Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 1986

Ah, the 1980s! What can you say about the ‘80s?

            …What can I say about the ‘80s? I mean, the ‘80s were kind of a big deal for a while, but now people seem to have lost interest in favor of the ‘90s and the ‘70s, as per the 20 and 40-year rules of nostalgia. Sure, there are plenty of great artists that saw their biggest periods of success in the ‘80s; Prince, Michael Jackson, Madonna, David Bowie, George Michael. These would be the artists that would go on to represent all that this decade got right, all the places in which this decade would be remembered with fondness!

            Sadly, we’re not going to be seeing a lot of that for this list. See for this list we’re delving into the mid to late ‘80s, which did have some bits of positivity to them, but for the most part had basically exhausted their enthusiasm and devolved into a curdled mixture of bad soft rock and bad synth pop. I’ll be honest folks, this was a hard year for me to sit though, not even because of whether or not it was a bad year, but because it was just a difficult year to review. The ‘80s are already foreign territory to me, seeing as I was born in the ’90s and was raised by parents that completely despised the music from this decade. However, while I did get snippets of the good ’80s music that most people inevitably got exposed to a few years ago, I don’t really have a feel for some of what the late ‘80s had to offer. Probably for the first time putting these lists together, I actually had more trouble putting the worst list together just because most of the music from this year was too bland and lacking any distinguishingly bad enough features to be worth hating. I found plenty of songs I liked, few I genuinely hated and just a metric ton of others that I just couldn’t really care for one way or the other.

            However, this was the year I was asked to review, so this is what I have to work with. Besides, I figured this would be a good test of my skills as a critic, so goddamn if I’m going to back down from a challenge like this. Just a warning though folks, most of the worst songs from this year aren’t interestingly bad like they’ve been on my previous lists. No, the crap we have to sift through this time around is mostly just blandly awful, with only a couple songs actually having something worthy of actual contempt. What I guess this means is that, for most of my picks on this list, my attempts to list qualities that make these songs suck will pretty much just be grasping at straws trying to get a feel for why a song doesn’t work for me. However, make no mistake; all of the songs I’m going to be listing here are awful.

            Speaking of which, I’d say it’s about time to delve into our dishonorable mentions:

I’ll Be Over You (Toto) [99; 11; 12 weeks]

            Firing long time lead vocalist Bobby Kimball was a big mistake for Toto. They apparently tried to maintain some level of buoyancy on the pop charts by hitching onto the soft rock bandwagon. The problem with that was that the majority of music from this particular bandwagon wasn’t very good. And coming from the band that gave us ‘Hold the Line,’ ‘Rosanna’ and ‘Africa,’ this is a serious disappointment.

Earth Angel (New Edition) [--; 21; 6 weeks]

            Not much to say about this one besides the fact that it’s a shoddy cover and the lead singer’s vocals sound incredibly uncomfortable. It sounds like it’s being sung by a little kid, not even just a teenager; a child. And what’s especially disappointing is that I know New Edition are capable of making decent music. This though, this is just a nauseating bore.

Two of Hearts (Stacey Q) [51; 3; 13 weeks]

Can someone please tell me what part of the ‘80s thought that annoyingly stuttered lyrics were a good idea, so that I may find it, dig it up and burn it? Also, who’s idea was it to give this Stacy Q girl a singing career? Her voice is way too weak to be pulling off this kind of music. So, I guess it only makes sense why they would need to tone down everything else in the mix just so she doesn’t get overpowered.

The Sweetest Taboo (Sade) [55; 5; 13 weeks]

And here’s yet another song by a singer with a singing voice way too weak to actually pull it off. Also, this is a minor nitpick, but how is this guy she’s singing about a ‘taboo’? That would suggest that she’s forbidden from loving him, but nothing in the song seems to suggest that such is the case outside of that one line.

The Next Time I Fall (Peter Cetera & Amy Grant) [--; 1; 13 weeks]

Boring.

Friends and Lovers (Gloria Loring and Carl Anderson) [13; 2; 14 weeks]

Boring.

Love is Forever (Billy Ocean) [--; 16; 8 weeks]

Really boring.

Shake You Down (Gregory Abbott) [--; 4; 9 weeks]

Beginning to notice a pattern yet?

Oh People (Patti LaBelle) [--; 29; 3 weeks]

Here’s just another dull anthem preaching for world peace. The only way this one stands out is how annoyingly condescending the whole thing is. Basically the message is, “If everyone would just stop hating and love one another, all the problems in the world would go away and we’d all live happily! Oh, and also buy the song and spread the word around so it’ll happen faster.” If this had been an actual hit, trust me, it definitely would’ve made the cut.

            On the topic of what actually did make the cut though, it’s time for me to give you what you need, folks. This is…

…THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF 1986!

            #10.

            One major trend that was popular around this period of the ‘80s was the soft, romantic ballad song. I’ve said my bit about this type of song more than a few times, and by now have made it quite clear that I don’t care much for the genre. Soft, slow songs don’t really work when being used for love songs because the emotions expressed or the methods in which they’re delivered are too lightweight. They can easily come across more dour and joyless than anything, failing to convey any kind of discernable emotion of note. This is part of the reason Lionel Richie’s music is so easy to dislike; not only does it lack any kind of passion or energy to it, but he doesn’t convey enough emotional investment in the song to set any kind of tone for the audience to connect with. But if there’s anything worse than a dopey love ballad by Lionel Richie, it’s a dopey love ballad by a Lionel Richie wannabe.

#10. There’ll Be Sad Songs (To Make You Cry) (Billy Ocean) [16; 1; 14 weeks]

Billy Ocean was a former disco performer that cropped up right around the point when disco was beginning its decline in the mainstream, and apparently didn’t really do a great job transitioning out of it once the genre died at the end of the ‘70s. However, much like what Keith Sweat would go on to do after him, he realized he could delay his career’s death by just jotting out dull songs about love and romance and manage major success that way. I wouldn’t say that Billy Ocean was a terrible artist; he had a decent singing voice and some level of personality. Hell, I actually didn’t mind his other really big hit from 1986, ‘When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going’. However, he was plagued by a very serious problem: all of his music sounds the same. Your mileage may vary naturally, but for me all his music sounded incredibly interchangeable, and that only became even truer once he switched over to performing slow tempo, romantic ballads.

And that brings us to his other big hit from 1986, ‘There’ll Be Sad Songs (To Make You Cry).’ I guess he really felt a strong need to give his songs needlessly lengthy titles this year. Anyway, this song is basically the polar opposite of ‘When the Going Gets Rough;’ where that song was jubilant and upbeat, ‘There’ll Be Sad Songs’ is just an unfocused mess of random sad song elements trying desperately to warrant an emotional reaction from its audience. It has a soft, fuzzy sounding, electronic keyboard opening, said keyboard serving to drive the song forward. It has lyrics about heartache and sadness, talking about love songs and fires burning and two hearts beating in perfect harmony and various other love song clichés. And then the drums kick in as it gets to the chorus, with strings coming in during the final chorus to really drive the emotionally manipulative point home.

Honestly, if the song’s trying to prove a point, I’m not sure what that point’s supposed to be. Sad songs always make you cry? Love songs often make you cry? Neither of those are necessarily true. Plenty of love songs are written to be happy and jubilant. This, however, is trying to pass itself off as both a sad song and a love song, but it fails at both because it fails to capture any kind of emotional response. To put it bluntly, just because a song tells you that it’s sad and that you’re supposed to feel sad about what the performer is singing about, that by itself isn’t going to get the listener to find sympathy in the song. If a song wants to create an emotional reaction, it needs the right elements in place, set the right atmosphere to make that happen, and this song clearly does not.

#9.

As you might have guessed by now, most of the songs on this list are here because I found them boring. I honestly didn’t even realize until I started working on this year that I could find a song boring enough to be worth hating. However, that doesn’t mean that a few noteworthy flavors of stupid didn’t crop up now and then.

#9. The Rain (Oran “Juice” Jones) [--; 9; 9 weeks]

Dear God, where do I begin with this one?

…Well, I guess I could start with the name. I realize that there have been much stupider, much more ridiculous stage names that pop stars have used, even in the ‘80s, but seriously? ‘Juice’? Who does he think he is, the bully from ‘Garbage Pail Kids: the Movie’? Yeah, a film universally reviled and in the running for one of the worst films ever created! That’s what you want people to think of when they see your stage name!

I guess with a name like that I shouldn’t be surprised that the song he produced is something this juvenile. The music’s already dull and forgettable, doing nothing to set any kind of tone or mood. However, with Mr. Jones’s bland, monotonous performance, it only becomes even less interesting to listen to. The guy sounds like he’s reading things off of a grocery list. And the lyrics seriously do not help matters. For the chorus, you’ve got this: “I saw you (and him) walking in the rain / You were holding hands and I’ll never be the same.” You know, he won’t ever be the same, as opposed to seeing you hold hands with someone and not changing in the slightest. Considering the song’s entirely about the singer having caught the subject of the song cheating on him, there’s actually very little to implicate the person in question. Oh, she was holding hands with someone! And? Not to mention the fact that the narrator later reveals that he was following the woman in question to discover this doesn’t exactly paint him in the best light either.
            The verses don’t really fair much better. The first verse is basically about how he couldn’t sleep and felt insecure about his relationship with the woman in question, and decided to drive out and happened to witness her holding hands with someone. He doesn’t say the where, when or why regarding his drive; just that it wasn’t far. The second verse has the whole ‘you’re begging me not to leave you, to give you another chance’ scenario that many breakup songs present, particularly when it’s the lady in the relationship that was cheating, then has him concluding, “Girl I love you and I always will / But darling right now I’ve got to say goodbye”. Really? That’s the best you could come up with? “Oh, baby, I want to give our love another chance, but not right now. I need to say ‘goodbye’ right now; I’ve got errands to run.” Way to fail at adding any kind of emotional heft or weight to your putting this girl down, dude. Also, if you ‘love her and always will,’ you’re clearly not showing much emotional turmoil over this decision.

Of course, these are ultimately minor nitpicks and aren’t the real reasons why this song made the list. No, if you want to know how to truly fail at writing a convincing breakup song, we need to fast-forward all the way to the end of the song, which is taken up by, I kid you not, a two-minute spoken word bridge that is probably one of the lamest things ever put to radio. For starters, during this section he tries so hard to pass himself off as a tough guy and the bigger man by revealing that he stalked her and saying ‘you cold busted’. He even says that he was tempted to murder the both of them without any grounds that she was actually cheating on him, with the only reason he didn’t being that he didn’t want to get blood on his flashy coat. For starters, what kind of person just out and admits to his girlfriend that he was considering killing her? For that matter, why would he say to her face that he was stalking her? And what reason would his girlfriend have to actually listen to him when he tells her to shut her mouth? I feel like the natural reaction would be to call him out on the fact that he followed her. Then he reveals that he took out all her money from her bank accounts, cancelled all of her credit cards and took all the jewelry he ever bought her, then took everything of hers out of the apartment, packed it up and left it in the guest room. Again, who just flat out says all this to the face of their girlfriend, even if she did cheat on them? And then he goes on about how he bought her numerous expensive, fancy things and feels like she is obligated to be faithful to him because of it, and that he’s this high class person and she’s worth less than the dirt on his shoes and what have you. Oh, and also random ‘Silly rabbit, tricks are made for kids’ reference, because reasons. It is the most ridiculously phony-sounding put down I have ever heard. In fact, I’ll go out on a limb and say that that’s not actually what happened. What I think happened is that he wanted to call her out on cheating on him but got cold feet before promptly getting dumped by her, and then he started writing up this entire monologue later as a pathetic fantasy about how he wished it had gone down.

Yeah, I know it’s only the last half of the song, but tell me that it doesn’t make the entire rest of the song just sound pathetic in hindsight. In fact, this song even spawned three other songs written in response to it, all three of which serve to expose just how phony and pathetic this song is. Also, I guess it’s only fitting that ‘Juice’ never saw any further success after this song, and ultimately quit his music career after his second and third albums went nowhere; I guess the ‘Juice’ went sour pretty quickly. Doesn’t stop ‘The Rain’ from sucking though. Next!

#8.

            I admit, I don’t really pay much attention to song remixes. I tend to feel like a song should be able to stand on its own two feet without having to be remixed to salvage it. From my experience, when a song gets remixed, it’s generally for the worse. Of course, when the song’s already pretty crappy to begin with it’s not like there’s anything to salvage by remixing it. Case in point…

#8. I Can’t Wait (Remix) (Nu Shooz) [26; 3; 15 weeks]

Part of the reason I can’t really get into remixes is that they tend to add unnecessary effects to the song like fuzzy electronic portions that only serve to make the song sound atonal. The thing is, even before it was remixed, ‘I Can’t Wait’ already had rather unpleasant production work. The remix doesn’t have any kind of improvements or anything done, save for some brass parts here and there. The problem, however, comes from the fact that half the time I can’t make out the lyrics to the song. Of course, part of that’s just because of the poor production, but the other comes from the fact that the singer’s vocals sound like they were recorded with a cheap recording program of some sort. This is a problem both on the original version of the song and on the remix.

Of course, surely the song can be salvaged if its lyrics are good enough to make up for the crappy production, right? Well, see that’s the thing; even when you can make out the lyrics, they don’t make any sense. The main lyric that comes up in the song is the line ‘I Can’t Wait,’ but then that just brings up questions. What is she waiting for exactly? Is her lover making her wait for something from him? If so what? Why does she have to wait for it? Of course, even when you actually look up the lyrics, they don’t seem to be about anything in particular. The singer goes on about how she wants to know what’s on her lover’s mind, how she’ll always love him, even when he doesn’t put forth any effort, that she wants him to give something that she can’t live without, and that she can’t wait for various little interactions between the two of them, either over the telephone, through her love walking through the door, or when they’re alone. There just doesn’t seem to be any sense of cohesion in this song; it feels unfocused. None of the lines connect with each other, and none of the individual parts make enough sense or have enough strength to carry the song by themselves.

Of course, after this song fell from the charts, Nu Shooz wouldn’t really be able to achieve the same level of success, so they disappeared and were never heard from again. Moving on!

#7.

#7. Point of No Return (Nu Shooz) [--; 28; 8 weeks]

…Nevermind.

Okay, say what you want about ‘I Can’t Wait;’ at least that song kept the obnoxiousness of its production confined to a few areas and had some moments that almost redeemed its shoddiness. The same can most definitely not be said of ‘Point of No Return,’ where the crappy production is front and center, slathered all over the song like if someone used feces-filled toilet water to set the background for what might’ve otherwise been a respectable painting. The percussive sections that kick in, particularly for the final verse and at the end of the song, sound and feel like I’m getting stabbed repeatedly with a sword. And also, while the vocals for ‘I Can’t Wait’ weren’t exactly stellar, they were at least able to carry a melody and didn’t grate on my nerves. The vocals for ‘Point of No Return’ are like nails on a chalkboard. Even the harmonized sections don’t feel like they’re adding anything to the song, save to spare me from the unpleasant glissed notes that happen at the end of each line in each of the verses.

The tone of the song’s not very good either. The song’s apparently about how the singer has fallen for someone and how awesome she feels about having fallen for the person, but at no point does this feel like a love song, or even just a giddy, happy song about being in love. More than anything, this sounds like a children’s song; a really, really crappy children’s song that I wouldn’t wish to submit any child to except maybe as punishment. I mean, listen to it; nothing about it warrants being taken seriously, the tone’s too light and thin to actually warrant a tangible emotional reaction; it just doesn’t sound like a song written for adults. Hell, even the melody of the song sounds cheap, uncreative and sing-song-y.

It’s not even like the rest of Nu Shooz’s discography was much better either. That said, of the songs of theirs I’ve actually heard, ‘Point of No Return’ is by far their worst. Compared to their other songs, it’s just the most juvenile, the cheapest sounding, and the one with the most grating vocals. The only good thing I can think of to say about this song is that there are still six songs on this list that are worse than it. With that said…

#6.

Now, I’m not one to rag on message songs. If a bad song is written with a positive message in mind, it’s not a knock against the message being presented when I say that the song sucks; it’s just an indication that the best quality was not brought to the table when trying to showcase its message. If a song speaks to you because it has a positive message, far be it from me to criticize you for your moral standing regarding that message. However, as I’ve said before, I am an honest person, and as such I only think it right for me to be honest about my opinion as well. So when a song with a positive message in it turns out to be crap, I feel like it’s only fair to acknowledge it as such.

#6. We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off (Jermaine Stewart) [60; 5; 13 weeks]

Now, in hindsight, this song is kind of tragic, since the performer, Jermaine Stewart, would go on to die from AIDS-related liver cancer eleven years later. And it’s not like the song’s message is even a bad one. It’s okay to take your time in a relationship and not go straight to sex. Sometimes it’s better to get to know the person first and take your time. It gives you the chance to learn about the person you’re committing yourself to. And besides, it can be fun to take your time with a relationship. The person you’re hooking up with can turn out to have similar interests as you, and even if it doesn’t work out between the two of you, you could still become good friends anyway.

So, if I have all these positive things to say about the message of the song, why did I still place it on the list? Well, there’re a few minor issues I have with the song. For starters, the music’s not particularly interesting, just bland, generic ‘80s party song music, and oh God that electronic piano… The lyrics aren’t much to write home about either. They just don’t do a good job painting the idea of taking it slow as all that appealing. However, the biggest problem comes from Jermaine Stewart himself. Simply put, his voice on this song sounds terrible. I can’t exactly put my finger on what my main issue is; I don’t have a natural aversion to male performers with higher pitched vocals. And I don’t even have this specific problem on any of Stewart’s other songs either; on all of those songs, he sounds fine. So then what’s my issue with Stewart’s voice on this song specifically? Well I guess it might be this: something about it is just whiny and annoying to me. He doesn’t sound like someone you’d want to get it on with; he sounds like a teenager trying to whine his way into your heart. And it’s not just in the pitch; it’s the way he annunciates his words, or rather how he doesn’t. His words just sound like they slur into one another clumsily and haphazardly.

Jermaine Stewart actually did manage another top 40 hit song in 1987, but after that he wouldn’t really see any major success. And then he’d pass away ten years after that. It really is a shame that this song isn’t better than it is, because I do support its message on paper. In execution, however, I just can’t get behind this.

#5.

           

            Now, back on my best of 1976 list, I talked about how George Clinton never really saw any further success beyond Parliament’s very successful, and ridiculously good ‘Give Up the Funk.’ And while that’s true, that didn’t mean that the other artists that were part of Parliament-Funkadelic weren’t still able to find success in their own right. Of course, in some cases, maybe it would’ve been better if they hadn’t.

#5. Let’s Go All the Way (Sly Fox) [45; 7; 14 weeks]

Sly Fox were an ‘80s dance pop duo consisting of Puerto Rican vocalist Michael Camacho and American funk session musician and former Parliament-Funkadelic vocalist Gary ‘Mudbone’ Cooper. Not that you’d know that he’d have such a background listening to this song, which is like having wrecking balls banging inside your skull. I’ll be honest, that obnoxiously aggressive beat more than anything else is what put this song on the list, not that the rest of the song makes up for it.

Of course, there’s also the lyrics, which seem to be completely nonsensical. I mean, there seems to be an overarching theme of the issues in the world today. This is suggested by lyrics such as, “Presidential party / No one wants to dance,” “Workin’ in a factory / Eight days a week,” “Rich man poor man / Livin’ in fantasy,” “Livin’ in New York / Looks like an apple core” and “California dreamers / Sinkin’ in the sand.” On the surface, these sound like they’re talking about real problems in the world and trying to draw attention to our flawed society. However, it doesn’t actually elaborate on any of those statements in any way. It just kind of checks them off like items on a grocery list. And then it lets loose on the chorus with a bizarrely sexual sounding lyric repeated over and over again, that has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the song. As I said before, I have nothing against message songs, so long as the message is something I can get behind. I don’t have any idea what this song’s trying to convey with its message though. It just sounds like something that someone would use to try and brainwash children into joining the army or something. I can’t be the only one that thinks that, can I?

The rest of their singles didn’t really seem much better, so I’m not all that heartbroken about the fact that these guys disbanded by the end of the decade. Still, this is just a mess of a song, and I feel like I’ve been hammered into the ground every single time I hear it!

#4.

Now here’s a tired, overused subject matter that we really didn’t need to see more of in pop music: break up songs! Because we still need to know just how much it sucks to have a relationship go sour, don’t we? It’s not like those listening have already experienced a bad break up at this point and know exactly how much it sucks, right? Don’t we desperately need to see more break up songs in pop music?

The answer, of course, is “no.”

#4. All Cried Out (Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam) [61; 8; 13 weeks]

As if it isn’t bad enough that we’re seeing an overused troupe cropping up. We also get it delivered courtesy of Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam. Those of you keeping up with my lists may recall that I listed a song of theirs as a dishonorable mention on my ‘worst of ‘91’ list. Well, my dear readers, you can take comfort now in knowing that they always sucked. This was their first of only three songs of theirs that would chart in the top ten, with 1987 having them see much greater success with their follow ups “Head to Toe” and “Lost in Emotion,” which honestly are about as good as this piece of crap.

How much does this song suck? Well, let’s start with the lyrics. For starters, I should note that this song seems overly obsessed with fire imagery. Seriously, between lines like “My tears will burn the pillow” and “Romance up in flames, why should I take the blame,” you’d think that the song was trying to set itself on fire so that it didn’t have to exist. Also, how would tears burn things, I mean unless you cry bleach or kerosene or something? Oh, and I just love the ‘Apology not accepted’ line. Tell me you didn’t write this song in kindergarten. Hell, even kindergarteners could come up with something better than this! Furthermore, the song’s use of a second vocalist is kind of wasted in that, rather than using the opportunity to show two different sides of the break up, it basically just has both of them saying the exact same thing: that the guy was in the wrong. That’s just lazy songwriting; you might as well have just told the entire song from the one vocalist’s perspective!

Then there’s trying to discern the exact tone this song is trying to convey. The song starts with the narrator talking about being upset, how she’ll hide her emotions behind the raindrops. But then she starts whining about how she’s tired of the narrator lying, though it gives us no details regarding what he was lying about, save for the line, “All I needed was a simple ‘hello.’” Then it seems to imply that she’s being passive aggressive and insisting that he should’ve noticed that she was crying despite being covered up by traffic. Then it talks about her giving him sex or something? Then it shifts to the guy’s perspective, with him saying that he was in the wrong for never seeing things her way. But then he drops the line, “Now I see that the grass is greener,” which has nothing to do with the rest of the verse. Then the first narrator says she wants him to leave her alone, despite the fact that she’s complaining about him neglecting her, refusing to accept an apology, then basically talking down to him for ‘weakening so easily’ after she gave him all her love?

The only thing I can say about this song is that it sounds calculated. It’s a string of break up song clichés piled one on top of another to try and wring an emotional reaction out of the audience. And even if I were to believe that this was coming from somewhere real, the person going through all this needs some kind of help to get their head straight and get to the root of the problem before going off and complaining about five different things she wasn’t satisfied with from the relationship. If Lisa Lisa wants to whine about how she’s so neglected despite the fact that she’s insisting on being left alone and get all passive aggressive over her ex caving in after one bout of sex, fine. But she shouldn’t expect me to care about it.

#3.

You know what doesn’t serve to make a song’s message better? Redundancy!

#3. Live is Life (Opus) [--; 32; 5 weeks]

Okay yes, this song only barely qualified for this list; if it had dropped off the charts just one week sooner it would’ve just been a dishonorable mention at best. However, it did qualify, so it gets placement on this list. And rightly so, if you ask me, because when you get down to it this song is completely hollow, meaningless fluff. It doesn’t even pretend to be about anything; the chorus primarily consists of a background of people chanting ‘na na na na na,’ for God’s sake. And the rest of the lyrics that aren’t just nonsense are just statements of redundancy and half formed sentiments and phrases that don’t actually add up to anything when you give them even the tiniest bit of attention. Now, considering they’re Austrian, it would be easy to dismiss the nonsensical lyrics as being the result of them not having a great grasp of the English language and maybe feel like giving them some leniency. However, when there were non English acts like A-Ha and Falco that were able to make decent songs that also had nonsensically used English lyrics, I don’t understand why you would be making such excuses to be listening to these guys over those acts.

And even if you just disregard the lyrics and try to enjoy the song as a goofy little sing-a-long, it doesn’t even manage that all that well. The song’s so dull, lackluster and uninteresting that there really isn’t a lot for me to say about it. The song’s primary driving forces are monotonous hand clapping and a terribly stiff guitar lick. The main reason for the hand clapping seems to be because they would always play the song live. I would comment on how they play the song in the studio, except I can’t find a version of the song in the studio. I can only imagine this being because the song would sound a lot more awkward without a drunken audience letting themselves be humored by these guys’ half-assed performance. It does not say good things about your song when it actually loses momentum every time it gets to the chorus!

And it’s not even like Opus was that great of a band by themselves anyway, even discounting this song from their discography. Their material was staggeringly mediocre at best and…well, the likes of ‘Live is Life’ at worst. In fact, they actually rereleased this song in 1994, which should serve as an indicator of just how lackluster they were as a band in that they couldn’t even come up with enough songs to forge an identity for themselves without just recycling their one noteworthy success. Well, look on the bright side, Opus: at least your home country of Austria still loves you. That’s got to mean something, right? Right?

#2.

Like I said earlier, I don’t inherently hate all message songs. I can get behind the sentiment of ‘We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off,’ even if the song itself isn’t worth my time. Hell, I don’t even have anything against most religious music on that same logic, since the genre isn’t inherently terrible, so long as the message is actually something I can get behind. No, if a message song wants to really get under my skin, there is no faster way for it to do this than with an inherently flawed or just plain awful message.

#2. Human (The Human League) [25; 1; 15 weeks]

So, let’s all just pause for now and use our imaginations for a brief moment. Picture, if you will, a scenario where you have cheated on your lover. Your lover has become aware of the fact that you cheated on them and they’re now very upset about this. You feel really terrible about what you did and know that you need to be very careful about what you say next. What do you do in this scenario? Would you apologize for what you did? Would you be the bigger person in this scenario and own up to your mistakes and accept full responsibility for what you did? Would you put forth every last bit of effort you could muster to make sure that you never hurt the one you cared about in this manner ever again?

Well, too bad, because that’s not the solution that the Human League have to offer up for this scenario! Nope, if you’re going off of their logic, then the only reasonable solution for this hypothetical situation is to make excuses and try to justify the awful, irresponsible act you have committed and put forth no effort to indicate that you won’t do it again, or even that you’re sorry for what you did. After all, it’s not your fault for cheating on your lover! You’re only human; it’s in your nature to make mistakes! That’s right folks, cheating on your lover isn’t all that terrible of an act to do; it’s just a ‘mistake,’ a minor misstep, an insignificant miscalculation!

I’m not making that up folks; that is actually what ‘Human’ by the Human League is about. I’m already not a fan of songs about cheating, but I especially hate songs that try to justify it like this one does. I know I said previously that I try not to let my morals have that much sway over my opinion of a song when ranking it for these lists, but when the entire point of the song is about trying to justify something like this, then the song is already inherently a failure because it’s trying to make excuses for something that you really shouldn’t be trying to make excuses for. The song’s goal is inherently flawed, so there’s no way that it can succeed at accomplishing it. And you know what’s especially stupid about this song? During the bridge near the end of the song, there’s a section where the girlfriend not only actually forgives the guy, but admits that she was cheating on him too.

And you know what, even ignoring the awful, awful, terrible message the song’s trying to convey, the song can’t even stand on its own well enough to actually justify the song’s existence by itself. There is no emotional investment in the performances on this song whatsoever. The music sounds about as bland and cookie cutter as a bad ‘80s slow tempo ballad can sound. There’s no build up or payoff to be had from this music; it remains just as flat and monotonous from beginning to end. This only serves to accentuate just how much the singer doesn’t sound like he actually feels bad about what he did.

The sad thing is that I can’t even really find this song terrible enough to even be worth feeling offended by just because it’s so bland in all other respects outside of the subject matter. It’s just a dull, grey puddle of fecal matter that symbolizes just how bad the ‘80s could get when no effort was being put forth. And yet, believe it or not, as far as bad ‘80s ballads go, there was actually one worse that came out this year. Prepare yourselves, folks; it’s going to get ugly…

#1.

Generally when the biggest star in a group of performers, usually the lead singer of a band, decides to start a solo career, it can be a bit of a mixed bag. Some artists that went solo went on to have very good solo careers, such as George Michael, Michael Jackson and Justin Timberlake. However, there are also artists whose careers likely would have been better off sticking with their band or group. Artists like Gwen Stefani and will.i.am, who once were capable of creating quality music, suddenly started pumping out complete crap once they started going solo. Part of it comes from the fact that these acts were already kind of selling out in one sense or another so more of their work is influenced by studio hacks than by the artists themselves. More importantly though, the reason that acts like these lose some of their quality when they go solo is that they had the help from the rest of the band they were with behind them before. Going solo takes that away from them and forces them to utilize their own talents. Granted, they can just hire other people to cover bases they can’t, but then they’re working with people they have no familiarity working with, and in that case they might as well have just stuck with the rest of their band mates.

So, why do I bring all this up? Well, because there occasionally comes an example when a band has already sold out and given up whatever quality they might have had previously, meaning that whatever possible promise that said band would have had is already gone, and yet not only does the band persist, but then its lead singer decides to start a solo career on top of that. And when you want the perfect example of an artist starting a solo career despite having zero grounds for anyone to expect anything of quality to come of it, look no further than Peter Cetera.

#1. Glory of Love (Peter Cetera) [14; 1; 14 weeks]

I’ve never really had anything against Chicago, or Peter Cetera for that matter. Granted, that could just be because I’ve never really exposed myself to most of the work of either act. I mean, I listened to ‘If You Leave Me Now’ back when I was working on my worst list for 1976, but that was just one song and didn’t properly reflect the full scope of their discography, at the time anyway. However, going back through their discography showed me that, early on at least, they did at least have some talent as a band. Yes, even Peter Cetera had good music in him at one point. And yet, by 1986 it’s clear listening to ‘Glory of Love’ that the man just wasn’t trying anymore.

This is obvious just looking at the lyrics alone. These are some of the most unmemorable, uninspired lyrics I’ve heard in a love song. All of them are just love song clichés about how they’ll fight for each other’s love and how they’ll always love each other and being the other’s hero and knight in shining armor and blah blah blah…These lyrics are like stale crackers: brittle, flavorless and completely unable to offer any kind of satisfaction no matter how many times you take them in. Forget glory of love; these lyrics don’t even manage to capture the essence or concept of love, let alone any semblance of glory.

Of course, that’s the least of the song’s worries when you also have the lackluster production and Peter Cetera’s terrible vocals to throw in on top of that. The guy’s auto tune is so bad it sounds like a computer is generating his voice; it sounds inhuman! And, you know, if it was just the issue of the auto tune, I could find a way to deal with that. But the way his voice resonates through the auto tune makes it migraine inducingly unpleasant to listen to. In fact, you know how in some shows with a sound manipulating character the guy tends to have the ability to generate high frequency sound waves that can shatter glass or throw off people’s equilibrium? That’s what it’s like listening to Peter Cetera’s vocals on ‘Glory of Love.’ I don’t understand why it’s only this song of his that I have this issue with; I don’t have this reaction to any other songs of his, even from post-sell out Chicago.

Oh, and apparently this was also meant as the theme song to the second ‘Karate Kid’ film. What does it have to do with the film? How does it tie into karate or the characters of the story? It doesn’t. It’s just a cheap, uninspired ballad that Cetera coughed out just for a hit in his solo career. This song is an embodiment of everything wrong with music back in the mid ‘80s: transparently commercial, lacking any semblance of original thought, dull, slow and boring. So I think it only fitting that I award this song the only ‘glory’ it warrants or deserves: the worst hit song of 1986! Good riddance!

Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 1976

Hello again folks. I want to take a moment and say that I hope I didn’t leave the wrong impression about how I felt about this particular year. Yes, I did have quite a bit of bile and anger about quite a few songs that came out in 1976, but ultimately I’m happy that I chose this year specifically to look through. Why? Because, for the most part, the music that came out this year was very good. In fact, it was ridiculously good. Not only was the good music incredibly good, there was also plenty of it. There were so many good songs that came out this year that I actually have way more songs to include on the honorable mentions list than I normally would choose to. I’ll get to those momentarily, but I just want to take a moment to just show how much I appreciate that a year like this existed, and that I got the chance to cover it. Considering how few and far between genuinely good years in pop music tend to be nowadays, it’s nice to look back at the good stuff that stood out and had a seriously positive impact on our culture, both at the time and today.

But enough beating around the bush; I get the feeling that you’d prefer I just cut to the chase and get to the songs already. Very well then, I shall. First things first: the rather hefty list of honorable mentions:

You’ll Never Find Another Love Like Mine (Lou Rawls) [32; 2; 13 weeks]

This was a groovy little dance number delivered courtesy of American gospel, R&B, soul, jazz and blues performer Lou Rawls. This was his biggest and most successful single, but that’s not to say he’s not still a talented performer. Frank Sinatra once stated that he had “the classiest singing and silkiest chops in the singing game,” and I can definitely see why he would make that claim. That said, I felt like I had a bit of trouble buying into this song. Just something about the cockiness and overconfidence the singer conveys just turns me off to it a little. Still, with Rawls’s deep, soulful vocals, I would definitely say it’s still quite a lovely song to groove to with your lover.

Blinded By The Light (Manfred Mann’s Earth Band) [--; 32; 3 weeks]

This song was a much bigger hit in the following year, but it technically first charted in the top 40 in ’76, so I’m barely counting it as an honorable mention. This has to be one of the strangest songs I’ve heard; the lyrics are basically nonsensical. This song was originally written and performed by Bruce Springsteen, who put it together by basically just picking out random words from a rhyming dictionary and sticking them together. No, seriously; that’s how this song was made. And when Manfred Mann’s Earth Band covered it, they ended up changing some of the lyrics, so it became even more nonsensical. And yet, despite how little sense the song actually makes, I can’t help but enjoy it. Just the bombast and enthusiasm behind the song won be over before I could even think of just how little sense the song actually made.

Over My Head (Fleetwood Mac) [--; 20; 5 weeks]

I honestly wish that country music would start moving back in this direction, less stuff about cars, beer and hoes and more about personal emotions and with a bit of a more theatrical feel to them.

Hurricane (Bob Dylan) [--; 33; 3 weeks]

Okay, yes, I think Bob Dylan’s voice sounds like sandpaper at points. That said, I feel it actually works for a song like this one. This isn’t trying to be a pretty pop song; it’s a song about a real event that had serious, real consequences on people and includes uncomfortable subject matters. Songs like this don’t really crop up nowadays on mainstream radio anymore, well besides Macklemore’s ‘Same Love,’ but that’s addressing a completely different subject matter.

Slow Ride (Foghat) [85; 20; 12 weeks]

Now here’s an awesome rock song. I especially like that, despite its theme of relaxing and taking your time, the song still has energy and a driving force behind it.

More Than A Feeling (Boston) [--; 5; 12 weeks]

Speaking of rock music classics, here’s yet another. I like how the song’s verses are soft and contemplative; they serve as nice contrasts to the much louder, more bombastic chorus.

Who’d She Coo? (Ohio Players) [86; 18; 10 weeks]

This was a really good year for funk, disco and dance music. So, brace yourselves, folks; there’s a lot more where this came from.

Happy Days (Pratt & McClain) [--; 5; 10 weeks]

Yes, I’m aware that this song was technically first recorded in 1974, and again in 1975. However, the version that became a hit was the single off of Pratt and McClain’s ‘Pratt & McClain Featuring Happy Days’ album. And honestly folks, I think this song still holds up today. Yes, the show didn’t ultimately survive with the same level of quality after it jumped the shark, but the theme song is still a classic.

That’s the Way (I Like It) (KC and the Sunshine Band) [45; 3; 5 weeks]

Now this is how disco music should be made: tight, groovy and energetic, and most importantly, no stupid duck noises!

I’d Really Love To See You Tonight (England Dan & John Ford Coley) [21; 2; 17 weeks]

I think this is a rather sweet song. It sounds like it’s about someone trying to meet up with another person after a long time has passed. It also seems to imply that there were romantic feelings between the two of them at one point, or that they might still be there, but that the narrator is trying not to let those feelings sway him. It’s not exactly something deep or meaningful, but still a nice, little, sentimental song.

Love Rollercoaster (Ohio Players) [30; 1; 9 weeks]

And here’s yet another song by the Ohio Players, and yet another sweet song to dance to. They seem to have a strong knack for creating songs out of a single repeated phrase and having them turn out really good. Maybe the Silver Convention could’ve afforded to take a few more pages from their songwriting book.

Theme From S.W.A.T. (Rhythm Heritage) [29; 1; 12 weeks]

I think this will be my first time talking about a purely instrumental theme. Though, considering most of the dance songs I’ve looked at so far haven’t really had the lyrics actually meaning anything, I guess it makes sense that I’d eventually get to a dance song that did away with lyrics altogether. To be fair though, it’s not like the song really needs them.

Disco Lady (Johnnie Taylor) [3; 1; 13 weeks]

For how harsh I was with the dance songs that appeared on the worst list, I’m certainly seeing quite a few songs that made up for them on this list. This is probably one of the more laid back dance songs that came out this year, primarily because of the production, which I think is the real star of this song. 

Getaway (Earth, Wind & Fire) [80; 12; 12 weeks]

Now here’s a dance song I can get behind: a song that not only invites the listener to dance, but offers escape, sanctuary from the oppressive outside world through dance. And of course, it’s only fitting that such a song would come from Earth, Wind & Fire.

Fopp (Ohio Players) [--; 30; 5 weeks]

I honestly think I might become a fan of the Ohio Players at this rate. Maybe I should check out more of their music. This song in particular is a nice contrast from their other songs, having a much more aggressive feel to it that makes it a lot more memorable.

You’re My Best Friend (Queen) [83; 16; 11 weeks]

This is a pretty interesting song coming from Queen. It’s certainly one of the more subdued songs of theirs that I’ve heard. I mean, yes, they were able to release things like ‘Crazy Little Thing Called Love,’ and ‘Who Wants to Live Forever,’ but I’m not sure if those songs managed to still capture the essence of Queen in the same way that this song did. Their trademark ‘wall of sound’ effect that they create with their harmonies is still present, as are Freddie’s unmistakable vocals.

Doctor Tarr & Professor Fether (The Alan Parsons Project) [--; 37; 2 weeks]

You most likely have no idea what this song is. And if such is the case, I humbly suggest you rectify this. It’s a song that intentionally tries to come across as unsettling and atmospheric, and I think it pulls it off. I mean, just listen to that guitar line, and the organ! Sadly, it lyrically feels kind of lacking, with words mostly thrown together to create rhymes, though to be fair the words used do still flow into each other well.

Turn the Beat Around (Vicki Sue Robinson) [38; 10; 13 weeks]

Okay, I’ll admit, there were a lot of disco dance songs that came out this year that I liked. There are still more of them to be listed here; I’m not finished yet. I guess I’m just a real sucker for disco music.

Car Wash (Rose Royce) [--; 9; 4 weeks]

Quick question: is this song supposed to be glorifying working at the car wash or making it sound like horrible, grueling work? I’m just a bit confused about what the song’s giving me. Of course, this is yet another dance song, so it really doesn’t matter either way. The goal of the song has nothing to do with cars; it exists for one purpose and one purpose only: to make you dance. And in that regard it definitely succeeds.

I Only Wanna Be With You (Bay City Rollers) [--; 12; 12 weeks]

I honestly think this is a really nice song; it’s just a cute little affirmation of one’s feelings for another. Also, unlike the Stampeders’ disastrous cover of ‘Hit the Road Jack,’ the Bay City Rollers’ version actually has them sound like they’re able to perform this song and perform it well. This is how you cover a song!

Nights On Broadway (The Bee Gees) [--; 13; 3 weeks]

This technically was a bigger hit in 1975 and only barely bled over into being a hit in ’76, but it’s still a really good song and definitely would’ve qualified for the list otherwise.

You Should Be Dancing (The Bee Gees) [31; 1; 12 weeks]

As long as we’re talking about the Bee Gees, might as well bring this one up also. This is a good example of music that doesn’t casually request its listener to dance like ‘Get Up and Boogie’ tried and failed to do, but rather commands its listener to dance.

I Love Music (The O’Jays) [52; 5; 8 weeks]

I told you I wasn’t finished listing disco songs. I guess the main things about this particular one that make it stand out are the bongos. They just add a unique kind of energy to the beat. Besides that though, it’s a nice little declaration of love and appreciation for music, especially that which has a nice groove to it, that is also nice to dance to.

Boogie Fever (The Sylvers) [20; 1; 15 weeks]

Not really a lot to be said about this one. I’ll at least say it made better use of the word ‘boogie’ than the Silver Convention did.

Action (Sweet) [--; 20; 7 weeks]

This is what I tend to lean more towards in terms of rock music: music that has lots of energy and bombast. Not the only song by Sweet that I liked this year either, but I’ll get to that when we get into the list proper.

I Wish (Stevie Wonder) [--; 7; 5 weeks]

…Okay, this is the last honorable mention I’m listing here, I swear.

Now then, get ready to shake shake shake your booties, ladies and gentlemen, ‘cause we are counting down…

…THE TOP 10 BEST HIT SONGS OF 1976!

            #10.

It really does not say good things about me when I have to begin my best list right off the bat with an apology. I’m not apologizing for the song I’m listing here for the record; it’s a beautiful song and I like it a lot. No, I’m apologizing for my rather harsh criticisms of Whitney Houston back when I put ‘All the Man That I Need’ on my worst of ’91 list. I stated that I wasn’t really a fan because her music tended to be too overblown for me, and I wasn’t that big of a fan of slow tempo ballads, especially ones that had the performer collaborating with the likes of Kenny G of all people. That said, I was still being rather disrespectful to an artist who had made serious contributions to the music world, who went through a lot of serious problems through her life including drug abuse and being abused by her husband, and who had died three years prior. So, me talking badly about Whitney Houston back on that list, I just want to offer my sincerest apologies for that. After all, while I’m not and haven’t ever been a fan, I will acknowledge that Whitney Houston was a very good performer. She had a lot of talent and was able to perform very powerful songs. And she was capable of exercising decent range in her music, performing slow-tempo love songs and even energetic dance music like ‘How Will I Know’ and ‘I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me).’ And she was responsible for breaking down barriers for a lot of black female performing artists that would follow her, such as Janet Jackson and Anita Baker.

However, as far as famous black female performing artists go, before we had Whitney Houston, there was Diana Ross.

#10. Theme From Mahogany (Do You Know Where You’re Going To) (Diana Ross) [43; 1; 8 weeks]

Back when she was a part of the all female group the Supremes, which was one of Motown’s most successful acts of the 1960s, Diana Ross’s fame rivaled that of the Beatles in terms of worldwide popularity, and with her success future African American R&B and soul groups were also able to find mainstream success. Over the course of both her time with the Supremes and her solo career, Ross has earned a grand total of 18 number one hit songs, and influenced numerous artists, including Janet Jackson, Michael Jackson, Mariah Carey, Christina Aguilera, Lil’ Kim, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, Fergie, Jennifer Lopez, Mary J Blige and Leona Lewis, and African American women groups, such as the Emotions, TLC and Destiny’s Child. She’s also credited as having discovered the Jackson 5.

As for this song in particular, this is the theme to Ross’s second film, Mahogany, a film that casts her as an aspiring fashion designer who becomes a runway model and a star of the fashion industry. Sadly, while it was a success at the box office, this film was a disaster, both in terms of critical reception and behind the scenes, with the film’s director being fired during production, leaving Motown founder Berry Gordy to direct the film himself. However, Ross clashed with Gordy during filming, eventually resulting in Ross leaving the production before they’d finished filming it. And having now watched the finished product…yeah, it was kind of a mess of a movie. With all the tension going on between people during production, I can’t imagine how this film could have been salvaged. However, if anything good came from the existence of this movie it was this song.

The song presents questions of uncertainty regarding the pursuit of one’s life goals, and reflects on the narrator’s own insecurity regarding their life choices. One such question is actually rather interesting: “Why must we wait so long before we’ll see how sad the answers to those questions can be?” That’s actually a good question to ask. Why do we have to wait before we find the answers to the questions we’re asked about our life goals and dreams of the pursuit of happiness, especially when it turns out that the things we’re pursuing might not necessarily be the things that will ensure we achieve that happiness we seek? And the music matches that tone very well, with its soft, contemplative feel, though matching it with possibly a subtle hint of optimism. But really, what makes this song work is Diana Ross herself, who, being perfectly honest, has a beautiful voice and just really sells the insecurity and lack of clarity behind the song.

When I think of a song that captures the idea of light at the end of a tunnel, this song is what comes to mind. I’m not normally one for soft, slow-tempo ballads, but I have to give it up for this one. In a year that was dominated by disco and funk music it was a breath of fresh air.

#9.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1o0Vv8lr41w

Couldn’t have put it better myself, Mr. Walken.

#9. (Don’t Fear) The Reaper (Blue Öyster Cult) [--; 12; 14 weeks]

Yeah, I bet plenty of you reading this didn’t even know this was a hit. I first heard about this song through my older sister from when she played it on Rock Band. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but since I was exposed to it, I think it’s grown on me.

The first things I’d like to talk about are the lyrics and theme of the song. The lyrics focus on the inevitability of death, and how foolish it is to live in fear of it. This doesn’t mean that the Blue Öyster Cult were trying to glorify death or advertise suicide when they wrote the song, but rather just encourage people not to be afraid of death as opposed to actively seeking it. Much like how, ‘the seasons don’t fear the reaper, nor do the wind, the sun or the rain,’ people need not spend their lives haunted by the fear of death, but choose to accept it, live their lives to the fullest and, once their time comes, face their death with quiet, dignity and grace. The song also focuses on the theme of eternal love, with such lines as ‘Romeo and Juliet are together in eternity’ reflecting the idea of lovers transcending physical boundaries and being united in death, with their love never fading.

Okay, the themes are one thing, but what about the music? Well, as I said before, I didn’t really buy into it at first; I felt like it was a bit too soft, but it’s grown on me. I think the main selling point for me is the guitar riff, which is built on the ‘i-VII-VI’ chord progression. Said riff was recorded with a Gibson ES-175 guitar run through a Music Man 410 combo amplifier, giving it a very distinct, classic rock sound. Also, as Christopher Walken was kind enough to bring up, the song features prominent use of the cowbell, though interestingly enough was originally recorded without it, but had it overdubbed into the song later. And I’m glad that they ultimately decided to do so because that sound helps bring the song together. Normally I’m bothered by tiny little percussive sound effects that resemble woodblocks or water, but this one I’m willing to tolerate because it’s far enough at the back of the track that it’s not actively overpowering any other parts of the song.

And lastly, there are the vocals. The softer, more relaxed feel that lead singer Donald ‘Buck Dharma’ Roeser brings to the song matches the song’s subject matter, that being to accept and not be afraid of the inevitability of death. In fact, music critic Nathan Buckett compared the vocals on the song to those of the Beach Boys. I’m not necessarily sure I’d go that far, but I can say this: I’d definitely take the Blue Öyster Cult trying to be the Beach Boys over the Beach Boys’ own contribution to 1976, an underperformed cover of Chuck Berry’s ‘Rock and Roll Music’.

Bottom line, this song is both an awesome song and a good message. Don’t live in fear of death, since it’s not a possibility but a certainty. Though that doesn’t mean you should go actively seeking it out; just accept it and keep living your life.

#8.

If you’ve been paying attention to either of these lists so far, it should be abundantly clear that there was a fuck ton of funk music in 1976; a funk ton, if you will. On the one hand, the abundance of funk music is greatly welcomed because, well, funk and disco music are awesome and it’s a shame that we still wound up getting outright stupid pieces of crap like ‘Disco Duck’ to give such music a bad name. On the other hand, with so much of this music being accumulated all in one year, some of it tends to blend into each other. So if one were in a situation where one would need to listen to a lot of different songs from these genres consecutively, like I did when putting these lists together, all of the songs end up sounding uncomfortably similar. I sincerely hope I’m not coming across as saying ‘all black music sounds the same,’ because that’s not true at all. I love all of the funk songs listed above; I just tend to struggle with identifying what elements from one such song I like in place of the elements from a different song. I feel like this is less of a problem with the music and more of a problem with myself for not being able to properly distinguish the things I like from one song from the things I like from a different song. The bottom line is I really had a lot of trouble trying to pick just one song to represent the genre as a whole for this list. So please understand that I did not make this choice lightly.

#8. Give Up the Funk (Tear the Roof Off the Sucker) (Parliament) [93; 15; 10 weeks]

This is probably going to be the hardest song for me to talk about on this list. Again, this has nothing to do with the song itself, but more to do with my inability to specify what exact elements are present on this song that distinguish it from all the other funk songs to come out this year. In fact, it’s also kind of hard for me to talk about why it’s this song in particular that I like, since it demonstrates many qualities that are also present on songs that were dishonorable mentions on the worst list. For example, it’s incredibly repetitive, basically repeating two different segments together over and over, with occasional breaks with repeated musical segments. So, what stops me from dismissing this song as being no better than the other mindless, overly repetitious dance songs that this year spawned?

Well, there are a couple of things that work in this song’s favor. For starters, while every segment of the song is repeated at least once throughout the song, the structure of the song is such that I don’t hear any segment enough times consecutively for it to wear out on me. Each line is only repeated four times at most. It’s just varied enough that I can enjoy each segment without them wearing out on me. In addition, some segments have slight variations to them in terms of the vocals or the instrumentation, so each repeated segment does slightly change and evolve over the course of the song. For example, one segment, when first repeated, has a much more prominent bass voice over the rest of the track.

I guess another thing about this song that makes it stand out a bit more is the interplay between the instruments.  The primary instrumental parts are the bass and drums, with the brass and synthesizers basically working in tandem with those. Another thing I should note is that the album cut of the song begins with a bass vocal part repeating the lines, ‘Tear the roof off/We gonna tear the roof off the mother sucker/Tear the roof off the sucker.” This is absent from the single version, which I honestly think is a shame because that bass vocal part really helps to start off the song’s momentum.

If there’s anything more impressive than the song, it’s probably the story behind Parliament themselves. They were originally a ‘50s doo-wop group called ‘The Parliaments’ led by George Clinton, consisting of ten members; five vocalists and five instrumentalists. However, due to a contractual dispute, Clinton lost the rights to the name ‘The Parliaments’ and instead signed the instrumentalists as ‘Funkadelic,’ with the vocalists featured as uncredited guests. The singers would eventually be relaunched as the singing group ‘Parliament,’ meaning Clinton then owned two different acts consisting of the same members, but with each marketed as creating two different styles of funk. While continuing contractual problems and the fact that Funkadelic’s music was more successful at the time lead to Clinton abandoning the name ‘Parliament,’ the addition of new members to the group lead to him relaunching Parliament in 1974, this time selling them as a smoother R&B-based funk ensemble to serve as counterpoint to the guitar-based funk rock of Funkadelic. Unfortunately, with the increase in members to the Parliament-Funkadelic group over the course of the ‘70s, and several key members of the group leaving due to issues they took with Clinton’s management style, things weren’t looking great for the groups by the late ‘70s. And the early ‘80s didn't see them fairing much better, since Clinton was facing legal issues due to the multiple names of different groups associated with him, as well as issues with Casablanca Records, the record company they were working under. Under all this pressure, Clinton ultimately dissolved both Parliament and Funkadelic as recording and touring groups. However, many of the musicians within the two groups at this point in time were still employed by Clinton, who continued releasing albums, both under his name and the name ‘George Clinton & the P-Funk All-Stars,’ and they continued touring at least into the ‘90s and 2000s.

While Parilament managed to score a second hit with ‘Flash Light’ in 1978, none of the other groups associated with George Clinton managed to gain as much success as Parliament achieved with ‘Give Up the Funk,’ sadly. However, I get the impression Clinton’s still doing fairly well for himself, since he’s still contributing to other people’s songs to this day. Regardless, this song continues to endure the test of time as the classic funk jam that it is. Gotta have that funk!

#7.

When an artist reinvents themself, it can generally go one of two ways: either the artist gains newfound popularity through a creative stylistic shift and reaches the height of their success, or the start of what would be a rise in their success in some cases, or the artist gets dismissed as a total sellout and alienates themself from both their fan base and potential new listeners alike. So, from my understanding artists usually only go this route for one of two reasons, either out of a curiosity to experiment with new styles and see what comes of it, or their managers need them to make a new, more successful piece that has little regard to artistic integrity. At the same time, however, maintaining a consistent image isn’t exactly a smart move either because if the artist doesn’t grow or evolve, then their audience will eventually leave them behind and find something else to listen to. So, what if an artist’s entire appeal is built around them changing and altering their image? Well then you get probably some of the more interesting artists that we’ve seen in music, such as Madonna, Lady Gaga and, of course, David Bowie.

#7. Golden Years (David Bowie) [33; 10; 16 weeks]

I was first introduced to David Bowie when I was just a wee lad, around my early elementary school years and I was shown the film ‘Labyrinth.’ Oh, the Jim Henson muppet work was definitely what caught most of my attention, but I’d be lying if I were to say I didn’t end up hearing Bowie’s songs from that film playing in my head years down the line. I don’t know if anyone realizes this, but it took David Bowie about a decade, since the start of his solo career in 1964, to actually see any chart success. And even after that he didn’t score any hits in the top 40 until three years later. His ‘Young Americans’ album was when he finally managed to capture the attention of people in, well, America, but it was ‘Fame,’ his first number one single, that established him as a star. He did manage to score another hit when he rereleased ‘Space Oddity’ that year, but it was ‘Golden Years’ that served as the true follow up that proved that, yes, Bowie was not just some flash-in-the-pan that was going to disappear anytime soon. How does it fair?

Well, let’s look at the lyrics. Now, from my understanding, the ‘golden years’ are actually the point in one’s life where one has reached the point of retirement, usually referring to those at least 65 years and older. I didn’t quite understand what the song was about at first, but then I found out that he originally wrote the song for Elvis Presley, who wound up turning it down. That gives the song a bit more clarity, for me anyway, since this was around the last few years of Elvis Presley’s life, so at this point these were his ‘golden years’ I guess you could say. The rest of the song talks about how, despite life hitting some low points, it doesn’t do any good to act like life’s going nowhere; don’t look back at how you could’ve lived your life, but make the most out of what life you have left. And this holds especially true for the golden years of one’s life, since at that point you’ve lived out your entire life up to that point. If the song’s directed at Elvis, this makes sense since it would basically be telling him, “Don’t dwell on the ‘what-ifs’ or the ‘if-onlys’ of the past; you’ve got a very impressive legacy behind you. Take pride in that and live the rest of your life to the fullest!” Of course, Elvis ended up dying two years after this song was released, so there you have it.

However, considering Elvis never accepted the song, and again, the fact that he wound up dying two years later, that context doesn’t really work. So, without that, what does the song have left? Well, for starters, a smooth guitar line. That is the driving force behind the entire song, and it does so beautifully. The percussion in this song is rather eclectic at points, but that works to the song’s favor also; it helps make it distinct. In fact, the song progression is just great in general. It constantly builds on itself as it goes through each verse and interchanges between its two choruses. Yes, this song has two choruses. It flips between them with each verse, and both of them serve to bring the song to different high points.

Of course, there’s still one element that I think is responsible for bringing all of these other elements together: the fact that he’s David fucking Bowie! The man is a talented musician and singer, and he definitely shows his chops here. I seriously think people are over thinking this song. It’s not meant to be directed at anyone in particular; it’s not trying to present a message to anyone. It exists for David Bowie to show off how awesome he is. Also, while Bowie originally wrote this song for Elvis, I feel like it probably wouldn’t have really worked in his hands, not at this stage in his career anyway. Seriously, given the choice between this version of the song and Elvis’s deterioration in health and musical quality, I’ll take Bowie any day of the week.

David Bowie: more awesome than you. Deal with it.

#6.

Okay, last one for this list, I swear.

#6. Play That Funky Music (Wild Cherry) [5; 1; 17 weeks]

This is kind of an oddball choice for me to be including on this list. The reason I say that is mostly because I feel like, considering its background, I feel like I should hate this song. I mean, it’s a song that front man Rob Parissi wrote in five minutes on a drink order pad that’s basically a song all about the band’s story and told in a way that it glorifies selling out. Even if I can’t bring myself to hate on the song, it’s certainly not a song I can fully respect because of what it represents. In fact, I kind of feel dirty for including this song on the list at all. This shouldn’t deserve to be considered one of the best hit songs of the year.

However, at the same time, I need to remember that this is meant to be an honest list. And in all honesty, despite the fact that I can’t respect the song, I can’t really find it in me to hate on it either. As much as I hate what the song represents, I can’t deny the quality of the separate parts. The bass line, Parissi’s vocals, the horn section, I love all of these elements. They just tie together neatly and give the song a fun, groovy feel that is a perfect blend of rock music and funk music. I will admit, Wild Cherry weren’t unique or groundbreaking in their decision to blend funk and rock music, but they were probably the ones that created the best song at this particular point in time that did so. This didn’t just combine the two genres; it was a unique creation that belonged completely to Wild Cherry and no one else.

Also, for as harsh as I just was about the theme that the song represented, it does still have some positive themes behind it that I can totally get behind. Yeah, it’s just studio hacks cashing in on a trend. Yeah, it’s a statement by the band about how great it is to sell out. However, at the same time, it also represents uniting two different musical forms. In fact, it’s also a representation of, not just uniting musical forms, but uniting people of different skin color, a showcase that even white people can enjoy and perhaps even come to understand black music. Even if you didn’t originally like a certain genre of music, that didn’t mean that you couldn’t still come to understand or possibly even like it.

Of course, we still have to thank Vanilla Ice for completely tarnishing this song with his abysmal version fifteen years later. However, I’ve already gone on about that particular catastrophe, so let’s just move along, shall we?

#5.

1976 marked a very significant period for English composer and singer Elton John, who saw his peak in commercial success and critical acclaim between 1970 and 1976. Between ’72 and ’75, seven of his albums consecutively peaked the Billboard 200 albums charts, he was forced to fire long time friends and fellow musicians Nigel Olsson and Dean Murray, who had worked with him since his debut album, he collaborated with the likes of John Lennon of the Beatles and played a character in the Who’s rock opera ‘Tommy,’ and additionally, during an interview with Rolling Stone, John revealed that he was bisexual. That by itself represents a pretty hefty amount of stuff to happen to a guy within such a short period of time. How best to bring a period of such significance to a close?

#5. Don’t Go Breaking My Heart (Elton John & Kiki Dee) [2; 1; 15 weeks]

…No complaints here.

Being perfectly honest, I like Elton John as a performer. Let me make it clear, personality wise he comes across as kind of a dork, but he’s a charming dork. Yeah, a lot of the time he wrote plenty of slow tempo ballads, which to be fair are not all bad, but he’s also written plenty of fun, upbeat songs like ‘Benny and the Jets,’ ‘Crocodile Rock’ and ‘Honky Cat’. When I think of Elton John as a performer, I don’t think of him as a singer-songwriter ballad performer; I see the guy in the music video for this song, the guy with the grandma glasses and the cheesy suit and yet who manages to make the look work. If you want an example of actual good ‘70s cheese, Elton John is a good place to start, provided you steer clear of his attempts at reggae.

But I’m not here to talk about where Elton John goes wrong. No, I’m here to talk about his big hit from 1976, ‘Don’t Go Breaking My Heart,’ a duet he performs with fellow English singer Kiki Dee, and a prime example of where Elton John goes right. I may have down talked the kitschier side of ‘70s music on my worst list, but this song is a case where the song’s cheesiness is actually one of its strengths. There’s just a sense of earnestness in how the two of them play off each other; they have good microphone chemistry. In contrast to Donnie and Marie Osmond’s wretched duet from this year, whose atrocious butchering of a ‘20s and ‘30s classic made me want to vomit whenever I heard it, this song has a certain charm to it that excuses the fact that the two performers come across as kind of dorky. There’s just something adorable about Elton John and Kiki Dee’s interplay that gives them that charm, and I don’t think that’s something that Donnie, or any of the Osmonds for that matter, could ever hope to achieve.

Okay, so maybe I’ve got a bigger stomach for ‘70s cheese than I thought. However, this wasn’t the only song of this type to end up on this list. Speaking of which…

#4.

As it happens, Elton John wasn’t the only one to experience an end to a peak of success in 1976. Although, at the very least Elton John was able to keep himself buoyant on the charts at points after this year, even if he never reached the same height in success that he achieved during the early to mid ‘70s. The same, however, can most definitely not be said of this next act, which would pretty much disappear by 1977. That said, I’d say it’s a good thing that they went out on a grace note like this one; it’s rare that a musical act gets to end on a positive note like this.

#4. December 1963 (Oh, What a Night) (The Four Seasons) [4; 1; 16 weeks]

The Four Seasons are honestly kind of a frustrating act for me, particularly front man Frankie Valli. I know they’re a staple of classic American rock music, but there have been people that were turned off by Valli’s falsetto voice, and sadly I’m one of those people. Whenever he tries to sing in his upper register, it’s like he’s pretending to mock his teacher telling him to sit down and do his homework or something. And I say this as someone that will admit that he probably has a greater tolerance for falsetto singing than most people, hell as someone who occasionally has to rely on falsetto to hit some notes that are outside my normal vocal range. And yet, I wince in pain whenever I hear the nails-on-a-chalkboard sound of Frankie Valli’s pipes. Fortunately, ‘December 1963’ resolves this problem in two very significant ways. Firstly, Frankie Valli restricts himself to his regular singing range. His voice admittedly does still kind of sound like a machine generated it on this song, but to be fair, better is better. Secondly, Valli is barely featured on this song at all. He does still feature between the verses, singing one of the bridges, but besides that the rest of the band does most of the vocals on the song, and it is a welcome change, not to knock Frankie Valli’s singing or anything.

Regardless, with just these two details of the song toned down, the rest of the group’s positive elements are able to shine more prominently. If there’s one thing the group is really good at it’s writing upbeat, catchy melodies, and this song probably has them writing what’s easily their catchiest of all. The simple piano riff helps carry the melody while the bass line and percussion help to offer support, and it all comes together really nicely. And of course, it’s all topped off with lead vocals from drummer Gerry Polci, and additional vocals from bassist Don Ciccone, whose falsetto voices, while not necessarily being as powerful as Valli’s, are definitely a lot more pleasant to listen to. Much like ‘Don’t Go Breaking My Heart’ though, I can’t help but feel like there’s something of a cheesy element to the song. However, also like ‘Don’t Go Breaking My Heart,’ it works in the song’s favor, giving it a feeling of cheer and merriment.

Of course, this still leaves the subject matter and lyrical content. I’ll just cut to the chase here: it’s a song about sex. Specifically, it’s a song describing a particularly specific experience the narrator had with a woman that he sees as a pinnacle of beauty and grace. He didn’t just get it on with her; he felt like the experience changed him, possibly indicating that this was the narrator’s first experience with sex. However, rather than have it be clumsy or awkward, the experience was mystifying, mesmerizing, an experience that brought him some form of what he seems to describe as enlightenment. Granted, once you get down to it, it’s basically just another sex song tiptoeing around actually straight up mentioning the word sex. However, it’s the energy of the song and the earnestness of the lyrics and tone that put it leagues above ‘Afternoon Delight;’ where that song was dull, boring and edgeless, ‘December 1963’ is joyous and uplifting, which in a way is the kind of experience one would want to get out of sexual intercourse, presumably.

Frankie Valli himself managed to score one last number one hit song with the title track to the musical Grease in 1978, and never achieved any further success after that save for a remix of ‘December 1963’ released in 1994. And since then he and the Four Seasons have yet to release any new material. However, again, I feel like if they had to go out on any kind of note, I’m glad that it was this one. It’s a very special song for me, as I remember what a night.

#3.

Now, I think that I’ve made it clear at this point that I’m not an expert on every genre of music out there, hell probably not even an expert on any genre of music. I don’t have a full grasp on things like rap music or country music or R&B. However, if there were one genre that I can comfortably say I have some level of familiarity with it would have to be rock music. I was raised on groups like Elvis, the Beatles, The Who and Simon and Garfunkel, and I even listened to a number of rock groups in middle and high school. So, suffice to say I’m no stranger to rock music. So, naturally, I guess it’s no surprise that I’d be drawn to the ‘70s since that was considered the golden age of rock and roll. And indeed, the top three songs on this list are all rock songs. I realize that kind of indicates something of a bias on my part. But I will say that these songs wouldn’t be on this list if I didn’t think they deserved the praise I’m about to heap on them shortly. So, time to wrap this list up with the top three, starting with…

#3. Fox on the Run (Sweet) [76; 5; 6 weeks]

To anyone that makes a FNAF reference for the ‘Foxy on the run’ line, you are not clever!

Sweet originated in the UK, and were originally a group that mixed bubblegum pop with hard rock, with their main influences stemming from groups such as the Monkees, the Archies and The Who. Around this time, however, they’d pretty much gotten fed up with their management and decided to try to go straight up hard rock, with this song being the first single the group wrote and produced by themselves, as opposed to studio executives. And, honestly, I’m glad that they were able to gain some level of control over their careers. There’s just something satisfying about an artist getting more creative and artistic control over their material, at least if said artist is actually good. And yeah folks, Sweet honestly were a good group.

As I said, most of Sweet’s music was influenced by ‘60s sugary bubblegum pop, with some doses of hard rock thrown in, and the mix really does work wonders for them. The hard rock gives their music driving force and edge while the pop influences help to make it catchy and upbeat. If you want a good example of this, try going back and listening to one of their biggest songs: ‘The Ballroom Blitz.’ That song is rowdy and bombastic and over the top, but there’s still some sense of control over the sound, and that all works to the song’s advantage.

I have to say though; I think ‘Fox On the Run’ may top even that. All the elements from ‘The Ballroom Blitz’ are present, but here they all seem to be turned up to eleven. It just feels like the band was given the opportunity to let loose more on this song, yet despite this it’s somehow even catchier! The addition of synthesizers helps with pushing the song even more over the top; it’ll probably be a breaking point for some people and launch it into serious cheese territory, but I quite liked it. And of course, they’ve added in the fantastic ‘wall of sound’ effect that most have come to associate with the likes of Queen, and they utilize it fantastically! This doesn’t just feel like a song being performed by one person backed by a band; it feels like everyone in the band has an equal share of contribution to the song.

Songs like this are the reason I really enjoy putting these lists together. Just hearing this song gets me feeling pumped up and ready for the day. It is glorious, and that’s all there really is to say on the matter.

#2.

You know, considering how much black music saw a lot of success this year, I feel like it’s a shame that there aren’t more black artists on this list. Let’s change that!

#2. The Boys Are Back In Town (Thin Lizzy) [87; 12; 8 weeks]

Thin Lizzy are yet another European act, though unlike Sweet they originated in Ireland. This also made lead singer and bassist Phil Lynott the first black Irishman to achieve commercial success in rock music. They didn’t really see much success prior to 1976, with only their cover of the Irish folk song ‘Whiskey in the Jar’ seeing any success, peaking at number one in Ireland and charting in the UK and various other countries in Europe. However, with the release of their sixth studio album ‘Jailbreak,’ they were not only able to achieve their second number one single in Ireland, but also a top 20 hit in America. And listening to it, it’s not hard to see why.

The guitars are the main driving force of this song, but they do a brilliant job at it. Thin Lizzy at this point in their tenure utilized two lead guitarists, much like Judas Priest, the ones here performed by guitarists Scott Gorham and Brian Robertson, and they really add to the song. I especially love the segment that always plays after the chorus; it just really helps hit home the sense of optimism that the song’s trying to shoot for. The song is much more uplifting and happy than most of Thin Lizzy’s other singles up to this point, which tended to lean more towards folk and blues music. It’s a welcome departure from their usual musical sound.

As for the lyrics and subject matter, the song speaks of, presumably, the return of close friends, a grand celebration to welcome them back home. As grand as that kind of merriment could come across coming from anyone, Lynott really sells the sentiment in his delivery. His soulful, passionate performance is able to match the bombast and exuberance the guitarists built up. And, of course, that brings us to the chorus itself. I don’t usually like it when a song’s chorus is built around a single line repeated over and over, but every outcry of ‘The boys are back in town!’ just builds on top of the ones before, really helping to push the song over the top. Besides, it’s not like the chorus needed much else to add to it. I mean, what more is there to say? The boys are back in town! That alone sounds like reason to get excited!

I just really enjoy listening to this song; just hearing it puts me in a good mood. And yet, despite this, there was one more song that came out this year that I liked more than this. What could it be? Well, let’s move on and find out.

#1.

If any of you know anything about the music of 1976, you’ve probably already guessed what this next song is. And if someone you’re reading this list with hasn’t guessed it yet, feel free to smack that person on the back of the head. I wasn’t kidding when I said that there was a lot of good music this year and that all the good music was amazingly good. I mean, the honorable mentions list should be indication enough of that. However, when it all came down to it, there was only one song that could possibly have made the number one spot for this list.

#1. Bohemian Rhapsody (Queen) [18; 9; 17 weeks]

I honestly really struggled with the decision to put this song on the list. I will admit, prior to putting this list together, I was kind of sick of this song. I’d heard it so often, so frequently that it was really wearing out on me. And yet, when I sat down to listen to the song for this list, after having gone without listening to it for quite some time, I was amazed to find that it still held up. However, that just raised the question of whether or not I should include it on the list. I didn’t want to include the song on the list just because I kind of liked it despite the over exposure or just because it’s a song people would be expecting to see on the list. So, I went back and listened through it a couple of times, and ultimately came to the decision to include it because it’s just legitimately a great song.

Sadly, I feel like I’m also significantly underprepared to analyze this song. I mean, hundreds of other people have done so before me, and have likely made every interpretation that could possibly be made about this song, I mean, what am I supposed to talk about? I guess I could discuss how the song draws on contemporary rock ideology, the individualism of the bohemian artists’ world and the ‘rhapsody’ in the title affirming the romantic ideals of art rock. Or I could talk about how the song is a mock opera, divided into various sections, starting with a closed five-part harmonized a capella intro before transitioning into a piano ballad, then a guitar solo by Brian May, then a fast paced, operatic segment that varies in dynamics and illustrates the narrator’s descent into Hell, then the hard rock ‘bridge’ of the song, I guess you could call it, before finally closing with a minute-long outro that brings the song full circle by returning to the tempo and form of the intro. Or I could discuss how the song lyrically describes a man questioning whether his life experiences were real or just fantasy, revealing that he’s just killed a man and in doing so having thrown his life away, showing serious regret for his actions before bidding the world good-bye and expressing that he does not want to die, before falling into Hell and making references to Scaramouche, the fandango, Galileo Galilei, Figaro and Bismillah as various factions fight over his soul before concluding that Beelzebub already has plans for what to do with him, then accusing an unspecified second-person audience of betrayal and abuse, seeming to call back to the events that may have led to his earlier described act of murder before ultimately concluding by exclaiming ‘Nothing really matters to me, any way the wind blows.’  

I could talk in further detail about all of these things, but unfortunately, I do not have the patience, or the level of analytical experience to be able to pull that off without retreading what others before me have already said. And even if I had either of those things, I shouldn’t have to; this song is already universally accepted as one of the greatest songs in music history, and it’s not hard to see why! Not only does it demonstrate how a song doesn’t necessarily need to stick to the conventional songwriting formula that we’ve seen done to death at this point, but it is a shining demonstration of the idea that just because something is popular doesn’t mean it automatically has to suck! This song is a goddamn masterpiece, and I am glad that being able to put this list together gave me the opportunity to examine it in greater detail and better appreciate the separate parts that come together to create a magnificent whole!

‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ by Queen: even if it’s not the greatest song of all time, it is most definitely, without question, the absolute best hit song of 1976.