Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 1995

Hello again folks. Back when I started these reviews, I originally wanted to explore the music of my childhood and compare it to the music scene of today. However, I wouldn’t say I’ve exactly done much exploration of the music scene of my childhood. Back when I did my ’91 lists, I was just exploring the stuff that was around the year I was born, not the stuff I actually remembered. So join me folks, as we take yet another leap back into that now seemingly distant decade known simply as the ‘90s. It sure has been a while since I last looked back at this decade, hasn’t it? About one and a half years now, right?

Anyway, this particular choice of year was actually done by popular demand. One of my friends that selected it specifically stated that he chose it because he believed this to be the best year of the ‘90s for music. And it’s not hard to see why he would say that. The music from this year certainly was better than that of 1991, on the whole anyway. In fact, I actually struggled with putting together the worst list for this year just because there were so few songs that I genuinely hated. Furthermore, most of the songs that were bad were mostly bad for uninteresting reasons. Don’t think for a second that we’re not going to be finding some truly festering turds that were rightly left behind though, because while the bad stuff wasn’t all that bad, the really bad songs are in fact quite awful. As far as bad music goes, there wasn’t much middle ground; either the music was just ‘meh’ or it was horrendous. And trust me, there will be a noticeable drop off in quality between the two on this list.

Before we get to that, however, let’s take a moment to look at some of the songs that fell squarely into the middle of the ‘meh’ category:

Baby (Brandy) [37; 4; 18 weeks]

This is probably one of the blander songs that came out this year. I realize that repetition is the key component of any catchy pop song, but seriously, did they really need to repeat the word ‘baby’ 97 times in this song? Seriously? 97? That’s almost twice as many times as the song ‘Crazy’ by K-Ci and Jojo used the word ‘Crazy!’ And even if you’re willing to look past that, the music doesn’t do anything interesting in the slightest. This instrumentation doesn’t do anything to set the proper tone that the song needs. The song needs to have a sweet, romantic feel to it. Instead, what we get is this forgettable R&B cheese that wouldn’t sound out of place on a bad ‘90s cartoon based around some random celebrity and their crazy adventures. Well, I know what it’s time to say, and it’s certainly not ‘Baby, baby.’ Next!

Let Her Cry (Hootie & the Blowfish) [26; 9; 25 weeks]

Ah, adult alternative. This genre is kind of a mixed bag, even back in its early years. On the one hand, you would get actually good, interesting, thought-provoking artists like R.E.M., and on the other hand, you’d get acts like Hootie and the Blowfish. Apparently the band’s front man, Darius Rucker has stated that the song’s subject matter was based on his own past. The song describes a man trying to keep his relationship with his alcoholic wife from falling apart. Darius Rucker’s past had him in that position, but with the roles reversed, with him as the irresponsible drunk and his girlfriend trying to keep things together. I guess this isn’t a bad premise for a song, but I feel like, if that was the case, Darius Rucker might not be the best person to be trying to tell a story like this from that perspective. I mean, okay, maybe he came to understand the pain his girlfriend was going through in that situation. But even so, to label her as the irresponsible drunk after she was the one trying to keep things together just feels disrespectful to me. Maybe that’s just me and maybe I’m in the minority on this, but seriously Darius Rucker, you’re coming across as kind of a douche bag. Stop trying to shift blame and grow the hell up.

Pretty Girl (Jon B.) [--; 25; 10 weeks]

Yeech, this song is just sleezy. It’s just some frat boy douche bag’s attempts to convince a girl to sleep with him. Yes, some artists can present the idea that they can provide mind-meltingly hot sex and actually come across like they actually could. However, I think it’s safe to say that this Jon B. guy is not one of those people. This guy has no personality whatsoever. I mean, he doesn’t even have a real stage name! “Jon B.?” That’s not a pop star’s name; that’s the name of a guy that works retail at a grocery store! This guy and this song serve no purpose and aren’t even worthy of my time. Next!

House Of Love (Amy Grant & Vince Gill) [--; 37; 4 weeks]

I honestly don’t think this song is all that bad. It’s just not really something that catches my attention. Maybe there are people out there that like this kind of music, this kind of soft, pop-y, Christian-y sounding music that sounds kind of sterile and not all that engaging. To them I just have to say, here is a song for you; you can have it. Just don’t go trying to play it for me because I have no interest in hearing it.

Run Away (The Real McCoy) [38; 3; 17 weeks]

Ah, house music, yet another genre that was pretty big this year. However, unlike adult alternative, which at least was half-and-half as far as good to bad artists were concerned, the house dance movement was mostly just not that interesting anymore by the time this year rolled around. However, this song in particular bothers me more than most of its kind. And it’s a shame I have to say that because the chorus is actually pretty good. However, the verses really drag it down. Why? Because they’re incredibly hypocritical. I mean, they talk about how people keeping to the hive-mind mentality and letting themselves be dictated by the powers that be is bad, yet the song is clearly letting itself be dictated by the trends of the time. You can’t tell someone that they need to “keep the faith” in the way things are and also “run away!” Those are two conflicting mentalities! God, this song…

Can’t Cry Anymore (Sheryl Crow) [--; 36; 6 weeks]

From what I could tell, Sheryl Crow seemed to be the poor man’s Alanis Morissette. I mean, they came out around the same time, both artists have fairly similar sound, neither of them exactly have a great singing voice. Yeah, Sheryl Crow may have been the first one to have a hit, but I don’t hear anyone talking about any of her songs anymore nowadays, at least from the people I know. I wouldn’t call this song her worst, but it’s certainly not very good. So, apparently the song’s about how the narrator has had enough of a bad relationship and thus has stolen her ex’s car, moved to Texas, snarks about how their relationship wasn’t satisfying her, then goes on about her issues with paying taxes and her brother’s heroin problems, and ultimately decides that she can’t cry over her whole life going to shit. Since the song’s release, she’s gone on to say that the song reflects her frustrations about the Iraq War and the direction the government was going in. However, it was written long before these events occurred, so I can only assume she was just pulling that meaning out of her ass. Honestly, more than anything, this song just sounds like mindless venting, like she was trying to write a song about something but couldn’t decide what to complain about on the song and just decided to toss everything in together and blend it into this mess. There’s no focus for all her frustration; she’s just venting everything all at once without a clear statement of what she’s angry about. Now, I understand that frustration and anger don’t have to be focused. But when you’re going to spend the entire first verse and possibly also the chorus on one thing only to immediately shift gears and start ranting about every other little thing in your life that’s gone wrong, it sounds more like you’re grasping at straws trying to find justification for your bitterness without actually having anything to do so. Look, if you want to write a break-up song going on about how great things are now that you’ve broken up with the guy, fine; do that. Just don’t go veering off topic and whining about every other reason your life sucks on top of that. That’s not good songwriting; that’s just sloppy! Forget this!

I Wish (Skee-Lo) [58; 13; 13 weeks]

Then again, I would probably be more willing to sympathize with Sheryl Crow when compared to this whining idiot. The sad part is that this song probably could have worked. A song about an underdog not good enough for the object of his affections? I could probably get behind that. A guy talking about how he wants a better car than the cheap-looking piece of crap one he has that makes it even harder for him to get with a girl? That’s probably something else I could sympathize with, honestly. However, he also feels the need to talk about how he isn’t satisfied with the girls that actually do have some interest in him, tells them to fuck off, then gets hospitalized for his stupidity and presumably goes off to whine about it later before resuming his douche baggery once he leaves the hospital. Also, maybe this is just me, but this guy’s flow just bothers me. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something about it just sounds like it’s dragging at points. And there are also points where it feels like he needed to come up with a word to fill up space to fit the song’s rhythm and just went with the first thing that came to his mind. This even includes a blatant lyrical lift from the song “For What It’s Worth,” the Buffalo Springfield protest song. I guess I can understand why other people would like this song, to some degree, but I just don’t feel like this song is for me.

Total Eclipse Of the Heart (Nicki French) [19; 2; 21 weeks]

I’ve said before that I liked Bonnie Tyler’s ‘Total Eclipse Of the Heart.’ And that’s for a pretty simple reason: the song just feels grand and powerful. It has a sense of bigness to it, and that’s helped all the more by Bonnie Tyler’s rougher, more earnest sounding vocals. All that’s dropped from this version though, which swapped out the slower, more powerful music with generic dance pop. Whatever sense of atmosphere was in the original is completely absent here. Also, it doesn’t help that this version also cut out entire segments of the song, including part of the prechorus after the first verse. Listening to this version only serves to demonstrate to me just why people aren’t fans of this particular genre. And I say this as someone that knows that there is good dance music out there, stuff that presents atmosphere and raw emotion. This, however? This is just empty musical fluff, plain and simple.

This Lil’ Game We Play (Subway ft. 702) [68; 15; 14 weeks]

Ugh, so much cheese. I’ve said I’m tolerant of cheese to some degree but this isn’t even the good kind. This song is the equivalent of the month-old cheese left in the back of the fridge that you fish out to find something growing on it. The production on this song is just disappointing and forgettable, the singers sound like teenagers that were given the briefest of singing lessons right before being dragged into the studio to sing this and the lyrics are a smorgasbord of cheesy one-liners. “You go hide and I will seek?” “Bein’ loose just ain’t my style?” “Girl I’m a hard dude to beat?” These sound like lines you’d hear coming from a little kid that thinks he’s the coolest guy in the room! This song is about as romantic as a bad teen romance novel. It doesn’t actually make you feel like love is in the air; it just makes you sick to your stomach. Forget this!

Now that that’s taken care of, y’all ready for this? ‘Cause we’re counting down…

…THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF 1995!

            #10.

           

            Now, if you remember 1995 at all, you’re most likely familiar with some of the big films that came out around that time. The films that come to mind for me in particular are the animated Disney films, specifically ‘A Goofy Movie,’ ‘Toy Story,’ and ‘Pocahontas.’ All three of them have their own musical soundtracks that feature at least one song. Whether or not said songs are actually memorable may be up for debate, particularly with ‘A Goofy Movie,’ but all things considered, the soundtracks to these films weren’t really all that bad. But it’s not really up for debate which songs are the most memorable of each film: for ‘A Goofy Movie’ most people will say it’s ‘After Today,’ for Toy Story it’s ‘You’ve Got a Friend In Me,’ and for ‘Pocahontas,’ it’s unquestionably ‘Colors Of the Wind.’ Now, between the three, I’d probably choose ‘Colors Of the Wind’ as my favorite, just because it’s got that grand atmosphere to it. It legitimately feels like the listener is being surrounded by and is exploring all the wonders of nature. The rest of the songs in the film, and even the film itself, were really not much to talk about, but that one musical number was pretty much what made that film.

            However, as with many Disney films at the time, there was a second version of the song recorded, one performed by a pop star of the time. And yes, that version was the one that ended up becoming a hit.

            #10. Colors Of the Wind (Vanessa Williams) [31; 4; 19 weeks]

            Disney, when are you going to learn? Having a current pop star cover a song from one of your animated films is never a good idea. The end result never turns out well. I mean, if a song performed in the film is done by a pop star already it usually turns out fine, but not when it’s originally performed as a musical number for the film and then a current pop star does a cover of it that gets included in the end credits. And yet, the ‘90s seemed to see them doing this continuously! And almost all of them became hits! I mean, you’ve got Peabo Bryson and Regina Belle’s rendition of ‘A Whole New World’ from ‘Aladdin,’ Bette Midler’s cover of ‘God Help the Outcasts’ from ‘The Hunchback Of Notre Dame,’ Christina Aguilera’s cover of the ‘Mulan’ song ‘Reflection,’ Michael Bolton’s cover of ‘Go the Distance’ from ‘Hercules,’ yet another Peabo Bryson duet with Celine Dion for their cover of the title track for ‘Beauty and the Beast,’ and Elton John’s rendition of ‘Can You Feel the Love Tonight’ from ‘The Lion King’ (which, being completely honest here, wasn’t really that good of a song to begin with; sorry). I realize that animated films didn’t have their own category at the time and Disney wanted to make Oscar bait songs, but even so, they didn’t have to suck as much as these did! Hell, they’re even continuing to do this today, if Demi Lovato’s cover of ‘Let It Go’ is any indication!

            And really, the main reason these cover versions don’t work is pretty much all for the same reason. The artists in question are taking what were originally timeless songs, songs that have the charm that make them listenable to anyone at any age, and then turning them into these dull, dated, tedious ballads. And ‘Colors Of the Wind’ is yet another example of such. Say what you want about ‘Pocahontas’ and all its historical inaccuracy; at least it had that one song that everyone thought was decent enough. It was timeless, it had atmosphere and it was just a really good song. Vanessa Williams’s cover, however, cuts out all of those elements in favor of making it slow, dull and lifeless. And furthermore, with her performance, I am less inclined to believe her when she talks about being in tune with nature and stuff because she’s so self-indulgent on this song and it clearly sounds like she was more interested in sounding pretty than sounding genuine.

            Now, in all fairness, I don’t blame Vanessa Williams for this cover being as bad as it is. I just don’t feel like she was the right fit for this song. I actually didn’t mind that many of her songs at the time, even though she kind of started out as a poor man’s Janet Jackson. She actually did evolve past that and became a legitimately interesting artist in her own right. This, however, is a huge disappointment coming from her. I feel like it’s kind of understandable why this song ended up being her final hit. I mean, if it were any good, don’t you think people would’ve been more inclined to let her continue having hits afterwards? Vanessa Williams, I’m sure you’re a good person and a decent singer, but seriously, this was just depressing to sit through.

            #9.

            So, when it comes to bad ‘90s music, what have we covered already? Let’s see, tired, overdone house music, terribly cheesy hip-hop, bland adult-alternative music…What’s something else we can throw in there that we haven’t covered already? Well, I guess when it comes to bad ‘90s music, particularly from the early ‘90s, there’s always one artist people can name as one of the worst at the time: Michael Bolton.

            #9. Can I Touch You…There? (Michael Bolton) [--; 27; 6 weeks]

            Right, let’s get the obvious joke out of the way right now. Ahem. “Bad touch! Bad touch!”

Okay, yes; I realize that Michael Bolton had hits before the ‘90s. The ‘90s were when he was at his biggest though, particularly the early ‘90s. Now, all things considered, whatever negative qualities people have to say about him as an artist, ultimately he was harmless enough. Even within the soft rock genre, you could do a whole lot worse, and I’ll be getting to how much worse later. However, I feel like this is one of the songs in Michael Bolton’s discography that the man actively ruins just by being on the song. While I might be able to understand vaguely why people would hate his other songs, I can clearly see what people hate about this one.

            For starters, let’s talk about the subject matter and lyrics of the song. Now, for the most part, Bolton is known for writing cheesy songs about how great love is and the power of love and what have you. As I said, it’s benign and harmless, so there’s nothing really worth getting your panties in a twist over. In contrast, this song has a bit of a more…adult subject matter to it. Yeah, it’s a song about sex. And there’s nothing wrong with that; a song can be about whatever the artist wants it to be about. However, just looking at the lyrics and listening to Bolton’s nails-on-a-chalkboard performance shows that this is definitely not something that’s the right fit for him. Bolton is a lover and a romantic; not a very good singer, but what’re you gonna do? This song is just not who Bolton is as an artist. Maybe in real life, he’s nailed tons of women. What do I know? But he cannot present himself as being that kind of person through his choice of lyrics on this song. In fact, these lyrics make him seem less seductive and more…creepy. Seriously, “Can I touch you there?” “Tell me every secret darlin’?” “I just hunger for your love?” “All I wanna do is touch ya baby?” “Love is takin’ over, gotta let it in?” Yeah, with lyrics like these, I think I can understand why this song didn’t really catch on with people, and why none of the other singles off of this album charted.

            And it’s a shame I have to put it that way, because the music to this song is honestly not that bad. It’s got this smooth, tribal sound going for it that legitimately does a much better job setting the tone for the song than Michael Bolton himself does. Seriously, if this music had been given to a different artist and had better writers behind it, it might have been a much better song than this. Like, maybe someone could sample the music from this song and do something with it. I mean, okay, chances are it would still be terrible considering the kinds of artists that tend to rely heavily on sampling nowadays. But it might at least have a chance of being something good, better than this at least!

            Michael Bolton would manage one more hit song after this…and it’s his cover of the ‘Hercules’ song ‘Go the Distance.’ I believe I’ve already touched on my thoughts on the subject surrounding that particular song, so I won’t indulge any further. And I’ve certainly said more than I’d care to about this song. It’s just a disaster that doesn’t do anything to justify Michael Bolton’s music career. No, Michael Bolton, you may not touch me “there.” In fact, I don’t think I would have any interest in being anywhere near you after hearing this.

            #8.

           

            Now, if I might take a moment to be positive for a bit, let’s consider one of the better acts to spawn from the ‘90s: TLC. This is an excellent group, and it’s a shame they weren’t bigger than they were because they’re probably among the more positive things to come from ‘90s music. In a time when the pop charts were gradually being overtaken by the likes of adult-alternative and house music, TLC were a breath of fresh air. And even with their less powerful singles that would come later in the decade like ‘No Scrubs’ and ‘Unpretty,’ they still had amazing chemistry and sounded wonderful.

            Of course, when you have actual good artists like this dominating the pop charts like they did back in 1995, that just makes it all the more disappointing when less impressive acts appear and try to copy their formula.

            #8. He’s Mine (MoKenStef) [40; 7; 18 weeks]

            Just like how TLC’s group name was built around the first letters of each of the members’ names, MoKenStef’s name is built around the names of each of the group’s members: Monifa Bethune, Kenya Hadley and Stefanie Sinclair. Unlike TLC, however, MoKenStef lacked any kind of staying power. They had a grand total of a single album and attempted to release another single to launch their second, but that didn’t end up succeeding and the group disbanded by 2000. They’ve since reformed, but I’ve heard no word about if they’re actually planning on touring or releasing more songs. This song ended up being their most successful, being their only song to chart in the top 40. I have no idea why that is because it’s probably their worst song.

            What makes it so bad? Well, let’s start by talking about the song’s subject matter and lyrics. I made the comparison to TLC before, but if anything this song makes them seem to have more in common with a song, not by TLC, but by Dream. I say this because, much like how Dream’s biggest hit was a song about a girl talking down another girl for trying to get with their man, MoKenStef’s ‘He’s Mine’ is a song about a woman in a relationship with a guy that’s also sleeping with another woman, and this song is supposed to be about the narrator putting this other woman down for trying to get with her man. So, I guess, in some regard, this song is better than ‘He Loves U Not’ in that it actually gives us justification for why the narrator is trying to put down this other woman. However, in pretty much every other aspect this song is just as bad if not worse than ‘He Loves U Not,’ because at least in that song the only one that came across badly was the narrator. In this song, every party involved in this entire affair comes out looking bad. The guy comes across as disloyal, the other girl comes across like she’s trying to steal the narrator’s man and the narrator comes across as a complete bitch for rubbing the fact that the man is hers in the other woman’s face.

            Another way in which this song isn’t as good as ‘He Loves U Not’ is that, while that song wasn’t salvageable, it at least had decent production behind it that might’ve redeemed it otherwise. There’s nothing like that saving this song though. The production is so dull and slow it feels less like I’m listening to a diss track and more like I’m listening to some teenage girls doing drunken karaoke. Also, that electric keyboard just grates on my nerves. And good God that bass line…

            Like I said, MoKenStef didn’t really see a lot of success after this, and they’d disband five years later. If this song and the lack of any further hits are any indication, I don’t think people were exactly clamoring for their return. Though apparently someone did want them back, because they reformed in 2014. Still though, I can’t understand why they would if they’re not going to be doing any kind of comeback tours or releasing new material or anything to celebrate their return. You may have had us once, MoKenStef, but not anymore.

            #7.

            As it happens, bland, unpleasant R&B wasn’t the only genre we’d be seeing cropping up in 1995. No, this year would also be seeing another genre starting to appear. A genre that attracts artists that are so bad that, even to this day, people are still talking about how much they hate it. Yes folks, once again, we’re going to be paying a visit to our old friend: the white guy with acoustic guitar.

I honestly really didn’t want to have to talk about this genre that often when I started doing these lists. Everyone else has already talked about this genre and pointed out exactly why it sucks. I just don’t know what I could possibly contribute to the conversation about this genre besides talking about other songs that haven’t already been covered. Though, considering most of the artists I talk about on my worst lists are people no one remembers or cares about, like Ryan Cabrera and Extreme, I just feel like I’m hilariously unequipped to talk about this. But, this song made the list, so I’m going to talk about it as best I can. With all that said, let me introduce you to Jamie Walters.

            #7. Hold On (Jamie Walters) [52; 16; 20 weeks]

             Jamie Walters actually started out as an actor, with his most famous roles being on the shows ‘Beverly Hills, 90210’ and ‘The Heights.’ He actually sang the theme song to the latter, and that theme song made it to #1 on the hot 100 in November of 1992 for two weeks. Two years later, he released his self-titled debut album, with this song being the first single off of that album, and peaking in the top 20, with the album going on to sell over 1 million copies and be certified platinum. Considering the difference in popularity between this song and the theme song to ‘The Heights,’ and the fact that none of the other singles off of that album saw the same level of success, I’ll have to assume that people were mostly buying this album based on the strength of that theme song, because this song is truly, truly awful.

            Now, before I continue, I want to make the point that I don’t inherently hate the entire genre of ‘white guy with acoustic guitar’ songs on principle. I think that there are plenty of good songs in the genre out there, like Mr. Big’s ‘To Be With You’ or pretty much anything by Simon and Garfunkel. It’s just unfortunate that the genre tends to attract some of the most talentless, broiest, most insincere people you can possibly think of. At least that’s the impression I get from listening to a lot of the more modern songs from the genre. And wow, does Jamie Walters come across as incredibly insincere on this song. And that insincerity is apparent right in the first five lines of the song:

I don’t wanna see you ever sad

And everything that I’ve got you can have

When it’s all too much

You need some human touch

To see that it’s really not so bad

Right, so you’re saying that you’ll give her everything and provide her with ‘human touch’ to make her not sad. Already this song sounds terribly sleazy to me. The general m. o. of most white guys with acoustic guitar tends to be the same thing: to make the girls that are hearing the song believe they’re sensitive and caring and make them want to sleep with them. But see, they’re generally not very good at disguising this because they tend to be neither of those things. All you have to do to see them for the bro-y, douche-y slime balls that they are is listen to their choice of lyrics. These opening lines, for example, right off the bat give away this guy’s objective because of how transparent and phony they sound. And it’s not just those lines either; even the chorus is like this:

Hold on, ‘til you feel a little stronger

Hold on to me

Hold on, everything’s gonna be alright

Just hold on to me tonight

That chorus is stuffed with little more than tired cliché phrases that even a teenager would groan at. “Hold on to me.” “Everything’s gonna be alright.” And it even ends on the word ‘tonight.’ Did Jamie Walters just have no ideas in his mind when he put this song together?

Now, I could nitpick this song line by line, but if I did I’d be on this entry all day. So let me just sum up this entire song for you: “I will be there for you when you’re sad.” That’s the message of the song. As far as reassuring statements go, you could probably do worse. However, considering how this guy is framing himself, I can’t say this really holds much water. He keeps placing himself on this pedestal and acting like he’s the beat-all end-all option she can take to make herself not sad anymore. Anyone can tell someone they’ll be there for them, but listening to this guy, I just don’t feel like his actions would actually back up his words. In fact, his single he released right after this one only serves to prove that point. It’s called ‘Why,’ and it’s about a guy that’s confused as to why this girl he likes keeps “running away” from him. It really says some sad things about you when you try to write a love song for a girl and she’s doing everything she can to get away from you within the context of your own song.

Anyway, Jamie Walters has been working as a fireman since around early 2004, and focused primarily on his family and his job but stated that he would be interested in getting back into music at some point. However, around 2009, he appeared in a VH1 reality show where former teen idols try to revive their careers. Considering the lack of continued success he’s had since then, and the fact that he hasn’t released any new albums since around 2002, I can’t say people are exactly clamoring for his return to pop music. Ladies, gentlemen, if you are sad and alone and feel like you need someone to hold on to, do yourselves a favor: make sure it’s not this guy.

            #6.

           

            I honestly don’t even know how to introduce this next song. Most of you would probably argue that it’s not really bad enough to warrant putting on this list. That’s really the biggest problem with most of the songs on this list: they really aren’t bad enough to be worth hating. I can’t really project enough bile or outrage over these songs because, as bad as most of them are, they’re not really even bad in any of the fun ways. And I don’t think I can find a song on this list more devoid of fun in its badness than this next one.

            #6. Dream About You (Stevie B.) [92; 29; 12 weeks]

            As it happens, Stevie B. is an artist from a genre that also includes an artist I’ve actually touched on briefly on a previous list. You remember the Timmy T. song ‘One More Try’ from my worst of ’91 list? Yep, these two artists are actually from the same genre: freestyle music. It’s a form of electronic dance music from the ‘80s that saw its greatest period of success between the late ‘80s and early ‘90s. It started out as a fusion of synthetic instrumentation and syncopated percussion from ‘80s electro music, and also incorporated sampling. The genre really took off in 1987, but lost steam by 1992 as house music started to take over. Stevie here was one of the few artists that managed to survive the decline of freestyle, if only briefly. And he apparently survived by transitioning away from freestyle and making dull, lifeless ballads like this.

            It’s worth noting that this was his last top 40 hit song, and listening to this song I can see why. On a lyrical level, it’s pretty bland. The song’s chock full of tired ‘dreaming of you’ clichés like, “You’re in my arms/Here next to me, forever,” “Just close my eyes/Wait for my dreams,” “When you love someone/You got to learn to let them go” and “Just close my eyes/Wait for my dreams/Cause I still love, loving you.” As for the message of the song as a whole, it sounds like he’s singing to a former flame, talking about how he regrets breaking up with her and now can only find comfort through his dreams about her. ‘Cause that’s not creepy at all! Going a bit off topic here though, what led you to decide you needed to break up with this girl if you loved her so much? “When you love someone/You got to learn to let them go?” What kind of excuse is that? That’s not a valid reason to need to break up with someone! That’s not a valid reason for anything! That’s just stupid! You’re stupid!

            Then there’s the dull-as-dog-food production. The song is primarily driven by a piano, with the percussion sounding like it’s being produced by machine. And then the second verse happens and the bass line kicks in, sounding just like the same, melting bass line from ‘One More Try.’ Like, seriously, they sound almost exactly the same. And ugh, does the music to this song just blow. This music makes me want to fall asleep anytime I listen to it. It’s like this dull, unenthused drill boring into your skull while you’re too high on painkillers to notice or care that it’s doing so. This is by far the most boring song I heard from this year. And this was the same year that saw us getting ‘Breakfast At Tiffany’s’ by Deep Blue Something, ‘You Are Not Alone’ by Michael Jackson and not one, not two, but four Hootie & the Blowfish songs!

            I don’t even know what else I can say about this song. It’s flat, it’s boring, it’s unconvincing and it was the final nail in the coffin regarding any further success for…fuck, I’ve already forgotten this guy’s name. Suzy Q.? Sandra D.? Eh, I’m sure it wasn’t important anyway; the song certainly isn’t. Next!

            #5.

            One friend once mentioned that the ‘90s were still kind of an ‘innocent’ time for rap music. I would argue that that’s not really the case, since we were still getting rap songs from the likes of the Notorious B.I.G., Coolio, Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre, who all wrote songs about not very innocent things. The genre wasn’t entirely down and dirty just yet like it would go on to be in the 2000s, but it was hardly innocent. I mean, I guess I can see how that speculation could be made based on the early ‘90s, since that gave us ridiculous pop rap songs from the likes of Marky Mark and Heavy D, but by 1995, the genre had started to take itself more seriously, for the most part.

            That’s not to say that there weren’t still artists out there that didn’t do any favors for the genre though…

            #5. Give It 2 You (Da Brat) [98; 34; 6 weeks]

            This is Shawntae Harris, better known by her stage name Da Brat. She apparently chose this stage name because she was, “a spoiled only child”. Well, I certainly believe the ‘spoiled’ part of that, because as far as female rappers go, she really isn’t all that good, at least on this song anyway. Her producer apparently sold her as a female version of Snoop Doggy Dogg, which I can kind of see, but I feel like she can’t really hold a candle to him. Back in the day, Snoop Dogg would endorse killing cops and seemed like a fairly dangerous, controversial rapper. Da Brat was this pint-sized little twerp who talked up a lot more game than she could actually back up.

            To be fair, not everything about ‘Give It 2 You’ by Da Brat is awful. Her flow actually is decent enough and the production on the track is pretty solid. As it happens, Ms. Harris was actually one of the producers on this song, along with Jermaine Dupri, who would go on to produce work for Usher, Monica and for Mariah Carey’s ‘The Emancipation Of Mimi’ album, her 2005 album that reestablished her career after she hit a bit of a low point. I could probably imagine grooving to this song if I just took those into account and disregarded the lyrics.

Sadly though, the lyrics are where this song really falls flat on its face. For starters, she apparently still thinks she’s in her teens, because she seems to believe she’s being edgy by using the phrase ‘negroes and hoes’ twice in the song, once in each verse. “Ooh, I’m using words that are normally looked down upon for people to use! I’m so hip and cool!” And I can definitely see where the Snoop Dogg comparison would be coming from because she even copies his ‘spelling my own name’ thing right at the beginning of the song. In addition, she seems to have a thing for taking up a lot of space in her verses, yet saying absolutely nothing. “Now it goes like this and dat how it goes.” “So listen up, make sure you listen up well/And don’t miss shit cuz this bitch be bad as hell.” “Don’t get no betta/Betta it don’t get no mo.” “From the bottom 2 the top, top 2 bottom I go.” I know that lines in rap music tend to be there just so rappers can show off their word play without necessarily saying anything of value, but even so this is weak. Was it just a thing in the ‘90s for bad rappers to pointlessly repeat a phrase they just said practically word for word only with the words slightly rearranged? That’s not impressive; that’s just lazy!  

Now, having listened through her discography, I honestly don’t think Da Brat was a terrible artist. Like I said, I think it’s impressive she at least did part of her own production work on her songs and she does have pretty good flow as a rapper. It’s just a shame that flow was matched with not terribly impressive lyrics. However, this wouldn’t be the worst female rapper we’d be seeing cropping up this year. We’ll be addressing that disaster later though.

           

            #4.

            I don’t care for Bryan Adams. I just don’t think he’s a very interesting performer. Nothing about any of his songs really jumps out at me as being particularly noteworthy or outstanding. Most people point to ‘Summer Of ‘69’ as his best song, and for some his only good song, but honestly I can’t even say I cared for that song. It just wore out its welcome really quickly, and I can’t imagine myself wanting to go back and listen to it regularly.

As for Bryan Adams at his worst, well, most people point to ‘(Everything I Do) I Do It For You.’ Again though, I can’t say that song particularly stood out to me. I just found it dull and lacking in intrigue. Yeah, the sentiment being expressed in the song was stupid and demonstrated quite a bit of immaturity, but ultimately I wouldn’t call that Bryan Adams at his worst. Take it from a guy that studies these things folks: it can always, always get worse…

            #4. Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman? (Bryan Adams) [16; 1 20 weeks]

            I really am not doing a good job defending my statement that Canada has made and is capable of making good music, am I? From what I can tell, Bryan Adams seemed to be at his best when he was writing high-energy rock songs, which would explain why people think ‘Summer Of ‘69’ is his best work while ‘(Everything I Do) I Do It For You) is considered one of his worst. However, ‘Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman’ happens to land on neither end of this spectrum in terms of hard rock to soft rock, instead being a Latin rock song complete with a flamenco guitarist featured on the song. You know, that’s not necessarily a bad idea for a song. Normally I don’t take issue with artists branching out and trying other genres. As far as I’m concerned, experimentation in music is a good thing. So then, why does this song not work for me?

            Well, I suppose I should start with the most obvious problem with the song: the goddamn title. “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?” That, right out of the gate, is enough to piss me off. I am not about to stand here and let Bryan fucking Adams question my romantic feelings for others. Of course, that alone isn’t what the song is about. No, there’s something else being discussed in the song. See, the verses are all about how you’re supposed to love a woman, while the chorus is about what you’re supposed to say to her and questions whether or not you actually have ever loved a woman. This premise feels incredibly condescending, and trust me it is. Like I’m supposed to believe that a guy like Bryan Adams, who wrote a song as childish as ‘(Everything I Do) I Do It For You,’ is supposed to be some kind of romantic expert. I mean, his descriptions hardly even seem like things that would necessarily indicate that you love someone. I mean, you’ve got the entire second verse, which goes like this:

To really love a woman

Let her hold you

Til ya know how she needs to be touched

You’ve gotta breathe her – really taste her

Til you can feel her in your blood

And when you can see your unborn children in her eyes

Ya know ya really love a woman

This verse just baffles me! “You’ve got to breathe her – really taste her?” “And when you can see your unborn children in her eyes/Ya know ya really love a woman?” That isn’t creepy at all! Is Bryan Adams sure he’s trying to write this song for the every man? It sounds more like he’s writing it for the creepy stalkers that obsess over people in incredibly unhealthy ways! Also, side note, Adams does know that there are couples that agree not to have children, right?

            And when he’s not telling the listener how to obsessively creep on a woman, he’s giving some of the most tired, overused clichés he could have chosen for a song like this. “To understand her – you gotta know her deep inside?” “Give her wings – when she wants to fly?” “You tell her that she’s really wanted/When you love a woman you tell her that she’s the one?” “You got to give her some faith – hold her tight/A little tenderness – gotta treat her right?” I think that might actually be one of the most frustrating qualities of Bryan Adams’s music: the almost insultingly vague lyrics. And when those are coupled with a song that’s all about giving specifics about how you’re supposed to love a woman, that just makes it all the more insulting because it’s like he’s expecting that you didn’t do any of those things and that automatically means no, you’ve never “really loved a woman.”

            Oh, this is kind of an afterthought, but the music is pretty lackluster to. This sad, unenthused Spanish guitar work just doesn’t match the tone the song is going for. This song is supposed to be introspective and thought provoking. Instead, it just feels like I’m listening to a funeral dirge. And it’s not just the tone that the music doesn’t match up with; it’s Bryan Adams’s voice too. This weak sauce, wannabe Springsteen impression just doesn’t match with the Latin sound of the song. None of these elements seem to connect with each other, and the whole thing just feels like a mishmash of about three different song ideas crammed into one.

            Considering I’ve spoken to various different people, including an actual Canadian and another musician and most of the opinions I’ve gotten of Bryan Adams have been positive, I’m going to assume I’m fairly isolated on my opinion of this song. And you know what, if you like Bryan Adams, that’s fine. Listen to his music; enjoy it! Just don’t expect me to care about it the same way you do, especially this song in particular. Bryan Adams, I’m sure you may be a nice guy in real life, but seriously, this song does nothing to give that impression.

            #3.

            Now, I’ve talked about white guys with acoustic guitars already. I’ve made the point that the genre tends to lend itself to some of the smuggest, douchiest people in music. However, why should the genre be limiting itself to white guys only? After all, pretentious egoism is something that can be demonstrated by everyone, regardless of their race or gender! Therefore, I think it’s only fair that we diversify this genre a bit, mix things up a little! And what better place to start than with someone who would go on to be one of the biggest names in adult alternative music at the time? What better place to start than with someone that already established their career just the previous year and would continue seeing success throughout the decade, and even into the following decade? Yes, what better place to start than with Sheryl Crow?

            #3. Strong Enough (Sheryl Crow) [30; 5; 21 weeks]

            1994 and 1995 were both pretty big years for American singer-songwriter Sheryl Crow. This was around the time she saw the success of her debut album, scoring three hits off of it, two of which charted in the top 10. ‘All I Wanna Do’ was the biggest, and by far the most iconic between the three, and is even her highest charting single to date. And…well, I’ll say this much: at least there are people out there that like it. I personally just don’t get it. It’s not that great of a song, and Sheryl Crow just isn’t a very good performer. Hell, she didn’t even write that song herself; all the lyrics to the song were lifted from a piece written by poet Wyn Cooper. Hell, even the opening line is lifted from a Talking Heads song! So I guess you can say this much in her follow-up single’s favor: Sheryl Crow actually did contribute to the writing of the song. Bit of a shame that the song’s a piece of crap though.

            Okay, now some of you are probably arguing that that’s being a bit harsh. After all, this was off of her first album and just reflects her trying to find an identity for herself in music, right? Well, you might have a point, but that doesn’t excuse some of the more awful elements in this song. For starters, the instrumentation just lacks any of the emotional weight Sheryl Crow is trying to deliver. This song is screaming to let out some kind of emotional reaction of some kind. Instead, what it delivers is this sad, whimpering nothing of a sound that doesn’t inspire any kind of feeling or emotional response at all. In pretty much all respects, this is a campfire song, and not even a good one. Campfire songs are supposed to be fun to sing along to, aren’t they? Why would anyone want to sing along to something like this?

            And that brings us to the biggest problem with the song: the lyrics and subject matter. From what I can tell, it’s a song about a girl in a dependent relationship, a very dependent relationship. And apparently said relationship isn’t going along too well, because it sounds like she’s already at the brink of tears. Like, she is begging and scraping at this guy’s feet trying to get him to stay with her, even telling him she would prefer he lie to her than leave her. That doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship to be in, and it just makes me uncomfortable. Normally I feel like songs like these can be powerful; Meat Loaf managed to pull off a song about being stuck in a loveless romance, so why couldn’t Sheryl Crow? Well, here’s the thing: Sheryl Crow herself just doesn’t come across as the kind of performer that can pull off something like this. This song needs someone that wears their emotions with complete sincerity. Sheryl Crow is just too sarcastic and snarky for a song like this.

            Much like with Bryan Adams, I realize there are people out there that like Sheryl Crow and are probably going to hunt me down for putting this song on the list. And again I must say, if you like this song, there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m just some loser on the Internet with his opinion like anyone else. You don’t have to listen to me. Just don’t go trying to get me to like this song because that’s not going to happen. Sheryl Crow is just not the kind of performer I can enjoy, much like how I can’t enjoy Alanis Morissette, who she is distressingly similar to. I don’t think you need to worry about me being “strong enough” to be your man, Sheryl Crow. Though I feel like what you’re really looking for is someone tolerant enough to put up with you. And that guy just isn’t me.

            #2.

            Hoo boy, we’re talking about religious music again…

            Look, as I keep trying to tell people, I don’t inherently hate this genre. I feel like there are religious songs that can be decent enough. There are religious songs that can have decent enough messages that make up for the elements that drag them down. Hell, I actually ended up putting a vaguely religious song on my best list for 1986! So why do I keep coming back to this genre on the worst lists? How does religious music keep on spouting out such crappers that end up becoming popular? Well, I can’t say I have the answers or even an idea about why this keeps happening. All I do know is that whoever was responsible for allowing this song into the hit parade should feel ashamed of themselves.

            #2. One Of Us (Joan Osborne) [--; 13; 5 weeks]

One of the biggest issues I think people seem to take with religious music is when it tries to tackle complicated subject matters in a not very thoughtful way. Take things like ‘From a Distance’ and ‘The Christmas Shoes’ as examples of such. I can’t say for certain that this song is necessarily better or worse than those songs, since they’re bad for different reasons. Specifically, these songs are all trying to answer different questions. For those first two songs, the question they’re trying to answer is, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” “One Of Us,” however, is trying to answer a different question entirely: “What if God was a human being like us?”

On the surface, this doesn’t sound like a bad premise for a song. In fact, this could potentially help us to understand God’s perspective on humankind. I mean, He did create humanity in his image after all, so how he would feel about being one of us seems like it would be a pretty significant look into how he views his own creations. The problem, unfortunately, comes from the fact that Joan Osborne didn’t actually think of anything interesting to say about the question. I mean, she does come up with her own questions to ask regarding this question, but most of them are just pretending to be deep but are really just pretentious as all hell, like “If God had a name, what would it be?” or “What would you ask if you had just one question?” or “If God had a face, what would it look like?” or “And would you want to see/If seeing meant that you would have to believe/In things like Heaven and in Jesus and the saints and all the prophits?” Yeah, I’m sure you’re enrapturing all the little children in your Sunday school class, Joan Osborne, but can you actually get around to answering the question you decided to address in your song?

In all fairness, Joan Osborne does answer the question. And here’s the answer she provides:

What if God was one of us?

Just a slob like one of us?

Just a stranger on the bus

Trying to make His way home?

…What the hell was that? So what I get from this is that Joan Osborne thinks that God sees humanity as slobs and, if he were human himself, he would rather commit suicide and return to Heaven than continue existing as a human being. That just seems like a horrible thing to be saying about humanity, that we’re so awful that God himself would rather be dead than be a part of it. Oh, and by the way Joan Osborne, do you know who else is part of humanity? YOU! So I sincerely hope you realize how hypocritical you sound by saying all this stuff! Look, for all I go on about how cynical I am, I would like to believe that I have faith in the good in humankind. I think that there are people out there that demonstrate that humanity is capable of being intelligent and beautiful and full of potential. Yeah, there are some awful, awful people in the world, but that’s not a reason to condemn the entirety of the human race to being ‘slobs’.

            Also, I notice that, despite how much she’s jerking off the giant phallic symbol of God throughout this entire song, Joan Osborne seems terribly disinterested in the whole ordeal. I mean, just listen to the way she sings on this song; she could not possibly sound more bored. Hell, she’s not even trying to sing on pitch during the chorus! And even ignoring how she’s singing the song, some of her lyrical choices indicate no thought or effort whatsoever. I mean, “Yeah, yeah, God is great/Yeah, yeah, God is good?” What kind of bridge is that supposed to be? Here’s what I hear when it gets to the bridge of the song: “Yeah, God’s good and stuff. Praise God or whatever.” I’m not a religious man, but isn’t religious music supposed to have some passion or emotional investment in it? Hell, even ‘From a Distance’ and ‘The Christmas Shoes’ got that right!

            I can’t think of a single thing about this song that’s even remotely good. If God was one of us, I don’t think he’d be disappointed in us for being ‘slobs’ like this song seems to indicate he would be. I think he’d be disappointed in us for allowing nuts like Joan Osborne to make awful music like this. And yet, despite all of this, there was still one song worse than this one.

            #1.

I feel like I haven’t really gotten to talk about this, but I don’t have anything against dance music. Yeah, most of it is pretty interchangeable and doesn’t really tend to stray outside of the trends of the time, but ultimately it’s harmless. Yeah, there are dance songs that can express some really stupid sentiments, such as objectifying people, be they women or men, doing drugs, “thuggin’” or the like. Not all of them do this though, and plenty of them can be pretty enjoyable. Hell, I’ve gone on record as stating that I actually like two entire genres of dance music: funk and disco.

However, it’s not like I don’t understand why the genre tends to get the flack that it does. Dance music also tends to set incredibly low standards for itself in terms of quality, and after several years of putting up with a particular genre of it, it can wear out its welcome pretty quickly. Such was the case with house music by 1995. Yeah, I know the genre resulted in the world being introduced to artists like Daft Punk, but prior to their appearance, the genre was just running out of ideas. Besides, once you’ve heard one house song, you’ve pretty much heard them all. But the house songs in 1995 just seemed especially lacking in thought or originality.

Fortunately, this next song did seem to have something of a new idea in mind with how it was put together. Unfortunately, said idea was also completely, utterly terrible.

#1. Short Dick Man (20 Fingers ft. Gillette) [76; 14; 11 weeks]

I don’t want to give this impression that I don’t like female rappers. On one of my previous lists, I mentioned that I thought Lil’ Kim’s verse on a song I didn’t like was the saving grace on that song, and I really loved Left Eye’s verse on TLC’s ‘Waterfalls.' Hell, I don’t even mind Da Brat that much; I think she had some decent songs in her. However, I can’t say I know enough about this Gillette person to say if she’s any good since Wikipedia doesn’t even have an article about her and AllMusic doesn’t even have an overview page on her. With just this song to go off of though, I’d say she’s rather terrible. But maybe I should start by focusing on the other act on the song. This is 20 Fingers, an American production and DJ duo consisting of Carlos “Charlie Babie” Rosario and Manfred “Manny” Mohr. They were primarily active in 1994 and 1995, after which they stopped making their own songs and started doing work predominantly on production for other people’s songs. Their lyrical choices are described on Wikipedia as being “humorous or risqué,” with some songs having fairly sexually explicit word choices or sounds, such as moaning.

I’m not bringing this up because I think that’s the reason this song is bad, although I do feel like that’s part of the reason the song is quite bad. No, this song made the list for one big reason. Now, I’ve covered various different flavors of bad in the past: condescending, pretentious, depressing, boring, uninteresting, insulting. But I think this will be my first time truly exploring this particular type of bad: obnoxious. This song is just annoying to listen to, from the music to the lyrics to this Gillette girl’s vocals. Between all of these different elements all vying for my annoyance, I want to strangle this song.

For starters, the beat and music are just this obnoxious drone of noises that all come together to form a cacophony of noise. There’s the dull, bass noise, coupled with the endless repeating beat, and what sounds like someone screeching in the background. I know it’s kind of redundant to say this, but dance music is supposed to make you want to dance, isn’t it? Why would anyone want to dance to this? And this continues all throughout the song, and the song goes on for just shy of five minutes, so by the time it’s over that ‘melody’ is still ringing in your head. It’s like the sound of your child crying at night; once you hear it, you can never unhear it.

And all that’s before we get to this Gillette girl’s part of the song. Her part is pretty much just her saying various different phrases all for the sake of shaming a guy for having a tiny dick. The most common you will hear in the song is “Don’t want no short dick man.” And again, she says these things all throughout the song, and it just grates on my nerves every time I hear her open her yap because her voice is just this mind-numbing thing that sounds like she’s doing a Cartman impression. And her laugh is just the worst, it’s sounds like an evil grandma laugh, and it’s dispersed at various points throughout the song.

And in the end, when the whole thing is over, there’s only one question that comes to mind regarding what there is to be said about this song: why? Why would these people want to make a song like this? Why would they hire someone with a baby voice to mock some hapless fool’s undersized sausage? Why would they make a beat for the song that sounds like it had minimal effort put into it? Why would they have this girl’s horrible laugh plastered all over the song as if it was supposed to be some kind of ad for how awful their song is? Is it supposed to be a joke? Why would they decide to make a joke song that’s this unfunny?

Ladies, gentlemen, I don’t want this song to leave the impression that a man’s only worth as much as the size of his penis. That kind of backwards thinking can be painful to some, unsatisfying to others and shameful to those that are caught under such scrutiny. As a wise actor once said: “It’s not the size that counts! It’s how you use it!” So there you have it folks: ‘Short Dick Man’ by 20 Fingers featuring Gillette: my pick for the worst hit song of 1995.