Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2002

Hello again folks. Well, we’re back in the early 2000s. I was dreading getting back to this period, considering how unpleasant my last venture here was, but here we are anyway. I’ll at least say this much: 2002 was not as bad as 2001. Where 2001 was mostly a year peppered with stupidity, 2002 tried to be a little smarter.

But how does this year stand on its own? Well, I’m not going to say this was a great year, but it certainly saw some milestones. Justin Timberlake broke off from ‘NSYNC; Eminem released one of his best albums; Hikaru Utada and Queens of the Stone Age both released new albums; Kelly Clarkson was crowned the first winner of American Idol; Run-D.M.C. and Salt-n-Pepa disbanded and Fergie joined the Black Eyed Peas, just to name a few. I wouldn’t call this year unmemorable, uninteresting or even boring.

That said there were still points where it felt like it could’ve been better. The US was still recovering from the 9/11 attacks, and the music that came out definitely reflected that, especially in the earlier portion of the year. People were in shock over how something like that could happen, and quite a bit of the music seemed to be trying to offer some kind of clarity. That didn’t make it good, but it at least made it feel more important. And we’re going to be digging into quite a bit of it shortly, starting with our dishonorable mentions:

Dontchange (Musiq Soulchild) [--; 17; 13 weeks]

Hello again Musiq Soulchild; it’s been a while. This song is at least better than ‘Love’, in that it’s less boring. That said, there are still some lyrical choices that baffle me, such as claiming he’ll still love this woman even if her hair turns gray or when she gains weight. I don’t think those are things you want to introduce as possibilities to a woman dude. Also “The way I feel for you will always be the same/Just as long as your love don’t change”? So, you’ll stop loving her if her love for you changes? How would it change? Are you scared that she’ll ask you to move past first base? This song just feels too tame to be taken seriously. Moving along!

Ordinary Day (Vanessa Carlton) [--; 30; 8 weeks]

I didn’t mind Vanessa Carlton’s first hit song, ‘A Thousand Miles’ all that much. It was nothing special, but I thought it was okay. This song, on the other hand, not only proved that she was a one-trick pony, but also that she might not even be that good at her one trick. While the lyrics on ‘A Thousand Miles’ were at least passable, they reach into truly hollow teenage pretentiousness here. I can sum up this song in four words: “I like this boy”. The end. Next!

A Woman’s Worth (Alicia Keys) [51; 7; 11 weeks]

Speaking of one-trick ponies and neo-soul artists, Alicia Keys gives us a little of both. This song sounds eerily similar to her previous single. I wasn’t a fan of ‘Fallin’’ to begin with, but at least it had power behind it with the harmonies. ‘A Woman’s Worth’ just feels so much weaker by comparison. Also, while the lyrics for ‘Fallin’’ weren’t much to write home about, they’re somehow worse here. Whatever; no one remembers this song, so let’s just continue.

 Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning) (Alan Jackson) [98; 28; 7 weeks]

I don’t think this song is necessarily that bad. However, it was the song that started the trend of slow, mediocre country ballads that crowded the pop charts this year. So, all those country songs you got sick of hearing on the radio back in 2002? You can blame them on this song. Also, I feel a bit annoyed that Alan Jackson decided to write a song capitalizing on the tragedy of the 9/11 attacks. I’m sure there was a real message of support and emotion in there somewhere, but I feel like it was lost once this song became a hit.

What If She’s an Angel (Tommy Shane Steiner) [--; 39; 3 weeks]

This was the worst country song to chart this year and definitely would’ve made the list if it had qualified. Preachy, moral guilt tripping like this just pisses me off! “Oh, you should be willing to give money to the homeless and protect a woman from her abusive husband because…they might be angels sent from heaven to test your worth.” You know Steiner, not all of us are competing for the Miss America pageant in our heads. Yes, you should give to the poor and offer help to those who need it if you can. But doing it for selfish reasons like that undermines the fact that those are just nice things you should be doing regardless of if you get rewarded for it or not. Screw this!

Now then, let’s wash our hands clean of this as we count down…

…THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF 2002!

#10.

Between the hip-hop, country and rock music that dominated the charts this year, it’s easy to overlook that R&B still had some presence in the top 40 as well. This was mostly due to the rising success of Usher, who had yet to truly cement himself as the king of R&B as of yet. There were still other R&B singers out there though, such as the mid-to-late ‘90s performer Brandy, who would be seeing her final top 10 hit this year. It’s a bit of a shame that it wasn’t very good.

#10. What About Us? (Brandy) [65; 7; 11 weeks]

Honestly though, it’s not like Brandy’s a particularly noteworthy artist. She has a pretty voice, yes, but that has always been hampered by her complete lack of personality. She’s been compared to Whitney Houston and Janet Jackson, but she lacks the positive or even memorable qualities that made them stand out.

In her defense, Brandy isn’t entirely to blame for this song being as bad as it is. Part of that can also be attributed to the production, which is just messy and unpleasant to listen to. It sounds like someone was recording next to a copy machine while it was being used. There’s too much going on and it grates on my nerves when I listen to it.

What about Brandy herself? Unfortunately, she seems about as unfocused as the production. The lyrics jump all over the place, starting with Brandy complaining about not getting enough attention from her man, then telling him to just leave, then asking about all the things they did together, then calling him a liar and a phony, then complaining that she’s the one holding things together. Pick a thing to base your song around and stick with it! Are you mad that he wasn’t giving you attention, that he lied to you or that he didn’t contribute to the life you two had? Even Beyoncé was smart enough to divide the different reasons she’s mad at a guy up between different songs!

Sadly, Brandy hasn’t gotten much better as a performer since this song. In fact, I’d argue she’s gotten worse, releasing songs that basically copy this one’s production style and collaborating with the likes of Chris Brown. If there’s any consolation, it’s that she hasn’t had another top 40 hit since 2008. Let’s hope it stays that way.

#9.

Well, with the number of mediocre country ballads that charted this year, it was inevitable that at least one of them would make it on here.

#9. The Impossible (Joe Nichols) [--; 29; 6 weeks]

Remember how I said country music was one of the few genres I could tolerate in 2001? Well, the genre just became insufferable in 2002. Most country songs didn’t chart long or high, but they were right on the edges of the top 40, just popular enough to be inescapable. There were worse country songs that came out this year, but this was the worst of the ones that were true hits, and even it barely qualified.

There’s not much to say about Joe Nichols as a performer. His voice doesn’t carry any kind of authority to it that demands you listen to it and it doesn’t have the youthful energy to make a song fun. He doesn’t even have a unique singing style to stand out from all the other country artists of the time; he’s boring!

This song in particular is especially stupid because the entire idea of the song is that nothing is impossible. To give examples, he mentions how his dad, who he’d never seen cry, did so at the death of his grandfather, and how his friend broke his legs and they said he’d never walk again, but he managed to stand during graduation. Then he caps it all off by saying that his relationship with his love isn’t over and they can’t give up. So that’s what all this dramatic crap was about the whole time! Gag me.

It doesn’t help that Joe Nichols is more known for releasing songs like ‘Brokenheartsville’ or ‘Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off’. You know, some of the most “bro country” songs of their time. So, not only is writing about subjects that are supposed to be deep not exactly what he’s known for, but it turns out he also sucks at doing so. Hey Joe Nichols, you learned to not underestimate the impossible, right? Well, here’s an impossible task for you to challenge: stop being such a sleaze ball!

#8.

So, what does the term “butt rock” bring to mind for people? Most seem to associate it with the fuzzy, sludgy sound and whiny vocals that have come to be viewed as integral to things like post-grunge or rap metal. However, there are other bands besides Nickelback, Creed and Limp Bizkit that would fall under this umbrella term. Even less successful bands are not immune to the label.

#8. Wherever You Will Go (The Calling) [5; 5; 36 weeks]

The Calling was an alternative rock band from Los Angeles formed by front man Alex Band and lead guitarist Aaron Kamin, when the latter was dating the former’s sister. They originally gigged under the name ‘Generation Gap’ with a drummer twice their age and a saxophonist. They eventually dropped these two and briefly switched their name to ‘Next Door’. As Band’s voice finished developing, the pair eventually focused more on songwriting and repeatedly left demos and song ideas in the mailbox of Band’s neighbor, veteran music business executive Ron Fair. Eventually, probably because he felt sorry for them, Fair signed them a record deal with RCA, at which point the band changed their name to ‘The Calling’. 

This song was their first single and only hit, and it’s not hard to see why. It sounds no different than anything else one would hear on the radio at the time; it’s so inoffensive and unthreatening that of course it’s going to become popular. I feel like this song was solely written as an ad jingle for various serious TV show dramas or cars; there certainly doesn’t sound like anything real or genuine here.

Ignoring the fact that it sounds like the soundtrack for a commercial, I still can’t get behind this song. Part of that is because of Alex Band’s voice. First of all, what’s with the fake accent he uses all throughout the song? Is it supposed to be set in England or something? On top of that, his vocals sound like those of an annoying brat who just got dumped. The tone of the song seems to match that too, what with the melodramatic lyric choices and the overly serious sound the band’s going for. It’s honestly too ridiculous for me to buy into.

The Calling disbanded in 2005 after their second album went nowhere. Alex Band tried to reform the band with a new lineup in 2013, but they never recorded any new material and didn’t even last a year before disbanding again. I guess the world of commercial tunes just didn’t have a place for them anymore. Now we have acts like Charlie Puth and X Ambassadors to take their place. God, has pop music gone downhill since 2002…

#7.

While the music from 2002 was better than that of 2001, that didn’t necessarily mean the artists were. In some cases, we were stuck with more of the same.

#7. Down Ass Bitch (Ja Rule ft. Charli “Chuck” Baltimore) [--; 21; 9 weeks]

If there’s anything good to have come from 50 Cent, it’s that he helped destroy Ja Rule’s career. It’s kind of sad if you think about it. Most of the other record labels at the time had the big name rappers that everyone knew and were into like 50 Cent or Eminem. Meanwhile, Murder Inc. had Ja Rule. 

If there’s anything sadder than that, it’s this song because it’s probably one of Ja Rule’s better songs. The production is probably its only saving grace. Irv Gotti, founder of Murder Inc. and producer on other Ja Rule songs, handled the instrumentation and composition here, and he does a much better job setting up a smooth, sexy atmosphere than the lead rapper could ever hope to.

Unfortunately, Ja Rule hampers that atmosphere with poor lyrical choices and weak flow. So, I guess the song’s message is that every thug needs a woman who would be willing to screw, kill and die for them? Not to mention, Ja Rule continues his approach of groaning out lyrics like he has bronchitis. Also, while I was never a Charli Baltimore fan, it feels like she’s not really given much to do here; it’s outside of her wheelhouse.

Irv Gotti released a remix of this song that’s surprisingly better, probably because they got a real singer on the track. That doesn’t make up for this disaster of a song though; anything with Ja Rule on it is beyond salvaging if you ask me. Ja Rule, you might have a lady to lie for you, die for you or even kill for you, but you know what you don’t have anymore? A rap career.

#6.

#6. My Sacrifice (Creed) [20; 4; 19 weeks]

AND…

#5. One Last Breath (Creed) [27; 6; 23 weeks]

Yeah, I’m sure this big reveal has surprised precisely no one. Look, I’m sure Creed’s live performances are fine, but those aren’t what I’m reviewing. What I’m reviewing are the songs as they were released on the radio, with studio polish and everything. In that regard, their music is awful. It also doesn’t help that these songs were off of the band’s worst album.

‘My Sacrifice’ is the less awful between the two, but not by much. Most of my readers might recall me naming this song as a dishonorable mention on my worst of 2001 list, so I guess the fact that it placed on the list proper for this year should be an indication of how much better 2002 was compared to 2001. The lyrics are still pretentious as hell, and even ignoring that they make no sense. Why the hell would you consider meeting with a long-lost friend a sacrifice? What’s being given up for this reunion? You just don’t feel like elaborating on that, do you? On top of that, Scott Stapp sounds like he’s passing a kidney stone.

Say what you want about ‘My Sacrifice’ though; at least it’s upbeat and almost sounds happy. The same can most definitely not be said of ‘One Last Breath’, which sounds like a funeral dirge. It’s one of those songs where you put it on, zone out and completely forget you’re listening to it. Also, the song’s so formulaic it uses the four chords of pop and demonstrates no shame about hammering that into you. It wastes the talent of the people involved, and again, Scott Stapp is his usual awful self.

I just don’t get what the appeal of Creed was supposed to be. As far as I can tell, they were the world’s warm-up to Nickelback. They ended up disbanding in 2004 because of tensions between members of the band. They briefly reformed in 2009 before relationship issues caused them to break up again. Stapp was apparently still convinced that they could work together again despite their differences, though considering how sour things have gotten between them, I’m not sure reforming again is going to happen anytime soon. Even if it did, does anyone seriously want that? No they don’t. Moving on!

#4.

Speaking of artists who were just warm-ups for other acts…

#4. Just a Friend 2002 (Mario) [34; 4; 15 weeks]

To those that consider Chris Brown the original Usher wannabe, I commend you for being able to forget that this little puke stain exists. Allow me to now spoil your innocence anew by reintroducing you to Mario. No, not that Mario, though trust me, you’ll be wishing for Bowser to shoot fireballs at him by the time we’re done here.

The song this one blatantly steals from is ‘Just a Friend’ by Biz Markie from 1989, during the golden age of hip hop. That song told a cautionary tale of a guy who fell for a girl who goes on to cheat on him. It told a cohesive story that worked for what it was, and despite not being able to sing, Biz Markie’s vocals on this song have become iconic.

Now, how best to completely tarnish this important piece of popular culture? Well, let’s start by recontextualizing the song to be from the perspective of an obnoxious creep that’s butthurt over being friend-zoned. Then, let’s make sure we hand it off to a guy with no personality or charisma, who has the voice of a whiny teenager. Finally, let’s give it this hip, ghetto production makeover to complete the song’s transformation into a disposable piece of garbage.

I have no reason to believe that any artistic thought went into this. As for Mario, he barely had a few other hits besides this. I wouldn’t recommend any of them; this was his high point, believe it or not. I’m not sure if I should be grateful or mortified that Chris Brown came along and rendered him obsolete, but as far as I can tell none of the other Usher wannabes were worth mention either. We already had Usher; we didn’t need more of him.

#3.

None of Madonna’s music after 1999 is worth listening to. None of it.

#3. Die Another Day (Madonna) [--; 8; 10 weeks]

After the release of the previous Bond single, ‘The World is Not Enough’ by Garbage, MGM decided they wanted a high-profile artist to perform the theme to the next film. Naturally, rather than a younger, more relevant artist who wasn’t past their prime, they went with Madonna. I never watched the films, so I’m not sure what would be considered the series’ most iconic theme, but I’m guessing it wouldn’t be this one.

As far as the production is concerned, this song is a mess. The instrumentation jumps back and forth between an orchestral sound and an electroclash dance number. There are no elements to connect the two outside of Madonna’s vocals, which are given this annoying stuttered editing effect and so much autotune that T-Pain would say she’s overdoing it.

That leaves the lyrics, which are somehow even worse. Madonna stated that she adapted the song to the theme of the film, which she described as a metaphor for “destroying one’s ego”. The only connection I see to that in the song is Madonna using that statement pretty much word for word in one line of the second verse. I’d talk about the chorus, but I’m not sure the song even has a chorus. All you get are variations of Madonna repeating the phrase “I guess I’ll die another day”, with some stuttered, some not and one ending with her just saying “Sigmund Freud/Analyze this”.

If Madonna had stopped singing after this song, it would likely be her worst. Now that a decade has come and gone and she’s released more music with increasing levels of embarrassment, it probably wouldn’t even make her bottom five. Still, since I likely won’t be getting to talk about her more recent singles, I’ll settle with this for now.

#2.

Remember when I said I didn’t have anything against religious music? Well, I’m starting to think maybe I do, at least subconsciously, because I keep putting songs that are about religion or are by Christian artists on these lists. It’s not because of the themes they bring up, usually. It’s generally because the songs in question just suck.

#2. Youth of the Nation (P.O.D.) [--; 28; 7 weeks]

If there were anything more embarrassing than listening to Christian rock, it would probably be listening to Christian rap. What would probably be even more humiliating still would likely be Christian rap metal. The likes of Limp Bizkit already paint the genre of regular rap metal as being whiny and obnoxious, but adding religion to it doesn’t make it better. All it does is make it preachy and even less fun.

For starters, the lyrics to this song just feel clumsy as hell. It tries to tell a series of tragedies to make it sound intense and thought provoking. Instead, it just sounds like it’s trying too hard and yet not trying hard enough. Just because a serious story is being told, that doesn’t automatically give it a pass to be taken seriously. You have to make it compelling, make me care about the people involved. I don’t feel like the writers of this song cared about any of the people they describe in these tragic stories.

This is also apparent in the instrumentation and vocals. The drums are the primary driving force, yet they feel too soft to bring any kind of swell or intensity. The guitar feels painfully weak and even the solo just left me zoning out until the rapper came back in. Speaking of which, front man Sonny Sandoval has all the intensity of one of the speakers in an anti-drug PSA being presented to elementary school children. Oh God, the choir of children at the end, the guitar licks at the beginning of the song, the transparent pandering to disaffected youth…This thing wants to be ‘Another Brick in the Wall’ so badly, to which I have to say, “Hey! P.O.D.! Leave Pink Floyd alone!”

P.O.D. have said this song was inspired by the shootings that took place at Santana High School and Columbine High School back in 2001, and it can’t bring any of the sadness and tragedy of these events to the song. Instead it just sounds like it’s more focused on trying to be “hard core”. It feels like they were trying to capitalize on real events where people died, and that just makes me sick to my stomach to consider. I hope you’re happy with yourselves, P.O.D. Also, go eat a dick you self-righteous pricks.

#1.

There are some terrible bands I would love to tear apart on one of these lists. Sadly, Limp Bizkit is one I’ll need to pass over because none of their songs charted in the top 40. It’s a shame really; I would jump at the opportunity to vent about them because they rightly deserve it. In lieu of that, I’ll settle with a band that front man Fred Durst gave his blessing to.

#1. She Hates Me (Puddle of Mudd) [--; 13; 10 weeks]

With some songs, it’s easy to explain what it is that makes them terrible. In some cases, I struggle a bit because I can’t exactly identify what about the song makes it not work. In the case of ‘She Hates Me’ by Puddle of Mudd, I find myself in kind of a middle ground where the song’s badness speaks for itself, but if I were to cover everything wrong with it this last part of the list would be an essay in and of itself. So, for the sake of not boring my readers to death, I’ll try to keep it brief.

Let’s start with the lyrics. They talk about a guy entering a relationship with a girl that, for some inexplicable reason, fell apart. The song tries to paint the girl in question as the one that ruined everything, but considering Wes Scantlin is singing the song I find that highly unlikely. Also, this songwriting just feels clumsy. Words are used so haphazardly that it feels like they were chosen purely because they rhymed. Hell, in some cases they don’t rhyme at all! Furthermore, they use the nonsense syllables “la la la” in place of real lyrics.

Then there’s the production and vocals. As is pretty much expected at this point, Wes Scantlin delivers every line with all the emotional heft of a giant, monotonous nose. He’s not helped by the progression, which is just the same four chords repeated endlessly all throughout the song. They don’t even stop after the song’s already had its big finish and should be over; they just keep going! It feels like they forgot to stop recording after they should’ve ended!

It’s songs like these that are the reason that rock music started to decline in the mainstream around this time. Did anyone seriously believe that Puddle of Mudd were able to get big solely on their artistic merit and not because they were given the okay by someone famous? Of course, considering how much of a douche bag Wes Scantlin has revealed himself to be after obtaining his fame, I doubt anyone would believe that now. ‘She Hates Me’ by Puddle of Mudd, a fitting pick for the worst hit song of 2002.