Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2002

Hello again folks. Well, we’re back in the early 2000s. I was dreading getting back to this period, considering how unpleasant my last venture here was, but here we are anyway. I’ll at least say this much: 2002 was not as bad as 2001. Where 2001 was mostly a year peppered with stupidity, 2002 tried to be a little smarter.

But how does this year stand on its own? Well, I’m not going to say this was a great year, but it certainly saw some milestones. Justin Timberlake broke off from ‘NSYNC; Eminem released one of his best albums; Hikaru Utada and Queens of the Stone Age both released new albums; Kelly Clarkson was crowned the first winner of American Idol; Run-D.M.C. and Salt-n-Pepa disbanded and Fergie joined the Black Eyed Peas, just to name a few. I wouldn’t call this year unmemorable, uninteresting or even boring.

That said there were still points where it felt like it could’ve been better. The US was still recovering from the 9/11 attacks, and the music that came out definitely reflected that, especially in the earlier portion of the year. People were in shock over how something like that could happen, and quite a bit of the music seemed to be trying to offer some kind of clarity. That didn’t make it good, but it at least made it feel more important. And we’re going to be digging into quite a bit of it shortly, starting with our dishonorable mentions:

Dontchange (Musiq Soulchild) [--; 17; 13 weeks]

Hello again Musiq Soulchild; it’s been a while. This song is at least better than ‘Love’, in that it’s less boring. That said, there are still some lyrical choices that baffle me, such as claiming he’ll still love this woman even if her hair turns gray or when she gains weight. I don’t think those are things you want to introduce as possibilities to a woman dude. Also “The way I feel for you will always be the same/Just as long as your love don’t change”? So, you’ll stop loving her if her love for you changes? How would it change? Are you scared that she’ll ask you to move past first base? This song just feels too tame to be taken seriously. Moving along!

Ordinary Day (Vanessa Carlton) [--; 30; 8 weeks]

I didn’t mind Vanessa Carlton’s first hit song, ‘A Thousand Miles’ all that much. It was nothing special, but I thought it was okay. This song, on the other hand, not only proved that she was a one-trick pony, but also that she might not even be that good at her one trick. While the lyrics on ‘A Thousand Miles’ were at least passable, they reach into truly hollow teenage pretentiousness here. I can sum up this song in four words: “I like this boy”. The end. Next!

A Woman’s Worth (Alicia Keys) [51; 7; 11 weeks]

Speaking of one-trick ponies and neo-soul artists, Alicia Keys gives us a little of both. This song sounds eerily similar to her previous single. I wasn’t a fan of ‘Fallin’’ to begin with, but at least it had power behind it with the harmonies. ‘A Woman’s Worth’ just feels so much weaker by comparison. Also, while the lyrics for ‘Fallin’’ weren’t much to write home about, they’re somehow worse here. Whatever; no one remembers this song, so let’s just continue.

 Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning) (Alan Jackson) [98; 28; 7 weeks]

I don’t think this song is necessarily that bad. However, it was the song that started the trend of slow, mediocre country ballads that crowded the pop charts this year. So, all those country songs you got sick of hearing on the radio back in 2002? You can blame them on this song. Also, I feel a bit annoyed that Alan Jackson decided to write a song capitalizing on the tragedy of the 9/11 attacks. I’m sure there was a real message of support and emotion in there somewhere, but I feel like it was lost once this song became a hit.

What If She’s an Angel (Tommy Shane Steiner) [--; 39; 3 weeks]

This was the worst country song to chart this year and definitely would’ve made the list if it had qualified. Preachy, moral guilt tripping like this just pisses me off! “Oh, you should be willing to give money to the homeless and protect a woman from her abusive husband because…they might be angels sent from heaven to test your worth.” You know Steiner, not all of us are competing for the Miss America pageant in our heads. Yes, you should give to the poor and offer help to those who need it if you can. But doing it for selfish reasons like that undermines the fact that those are just nice things you should be doing regardless of if you get rewarded for it or not. Screw this!

Now then, let’s wash our hands clean of this as we count down…

…THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF 2002!

#10.

Between the hip-hop, country and rock music that dominated the charts this year, it’s easy to overlook that R&B still had some presence in the top 40 as well. This was mostly due to the rising success of Usher, who had yet to truly cement himself as the king of R&B as of yet. There were still other R&B singers out there though, such as the mid-to-late ‘90s performer Brandy, who would be seeing her final top 10 hit this year. It’s a bit of a shame that it wasn’t very good.

#10. What About Us? (Brandy) [65; 7; 11 weeks]

Honestly though, it’s not like Brandy’s a particularly noteworthy artist. She has a pretty voice, yes, but that has always been hampered by her complete lack of personality. She’s been compared to Whitney Houston and Janet Jackson, but she lacks the positive or even memorable qualities that made them stand out.

In her defense, Brandy isn’t entirely to blame for this song being as bad as it is. Part of that can also be attributed to the production, which is just messy and unpleasant to listen to. It sounds like someone was recording next to a copy machine while it was being used. There’s too much going on and it grates on my nerves when I listen to it.

What about Brandy herself? Unfortunately, she seems about as unfocused as the production. The lyrics jump all over the place, starting with Brandy complaining about not getting enough attention from her man, then telling him to just leave, then asking about all the things they did together, then calling him a liar and a phony, then complaining that she’s the one holding things together. Pick a thing to base your song around and stick with it! Are you mad that he wasn’t giving you attention, that he lied to you or that he didn’t contribute to the life you two had? Even Beyoncé was smart enough to divide the different reasons she’s mad at a guy up between different songs!

Sadly, Brandy hasn’t gotten much better as a performer since this song. In fact, I’d argue she’s gotten worse, releasing songs that basically copy this one’s production style and collaborating with the likes of Chris Brown. If there’s any consolation, it’s that she hasn’t had another top 40 hit since 2008. Let’s hope it stays that way.

#9.

Well, with the number of mediocre country ballads that charted this year, it was inevitable that at least one of them would make it on here.

#9. The Impossible (Joe Nichols) [--; 29; 6 weeks]

Remember how I said country music was one of the few genres I could tolerate in 2001? Well, the genre just became insufferable in 2002. Most country songs didn’t chart long or high, but they were right on the edges of the top 40, just popular enough to be inescapable. There were worse country songs that came out this year, but this was the worst of the ones that were true hits, and even it barely qualified.

There’s not much to say about Joe Nichols as a performer. His voice doesn’t carry any kind of authority to it that demands you listen to it and it doesn’t have the youthful energy to make a song fun. He doesn’t even have a unique singing style to stand out from all the other country artists of the time; he’s boring!

This song in particular is especially stupid because the entire idea of the song is that nothing is impossible. To give examples, he mentions how his dad, who he’d never seen cry, did so at the death of his grandfather, and how his friend broke his legs and they said he’d never walk again, but he managed to stand during graduation. Then he caps it all off by saying that his relationship with his love isn’t over and they can’t give up. So that’s what all this dramatic crap was about the whole time! Gag me.

It doesn’t help that Joe Nichols is more known for releasing songs like ‘Brokenheartsville’ or ‘Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off’. You know, some of the most “bro country” songs of their time. So, not only is writing about subjects that are supposed to be deep not exactly what he’s known for, but it turns out he also sucks at doing so. Hey Joe Nichols, you learned to not underestimate the impossible, right? Well, here’s an impossible task for you to challenge: stop being such a sleaze ball!

#8.

So, what does the term “butt rock” bring to mind for people? Most seem to associate it with the fuzzy, sludgy sound and whiny vocals that have come to be viewed as integral to things like post-grunge or rap metal. However, there are other bands besides Nickelback, Creed and Limp Bizkit that would fall under this umbrella term. Even less successful bands are not immune to the label.

#8. Wherever You Will Go (The Calling) [5; 5; 36 weeks]

The Calling was an alternative rock band from Los Angeles formed by front man Alex Band and lead guitarist Aaron Kamin, when the latter was dating the former’s sister. They originally gigged under the name ‘Generation Gap’ with a drummer twice their age and a saxophonist. They eventually dropped these two and briefly switched their name to ‘Next Door’. As Band’s voice finished developing, the pair eventually focused more on songwriting and repeatedly left demos and song ideas in the mailbox of Band’s neighbor, veteran music business executive Ron Fair. Eventually, probably because he felt sorry for them, Fair signed them a record deal with RCA, at which point the band changed their name to ‘The Calling’. 

This song was their first single and only hit, and it’s not hard to see why. It sounds no different than anything else one would hear on the radio at the time; it’s so inoffensive and unthreatening that of course it’s going to become popular. I feel like this song was solely written as an ad jingle for various serious TV show dramas or cars; there certainly doesn’t sound like anything real or genuine here.

Ignoring the fact that it sounds like the soundtrack for a commercial, I still can’t get behind this song. Part of that is because of Alex Band’s voice. First of all, what’s with the fake accent he uses all throughout the song? Is it supposed to be set in England or something? On top of that, his vocals sound like those of an annoying brat who just got dumped. The tone of the song seems to match that too, what with the melodramatic lyric choices and the overly serious sound the band’s going for. It’s honestly too ridiculous for me to buy into.

The Calling disbanded in 2005 after their second album went nowhere. Alex Band tried to reform the band with a new lineup in 2013, but they never recorded any new material and didn’t even last a year before disbanding again. I guess the world of commercial tunes just didn’t have a place for them anymore. Now we have acts like Charlie Puth and X Ambassadors to take their place. God, has pop music gone downhill since 2002…

#7.

While the music from 2002 was better than that of 2001, that didn’t necessarily mean the artists were. In some cases, we were stuck with more of the same.

#7. Down Ass Bitch (Ja Rule ft. Charli “Chuck” Baltimore) [--; 21; 9 weeks]

If there’s anything good to have come from 50 Cent, it’s that he helped destroy Ja Rule’s career. It’s kind of sad if you think about it. Most of the other record labels at the time had the big name rappers that everyone knew and were into like 50 Cent or Eminem. Meanwhile, Murder Inc. had Ja Rule. 

If there’s anything sadder than that, it’s this song because it’s probably one of Ja Rule’s better songs. The production is probably its only saving grace. Irv Gotti, founder of Murder Inc. and producer on other Ja Rule songs, handled the instrumentation and composition here, and he does a much better job setting up a smooth, sexy atmosphere than the lead rapper could ever hope to.

Unfortunately, Ja Rule hampers that atmosphere with poor lyrical choices and weak flow. So, I guess the song’s message is that every thug needs a woman who would be willing to screw, kill and die for them? Not to mention, Ja Rule continues his approach of groaning out lyrics like he has bronchitis. Also, while I was never a Charli Baltimore fan, it feels like she’s not really given much to do here; it’s outside of her wheelhouse.

Irv Gotti released a remix of this song that’s surprisingly better, probably because they got a real singer on the track. That doesn’t make up for this disaster of a song though; anything with Ja Rule on it is beyond salvaging if you ask me. Ja Rule, you might have a lady to lie for you, die for you or even kill for you, but you know what you don’t have anymore? A rap career.

#6.

#6. My Sacrifice (Creed) [20; 4; 19 weeks]

AND…

#5. One Last Breath (Creed) [27; 6; 23 weeks]

Yeah, I’m sure this big reveal has surprised precisely no one. Look, I’m sure Creed’s live performances are fine, but those aren’t what I’m reviewing. What I’m reviewing are the songs as they were released on the radio, with studio polish and everything. In that regard, their music is awful. It also doesn’t help that these songs were off of the band’s worst album.

‘My Sacrifice’ is the less awful between the two, but not by much. Most of my readers might recall me naming this song as a dishonorable mention on my worst of 2001 list, so I guess the fact that it placed on the list proper for this year should be an indication of how much better 2002 was compared to 2001. The lyrics are still pretentious as hell, and even ignoring that they make no sense. Why the hell would you consider meeting with a long-lost friend a sacrifice? What’s being given up for this reunion? You just don’t feel like elaborating on that, do you? On top of that, Scott Stapp sounds like he’s passing a kidney stone.

Say what you want about ‘My Sacrifice’ though; at least it’s upbeat and almost sounds happy. The same can most definitely not be said of ‘One Last Breath’, which sounds like a funeral dirge. It’s one of those songs where you put it on, zone out and completely forget you’re listening to it. Also, the song’s so formulaic it uses the four chords of pop and demonstrates no shame about hammering that into you. It wastes the talent of the people involved, and again, Scott Stapp is his usual awful self.

I just don’t get what the appeal of Creed was supposed to be. As far as I can tell, they were the world’s warm-up to Nickelback. They ended up disbanding in 2004 because of tensions between members of the band. They briefly reformed in 2009 before relationship issues caused them to break up again. Stapp was apparently still convinced that they could work together again despite their differences, though considering how sour things have gotten between them, I’m not sure reforming again is going to happen anytime soon. Even if it did, does anyone seriously want that? No they don’t. Moving on!

#4.

Speaking of artists who were just warm-ups for other acts…

#4. Just a Friend 2002 (Mario) [34; 4; 15 weeks]

To those that consider Chris Brown the original Usher wannabe, I commend you for being able to forget that this little puke stain exists. Allow me to now spoil your innocence anew by reintroducing you to Mario. No, not that Mario, though trust me, you’ll be wishing for Bowser to shoot fireballs at him by the time we’re done here.

The song this one blatantly steals from is ‘Just a Friend’ by Biz Markie from 1989, during the golden age of hip hop. That song told a cautionary tale of a guy who fell for a girl who goes on to cheat on him. It told a cohesive story that worked for what it was, and despite not being able to sing, Biz Markie’s vocals on this song have become iconic.

Now, how best to completely tarnish this important piece of popular culture? Well, let’s start by recontextualizing the song to be from the perspective of an obnoxious creep that’s butthurt over being friend-zoned. Then, let’s make sure we hand it off to a guy with no personality or charisma, who has the voice of a whiny teenager. Finally, let’s give it this hip, ghetto production makeover to complete the song’s transformation into a disposable piece of garbage.

I have no reason to believe that any artistic thought went into this. As for Mario, he barely had a few other hits besides this. I wouldn’t recommend any of them; this was his high point, believe it or not. I’m not sure if I should be grateful or mortified that Chris Brown came along and rendered him obsolete, but as far as I can tell none of the other Usher wannabes were worth mention either. We already had Usher; we didn’t need more of him.

#3.

None of Madonna’s music after 1999 is worth listening to. None of it.

#3. Die Another Day (Madonna) [--; 8; 10 weeks]

After the release of the previous Bond single, ‘The World is Not Enough’ by Garbage, MGM decided they wanted a high-profile artist to perform the theme to the next film. Naturally, rather than a younger, more relevant artist who wasn’t past their prime, they went with Madonna. I never watched the films, so I’m not sure what would be considered the series’ most iconic theme, but I’m guessing it wouldn’t be this one.

As far as the production is concerned, this song is a mess. The instrumentation jumps back and forth between an orchestral sound and an electroclash dance number. There are no elements to connect the two outside of Madonna’s vocals, which are given this annoying stuttered editing effect and so much autotune that T-Pain would say she’s overdoing it.

That leaves the lyrics, which are somehow even worse. Madonna stated that she adapted the song to the theme of the film, which she described as a metaphor for “destroying one’s ego”. The only connection I see to that in the song is Madonna using that statement pretty much word for word in one line of the second verse. I’d talk about the chorus, but I’m not sure the song even has a chorus. All you get are variations of Madonna repeating the phrase “I guess I’ll die another day”, with some stuttered, some not and one ending with her just saying “Sigmund Freud/Analyze this”.

If Madonna had stopped singing after this song, it would likely be her worst. Now that a decade has come and gone and she’s released more music with increasing levels of embarrassment, it probably wouldn’t even make her bottom five. Still, since I likely won’t be getting to talk about her more recent singles, I’ll settle with this for now.

#2.

Remember when I said I didn’t have anything against religious music? Well, I’m starting to think maybe I do, at least subconsciously, because I keep putting songs that are about religion or are by Christian artists on these lists. It’s not because of the themes they bring up, usually. It’s generally because the songs in question just suck.

#2. Youth of the Nation (P.O.D.) [--; 28; 7 weeks]

If there were anything more embarrassing than listening to Christian rock, it would probably be listening to Christian rap. What would probably be even more humiliating still would likely be Christian rap metal. The likes of Limp Bizkit already paint the genre of regular rap metal as being whiny and obnoxious, but adding religion to it doesn’t make it better. All it does is make it preachy and even less fun.

For starters, the lyrics to this song just feel clumsy as hell. It tries to tell a series of tragedies to make it sound intense and thought provoking. Instead, it just sounds like it’s trying too hard and yet not trying hard enough. Just because a serious story is being told, that doesn’t automatically give it a pass to be taken seriously. You have to make it compelling, make me care about the people involved. I don’t feel like the writers of this song cared about any of the people they describe in these tragic stories.

This is also apparent in the instrumentation and vocals. The drums are the primary driving force, yet they feel too soft to bring any kind of swell or intensity. The guitar feels painfully weak and even the solo just left me zoning out until the rapper came back in. Speaking of which, front man Sonny Sandoval has all the intensity of one of the speakers in an anti-drug PSA being presented to elementary school children. Oh God, the choir of children at the end, the guitar licks at the beginning of the song, the transparent pandering to disaffected youth…This thing wants to be ‘Another Brick in the Wall’ so badly, to which I have to say, “Hey! P.O.D.! Leave Pink Floyd alone!”

P.O.D. have said this song was inspired by the shootings that took place at Santana High School and Columbine High School back in 2001, and it can’t bring any of the sadness and tragedy of these events to the song. Instead it just sounds like it’s more focused on trying to be “hard core”. It feels like they were trying to capitalize on real events where people died, and that just makes me sick to my stomach to consider. I hope you’re happy with yourselves, P.O.D. Also, go eat a dick you self-righteous pricks.

#1.

There are some terrible bands I would love to tear apart on one of these lists. Sadly, Limp Bizkit is one I’ll need to pass over because none of their songs charted in the top 40. It’s a shame really; I would jump at the opportunity to vent about them because they rightly deserve it. In lieu of that, I’ll settle with a band that front man Fred Durst gave his blessing to.

#1. She Hates Me (Puddle of Mudd) [--; 13; 10 weeks]

With some songs, it’s easy to explain what it is that makes them terrible. In some cases, I struggle a bit because I can’t exactly identify what about the song makes it not work. In the case of ‘She Hates Me’ by Puddle of Mudd, I find myself in kind of a middle ground where the song’s badness speaks for itself, but if I were to cover everything wrong with it this last part of the list would be an essay in and of itself. So, for the sake of not boring my readers to death, I’ll try to keep it brief.

Let’s start with the lyrics. They talk about a guy entering a relationship with a girl that, for some inexplicable reason, fell apart. The song tries to paint the girl in question as the one that ruined everything, but considering Wes Scantlin is singing the song I find that highly unlikely. Also, this songwriting just feels clumsy. Words are used so haphazardly that it feels like they were chosen purely because they rhymed. Hell, in some cases they don’t rhyme at all! Furthermore, they use the nonsense syllables “la la la” in place of real lyrics.

Then there’s the production and vocals. As is pretty much expected at this point, Wes Scantlin delivers every line with all the emotional heft of a giant, monotonous nose. He’s not helped by the progression, which is just the same four chords repeated endlessly all throughout the song. They don’t even stop after the song’s already had its big finish and should be over; they just keep going! It feels like they forgot to stop recording after they should’ve ended!

It’s songs like these that are the reason that rock music started to decline in the mainstream around this time. Did anyone seriously believe that Puddle of Mudd were able to get big solely on their artistic merit and not because they were given the okay by someone famous? Of course, considering how much of a douche bag Wes Scantlin has revealed himself to be after obtaining his fame, I doubt anyone would believe that now. ‘She Hates Me’ by Puddle of Mudd, a fitting pick for the worst hit song of 2002.

Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 1974

Sorry if I got particularly venomous on my previous list, folks. It’s not like 1974 was a particularly bad year on the whole. Like I said though, where this year went bad it went truly awful. Would I call this the worst year of all time? No. I’ve covered far, far worse years than this before. This doesn’t even match up to years like 2001 or 1962 in terms of terrible music.

The main reason for that is because, while this year went pretty bad at its worst, it was also pretty awesome at its best. The good songs didn’t all just come from one-off acts that would never achieve that same success ever again. We’d also be seeing some established or newer artists that would go on to be big hits of their time. And we’d even be seeing some newer trends that would take off this year and blossom into some of the songs we’d be seeing in later years of the ‘70s. But enough background! Let’s jump right into the good stuff, starting with our honorable mentions.

American Tune (Paul Simon) [--; 35; 3 weeks]

Paul Simon is one of the few artists I know that can perform a white-guy-with-acoustic-guitar song and not sound like a bro. That’s because when he sings about heartache and pain, he sounds sincere. This isn’t a song offering to lift someone up and assure them that they’ll take care of them; this is soul-crushing reality slowly engulfing you.

Can’t Get Enough of Your Love, Babe (Barry White) [--; 1; 9 weeks]

Dear God, this man’s voice! It’s like a manly nightingale gently serenading you! This particular song is a lot like ‘Hooked On a Feeling’, in that it’s about how great it is to be in love. Of course, where that song was graceful and romantic, this one is smooth and rich like a fresh jar of Skippy. And where most spoken-word segments in songs like this are ridiculous and shatter the atmosphere, Barry White’s only adds to it. Latimore, take some notes; this is how you do it.

Let Your Hair Down (The Temptations) [--; 27; 4 weeks]

A surprising number of ‘60s acts managed to keep afloat this year. This wasn’t the best of them, but it is still an awesome demonstration that the Temptations were able to adapt well to the changes to music brought about in the ‘70s. The song has a very funky sound, what with the more prominent horns section and the group’s much looser vocal performances.

Let It Ride (Bachman-Turner Overdrive) [--; 23; 9 weeks]

I guess you could consider this exhibit ‘B’ in my defense of Canadian music. Bachman-Turner Overdrive had a few hits this year, but this was their best by far. With a smooth bass line, some rocking drums and perfectly blended harmonies carrying this song, it is a masterwork of ‘70s rock.

Piano Man (Billy Joel) [--; 25; 4 weeks]

Oh, like this song needs an introduction. It would’ve made the list if it had charted higher or longer. This is a great example of Billy Joel telling a story through song. All the minute details that went into the lyrics for this song do an excellent job painting the scene that he’s setting. It might not have been a big hit, but it’s definitely earned its place as Billy Joel’s most iconic song.

Now that’s taken care of, I broke all the rules but I must let the show go on. We’re counting down…

…THE TOP 10 BEST HIT SONGS OF 1974!

#10.

How familiar is everyone with the Eurovision Song Contest? Well, too bad; I’m talking about it anyway. It’s the longest-running annual international TV song competition, generally held between countries that are members of the European Broadcasting Union since 1956. And in 1973’s Eurovision contest, one of the most successful, but also controversial, songs to appear came from Spain.

#10. Eres tú (Mocedades) [62; 9; 11 weeks]

This is Mocedades, a Spanish singing group from the Basque Country. They were originally formed in 1967 as Las Hermanas Uranga based on the three Uranga sisters that made up the group. Eventually their brothers and friends were added and they became Voces y guitarras, taking much of their inspiration from folk and spiritual music, as well as the Beatles. After a year of performing around their hometown, they sent a demo cassette to producer Juan Carlos Calderón, who took an interest in the group and named them Mocedades. They didn’t see much success outside of their home country, but they managed one hit with the song they used to represent Spain at the 1973 Eurovision contest.

“Eres tú” translates from Spanish to mean “you are”, with the narrator describing someone she views as many things, from a summer morning to a guitar in the night. It relies a lot on similes, though I feel like its simplicity works to its benefit. The song relies more on the vocals than on the words themselves, and the vocals present a beautiful delivery, especially on the harmonies.

That’s not to say the music doesn’t also support the song. The primarily guitar-driven melody serves as a nice framework for the rest of the song. And the brass and string instruments accent various segments in the song nicely, swelling certain moments to sound grander than they would otherwise sound normally.

Mocedades were charged with plagiarizing with this song, specifically with it being a rewrite of the Yugoslavia song from the 1966 Eurovision. Looking back, I do hear the similarities, but even if it was stealing, Mocedades made the song their own. The original song, ‘Brez Besed’ was a generic ballad that could have been sung by anyone, where ‘Eres tú’ was a group performance that had better production and vocals. It’s a solid tune, like a smile, like a poem, like a guitar in the night.

#9.

Considering Dionne Warwick’s second to Aretha Franklin as most charted female vocalist, it seems to make sense to compare the two. They’re both female African American singers that started out in the early ‘60s, and both of them saw scattered success over the ‘60s, ‘70s and ‘80s. However, the artist that Warwick’s style reminds me of the most is Diana Ross. The two of them tend to sing softer ballads that contrast more from Aretha Franklin’s much louder, more boisterous songs. Of course, I’m not sure either Aretha Franklin or Diana Ross would release a song like this:

#9. Then Came You (Dionne Warwick & the Spinners) [47; 1; 15 weeks]

The ‘70s were a pretty rough time for Dionne Warwick. With the shift to Warner Bros. Records, she saw the departure of long time collaborators Burt Bacharach and Hal David, who helped pen her earlier work. This was the only hit she managed at this label, and even its success could largely be attributed to the rising prominence of the Spinners. But is it any good?

Well, let’s start by looking at the instrumentation and production. The song is primarily driven by keyboard, with drums and synthesizers accenting it at various points. It’s a pretty basic setup, but it creates a very warm atmosphere, which is what the song needs. A lot of soul tracks tended to be soft and slow, whereas this one is mid-tempo and has more energy to it. 

That brings us to the lyrics and subject matter. The song talks about how the singers are in love with each other. They never knew love until they met that special someone, presumably each other. And it feels bubbly and happy, which is how a love song should feel. I believe that the singers have genuinely discovered love for the first time and feel like it’s the greatest thing they’ve ever experienced. It also helps that this is Dionne Warwick’s best vocal performance.

Neither act would fully achieve the same success again. Dionne Warwick revitalized her career by switching to Arista Records at the end of the ‘70s, and managed another #1 hit, but you can’t say her work after this song was her best. As for the Spinners, they managed scattered success through to the beginning of the ‘80s, but they would never top the charts again. Even so, this song plays to both acts’ strengths well and was a breath of fresh air in an otherwise dull, forgettable year.

#8.

As it turns out, it wasn’t just the acts of the ‘60s that bled over into this year. Some artists even adapted the styles of the ‘60s too, like this:

#8. Beach Baby (The First Class) [94; 4; 11 weeks]

The First Class was a British pop group consisting of singer-songwriter John Carter and singers Tony Burrows and Chas Mills. Carter also contributed to hit songs from Brenda Lee, Herman’s Hermits and the Ivy Leauge. Tony Burrows performed lead vocals for a number of one-hit wonders’ songs, specifically ‘Love Grows (Where My Rosemary Goes)’ by Edison Lighthouse, ‘My Baby Loves Lovin’’ by White Plains, ‘Gimme Dat Ding’ by the Pipkins and ‘United We Stand’ by the Brotherhood of Man. This wasn’t even the only time these two men collaborated, as Burrows also sang lead vocals on the Carter-penned Flower Pot Men song ‘Let’s Go to San Francisco’.

This particular song sees them trying out the upbeat, surfer-craze type song that was characteristic of the Beach Boys. Apparently, this craze was barely still going but wouldn’t last much longer after this. I think they did a nice job with it. The song does quite a bit with the theme of the song, painting surprising detail about this teen romance, from ruining the girl’s dress with soda pop to the ring the girl said she’d wear.

If there’s one thing that kind of drags the song down for me, it’s the last minute of the song. Up until that point it’s fine, with strong music and good lyrics. However, that last portion just sees them repeating the phrase ‘beach baby’ endlessly, and it feels kind of lazy. I know I haven’t made a good case to state otherwise, but I try not to harp on songs for the use of repetition. I just wish they’d added in a bridge or another verse or something there instead.

Besides that though, I like this song. For those that would argue that they were basically just trying to copy the style of the Beach Boys, I just have to say, “Yeah. And?” The Beach Boys themselves had already started dropping off in quality by this point, so it’s not like we were getting any good music from them at the time. I’ll take the one-hit wonder successfully emulating their style over the fading genuine article, thanks.

#7.

With how the political climate has been looking lately, it feels kind of fitting that I pull out a song like this next one. I say this because, if there were any song that properly reflected people’s opinions of the current U.S. president, this would probably be it.

#7. You Haven’t Done Nothin’ (Stevie Wonder) [--; 1; 14 weeks]

The ‘70s were incredibly kind to Stevie Wonder. Not only was this a commercially successful period for him, it also saw him exercising a lot more control over his output and creating high quality material as a result. I feel like this is one of his less known songs from this period, which is a shame because it is glorious.

It’s worth noting that this is a political song. Specifically, it’s a very angry statement directed at then US president Richard Nixon, released two days before he resigned no less. And it feels like an angry song; the lyrics are very scathing, criticizing the president’s claims to making change, and even accusing him of spreading lies to pacify the American public.  

It’s interesting that the message of the song should be this angry because the music is this energetic, funky sound that contrasts with that greatly. It features a thick Hohner clavinet, keyboard horns, hi-hats, a crash cymbal and an early appearance of the drum machine, all played by Stevie Wonder himself. A smooth electric bass line courtesy of Reggie McBride accents all that, and the cherry on top is the fantastic background vocals provided by the Jackson 5.

If I had one minor nitpick, it’s that the song sounds uncomfortably similar to Stevie Wonder’s other big hit from this period, ‘Superstition’. They’re even in the same key signature and everything. The song probably would’ve placed higher on this list if not for that. Otherwise, it’s a deliciously funky tune from one of the greatest artists of the ‘70s at his peak.

#6.

You know what group seems to seriously get underrepresented in pop music? Native Americans. Seriously, outside of Taboo of the Black Eyed Peas and Kid Cudi I can’t really think of that many that have had hits. So I guess it’s nice to know that in 1974 we’d be seeing them, not just represented, but represented by a really good band.

#6. Come and Get Your Love (Redbone) [4; 5; 18 weeks]

So, normally I’d start off by describing a bit of background regarding the song to set up for talking about its separate parts. However, I’m not really sure there’s a lot to this song in terms of its background. It’s just a simple pop rock song. I think that’s what I like about it though: it’s simplicity. It doesn’t try to be anything more than what it is.

There are two things about this song that placed it on the list. The first is the electric sitar that’s interspersed throughout the song. Those sitar licks are what make this song stand out; they’re a unique element that you don’t see in a lot of songs, even back then. The other element that works in this song’s favor is the chorus. I usually don’t like it when a song builds its entire chorus around a single line, but “Come and get your love” pretty much says all that’s needed. The song’s just a happy, upbeat love song that doesn’t require much thought going into it.

I guess something else to note about this song is that it appeared on the ‘Guardians of the Galaxy: Awesome Mix Vol. 1’ album. So it’s kind of a counterbalance to the album also having Blue Swede’s terrible cover of ‘Hooked On a Feeling’. Having this song play at the beginning of the film was the right move honestly; it did a much better job setting the tone for the film than the song meant to represent the film did.

I feel like I’m really struggling to talk about most of these songs. Still, I’m halfway through the list. I can do this…

#5.

I think part of the reason people view this year as the worst of the ‘70s was because this was the year that saw the introduction of disco music into the mainstream. I can kind of understand why people hate the genre, but I disagree with it being a bad thing, on the whole anyway. It added some much-needed energy to the pop charts, which were bogged down with endless adult contemporary pieces and disposable garbage. As it happens, we had a number of funk and disco songs chart this year, and this was probably the best of them.

#5. Jungle Boogie (Kool & the Gang) [12; 4; 16 weeks]

I realize this isn’t really a disco song technically and is more funk, but it came out around the time that disco was starting to take off in the mainstream, so I’m counting it. This might not have been the song that started the disco trend, but it’s the one everyone remembers best from its early years, and for good reason.

On a basic level, there really isn’t a lot to this song. The music is funky, sure, but besides that the song would be no different from any other funk or disco song of the time. All except for one thing: the spoken word segments that pepper the song. Those brief snippets of guttural vocals really push the song over the top, both in ridiculousness and in energy. Without those, there’s really no other point to the song.

That’s not to say the rest of the song isn’t good on top of that. The guitar breaks accented by the horns help to break up the song’s monotony and the lyrics, while nonsensical, mean that the song isn’t just a featureless instrumental track. Each of the separate parts of the song come together to create a complete whole, and taking out any of them would render the rest of the song meaningless.

I think it’s fitting that this was the song that put Kool & the Gang on the map. Most of their songs up to this year didn’t have ‘Jungle Boogie’s iconic element that made the group stand out. And unlike most ‘70s funk acts, they actually managed to survive the death of disco and persist into the ‘80s. All of that is thanks to this one song.

#4.

When it comes to Elton John’s music, most people tend to avoid his popular singles. That’s not to say his popular songs are bad; people just don’t seem to gravitate towards them as much as his less popular material. Of course, there is one song of his that even those people seem to enjoy:

#4. Bennie and the Jets (Elton John) [9; 1; 16 weeks]

I admit I didn’t get this song at first. It’s this ridiculous, slow-paced song with lyrics that don’t seem to be about anything. Even Elton John’s singing, which I normally like, just sounds off-kilter and hokey here. But after a few more listens, I started getting a better idea about what people liked about it.

First off, let’s look at those lyrics, shall we? The song describes a fictional band that the narrator is a fan of. Though it does so in a way that also kind of makes fun of their style and especially their fashion. This song was apparently written as a satire of the greed and glitz of the early ‘70s music scene. This can be heard in the walls of sound and electric boots the band in the song sports.

That brings us to the production and composition. ‘Bennie and the Jets’ has been described as one of the oddest songs Elton John has ever recorded. Gus Dungeon, the song’s producer, decided to give the song a “live from Playhouse Theatre” sound, adding in reverb effects, applause, whistles and audience sounds from John’s previous concerts, plus a loop from Isle of Wight, the live Jimi Hendrix album, making the recording sound like a live concert performance. In addition, Elton John rarely places the song exactly like the recording, often changing the sound in various ways. The piano solo, for example, has been played in many variations, from extending it to improvising it.

I still wouldn’t call this my favorite Elton John song; he’s had better. I don’t think he’s had a song as interesting as this one though. We need more hit songs taking chances and satirizing the bland, samey-sounding trends of the time and doing so well.

#3.

I’ve spoken before of how I’m a fan of ‘70s rock music. My love for Queen should be more than enough proof of that. Still though, I haven’t really had the chance to talk about a different style of ‘70s rock, particularly around this time frame. This style also took influence from country music and blues and is viewed by many as an important contribution to the development of rock music that’s been minimized in its history. I am, of course, speaking of Southern rock.

#3. Sweet Home Alabama (Lynyrd Skynyrd) [--; 8; 11 weeks]

I realize this will probably be a bit of a controversial choice, saying I actually like one of the most prideful, defiant Southern songs in a time when people are rioting and being assaulted on the premise of their race or who they voted for, but I’m going to stand by it. I’m not saying I stand by all the discrimination that had become associated with the South at the time, but I feel like it can be just as bad to lump everyone on one side of a debate into this one specific caricature or stereotype of their group, regardless of their opinions or beliefs. So a song like this that’s not just proud but openly defiant of the stereotypes associated with the South is something I can respect.

Speaking of which, let’s focus on the lyrics. This song was specifically written as a response to two Neil Young songs: ‘Southern Man’ and ‘Alabama’. They’re pretty much the same song, both about the prejudice that had come to be associated with the South at this time, what with the passing of the Civil Rights Act and the general unrest related to racism and its dismantling. ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ firmly states that not all Southerners are like that. It reaffirms that Southerners are Americans too and they have more to their culture.

Of course, what really wins me over with this song is the production and instrumentation. It’s primarily driven by guitar, with the piano serving to accent various segments. And despite the pride in the lyrics, the song has a very laid back feel that makes it seem warm and inviting. The song’s not just celebrating Southern pride; it’s welcoming the listener to celebrate as well.

I just appreciate that Lynyrd Skynyrd decided to stand up and write something this defiant of how people viewed the South. And I’m not even a Southerner myself. If this isn’t enough to justify my placement of this song on this list in your eyes, then I’ll at least close with this: at least it’s better than what Kid Rock did with the song. Ugh…Moving along.

#2.

It turns out the Beach Boys weren’t the only ‘60s act that had lost its edge by 1974. There were also the Beatles, who, after splitting up, were now pursuing solo careers to varying degrees of success and quality. It’s a shame that I have to put it that way because with how lacking in memorable songs this year was, the general public could’ve really used some Beatles music to keep things fresh. Fortunately, there was one band that was willing to deliver when the Beatles themselves were unable to.

#2. Overnight Sensation (Hit Record) (The Raspberries) [--; 18; 6 weeks]

Am I the only one that thinks it’s kind of funny that a British act was trying to be like an American act while an American act was trying to be like a British act this year? Okay, the Raspberries weren’t only taking inspiration from the Beatles, but other British Invasion era acts as well, like the Who, the Hollies and Small Faces. That influence is certainly noticeable on this track, and I only see this as a good thing.

The lyrics talk about how the narrator wants to hear a song he wrote and put together on the radio, not for the fame or for the money or the attention, but just to hear it on the radio. This isn’t exactly a humble sentiment, but it is an interesting one. As a creative person myself, I understand the desire to hear or see something you put a part of yourself into put out publically and have it get some form of recognition. So, in a way, this song kind of speaks to me.

That leaves the instrumentation and production. I said that the band took inspiration from the British Invasion acts from the ‘60s, but the sound of this song is still recognizably ‘70s-ish. It’s a sign that the band had evolved from their earlier work, which didn’t seem to give them much of an identity outside of just being a throwback band. I especially love the harmonies during the “overnight sensation” line at the end of the chorus, and during the outro; they’re just beautiful and make me think of a precursor to the harmonies Queen would become famous for during the ‘70s.

I think ‘Overnight Sensation’ is the Raspberries’ best song, and a seriously underrated one too. It’s a shame it was the band’s last hit song. Although, while the band wouldn’t have another hit, they would still serve as pioneers to the power pop style, which took off after they disbanded. In a way, I guess they were an overnight sensation, if by “overnight” you mean “here and then gone all in the span of one night”, or five years I suppose.

#1.

If I’m being perfectly honest folks, I had a lot of trouble writing this list. Most of these songs were pretty tricky for me to write about, especially the ones by acts who only had a handful of hits. I bring this up because, out of all the songs I put on this list, this next one might be the one that gave me the most trouble to write about. I was still able to find information about the other songs that appeared on this list on Wikipedia, Allmusic or Songfacts, but I could find pretty much nothing on this next song, which is a shame because it is a true gem. So without further ado, I present the Righteous Brothers.

#1. Give It to the People (The Righteous Brothers) [--; 20; 4 weeks]

1974 was a pretty significant year for the Righteous Brothers. This was six years after the duo initially split up and started doing their own things. This year the pair reunited and weeks later released their big comeback single ‘Rock and Roll Heaven’, an ode to deceased rock singers that successfully reestablished the Righteous Brothers’ position in the spotlight. I thought that song was okay, but I think ‘Give It to the People’ might top even that.

Let’s start by talking about the lyrics. The song starts by seeming to reflect on a man’s introduction to music, but over the course of the song, becomes more about the narrator’s love of performing. Having been in my fair share of performance groups in the past, I can safely say I connect with this. I’m familiar with the excitement of performing before an audience, the thrill one feels as the curtain rises and the joy it brings to hear thunderous applause after each song.

What really wins me over, however, is the way they sing it. They perform the song with all the passion and intensity of people who genuinely love music and love singing it. When most people think of the Righteous Brothers, the one they actually remember is Bill Medley, but taking the main melody for this song is the late Bobby Hatfield, and folks, his presentation here is amazing. It’s a clear demonstration that they are a duo and not just Bill Medley running the show.

This song barely qualified for this list. I’m so glad it did though because, while not the Righteous Brothers’ best song, it was still a welcome change in an otherwise mostly unmemorable year. Despite this, both the album and this song seem to have vanished from the public consciousness. That is a crime and a shame, and I implore all of my readers to rectify this. If you can find this song, listen to it. I guarantee you won’t be disappointed. ‘Give It to the People’ by the Righteous Brothers: my choice for the best hit song of 1974.  

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 1974

Hello again folks. Well, it’s been over a year now, so I figured I would take another stab at the ‘70s. This particular year was a suggestion from a friend, and…Well, I’ll say this much, 1974 is not the worst year I’ve covered. It is, however, one of the blandest. Almost none of the music from this year was remotely catchy; the moment after I finished listening to a song I would forget how it went.

I can understand why people label this year the worst for music in the ‘70s, and even to some degree the worst for music period. It’s not bad in any of the interesting ways; the music’s too samey-sounding to be distinguished and too dull to be memorable. Even putting together the worst list was quite difficult because so little inspired a reaction from me. Don’t think for a moment that I wasn’t able to fill out this list though, because where this year went bad, it went terrible. Speaking of which, let’s cut to the chase and start out with our dishonorable mentions, shall we?

I’m a Train (Albert Hammond) [--; 31; 4 weeks]

Albert Hammond repeatedly says he’s a train; that’s the whole song. Also, the nursery rhyme melody irritates the hell out of me. Get used to me saying that, because it’s a recurring problem with a lot of the songs on this list.

One Day at a Time (Marilyn Sellars) [--; 37; 2 weeks]

I’m not making a solid case for myself having nothing against religious music, am I? Look, I can understand why other people like this music, but I just can’t stand songs like this. It’s slow; it’s tedious; its tempo sounds seasick; its lyrics are terribly schmaltzy. And to top it all off, Marilyn Sellars just isn’t a very impassioned singer.

Sugar Baby Love (The Rubettes) [--; 37; 2 weeks]

This made it here almost entirely because of that falsetto voice right at the beginning that could shatter glass. Though, it’s not like the rest of the song makes up for it. It repeats those three words enough times to make your brain hemorrhage, and the harmonies are too lackluster to make up for any of that. And then there’s the spoken-word bridge, which is so laughably bad it’s almost self-parody.

Let’s Straighten It Out (Latimore) [--; 31; 3 weeks]

I didn’t know Barry White’s music until I worked on this list. Having done so, I think it’s safe to say that this Latimore guy was a wannabe. And unfortunately, he lacks all the charisma that Barry White possessed. Not helping matters is that he was given such a dull song to work with. The tempo is so slow I can practically count the sixty-fourth beats between measures.

The Air That I Breathe (The Hollies) [50; 6; 11 weeks]

This song is so corny I can practically see the kernels in its teeth. “Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you”? So, you only need to breathe sometimes? Also, the sentiment’s just so generic. They might as well have said “All I need are my organs” or “All I need is to exist”. Though I guess those wouldn’t have fit the meter.

Now then, hang on in there baby; we’re counting down…

…THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF 1974!

#10.

Something I noticed about this year was that there were a lot of slow-tempo ballads. I don’t know if that necessarily contributed to this year being as generic as it was, but it certainly didn’t do it any favors. Most of them I was willing to look past, since they weren’t really worth mentioning. I felt like this one warranted mention though, and if you know anything about bad ‘70s music, this act should need no introduction.

#10. Love Me For a Reason (The Osmonds) [--; 10; 7 weeks]

I’ve covered Donny and Marie Osmond previously, but I think this is my first time tackling the Osmond family as a whole. Although, it’s not like I need to; it’s been universally accepted at this point that the Osmonds were terrible. The Osmond family was to the ‘70s what Pat Boone was to the ‘50s and early ‘60s. They performed store-brand, white bread versions of other songs by better artists.

This particular number is a cover of a Johnny Bristol song, one that isn’t too bad. I honestly can’t imagine how much the guy was paid to let the Osmonds desecrate his song, but it couldn’t possibly have been enough. You might not realize this if you look up the lyrics for yourself, but the Osmonds changed half of the verses and even managed to mangle the final verse! I’ve checked every lyric site I can find, and every one of them has the Osmonds’ “revised” edition, leaving Johnny Bristol’s version to the dustbin of history.  

Another issue is that the music to their version is terribly bland. The original had interesting musical elements, including what sounds like a harpsichord driving the melody. The Osmonds’ version is a twinkling, sparkly snoozefest that would’ve fit in with any other song of theirs and not stand out in the slightest. I mean, there are bells there like the original version, but besides that the song sounds nothing like it.

It makes me sick to think that people were more interested in this neutered, stale rice cracker of a song over the original, which of course didn’t chart and has faded from the public consciousness. This charted low because I know the Osmond family is capable of much, much worse.

#9.

I’ve made it no secret that I am not a fan of Ray Stevens. I just don’t understand his sense of humor and the music he makes all tends to require as little thought to go into it as possible. Despite this, he not only saw a lot of success in the ‘60s, but even managed some success into the ‘70s. In fact, we’ll be covering two songs that had Ray Stevens’s influence on them, one now and one later. Although, say what you want about Ray Stevens; at least he had no potential to disappoint people by not achieving. This next artist doesn’t have that excuse.

#9. Rub It In (Billy ‘Crash’ Craddock) [--; 16; 9 weeks]

Technically this song’s a cover and Stevens only produced the original version, but I personally feel that anything he’s touched is beyond salvation. Billy ‘Crash’ Craddock wasn’t a bad artist. He was clearly trying to be Elvis when he started out, and the country music he released soon afterwards was nothing to write home about, but I didn’t have anything against the guy. And yet, I can’t stand his biggest American hit at all.

The first thing you’ll likely notice about this song, and most of the songs on this list, is that it’s hokey as all hell. There’s an overall sense of forced cheer to this song and every nauseating second of it is painful to sit through. It feels like someone told a morbid joke and is still elbowing me in the ribs trying to get a laugh out of me.

Of course, that’s before we get into the lyrics and subject matter. The idea of the song is that it sets up this really suggestive situation of a guy and a girl meeting on the beach, and then it becomes this goofy number about rubbing suntan lotion on one’s skin. First of all, how does this make the song any less suggestive? Rubbing in suntan lotion can still be taken as sexual or sexy. Second of all, where’s the joke? All that’s happening is that the guy’s getting lotion rubbed on him.

Craddock managed more successes on the US and Canadian country charts, and even one more hit with ‘Ruby Baby’, but by the ‘90s he was pretty much gone. Still, that can’t be any comfort to those that had to suffer through this. This song didn’t belong anywhere on the pop charts, and I can’t possibly rub that in enough.

#8.

Going back to the Osmonds for a moment, they were also responsible for causing bad music to happen indirectly during the ‘70s. This next act was originally discovered while touring with the Osmonds, and if there were ever a band whose association with them did them no favors, it was this one.

#8. Billy Don’t Be a Hero (Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods) [21; 1; 12 weeks]

Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods were an act whose success didn’t span past the mid ‘70s. They only managed three chart successes, two of which were covers of British songs that didn’t see success in the US, and all three of which charted this year. Unfortunately, the three of them were disappointingly lackluster, and this one is the worst by far.

First of all, we’re once again treated to a dose of hokey music. I’m not against flutes being used in pop music, but this one isn’t used well at all. It just makes the song sound like what you’d hear at a children’s band performance. It also gives us yet another sing-songy, nursery rhyme melody that we didn’t need any more of.

Then there’s the lyrics and subject matter. Look, I understand that some people find songs about somber subjects like soldiers dying in a war sentimental and emotionally riveting, but that doesn’t make them good. The cheery tune this song used completely clashes with the tone it’s going for. I’m not brought to tears by the sad story of a soldier who died; I just feel like vomiting at how forcefully upbeat the song sounds in contrast.

Due to the timing of this song’s release, some listeners associated it with the Vietnam War. It’s since been stated that it’s referring to an unidentified war, but I feel like that just makes it worse. At least, if it had been connected to the Vietnam War that would’ve given some justification for this song’s existence. As is though, it’s the equivalent of someone writing a jaunty tune about how much death sucks without grieving a specific person. It’s obnoxious; it’s stupid; it’s utterly pointless.

#7.

What are some of the artists you think of when you think of the worst music of the ‘70s? Many people may have different answers to this question, but there’s at least one artist people can all agree on: Donny Osmond.

#7. I’m Leaving It Up to You (Donny and Marie Osmond) [81; 4; 10 weeks]

I really don’t like picking on easy targets, but ‘Deep Purple’ made it on my ‘worst of ‘76’ list, and this song’s making it on this list. And in my defense, it’s not like I don’t have good reason for this. I just hate everything about Donny Osmond. I hate his obnoxious, cheery wholesomeness; I hate his dorky, stupid hairstyle; I hate his insufferable, grinning face! And every time I see it, I just want to sock him in his perfect teeth!

This particular song isn’t all that noteworthy in terms of his discography, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still have issues with it. Like pretty much every pre-1980’s Donny Osmond song, this one was a cover of an older song, this one originally performed by Don Harris and Dewey Terry. Although, while the original version wasn’t exactly great either, it was at least better than this dull turd of a song. And like ‘Deep Purple’, this one was also covered by a different duo prior to Donny and Marie getting their grubby little mitts on it.

All three versions of the song suffer the same problem: they’re all slow and lifeless. The ’74 version is made worse purely because of the performers though. As is expected at this point, they don’t even bother to stick to the lyrics of the original song. Also, while not great performances, Don Harris and Dewey Terry at least sounded like adults when they sang the song; it sounded like it was coming from people that understood how relationships work. Donny and Marie both have the maturity of third graders.

These two had another hit this year, which I decided to let slide because otherwise I’d be crowding this list with too many Osmond songs. Doesn’t make this song suck any less though. Do yourselves a favor folks: don’t leave anything up to Donny Osmond.

#6.

Paul Anka left a very favorable impression on me based on the first song of his I heard, ‘Goodnight My Love’. To my disappointment, when going through his early work, I realized that he started out as the poor man’s Neil Sedaka. That seemed to change around 1963, once the hits dried up, resulting in much better, more emotional songs that sounded like adults wrote them. Then the ‘70s happened, and Paul Anka’s remaining promise dispersed.

#6. One Man Woman—One Woman Man (Paul Anka & Odia Coates) [--; 13; 6 weeks

If there’s one thing I will give Paul Anka credit for, it’s that he grew into a very versatile artist in the ‘60s. He was able to cover a fairly diverse range of subjects. And, to his credit, he does try to step outside of his wheelhouse for this song. Though, considering what it’s about, maybe it would’ve been better if he hadn’t.

If there’s something people have likely noticed throughout these lists, it’s that I’m not big into songs about cheating on one’s lover. Some artists have the charisma to pull it off or justify it, but Paul Anka isn’t one of those artists. He’s too nice for a song like this; I don’t buy that he would be the kind of person to do this.

Even if he were though, there’s a much bigger problem with this song: the fact that neither party involved seemed to learn anything from Paul Anka’s cheating. At no point in the song do he or Odia Coates demonstrate that they felt any kind of investment in the fact that he was cheating. Anka doesn’t seem to honestly regret the fact that he was cheating and Coates doesn’t seem to care. The song claims they’ve moved past it by the end, but there’s no indication that things will change between them.

If Paul Anka’s output hadn’t already started dropping in quality by this point in his career, this might’ve placed higher on this list. In all fairness, I wouldn’t even call this his worst song. As is though, it’s still a huge disappointment coming from an artist I used to like. Moving along!

#5.

So, what could be worse than a song that uses a nursery-rhyme melody as its base? How about a song that is literally based on a nursery rhyme?

#5. Mockingbird (Carly Simon & James Taylor) [52; 5; 13 weeks]

Okay, it’s a children’s lullaby and not technically a nursery rhyme, but the premise still stands. And it looks like this year’s now given us not one, but two terribly corny covers of what were already awful songs. It’s especially disappointing to think that this sappy thing came from Carly Simon and James Taylor, who took themselves seriously on every other song of theirs.

Anyway, let’s look at the music, which is, once again, the tritest sound they could have possibly picked. Isn’t folk music supposed to have some somberness to it? This sounds like it was played for square dancing night at your aunt and uncle’s house, and not even the cool ones either.

And that leaves us with the lyrics and subject matter. The song, like I said, is based around the classic lullaby ‘Hush Little Baby’. See though, that song is about offering your kid various different things in order to get them to shut up and go to sleep. It’s not exactly what works as this jaunty love song about one’s lover buying them things because God knows why. Oh, and they changed the lyrics like pretty much every other cover song I’ve covered so far. The thing is the lyrical changes don’t enhance the song; they just make the singers come across like whiny, spoiled divas. That’s right, folks; if your lover doesn’t buy you shit, that means they don’t love you. So you should shout and scream and cause a ruckus until they do!

I don’t know what else to say about this one. The music’s crap, the lyrics make no sense, and the message is terrible. Then again, considering James Taylor helped perform this, I guess the lack of a positive message shouldn’t surprise me that much. Moving along!

#4.

I hate Ray Stevens! I don’t understand what people found funny about him! His idea of diversity in comedy is trying out a different stupid voice and calling it a day! As a comedian, he’s a black hole; sucking in everything, crushing it into nothing and not allowing anything to escape once it gets close to him! If Ray Stevens’d had ten hits this year, all ten would be on this list! He only had one, so that’s what made the cut!  

#4. The Streak (Ray Stevens) [8; 1; 12 weeks]

I know I’ve already talked about Ray Stevens so my hate for him should be prevalent by now. But as long as I keep covering years where his songs have charted, you’re going to continue hearing about him. So I’ll try to keep this brief.

As is par for the course at this point, the song is built around one barely functioning joke of a premise. This time, it’s that a man keeps running through places completely naked. Because ha ha; naked people are hilarious! Apparently streaking was a big thing at this time, but Stevens jumped on the craze right as it was being put to a stop. I guess the ‘70s were just rife with bizarre trends that were stupid in hindsight; the streaking craze, the trucker craze…

 But let’s step away from the comedy and look at the song on its own merits. It’s still terrible. One of the biggest issues I take with Ray Stevens is that his voice is capable of carrying a melody, yet in most cases he chooses not to. That’s exactly what happens with this song; Stevens tries to perform it all in this horrendous “comedic” voice that can’t hold a tune, even during the chorus, the only time he even bothers trying to sing. The music’s pretty bad too; just this hackneyed music that’s trying to sound funny but just leaves me embarrassed for everyone that had to play this.

Much like with ‘Guitarzan’, I feel like this isn’t Ray Stevens at his worst. It’s still terrible, but I know that Ray Stevens can sink far, far lower than this in terms of quality. It might not have even been that noteworthy if it weren’t for Ray Stevens performing every other song around this time completely straight. In fact, most of his work in the early ‘70s took itself incredibly seriously, which makes this song kind of an odd choice. Not that I’d want to listen to any of those other songs from this time or ever either. Next!

#3.

Well folks, we’ve addressed the small fries; now it’s time to address the largest cob in the bunch. That’s right; I present to you the hokiest song that charted this year:

#3. Jim Dandy (To the Rescue) (Black Oak Arkansas) [--; 25; 6 weeks]

Black Oak Arkansas is an American southern rock band named after their hometown of Black Oak, Arkansas. Their lead singer, Jim “Dandy” Mangrum, is best known for his raspy voice, long hair and wild, sexually explicit onstage antics. However, the bigger name from this band was its drummer around this time, Tommy Aldridge, who most people likely recognize for his work with the Pat Travers Band, Ozzy Osbourne, Gary Moore and Whitesnake, just to name a few. Besides those two star names however, this band had nothing going for it. This song was their biggest hit, one of only two charting singles the band would manage, and it’s devoid of any flavor or energy besides being embarrassing to listen to.

It’s worth noting that this song is yet another cover. The original, performed by R&B singer LaVern Baker, wasn’t too bad, but that’s mainly because it was told from the third person perspective. This song doesn’t lend itself well to being told in the first-person. Too many details in the song require that level of distance for them to not sound egotistical.

Also, the original had a softer, funkier sound to it that carried the melody much more smoothly. This ridiculous, over-the-top rock music is the wrong way to perform a song like this. The result is that it sounds like something one would hear from a band hired to perform at a little kid’s birthday party, undoubtedly embarrassing the poor child.

Back to the topic of ego, I can’t help but notice that a band whose front man is named Jim “Dandy” is performing the song ‘Jim Dandy’. Considering there’s nothing to indicate when or how he got the name, I’d just as soon assume he dubbed himself that when the band decided to cover this song. Either that or he got the name first and decided he just had to cover this song and tell it from his perspective. Regardless, this blows, and if it weren’t for Mangrum’s influence on Van Halen vocalist David Lee Roth and Tommy Aldridge’s success with other acts, Black Oak Arkansas would be completely worthless.

#2.

I’m sorry again folks. I know that the movie soundtrack this song appeared on was pretty successful and popular with people. I myself liked some songs that showed up in this film. That said I am of the mind that anything and everything is capable of disappointing someone. With that in mind, Starlord, your taste in music has been called into question!

#2. Hooked On a Feeling (Blue Swede) [20; 1; 14 weeks]

I realize this is kind of a biased pick because I’ve gone on record as saying I like the original version. I wasn’t even going to place this song this high on the list at first. Then I went back, re-listened to it and the original and realized just how much I hate this cover version. It serves no purpose despite its more frequent appearances in the popular consciousness.

First off, there’s the “ooga chaka” intro. The song’s supposed to be about how great being in love feels. What does the band going “ooga chaka” all over the song do for it? I guess they’re trying to make it sound goofier to make it seem stranger because strange things are more likely to be remembered, but that doesn’t make it a good change. In the band’s defense, they weren’t the ones that originally made this change; Jonathan King did that for his 1971 cover. Of course, why Blue Swede would choose to base their version off of that one instead of B. J. Thomas’s eludes me.

That brings us to the other big problem with this song: front man Björn Skifs. Simply put, the man has the wrong vocals for a song like this. When B. J. Thomas sang it, his softer, more polished vocals made it sound like he was genuinely in love. Skifs, meanwhile, just barrels through the whole thing like a rampaging rhino. He doesn’t even bother to make the words match the original or remotely make sense. And then there’s what he does to the “I” that introduces the chorus. Where B. J. Thomas held that note out, Skifs drops it, which takes away whatever atmosphere there might’ve been.

While Björn Skifs would continue to see success in his homeland of Sweden after this, Blue Swede disappeared after 1975. Yet it’s their version of ‘Hooked On a Feeling’, not B. J. Thomas’s, that people remember to this day. No one ever said the world was a fair place.

#1.

I don’t always like it when my opinion mirrors that of the general public. While these lists are meant to reflect my own musical tastes, I feel like there are points where it can get predictable. Such was the case with my #1 song for this list, which is already regarded by many, not just as a bad song, but as one of the worst songs ever recorded. And once you’ve heard it, I’m sure you’ll understand why. So, ladies and gentlemen, I present the worst hit song of 1974:

#1. (You’re) Having My Baby (Paul Anka) [28; 1; 11 weeks]

Just a reminder folks: my measurement of how bad a song is doesn’t depend solely on how much it pissed me off or absence of good, otherwise ‘The Streak’ or ‘Hooked On a Feeling’ would’ve been my #1. While those are factors, the main decider is what the song’s goal was and how much it failed to achieve it. And hoo boy do we have a song that misses its mark by a wide margin on our hands.

Really, all the problems in this song can be summed up right in the title. “You’re having my baby”. You’re giving birth to a child I consider mine and mine alone. And if that wasn’t enough, the rest of the lyrics dig the hole deeper. “What a lovely way of sayin’/How much you love me”.  And, of course, there’s the bizarre choice to include a line about abortion about halfway through the song. I guess to show that she could have aborted but didn’t because she just loves him that much.

Paul Anka has defended the song, stating that it’s “not meant to alienate anyone” and that he could have said “our” but the other “sounded better”. Yeah, because claiming sole ownership of the child makes you look so much better in this situation, doesn’t it Anka? He’s also stated that it’s meant to be “a love song”. If that’s the goal the song was aiming for, then it fails because of how questionable the lyrical choices were! I know Paul Anka is, or was, better than this! Paul Anka, ‘(You’re) Having My Baby’, worst hit song of 1974.