Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 1993

Hello again folks. It’s been a while but we’re back in the early ‘90s. This particular year was a suggestion from one of my readers, and I can safely say this was at least an interesting year. Guns N’ Roses played their final gig with the original line up, Michael Jackson was charged with child molestation for the first time, Prince changed his name to an unpronounceable symbol, The Wu-Tang Clan and A Tribe Called Quest both released acclaimed albums, Rick Astley retired from music, and Tupac Shakur was arrested and charged with shooting two off-duty police officers.

What about the music itself though? Unfortunately, I feel like this year fell into kind of a dead zone in terms of early ‘90s music. Not a lot of fondly remembered songs came out this year, and while gangsta rap was just around the corner, pop rap wasn’t quite dead yet. Hair metal had its last few dying breaths and grunge was surprisingly sparse. Compared to previous years I’ve covered, the bad music from this time was certainly dumb, but there was more to it than just that; it also felt meaningless. The worst music from this time felt devoid of purpose or significance of any sort. In fact, if I weren’t about to list these songs below, chances are none of you would even remember most of them. But I’ve rambled on long enough; it’s time we actually got into those songs, starting with our dishonorable mentions:

Mr. Wendal (Arrested Development) [31; 6; 20 weeks]

Sometimes it’s nice to acknowledge that the homeless are people too and deserve the same level of respect and dignity as anyone else. That said, I still wouldn’t want to be homeless myself. Yet this song seems to glorify the idea of living on the street, claiming that it makes one wiser and that one’s only concerns are illness and police harassment. There are other problems though, such as lack of personal security, inability to maintain hygiene, reduced access to health and dental care, limited access to education and difficulty with finding gainful employment, just to name a few. It sucks that the homeless go through issues like these, but that doesn’t mean you should be in a rush to join them.

Said I Loved You…But I Lied (Michael Bolton) [--; 9; 8 weeks]

Really Bolton? So, you say what you feel for this person is so strong it is no longer considered love but something “more than love”? Okay then genius, why is it that you describe this feeling with all the typical clichés people have come to associate with the concept of love? Saying that what you feel is more than another feeling doesn’t make you seem like a better person; it’s just stupid! You’re stupid!

Gangsta Lean (DRS) [--; 4; 10 weeks]

Here’s a fun drinking game: every time you hear someone say the word “homie” or “homies” in this song, take a shot. Also, apparently the “gangsta lean” is a reference to lying in a coffin, which is kind of a ridiculous way to describe it. Even if you wanted to write a song dedicated to fallen comrades, don’t you think you should write one that’s good? This song was to 1993 what ‘See You Again’ was to 2015: a sloppy, poorly executed song meant as a tribute to a deceased friend that supposedly comes from someplace real, but can’t seem to express it in a sincere manner.

What’s Up Doc? (Can We Rock) (Fu-Schnickens & Shaquille O’Neal)

Shaquille O’Neal is not a rapper. Also, what’s with all the children’s show and film references? Looney Tunes? Batman? Mary Poppins? Making references to those in addition to the adult language just makes you sound childish. Unless that’s what you were going for, which it doesn’t sound like it was, I can’t say I’m impressed.

Forever in Love (Kenny G) [73; 18; 13 weeks]

Kenny G is boring as hell. That’s pretty much all I have to say on this.

Right then; let’s get insane in the membrane as we count down…

…THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF 1993!

#10.

2014 was the year of butts for me. The excess of butts I experienced that year was so inescapable that they became a serious turn-off for me. When the year ended and the booty-pocalypse came to a close, I thought I was finally free. Sadly, it seems insistent on following me.

#10. Dazzey Duks (Duice) [16; 12; 26 weeks]

While I recognize that ‘Baby Got Back’ is an integral part of human culture at this point, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive Sir Mix-a-lot for popularizing the booty anthem. Pretty much every single one since has tried to accomplish what that song did. Yet none of them work because they forget that, while ‘Baby Got Back’ is about butts, it’s framed as an empowerment anthem in a sense.

This booty jam only has one thing going for it: it’s focusing on the butt in relation to a specific type of fashion. The title is a misspelling of the name of a type of short shorts worn by the character Daisy Duke from ‘The Dukes of Hazzard’. Other than that, the song’s lyrics are nonsense, just obnoxious non-punch lines and phrases about objectifying women. Not really helping matters are the rappers’ flow. They both recite lines with this herky-jerky rhythm that emphasizes all the wrong syllables.

Production wise, the song does nothing to stand out. Ignoring the ass references, it’s just another generic pop rap song. The early ‘90s were full of songs like this, though most of them were supposed to teach you a ridiculous dance to do with the song. Even ‘Whoop! (There It Is)’ offered the listener a quotable line to recite. ‘Dazzey Duks’ doesn’t even offer that much since the lyrics are practically incomprehensible.

Duice, the duo that recorded this asinine piece of tripe, didn’t have any further success as a group. They released two albums, the first one becoming a hit and the second selling less than a thousand copies. One of the pair, L.A. Sno, did help produce and co-write songs for other artists, but chances are you haven’t heard any of them. In other words, these two were flashes in the pan that had no talent and didn’t warrant the success they got.

#9.

House music may have run its course by 1995, but it was still fairly big in 1993. One of the most well remembered hits to come from this genre was from a singer named Haddaway, who had his biggest hit this year with ‘What Is Love’, which is a glorious song. On a more relevant note, here’s Robin S. with ‘Show Me Love’.

#9. Show Me Love (Robin S.) [17; 5; 22 weeks]

Now, for those of you not familiar with ‘90s music, you’re likely thinking, “I’ve never heard this song before and have no idea what you’re talking about”. Actually, chances are you have heard this song before. You remember the Kid Ink song ‘Show Me’ from back in 2014? How about Jason Derulo’s ‘Don’t Wanna Go Home’ from 2011? That’s right, both of these songs sampled the melody from this one. Right out the gate this is a bad sign, considering ‘Don’t Wanna Go Home’ was the worst song to chart in 2011 and I’ll likely cover ‘Show Me’ when I get to 2014.

In terms of melody, I guess I could kind of understand why someone would like this song, but it does nothing for me besides make my skin crawl. The melody is just this glossy, ugly thing that repeats this one kind of bubbly sounding loop until your brain melts. The song this one reminds me the most of is ‘Temptation’ by Korina, in that it’s supposed to be a fun dance song, but instead sounds like something from a horror film.

If the lyrics matched this tone maybe I’d be able to buy it. The thing is, the song’s about how the narrator wants the listener to show her how much they love her, because she’s been burned by love so many times and wants to get it right this time. A premise like this isn’t bad so long as it’s executed well. Unfortunately, Robin S. just doesn’t have the confidence and dominance to pull off this persona; she comes across as too desperate to be believable. She doesn’t seem to stay focused on what attitude she’s trying to convey either.

Like the previous act, Robin S. only released two albums, with her second album not seeing nearly as much success as her first. However, she’s apparently still performing to this day, so I guess she’s doing all right for herself. Still though, if you ask me, you’re better off checking out the other song named ‘Show Me Love’ by Robyn that came out three years later, and showing no further love for this.

#8.

Now here’s a genre I’ve yet to touch base with: cod reggae. It’s a British term that can roughly be translated to mean “false reggae”, and is basically that: reggae made by people that don’t understand the roots or inspirations behind the genre. The people that usually perform this tend to be white and the music tends to be stiff and lifeless, though it’s not always bad. People are probably expecting to see the Snow song ‘Informer’ on this list now that I’ve mentioned this genre, but I honestly didn’t have that much issue with it. It wasn’t anything special, but it was harmless. Fight the real enemy folks.

#8. (I Can’t Help) Falling in Love with You (UB40) [3; 1; 23 weeks]

While UB40 were incredibly successful in their native UK, in America they’re mostly known for their covers. That baffles me because all of their covers are terrible. In fact, all of their songs are terrible. They’re a reggae band in the same sense that Vanilla Ice is a rapper. This particular song is especially awful when you consider the artist they’re covering.

The original song had this soft, gentle instrumentation that didn’t overpower Elvis’s vocal performance. It matched the tone of the song and had life to it. UB40’s version sounds no different from any other song they perform; it’s limp and soggy, like an old sponge. It completely clashes with the mood of the song; it’s aiming to be light and bouncy, and it can’t even pull that off.

That brings us to front man Ali Campbell. Elvis’s performance was soulful and earnest. He packed so much more tangled emotion into his performance than Campbell could even hope to realize exists. Instead, he sounds like he was singing simultaneously through his nose and from the very front of his mouth, which just sounds ugly and lacking any kind of romantic appeal whatsoever.

If the Police were reggae influenced music done right, UB40 are what it’s like when it’s done completely and utterly wrong. Their lead singer can’t sing, the band performs music that even stoners couldn’t get into, and they take dumps on classic songs. “I can’t help falling in love with you,” huh Campbell? Well I can’t help hating you, your band or particularly this song.  

#7.

Seriously Disney, what in the name of all that is kid friendly were you thinking?

#7. A Whole New World (Peabo Bryson and Regina Belle) [18; 1; 18 weeks]

I understand that animated films weren’t considered things to be taken seriously back in the ‘90s, and Disney needed to have contemporary artists cover songs from them in order to get Oscars or Grammys. You do what you’ve got to do. What I don’t understand is why said covers needed to suck so much. It doesn’t help matters that the artists they keep picking for these covers just aren’t very good.

To begin with, there’s the instrumentation. This is the absolute wrong sound for a song like this. The original version had this light, colorful musical score that included flutes, strings and brass instruments. It truly felt like the listener was soaring along with the lead characters on their magic carpet ride. This cover version just sounds bland and dull. There’s no magic here; it’s driven primarily by an electric piano, and it just feels too heavy to be any fun.

That brings us to the two singers. Say what you want about Disney movies’ lead protagonists during this time period, but they had gorgeous singing voices. Brad Kane and Lea Salonga were a great match for this song; they truly sound like two people falling in love. Meanwhile, this cover has Peabo Bryson and Regina Belle, who aren’t necessarily bad singers per se, but you can tell listening to them that the song’s being sung by celebrities. It doesn’t sound romantic or enchanting; it just sounds like two people singing a generic pop song for the sake of getting a hit out of it.

I don’t think Disney songs performed by popular bands or artists are inherently bad; they can be good. Idina Menzel’s ‘Let It Go’, Fall Out Boy’s ‘Immortals’ and Shakira’s ‘Try Everything’ are examples of how these can be done well, but this? It’s the purest and most transparent attempt at Oscar and Grammy bait. It’s not the worst example of such, though I might just get to that someday. For now, let me just say this is one “whole new world” that was probably best left unvisited.

#6.

I’m probably going to get a lot of flack for this one. I know people like this song, and there’s nothing wrong with that. As for me personally, I just think it’s awful.

#6. Two Princes (Spin Doctors) [28; 7; 22 weeks]

One of the big movements that came to mainstream prominence in the early ‘90s was alternative rock. With the breakthrough of Nirvana and the rising popularity of grunge and Britpop, studio executives started to see the commercial viability of alternative rock, especially with the success of bands like R.E.M. Somewhere mixed in with the other bands of this mold is where you’ll find Spin Doctors, who had their two hits around this time: this song and ‘Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong’ from the year before.

One of the main descriptions of alternative rock is that it’s guitars first and foremost, and that the lyrics focus on social issues like drug use, depression, suicide and environmentalism. So, you’d think that a song from this genre would have more thought and effort put into it. ‘Two Princes’, meanwhile, is this zero-calorie nothing of a song that sounds like it was written in five minutes. Seriously, some of these lyrical choices feel like they were the first things the writer could think of to fill up space in the song, especially the chorus:

Said if you want to call me baby

Just go ahead now

And if you like to tell me maybe

Just go ahead now

And if you wanted to buy me flowers

Just go ahead now

And if you like to talk for hours

Just go ahead now

Noticing a pattern here?

That said, what do these nonsensical lyrics mean when you focus on the whole? Well, the narrator is broke, doesn’t have a future or family to his name and he’s competing for this girl’s hand against a wealthy man with “diamonds in his pockets” and a “Big Seal upon his jacket”. Her father will approve her if she marries the wealthy man, but disown her if she marries the narrator. Not exactly selling yourself very well here, are you dude?

Also, there’s little to indicate he actually does love this girl; the chorus is all about the things he thinks she would want to do for him, not the other way around. He says he wants to buy her rockets and that he knows what a prince and lover ought to be, but those feel less like statements of affection, and more like desperate nothings he’s spouting to win her over because that’s all he’s got.

More than anything, the song this one reminds me of is ‘Rude’ by MAGIC!, in that it claims to be a song about love, but has undercurrents that make it feel a lot less appealing. In ‘Two Princes’s case, the narrator just sounds like an arrogant jerk who thinks he can win this girl over with outrageous claims that he can’t back up. Normally I can enjoy stories where the underdog succeeds and love conquers all, but what am I supposed to like about this guy? In other words, no dude; I don’t want to call you “baby”, I don’t want to tell you “maybe”, I don’t want to buy you flowers, and if I were to talk for hours, it would be about anything other than you.

#5.

Besides ‘Summer of ‘69’, would someone please tell me why we kept Bryan Adams around in the ‘90s?  

#5. Please Forgive Me (Bryan Adams) [--; 7; 9 weeks]

I feel like it’s kind of hilarious that this song is so terrible that even its title feels the need to apologize for its existence. Bryan Adams had two hits around this time. The other one ‘All For Love’ almost got consideration for this list, but between the two I think ‘Please Forgive Me’ is far worse.

First of all, there’s the song’s lifeless melody. I realize it’s trying to have a serious tone, but there’s a difference between being somber and being crap, and ‘Please Forgive Me’ falls ass first into the latter. It really says something about how poorly structured a song is that the chorus is the weakest part of the song. Even a key change near the end of the song wasn’t enough to salvage it.

That just leaves the lyrics and subject matter, which are somehow worse. I’ll cut to the chase: it’s a song about sex. That’s right, Mr. ‘(Everything I Do) I Do It For You’ wants to sing about sex now. See, Bryan Adams wants you to forgive him if he bangs you too hard, because he just can’t help loving you. I realize not everyone likes it rough, but even if this woman doesn’t, is this honestly the apology you think will make up for that? “I’m sorry for riding you so hard honey. I didn’t know what I was doing, so don’t deny me the pain I’m going through. I just love you too much is all.” Oh yeah, such a charmer, that one.

I seriously didn’t need a song that gave me the mental image of Bryan Adams’s “Oh” face. Even if you’re a fan, I can’t imagine what you could possibly get out of this song aside from an apology that it exists. People say that Canada’s apology for him wasn’t enough, but really we should be focusing our rage at the man himself. Bryan Adams, your apology wasn’t good enough!

#4.

Something I’ve noticed about bad music from this year was that the artists in question didn’t tend to see much further success after this point. This could be because they only became popular because they rode on trends of the time, or because the music they made happened to be in vogue. In some cases, I think the more likely reason was that people were quick to catch on that these artists just plain sucked.

#4. I Got a Man (Positive K) [63; 14; 14 weeks]

Positive K started out contributing to a hip-hop showcase album called ‘Fast Money’ for the smaller, independent label Star Maker in 1986. After that, he made appearances on a few underground compilations, including releasing a duet with MC Lyte called ‘I’m Not Havin’ It’. However, it was ‘I Got a Man’ that propelled him into the public eye. I can’t understand why though, since it was not only basically a carbon copy of ‘I’m Not Havin’ It’, but also complete crap.

The “plot” of the song, if you will, is that Positive K is hitting on a woman but being repeatedly rejected because she has a man already. Despite this, he continues to pester her, rejects her offer to just be friends and even states that he isn’t interested in a committed relationship, but would prefer one of physical pleasures. Dude, take a hint: she’s not interested, she’s already taken and all you’re doing is making yourself seem like a creep and an idiot for not understanding that “no” means “no”.

Of course, considering the fact that he voices both parties in the song, this would suggest that there’s a hint of self-awareness on display. That can safely be dismissed though, once you consider that the voice that represents himself seriously thinks he’s hot stuff, and ultimately has the last say at the end. Positive K just doesn’t seem like he knows how to make that kind of social commentary, and as I pointed out, he’s done this before.

This was Positive K’s only hit song, and none of the rest of his material ever achieved the same success. He released his second album back in 2008, and a collaboration album with Greg Nice earlier this year. The former was apparently made up of songs between 1986 and 1997 that he never released, and I can’t find anything on the latter. After listening to this though, I can’t say I care to either. 

#3.

Back when I posted my ‘worst of 1991’ list, there was one artist I briefly discussed but who barely missed the list proper: Tevin Campbell. I realize that people like the kid, but his first solo single ‘Round and Round’ did nothing for me. It showcased some less-than-stellar production from Prince and Tevin himself was fifteen and sounded how one would expect a fifteen-year-old Michael Jackson wannabe would sound. It might’ve qualified, but I ultimately felt like it merely showcased that he had the potential to make awful music. I can safely say that, by 1993, he achieved it.

#3. Can We Talk (Tevin Campbell) [--; 10; 11 weeks]

I’m not entirely sure I have coherent criticism of this song. I realize that people that are nostalgic for early ‘90s R&B and soul will doubtlessly disagree with this choice. That said, within the first few seconds of hearing this song I knew I completely, utterly hated it.

I guess I can start with the lyrics and subject matter. It’s a song about a guy that likes a girl but is too shy to tell her. He keeps telling himself he’ll eventually ask for her name, though he never does. This would seem like a cute little idea for a song, until you get to the end of the song and his requests start to get a bit more forceful. He’s not asking for her name anymore; he’s demanding it at that point. That’s more than a little concerning; if I were this girl I wouldn’t want to give my name out to someone like that either. It’s not quite as bad as Lionel Richie’s ‘Hello’, but there are still reflections of it in there.

Of course, the biggest problem I have with this song is Tevin Campbell’s singing. Every single note he sings is just this awkward, nasal whine. He sounds like a dying cat! Say what you will about Lionel Richie; at least he sounded like a human being! I know I shouldn’t be giving this kid so much flack; he was seventeen at the time this song came out, and to be fair he has developed some bass in his voice now that he’s older. Still though, his singing is still reedy as ever and he’s now transitioned from being a Michael Jackson wannabe to an Usher wannabe. Because we didn’t have enough of those now, did we?

I just don’t understand why we needed Tevin Campbell around. There’s nothing noteworthy about him that we weren’t getting from other people. His negative qualities only serve to accent how little he contributes to the pop music world. Also, he hasn’t had a hit since 1994 and even some of his fans didn’t like his later material. What purpose does he serve? None. Moving along!

#2.

One of the trends I noticed about 1993 was the rise in people trying to copy the formula of Boyz II Men. This seemed to make sense; the band was growing in popularity, and would only get bigger from here. The problem is that the bands that tried their hand at their style tended to be crap, and this is by far the worst example of such.

#2. Comforter (Shai) [48; 10; 20 weeks]

I was never a Boyz II Men fan, but I will admit that their early material demonstrated that they had talent, and with time it would blossom into quality music, like in 1995 with ‘One Sweet Day’. The same could certainly not be said of their imitators, particularly of this band, Shai. They had their only hits between 1992 and 1994, and all of them are bad, but this might be the worst of all.

Let’s start by focusing on the singers. These have to be some of the most boring, formulaic harmonies I’ve heard from a song this year. There’s no passion in these guys’ voices at all; they sound checked out. Even the ad-libbed portions don’t sound like they put any effort into them!

Of course, the singing is just the tip of the iceberg; the real problem with this song is the subject matter and lyrics. See, according to the boys in Shai, your man treats you badly, and they can treat you better. I dare say they sound like such nice guys! I shouldn’t even need to go into detail about this; we all know that “nice guys” are the gutless losers that don’t seem to realize they’re just as big assholes as the jocks they hate. They seem to think that girls only date jerks, and that they can treat them like gentlemen. Look, even if the girl isn’t happy with this current relationship, that doesn’t mean she wants to hook up with you instead.

I think it’s interesting to note that the bad music from this year seemed to reflect the bad music we’re getting nowadays. 1993 had ‘Gangsta Lean’ instead of ‘See You Again’, ‘Two Princes’ instead of ‘Rude’, ‘Dazzey Duks’ instead of any booty song from 2014 and now this song instead of Shawn Mendes’s ‘Treat You Better’. We already had all these terrible songs before! Why are they suddenly spawning again now? Still, there was one song worse than this.

#1.

I’m sure people are tired of hearing me say this by now, especially given some of the worst picks for my previous lists. Still, this needs to be an honest list, and I do think this next song is awful, a very familiar kind of awful. Yes folks, once again we’re dealing with a comedy song that isn’t funny, and it pains me that it had to come from metal.

#1. Three Little Pigs (Green Jellÿ) [93; 17; 12 weeks]

See, I’d like to think I have an open mind. I don’t know of any examples of metal demonstrating forms of comedy, but I would be willing to hear people present examples of such. I can safely say that this is not one of them. It’s not even like Green Jellÿ were a great band to begin with; by their own admission, they suck.

First, let’s start with the vocals and instrumentation. The vocals are provided by the band’s lead vocalist Bill Manspeaker, as well as Maynard James Keenan, who would go on to be the lead vocalist for the band Tool, Les Claypool, bassist and lead vocalist of Primus, and Pauly Shore, who’s built an entire career out of not being funny. The performances they give are annoying and painful. Manspeaker sounds like he’s being castrated and the others sound like either they’re regressing back to kindergarten or they’re adults who flunked out of kindergarten.

That leaves the lyrics, which are a retelling of the story of ‘The Three Little Pigs’. In this version, one of the pigs is a pot-smoking religious speaker, another graduated from Harvard, and the wolf rides a Harley and is killed by Rambo at the end of the song. Here’s a game for you to play: find the moment where any of this is supposed to be funny. You’ll be looking a long time, because there is none. The additions to the story don’t add to it and they certainly don’t provide any comedy for the listener to laugh at.

Then you get to the end of the song, and it closes on this line: “And the moral of the story is a band with no talent can easily amuse idiots with a stupid puppet show”. That’s right, this song relies entirely on the poor-quality claymation video for its moral to make any sense. First of all, you’re basically saying that you have no talent and anyone that finds this song funny is an idiot. Some of the people in this song clearly had talent; they went on to join much better bands! Furthermore, admitting that you made something terrible doesn’t excuse you from having done so. If anything, this makes it worse, because you’ve admitted that you know what you created was crap and did nothing to fix it! Nice save, douche bag!

Green Jellÿ just weren’t a funny band; the only thing they had going for them was their live performances. Even with those, they didn’t serve any purpose. When the KLF did their ridiculous antics, they were at least presenting an artistic statement, something this band didn’t have. They didn’t use their self-awareness to any ends other than to present no indication that they gave a crap about their music or audience. ‘Three Little Pigs’ by Green Jellÿ: my pick for the worst hit song of 1993.