Hello folks. So,
we’re back in the ‘60s again, and oh man, am I excited to dive into this decade
once more! I mean, just thinking about all of the music my parents raised me
on, the big singles that everyone remembers from this decade, all the important
movements that happened around this time… all of this just gets me excited! I
can’t wait to talk some more about acts like the Beatles, Simon and Garfunkel,
the Supremes, Elvis Presley, Ray Charles, the goddamn Righteous Brothers! There
may have been decades that had bigger music, but I don’t think there were any
decades that left as significant an impact on society as the ‘60s! So let’s go!
What year are we going to be diving into this time around? 1964? 1966?
Sadly the answer
is “no”. I’m not going to be focusing on a particularly noteworthy year as far
as pop music is concerned. Specifically, I’m going to be focusing on the early
‘60s, a time frame which society seems to have done its best to forget about. Okay,
significant things did happen around this time, even in this particular year in
fact. The Beatles had their first live performance; the film adaptation of ‘The
Music Man’ got released; Bob Dylan released his self-titled debut album; Peter,
Paul and Mary’s own self-titled debut album reached #1 on the Billboard 200
albums chart; the world was introduced to the dance craze called the Mashed
Potato (Don’t ask; I don’t know either.); and Italian-American tenor and actor
Sergio Franchi performed for the first time in America at Carnegie Hall. As far
as the pop charts were concerned however, not a whole lot was going on in 1962.
Actually, from
what I’ve heard, this was a problem with a lot of songs from the late ‘50s and
early ‘60s: they just didn’t do anything to stand out. That statement can sadly
be applied to many of the songs on this list, which were so samey-sounding that
half the time I couldn’t tell when one song ended and another began. Even
putting together the worst list for this year proved difficult because I
couldn’t tell half of these songs apart. I wouldn’t even say most of the hits
from this year were boring; the more accurate word I’d use would probably be
“unengaging”. Most of these songs did not engage me; I can’t connect with them.
Even the songs on the best list mainly placed there because they were slightly
less of a depressing slog to sit through than the rest of the songs from this
year.
However, I’ll be
getting to the best list later. For now, let’s take a look at where this
already awful, awful year went at its absolute worst, starting with our
dishonorable mentions:
(Do the New) Continental (The Dovells) [--;
37; 2 weeks]
This year was populated
by countless dance crazes, including the Twist, the Mashed Potato and the
Cha-Cha-Cha. There were a bunch of them out there. In fact, I’m kind of
surprised that this was one of the few of its ilk to even warrant mention on
this list, because by this point these dance crazes had pretty much worn out
their welcome. The Twist was to 1962 what the club dance music fad was to 2010 (and
even in some degree, 2011). The trend was dead, yet studio hacks didn’t seem to
realize they were beating a dead horse. I honestly am not sad that I missed out
on this trend in my short life, and I desperately hope we don’t see it crop up
again.
Seven Day Weekend (Gary U.S. Bonds) [--; 27;
4 weeks]
Here we have Gary
Levone Anderson, also known by his stage name, Gary U.S. Bonds. He wound up
with this name because the record producer of Legrand Records (the record label
he was signed to) chose the stage name U.S. Bonds in the hopes that people
would confuse it for a public service announcement advertising the sale of
government bonds; thus garnering him more radio play. His first name was added
to stave off the confusion caused by people thinking it was the name of a
group. This has got to be one of the stupidest ways an artist has chosen a
stage name that I’ve ever heard. Yeah, because nothing makes you seem more like
a likeable, trustworthy artist than making a stage name that was intended to
lie to your audience!
The guy was 23 at
the time of this song’s release, but considering how the song’s put together,
his horrendous singing voice and the clumsily hacked-together lyrics, I still
feel inclined to classify him as one of the teen idols of the time. By the way,
bad teen idols: yet another trend that was incredibly prominent this year.
Funny Way Of Laughin’ (Burl Ives) [82; 10; 8
weeks]
…This guy’s face
scares me! Seriously, look at the illustration of his face on the cover of the
album this song was from! He looks like he’s going to eat your soul! He looks
like a reject from ‘The Gremlins’!
Oh right, I guess
I should talk about the song also. It sucks. It’s just stupid, thoughtless
fluff that does nothing to present any of the emotional heft it’s apparently
going for. I think the song’s supposed to be how this Burl Ives guy is trying
to pass off his crying about being left by this woman he was with as just him
being happy that she’s gone and demonstrating a “funny way of laughing”. I
don’t think I’m shocking anyone when I say I don’t buy it for a second. Maybe
that’s the idea of the song: that it’s presenting these incredibly phony
statements about how happy he is despite how sad he looks. However, this guy’s
tone, the lyrics he’s choosing, and the mood the music’s going for clearly
present that this song is playing itself completely straight (and boy is he bad
at being convincing about it). Yeah, you go on “laughing” about how much better
things are now that this girl has left you, Burl Ives. I think you’re just
about the only one you’re convincing at this point.
Pepino the Italian Mouse (Lou Monte) [--; 7;
4 weeks]
Ugh…Can we just
universally agree that the annoying chipmunk voice was a terrible, terrible
idea? I can’t think of a single song that used it that played it right in any
way. This song’s gimmick with it seems to be trying to switch back and forth between
English and Italian and, I have to say, this Lou Monte guy sounds just as
obnoxious in Italian as he does in English. He was apparently best known for
selling various Italian-themed novelty songs. Some of these include such hits
as a cover of the popular jazz standard ‘Downtown Strutters Ball,’ ‘Dominick
the Italian Christmas Donkey,’ and ‘Lazy Mary,’ a remake of the Italian song
‘Luna Mezzo Mare’.
Okay, he was of
Italian descent, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t still setting a bad example
for other Italian-Americans. I mean the B-side to this song was ‘What Did
Washington Say (When He Crossed the Delaware)’. That song makes fun of George
Washington’s trip by saying he sold cold pizzas to the Indians, presuming he
was cold, tired, hungry and without a change of underwear on the trip, and that
he insisted that his boatsmen row faster so he could pose for his picture on
the dollar bill that evening. Remember how I said I don’t care for comedy songs
that aren’t funny? In all fairness, this wasn’t the worst example of such to
come from this year. We’ll get to that though; trust me.
Twistin’ Postman (The Marvelettes) [--; 34;
1 week]
Now here’s a shameless
example of pandering if I ever saw one: taking a concept that you already used
in a previous song and trying to tie it in with a popular trend. I’m sure
that’ll go over well. Oh wait, no it didn’t because this song sank like the
Titanic. And listening to it, it’s clear to see why. Anything this song had to
offer, plenty of other songs had already given to people for years. The only
thing this song does to stand out compared to other twist songs is that it has
the postman theme to it, and even then the theme doesn’t tie in with the song
at all. When have you ever considered a postman one to dance while doing their
job? Exactly; never, because that wouldn’t happen. What is the purpose of this
song? Nothing. Next!
(I’m the Girl From) Wolverton Mountain (Jo
Ann Campbell) [--; 38; 3 weeks]
Now here’s an
unimpressive response song to what was already an unimpressive song to begin
with. I am still fairly new to country music (particularly old school country
music), so I don’t really know who any of the most well liked, older country
musicians are. However, if this song and the one it’s responding to are any
indication, Jo Ann Campbell and Claude King are not among them. Basically, the
premise of the original song is that a guy wants to climb a mountain to marry
the woman who lives there despite her overprotective father trying to kill him
if he does so. This song is basically that same premise but told from the
daughter’s perspective.
I don’t mean to be
mean to people with southern drawls or anything by saying this, but I cannot
stand either of these artists’ voices. Both of them sound uncomfortably,
stereotypically southern and neither one of them sound like they can carry a
melody to save their lives. That said, I’d say that Jo Ann Campbell’s version
is worse because, if nothing else, Claude King’s version actually sounded like
he was trying. Jo Ann’s performance just feels especially phoned in, and the
fact that she plays a terribly passive character doesn’t help matters.
I know response
songs tend to suck, but I actually felt like the response songs to Oran “Juice”
Jones’s ‘The Rain’ actually had some punch behind them. There is no passion or
anything behind this mess of a song. If Jo Ann Campbell is so desperate for a
man to come climbing up a mountain and brave the danger of her overprotective
father to marry her, I hope she’s a very patient woman because that man is not
me.
Lovers By Night, Strangers By Day (The
Fleetwoods) [--; 36; 2 weeks]
Wouldn’t be a list
talking about early ‘60s music if doo-wop music didn’t feature on here somewhere,
would it? This song is about how the narrator is cheating on his wife with this
other woman. He doesn’t want to break up with his wife though because she’s
apparently really sensitive. Therefore, he thinks it would be easier if he just
kept meeting this other woman in secret.
This guy sounds
like a total douche bag to me. Just listening to this song makes me want to
punch him right in the teeth. So, rather than telling his wife he wants to
leave her so that he actually can be with the woman he loves, he’s continuing
to go behind her back knowing that she’s a sensitive person and would be really
hurt if she learned about his little affair going on.
You know what? That
goes for the guy’s mistress also! She knows the guy’s already married; yet
she’s continuing to see him anyway! I don’t know if having a lover behind your
lover’s back was just a thing back in the old days, but trying to paint the guy
that would do something like this in a sympathetic light never works, not even
today! I can’t think of any reason I would want to see this guy have things go
the way he wants them to! I hope he and his mistress burn in hell! Screw this!
The Alvin Twist (The Chipmunks with David
Seville) [--; 40; 1 week]
Great, yet another
song that uses the chipmunk voice, and yet another song that tries to take
something that was popular and combine it with a current trend. I was already
not fond of the songs that came out this year that were basically dance craze
cash-grabs, so I have no use for something like this. Say what you will about
‘The Chipmunk Song’; at least that was memorable in some way. This? I can’t
imagine anyone being able to dance to this, let alone feel enthused enough to try!
As far as dance
craze songs go, this one feels terribly flat and lifeless. There isn’t any
point to the chipmunk voice on this song; it’s just kind of there to market it
to fans of Alvin and the Chipmunks. Although, apparently that didn’t work out
all that well for them, because this barely made the top 40 and quickly dropped
off afterwards. I’d say this would be a sign that people were starting to move
away from stupid gimmicks like the chipmunk voice…but then I remember that
there are still songs that use it today, like Dawin’s ‘Dessert,’ or the Black
Eyed Peas’s ‘Rock That Body.’ God, this world…
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do (Neil Sedaka) [15;
1; 12 weeks]
I don’t actually hate
this song anymore. Don’t get the wrong idea; I still don’t think it’s even
remotely good. The lyrics are still unimaginative, the music still clashes with
the tone of the song, and Neil Sedaka still sounds campier than ever. But after
listening through the full list of hit songs from this year, I can safely say
that, among the awful songs from this year, this is probably one of the better
awful songs. Unlike most of the bad songs from this year, this one actually
stuck in my mind without making me want to drill a hole in my brain to remove
it. It’s still crap though, so I had to at least mention it on here somewhere.
Just keep in mind folks, this is as good as this list is going to get. It’s all
downhill from here.
Now that we’ve
gotten that out of the way, get ready to shout, shout, knock yourself out,
because we are counting down…
…THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF
1962!
#10.
Something
I noticed about this year was that there seemed to be three main things that
dominated the pop charts: dance craze cash-grab songs, stupid novelty songs and
teen idols. Now, there’s always been stuff that’s pandered to the teenage
crowd, even back in the old days. Hell, even more recently there’s still stuff
that’s meant to cash in on that specific market. Demographics are demographics
after all, and record companies will go chasing after whatever thing would
offer the widest audience. So of course, since teenagers are already a fairly
wide audience by themselves, they’re going to be a prime target.
I
honestly don’t think everything written by or for teenagers is necessarily bad.
I mean, Taylor Swift has written some decent enough songs in her time, and she
started out fairly young. The Beatles also started out fairly young and even
pandered to young teenage girls when they were starting out, and even in their
early years they helped to change the sound of the times when they finally
crossed over to the US. However, those artists also grew out of just writing
stuff that pandered to the mindsets of teenage girls. When you’re in your
thirties and are still doing that, that’s a serious problem.
#10. Have a Good Time (Sue Thompson) [--;
31; 5 weeks]
Sue
Thompson is an American pop and country singer, best known for her 1961 hits
‘Sad Movies (Make Me Cry)’ and ‘Norman’. These songs ended up being her biggest
hits, since they were the only ones that managed to chart in the top 10. I
admit, her music was never really my thing, but I guess I can kind of
understand what her appeal was, if teenagers back in the ‘60s were turned on by
slow, sappy, romantic ballads. However, she suffered from a very serious
problem, one that I think I’ve mentioned at this point was already pretty
prominent this year: all her music sounded the same.
So,
I guess ‘Have a Good Time’ stands out in that it does kind of vary its subject
matter from what Mrs. Thompson would usually sing about. The thing is she’s
really not the right fit for a song like this. It’s basically about a woman
letting her man go for cheating on her. What it requires is someone with a
little more coyness to her voice. Sue Thompson was just too nice for a song
like this. She was in her thirties at the time she released this song.
Personality wise however, she was a little girl. I do not buy that she would
actually be this collected and in control if she found out her man was cheating
on her. Really, that’s the main reason this song made the list: I don’t believe
Sue Thompson actually would be willing to wait for her man to become “tired of
being reckless and carefree” and then welcome him home afterwards.
Although, while
it’s a minor nitpick, the music to this song feels terribly weak also. This
soft, dull doo-wop music just feels like the wrong choice for a song like this.
This doesn’t feel like she’s confidently putting this guy down and then
gloating that she knows he’ll be back once he’s had his fun; it sounds like
she’s inviting her friends over for a tea party. I don’t know if this was just
what this kind of music was supposed to sound like back in the early ‘60s, but
even if it was, I don’t understand why people would settle for something as
sexless as this. Or at least I wouldn’t if I didn’t know just how dry the rest
of the year was in terms of songs that actually were hot.
In
all fairness, not everything Sue Thompson released was that bad. She did at
least release one song from this year that was actually not too bad. Of course,
‘James (Hold the Ladder Steady)’ demonstrated that Sue Thompson could write
music that sounded like an actual adult wrote it in a way that ‘Have a Good
Time’ just…didn’t. Also, that song has some semblance of energy and fun to it.
‘Have a Good Time,’ meanwhile, sounds like it was written for a funeral. I can
only assume it’s the funeral for this woman’s love for her man, considering how
unconvincing she is about how little she’s bothered by him cheating on her.
Well, I can say this much with certainty, this song did not make me have a good
time. Of course, neither will the rest of this list, so let’s just move on.
#9.
I try not to be
too harsh on songs that are basically just spoken word pieces. There were two
of this kind of song that charted in 1976, but I was generous and passed over
both of them when putting together the worst list. As it happens, one of the
artists that performed one of those songs ended up having a hit this year also.
In fact, he had a bunch of hits this year. Sadly, that doesn’t say good things
about the music that came out this year. Choosing just one song from this
artist to include on the list was a bit of a challenge, but in the end, this
was the one that stood out:
#9. To a Sleeping Beauty (Jimmy Dean) [--;
26; 5 weeks]
Okay, before I say
anything about this song, I just want to make it clear that I have nothing
against a father showing affection for his daughter. If a father loves his
child, that’s perfectly fine. Such children should be happy that they have a
father that is willing to show them that they love them, as opposed to never
being there for them and constantly being caught up in their work and not having
time to spend with them, but I digress. If Jimmy Dean is proud to be a father
and wants to show his daughter how much he loves her, he can go ahead and do
that. Lord almighty though, he really shouldn’t write songs about it.
First of all, I
guess I should start by pointing out that this was not Jimmy Dean’s first big
spoken word piece; that would be the number one hit single he released the previous
year: ‘Big Bad John’. As it happens, to understand where this song fails, we’ll
need to start by comparing it to ‘Big Bad John’. Now, that song wasn’t exactly
a great song, but it at least had structure and a story that it was telling. Specifically
it was telling the story of a mysterious and quiet miner who had earned the
nickname ‘Big John’ because of his height, weight and build. The story speaks
about how he saved about twenty miners from a collapsing mine before perishing
himself as it caved in on him completely. Not exactly a lengthy think piece
about political standing or anything, but it worked for what it was. It was
just a story that seemed inspired by American folklore. It still had structure,
melodies, a rhyme scheme and cohesion.
‘To a Sleeping
Beauty,’ meanwhile has no driving forces behind it, nothing moving it forward.
The lyrics, if you’re feeling generous enough to refer to them as such, don’t
have any rhyme scheme or rhythm to them. If there weren’t background vocals,
this would basically just be a bland monologue about a father trying to tell
his daughter how much he loves her. At least ‘Big Bad John’ actually had some
stakes and a pulse! This is just plain boring! No one wants to hear a grown man
tell the most saccharine, cutesy monologue he can think of to his daughter (who’s
probably embarrassed to hear her father go on about this)! If it weren’t for
the background vocals clearly trying to follow some form of chord progression,
this song wouldn’t have any structure to it whatsoever!
Jimmy Dean had
other hit songs after this one, though none of them were as big as ‘Big Bad
John’. He didn’t see that much success; his last hit song was released in 1976,
fourteen years after the last hit he’d managed prior to that. I guess people
just got tired of this guy’s schtick, and rightly so. You could tell the guy
was desperately shooting for another hit with the way some of his hit songs
from 1962 kept trying to make references to ‘Big Bad John,’ from writing a
direct sequel to the song that missed the point of the original to straight up
lifting the beat and chord progression for at least two different songs and
even trying to shoehorn in a reference to it in another song. Guess it was a
good thing for him that he would go on to found his self-named sausage company
seven years later. If that hadn’t happened, he would have just been another justly
forgotten relic of pop culture (not that that would’ve been a bad thing though).
#8.
Some of the acts
that cropped up this year didn’t really see much continued success by the time
the Beatles crossed over to American shores. A lot of the big new acts of 1961
and 1962 were pretty much gone by 1963. We’re going to be looking at one such
act right now.
#8. Shout (Joey Dee and the Starliters) [58;
6; 9 weeks]
These guys are
Joey Dee and the Starliters. They’re mainly known for one hit single they had
the year before: ‘Peppermint Twist’. That song was inspired by the rise in
popularity of the Twist, a dance craze started by the Chubby Checker song…‘The
Twist’… back in late 1960 and early 1961. Obviously, that trend persisted into
1962, since not only did we get dozens of variations and reworkings of the
Twist that year, we also got several more hit songs out of Chubby Checker that
year. I’m kind of surprised none of those Chubby Checker songs made it on this
list though, because he is probably one of the most one-note dance song
performers of the time. I can’t think of a single song of his that I’ve heard
that didn’t include some elements of the Twist in them somewhere. Okay, okay, I
realize I should be focusing. This isn’t about Chubby Checker; this is about
Joey Dee and the Starliters. So, what is there to be said about Joey Dee and
the Starliters?
No seriously, what
is there to be said about this band? I mean, they wrote a lot of dance songs,
they have a really ridiculous stage name, they had a few hits around this time
before pretty much disappearing and haven’t released any new singles since
around 1970…and I think that’s about it. That’s all there really is to say
about them, because who cares, right? Say what you will about Chubby Checker;
at least he had a distinct sound and a recognizable personality of sorts. Joey
Dee just didn’t have that. In fact, they had such little distinguishing features
they apparently felt that what they needed to do to keep themselves afloat in
the public consciousness was to cover an older song by a better group of
performers.
Yes, by the way,
this song is actually a cover of the song ‘Shout’ by the Isley Brothers.
However, where that song was tight and controlled and had all the elements in
place in all the right moments, Joey Dee’s version just lacks pretty much all
of that. For starters, the group cut out entire segments of lyrics, including
the call-response section near the end of the song. Another problem, the song
just doesn’t sound as tight or controlled as the Isley Brothers’ version, to
the point that the music just kind of sounds like overblown fuzz at points and
the singer’s voice sounds like he’s pushing himself too far to belt out his
lines. I know I’ve said this before, but shouldn’t an artist check to make sure
they can sing a classic song before trying to cover it?
This cover version
is just embarrassing to listen to. I have no idea how it managed to become, not
just a hit, but a top 10 hit. In addition, the rest of Joey Dee and the
Starliters’ discography doesn’t sway my opinion that they were just not an
interesting group. Give Chubby Checker some credit; he might not have had much
to him, but at least his music offered something to the listener! At least the
guy had a personality! Joey Dee and the Starliters had none of that, and their
music just sounds edgeless and dull. They had no elements that would make
anyone want to listen to them over any of the other early ‘60s dance music
artists. They might have only been around for a brief period of time, but I
feel like the fact that I missed out on them is not something I’m going to lose
sleep over. Whatever. Moving on!
#7.
Okay, as I’ve
repeatedly said, these lists are predominantly based around my personal opinion
of various songs or artists. Just because I don’t like something is no excuse
that everyone else can’t like something. And this is especially true when it
comes to songs that were really popular at their time of release. If a song was
popular enough to warrant placement in the top 40, then that means at least
someone out there likes it, right? I guess what I’m trying to say is that, if I
say I don’t like a song, maybe you should take it with a grain of salt. That
said, I feel like there are still some songs that I can’t really understand why
someone would like them. For example:
#7. Big Girls Don’t Cry (The Four Seasons)
[--; 1; 11 weeks]
I’ve talked about
the Four Seasons on a previous list, and ultimately I would conclude that they
were okay. They had some decent songs in them, and I don’t think all of their
work was terrible. However, while they have released good songs, they’ve also
released bad songs. In my opinion, their work from this year would be
considered not really among their best work (despite the amount of popularity
it warranted), but between this song and ‘Sherry,’ their first big hit single,
and their other big hit singles from this year, I’d say this one is the worst.
Before we actually
talk about the song, I guess I should start by talking about how it was
created. Apparently one of the two guys that wrote the song was dozing off
while watching a film, saw a scene where John Payne manhandles Rhonda Fleming
onscreen, and then she responds by saying the line “Big girls don’t cry.” The
reason I say “one of the two guys” is because I’m not sure which of them it
actually was.
According to
Wikipedia, both guys said almost the exact same story behind how the song was
written, only with different films and from one another’s perspectives. Bob
Gaudio claimed he saw this happen in the film ‘Tennessee’s Partner’. Apparently
though, the line is never said in that film, so I guess I should feel more
inclined to believe it was from the film Bob Crewe claimed he heard the line
from: ‘Slightly Scarlet’. Regardless, it feels like a slapdash way for someone
to put a song together. You built your entire song around a line said by a
woman who got hit by a man in a film you were watching while dozing off? There
are less inspired ways to come up with inspiration for a song, but that still
feels pretty sad.
What’s sadder,
however, is the song they actually came up with. Now, I realize this was the
early ‘60s and lyrics weren’t exactly as impressive or thought-provoking as
they would go on to be later on in the decade, but these are still some pretty
lazy lyrics.
(Silly boy) Told my girl we had to break up
(Silly boy) Hoped that she would call my bluff
(Silly boy) When she said to my surprise
“Big girls don’t cry.”
So, you told your
girl you had to break up, but you were bluffing about that? And you were hoping
she would realize you were bluffing about that? That kind of makes the fact
that she was taking you seriously kind of awkward, doesn’t it? So, what did you
do after that? Did you actually let her know you were bluffing? Of course, they
never address this verse ever again, and it plays pretty much no part in the
rest of the song. And then there’s the second verse, which pretty much cancels
out the entire thesis statement of the song:
(Silly
girl) Shame on you, your mama said
(Silly
girl) Shame on you, you’re cryin’ in bed
(Silly
girl) Shame on you, you told a lie
Big
girls do cry
I admit, that
verse doesn’t really bother me as much because they actually do make reference
to it in the final chorus with the line, “That’s just an alibi”. However, the
worst part of the song, as others have pointed out before me and others still
will likely point out afterwards, is front man Frankie Valli himself. Honestly,
this song probably wouldn’t have even made the list if not for him. I have gone
on record as saying I’m not a fan of the man’s falsetto voice, but God is he at
his worst on this song! He always sounds like a shrieking banshee whenever he
squeaks out those notes in his upper register! The rest of the band sounds
fine, but Frankie Valli just drags the whole thing down.
Thankfully,
the band did improve after this year, to the point that they eventually ended
up releasing one of the better songs to come from 1976. All things considered,
I think the band improved over time, and I don’t hold anything against them
really. I just kind of wish they hadn’t gone on to release songs like this when
they were starting out. Of course, this isn’t the worst example of a band
starting out badly. And on that note…
#6.
Now then, fresh
off of badmouthing a song by one particularly popular act that’s considered a
staple of American rock music, I’m now going to be badmouthing a song from yet
another act that’s said to have helped shape modern rock music. I can already
feel people’s desires to kill me from here…
#6. Surfin’ Safari (The Beach Boys) [100;
14; 10 weeks]
Yeah. I just put
the Beach Boys on the worst list. No, I’m not trolling. I just want to make
this clear: I don’t hate the Beach Boys. I admittedly never grew up on any of
their songs as a kid, but I’ve never had anything against them. I recognize
that they were fairly innovative regarding pop music in the ‘60s. And yet, I
can’t find it in me to enjoy any of their material from this time frame. Why is
that?
Well, let’s look
at this song as an example of some of the issues I take with the Beach Boys’
earlier work. Maybe it’s just because they were starting out, or maybe they
just sound this way because that’s what music sounded like around this time,
but I feel like the enthusiasm on this song just sounds lacking. This song
sounds like the band was woken up, dragged out of bed, placed in the studio,
and told to play something while they were still half asleep. I mean, just
listen to the vocals, especially during the harmony segments! Their vocal
performances make them sound like they’re bored, drowsy or stoned!
Really, that’s the
main reason this song made the list at all. If a song wants me to get invested
in it, it needs to convey to me that the performers gave a shit about what they
were performing. This is kind of a deal breaker for me. When the performers on
a song come across as disinterested and uninvested as these guys sound, it
really kills my ability to enjoy a song. I appreciate that the guys would go on
to record other, better songs this decade (including ‘Good Vibrations,’ ‘Sloop
John B’ and ‘In My Room’), but this is still a huge disappointment coming from
the band that would go on to release those songs. This is one safari I take no
interest in going on again.
#5.
Let’s take a
moment to talk about doo-wop music. The genre seems to be kind of divisive in
recent years. For some, it’s viewed as probably the worst thing to come from ‘50s
and ‘60s music since a lot of these songs sound the same. Still though, there
are some positive elements to doo-wop music.
For example, it
helped innovate the music of the ‘30s and ‘40s by introducing a variation in
the chord progression used in most of the hits of the ‘30s; specifically going
for a I-vi-IV-V chord progression in place of the I-vi-ii-V-loop. It was also
one of the most mainstream, pop-oriented R&B styles of its time and was a
precursor to many African-American music styles that we see today. It was
obviously doing something right if it took off so well with the general public.
It would also go on to help influence soul, pop and rock music in the ‘60s. Even
some of the Beach Boys’ songs have some hints of doo-wop inspiration in them.
That said it’s not
like I don’t get why this genre receives so much flack. It may have been
innovative at the time, but looking back on it now, it is terribly dated and
has not aged well. At least the genre as a whole hasn’t aged well anyway. If
you want an example, go back and listen to Meghan Trainor (a more recent artist),
who took heavy inspiration from doo-wop music from the ‘60s. Yeah, I know her
music may have come across as a breath of fresh air to some because it’s wasn’t
trap produced and that’s most of what we were getting when she was first
introduced.
However, just
because it’s something different doesn’t automatically make it good. Her
attempts at incorporating modern hip-hop with the genre also really didn’t work
out all that well since the two genres seriously clash with one another. Now,
some of you might be saying, “Well, Meghan Trainor isn’t a fair example of
doo-wop music; she’s too recent! If you really think doo-wop hasn’t aged well
or isn’t a very good genre, give us an example of a song that actually came out
during the period when it was popular and prove it with that!” Very well;
here’s exhibit B:
#5. Duke Of Earl (Gene Chandler) [13; 1; 11
weeks]
You know, normally
this would be where I talk about the background of the artist whose song I’m
placing on this list. I try to demonstrate some level of understanding of the
acts I research when putting these lists together, if for no other reason than
to try and inform other people of some pop music history. But I legitimately
can’t say I can do that for this particular artist. Someone out there who
actually is familiar with early ‘60s music is going to have to answer this
question: who the fuck is this guy and why should I care?
I know he was a
member of a group called the…Dukays? What kind of group name is that? It sounds
like they wanted to call themselves “the Dukes,” but the name was taken already
so they just came up with some half-assed last-minute change to try and still
use the name but make it different enough that they wouldn’t get in trouble for
it. Didn’t stop this guy from taking the title for himself apparently (though I
sincerely wish he hadn’t).
Anyway, I guess I
should talk about the song. So, what better place to start than with the first
thing that hits you right in the face at the start of the song: it’s incredibly
repetitious and annoying. Seriously, the opening words just club you over the
head with that one phrase over and over until you start bleeding out of your
ears. What does that even mean, anyway? “Duke of Earl?” Does that mean there’s
a King of Earl? A Queen of Earl? A Jack of Earl? Does it matter? And there’s no
explanation as to what the title is even supposed to mean! It’s just thrown
around like it’s important and shit with no explanation about why it’s important!
See, this is why I
can’t get into doo-wop music: it uses words, or even just syllables in some
cases, without any use for them other than to take up space. Good music uses
specific lyrics in a very concise manner to achieve the exact effect the lyricist
is trying to achieve. Doo-wop music just clubs you over the head with a phrase
or two, or even just nonsense syllables, over and over with the hope that
you’ll eventually understand it without needing it to be explained.
I say this as
someone that admits that I like some songs that take influence from doo-wop. I
actually liked quite a few of the Beach Boys songs I heard when going through
their discography, and plenty of the ones I liked were clearly influenced by
doo-wop music. Here’s the thing though: those songs were careful about how they
utilized the words they were using, and made them actually fit in with the
theme of the song. This song doesn’t.
Of course, that
leaves the other big problem with this song: Gene Chandler himself. Simply put,
I cannot stand this man’s voice! The guy sounds like a squeaking chair! This is
especially apparent on the chorus, where he squeaks out the high notes like a
dying mouse with a sore throat! Shouldn’t the title “Duke of Earl” suggest that
the one bearing it would have a sense of regality and nobility to him? This
Gene Chandler guy exudes neither of these qualities in his singing voice,
especially on songs where he’s playing the Duke of Earl!
I just feel
depressed to think a song like this was what was making it all the way to #1
this year. I just don’t get what it is that drew people to this song, let alone
Gene Chandler himself. Even on his songs where his voice actually is more
tolerable, there were absolutely no qualities to him that would make him stand
out from any other R&B guys from the time.
Fortunately, the
guy improved once he transitioned into the ‘70s. But even then there were still
lots of other artists of his kind that were also out at the same time, and he
still didn’t really do anything to make himself stand out. By the ‘80s he just
became boring though, so we really didn’t need him around anymore after that.
I’m guessing there aren’t a lot of people sad to see Mr. Chandler relinquish
his dukedom (though I can’t see how that would be much comfort to those that
had to suffer through this).
#4.
Now, we’re all
familiar with novelty songs, right? For those who aren’t, they’re songs that
incorporate some kind of comedic or nonsensical element to create a comedic
effect. Songs that are funny or have funny elements to them aren’t necessarily
novelty songs though. ‘Disco Duck’, for example, was a fluke novelty hit back
in 1976, but something like ‘Back In Time’ by Pitbull wouldn’t count as a
novelty song despite it being freaking hilarious in its own horribleness.
Anyway, I bring
this up because the late ‘50s and early ‘60s were pretty much dominated by
novelty songs. You had things like Ross Bagdasarian Sr.’s ‘Witch Doctor,’ Sheb
Wooley’s ‘The Purple People Eater,’ Brian Hyland’s ‘Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie
Yellow Polka Dot Bikini,’ yet another Ross Bagdasarian Sr. song with ‘The
Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late)’. I guess it’s also worth noting that,
for the most part, the novelty songs that came out around this time were also
terrible. Seriously, a lot of them have not aged gracefully. Anyway, there were
quite a few novelty songs that came out this year, so I guess it only makes
sense that at least one of them would be making an appearance on this list.
#4. She Can’t Find Her Keys (Paul Petersen) [--;
19; 7 weeks]
See, from my
understanding novelty songs are supposed to be funny. Just as an example, you’ve
got acts like Weird Al, Jonathan Coulton and They Might Be Giants, all of whom
are able to come up with hilarious comedic songs seemingly effortlessly. Okay,
it’s clear effort went into their work, but comedy seems to come across as
second nature to these acts. In contrast, I think I can safely say that teen
idol Paul Petersen does not fall into the same category as these acts in terms
of comedic genius. Why is that though?
Let’s look at this
song just as an example of his work. This song is about how Paul Petersen has
finished a date with a young woman and has taken her home and is waiting for a
kiss goodnight. However, things start to drag out when she asks for a moment to
look through her bag and find her keys, pulling out various random objects and
having no luck in her search.
What kind of
objects you ask? It starts out normal enough, with things like lipstick, powder
and bobby pins. As the song progresses though, it starts getting to things like
Presley records, a tennis racket, a piano bench, a monkey wrench, a fire
hydrant…you know, basically just stuff that someone wouldn’t and shouldn’t be
able to carry around in their purse. The guy eventually gives up and leaves the
poor girl there on her doorstep, presumably to look for her keys by herself (either
in the freezing cold or the sweltering heat depending on the weather). Then
they have another date because this idiot didn’t learn his lesson the first
time, and the whole thing repeats all over again.
As far as comedy
goes, you certainly could do a whole lot worse, but this is still not great. Does
this girl normally carry things like watermelons and a TV set in her bag on a
regular basis? I guess the joke is supposed to be that she shouldn’t be able to
carry all those things on her regularly and what the hell is any of that stuff
even doing in her bag? Still though, I feel like this might’ve been a bit
funnier if it were a visual gag rather than a gag described in a song. Some
jokes just don’t translate well into songs, and I feel like this is one example
of such. All we’re getting here is a grocery list of all the things this girl’s
pulling out of her bag.
Something I’ve
heard one critic say is that all comedy is born from some form of misery. I
feel like there might be some truth to that, at least in the case with this
particular joke. If we could actually see the girl pulling things out of her
bag and seeing, or at least hearing about the disappointment and frustration
going on with the narrator in this situation outside of a single throwaway
line, then there might be some humor to be found in this premise. Just hearing
about the various random things the girl is pulling out of her bag by itself
isn’t funny; it’s just stupid.
Paul Petersen
didn’t bother sticking with the comedic schtick and ended up becoming just another
disposable teen idol. I don’t see what we needed this guy around for after
that. In fact, I’m not sure what we needed him for prior to that either. I’m
just not sure why this guy was a thing.
In all fairness,
I’m guessing people consider him talented, since he’s not only done music, but
acting and writing also. On top of that, he’s been active in improving
conditions for child actors, such as founding a child-actor support group
called ‘A Minor Consideration,’ which works to improve working conditions for
child actors and assisting with their transition into adult life. So I don’t
want to give the impression that I think he’s a terrible person; just a
terrible comedian and a not-particularly-interesting musician.
#3.
Pat Boone.
Do I even need to
go into detail? Can’t I just wrap this entry up there and move on? No? Okay,
I’ll try to elaborate then. Pat Boone is regarded as one of the whitest artists
of all time. He was to the ‘50s what Donny Osmond would go on to be for the
‘70s. In fact, he and Donny had something else in common also: both of them
were basically meant to be safer, more scrubbed clean versions of better artists.
For Donny Osmond, that artist was Michael Jackson, and for Pat Boone that
artist was none other than the King himself, Elvis Presley. By the way, if you
know anything about either of these artists, you likely know that comparing the
two is like comparing ‘Steven Universe’ to ‘Caillou’.
However, Pat Boone
was actually fairly successful this year, spawning three top 40 singles. Since
only one of them was an actual hit, I’m choosing that one as a representation
of his work from this year as a whole.
#3. Speedy Gonzales (Pat Boone) [45; 6; 10
weeks]
I’ve been dreading
getting to this entry. Pretty much everyone I’ve spoken to or everything I’ve
read or heard about Pat Boone has said he’s terrible. To which I have to say…yeah,
he’s bad; very, very bad. The guy is blander than white bread toast covered in
store brand mayonnaise. But this particular song may very well be among his
worst. I realize it’s kind of odd that I should say that about this song,
considering most of his other songs are him shitting all over the work of black
artists and this song was originally written by a white guy. Say what you will
about his other songs though; at least the argument could be made that the
songs in question were trying to be respectful to the source material. This song
is just inherently awful, and in his attempts at being true to it, he just made
it worse.
Anyway, let’s look
at the song itself. What’s it about? Well, it’s presumably about Speedy
Gonzales, the fictional Looney Tunes mouse. I’m not going to pretend the
character was some pinnacle of Mexican representation, because let’s be honest:
the guy was still kind of questionable at best. In later years Speedy Gonzales
would go on to be seen as a popular cultural icon by Latin Americans, but was
he really so popular that there needed to be a song written about him? Even if
you could argue that such could be the case, why would you want a song like
this? Furthermore, why would people be in such demand for the version done by
Pat Boone, world’s whitest of white guys? He was already ruining black music!
Did he have to ruin Mexican cultural icons too?
Even taking into
account the popularity of the character among Latin Americans, this song still
reeks of incredibly questionable depictions of Mexicans. Seriously, the lines
spoken by Mel Blanc (No really, they actually got Mel fucking Blanc to do voice
work on this piece of shit!) just make me feel uncomfortable, almost like
watching shows depicting white actors in black face. If I only had this song to
go off of, I’d assume the only understanding Pat Boone had of Mexican culture
was tortillas, chilli peppers and tequila. Oh yeah, also poor living conditions
and sleeping around with lots of women. That does not demonstrate a great deal
of worldliness on your part, Boone.
The one positive
thing I can say about this song is that it was Pat Boone’s last top 10 single,
and he hasn’t seen much further success outside of a single song of his
released in 1984 peaking at #40 on Billboard. Still though, I feel like this is
an insult to the character it’s named after. If Warner Brothers wanted someone
to perform a song based on one of their characters, why did it have to be this
guy? Granted, considering the last song I heard that took inspiration from
Looney Tunes characters, I can’t say I’d imagine anyone being able to pull
something like that off and do so well. Whatever. I’m just glad that Pat Boone
stayed buried in the bygone era of the ‘50s and early ‘60s where he belongs.
Oh wait, he
released an album of covers of rock and metal songs back in 1997.
…FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUU—!
#2.
Oh hey! This guy
again! Wonderful.
#2. Ahab the Arab (Ray Stevens) [61; 5; 9
weeks]
Honestly, I’m kind
of surprised this didn’t make the #1 spot. We’ll be getting to why it didn’t in
a bit, but for now, I just want to further emphasize how funny I DON’T find Ray
Stevens. I honestly cannot understand what humor people saw in this guy. I feel
like I’ve developed kind of an allergic reaction to stupid humor, and honestly
Ray Stevens’s sense of humor may be among the most brainless of all. Now, let
me be clear: I define “stupid humor” as humor that requires you to either turn
your brain off to find funny or just never use your brain at all to find funny.
Slapstick doesn’t count because slapstick can be a form of comedic art. The
characters’ responses to the pain being inflicted are what make it funny, not
merely the fact that someone is hitting someone else. Ray Stevens, however,
seems to think that obnoxious vocal noises and silly voices by themselves are
enough to get a laugh out of people. They can be…if you’re five or younger. For
the rest of us, they’re just humorless, obnoxious and superfluous.
Anyway, I really
should be talking about this song, shouldn’t I? Dear God, where do I even
begin? I’m not even sure what’s more depressing about this song. Is it the
horrible way in which the Arabic characters are portrayed? I mean, the titular
character’s speaking of his native language is depicted as pretty much
gibberish and the “translations” provided afterward don’t make them any better.
Also, the depiction of the female love interest has her engaging in
stereotypical Western behavior (which seems incredibly out of place for someone
from Saudi Arabia).
Or maybe it’s the
kitschy faux-Arabian music they use for this song? Seriously, this music just
sounds tacky and cheap! If you’re going to do a song depicting Arabic
stereotypes, at the very least use actual Arabic instruments! Might as well go
all the way with this shit! Or maybe it’s Ray Stevens’s horrifically stiff,
nasal vocal performance? Seriously, the guy sounds like he inhaled a bar of
soap. The vocals just grate on my nerves at all the points I don’t want them
to. Or maybe it’s Ray Stevens’s increasingly uninspired attempts at humor all
throughout the song? Speaking of uninspired, don’t even get me started on the
music video, which is about as dumb as the song is, which I guess makes it a
perfect fit for it.
This song was
actually one of the biggest hits in Stevens’s career, peaking in the top ten.
It was his biggest hit song until ‘Everything Is Beautiful’ peaked at #1 eight
years later. To that I must say I cannot for the life of me understand why.
It’s yet another annoying novelty song that tries way too hard at the joke it’s
going for, and is performed by a guy that wouldn’t know how to make a decent
comedic performance if it slapped him across the face! Just shut up, Ray
Stevens; no one wants to listen to you! Just shut up and go away!
#1.
Now, I’m sure many
of you are wondering, “If he hates ‘Ahab the Arab’ so much, and Ray Stevens
pisses him off to this degree, what could possibly be worse? How can you top a
song that’s borderline offensive and tries to be funny despite having no real
jokes in it?” Well my friends, before we go into detail about that, I’ll need
to describe yet another style of song that this next entry falls squarely into:
the teenage tragedy song.
The teenage
tragedy song is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. It’s a sad song about
a teenager or teenagers dying, generally either told from the perspective of
the dead person’s sweetheart, the dead or dying person in question or a third
party that serves as a witness to the events in the song. I myself am not a
huge fan of this particular type of song, but I can kind of understand what
people saw in these kinds of stories. Some people just like listening to sad
songs and crying over them. (In that sense, I guess there might have been some
truth to that Billy Ocean song I put on my worst of ’86 list.) Regardless, this
type of song was really popular in the late ‘50s and early ‘60s, and I can kind
of understand the appeal.
I bring all of
this up because this next song would be classified as this particular style of
song. Unfortunately, it’s also probably one of the worst examples of its genre.
#1. Patches (Dickey Lee) [74; 6; 11 weeks]
While my earlier
stated distaste for doo-wop music might not be a good example of this, I really
do try not to be too critical of genres of music I’m not familiar with or don’t
particularly care for. Despite that, I honestly cannot understand what drew
people to this particular song. When I first heard it, I was in shock, not
because I was surprised by how good it was, which it is demonstrably not. When
I say I was in shock, it was more the shock of horror, of a disturbing
realization, like a character from a Lovecraft story catching a faint glimpse of
one of the eldritch gods and it drives him beyond the point of madness. I’ve
covered bad songs, I’ve covered lazy songs, I’ve covered stupid songs, but this
just goes so far beyond all that it honestly kind of scares me.
Right then, enough
putting this off; time to delve into the song itself. First off, let’s talk
about the music to this song. Now, for something as heavy as death being covered
in a song like this, you’d naturally want to go for something that evokes
sadness, something that just serves as an emotional gut punch to the listener.
‘Patches,’ meanwhile, seems to opt for something less emotionally riveting and
more…well, boring. The music to this song doesn’t make me want to cry; it makes
me want to fall asleep. Not really helping matters is the rather jaunty tone
this Dickey Lee guy brings to the song. Seriously, does this subject matter
match up at all with that vocal performance? The guy sounds like he’s having a
ball of a time telling this hilarious story…about how a teenager died.
Now, if these were
the only problems I had with this song, I would probably feel less hate for it
and merely dismiss it and not care about it. Whatever, it’s just a product of
its time and you can’t really fault it for that, right? Well, now we have to
get to the real root of the problem: the story itself. So, it’s basically about
a guy that loves a girl from a poorer part of town. As a result his parents
forbid him from pursuing a relationship with her. So, what does he do? He goes
along with what his parents say and skips out on a date with the girl despite
the fact that he claims to love her! Yeah, because that’s really how a teenager
would behave in that situation! Rebellious attitudes? Pfft! Teenagers don’t
have those; they always do what their parents say like mindless little drones! This
entire thing just comes across as such a non-conflict that the writing has to
force the character to go along with it for it to actually have impact.
Anyway, the next
day the guy finds out that the girl committed suicide because she thought he
didn’t love her anymore. What’s the solution he decides to come up with when he
learns about this?
Patches, oh what can I do
I swear I’ll always love you
It may not be right
But I’ll join you tonight
Patches I’m coming to you
Holy shit, dude.
In case it isn’t clear, this final segment of the song was what put it on the
list. Say what you will about other teenage tragedy songs; at least they were
trying to present decent messages like warning against drug use or describe
actually tragic things like dying in an automobile accident, but this? I can’t
be the only one seeing the issue here, can I? Maybe I should elaborate: what I
get from this is that the narrator is fantasizing about killing himself to be
reunited with his love that also killed herself. I’ve covered some stupid
lyrical choices in these reviews in the past, but I can’t believe that someone
would write a teenage tragedy song that’s meant to glorify the act of suicide!
That’s not tragic, that’s not tear-jerking; that’s just horrifying!
It is rare that
you come across a song with such a terrible message as this one. And to think a
song like this placed in the top ten! What does that say about our society back
in the early ‘60s? Did we just hate teenagers and want them to kill themselves?
Were the parents back in those days just sadistic bastards? What was wrong with
you, people of the ‘60s!? I just can’t believe a song like this one could even
exist! This goes beyond insulting or condescending; this is just thoughtless
and horrible! ‘Patches’ by Dickey Lee: the most horrifying and worst hit song
of 1962.
Seriously though,
what the hell were people thinking back then?
