most attention. Usually, this kind of music is pretty shallow and not exactly something for all audiences. That said the teenage girl in me could definitely appreciate something like this.

#1. All You Wanted (Michelle Branch) [23; 6; 21 weeks]

This song is dorky teen romance done well. Michelle Branch was around back in 2001, but her first hit single, ‘Everywhere’ didn’t really impress me. I can’t really place my finger on why, but I guess it’s just that the song didn’t really stick with me. ‘All You Wanted’ corrects the issues I had with that song and offers something more substantial.

Normally what turn me off to these kinds of songs are the lyrics. Even if the song is catchy, bad teen poetry is just not something I want to listen to. There’s a bit of that here on the surface, but the tone it’s delivered in presents at least a hint of self-awareness. The song knows it’s kind of lame and ridiculous, and it owns that. It isn’t acting like it’s saying something ground breaking or revolutionary; it’s not trying to be pretentious.

That leaves the production and instrumentation. John Shanks, who worked on this song and ‘Everywhere’, as well as two other songs off of Michelle Branch’s second album ‘The Spirit Room’, produced the song. Part of the reason I wasn’t big into that song was that it just wasn’t that catchy. ‘All You Wanted’ is, in contrast, a lot more memorable and Michelle Branch’s voice sounds a lot better with the extra bit of studio polish that brings the whole thing together.

People have presented the argument that 2002 was a good year for music. I’m not sure I’d entirely agree, but I feel more inclined to after hearing this song. You can keep your Justin Timberlakes and your Ashantis; this is the sound I was hoping to hear from pop music this year. ‘All You Wanted’ by Michelle Branch; not exactly everything I wanted, but still my choice for the best hit song of 2002.