Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2013

Hey folks. After going through the exhausting ordeal of covering all of the #1 hit songs of the 1980s, I figured I should make this next set of lists something easy, something that I can get legitimately passionate about. So I decided I would talk about something more recent, since I feel like it’s what I’m most familiar with. With that said, let’s talk about 2013.


As far as the year itself goes, 2013 is special to me personally for a few reasons. It was the year that I graduated from college, got my first job outside of college, and started my first truly happy romantic relationship. Sadly, none of these things would have much of a lasting impact and within the first few months of 2014 I was jobless and single again. However, for the briefest of moments, I was in a position where I last felt truly happy.


Unfortunately, the same could not be said of the pop charts. It may be difficult to remember now, considering the current state of popular music, but 2013 was considered one of the worst years for it at the time. Hip-hop devolved into minimalist beats and terrible production, the indie rock movement from 2012 dried up with nothing to replace it, country music devolved into stupidity and debauchery, electronic music started rising in the mainstream to mixed results, and even plain pop music seemed to be doing everything it could to drop any sense of fun, personality, or enjoyment. It reached the point that the most noteworthy thing to happen all year was Miley Cyrus twerking her butt against Robin Thicke’s groin.


Was it really that bad though? Well, having gone back through the full year’s worth of top 40 hits, I can safely say that yes; it was quite bad. However, I’d like to believe in the ability to look back on our past failings and find ways to laugh at them rather than let them drag us down. So let’s take a brief look backwards and take shots at the worst the year had to offer. As usual, we’ll be starting with our dishonorable mentions:





Let Her Go (Passenger) [97; 7; 13 weeks]


Passenger was basically the thoughtless man’s Ed Sheeran, and I rest my case on this song. Where Sheeran at least tried in his music, sometimes to his detriment, this guy demonstrates no semblance of inspiration or effort. It’s a white guy with acoustic guitar song, performed with the four chords of pop, and trying to pass off the illusion of having deep wisdom and understanding when the message of the song is “You’re toxic and should let the one you love go”. Screw that noise!





Work Bitch (Britney Spears) [--; 12; 5 weeks]


Speaking of artists who don’t try, welcome back Britney. Her career should’ve died off by the mid-2000s, but because her handlers are apparently so insistent on keeping this dead whale afloat, she managed a brief hit midway through the year with an obnoxious migraine of a song that lacks any sense of cohesion in the songwriting or lyrics. This barely missed the list because I at least felt like the song was trying to convey a positive message: that by working hard and pushing your way up that corporate ladder, you too can partake in the finer things in life. It’s just a shame it was delivered by a woman who had no fucks to give about anything anymore.





Little Things (One Direction) [--; 33; 4 weeks]


This definitely would’ve made the list if it had qualified. Not only is it transparent pandering to One Direction’s insecure teenage fan base, it doesn’t even do a good job at that. It highlights some of Ed Sheeran’s biggest flaws as a songwriter, since he apparently didn’t know when and when not to delve too deep into the details, at least when he was seventeen. To think that One Direction would go on to release a song like ‘Perfect’ just three years later, and that each member of the band would start their own solo careers one more year after that.





Give It 2 U (Robin Thicke ft. Kendrick Lamar & 2 Chainz) [--; 25; 7 weeks]


I bet most of you didn’t remember Robin Thicke had another hit in 2013 besides ‘Blurred Lines’, and for good reason. It’s a tonal mish-mash of pop and hip-hop elements that tries to present itself as sexy but instead comes across as witless, sleazy, and embarrassing. It’s depressing that Kendrick Lamar features on this song, especially considering he released ‘Bitch, Don’t Kill My Vibe’ earlier this same year, a song where he tries to emphasize the desire for music with substance and meaning to become the new standard. Kendrick, you should’ve known better than this!





Harlem Shake (Baauer) [4; 1; 13 weeks]


Wouldn’t be a worst list if I didn’t mention this song at least once, would it? ‘Harlem Shake’ only got big because of a combination of Billboard changing their ranking system to factor in people watching the videos for songs on YouTube and the song becoming part of a stupid meme. Otherwise, there’s no way this piece of garbage would’ve peaked at #1, or made it into the top five on the year-end hot 100. The sad part is that I feel like this might’ve been the song that opened the floodgates for all the shitty vine dance songs that charted two years later. Internet, look at what you’ve wrought!





Now then, let’s delve into why people should beware, beware, beware this year. We’re counting down…





...THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF 2013!





#10.





I don’t think I’ve made it much of a secret that I’m not a fan of Katy Perry. Her work, especially early in her career, felt like a narcissistic love letter to herself and she relied heavily on autotune to make her unstomachable voice sound, at best, passable. That said, I couldn’t find it in me to fully hate any of her work at the time; it was harmless enough and wasn’t being offensive, save for maybe a song or two. Then she released her fourth album, ‘Prism’, and with it, this:


#10. Dark Horse (Katy Perry ft. Juicy J) [--; 14; 8 weeks]


Something I noticed about ‘Prism’ was that its singles seemed like bad remakes of those off of the album before it. Where ‘Roar’ was that album’s ‘Firework’, and ‘Unconditionally’ was its ‘Teenage Dream’, ‘Dark Horse’ seems to be its ‘E.T.’, and therein lies the primary problem: ‘E.T.’ was also a terrible song. I’ll at least say this much in its defense though: at least ‘E.T.’ felt like a complete song, where ‘Dark Horse’ sounds like an unfinished demo.


Let’s start with the production. It goes for a minimalist, trap, hip-hop style, which was the wrong move as far as I’m concerned. This song had three producers behind it, including famous hit-makers Dr. Luke and Max Martin, and yet not only is it not catchy, it’s not even coherent. The melodies for the verses and the chorus are completely disconnected. The hook tries to provide swell and build-up, but the “payoff” is just an obnoxious pitch-shifted voice that just sounds ridiculous and ugly.


That brings us to our two performers, Katy Perry and Juicy J. Katy’s voice is just not the right fit for this song’s hip-hop and trap instrumentation; she’s too plastic for something like this. The lyrics don’t help matters, with Katy Perry calling herself a “dark horse”, which she was and is most certainly not considering she was one of the biggest pop stars on Earth at the time. Even ignoring that, the song presents countless disconnected metaphors that don’t tie into being a dark horse, or anything else described in the song. As for Juicy J, aside from the Jeffrey Dahmer line, none of his lyrics do anything of interest, nor do any of them connect back to any previous metaphors or lyrics.


I don’t believe this song exists for any other reason than minimalism and trap production were selling at the time, but apparently it worked. This song peaked at the top of the charts by February 2014. I guess, in a sense, ‘Dark Horse’ was the first sign of where Katy Perry’s career was going, since by her following album, she would try to distance herself from the music she used to make and has since become the lame former star of pop music we know her as now. I hope you’re proud of yourself, Katy.





#9.





On the topic of pop stars trying way too hard, let’s talk about Taylor Swift. Whether you’re a fan or a hater, I think we can all agree that most of her songs could only have been written by her. Even after switching from country to pop, her songs have a unique quality that only she can bring to them. So it becomes especially frustrating when she releases a song that does everything it can to sand off any trace of her personality.


#9. I Knew You Were Trouble (Taylor Swift) [16; 2; 22 weeks]


People have had divisive reactions to Taylor’s shift to pop music, but the first warning sign regarding her change in direction was this. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that each of her albums since ‘Red’ have released lead singles that have seemed increasingly more desperate with each one. It seems to reflect how her more recent output has been gradually less focused on telling personal narratives and more about making what will sell, and I rest my case on ‘I Knew You Were Trouble’.


First, there’s the production. Up until this point, Taylor Swift’s instrumentation wasn’t too overindulgent or overdone. Even ‘We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together’ didn’t go too far over the top where it didn’t need to. However, the decision to include dubstep on the song just makes the whole thing feel jarring to listen to. It just feels overwrought and unnecessary.


Of course, the main problem with the song is the lyrics. Taylor Swift’s greatest strength and most unique skill as a songwriter is her eye for details. This song takes all of that away in exchange for lyrics that anyone could have written. Even ignoring that, the message of this song is still not good. If you knew he was trouble, why did you hook up with him Taylor?


It’s just frustrating to see someone who I know can write decent songs that have a lot of emotion and expression to them choose to make bland, cookie-cutter drivel like this. If her following two albums didn’t find new ways for her to sink the quality of her music, this would easily be her worst song. Sadly, this isn’t the worst example of an artist who once had talent choosing to squander it on this list.





#8.





I mentioned earlier that minimalism was one of the big trends in hip-hop in 2013. Let’s take a moment to look at one of the artists who briefly saw success by jumping on the bandwagon.


#8. I’m Different (2 Chainz) [99; 27; 9 weeks]


This is 2 Chainz, formerly a member of Playaz Circle, having originally gone by the name “Tity Boi” before changing it due to the controversy. He’s one of the many rappers who were briefly popular between 2012 and 2014 before completely disappearing. Chances are you don’t remember him, and after hearing this song, you’ll briefly understand why before promptly forgetting he exists.


Of course, let’s take a moment to look at the producer, who went on to see more success the following year: DJ Mustard. He tends to make dark, sparse beats that are no fun to dance to yet somehow get lodged in your brain. His contributions to this song are mostly insignificant; just a eerie keyboard line paired with trap snares, and occasionally synthesized strings come in. It’s too creepy to be any fun and it’s too weak to elevate the song.


So, if the production’s terrible, that leaves 2 Chainz to carry the song himself. Sadly, his means of doing so consist of claiming he’s different and then proceeding to list off the usual bling ‘n’ bitches rap clichés. The only other lyrics that stand out are when he compares having sex with “beating” the girl’s pussy. First of all, nice job comparing sex to violence jerk. Second, I thought people stopped using that term back in the mid-2000s. Of the things you could’ve taken out of that decade, why that?


Having now listened through 2 Chainz’s discography, I can safely say this wasn’t his worst song. Granted, considering the quality of his work, that’s not exactly saying much. I’m honestly just glad he hasn’t seen further success since around 2014, because I’d be perfectly happy to never hear from him again.





#7.





Believe it or not, there was a rapper this year whose success had even less longevity than 2 Chainz’s.


#7. Gas Pedal (Sage the Gemini ft. Iamsu!) [--; 29; 9 weeks]


Sage the Gemini is a rapper, singer, songwriter, and record producer from Fairfield, California, as well as a member of the HBK Gang, which he joined out of the benefit of being friends with rapper Iamsu!. At least that’s what it says about the guy on Wikipedia. However, based on what I’ve heard from him, his rapping is weak, his singing is off key, his songwriting is well below par, and his production is unpleasant to listen to. If you still have doubts, let’s dive into his biggest hit single, ‘Gas Pedal’.


Much like the previous song, this one relies on minimalist instrumentation, and that’s not good since it’s supposed to be a party song. The chorus is all about how Sage wants a girl to move her body, yet I don’t understand how anyone would want to move to this nonexistent beat and unsettling music. Also, he says he wants her to “speed up”, yet this song’s tempo feels slow and mechanical. When Jason Derulo’s ‘Wiggle’ sounds more fun to shake to than your song, you’ve done something horrifically wrong!


With a chorus and production this lacking, the song has to rely on the two rappers to carry it. Unfortunately, both of them combined somehow have less charisma than 2 Chainz by himself. Sage the Gemini’s lyrics consist mainly of weaksauce puns, while Iamsu!’s only memorable lyric is to mispronounce the word “bakery” to rhyme with “Tyler Perry”, then correct himself afterwards. If you were going to correct yourself on the pronunciation, then what was the point of you saying it wrong in the first place?


The only other success either of these men have had is when Sage featured on a Flo Rida song back in 2015; that’s it. Considering this song was everyone’s only impression of the two, I’m not surprised. If there’s anyone that’s not fun to be around at a party, it’s that asshole who’s pretending to be too cool to care about anything. Funny that they named their biggest hit ‘Gas Pedal’, because after this song’s minor success their fifteen minutes of fame came to a screeching halt. Good riddance!





#6.





Remember when Drake was interesting? His work back in the early 2010s was mixed for the most part, but he had managed to present some good songs. Then, something happened this year, and he completely lost me.


#6. Started From the Bottom (Drake) [32; 6; 18 weeks]


This was the year after Drake released what was arguably one of his best songs, ‘Take Care’. That was a very emotionally riveting song that featured Drake at his most heartfelt and Rihanna at her most emotionally exhausted and burned. It was a beautiful song that I might get to discuss at length one day. Then, he released his third studio album, ‘Nothing Was the Same’, and chose this as its lead single, to which I need to ask, “What the hell was he thinking?”


First there’s the production, provided by Mike Zombie and 40. It’s trying to go for a tone of opulence and luxury, but it instead sounds like a mish-mash of percussive effects that try and fail to elevate the song into something fun and enjoyable. Take the effects away, and the only instrumentation is a weak piano line that repeats endlessly and doesn’t change at any point in the entire song.


So, once again, we have to rely on the rapper to carry the track. Unfortunately, Drake’s delivery is probably the most flat and monotone he’d ever presented in this point of his career. His bragging songs had been like this ever since 2011, and he’s no better here. Even ignoring his lifeless performance, the lyrics betray him. Does Drake seriously feel so insecure about his own fame that he needs to wear all of his chains in his own house, where there’s no one to impress or convince but himself?


I’m honestly getting annoyed by rappers bragging about having what they want when it’s more compelling to hear them rap about getting it. Sadly, this isn’t the worst example of hip-hop, brag rap, or Drake on this list. Even so, that doesn’t excuse it. Drake, you’re better than this!





#5.





Another big trend to gain prominence in 2013 was bro country. Basically, it consists of beer-drinking, truck-driving meatheads who tend to make songs about country girls, partying, and attempting to incorporate hip-hop elements and slang. We’ll be getting to a more concrete example of that later. Meanwhile, I’d like to introduce you all to a fine fellow named Tyler Farr.


#5. Redneck Crazy (Tyler Farr) [--; 29; 5 weeks]


By this year, country music was starting to adapt and add elements of other, more mainstream genres. Arguments could be made whether or not this was a good thing, but songs like this don’t offer any defense for the genre’s shift in tone and style. Tyler Farr might not have been the most successful bro country artist, but he is probably the least interesting.


I mentioned earlier that bro country tried to incorporate elements of hip-hop, but, believe it or not, the song this one seems to resemble most is a pop song. Remember Cher Lloyd’s big crossover hit ‘Want U Back’ back in 2012? That song was about how Ms. Lloyd dumped her boyfriend expecting him to be destroyed, only to find that he had happily moved on and found someone new, and decided to make his life miserable under the pretense of trying to win him back. Basically, she was playing the evil cartoon villain most pop stars tend to sing about in their post-breakup, self-empowerment anthems nowadays. Well, Tyler Farr’s ‘Redneck Crazy’ is just a country version of that, because that’s what everyone wanted from country music, right?


The gist of this song is that Tyler Farr found out that the one he loved has met someone new and is now so pissed off that he’s going to act like a petulant child and bother the crap out of her because he can. The only detail we’re given as to why we shouldn’t like the guy his love is with now is that he drives a little truck. We don’t even get any indication that Tyler Farr actually gave a shit about the person he’s singing to, or even what their relationship was. For all we know, he’s complaining to his pet dog for helping a neighbor get their newspaper.


Regardless, even if we’re to give the song the benefit of the doubt and assume it’s about a cheating ex-girlfriend, do any of the things Tyler Farr says he’s going to do sound justified in any way? These things, by the way, include driving like a madman through their neighborhood, parking his car on their front lawn, showing up at their house at 3 a.m., shining his car’s headlights into their bedroom window, and tossing empty beer cans at their shadows. Yeah, he sounds like a keeper alright!


I’ve heard Tyler Farr’s follow up album to this one was better, but that doesn’t automatically make up for this. It takes a juvenile concept and tries to adapt it to pander to a country audience, and somehow makes the narrator come across as even more pathetic than Cher Lloyd does when she did this! I can’t imagine how anyone could get behind this, country fan or otherwise! Despite this, however, this wasn’t the worst country hit to chart this year. Speaking of which...





#4.





Most people will probably point to Florida Georgia Line’s ‘Cruise’ as the song that started the bro country trend, or at least popularized it. Of course, for those of you who have kept up with my lists, you likely are already aware that someone had beaten them to the punch with a song back in 2011 called ‘Country Girl (Shake It For Me)’. Thanks for that, Luke Bryan.


#4. That’s My Kind of Night (Luke Bryan) [78; 15; 16 weeks]


Speaking as a critic who doesn’t specialize in reviewing country music, I feel ill-equipped to properly explain why I put this song on the list. I know it received mixed to negative reviews from many country music critics, and even Zac Brown of the Zac Brown Band named it the worst song he’d ever heard. In fact, plenty of internet critics have named it at least a bad song, if not the worst of the year. I don’t know if my opinion holds nearly as much water as anyone else who’s looked at this, but I do have a theory that I think deserves consideration, namely that ‘That’s My Kind of Night’ is a heinous piece of garbage.


First, there are the lyrics. To its credit, the song doesn’t tread solely on bro country clichés; it also includes those of hip-hop, and even some I wasn’t aware were things. Diamond-plated tailgates? Sex in the Flint River? A country/hip-hop mixtape including Conway Twitty and T-Pain? It tries to pander to both genres, but what country or hip-hop fan would want or have any of these things? This song had three songwriters behind it, even if Luke Bryan wasn’t one of them! Did none of them look this song over and consider that it might need a few dozen rewrites?


Of course, what most people tend to criticize is this song’s production and instrumentation. The guitars lack any semblance of presence and feel terribly inorganic for a country song. The drum machine serves no purpose besides a timekeeper. The backing vocals are in the same range as Luke Bryan’s baritone, so they’re redundant. The autotune makes my skin crawl. To top it all off, the production melts it all into a flavorless slurry that lacks any presence. Say what you want about ‘Country Girl (Shake It For Me)’; at least I could distinguish every horrendous element of that song!


This wasn’t the song that started the bro country trend, but it’s the one that represents the worst it had to offer. It’s also an example of how, even when he has professional hit makers writing and producing a song for him, Luke Bryan still finds ways to ruin it. He’d have the exact same people writing another song for him two years later with ‘Kick the Dust Up’, which was also a terrible song that’s somehow even worse. I don’t know who could enjoy something like this, but as for me, I’ll be sitting out of this dance, thank you.





#3.





2013 was the year that saw a lot of controversies arise in the music world. It was the year that gave us ‘Blurred Lines’ by Robin Thicke, ‘Do What U Want’ by Lady Gaga, ‘Same Love’ by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, and ‘Royals’ by Lorde, just to name a few. Of course, that doesn’t mean there weren’t any that slipped under the radar, like this:


#3. Love Me (Lil Wayne ft. Drake & Future) [39; 9; 20 weeks]


I don’t think I’m shocking anyone by saying I hate this song. There have been college essays written about how much it sucks. If I were to go into all the issues I have with it, I’d basically be doing a list of the top ten worst moments of this song. So, rather than try to cover all the points at once, I’ll try to trim it down to the basics.


To begin with, the production is atrocious. It’s handled by terrible producer Mike Will Made-It, who seems to specialize in these dark, creepy tunes that just make me wretch. Then there’s the chorus, provided by both Drake and Future. Future’s half of the hook is weak and requires so much autotune to cover up his offkey “singing” that it baffles me why he became a go-to chorus guy this year. Drake, meanwhile, sounds like he’d rather be anywhere other than on this song. To make matters worse, whatever momentum the song builds up during the verses comes to a dead stop whenever it gets back to Future and Drake because both of them lack any kind of force or enthusiasm.


Speaking of the verses, let’s touch on those next. Lil Wayne raps all the verses, and it reveals some disturbing things about his view on women. His style of songwriting involves not writing his lyrics down because it “sounds more real to him” and “reflects how he feels his mind works”. If this is honestly the case, I’d have to conclude that he’s a disgusting human being who views women as whores. Between saying that hoes love him “like Satan” and that they have “pussies like craters”, this song makes me want to sock the man across the jaw. Then there are the moments where he says he doesn’t care about the haters, which feel so pathetic and transparently defensive he makes Taylor Swift on ‘Shake It Off’ sound positively thick skinned by comparison. How pathetic do you have to be that you need to abuse your bitches to distract yourself from what the haters say about you?


I’d talk about my concerns regarding how Lil Wayne might still have female fans that would still want to have sex with him despite this or male fans that would try to copy this mindset or behavior. However, considering what a terrible year he had in 2013, most likely because of this song, I’d say there’s little chance of anyone wanting to condone this behavior. So remember folks, if you like Lil Wayne, he thinks you’re a bitch, but if you hate him he totally doesn’t care about what you think, and he’ll be sure to go out of his way to make sure you know that.





#2.





Some of you might be thinking, “Wait a minute, we’re down to the top two songs and you haven’t mentioned a single EDM song on this list! What’s up with that man? You had plenty of mediocre electronica or techno songs to choose from for this list!” That’s the thing: most of the EDM songs from this year were just that: mediocre. They were bland and inoffensive enough that they didn’t warrant enough passion to get angry at. Of course, when I finally did choose one for this list, it was from an artist I loathe with every fiber of my being.


#2. #thatPOWER (will.i.am ft. Justin Bieber) [95; 17; 7 weeks]

I considered giving this slot to ‘Scream & Shout’, but ultimately decided I would save it for when I get to 2012. I made this decision for two reasons. One, I feel like this song is potentially worse between the two, and two, it’s the one that better encapsulates everything I hate about will.i.am as a producer, musician, and “artist”.


Let’s start with the little things. To begin with, there’s the hashtag in the title. The absence of anything Twitter or hashtag related in the song besides that can only lead me to conclude that it was a cheap, last-minute marketing strategy. This highlights my first big issue with will.i.am: he’s a marketer first and an “artist” dead last.


Next, there’s Justin Bieber’s chorus, which is the closest the song gets to having a “positive” element in it. Unfortunately, he wasn’t given much to work with in the chorus, with the lyrics basically being nonsensical and not providing enough context for him to understand what they’re supposed to mean. The only lines that make any sense are the last two: “And I’m loving every second, minute, hour/Bigger, better, stronger, power”, and those were clearly just reinterpreted from Daft Punk’s ‘Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger’. This brings me to my next two issues with will.i.am: that he can’t carry a song by himself and that he steals his ideas from other people.


Now, let’s move along to will.i.am himself, starting with his lyrics. This might be difficult because, while most artists tend to use lyrics as a means of expressing specific sentiments or ideas, will.i.am seems perfectly content with just checking off the usual rap clichés: bragging about money, the haters, repeating meaningless words to fill up space, non-rhymes, double rhymes, and recycling the last four bars of the first verse for the second verse. This brings me to my fourth issue with the guy: he doesn’t try or care to create decent lyrics. This isn’t even just a problem with his own songs either; the lyrics for most Black Eyed Peas songs tended to be underwritten and meaningless also, when they weren’t actively annoying the listener.


Of course, where will.i.am puts all of his main effort in his music is in his production and instrumentation, so let’s look at that next. For the chorus, the song is primarily driven by synthesizers, while the verses are just a buzzing synth, an 808 drum, and a four-note bassline. It almost feels like he had two different song ideas in mind but didn’t feel like having to choose between them, so he just slapped them together and called it a day. Apparently some critics compared this song to Kanye West’s ‘Power’, but I honestly don’t hear it. ‘Power’ had a sense of command and presence to it, and Kanye was able to put a lot of personality into every part of it. Will.i.am just seemed to take the production used for some of his previous songs, specifically ‘Scream & Shout’ and ‘The Time (Dirty Bit)’, and just reuse it. That brings me to the next major issue with will.i.am I have: he’s a lazy songwriter and producer.


Having now listened through the entirety of ‘#willpower’, I can safely say this wasn’t the worst song off of that album. I’m probably not going to get around to covering will.i.am’s full discography because I’m not a masochist, so I’ll at least state that he expresses some of the most repulsive sentiments and has some of the worst lyrics I’ve ever seen in popular music. Between his songs that steal ideas and lyrics from other, better songs, and the repulsive behavior he encourages in his music, I’d have to conclude that he only cares about making products that will sell and nothing else. Of course, there was still one song that charted this year that was worse.





#1.





I realize this was an obvious choice for the #1 spot for this list, but I wouldn’t have put it here if I didn’t think it belonged here.


#1. U.O.E.N.O. (Rocko ft. Future & Rick Ross) [87; 20; 10 weeks]


This song honestly surprised me when I first heard about it. I don’t just mean regarding the song itself, which is a turgid piece of shit, but mainly because of the controversy surrounding it. I’ll touch on that later, but first I need to establish why the song itself doesn’t work even on a basic level.


To begin with, there’s the production, which is this stiff, featureless slurry of effects with barely any kind of beat or anything. Give the percussion on the previous songs some credit; at least it offered some form of energy on most of the previous songs! The drum work on this song is barely present and doesn’t elevate the song at any point.


That brings us to the lyrics. To begin with, there’s the title, which doesn’t stand for anything and is just the sound you get when you slur or autotune the phrase “You don’t even know”, like Future does on the chorus. More specifically, he uses the phrase to describe how the performers have hoes, money, brand names, and we, the listeners, couldn’t possibly fathom that. I don’t like it when rappers tell me what I already know, but that doesn’t mean I want the opposite! Besides, not only is that wrong based on the fact that you fucking told us what you claim we “don’t even know”, but it’s incredibly condescending! Also, you’re claiming to be better than me because you’re basically acting like a walking advertisement? Say what you want about will.i.am’s marketing; it was subtle in comparison to this!


Now then, I’ve put this off long enough, let’s get to the part that put this song on the list: Rick Ross’s verse. Specifically, there’s one line in his verse that sparked the controversy and for those that aren’t aware of it, I’ll just post it below:





Put Molly all in her champagne


She don’t even know it


I took her home and I enjoyed that


She don’t even know it





Rick Ross, you do know what date rape is, right? There’s no other way to interpret those lyrics, and you’re using this as a way to say you’re better than me? He apologized for this and said that he didn’t mean for it to come across that way, but when you say something this thoughtless and this obvious of a mistake, it just screams that you don’t consider the message behind your music! In other words, you’re no better than will.i.am in that regard!





Of the three artists on this song, Future seems to be the only one whose career survived unscathed after this. Rick Ross, meanwhile, got dropped by Reebok and hasn’t had another major hit since this song. As for Rocko, he hasn’t had any hits since this song, and despite dropping Rick Ross’s verse for the song to get radio play, and bringing in other guest artists to replace him, the song sank like a lead weight. Well gentlemen, I certainly don’t know or care what happens to you from here on out, but I know the highest “honor” this song deserves: the worst hit song of 2013!






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Top 20 Best #1 Hit Songs of the 1980s

Hello folks. I deeply apologize for how ridiculously late I’m submitting this list. I had a lot of things going on, but it can mostly be boiled down to three things: I have a second job now, I have a new laptop, and probably the biggest one, this list just wasn’t as fun to make as the others. Chances are I won’t be doing another one of these anytime soon. It was intended as something more ambitious, but it was just draining to work on. I’ll be returning to my regular top 10 lists for the next one.


Anyway, since I’ve now gone into the worst songs to peak atop Billboard during the 1980s, I think it’s only fair to cover the other end of the spectrum: the best of the #1 hits of the decade. As much trouble as I had with putting together the worst list, this one was slightly harder because, where with the worst list I needed to stretch a bit to pick out twenty songs, here I needed to make some painful cuts. Don’t think for a second though that this means I won’t be embarrassing myself.


While I’m sticking to my usual criteria for this list, I want to make sure people understand that this list is still partially based on my own opinion and isn’t meant to reflect badly on anyone. If you don’t like the songs on this list, that doesn’t mean you have poor taste. Everyone has differing opinions, and that’s what makes us human beings. With that said, let’s dive into the list now, starting with our honorable mentions:





Shout (Tears for Fears) [3 weeks; August 3-17, 1985]


Here’s a bit of trivia about this song some of you probably didn’t realize: this is a political protest song. It was released in 1984, a time when people were still nervous about the aftermath of the Cold War. I guess what wins me here is the simplicity of it and how it’s able to convey so much tangled emotion in just a few simple words and phrases. This won’t be the only example of such to appear on this list.





Money for Nothing (Dire Straits) [3 weeks; September 21-October 5, 1985]


I realize most people who are fans of Dire Straits are probably sick to death of this by now, but credit where it’s due. Yes, the “ground-breaking” music video looks terribly dated nowadays, but the song itself has plenty of positive elements going for it. It featured guest vocals from Sting and a rocking guitar line courtesy of Dire Straits front man Mark Knopfler. Its lyrics also describe a working-class man’s perspective of the lives of rock stars on MTV. I’m not sure if Dire Straits could get away with writing a song like this nowadays.





Livin’ on a Prayer (Bon Jovi) [4 weeks; February 14-March 7, 1987]


Yes, I admit that hair metal was a ridiculous trend. That said, considering the ‘80s were still letting any metal appear on the pop charts, I’ll take what I can get. This is Bon Jovi’s signature song, and it’s not hard to see why. As cheesy as hair metal tends to be, it’s rare that you find a song this unabashedly sincere despite its ridiculousness. I can’t fault the song for that.





Heaven Is a Place on Earth (Belinda Carlisle) [1 week; December 5, 1987]


Not much to say about this song. I just love a good power ballad I guess.





Tell Her About It (Billy Joel) [1 week; September 24, 1983]


I’m honestly of the opinion that Billy Joel’s #1 songs aren’t his best. That said I have a weakness for ‘Tell Her About It’. Unlike ‘Blame It On the Rain’, it gives good advice regarding confessing one’s feelings to that special someone. It’s kind of a cute song, and I mean that in an endearing way.





With that, let me wake you up before I go-go, as we count down…





…THE TOP 20 BEST #1 HIT SONGS OF THE 1980S!





#20.





If I consider 1988 the worst year for ‘80s pop music, 1983 would probably be its best. Between the phenomenal success of Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’ album and the appearance of the first heavy metal album to reach #1 in America with Quiet Riot’s ‘Metal Health’, 1983 was a magnificent time to be listening to pop music. Of course, even silly dance pop had its shining moments this year.


#20. Maniac (Michael Sembello) [2 weeks; September 10-17, 1983]


Will to Power, take some notes: this is the kind of dance song you should be using synthesizers on! While the film ‘Flashdance’ has largely fallen from public memory, the two hit themes that were included in the film persist to this day. One of them is this song, Michael Sembello’s ‘Maniac’. It’s worth noting that this song was included on a tape sent to Paramount Pictures on accident by Sembello’s wife and was originally a horror theme. The studio executives apparently took a liking to it and asked for it to be remade into a dance song, and the result was this.


Let’s start by discussing the lyrics. The song describes a woman who is dancing madly. Her dancing doesn’t seem to fulfill a primal need or relieve any tension; it just feels like something she’s unable to control! It almost sounds like she’s possessed! Originally the chorus was “He’s a maniac, maniac that’s for sure/And he’ll kill your cat and nail it to your door” before it was changed to “She’s a maniac, maniac on the floor/And she’s dancing like she’s never danced before”. Some of the horror elements of the original seem to still bleed into this version though, such as the mention of cutting you like a knife.


Of course, lyrics are one thing, but for a dance song what matters is the instrumentation. Here, the beat is super fast, pounding out at a rapid pace that almost seems too quick to dance to! Then there are the synthesizers, which all meld together to form a grand, swelling sound that keeps the song in constant motion. The bridge includes what sounds like a terror-inducing reimagining of ‘Chopsticks’, which is immediately followed by Sembello tearing out a brief guitar solo that helps build up the momentum of the final chorus!


I probably could’ve stood to place this song higher on the list, but ultimately I felt like it was still a little too confused about what it was trying to accomplish. Considering it was a horror theme that was changed into a dance movie theme, the song’s goal seems to have been misplaced as a result. That said, I still enjoy it, even if I don’t really dance all that much myself. You don’t need to be a maniac to jam to this one.





#19.





This might be sacrilege to admit, but Kenny Loggins doesn’t exactly have the best track record in terms of his music. Most of the songs he released in his career are pretty forgettable. One thing’s for sure though: he can write a hell of a movie theme. Maybe he should just stick to doing that.


#19. Footloose (Kenny Loggins) [3 weeks; March 31-April 14, 1984]


Nowadays it’s hard to remember what it was like for a film to have a true theme song tied into it. They thrived in the ‘80s though, to the point that the longevity of some outlasted the movies they were connected to. This particular song is a classic song from an equally classic film: ‘Footloose’.


Instrumentally, it’s very energetic and primarily guitar-driven. Of course, considering it’s a dance song, those things work in its favor. On top of that, it’s incredibly catchy; basically guaranteeing it would be a hit, and probably helping it peak atop the hot 100. Then there’s Kenny Loggins himself, whose authoritative tone demands that the listener get on the floor and dance, while also being just loose enough to make it sound like fun.


Lyrically, the song’s fairly straightforward. It’s a song from the perspective of a guy who works hard and “cuts loose” after having worked eight hours and felt like his life was being held down by his job. It’s not a song about giving up on one’s work; just about having fun when you get the chance and living while you can. However, it’s the simplicity of the message that works to its advantage. If it were trying to set up a more complicated scenario or give more specific advice, then it’d run the risk of becoming something like ‘Blame It On the Rain’, which tried too hard and whose message didn’t match up with the tone of the song.


This might’ve placed higher on the list except that I felt like it’s a touch on the generic side. That’s not to say I think the song is worse because of it, but I just personally felt like a bit more could’ve been done to make it stand out. Besides that though, I have no other complaints about this song. It certainly leaves me wanting to kick off my Sunday shoes and lose my blues.





#18.





I think I’ve made it clear which style of music I kind of prefer from this particular artist. That doesn’t necessarily mean I think all of her songs of this type are good, just that I have a personal preference that doesn’t necessarily reflect what many would consider her greatest strength. I might need to go back and reevaluate my opinion on this artist someday, but for now I’ll settle with enjoying the songs of hers I know I enjoy for the time being. In other words, Whitney Houston’s on this list.


#18. I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me) (Whitney Houston) [2 weeks; June 27-July 4, 1987]


Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my favorite Whitney Houston song. People often point to her cover of ‘I Will Always Love You’ as her most iconic single, but as far as I’m concerned, this was where she was at her best. I realize this list will likely get stale fast if all I’m listing are upbeat dance songs, but there will be other genres to come folks.


In the meantime, let’s look at ‘I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me)’, the lead and biggest single off of her second album. I suppose I enjoy it because it demonstrates that Whitney can have energy and pizzazz while still utilizing a powerful voice. Most of her ballads don’t generally win me over because they primarily rely on raw power and little else.


That leaves us with the lyrics. The song is told from the perspective of someone who wants to find that special someone, possibly on the dance floor. The narrator is a lonely heart that wants a love of passion and longevity, not something fleeting or shallow. In contrast, the first verse speaks of times of day, a descriptor that seems to reflect the intensity of love, with the sun being something to keep her satisfied with her loneliness while the cover of night leaves her feeling cold and longing.


This might’ve placed higher on the list, except that, as other critics have pointed out, it sounds like a rehashed version of ‘How Will I Know’. I personally disagree due to the differences in subject matters and overall energy, but I still see the similarities. It’s not a bad song by any stretch; the two just sound similar and I wish the songwriters had utilized a bit more creativity than that. Besides that though, I have no complaints. Keep on dancing, Whitney; all eyes are on you!





#17.





This next entry will likely lose me whatever respect as a critic I might’ve earned from people. I’ve been dreading the day I’ll be getting to the year this song came out, not because the year was bad though. No, it’s entirely because I know I’ll have to talk about why I like this. Let’s just get this over with…


#17. We Built This City (Starship) [2 weeks; November 16-23, 1985]


Let me start by saying that I get why people don’t like this song. It’s transparently commercial while pretending to speak out against commercialism. It has lyrics in it that make no sense whatsoever. It’s clearly not a rock song but pretends to speak on behalf of rock and roll. These elements alone would be enough for anyone to justify putting it on the worst list, and yet I enjoy listening to it. I can’t say I can offer any kind of groundbreaking defense for this song, but I can at least make my own observations about the things I enjoy about it.


First of all, I think people are putting way too much thought into this song. It’s not trying to be anything life changing or impactful. It’s just stupid, goofy and upbeat and that’s all it wants to be. There are plenty of lines to indicate this, like “We just want to dance here”, or “Don’t tell us you need us/’Cause we’re just simple fools”. As for the line everyone picks on the song for, “Marconi plays the mamba”, I’m not sure I have a justification for it, but I enjoy the alliteration used there. It’s certainly not the worst, or even the stupidest line I’ve seen in a song, even from the ‘80s.


Then there’s the instrumentation. While I did point out that it’s clearly more of a pop song than a rock song, I don’t feel like that alone is enough to call it the worst song ever. Maybe I’m just buying into the energetic synthesizers and the guitar stabs, but I honestly found myself rocking out more to this than some of the actual ‘80s rock songs. Besides, it was the ‘80s; almost everything had synthesizers in it. If you’re going to say this was one of the worst uses of them during this decade, you obviously haven’t read my previous list.


I’m not going to say this is a great song; in fact, I’ll willingly admit that it’s probably not that good and there are better ones out there. There were better songs that came out the same decade, and even the same year. At the same time though, there have certainly been much worse; 1985 also gave us ‘We Are the World’ after all. Between that and this, I’ll take the fun song thank you. It may not be built on rock and roll, but it’s certainly built on passion and enthusiasm, and that’s something I can’t fault it for.





#16.





Speaking of songs that came out in the same year…


#16. Take On Me (a-ha) [1 week; October 19; 1985]


This is kind of a tricky song for me to discuss. I don’t say that because I don’t like the song, but because I’m not sure if my reason for liking it stems from the nostalgia associated with it or from the merits of the song itself. I will at least go over what I know about the song and see what I can assess.


For starters, the melody is just magnificent. That synth riff before the first and final verses is iconic for good reason; it’s catchy, fun, and easy to groove to. The drums are bouncy and enjoyable, providing just the right tempo to make the song danceable. Kudos go to Alan Tarney for taking the original version of the song and remixing it into the version most are familiar with.


That leaves us with the band’s front man, Morten Harket. Vocally, he manages to balance gentleness and firmness in his voice. This is especially true with his falsetto on the chorus, particularly those high notes at the end. Lyrically there’s not much to this song, and this might’ve charted higher if not for the lackluster wordplay. Granted, A-ha are a Norwegian band, so English was likely not their first language, so that’s hardly a major issue.


More than anything though, I think I like this song because of its timelessness. Yes it was clearly made in the ‘80s, but unlike a lot of cheesy songs from this time, ‘Take On Me’ endures and remains a staple in the public consciousness of the pop music of the time. Bit of a shame the rest of A-ha’s discography didn’t take off as well as this one did. Still, now that they’ve recently reformed and started touring again, I don’t think we’ll need to worry about them being gone in a day or two.





#15.





I’ve already mentioned a number of songs that were included on the soundtracks to films. Here’s a song I bet you didn’t know was a movie theme.


#15. Call Me (Blondie) [6 weeks; April 19-May 24, 1980]


‘Call Me’ wasn’t originally from a Blondie album, but the soundtrack to the 1980 American romantic crime film ‘American Gigolo’. Of course, this being the ‘80s, the song wound up more engrained in the public consciousness than the movie it originated from. I can’t think of anyone who’s seen the film; I certainly haven’t, but this gives me a good reason to consider doing so.


The first thing that jumps out about ‘Call Me’ is the flow. Each segment connects to the next seamlessly. That can mainly be attributed to its use of the gallop riff. That might not seem like much of a compliment considering music is supposed to flow together well, but when you have some of the songs from the worst list in comparison, it makes this a breath of fresh air.


Furthermore, there’s the tone of Blondie lead singer Debbie Harry. She presents a love swept, romantic air that hides a sense of desperation. She invites the listener to call her anytime, any place, anywhere, any day, but with how many times and ways she tries to convince them to call, it sounds less like flirting and more like pleading.


I guess I’m just a sucker for love songs where the singer feels frantic about getting with the person they love. Something about it feels more honest than when the singer is the one in control of the situation. Sadly, Blondie didn’t have much control over their careers after this point, as they disbanded two years later and didn’t reform until the rest of the ‘80s and most of the ‘90s had passed by. Still, this is a blast of a song that I wouldn’t object to anytime, any place, anywhere, any day.





#14.





2016 saw quite a few musical artists passing away. A number of them were artists that saw their greatest successes during the ‘80s, including David Bowie, Prince, and our next artist: George Michael. Much like how my inclusion of ‘Under Pressure’ on a previous list was partially a show of remembrance for Bowie, this next entry is such for Michael, but which of his many #1 hits could I select?


#14. Careless Whisper (Wham! ft. George Michael) [3 weeks; February 16-March 2, 1985]


This song represents a major development in George Michael’s growth as an artist, since it was his first single to be released as part of his solo career, though he was still in Wham! at the time. It’s credited to Wham! featuring George Michael sometimes in Japan, Canada and the United States, and it’s even included on the duo’s second album, but it is starkly different from the material he released with Andrew Ridgeley. How so?


Well, let’s begin with the subject matter. The specifics of the song are more complicated than I’d like to go into detail with here, but the gist of it is it’s a song about cheating. However, the narrator isn’t just being immature and trying to make excuses to justify it. If anything, the act of cheating has been his undoing; he seriously hurt someone after they found out he was seeing someone else at the same time, and now as he puts it, he’s “never gonna dance again”. This isn’t just something that’s easily gotten over either; this decision is going to haunt him.


As far as the instrumentation goes, there’s one thing everyone remembers about this song: that saxophone riff, courtesy of English jazz saxophonist and composer Steve Gregory. To be fair, that line seems to overshadow the rest of the song; it’s the most iconic part. That’s not to say George Michael doesn’t hold his own; his singing contains a lot of pain and emptiness to it, matching the feeling of loss he’s trying to convey.


It’s interesting that this song was released right after ‘Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go’, which is the song everyone remembers from when George Michael was in Wham!. Keep in mind these two songs were mainstream America’s first impressions of the man; one being the most iconic tune of the duo he was with and the other being the first song he released solo. There are many differences between the material he released solo and as part of Wham!, but his work on his own established that he was able to write more mature, adult material that didn’t just pander to young teenage girls. Never stop dancing George, for we never will again the way we danced with you.





#13.





I’m not trying to make any kind of political or religious statement by including this song on one of my lists again. I just happen to seriously like this song.


#13. Papa Don’t Preach (Madonna) [2 weeks; August 16-23, 1986]


Where Madonna’s ‘Like a Virgin’ album made her one of the biggest pop stars in the world, ‘True Blue’ was the follow-up to that. When I see people discussing her career, I’m surprised that this album often gets skimmed over, considering it was her first to feature multiple number one hits on it and all its singles peaked in the top 5. It also marked the transition in her image, from being a thrift store shopper to a mainstream pop star.


‘Papa Don’t Preach’ was probably the first truly ambitious song Madonna released, in that it was about a more serious subject matter and tried to be a bit deeper than her prior material. Of course, I’ve already discussed this song on a previous list, so if you want my full opinion on the song I’ll include a link below. In summary, I think it’s an awesome song and probably one of the better ones in her discography, easily leagues ahead of the crap she makes nowadays. I stand by my statement that nothing she released after ‘Ray of Light’ was good enough to justify her later career output, but I also still believe her work in the ‘80s was her best.





http://flashback-music-madness.blogspot.com/2015/12/top-10-best-hit-songs-of-1986.html





#12.





My long-time readers should already be familiar with my love for ‘60s music, 1962 notwithstanding. It was such a significant period for music, and it’s a shame to see us drifting further away from that level of influence and innovation. However, in 1987, a little bit of that magic came back.


#12. (I’ve Had) The Time of My Life (Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes) [1 week; November 28, 1987]


While the Righteous Brothers were a ‘60s act I wasn’t exposed to growing up, I have come to appreciate their work now that I’ve listened to them. With songs like ‘You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’’ and ‘(You’re My) Soul and Inspiration’, they coined the term “blue-eyed soul”, and proved that not all white artists ruin black music. Of course, the breakout star of the pair ended up being Bill Medley, who sings on this song with Jennifer Warnes, and the result is a breathtaking performance that, while still dated, has aged remarkably well.


Let’s start by comparing their vocal performances. Bill Medley’s deeper, richer baritone does a great job complimenting Jennifer Warnes’s higher register. It’s worth noting that Franke Previte of Franke and the Knockouts wrote this song for the movie ‘Dirty Dancing’. When he did, he recorded a demo with singer Rachele Cappelli to showcase how the harmonies were supposed to be used. That demo wasn't ultimately used for the film, obviously. After hearing both versions, it’s clear why; Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes’s performances had better chemistry and achieved what the demo was attempting a billion times better.


That leaves the lyrics, which are pretty straightforward. It describes a couple in love. However, the choices of words make it seem like a groundbreaking realization, like the two have known each other for a while but didn’t realize they loved each other until just now. Furthermore, the line, “I’ve had the time of my life” suggests appreciation for the time it took for them to fall in love.


I’ve never seen ‘Dirty Dancing’, mostly because I haven’t heard it described as a particularly good movie, but I might check it out anyway at some point. If I did, it would mostly be because of ‘The Time of My Life’. It is a beautiful song, and even if the rest of the movie sucked, I’d be willing to endure it just to listen to it. Some of you probably disagree, in which case I offer this defense: at least it’s not that horrendous desecration the Black Eyed Peas released twenty-three years later, but that’s for another list. Moving on!





#11.





Believe it or not, I’ve come to enjoy country music to a certain degree. Most mainstream pop country nowadays is still garbage, but I can get into the older performers. As it happens, one such performer managed a #1 hit early in the decade, and yes, that hit made it on this list.


#11. 9 to 5 (Dolly Parton) [2 weeks, nonconsecutive; February 21 & March 14, 1981]


Dolly Parton might not be the best country musician out there, but she knows how to sell a song. Her music might not be the most meaningful, or even the most well thought out, but she makes it fun despite that. Even when singing about something as dour as a soul-crushing dead-end job she’s able to turn it into an enjoyable experience.


Speaking of which, let’s start by looking at the subject matter and lyrics. The song describes a person working a daytime job that they feel is going nowhere. It seems like the boss only cares about keeping them in an endless cycle of soul-crushing work without any chance of a promotion or any signs of moving forward. That’s something I think a lot of people can relate to; jobs suck sometimes and it can wear away at one’s mental health just thinking about it.


Of course, that leaves the instrumentation and production, which is a serious contrast from the lyrics. Where they’re all doom and gloom, the melodies and vocals are all bouncy and upbeat. I’ve covered contrasts between music and lyrics before, but this is an example where it works together. Where one half covers the country aspect with its mild touches of social commentary, the pop elements present it in a fun, energetic manner that makes it go down more easily.


Sadly, this was Dolly Parton’s only #1 solo hit song, and her last to chart in the top 40. She’d have other songs chart on Billboard after this, but no solo singles charting higher than 41. Even so, she still saw success on the country charts, and even had a few duets peak in the top 40. Regardless, this made it to #1 because it’s one of her best. Dolly Parton: a down-to-earth country singer with a mild flirtation with pop music.





#10.





Hah! A penis!


#10. Sledgehammer (Peter Gabriel) [1 week; July 26, 1986]


If there’s anything ‘Sledgehammer’ confirms, it’s that Peter Gabriel is insane and talented. The man has a penchant for putting on very showy performances, and while I spoke a lot about the song on my ‘best of ‘86’ list, I didn’t even touch the bizarreness of the music video. It’s one of the most technically impressive and craziest things he has created. Between the sequences involving Peter Gabriel’s head being surrounded by and interacting with random stuff that has no connection to sledgehammers and the claymation portion during the bridge, it is confusing as hell.


I can’t help but feel that the video has eclipsed the song in terms of memorability and success, which is a shame because the song is amazing. Of course, Peter Gabriel getting a #1 hit at all is itself a bit surprising just considering how obtuse his music tends to be compared to the pop music of the time. That’s not a criticism, by the way; we need more artists like him in the world.





#9.





Where do we go? Where do we go now? …It’s ‘Sweet Child o’ Mine’.


#9. Sweet Child o’ Mine (Guns N’ Roses) [2 weeks; September 10-17, 1988]


Let me start by saying yes, I think front man Axl Rose is a bit of, in a friend’s words, a “fuck face”. He’s not exactly in the running for “Frontman of the Year” is all I’m saying. That said, ‘Guns N’ Roses’ are regarded as one of the big names in hard rock music for a reason. While they haven’t had more than one #1 song, their music is regarded as some of the best in its genre, and ‘Sweet Child o’ Mine’ is no exception.


There isn’t a lot for me to say about this song that hasn’t already been said, but I’ll at least try to describe it for all…two of you who’ve never heard people discuss this song. The guitar riff used at the beginning was originally a fret exercise done by Slash that the rest of the band heard and decided to try and jam to. Axl heard them and wrote lyrics to go along with it. Slash’s guitar part is what truly elevates this song, especially during the solo, which radio stations foolishly chose to cut short to make the song more marketable.


Going back to the lyrics, Axl based them off of then girlfriend Erin Everly. They’re incredibly heartfelt and sincere, and the descriptions they use paint a beautiful picture of his “sweet child”. That leaves the outro, where he repeats the statement, “Where do we go? Where do we go now?” The reason for this was that producer Spencer Proffer suggested a breakdown at the end of the song, and while the band agreed they didn’t know how it should be done. Axl listened to the demo in a loop and kept saying those phrases to himself until Proffer suggested he sing those lines.


Guns N’ Roses performed regularly with the classic lineup until around the ‘90s, when band members left or were fired for various reasons. After a very shaky period between the mid-‘90s and the mid-2010s, former members Slash and Duff McKagan rejoined the band, and they’ve been seeing newfound success since then. So if you’re new to Guns ‘N Roses and want to get into them, I’d still suggest checking out their early work, but their current lineup isn’t a bad place to start either, and where they go from here is anyone’s guess.





#8.





On the subject of rock music…


#8. I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll (Joan Jett and the Blackhearts) [7 weeks; March 20-May 1, 1982]


I already thoroughly discussed this song on my best of ’82 list, so if you want a full review, I’d recommend you check that. However, I will note that, while an amazing song, it’s a shame that it didn’t leave a bigger impact on the musical direction of the ‘80s. By this point, most rock and metal acts were diverging from hard rock and moving more towards pop or soft rock. However, I can respect that Joan Jett chose not to follow the trends of the time and just made the music she liked. Everyone else was moving on, but she was still singing that same old song, and I have no complaints about that.





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#7.





1983 was certainly a great year for pop music, but it likely wouldn’t have been as significant if not for 1982. Yes, the year was uninteresting for the most part, but the good music was still quite important towards the shaping of the trends between the early and mid ‘80s. Of course, if you want my opinion of the song that represented the most extensive influence on the trends of the time…


#7. Africa (Toto) [1 week; February 5, 1983]


Like with ‘I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll’, I already discussed this song at length on my best of ’82 list. I even discussed how it might have influenced the sound of music at the time. That said, I don’t think I’ve quite examined the bigger picture yet. As far as soft rock was concerned, ‘Africa’ wasn’t the biggest hit of the genre, but it was proof that it could produce good or possibly even great music. Yes, Chicago were still around and did everything they could to contradict this, and even Toto themselves would reach a serious drop in quality soon after, but for a brief instant, there was something truly special produced from it. It’s going to take a lot to drag me away from this song; it is magnificent.





#6.





There are plenty of cases where an artist makes a song. What we’re about to discuss next is when the song makes the artist.


#6. Billie Jean (Michael Jackson) [7 weeks; March 5-April 16, 1983]


Michael Jackson was already successful before this. Between his time with the Jackson 5 and the hits he produced after he went solo, he was shaping up to be a good pop star. With the release of ‘Billie Jean’, however, he went from being passable to the pinnacle of pop perfection. This can mainly be attributed to his performance on the TV special Motown 25, but that doesn’t mean the song being amazing in its own right didn’t help.


To begin with, the production is fantastic. MJ’s performances tend to be very tight and controlled, and this is no exception. Every element of the song, from the horn stab in the first prechorus, to the bassline lifted from Hall and Oates’s ‘I Can’t Go For That (No Can Do)’, to the guitar solo after the second chorus, plays a role. I especially enjoy how it builds itself up with the 29-second intro. Most artists couldn't get away with their song taking that long to finally start, but this was Michael Jackson; he was not just any artist.


As for the lyrics, they present a more paranoid lyrical style for Jackson. Most of his singles up until this point were cookie-cutter dance pop that, while well done, weren’t exactly delving into any serious material. ‘Billie Jean’, however, presents him in a vulnerable position, giving probably one of his most compelling performances. The content is almost an afterthought given everything else, but the story Michael conveys of being approached by a fan claiming to be his baby mama sounds like something out of a celebrity’s worst nightmares. It doesn’t necessarily paint him as likeable or relatable, though, considering the music being released nowadays, it almost seems like he was offering a warning to other celebrities senselessly screwing around in their songs.


The argument could be made that one of the other #1 singles Michael released in the ‘80s was better than this one, but I don’t think any of them left the same impact. With the other ones, Michael had already established himself as the king of pop, so he could’ve sung about just about anything and gotten a hit out of it. Even if ‘Billie Jean’ wasn’t the one with the best quality, it was the one that made the biggest impression, the song representing his departure from the bubblegum and dance pop he made with his siblings and his first steps into serious songwriting. The kid may not be your son, MJ, but this song is most definitely yours, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.





#5.





To think I considered the last song a display of vulnerability…


#5. When Doves Cry (Prince) [5 weeks; July 7-August 4, 1984]


It’s a bit embarrassing for me to admit this, but Prince was one of the artists from the ‘80s that I ended up missing out on when I started listening to the music of the decade. I guess it’s only fitting that this would be the first song of his that I ever heard. It could be argued that this set my standards for the guy pretty high, considering how awesome this is.


Going into the song itself, Prince was asked by the director of the film ‘Purple Rain’ to write a song that matched the tone of one specific part of the film, involving intermingled parental issues and a love affair. This was one of two songs he wrote, purportedly inspired by a relationship with Vanity 6 member Susan Moonsie. The song details a failed relationship where the narrator doesn’t place blame on either party but instead uses it to examine himself, including comparing himself to each of his parents.


Instrumentally, this song stands out compared to other songs of the ‘80s in a few ways. For example, it has a starker texture and no bass line. In addition, it features two guitar solos, a synthesizer solo, and a classical music-inspired keyboard segment right at the end of the song. The radio edits either faded out at the longer guitar and synthesizer solos or cut them out entirely, which I think is a shame. Yes, they lengthen the song unnecessarily, but they’re still very impressive solos.


It’s interesting that Prince is mostly recognized as a funk performer, yet his most famous hit isn’t from that genre. Instead, ‘When Doves Cry’ delves into experimental pop, synthpop, and soul, made especially impressive when you consider Prince plays all the instruments on the song and sings all the vocals. In addition to being the #1 song of 1984, it was also the last song by a solo artist to be certified platinum before the certification requirements were lowered in 1989. That alone should be enough proof of what an impact this song’s had on the popular consciousness.





#4.





I don’t think I realized it until I started doing these lists, but I greatly enjoy Jim Steinman’s work. In a world so focused on being sarcastic and “ironic”, it’s nice to hear someone put forth something as simultaneously straightforward, complicated, honest, cheesy and over-the-top as he can. I’ve touched on some of his work with Meat Loaf, but he’s written and produced for other artists too.


#4. Total Eclipse of the Heart (Bonnie Tyler) [4 weeks; October 1-22, 1983]


In true Jim Steinman fashion, I’m now completely unironically stating my enjoyment of this song, which everyone and their mother has made fun of, mostly through the literal music video. I honestly never understood the appeal of those. However, I can definitely find such in ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’.


Going into the lyrics, Tyler sings of being in love with someone, but with the descriptions it sounds unrequited, as reflected in the darkness imagery, especially the title. Of course, this could also be a reflection of the song’s original theme and title, ‘Vampires in Love’. I’ll at least say this much: it certainly sounds like a better vampire love story than ‘Twilight’.


Of course, what really wins me over is Bonnie Tyler herself. Her singing is what makes this work. What her voice lacks in smoothness it makes up for in intensity and emotional range. She goes from loss to fear to desperation and, finally, resignation. When she says she’s falling apart, I completely believe it.


Most of Jim Steinman’s work was performed by Meat Loaf, but I’m not sure he would’ve been the right choice for this song. He might be a powerhouse of a singer, but he’s also kind of onenote. Bonnie Tyler singing this had more of an impact; prior to this her songs were fairly light and samey-sounding, and going from those to this is like going from a ‘60s sitcom to a rock opera. Way to shatter our expectations, Bonnie Tyler; you may be falling apart, but I’m still falling in love with this one.





#3.





The top three songs for this list will probably be the most predictable songs I could’ve picked. What can I say? I’m easy to read sometimes.


#3. Another Brick in the Wall, Part II (Pink Floyd) [4 weeks; March 22-April 12, 1980]


If you didn’t grow up in the 1970s, chances are this was your introduction to Pink Floyd. Admittedly, this isn’t a bad place to start. It was certainly a song that could only have been made by the band, even if most of the rest of their material was more experimental and delved into deeper subjects.


The song contains only one verse and one chorus, which are repeated once. Originally the band was only going to have the single verse and chorus, with the song barely being over a minute long. Instead, producer Bob Ezrin copied the song’s original structure and connected the original lyrical structure via a brief drum fill.


Based on what I’ve read about the song, the addition of the choir of children on the second verse was less an artistic decision and more of a marketing choice. However, it fits with the song’s theme of students rebelling against their schoolmasters, and adds a creepier edge to the song that the original version was lacking. If the song had been kept as the band had originally recorded it, its tone likely wouldn’t have been as powerful.


It’s surprising to me that this song was the #2 song of 1980, behind Blondie’s ‘Call Me’. I don’t say that as a knock against the song’s quality; it certainly deserves the position. I’m merely commenting on how unexpected it was that a song this dark managed to achieve this level of success on the pop charts, especially considering the other songs that were popular at the time.





#2.





Of course, Pink Floyd weren’t the only band in the 1980s to have a hit song that was sparse with its lyrics.


#2. Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) (The Eurythmics) [1 week; September 3, 1983]


The Second British Invasion was the name given to the influx of UK and other European acts that became hits in the US between 1982 and 1986. While many different genres crossed over to American shores during this time, the main ones seeing success were synthpop and new wave, with such bands as Duran Duran, A Flock of Seagulls, and The Human League all gaining chart success during this period. Of course, one of the best acts to see their success during this period would have to be the Eurythmics.


‘Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)’ is considered the band’s signature song, and for good reason. That minimalist synth line is iconic; it sticks in the brain, and it’s supported with just the right touches of production to keep it from growing stale. Of course, the true star of the show is frontwoman Annie Lennox, who has a level of control over her vocals that Mariah Carey wishes she could maintain.


That, of course, leaves the lyrics. The choices of words would initially suggest that the song’s about sex or S&M, especially during the second half of the refrain:





Some of them want to use you


Some of them want to be used by you


Some of them want to abuse you


Some of them want to be abused





According to Lennox, however, the lyrics are about the unhappy state that she and Dave Stewart, the band’s producer, were in after their original band, The Tourists, broke up. “Sweet dreams are made of this” was her way of saying, “Look at the state we’re in. How can it get much worse?”. Stewart, thinking the lyrics were too depressing, included the “Hold your head up, moving on” bridge to make it sound more uplifting.


Normally I’m not one for nihilism, and I’m still hesitant to call this a perfect song despite it being pretty much that. That said, I still consider it one of the best of the decade because it doesn’t make a fuss over it. If anything, the control in this song is what wins me over; it exercises just enough that it stays focused and doesn’t overblow itself while also still making the listener want to dance. Of course, this wasn’t the only song to exercise such control during this decade, and on that note...





#1.





I think it’s kind of funny that, despite this list focusing on the #1 ‘80s hits in the US, the top four artists were from the UK. That said, I’m not complaining, considering this was a time when British music was, for the most part, better than American music. So, of the many, many acts from overseas that were exported here during this time, which would be the most suitable to claim the top spot on this list? Do I even have to ask?


#1. Another One Bites the Dust (Queen) [3 weeks; October 4-18, 1980]


I won’t pretend I’m more of a fan of Queen’s work in the ‘80s than that of the ‘70s. That said, I don’t think it’s any surprise that this was their biggest hit on Billboard. It was their second #1 hit song, and the more famous of the two, going four times platinum, and charting for fifteen weeks in the top ten and thirty-one weeks on the hot 100. Achievements are one thing, but what about the song?


First, there’s the production. Much like ‘Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)’, this song’s instrumentation is tight and focused. Not a single element in the song is pointless. What’s especially impressive is that none of the effects used in this song were done with synthesizers; just piano, electric guitar, and drums. Furthermore, the song was written by John Deacon, who plays almost all of the instruments, save Roger Taylor’s drum loop and Brian May’s contributions via his guitar and an Eventide Harmonizer.


That just leaves Freddie Mercury. He is the factor that pushes this song over the top. Where Annie Lennox’s performance was ethereal and subtle, Freddie’s is full of bombast and oozing with charisma. My favorite part of the song has to be the second verse and chorus, where the former features a slow build-up into his octave shift before leading into the hook, which features harmonized vocals. Interestingly, Taylor originally sang the lead vocals in early live performances while Freddie did all the vocals in the studio version. Eventually, after the song got more well-known, the band was able to rely on the audience to sing the chorus themselves.


Some of you might argue that other songs on this list were better. Even so, I still place this at the #1 spot because it makes the most out of the few elements that were incorporated into it. Also, unlike most of the other songs on this list, it didn’t have to rely on the traditional ‘80s sounds created by synthesizers. It was the final hurrah that transitioned pop music from the ‘70s to the ‘80s, and it’s for this reason that it is my choice for the best #1 hit song of the 1980s.


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Top 20 Worst #1 Hit Songs of the 1980s

Hello folks. First, let me apologize for the lateness of this list. There was some business I needed to attend to in my life, and as a result, I didn’t have as much freedom to work on these reviews as I would’ve liked. I probably could’ve released another regular list and called it a day, but I felt like I should do something more ambitious. So, it is with great enthusiasm and eagerness that I present to you the first of its kind to come from me: the top twenty worst number one hit songs of the 1980s.

Some people might present the argument that the ‘80s were a touch overrated, and sadly I am one of those people. With the number of artists that have drawn inspiration from that time period in recent years, it can be hard to remember that not all the music from that decade was pristine. Yes, it gave us the likes of Michael Jackson, Madonna, Prince, and Wham!, but it also gave us Milli Vanilli, UB40, and two terrible music acts for the price of one with Chicago’s soft rock period and Peter Cetera’s solo career. The first half of the ‘80s was fairly good, but as the years progressed, their momentum slowly started plummeting, and yes, we’re going to be looking at some of the lowest points they had to offer.

Now, keep in mind, for a song to qualify for this list, it had to have originally peaked at #1 during the ‘80s and no sooner. Therefore ‘Escape (The Pina Colada Song)’ by Rupert Holmes barely missed qualification because it first hit #1 in 1979. Furthermore, I’ll be using my usual standard for judging a song: “What was this song’s goal and did it accomplish it?” and “How does this song make me feel?” Also as usual, we’ll be starting with our honorable mentions. So, without further ado…

Do That to Me One More Time (The Captain & Tennille) [1 week; February 16, 1980]

I’m surprised the Captain and Tennille managed any hits in the 1980s, let alone one that peaked atop the hot 100. Not much to say about this song that hasn’t been said about every other Captain and Tennille song, save that it uses that water droplet sound effect that seems tailor made to get on my nerves. Ultimately though, I left it off the list because there just wasn’t enough to get mad about. It’s a wispy, little nothing of a song that doesn’t warrant any further attention than this. Next!

Eternal Flame (The Bangles) [1 week; April 1, 1989]

The Bangles might’ve been a huge hit with ‘Walk Like an Egyptian’, but I can’t say I can get behind this. The name of the song is ‘Eternal Flame’, yet it feels so watery and weak. Also, we were getting more than enough slow tempo ballads at this point in the ‘80s as it was; we seriously didn’t need this. This was one flame that couldn’t keep burning.

Bette Davis Eyes (Kim Carnes) [9 weeks, nonconsecutive; May 16-June 13 & June 27-July 18, 1981]

I was surprised this didn’t make the list, considering just how bad Kim Carnes is about remaining on pitch. This is at least better than ‘Voyeur’, though not by much.

When I’m with You (Sheriff) [1 week; February 4, 1989]

I swear Canada has made good music. I just seem to be struggling at consistently finding examples of such. This was Sheriff’s only big hit in the US, and it’s just another slow-tempo, sleep-inducing soft rock song. It’s not the worst of the bunch I’ll be covering by a long shot, but it’s easily one of the least memorable.

Hangin’ Tough (New Kids On the Block) [1 week, September 9, 1989]

This I almost find kind of endearing in its ridiculousness. This seemed to be around when the boy band formula people have come to recognize was starting to take shape, but before they truly knew how to present themselves. Nowadays they sing about how much they love you and how they’ll go to any lengths to prove their love. New Kids On the Block, meanwhile, are bragging about how tough they are. It’s honestly too stupid to know any better; I can’t get mad at it. Other such songs on the list proper will not have this excuse.

Now then folks, let’s find out which of these songs give love a bad name as we count down…

…THE TOP 20 WORST #1 HIT SONGS OF THE 1980S!

#20.

I’m convinced that 1986 was around the point in the decade where the pop charts started to truly take a turn for the worse. As evidence of this, let me present what song ended up being the #3 hit of the following year:

#20. Shake You Down (Gregory Abbott) [1 week]: January 17, 1987]

I’ve heard the saying, “It’s never too late” regarding musical performers and age, but I honestly can’t say I can support that statement. Most of the performers I know of who started their careers later in their lives tend to suck. This Gregory Abbott guy didn’t release his first album until he was in his thirties, and the result was this!

This is the title track off of that album, ‘Shake You Down’, a song that Abbott wrote and produced himself, and boy does it show. It’s a song about sex, and the lyrics don’t come across as the least bit sexy. Who describes having sex with someone as shaking them down? Even ignoring that shaking someone down is an extortion, that doesn’t sound like a sexy thing to say. It clearly sounds like the guy was just reaching for a phrase that rhymed with “take you down”, but if you’re struggling this much you’re supposed to erase what isn’t working and start over!

That’s even before we get to Gregory Abbott himself. The man carries no pulchritude whatsoever; he’s got all the charm of spoiled cottage cheese. Even ignoring that, his singing constantly sounds like he’s straining his voice to hit every note. He comes across less like a man performing a song and more like a yelping sea lion.

It’s not even like the guy felt any kind of emotional attachment to this; it was just one of a number of songs that he recorded for a demo and was one of the three out of about a dozen that got picked. That means that this was deemed one of the better tracks he recorded for that demo. Think about that for a bit, and then let’s move along.

#19.

I don’t have any issues with Phil Collins as a performer. I know some people prefer Genesis under Peter Gabriel, but Collins contributed to the group both as a drummer and eventually as the lead singer. He was responsible for the band seeing the success they received, and even in his solo career he’s made some good songs. That said I’m still not one to overlook crap when I hear it.

#19. Against All Odds (Take a Look at Me Now) (Phil Collins) [3 weeks; April 21-May 5, 1984]

Phil Collins is a man with plenty of talents. He can play drums, he can sing, he can write lyrics, but somehow all of his skills fail him on this song. This was the theme to a romantic neo-noir thriller film of the same name that came out that year, but from what I’ve read, this was the most memorable thing about the film. Granted, it’s not like this song’s more memorable by much.

Let’s start with the song’s most glaring flaw: it’s terribly boring. There’s no emotional power behind this, no intensity, and no sense of desperation whatsoever. It’s just this slow, dreary, dull thing. The melody barely exists to carry the song, and Collins sounds completely checked out.

The lyrics don’t fair much better. It just speaks in vague statements that don’t paint any kind of picture of the break-up Collins is trying to invest the listener in. There’s nothing in this song that one couldn’t get from anyone else. This was originally from the sessions for his debut solo album, with the song being titled ‘How Can You Just Sit There?’, before he was approached to write a song for the film, which seems to explain the lack of personal connection that permeates the entire thing. If there were anything connecting him to the song personally, he would’ve included it on his solo album rather than handing it off to be the theme to a film.

It’s a shame this song leaves me feeling so cold because I know Phil Collins is capable of writing good slow-tempo ballads. ‘In Too Deep’, which Genesis would release two years later, is an excellent ballad that should’ve been a #1 hit. Instead, we’re stuck with this. I’m sorry Phil, but my taking any liking to this song is against all possible odds, and that’s what you’ll have to face.

#18.            

As it happens, Phil Collins wasn’t the only lead singer of a band to release crap through his solo career.

#18. The Next Time I Fall (Peter Cetera and Amy Grant) [1 week; December 6; 1986]

Granted, at the very least Phil Collins could claim that his band consistently made good music throughout their career. The same can most definitely not be said of Chicago front man Peter Cetera, a man most people consider terrible to the point of demonizing him, and in many cases their judgment isn’t misplaced. This wasn’t quite his worst song, but it is still an exemplary presentation of his failures as a solo artist.

For starters, there’s the melody. All throughout the song, it keeps changing, and not even flowing into itself stably. It’s almost like they had several different song melodies in mind when they wrote this but couldn’t decide on just one so they just tossed them all in a blender and poured it out in chunks. I know that the melody’s supposed to transition between each segment of a song; that’s how music works. However, it just screeches to a halt whenever it gets to the chorus and needs to start with a completely different melody, and it comes across as clumsy.

That’s before we get to the next problem: Peter Cetera himself. Not only is his singing off key to the point that it affects his pronunciation, but the word choices are completely unimaginative. This is especially noticeable on the chorus, where they basically just repeat one line ad nauseum. It’s not even a very good line really. “The next time I fall in love, it will be with you”? Why can’t this person be the one you fall in love with right now? Are you just getting cold feet and not feeling up to committing yourself to them? Oh, and Amy Grant’s on this song too, I guess.

I can’t imagine how into bad soft rock you’d have to be to enjoy this. Even ignoring all of the problems I’ve mentioned, it’s just mind-numbingly boring. It’s one of those songs you play and forget you’re listening to it, and that’s never a good thing to hear someone say about a song. Now then, let’s move along before I fall asleep on my laptop while writing this.

#17.

           

#17. Girl I’m Gonna Miss You (Milli Vanilli) [2 weeks; September 23-30, 1989]

…AND…

#16. Baby Don’t Forget My Number (Milli Vanilli) [1 week; July 1, 1989]

You knew this was coming. Just to be clear, I didn’t put these songs on this list because of the fact that the band was lip-syncing all of their songs, but because these songs are terrible. I’m sure that former Milli Vanilli “frontmen” Fab Morvan and Rob Pilatus were nice enough people, but the music they had their names attached to just wasn’t very good.

‘Girl I’m Gonna Miss You’ demonstrates startlingly unimpressive musical ability from the people that were performing the songs for the ill-fated faces of the band. The vocal melody is ear-piercingly off-pitch and even its timber and quality clashes with the instrumentation and harmonies. That’s ignoring the stupidity of the lyrics, which are apparently about a guy who knew the girl he’s singing to would break his heart but decided to go along with her anyway. How did he know she would break his heart? Why did he feel obligated to go after her anyway? Did he actually apologize to the girl himself or did he need someone else to say the apology for him?

That brings us to ‘Baby Don’t Forget My Number’, the band’s first #1 hit single, and one that sounds like some kind of Frankenstein’s monster of a tune. The rapped lines in this song are just clunky and awkward, seeming to be meant for a different song. The instrumentals clash horrendously with themselves, with keyboard stabs and synth lines seeming to be lifted from other songs. Then there’s the chorus, which contains one of the most bafflingly forced rhymes the band could’ve conceived.

Do I think Milli Vanilli were the worst thing to happen to music in the ‘80s? No, not by a long shot. The music quality was already starting to decline before they were even conceived; they were merely the product of that degradation. That said I don’t find what they did acceptable or justifiable for two reasons. One, they were lying about the music they were releasing, and two, said music was crap. Sorry guys, but I don’t miss you in the slightest, and I’ve already forgotten your number.

#15.            

Oh my God, there’s a girl over there I want to touch with my genitals. Magic, I guess.

#15. Abracadabra (The Steve Miller Band) [2 weeks, nonconsecutive; September 4 & 25, 1982]

I’ve already discussed this song, so rather than repeat myself, I’ll just include a link to the submission where I discuss this song below. My opinion on the song hasn’t changed, and if anything I feel like it’s gotten worse. They set up this theme of magic and mystery, and all they do with it is describe a woman they find hot. Even listening to it in comparison to the other songs that came out this decade, it felt like a clumsy, desperate move by the band, which just couldn’t keep up with the changing music scene. Not surprisingly, they couldn’t keep up the momentum and vanished. Let’s hope they stay that way.

http://flashback-music-madness.blogspot.com/2016/05/top-10-worst-hit-songs-of-1982.html

#14.

To think I was complaining about people doing bad covers of Beatles songs back when I did my worst of ’69 list…

#14. Got My Mind Set on You (George Harrison) [1 week; January 16, 1988]            

Apparently that works in reverse too. It could be argued that George Harrison was the best musician out of the Beatles, but lyrically he seriously struggled. Having now gone through his music, I can definitely see why he was only given a couple of songs to write per each album the band released. Most of his solo work is pretty cringe-worthy, either because the lyrics are sloppy or because the music’s terribly obnoxious to listen to.

That brings us to this song, ‘Got My Mind Set On You’, a cover of an old James Ray song from the ‘60s. It sadly didn’t chart on Billboard, else it likely would’ve made my best of ’62 list, because it is a magnificent song. It took advantage of the few words and phrases present in the song and used them efficiently. It was repetitious at points, but never to the point that it felt like the listener was being beaten in the face with the same seven words endlessly. Also, it was jaunty and upbeat, which added nice contrast with the narrative of a guy down on his luck in love persevering in the face of complete failure. It was a solid tune.

How, then, does George Harrison manage to screw something like this up? To begin with, the song’s slowed down; slightly, yes, but it makes all the difference. Where the original was light and bouncy, this version is some galumphing elephantine thing charging blindly ahead with the same phrase hammered into your skull until you hemorrhage. Also, he changed the lyrics, cutting some out while rearranging others, making it sound so generic and dull while excising the passion and emotional weight of the original.

Of course, no one should need me to explain why this song is terrible. Others before me have already thoroughly dissected this song and found all its flaws. Even if you’re willing to look past the differences to the original, it doesn’t hold up on its own. George Harrison may have his mind set on you, but I’ve got my mind set on anything but this.

#13.

Surprise, it’s another Peter Cetera ballad!

#13. Hard to Say I’m Sorry (Chicago) [2 weeks; September 11-18, 1982]

I don’t understand what Chicago were thinking when they released this outside of, “Gosh, our ballads seem to be making us the most success. Let’s just do more of those.” I suppose I should correct myself about this being the song where people gave up on the band, considering they were already turning into this by the mid-‘70s. This song showcases all of Peter Cetera’s worst qualities as a performer, with sloppy lyrics, lackluster instrumentation, and limp, soggy vocals.

Of course, I’ve already thoroughly discussed this song also, so you can just check out my worst of ’82 list for that. If I might have one thing to add though, it’s that this marked Chicago as one of the first bands to turn to soft rock once the ‘80s came around. That’s right, Chicago were trendsetters. They essentially started the bandwagon that other bands hopped on, so you can thank them for that. “Hard to say I’m sorry” indeed, Cetera. How can you be sorry when you were responsible for ruining ‘80s rock music? Screw this!

#12.

How appropriate that this artist’s name is Ocean, because the disaster that was his musical output was Titanic!

#12. There’ll Be Sad Songs (To Make You Cry) (Billy Ocean) [1 week; July 5, 1986]

Billy Ocean certainly isn’t the worst thing to happen to the ‘80s in retrospect. He’s probably the least interesting though. He’s only released one song anyone remembers, and it wasn’t this one. This song is especially lacking anything memorable, which is why I put it on this list, though if you want a more thorough analysis, I’ve covered it previously on my worst of ’86 list, which I’ll include a link to below. Trust me, however, when I say we’ve yet to see the last of Billy Ocean on this list…

http://flashback-music-madness.blogspot.com/2015/11/top-10-worst-hit-songs-of-1986.html

#11.            

I’m not a stranger to mash-ups nor am I inherently against them. Some songs are able to lend themselves to being mashed up well because so many songs follow the four chords of pop. However, when they’re done willy-nilly without thought to making the two songs match up well together, then you get things like this:

#11. Baby, I Love Your Way/Freebird Medley (Will to Power) [1 week; December 3, 1988]

Will to Power is an American dance-pop and freestyle music group from south Florida. They mainly saw success on the Billboard dance charts, but saw their biggest success in the late ‘80s with this mash-up of Peter Frampton’s ‘Baby, I Love Your Way’ and Lynyrd Skynyrd’s ‘Freebird’. The main question I have to ask is this: why? What do these two songs have that would justify them both being squished together into something like this?

The two songs themselves don’t seem like a bad place to start, so let’s compare them, shall we? Some things both of them have in common are that they’re both rock ballads from the ‘70s. Of course, where ‘Baby, I Love Your Way’ is a love song where the narrator pleads with the listener to show them their love, ‘Freebird’ is a break-up song where the singer laments that he can’t stay with the listener because that’s just not who he is.

So, the two songs are telling two completely different stories and from different perspectives. In that regard, I can almost understand why Will to Power chose them to mash-up. The problem is that, aside from the contrasts in themes, there’s nothing connecting these songs. They don’t have the same chord progressions or tempo, so they can’t flow into each other smoothly. More importantly though, they took two ‘70s rock songs and gave them ‘80s synth production. Most of the better songs that use synthesizers are upbeat and energetic; they need to be used sparingly on slower, downbeat songs.

There are some songs that can justify having made it to #1 on Billboard. Even some of the worst songs that peak atop the hot 100, including some a lot worse than this song, fill a niche; they cater to a specific audience and provide something that couldn’t be gotten elsewhere. I can’t say I know who would possibly enjoy this. Even if I were to imagine the synths didn’t clash with the tone of the song, the contrasting tones make it impossible to connect with. I guess it’s supposed to be played at proms or the like, but it doesn’t have a romantic enough atmosphere to justify dancing to. It’s just a garbled mishmash of two songs that completely misses the point of both. Well, Will to Power, I don’t love your way, nor does this make me feel free as a bird.

#10.

While Chicago and Peter Cetera were seen as the faces of bad soft rock in the ‘80s, they weren’t the only ones to hop on that bandwagon. Other bands would follow, for good and bad. On the one hand, you had bands like Genesis who were able to take the lighter elements of soft rock and draw out an emotional intensity one wouldn’t expect from the genre. On the other hand…

#10. If You Don’t Know Me By Now (Simply Red) [1 week; July 15, 1989]            

If you’re not familiar with Simply Red, I don’t blame you. Despite having two #1 hits, they didn’t have much of a presence on the pop charts. This song was their biggest hit, and it’s a cover of a song by Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes from the 1970s. In the band’s defense though, they were probably just working with a crap song because the original isn’t much better.

Firstly, there’s the structure of the song. It’s this slow, downbeat thing that has no passion behind it. Considering this was a soul band, I would’ve expected them to have a little more emotion than this. Instead, what they provide is this watered-down, white bread, half-formed nothing that just sits there collecting mold and attracting flies. This isn’t a song, it’s a fraction of a song; a fragment of an idea that was rushed through production before it had time to properly take shape.

That almost-a-song quality is prevalent even in the lyrics and vocal performance. The story of the song seems to be about how the narrator is struggling to maintain a relationship, possibly a marriage, and the only implications we receive about something being wrong with their family is that the guy stays out late. That’s not to say that isn’t a good reason for concern, but it’s hardly enough by itself for the listener to get a feel for why this couple isn’t happy. In fact, frontman Mick Hucknall seems to lack any semblance of passion or ability to draw in the listener whatsoever here.

What’s especially disappointing about this is that Simply Red weren’t a bad band. They didn’t offer anything new to the table, but they had released decent songs. Too bad none of their good material made it onto Billboard. Considering their biggest hits are also probably among their worst songs, I guess I really don’t know them by now, and chances are I never will.

#9.

Milli Vanilli had three #1 hits. You didn’t seriously think I just forgot about that last one, did you?

#9. Blame It on the Rain (Milli Vanilli) [2 weeks; November 25-December 2, 1989]

The entire Milli Vanilli project was a disaster waiting to happen. I’m not going to pretend that their other two #1 hits were masterpieces, but their biggest crimes, aside from lying to their audience, were embarrassing themselves. ‘Blame It on the Rain’, however, is beyond just being stupid and innocent; it ventures into being outright offensive to listen to. Where ‘Baby Don’t Forget My Number’ and ‘Girl I’m Gonna Miss You’ insulted the intelligence of the singers, this insults the intelligence of the listener.

How is this song so much more degrading and awful than their previous two hits? Let’s start with the verses. The song begins by talking about a failed relationship. Specifically, it’s a relationship that was ruined by the guy in question being too proud and just letting a good thing slip through his fingers. Wait though, this wasn’t just anyone that let this love get ruined; it was you! Yes, you were the one that was too proud, you refused to admit you were wrong to the girl; it was your fault!

What’s worse than that is the advice they give to you afterwards. Rather than telling you to take responsibility for your actions and man up and learn not to do this in the future, their advice is to be a completely immature punk who diverts blame to anything other than himself. Yes, blame the fact that it was raining as the reason you didn’t choose to swallow your pride, blame the stars for the girl walking away from you! It’s totally okay; it’s not like they care! It totally doesn’t make you look like an idiot for the thing that we were just saying was your fault but are now trying to tell you not to blame yourself for!

At this point, the fact that Fab Morvan and Rob Pilatus were lip-syncing the whole thing is just the cherry on top of what was already a melted sundae topped with horseradish and lint. I’m not a fan of most break-up songs, but as far as transparently trying to avoid guilt or the understanding of the complexities of relationships, this is in a league of its own as far as I’m concerned. Milli Vanilli, I’m not going to take your advice, because I know exactly who’s to blame for this: you and the studio hacks that wrote, produced, and truly sang it.

#8.

I don’t think I need to state that the Commodores were a good band. They weren’t great, but they did have plenty of iconic songs to them. Even Lionel Richie was able to present some stellar material while he was with the group, though still not that often. I bring this up because I want to concede that the man has at least made some good music and didn’t always suck. That becomes much more difficult to say nowadays because his solo career offers no defense.

#8. Hello (Lionel Richie) [2 weeks; May 12-19, 1984]

Sadly, with disco having been thoroughly killed off at this point, there wasn’t any way Lionel Richie was going to see any further success by making music from that genre. Instead, he opted towards the soft rock ballads that were growing steadily more popular. So you can add his name to the list of artists who broke off from their bands to make garbage music on their own.

Now then, let’s go through the laundry list of problems with this song. First, there’s the obvious problem: the lyrics. The song is about how the narrator is in love with someone that seemingly doesn’t even know he exists. The lengths he goes to with describing his love, however, lean a bit on the creepy side. “I’ve been alone with you inside my mind/And in my dreams I’ve kissed your lips a thousand times”. If Lionel Richie weren’t so unthreatening this might’ve been a more concerning song, but ultimately it’s just pitiful and weak.

That weakness persists even in the instrumentation. The tone of the song seems confused about what it’s trying to convey. The verses have this eerie, almost haunting sound that seems to suggest that Lionel Richie’s going to murder this girl. Then it gets to the chorus and becomes this soft, sweeping thing that completely lacks any hint of self-awareness. Compare this to The Police’s infinitely superior ‘Every Breath You Take’, which at least knew it wasn’t romantic in any way and owned the persona it presented, where ‘Hello’ seems too confused to know what it wants to be.

I recognize that it was the ‘80s and the phrases and their context were interpreted differently back then compared to how they are today. That said, even when this came out, why would anyone want to listen to this? There were other love songs being released at the time that were a million times better! So no, Lionel Richie, it’s not you I’m looking for. You may say “Hello”, but all I have to say is “Good bye, good luck, and get out”!

#7.

1988 was likely the worst year of the ‘80s. There were a number of tragedies that occurred this year, but that’s not why. No, as far as #1 songs were concerned, this year had some of the worst. Yes, this year put ‘Sweet Child o’ Mine’ by Guns ‘n’ Roses up to #1, but do you know what peaked atop Billboard almost immediately after it?

#7. Don’t Worry, Be Happy (Bobby McFerrin) [2 weeks; September 24-October 1, 1988]

I realize I’m probably pissing a lot of people off by saying I don’t like this song, but to be perfectly honest, I’m not entirely sure why. I recognize that there are positive things to be said about this song; like that it was the first a cappella hit song. Also, it came out at a time when people probably could’ve used a bit of levity what with the Cold War still lingering over everyone like the Sword of Damocles. Yet despite this, I can’t find it in me to enjoy it. Why is that?

While I’m not sure I have coherent reasoning for why I hate this song, I do have a few theories. First and foremost, the attitude of the singer comes across as insufferably smug. It feels like he’s trying to come across like one of those snake oil salesmen who have the ultimate remedy for all ails in the form of his simple philosophy that’s just the thing everyone needs. It’s that same attitude of acting like they have all the answers when you didn’t ask the question that also makes it difficult for me to enjoy most religious music or white-guy-with-acoustic-guitar songs.

Of course, there’s also the possibility that the problem is a bit more personal. This is something I don’t often discuss with people, but I’m struggling with severe anxiety and depression, so I have trouble finding joy in a lot of things, even activities that I used to enjoy. So hearing a song tell me that finding happiness is as simple as choosing to be happy over gradually overcoming one’s inner demons and fighting to find a reason to keep living just comes across as ignorant, thoughtless, and inconsiderate.

I will admit that I’m not entirely sure if those are the true reasons why this song rubs me the wrong way, but that doesn’t change the fact that it does. I’m sure most of you are surprised that I’m saying that I could possibly hate this more than ‘Abracadabra’, ‘Hello’, or any of Milli Vanilli’s songs, but I do. Nothing about this song connects with me, and despite what I’ve said, I’m still unable to deduce why that is. With that said, I’d like to focus my efforts on my disdain for something I can tangibly identify my reasons for hating, such as…

#6.

Just a warning, if you’ve read my previous lists, some of these top picks will get incredibly predictable. With that said…

#6. Jack & Diane (John Cougar) [4 weeks; October 2-23, 1982]

This song still sounds like a mess, no matter how many times I hear it. John Cougar still sounds like he’s desperately trying and failing to emulate Bob Dylan, and it still reeks of old-timey folk music, and not the stuff that’s aged well either. Of course, I’ve said all of this before on my worst of ’82 list, so you’re probably better checking that out if you want a full critique of the song.

If I had anything to add about this, it would have to be that it’s a shame that this was John Cougar’s only #1 hit because he had some decent songs in him. Even he didn’t seem to like this one though, considering the problems he had with making it. The clapping, for example, was originally supposed to be removed from the final version of the song, but he realized it didn’t work without something to keep the tempo. Bottom line, this song is a train wreck that only gets worse each time I hear it. Life may go on after the thrill of living is gone, but this song sputters out like a dying motorboat and sinks like a rock. Next!

#5.

As it happens, ‘Hello’ wasn’t the worst thing Lionel Richie did in the ‘80s. That would be the creation of one of the most infamous star-studded charity singles, and probably one of the few to make it to #1 on Billboard.

#5. We Are the World (USA for Africa) [4 weeks; April 13-May 4, 1985]

Technically, this was a collaborative effort between Lionel Richie and Michael Jackson, so that would explain how this song became a hit. Chances are my younger readers are more familiar with the 2010 remake of this song made for Haiti after the earthquake that year. If so, I’ll warn you right now this version isn’t much better.

So, what’s the problem with this song? Well, to understand its failings, we should start by identifying what the song does right. It manages to pull together a large group of different artists, some of who were the best of their time, and who likely never would’ve collaborated with each other otherwise. Also, they did everything they could to make each artist sound their best. So, at the very least this song has star power behind it. Also, it’s supporting a good cause: donating money to support starving families in Africa during a time when the people there were suffering from a serious famine. That’s a noble cause and isn’t exactly something to turn one’s nose up at.

Unfortunately, the list of positive qualities about this song stops there. There are a number of problems with this song, but probably the biggest one is the lyrics. They try to sound earnest and heartfelt, but instead they come across as egotistical, right down to the title of the song: “We are the world”. The other problem with this song is that it repeats the chorus about fifty times at the end of the song, causing the whole thing to clock in just over seven minutes in length. The chorus takes up over half the song, and it’s a pretty bad chorus too. In addition, the whole thing is just slow and tedious in some vain attempt to sound dramatic and bigger than it is.

All this and likely more are the reasons why no one takes this song seriously anymore. It did succeed in receiving over $63 million, equal to about $138 million today, for humanitarian aid in Africa and the US. So, at the very least something good came from this song’s existence. Bit of a shame the song by itself is such a meaningless cloud of fluff that can’t stand on its own merits. I’m not the world, I’m not the children; I’m just some dork on the Internet who thinks this song is garbage.

#4.

Can we please stop making songs with weak excuses to justify cheating? Please?

#4. Human (The Human League) [1 week; November 22, 1986]

As harsh as I was to this song back on my worst of ’86 list, I think I might have underplayed its horribleness! The first verse of the song goes on about how the singer wants his love that he cheated on to stop crying and acts like he cares about her. Then it follows that up with excuses to justify his actions, including the “I wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt you; I just needed someone to hold” cliché. Then there’s the girlfriend admitting that she cheated on the guy. It serves no purpose except to justify his cheating on her.

Of course, it is especially terrible when compared to The Human League’s other #1 hit single in the ‘80s: ‘Don’t You Want Me’, which at least had a pulse and felt like it was coming from someplace real. At the very least it had a catchy hook, something ‘Human’ completely lacks. Unfortunately, by 1986, since soft rock was taking off, it only made sense that the Human League would hitch onto the bandwagon along with everyone else. Don’t hate me for not liking your song, Human League. I’m only human; it’s in my nature to have an opinion, and mine regarding this song is that it’s crap.

#3.

It pains me to have to make an apology regarding this next song, because if anyone should be apologizing, it’s the artist that made it. Still, when I screw up my facts, I feel like it’s my responsibility to correct myself. So, without further ado…

#3. Glory of Love (Peter Cetera) [2 weeks; August 2-9, 1986]

Remember how I went on a rant about how Peter Cetera’s voice sounded terrible with the auto-tune he was using on his voice? Well, if I’d bothered to do my research, I would’ve found out that auto-tune wasn’t introduced until 1997. So I apologize for that mistake folks. I don’t know what vocal effect was used, but it wasn’t auto-tune. It’s still a crappy effect and grates on my ears when I listen to the song though. Not much else to say besides that, honestly. This song’s still tripe and I feel sick every time I hear it. Moving along!

#2.

One artist has referred to this next song as the worst song ever recorded. For me, it only placed at #2 on this list.

#2. Red Red Wine (UB40) [1 week; October 15, 1988]

UB40 are just an ugly band. Their sound is the blandest, stiffest, most sterile form of cod reggae that doesn’t take any chances and has no flavor. This didn’t end up the band’s biggest hit, but it’s the song everyone associates with them. That infuriates me because it’s a cover of a song by Neil Diamond, an artist UB40 don’t deserve to even be mentioned in the same breath as.

So, what are the differences between the two versions? Let’s start with Neil Diamond’s version. It’s a more somber, acoustic ballad about a man trying to get himself drunk enough to forget his memories of the times with someone he loved, since he can’t let them go otherwise. It’s a fairly emotionally gripping song that expertly demonstrates Diamond’s songwriting and lyrical skills. Just the opening line alone is enough to convey all the pain and distress going on through the narrator’s mind. It’s admittedly not my favorite Neil Diamond song, but it’s still a decent one.

So, how does UB40 ruin the song? Well, let’s take out all that emotional heft and replace it with soggy instrumentation that sounds like it needs to be hung out to dry. Then, let’s couple that with Ali Campbell’s reedy, barely annunciating voice that sounds like someone’s slowly crushing his balls. Finally, how about we top it off with a rap verse that serves no purpose but to pad out the song.

It’s worth noting that this song barely cracked the top 40 when it originally charted in the US in 1984. I can only assume it charted again four years later because they performed it at the Nelson Mandela 70^th Birthday Concert. It confuses me why they’d choose to perform this song at that concert, since tributes are usually meant to celebrate the life of someone that just died, while this song is all about struggling to forget about them. That seems like it’s in bad taste guys. Even ignoring that, it’s still a musical equivalent to mold and fungus growing in your home; gross, festering, and never seeming to go away. Forget wine; I’m chugging a barrel of ale to forget about this song!

#1.

It was a bit of a struggle putting this list together. Some lists come easy, some take time to properly form and come together. Over the last two months, I’ve been sitting through the worst that the ‘80s had to offer. Of course, after all that, I feel like this next song was an appropriate choice for the #1, since it’s already recognized by many as one of the worst songs ever written. So, without further ado: the worst #1 hit song of the 1980s.

#1. Get Outta My Dreams, Get into My Car (Billy Ocean) [2 weeks; April 9-16, 1988]

When I first listened to this song while going through Billy Ocean’s discography, I glossed over it. I didn’t think much of it at the time because it just didn’t seem like that significant of a song. Turns out, it was one of the biggest hits of his career. I’ll say this much at least: it doesn’t sound like he was trying to be Lionel Richie with this song; it firmly established an identity for Billy Ocean, and almost immediately afterwards he stopped having further success. Listening to this song, it’s not hard to understand why.

First of all, let’s talk about that title. I’m not sure if he intended it this way, or if people in the late ‘80s interpreted it as such, but that has to be one of the creepiest pick-up lines he could’ve possibly come up with. “Get out of my dreams, get into my car” is the kind of thing child molesters say to unsuspecting kids before they abduct them. The rest of the lyrics don’t fair much better, especially the ones about being, “Like a road runner/Coming after you”.

Then there’s the instrumentation, which just sounds like a cacophonous mish-mash of random noises jumbled into this giant ball of annoyance. Even the opening notes are just a bunch of car sounds! The melody line isn’t much better, basically just being a few chords blasted out with little consistency regarding their timing or rhythm. It almost sounds like the theme song to a bad cartoon: just thoughtless sounds strewn together with no rhyme or reason other than to keep the children’s attention long enough that they won’t annoy the parents too much.

In case it isn’t clear, the last two songs are the primary reason why I don’t think 1988 was a particularly good year for music. Even if the rest of the music from that year was good, how can it justify having music like this making it all the way to #1? If there’s anything I’ve noticed about the worst songs that came out that year, it’s that they seem to have tones that clash with the subject matters of the songs. In this song’s case, it tries to sound romantic and smooth, but it instead sounds rapey and uncomfortable, and it’s for this reason that it makes it right to the top of this list. ‘Get Outta My Dreams, Get into My Car’ by Billy Ocean, a fitting choice for the worst #1 hit song of the 1980s. 

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