Hello again folks.
Back when I started these reviews, I originally wanted to explore the music of
my childhood and compare it to the music scene of today. However, I wouldn’t
say I’ve exactly done much exploration of the music scene of my childhood. Back
when I did my ’91 lists, I was just exploring the stuff that was around the
year I was born, not the stuff I actually remembered. So join me folks, as we
take yet another leap back into that now seemingly distant decade known simply
as the ‘90s. It sure has been a while since I last looked back at this decade,
hasn’t it? About one and a half years now, right?
Anyway, this
particular choice of year was actually done by popular demand. One of my
friends that selected it specifically stated that he chose it because he
believed this to be the best year of the ‘90s for music. And it’s not hard to
see why he would say that. The music from this year certainly was better than
that of 1991, on the whole anyway. In fact, I actually struggled with putting
together the worst list for this year just because there were so few songs that
I genuinely hated. Furthermore, most of the songs that were bad were mostly bad
for uninteresting reasons. Don’t think for a second that we’re not going to be
finding some truly festering turds that were rightly left behind though,
because while the bad stuff wasn’t all that bad, the really bad songs are in
fact quite awful. As far as bad music goes, there wasn’t much middle ground;
either the music was just ‘meh’ or it was horrendous. And trust me, there will
be a noticeable drop off in quality between the two on this list.
Before we get to
that, however, let’s take a moment to look at some of the songs that fell
squarely into the middle of the ‘meh’ category:
Baby (Brandy) [37; 4; 18 weeks]
This is probably
one of the blander songs that came out this year. I realize that repetition is
the key component of any catchy pop song, but seriously, did they really need
to repeat the word ‘baby’ 97 times in this song? Seriously? 97? That’s almost
twice as many times as the song ‘Crazy’ by K-Ci and Jojo used the word ‘Crazy!’
And even if you’re willing to look past that, the music doesn’t do anything
interesting in the slightest. This instrumentation doesn’t do anything to set
the proper tone that the song needs. The song needs to have a sweet, romantic
feel to it. Instead, what we get is this forgettable R&B cheese that
wouldn’t sound out of place on a bad ‘90s cartoon based around some random
celebrity and their crazy adventures. Well, I know what it’s time to say, and
it’s certainly not ‘Baby, baby.’ Next!
Let Her Cry (Hootie & the Blowfish) [26;
9; 25 weeks]
Ah, adult
alternative. This genre is kind of a mixed bag, even back in its early years.
On the one hand, you would get actually good, interesting, thought-provoking
artists like R.E.M., and on the other hand, you’d get acts like Hootie and the
Blowfish. Apparently the band’s front man, Darius Rucker has stated that the
song’s subject matter was based on his own past. The song describes a man
trying to keep his relationship with his alcoholic wife from falling apart.
Darius Rucker’s past had him in that position, but with the roles reversed,
with him as the irresponsible drunk and his girlfriend trying to keep things
together. I guess this isn’t a bad premise for a song, but I feel like, if that
was the case, Darius Rucker might not be the best person to be trying to tell a
story like this from that perspective. I mean, okay, maybe he came to
understand the pain his girlfriend was going through in that situation. But
even so, to label her as the irresponsible drunk after she was the one trying
to keep things together just feels disrespectful to me. Maybe that’s just me
and maybe I’m in the minority on this, but seriously Darius Rucker, you’re coming
across as kind of a douche bag. Stop trying to shift blame and grow the hell
up.
Pretty Girl (Jon B.) [--; 25; 10 weeks]
Yeech, this song
is just sleezy. It’s just some frat boy douche bag’s attempts to convince a
girl to sleep with him. Yes, some artists can present the idea that they can
provide mind-meltingly hot sex and actually come across like they actually
could. However, I think it’s safe to say that this Jon B. guy is not one of
those people. This guy has no personality whatsoever. I mean, he doesn’t even
have a real stage name! “Jon B.?” That’s not a pop star’s name; that’s the name
of a guy that works retail at a grocery store! This guy and this song serve no
purpose and aren’t even worthy of my time. Next!
House Of Love (Amy Grant & Vince Gill)
[--; 37; 4 weeks]
I honestly don’t
think this song is all that bad. It’s just not really something that catches my
attention. Maybe there are people out there that like this kind of music, this
kind of soft, pop-y, Christian-y sounding music that sounds kind of sterile and
not all that engaging. To them I just have to say, here is a song for you; you
can have it. Just don’t go trying to play it for me because I have no interest
in hearing it.
Run Away (The Real McCoy) [38; 3; 17 weeks]
Ah, house music,
yet another genre that was pretty big this year. However, unlike adult
alternative, which at least was half-and-half as far as good to bad artists
were concerned, the house dance movement was mostly just not that interesting
anymore by the time this year rolled around. However, this song in particular
bothers me more than most of its kind. And it’s a shame I have to say that
because the chorus is actually pretty good. However, the verses really drag it
down. Why? Because they’re incredibly hypocritical. I mean, they talk about how
people keeping to the hive-mind mentality and letting themselves be dictated by
the powers that be is bad, yet the song is clearly letting itself be dictated
by the trends of the time. You can’t tell someone that they need to “keep the
faith” in the way things are and also “run away!” Those are two conflicting
mentalities! God, this song…
Can’t Cry Anymore (Sheryl Crow) [--; 36; 6
weeks]
From what I could
tell, Sheryl Crow seemed to be the poor man’s Alanis Morissette. I mean, they
came out around the same time, both artists have fairly similar sound, neither
of them exactly have a great singing voice. Yeah, Sheryl Crow may have been the
first one to have a hit, but I don’t hear anyone talking about any of her songs
anymore nowadays, at least from the people I know. I wouldn’t call this song
her worst, but it’s certainly not very good. So, apparently the song’s about
how the narrator has had enough of a bad relationship and thus has stolen her
ex’s car, moved to Texas, snarks about how their relationship wasn’t satisfying
her, then goes on about her issues with paying taxes and her brother’s heroin
problems, and ultimately decides that she can’t cry over her whole life going
to shit. Since the song’s release, she’s gone on to say that the song reflects
her frustrations about the Iraq War and the direction the government was going
in. However, it was written long before these events occurred, so I can only
assume she was just pulling that meaning out of her ass. Honestly, more than
anything, this song just sounds like mindless venting, like she was trying to
write a song about something but couldn’t decide what to complain about on the
song and just decided to toss everything in together and blend it into this
mess. There’s no focus for all her frustration; she’s just venting everything
all at once without a clear statement of what she’s angry about. Now, I
understand that frustration and anger don’t have to be focused. But when you’re
going to spend the entire first verse and possibly also the chorus on one thing
only to immediately shift gears and start ranting about every other little
thing in your life that’s gone wrong, it sounds more like you’re grasping at
straws trying to find justification for your bitterness without actually having
anything to do so. Look, if you want to write a break-up song going on about
how great things are now that you’ve broken up with the guy, fine; do that.
Just don’t go veering off topic and whining about every other reason your life
sucks on top of that. That’s not good songwriting; that’s just sloppy! Forget
this!
I Wish (Skee-Lo) [58; 13; 13 weeks]
Then again, I
would probably be more willing to sympathize with Sheryl Crow when compared to
this whining idiot. The sad part is that this song probably could have worked.
A song about an underdog not good enough for the object of his affections? I
could probably get behind that. A guy talking about how he wants a better car
than the cheap-looking piece of crap one he has that makes it even harder for
him to get with a girl? That’s probably something else I could sympathize with,
honestly. However, he also feels the need to talk about how he isn’t satisfied
with the girls that actually do have some interest in him, tells them to fuck
off, then gets hospitalized for his stupidity and presumably goes off to whine
about it later before resuming his douche baggery once he leaves the hospital.
Also, maybe this is just me, but this guy’s flow just bothers me. I can’t quite
put my finger on it, but something about it just sounds like it’s dragging at
points. And there are also points where it feels like he needed to come up with
a word to fill up space to fit the song’s rhythm and just went with the first
thing that came to his mind. This even includes a blatant lyrical lift from the
song “For What It’s Worth,” the Buffalo Springfield protest song. I guess I can
understand why other people would like this song, to some degree, but I just
don’t feel like this song is for me.
Total Eclipse Of the Heart (Nicki French)
[19; 2; 21 weeks]
I’ve said before
that I liked Bonnie Tyler’s ‘Total Eclipse Of the Heart.’ And that’s for a
pretty simple reason: the song just feels grand and powerful. It has a sense of
bigness to it, and that’s helped all the more by Bonnie Tyler’s rougher, more
earnest sounding vocals. All that’s dropped from this version though, which
swapped out the slower, more powerful music with generic dance pop. Whatever
sense of atmosphere was in the original is completely absent here. Also, it doesn’t
help that this version also cut out entire segments of the song, including part
of the prechorus after the first verse. Listening to this version only serves
to demonstrate to me just why people aren’t fans of this particular genre. And
I say this as someone that knows that there is good dance music out there,
stuff that presents atmosphere and raw emotion. This, however? This is just
empty musical fluff, plain and simple.
This Lil’ Game We Play (Subway ft. 702) [68;
15; 14 weeks]
Ugh, so much
cheese. I’ve said I’m tolerant of cheese to some degree but this isn’t even the
good kind. This song is the equivalent of the month-old cheese left in the back
of the fridge that you fish out to find something growing on it. The production
on this song is just disappointing and forgettable, the singers sound like
teenagers that were given the briefest of singing lessons right before being
dragged into the studio to sing this and the lyrics are a smorgasbord of cheesy
one-liners. “You go hide and I will seek?” “Bein’ loose just ain’t my style?”
“Girl I’m a hard dude to beat?” These sound like lines you’d hear coming from a
little kid that thinks he’s the coolest guy in the room! This song is about as
romantic as a bad teen romance novel. It doesn’t actually make you feel like
love is in the air; it just makes you sick to your stomach. Forget this!
Now that that’s
taken care of, y’all ready for this? ‘Cause we’re counting down…
…THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF
1995!
#10.
Now,
if you remember 1995 at all, you’re most likely familiar with some of the big
films that came out around that time. The films that come to mind for me in
particular are the animated Disney films, specifically ‘A Goofy Movie,’ ‘Toy
Story,’ and ‘Pocahontas.’ All three of them have their own musical soundtracks
that feature at least one song. Whether or not said songs are actually
memorable may be up for debate, particularly with ‘A Goofy Movie,’ but all
things considered, the soundtracks to these films weren’t really all that bad.
But it’s not really up for debate which songs are the most memorable of each
film: for ‘A Goofy Movie’ most people will say it’s ‘After Today,’ for Toy
Story it’s ‘You’ve Got a Friend In Me,’ and for ‘Pocahontas,’ it’s
unquestionably ‘Colors Of the Wind.’ Now, between the three, I’d probably
choose ‘Colors Of the Wind’ as my favorite, just because it’s got that grand
atmosphere to it. It legitimately feels like the listener is being surrounded
by and is exploring all the wonders of nature. The rest of the songs in the
film, and even the film itself, were really not much to talk about, but that
one musical number was pretty much what made that film.
However,
as with many Disney films at the time, there was a second version of the song
recorded, one performed by a pop star of the time. And yes, that version was
the one that ended up becoming a hit.
#10. Colors Of the Wind (Vanessa Williams)
[31; 4; 19 weeks]
Disney,
when are you going to learn? Having a current pop star cover a song from one of
your animated films is never a good idea. The end result never turns out well.
I mean, if a song performed in the film is done by a pop star already it
usually turns out fine, but not when it’s originally performed as a musical
number for the film and then a current pop star does a cover of it that gets
included in the end credits. And yet, the ‘90s seemed to see them doing this
continuously! And almost all of them became hits! I mean, you’ve got Peabo
Bryson and Regina Belle’s rendition of ‘A Whole New World’ from ‘Aladdin,’ Bette
Midler’s cover of ‘God Help the Outcasts’ from ‘The Hunchback Of Notre Dame,’
Christina Aguilera’s cover of the ‘Mulan’ song ‘Reflection,’ Michael Bolton’s
cover of ‘Go the Distance’ from ‘Hercules,’ yet another Peabo Bryson duet with
Celine Dion for their cover of the title track for ‘Beauty and the Beast,’ and Elton
John’s rendition of ‘Can You Feel the Love Tonight’ from ‘The Lion King’ (which,
being completely honest here, wasn’t really that good of a song to begin with;
sorry). I realize that animated films didn’t have their own category at the
time and Disney wanted to make Oscar bait songs, but even so, they didn’t have
to suck as much as these did! Hell, they’re even continuing to do this today,
if Demi Lovato’s cover of ‘Let It Go’ is any indication!
And
really, the main reason these cover versions don’t work is pretty much all for
the same reason. The artists in question are taking what were originally
timeless songs, songs that have the charm that make them listenable to anyone
at any age, and then turning them into these dull, dated, tedious ballads. And
‘Colors Of the Wind’ is yet another example of such. Say what you want about
‘Pocahontas’ and all its historical inaccuracy; at least it had that one song
that everyone thought was decent enough. It was timeless, it had atmosphere and
it was just a really good song. Vanessa Williams’s cover, however, cuts out all
of those elements in favor of making it slow, dull and lifeless. And
furthermore, with her performance, I am less inclined to believe her when she
talks about being in tune with nature and stuff because she’s so self-indulgent
on this song and it clearly sounds like she was more interested in sounding
pretty than sounding genuine.
Now,
in all fairness, I don’t blame Vanessa Williams for this cover being as bad as
it is. I just don’t feel like she was the right fit for this song. I actually
didn’t mind that many of her songs at the time, even though she kind of started
out as a poor man’s Janet Jackson. She actually did evolve past that and became
a legitimately interesting artist in her own right. This, however, is a huge
disappointment coming from her. I feel like it’s kind of understandable why
this song ended up being her final hit. I mean, if it were any good, don’t you
think people would’ve been more inclined to let her continue having hits
afterwards? Vanessa Williams, I’m sure you’re a good person and a decent
singer, but seriously, this was just depressing to sit through.
#9.
So,
when it comes to bad ‘90s music, what have we covered already? Let’s see,
tired, overdone house music, terribly cheesy hip-hop, bland adult-alternative
music…What’s something else we can throw in there that we haven’t covered
already? Well, I guess when it comes to bad ‘90s music, particularly from the
early ‘90s, there’s always one artist people can name as one of the worst at
the time: Michael Bolton.
#9. Can I Touch You…There? (Michael Bolton) [--;
27; 6 weeks]
Right,
let’s get the obvious joke out of the way right now. Ahem. “Bad touch! Bad touch!”
Okay, yes; I
realize that Michael Bolton had hits before the ‘90s. The ‘90s were when he was
at his biggest though, particularly the early ‘90s. Now, all things considered,
whatever negative qualities people have to say about him as an artist, ultimately
he was harmless enough. Even within the soft rock genre, you could do a whole
lot worse, and I’ll be getting to how much worse later. However, I feel like
this is one of the songs in Michael Bolton’s discography that the man actively
ruins just by being on the song. While I might be able to understand vaguely
why people would hate his other songs, I can clearly see what people hate about
this one.
For
starters, let’s talk about the subject matter and lyrics of the song. Now, for
the most part, Bolton is known for writing cheesy songs about how great love is
and the power of love and what have you. As I said, it’s benign and harmless,
so there’s nothing really worth getting your panties in a twist over. In
contrast, this song has a bit of a more…adult subject matter to it. Yeah, it’s
a song about sex. And there’s nothing wrong with that; a song can be about
whatever the artist wants it to be about. However, just looking at the lyrics
and listening to Bolton’s nails-on-a-chalkboard performance shows that this is
definitely not something that’s the right fit for him. Bolton is a lover and a
romantic; not a very good singer, but what’re you gonna do? This song is just
not who Bolton is as an artist. Maybe in real life, he’s nailed tons of women.
What do I know? But he cannot present himself as being that kind of person
through his choice of lyrics on this song. In fact, these lyrics make him seem
less seductive and more…creepy. Seriously, “Can I touch you there?” “Tell me
every secret darlin’?” “I just hunger for your love?” “All I wanna do is touch
ya baby?” “Love is takin’ over, gotta let it in?” Yeah, with lyrics like these,
I think I can understand why this song didn’t really catch on with people, and
why none of the other singles off of this album charted.
And
it’s a shame I have to put it that way, because the music to this song is
honestly not that bad. It’s got this smooth, tribal sound going for it that
legitimately does a much better job setting the tone for the song than Michael
Bolton himself does. Seriously, if this music had been given to a different
artist and had better writers behind it, it might have been a much better song
than this. Like, maybe someone could sample the music from this song and do
something with it. I mean, okay, chances are it would still be terrible
considering the kinds of artists that tend to rely heavily on sampling
nowadays. But it might at least have a chance of being something good, better
than this at least!
Michael
Bolton would manage one more hit song after this…and it’s his cover of the ‘Hercules’
song ‘Go the Distance.’ I believe I’ve already touched on my thoughts on the
subject surrounding that particular song, so I won’t indulge any further. And
I’ve certainly said more than I’d care to about this song. It’s just a disaster
that doesn’t do anything to justify Michael Bolton’s music career. No, Michael
Bolton, you may not touch me “there.” In fact, I don’t think I would have any
interest in being anywhere near you after hearing this.
#8.
Now,
if I might take a moment to be positive for a bit, let’s consider one of the
better acts to spawn from the ‘90s: TLC. This is an excellent group, and it’s a
shame they weren’t bigger than they were because they’re probably among the
more positive things to come from ‘90s music. In a time when the pop charts
were gradually being overtaken by the likes of adult-alternative and house
music, TLC were a breath of fresh air. And even with their less powerful
singles that would come later in the decade like ‘No Scrubs’ and ‘Unpretty,’
they still had amazing chemistry and sounded wonderful.
Of
course, when you have actual good artists like this dominating the pop charts
like they did back in 1995, that just makes it all the more disappointing when
less impressive acts appear and try to copy their formula.
#8. He’s Mine (MoKenStef) [40; 7; 18 weeks]
Just
like how TLC’s group name was built around the first letters of each of the
members’ names, MoKenStef’s name is built around the names of each of the
group’s members: Monifa Bethune, Kenya Hadley and Stefanie Sinclair. Unlike
TLC, however, MoKenStef lacked any kind of staying power. They had a grand
total of a single album and attempted to release another single to launch their
second, but that didn’t end up succeeding and the group disbanded by 2000.
They’ve since reformed, but I’ve heard no word about if they’re actually
planning on touring or releasing more songs. This song ended up being their
most successful, being their only song to chart in the top 40. I have no idea
why that is because it’s probably their worst song.
What
makes it so bad? Well, let’s start by talking about the song’s subject matter
and lyrics. I made the comparison to TLC before, but if anything this song
makes them seem to have more in common with a song, not by TLC, but by Dream. I
say this because, much like how Dream’s biggest hit was a song about a girl
talking down another girl for trying to get with their man, MoKenStef’s ‘He’s
Mine’ is a song about a woman in a relationship with a guy that’s also sleeping
with another woman, and this song is supposed to be about the narrator putting
this other woman down for trying to get with her man. So, I guess, in some
regard, this song is better than ‘He Loves U Not’ in that it actually gives us
justification for why the narrator is trying to put down this other woman.
However, in pretty much every other aspect this song is just as bad if not
worse than ‘He Loves U Not,’ because at least in that song the only one that
came across badly was the narrator. In this song, every party involved in this
entire affair comes out looking bad. The guy comes across as disloyal, the
other girl comes across like she’s trying to steal the narrator’s man and the
narrator comes across as a complete bitch for rubbing the fact that the man is
hers in the other woman’s face.
Another
way in which this song isn’t as good as ‘He Loves U Not’ is that, while that
song wasn’t salvageable, it at least had decent production behind it that
might’ve redeemed it otherwise. There’s nothing like that saving this song
though. The production is so dull and slow it feels less like I’m listening to
a diss track and more like I’m listening to some teenage girls doing drunken
karaoke. Also, that electric keyboard just grates on my nerves. And good God
that bass line…
Like
I said, MoKenStef didn’t really see a lot of success after this, and they’d
disband five years later. If this song and the lack of any further hits are any
indication, I don’t think people were exactly clamoring for their return.
Though apparently someone did want them back, because they reformed in 2014.
Still though, I can’t understand why they would if they’re not going to be
doing any kind of comeback tours or releasing new material or anything to
celebrate their return. You may have had us once, MoKenStef, but not anymore.
#7.
As
it happens, bland, unpleasant R&B wasn’t the only genre we’d be seeing
cropping up in 1995. No, this year would also be seeing another genre starting
to appear. A genre that attracts artists that are so bad that, even to this
day, people are still talking about how much they hate it. Yes folks, once
again, we’re going to be paying a visit to our old friend: the white guy with
acoustic guitar.
I honestly really
didn’t want to have to talk about this genre that often when I started doing
these lists. Everyone else has already talked about this genre and pointed out
exactly why it sucks. I just don’t know what I could possibly contribute to the
conversation about this genre besides talking about other songs that haven’t
already been covered. Though, considering most of the artists I talk about on
my worst lists are people no one remembers or cares about, like Ryan Cabrera
and Extreme, I just feel like I’m hilariously unequipped to talk about this.
But, this song made the list, so I’m going to talk about it as best I can. With
all that said, let me introduce you to Jamie Walters.
#7. Hold On (Jamie Walters) [52; 16; 20
weeks]
Jamie Walters actually started out as an
actor, with his most famous roles being on the shows ‘Beverly Hills, 90210’ and
‘The Heights.’ He actually sang the theme song to the latter, and that theme
song made it to #1 on the hot 100 in November of 1992 for two weeks. Two years
later, he released his self-titled debut album, with this song being the first
single off of that album, and peaking in the top 20, with the album going on to
sell over 1 million copies and be certified platinum. Considering the
difference in popularity between this song and the theme song to ‘The Heights,’
and the fact that none of the other singles off of that album saw the same
level of success, I’ll have to assume that people were mostly buying this album
based on the strength of that theme song, because this song is truly, truly
awful.
Now,
before I continue, I want to make the point that I don’t inherently hate the
entire genre of ‘white guy with acoustic guitar’ songs on principle. I think
that there are plenty of good songs in the genre out there, like Mr. Big’s ‘To
Be With You’ or pretty much anything by Simon and Garfunkel. It’s just
unfortunate that the genre tends to attract some of the most talentless,
broiest, most insincere people you can possibly think of. At least that’s the
impression I get from listening to a lot of the more modern songs from the
genre. And wow, does Jamie Walters come across as incredibly insincere on this
song. And that insincerity is apparent right in the first five lines of the
song:
I
don’t wanna see you ever sad
And
everything that I’ve got you can have
When
it’s all too much
You
need some human touch
To
see that it’s really not so bad
Right, so you’re saying that you’ll
give her everything and provide her with ‘human touch’ to make her not sad.
Already this song sounds terribly sleazy to me. The general m. o. of most white
guys with acoustic guitar tends to be the same thing: to make the girls that
are hearing the song believe they’re sensitive and caring and make them want to
sleep with them. But see, they’re generally not very good at disguising this because
they tend to be neither of those things. All you have to do to see them for the
bro-y, douche-y slime balls that they are is listen to their choice of lyrics.
These opening lines, for example, right off the bat give away this guy’s
objective because of how transparent and phony they sound. And it’s not just
those lines either; even the chorus is like this:
Hold
on, ‘til you feel a little stronger
Hold
on to me
Hold
on, everything’s gonna be alright
Just
hold on to me tonight
That chorus is stuffed with little
more than tired cliché phrases that even a teenager would groan at. “Hold on to
me.” “Everything’s gonna be alright.” And it even ends on the word ‘tonight.’
Did Jamie Walters just have no ideas in his mind when he put this song
together?
Now, I could
nitpick this song line by line, but if I did I’d be on this entry all day. So
let me just sum up this entire song for you: “I will be there for you when
you’re sad.” That’s the message of the song. As far as reassuring statements
go, you could probably do worse. However, considering how this guy is framing
himself, I can’t say this really holds much water. He keeps placing himself on
this pedestal and acting like he’s the beat-all end-all option she can take to
make herself not sad anymore. Anyone can tell someone they’ll be there for
them, but listening to this guy, I just don’t feel like his actions would
actually back up his words. In fact, his single he released right after this
one only serves to prove that point. It’s called ‘Why,’ and it’s about a guy
that’s confused as to why this girl he likes keeps “running away” from him. It
really says some sad things about you when you try to write a love song for a
girl and she’s doing everything she can to get away from you within the context
of your own song.
Anyway, Jamie
Walters has been working as a fireman since around early 2004, and focused
primarily on his family and his job but stated that he would be interested in
getting back into music at some point. However, around 2009, he appeared in a
VH1 reality show where former teen idols try to revive their careers.
Considering the lack of continued success he’s had since then, and the fact
that he hasn’t released any new albums since around 2002, I can’t say people
are exactly clamoring for his return to pop music. Ladies, gentlemen, if you
are sad and alone and feel like you need someone to hold on to, do yourselves a
favor: make sure it’s not this guy.
#6.
I
honestly don’t even know how to introduce this next song. Most of you would
probably argue that it’s not really bad enough to warrant putting on this list.
That’s really the biggest problem with most of the songs on this list: they
really aren’t bad enough to be worth hating. I can’t really project enough bile
or outrage over these songs because, as bad as most of them are, they’re not
really even bad in any of the fun ways. And I don’t think I can find a song on
this list more devoid of fun in its badness than this next one.
#6. Dream About You (Stevie B.) [92; 29; 12
weeks]
As
it happens, Stevie B. is an artist from a genre that also includes an artist
I’ve actually touched on briefly on a previous list. You remember the Timmy T.
song ‘One More Try’ from my worst of ’91 list? Yep, these two artists are
actually from the same genre: freestyle music. It’s a form of electronic dance
music from the ‘80s that saw its greatest period of success between the late
‘80s and early ‘90s. It started out as a fusion of synthetic instrumentation
and syncopated percussion from ‘80s electro music, and also incorporated
sampling. The genre really took off in 1987, but lost steam by 1992 as house
music started to take over. Stevie here was one of the few artists that managed
to survive the decline of freestyle, if only briefly. And he apparently survived
by transitioning away from freestyle and making dull, lifeless ballads like
this.
It’s
worth noting that this was his last top 40 hit song, and listening to this song
I can see why. On a lyrical level, it’s pretty bland. The song’s chock full of
tired ‘dreaming of you’ clichés like, “You’re in my arms/Here next to me,
forever,” “Just close my eyes/Wait for my dreams,” “When you love someone/You
got to learn to let them go” and “Just close my eyes/Wait for my dreams/Cause I
still love, loving you.” As for the message of the song as a whole, it sounds
like he’s singing to a former flame, talking about how he regrets breaking up
with her and now can only find comfort through his dreams about her. ‘Cause
that’s not creepy at all! Going a bit off topic here though, what led you to
decide you needed to break up with this girl if you loved her so much? “When
you love someone/You got to learn to let them go?” What kind of excuse is that?
That’s not a valid reason to need to break up with someone! That’s not a valid
reason for anything! That’s just stupid! You’re
stupid!
Then
there’s the dull-as-dog-food production. The song is primarily driven by a
piano, with the percussion sounding like it’s being produced by machine. And
then the second verse happens and the bass line kicks in, sounding just like
the same, melting bass line from ‘One More Try.’ Like, seriously, they sound
almost exactly the same. And ugh, does the music to this song just blow. This
music makes me want to fall asleep anytime I listen to it. It’s like this dull,
unenthused drill boring into your skull while you’re too high on painkillers to
notice or care that it’s doing so. This is by far the most boring song I heard
from this year. And this was the same year that saw us getting ‘Breakfast At Tiffany’s’
by Deep Blue Something, ‘You Are Not Alone’ by Michael Jackson and not one, not
two, but four Hootie & the Blowfish songs!
I
don’t even know what else I can say about this song. It’s flat, it’s boring,
it’s unconvincing and it was the final nail in the coffin regarding any further
success for…fuck, I’ve already forgotten this guy’s name. Suzy Q.? Sandra D.?
Eh, I’m sure it wasn’t important anyway; the song certainly isn’t. Next!
#5.
One
friend once mentioned that the ‘90s were still kind of an ‘innocent’ time for
rap music. I would argue that that’s not really the case, since we were still
getting rap songs from the likes of the Notorious B.I.G., Coolio, Snoop Dogg
and Dr. Dre, who all wrote songs about not very innocent things. The genre wasn’t
entirely down and dirty just yet like it would go on to be in the 2000s, but it
was hardly innocent. I mean, I guess I can see how that speculation could be
made based on the early ‘90s, since that gave us ridiculous pop rap songs from
the likes of Marky Mark and Heavy D, but by 1995, the genre had started to take
itself more seriously, for the most part.
That’s
not to say that there weren’t still artists out there that didn’t do any favors
for the genre though…
#5. Give It 2 You (Da Brat) [98; 34; 6
weeks]
This
is Shawntae Harris, better known by her stage name Da Brat. She apparently
chose this stage name because she was, “a spoiled only child”. Well, I
certainly believe the ‘spoiled’ part of that, because as far as female rappers
go, she really isn’t all that good, at least on this song anyway. Her producer
apparently sold her as a female version of Snoop Doggy Dogg, which I can kind
of see, but I feel like she can’t really hold a candle to him. Back in the day,
Snoop Dogg would endorse killing cops and seemed like a fairly dangerous,
controversial rapper. Da Brat was this pint-sized little twerp who talked up a
lot more game than she could actually back up.
To
be fair, not everything about ‘Give It 2 You’ by Da Brat is awful. Her flow
actually is decent enough and the production on the track is pretty solid. As
it happens, Ms. Harris was actually one of the producers on this song, along
with Jermaine Dupri, who would go on to produce work for Usher, Monica and for
Mariah Carey’s ‘The Emancipation Of Mimi’ album, her 2005 album that
reestablished her career after she hit a bit of a low point. I could probably
imagine grooving to this song if I just took those into account and disregarded
the lyrics.
Sadly though, the
lyrics are where this song really falls flat on its face. For starters, she
apparently still thinks she’s in her teens, because she seems to believe she’s
being edgy by using the phrase ‘negroes and hoes’ twice in the song, once in
each verse. “Ooh, I’m using words that are normally looked down upon for people
to use! I’m so hip and cool!” And I can definitely see where the Snoop Dogg
comparison would be coming from because she even copies his ‘spelling my own
name’ thing right at the beginning of the song. In addition, she seems to have
a thing for taking up a lot of space in her verses, yet saying absolutely
nothing. “Now it goes like this and dat how it goes.” “So listen up, make sure
you listen up well/And don’t miss shit cuz this bitch be bad as hell.” “Don’t
get no betta/Betta it don’t get no mo.” “From the bottom 2 the top, top 2
bottom I go.” I know that lines in rap music tend to be there just so rappers
can show off their word play without necessarily saying anything of value, but
even so this is weak. Was it just a thing in the ‘90s for bad rappers to
pointlessly repeat a phrase they just said practically word for word only with
the words slightly rearranged? That’s not impressive; that’s just lazy!
Now, having
listened through her discography, I honestly don’t think Da Brat was a terrible
artist. Like I said, I think it’s impressive she at least did part of her own
production work on her songs and she does have pretty good flow as a rapper.
It’s just a shame that flow was matched with not terribly impressive lyrics.
However, this wouldn’t be the worst female rapper we’d be seeing cropping up
this year. We’ll be addressing that disaster later though.
#4.
I
don’t care for Bryan Adams. I just don’t think he’s a very interesting
performer. Nothing about any of his songs really jumps out at me as being
particularly noteworthy or outstanding. Most people point to ‘Summer Of ‘69’ as
his best song, and for some his only good song, but honestly I can’t even say I
cared for that song. It just wore out its welcome really quickly, and I can’t
imagine myself wanting to go back and listen to it regularly.
As for Bryan Adams
at his worst, well, most people point to ‘(Everything I Do) I Do It For You.’
Again though, I can’t say that song particularly stood out to me. I just found
it dull and lacking in intrigue. Yeah, the sentiment being expressed in the
song was stupid and demonstrated quite a bit of immaturity, but ultimately I
wouldn’t call that Bryan Adams at his worst. Take it from a guy that studies
these things folks: it can always, always
get worse…
#4. Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?
(Bryan Adams) [16; 1 20 weeks]
I
really am not doing a good job defending my statement that Canada has made and
is capable of making good music, am I? From what I can tell, Bryan Adams seemed
to be at his best when he was writing high-energy rock songs, which would
explain why people think ‘Summer Of ‘69’ is his best work while ‘(Everything I
Do) I Do It For You) is considered one of his worst. However, ‘Have You Ever
Really Loved a Woman’ happens to land on neither end of this spectrum in terms
of hard rock to soft rock, instead being a Latin rock song complete with a
flamenco guitarist featured on the song. You know, that’s not necessarily a bad
idea for a song. Normally I don’t take issue with artists branching out and
trying other genres. As far as I’m concerned, experimentation in music is a
good thing. So then, why does this song not work for me?
Well,
I suppose I should start with the most obvious problem with the song: the
goddamn title. “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?” That, right out of the
gate, is enough to piss me off. I am not about to stand here and let Bryan
fucking Adams question my romantic feelings for others. Of course, that alone
isn’t what the song is about. No, there’s something else being discussed in the
song. See, the verses are all about how you’re supposed to love a woman, while
the chorus is about what you’re supposed to say to her and questions whether or
not you actually have ever loved a woman. This premise feels incredibly
condescending, and trust me it is. Like I’m supposed to believe that a guy like
Bryan Adams, who wrote a song as childish as ‘(Everything I Do) I Do It For
You,’ is supposed to be some kind of romantic expert. I mean, his descriptions
hardly even seem like things that would necessarily indicate that you love
someone. I mean, you’ve got the entire second verse, which goes like this:
To
really love a woman
Let
her hold you
Til
ya know how she needs to be touched
You’ve
gotta breathe her – really taste her
Til
you can feel her in your blood
And
when you can see your unborn children in her eyes
Ya
know ya really love a woman
This verse just baffles me! “You’ve
got to breathe her – really taste her?” “And when you can see your unborn children
in her eyes/Ya know ya really love a woman?” That isn’t creepy at all! Is Bryan
Adams sure he’s trying to write this song for the every man? It sounds more
like he’s writing it for the creepy stalkers that obsess over people in
incredibly unhealthy ways! Also, side note, Adams does know that there are
couples that agree not to have children, right?
And
when he’s not telling the listener how to obsessively creep on a woman, he’s
giving some of the most tired, overused clichés he could have chosen for a song
like this. “To understand her – you gotta know her deep inside?” “Give her
wings – when she wants to fly?” “You tell her that she’s really wanted/When you
love a woman you tell her that she’s the one?” “You got to give her some faith
– hold her tight/A little tenderness – gotta treat her right?” I think that
might actually be one of the most frustrating qualities of Bryan Adams’s music:
the almost insultingly vague lyrics. And when those are coupled with a song
that’s all about giving specifics about how you’re supposed to love a woman,
that just makes it all the more insulting because it’s like he’s expecting that
you didn’t do any of those things and that automatically means no, you’ve never
“really loved a woman.”
Oh,
this is kind of an afterthought, but the music is pretty lackluster to. This
sad, unenthused Spanish guitar work just doesn’t match the tone the song is
going for. This song is supposed to be introspective and thought provoking.
Instead, it just feels like I’m listening to a funeral dirge. And it’s not just
the tone that the music doesn’t match up with; it’s Bryan Adams’s voice too.
This weak sauce, wannabe Springsteen impression just doesn’t match with the
Latin sound of the song. None of these elements seem to connect with each other,
and the whole thing just feels like a mishmash of about three different song
ideas crammed into one.
Considering
I’ve spoken to various different people, including an actual Canadian and
another musician and most of the opinions I’ve gotten of Bryan Adams have been
positive, I’m going to assume I’m fairly isolated on my opinion of this song.
And you know what, if you like Bryan Adams, that’s fine. Listen to his music;
enjoy it! Just don’t expect me to care about it the same way you do, especially
this song in particular. Bryan Adams, I’m sure you may be a nice guy in real
life, but seriously, this song does nothing to give that impression.
#3.
Now,
I’ve talked about white guys with acoustic guitars already. I’ve made the point
that the genre tends to lend itself to some of the smuggest, douchiest people
in music. However, why should the genre be limiting itself to white guys only?
After all, pretentious egoism is something that can be demonstrated by
everyone, regardless of their race or gender! Therefore, I think it’s only fair
that we diversify this genre a bit, mix things up a little! And what better
place to start than with someone who would go on to be one of the biggest names
in adult alternative music at the time? What better place to start than with
someone that already established their career just the previous year and would
continue seeing success throughout the decade, and even into the following
decade? Yes, what better place to start than with Sheryl Crow?
#3. Strong Enough (Sheryl Crow) [30; 5; 21
weeks]
1994
and 1995 were both pretty big years for American singer-songwriter Sheryl Crow.
This was around the time she saw the success of her debut album, scoring three
hits off of it, two of which charted in the top 10. ‘All I Wanna Do’ was the
biggest, and by far the most iconic between the three, and is even her highest
charting single to date. And…well, I’ll say this much: at least there are
people out there that like it. I personally just don’t get it. It’s not that
great of a song, and Sheryl Crow just isn’t a very good performer. Hell, she
didn’t even write that song herself; all the lyrics to the song were lifted
from a piece written by poet Wyn Cooper. Hell, even the opening line is lifted
from a Talking Heads song! So I guess you can say this much in her follow-up
single’s favor: Sheryl Crow actually did contribute to the writing of the song.
Bit of a shame that the song’s a piece of crap though.
Okay,
now some of you are probably arguing that that’s being a bit harsh. After all,
this was off of her first album and just reflects her trying to find an
identity for herself in music, right? Well, you might have a point, but that
doesn’t excuse some of the more awful elements in this song. For starters, the
instrumentation just lacks any of the emotional weight Sheryl Crow is trying to
deliver. This song is screaming to let out some kind of emotional reaction of
some kind. Instead, what it delivers is this sad, whimpering nothing of a sound
that doesn’t inspire any kind of feeling or emotional response at all. In
pretty much all respects, this is a campfire song, and not even a good one.
Campfire songs are supposed to be fun to sing along to, aren’t they? Why would anyone
want to sing along to something like this?
And
that brings us to the biggest problem with the song: the lyrics and subject
matter. From what I can tell, it’s a song about a girl in a dependent
relationship, a very dependent
relationship. And apparently said relationship isn’t going along too well,
because it sounds like she’s already at the brink of tears. Like, she is
begging and scraping at this guy’s feet trying to get him to stay with her,
even telling him she would prefer he lie to her than leave her. That doesn’t
sound like a healthy relationship to be in, and it just makes me uncomfortable.
Normally I feel like songs like these can be powerful; Meat Loaf managed to
pull off a song about being stuck in a loveless romance, so why couldn’t Sheryl
Crow? Well, here’s the thing: Sheryl Crow herself just doesn’t come across as
the kind of performer that can pull off something like this. This song needs
someone that wears their emotions with complete sincerity. Sheryl Crow is just
too sarcastic and snarky for a song like this.
Much
like with Bryan Adams, I realize there are people out there that like Sheryl
Crow and are probably going to hunt me down for putting this song on the list.
And again I must say, if you like this song, there’s nothing wrong with that.
I’m just some loser on the Internet with his opinion like anyone else. You
don’t have to listen to me. Just don’t go trying to get me to like this song
because that’s not going to happen. Sheryl Crow is just not the kind of
performer I can enjoy, much like how I can’t enjoy Alanis Morissette, who she
is distressingly similar to. I don’t think you need to worry about me being
“strong enough” to be your man, Sheryl Crow. Though I feel like what you’re
really looking for is someone tolerant enough to put up with you. And that guy
just isn’t me.
#2.
Hoo
boy, we’re talking about religious music again…
Look,
as I keep trying to tell people, I don’t inherently hate this genre. I feel
like there are religious songs that can be decent enough. There are religious
songs that can have decent enough messages that make up for the elements that
drag them down. Hell, I actually ended up putting a vaguely religious song on my
best list for 1986! So why do I keep coming back to this genre on the worst
lists? How does religious music keep on spouting out such crappers that end up
becoming popular? Well, I can’t say I have the answers or even an idea about
why this keeps happening. All I do know is that whoever was responsible for
allowing this song into the hit parade should feel ashamed of themselves.
#2. One Of Us (Joan Osborne) [--; 13; 5
weeks]
One of the biggest
issues I think people seem to take with religious music is when it tries to
tackle complicated subject matters in a not very thoughtful way. Take things
like ‘From a Distance’ and ‘The Christmas Shoes’ as examples of such. I can’t
say for certain that this song is necessarily better or worse than those songs,
since they’re bad for different reasons. Specifically, these songs are all
trying to answer different questions. For those first two songs, the question
they’re trying to answer is, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” “One Of
Us,” however, is trying to answer a different question entirely: “What if God
was a human being like us?”
On the surface,
this doesn’t sound like a bad premise for a song. In fact, this could
potentially help us to understand God’s perspective on humankind. I mean, He
did create humanity in his image after all, so how he would feel about being
one of us seems like it would be a pretty significant look into how he views
his own creations. The problem, unfortunately, comes from the fact that Joan
Osborne didn’t actually think of anything interesting to say about the
question. I mean, she does come up with her own questions to ask regarding this
question, but most of them are just pretending to be deep but are really just
pretentious as all hell, like “If God had a name, what would it be?” or “What
would you ask if you had just one question?” or “If God had a face, what would
it look like?” or “And would you want to see/If seeing meant that you would
have to believe/In things like Heaven and in Jesus and the saints and all the
prophits?” Yeah, I’m sure you’re enrapturing all the little children in your
Sunday school class, Joan Osborne, but can you actually get around to answering
the question you decided to address in your song?
In all fairness,
Joan Osborne does answer the question. And here’s the answer she provides:
What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us?
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make His way home?
…What the hell was that? So what I get from this is that Joan
Osborne thinks that God sees humanity as slobs and, if he were human himself,
he would rather commit suicide and return to Heaven than continue existing as a
human being. That just seems like a horrible thing to be saying about humanity,
that we’re so awful that God himself would rather be dead than be a part of it.
Oh, and by the way Joan Osborne, do you know who else is part of humanity? YOU!
So I sincerely hope you realize how hypocritical you sound by saying all this
stuff! Look, for all I go on about how cynical I am, I would like to believe
that I have faith in the good in humankind. I think that there are people out
there that demonstrate that humanity is capable of being intelligent and
beautiful and full of potential. Yeah, there are some awful, awful people in
the world, but that’s not a reason to condemn the entirety of the human race to
being ‘slobs’.
Also,
I notice that, despite how much she’s jerking off the giant phallic symbol of
God throughout this entire song, Joan Osborne seems terribly disinterested in
the whole ordeal. I mean, just listen to the way she sings on this song; she
could not possibly sound more bored. Hell, she’s not even trying to sing on
pitch during the chorus! And even ignoring how she’s singing the song, some of
her lyrical choices indicate no thought or effort whatsoever. I mean, “Yeah,
yeah, God is great/Yeah, yeah, God is good?” What kind of bridge is that
supposed to be? Here’s what I hear when it gets to the bridge of the song:
“Yeah, God’s good and stuff. Praise God or whatever.” I’m not a religious man,
but isn’t religious music supposed to have some passion or emotional investment
in it? Hell, even ‘From a Distance’ and ‘The Christmas Shoes’ got that right!
I
can’t think of a single thing about this song that’s even remotely good. If God
was one of us, I don’t think he’d be disappointed in us for being ‘slobs’ like
this song seems to indicate he would be. I think he’d be disappointed in us for
allowing nuts like Joan Osborne to make awful music like this. And yet, despite
all of this, there was still one song worse than this one.
#1.
I feel like I
haven’t really gotten to talk about this, but I don’t have anything against
dance music. Yeah, most of it is pretty interchangeable and doesn’t really tend
to stray outside of the trends of the time, but ultimately it’s harmless. Yeah,
there are dance songs that can express some really stupid sentiments, such as
objectifying people, be they women or men, doing drugs, “thuggin’” or the like.
Not all of them do this though, and plenty of them can be pretty enjoyable.
Hell, I’ve gone on record as stating that I actually like two entire genres of
dance music: funk and disco.
However, it’s not
like I don’t understand why the genre tends to get the flack that it does.
Dance music also tends to set incredibly low standards for itself in terms of
quality, and after several years of putting up with a particular genre of it,
it can wear out its welcome pretty quickly. Such was the case with house music
by 1995. Yeah, I know the genre resulted in the world being introduced to
artists like Daft Punk, but prior to their appearance, the genre was just
running out of ideas. Besides, once you’ve heard one house song, you’ve pretty much
heard them all. But the house songs in 1995 just seemed especially lacking in
thought or originality.
Fortunately, this
next song did seem to have something of a new idea in mind with how it was put
together. Unfortunately, said idea was also completely, utterly terrible.
#1. Short Dick Man (20 Fingers ft. Gillette)
[76; 14; 11 weeks]
I don’t want to
give this impression that I don’t like female rappers. On one of my previous
lists, I mentioned that I thought Lil’ Kim’s verse on a song I didn’t like was
the saving grace on that song, and I really loved Left Eye’s verse on TLC’s
‘Waterfalls.' Hell, I don’t even mind Da Brat that much; I think she had some
decent songs in her. However, I can’t say I know enough about this Gillette
person to say if she’s any good since Wikipedia doesn’t even have an article
about her and AllMusic doesn’t even have an overview page on her. With just
this song to go off of though, I’d say she’s rather terrible. But maybe I
should start by focusing on the other act on the song. This is 20 Fingers, an
American production and DJ duo consisting of Carlos “Charlie Babie” Rosario and
Manfred “Manny” Mohr. They were primarily active in 1994 and 1995, after which
they stopped making their own songs and started doing work predominantly on
production for other people’s songs. Their lyrical choices are described on
Wikipedia as being “humorous or risqué,” with some songs having fairly sexually
explicit word choices or sounds, such as moaning.
I’m not bringing
this up because I think that’s the reason this song is bad, although I do feel
like that’s part of the reason the song is quite bad. No, this song made the
list for one big reason. Now, I’ve covered various different flavors of bad in
the past: condescending, pretentious, depressing, boring, uninteresting,
insulting. But I think this will be my first time truly exploring this
particular type of bad: obnoxious. This song is just annoying to listen to,
from the music to the lyrics to this Gillette girl’s vocals. Between all of
these different elements all vying for my annoyance, I want to strangle this
song.
For starters, the
beat and music are just this obnoxious drone of noises that all come together
to form a cacophony of noise. There’s the dull, bass noise, coupled with the
endless repeating beat, and what sounds like someone screeching in the
background. I know it’s kind of redundant to say this, but dance music is
supposed to make you want to dance, isn’t it? Why would anyone want to dance to
this? And this continues all throughout the song, and the song goes on for just
shy of five minutes, so by the time it’s over that ‘melody’ is still ringing in
your head. It’s like the sound of your child crying at night; once you hear it,
you can never unhear it.
And all that’s
before we get to this Gillette girl’s part of the song. Her part is pretty much
just her saying various different phrases all for the sake of shaming a guy for
having a tiny dick. The most common you will hear in the song is “Don’t want no
short dick man.” And again, she says these things all throughout the song, and
it just grates on my nerves every time I hear her open her yap because her
voice is just this mind-numbing thing that sounds like she’s doing a Cartman
impression. And her laugh is just the worst, it’s sounds like an evil grandma
laugh, and it’s dispersed at various points throughout the song.
And in the end,
when the whole thing is over, there’s only one question that comes to mind
regarding what there is to be said about this song: why? Why would these people
want to make a song like this? Why would they hire someone with a baby voice to
mock some hapless fool’s undersized sausage? Why would they make a beat for the
song that sounds like it had minimal effort put into it? Why would they have
this girl’s horrible laugh plastered all over the song as if it was supposed to
be some kind of ad for how awful their song is? Is it supposed to be a joke?
Why would they decide to make a joke song that’s this unfunny?
Ladies, gentlemen,
I don’t want this song to leave the impression that a man’s only worth as much
as the size of his penis. That kind of backwards thinking can be painful to
some, unsatisfying to others and shameful to those that are caught under such
scrutiny. As a wise actor once said: “It’s not the size that counts! It’s how
you use it!” So there you have it folks: ‘Short Dick Man’ by 20 Fingers
featuring Gillette: my pick for the worst hit song of 1995.
