Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2005

…2005…

…Yeah, there’s a reason this is regarded as one of the worst years in pop music history. In fact, there are a number of reasons this is regarded as one of the worst years in pop music history, and almost none of them are groundless. Whatever negative elements may have been lurking under the surface in music in the 2000s up until this point came right to the surface this year, with multiple songs regarded as some of the worst in their genre either being released this year or becoming hits this year. When I talked about how bad the music was from 2001, I’m guessing most of the worst songs I ended up covering on that list were things people probably didn’t remember or think too much about since they disappeared from the charts. People remember the crap from this year though, and yes, we’re going to be going through quite a bit of it now.

To be perfectly honest, I was actually really hoping to get to this year at some point. After having heard from others how terrible the music from this year was, I had a feeling that it would give me plenty of material to work with. I realize others have covered this year before me, so I’ll likely need to make sure I don’t just mime what has already been said about certain songs that people will undoubtedly recognize. Still, while most of the worst hits from this year were things people would likely already be familiar with, and already recognize why they suck, there were still a few surprises here and there that I’m kind of shocked haven’t reached the same level of infamy.

But enough chattering for now; I’m sure you’re all waiting for me to tear into these stinkers and expose them for the mindless crap they are. And my friends, don’t fret; I shall, starting with our dishonorable mentions:

Candy Shop (50 Cent ft. Olivia) [8; 1; 20 weeks]

Wow, we really have stumbled into the candy shop, haven’t we? And by ‘candy,’ I am, of course, referring to the various elements in this song that make it not work. A rapper who thinks it’s the hot new thing to sound bored while he’s rapping? Check. Production that’s completely devoid of fun despite the fact that it’s supposed to be a party track? Check. Using candy as a metaphor for sex? Check. The main reason this didn’t place on the list is because it’s just too generic. It’s definitely bad, but not bad to the point that it’s worth talking about at length. It’s just a nothing of a song that doesn’t justify its own existence. Next!

There It Go! (The Whistle Song) (Juelz Santana) [--; 10; 9 weeks]

Ugh. And I was annoyed by that Flo Rida song that tried and failed to make whistling seem sexy. Here’s a song that tries to use whistling as the backbone of its melody, and failing at it miserably. And it’s not like this Juelz Santana guy does anything to make up for that particularly fatal shortcoming. Ultimately though, it’s just not memorable enough to be even worth hating, let alone putting on the list.

B.Y.O.B. (System of a Down) [--; 27; 2 weeks]

Yes! Yes, that’s right, I just listed System of a Down’s only hit song to date as a dishonorable mention on the worst list! Why? Because it sounds like audio fecal matter, that’s why! I don’t have anything against metal, but holy crap does this just sound terrible. The guitar work’s monotonous and uninteresting, the lyrics sound like they wouldn’t have made it past an editing desk, and probably most importantly of all, Daron Malakian can’t sing, at least not on this song he can’t. God, am I glad that symphonic metal came along and washed garbage like this down the urinal.

Wake Up (Hilary Duff) [--; 29; 2 weeks]

Fun fact: this was Hilary Duff’s highest charting hit single at the time. And as of writing this review, it’s also her second highest charting single to date. And wow, does this song sound like it needed a few more rewrites. The vocals sound like Hilary didn’t warm up her vocals at all, as they’re terribly off key, especially during the chorus. Maybe if the lyrics had been better, that might have saved the song from mediocrity, but they flip between being redundant and unimaginative. The music’s passable enough, and I could imagine people dancing to this, if they were drunk enough to disregard everything else, but ultimately, I feel like this song is just a complete train wreck. Then again, I guess it was too much to expect anything deep or meaningful to come from Miss ‘If the Light Is Off Then It Isn’t On.’

Badd (The Ying Yang Twins ft. Mike Jones & Mr. Collipark) [--; 29; 7 weeks]

Yeah, expect to be seeing a lot of bad hip hop on this list. 2005 was not kind to hip hop and rap music. There’s a whole lot of stupid that needs to be waded through before you find anything of quality. Take this, for example. Pretty much the entire reason this song was considered for the list was because of one really stupid Looney Tunes quote that the artists apparently thought was such a zinger they decided to repeat it. Though, considering they take up most of their lyrics with lines objectifying women and talking about this one that apparently smokes weed and does ecstasy, and glorifying her for it, I guess I shouldn’t have really expected any kind of high-brow think pieces from the likes of these guys.

Goin’ Crazy (Natalie) [70; 13; 12 weeks]

I don’t really have much to say about this one. The singer sounds a special kind of bored, almost like she doesn’t care, the music legitimately is boring and the lyrics do nothing to convey that the singer put any effort into them. Was this seriously a thing back in the day? Was it really a big thing for artists to sound bored on their songs? I really hope we don’t see more artists doing this in the future.

Laffy Taffy (D4L) [--; 2; 10 weeks]

Well, I guess I’ll need to give these guys some credit; they took the ‘sex is candy’ metaphor and actually did stuff with it. That doesn’t make the song good by any stretch, but it at least shows that they put some semblance of effort into writing it. If only the same could be said of their performances, where their flow is so bad that half the time they sound like they’re whining. It reminds me of a little kid whining to his mom to buy candy for him in a candy store. So in that regard, I guess this song captures the idea of a candy shop better than the song actually called ‘Candy Shop’ did at least. Well, there goes any chance of me wanting to have candy anytime soon.

Errtime (Nelly ft. Jung Tru & King Jacob) [--; 24; 3 weeks]

Ah yes, rap songs that seem to think it’s cool to talk down to their audience. That’s not old or cliché as hell at this point. I really wish rappers would remember that the journey to becoming famous is a lot more interesting than the fame itself and, you know, that modern rap music wasn’t populated by guys that have no talent or charisma. Whatever. Next!

More Than Words (Frankie J) [--; 25; 6 weeks]

…Someone did a cover of ‘More Than Words’ this year.

…Someone did a cover of ‘More Than Words’ this year!

…The only reason this song didn’t make the list proper is because, if I had included it, the entire entry would just be me repeating that line over and over again, with each repetition growing steadily more infuriated. Not to mention there really isn’t much more that I can say about the song that I didn’t already say back on my ‘worst of ‘91’ list. The only difference this song has is that it cuts out the second iteration of the chorus, which doesn’t really change the song at all; it’s still pretty much the same song, just with a more 2000s-y pop sound. Yeah, that totally justifies remaking what was already an awful song, doesn’t it?

And with that, we’re going down, down in an earlier round, and sugar, we’re going down swinging. We’re counting down…

…THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF 2005!

            #10.

            I admit, I’ve never really gotten the hate everyone seems to have for Nickelback. Yeah, they’re not exactly the prettiest sounding band. Yeah, Chad Kroeger’s vocals can definitely grate on my ears at times. Yeah, their music tended to all be very samey-sounding, but I don’t feel like these things alone were really enough to justify me fully hating them. I guess part of it comes from the fact that, when I was growing up as a kid, my younger sister would always listen to them, and play it so that everyone in the house could hear it, so I grew accustomed to hearing it. That might have caused me to develop something of a tolerance for their music back in the day that I still have to some degree even now.

            But then a friend of mine played me the song ‘Something In Your Mouth’ off of their Dark Horse album, and I got it. Boy, did I get it.

#10. Photograph (Nickelback) [43; 2; 14 weeks]

            See, there are many things I can live with. I can live with a band that is incredibly one note and makes music that all sounds exactly the same. I can live with an artist having really grating vocals that sound like he’s rubbing his voice against a sheet of sandpaper. I can even live with an artist copying the formulas of other artists just for the sake of getting people to buy their album only for them to shelf it and never pull it out to listen to all the way through ever again. That doesn’t necessarily mean I like any of those things I just listed, but I can deal with them because I’ve become cynical and don’t really care that much about those things.

            However, I do still need to draw the line somewhere. And there is one big way in which ‘Photograph’ by Nickelback fails at what it’s trying to accomplish, and really this is the same problem prevalent in pretty much every Nickelback song: Nickelback try to tell a story, but they don’t put forth the effort to make the audience care about the story they’re trying to tell. Let’s ignore for the moment that, if I’m listening to this song on the radio, Chad Kroeger’s descriptions of the photographs he’s trying to present can’t convey anything to me. If Nickelback don’t care about the story they’re presenting, then why should I, the listener they’re trying to tell the story to, care about it?

            “Now hang on a moment,” some of you…like, I don’t know, maybe the handful of Nickelback fans out there are probably arguing right now, “What makes you say that Nickelback don’t care about their own story? They’re putting forth enough effort that they’re trying to be descriptive of what they’re trying to show you, aren’t they? They’re trying to create imagery of what they’re trying to show to you through their choice of lyrics. That should mean they care, shouldn’t it?” Here’s the thing though: their lyrical choices for this song aren’t very good. Not a single lyric in this song sounds like something someone would say in casual conversation. Even the first four lines sound like something being said by someone trying and failing at imitating real life rather than something someone would actually say in real life:

Look at this photograph

Every time I do it makes me laugh

How’d our eyes get so red?

And what the hell is on Joey’s head?

Again, ignore the fact that, since this is a song being played on the radio without any visual cues whatsoever, we can’t see the photograph Chad is trying to show us. First of all who says ‘Look at this photograph’ when trying to show someone a picture? And who wonders why their eyes are red in a photograph? Pretty much everyone knows that happens when a camera flashes as it’s taking a picture. And even if we could see the photograph, how would we know what the hell is on Joey’s head? I’m assuming you were present, considering you said ‘our’ in the previous line, so wouldn’t you know that better than us, Chad? 

            It’s songs like this that are the reason people don’t, and have never taken Nickelback seriously as a band except to talk about how they reflect everything wrong with rock music today. Admittedly, I’m still not sure if I entirely believe that to be true, but I believe it a little more after having heard this. The sad part is that, regardless of what other people have said about this, it’s still not the worst song they’ve released. The band that writes up songs depicting the narrator as a creeping, obsessive stalker and tries to pass them off as romantic love songs is capable of much worse, I assure you. Here’s a photograph I think that, as a society, we collectively need to tear to pieces, douse in lighter fluid and burn in the backyard so we never have to look back on it ever again.

#9.

I talked about a number of crappy cover songs when I discussed the worst hit songs of 1969. I stand by my decision to place those songs on that list. However, I will state that at no point did I ever feel like any of the shitty covers being performed were necessarily bad because of the artists performing them, not entirely anyway. On the one hand, ‘You Showed Me’ and ‘Worst That Could Happen’ were just covers of songs that were already fairly bad to begin with. No one could have salvaged those songs. On the other hand, things like Aretha Franklin’s version of ‘Eleanor Rigby’ and Wilson Pickett’s version of ‘Hey Jude’ were bad more because the artists were trying to cover songs that were outside of their wheelhouses. The artists themselves weren’t bad by any means; they were just not the right choices for those songs.

However, this cover song I pin entirely on the artist in question. While I would be willing to hear defenses for the artists I listed back then as not being as bad as those covers would imply, this next artist is most certainly bad for all the reasons made clear in this cover.

#9. These Boots Are Made For Walkin’ (Jessica Simpson) [--; 14; 5 weeks]

On September 28, 1999, Jessica Simpson released her debut single, ‘I Wanna Love You Forever,’ which ended up being a top 10 hit single. And honestly, I can kind of understand why it was as big as it was. The song played to her strengths well, and she didn’t seem like she was trying too hard. Furthermore, it stood out compared to Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera’s music because rather than singing about wanting sex, it was a song about love, something a bit more long lasting and real. All things considered, it was a reasonable enough song. However, none of her other singles off of that album were as successful, so her handlers decided to drop all pretense of her being an interesting artist in her own right and just have her copy the formulas of the other blond pop princesses. By the time of the release of her first single off of her second album, ‘Irresistible,’ whatever positive qualities she possessed were quickly tossed by the wayside in favor of her trying to copy the styles of Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. And once that was done, there really wasn’t anything new or unique anymore that Jessica Simpson had to offer to the table, so I have no idea how she managed to have several more chart successes after that, though none of them nearly as big as ‘I Wanna Love You Forever’ was.

To be fair, I will say that all this does give this song one thing going for it: it is stylistically different from anything Jessica Simpson had released up until that point. However, that isn’t nearly enough to save it. The song tries way too hard to present a country-themed atmosphere, Jessica’s vocals are breathier than ever, and she completely changed the lyrics to make it a lot more explicit than the original suggested. Simpson’s version even includes an embarrassing spoken word bridge near the end of the song that makes me cringe every time I hear it, and is performed twice. It’s something I wouldn’t even expect country music fans to enjoy. Oh, and I should also mention that Jessica Simpson cannot hold a candle to Nancy Sinatra, the artist that originally performed this song. Where the original was empowering and confident, this version is trying way too hard to be sexy but mostly just leaves me feeling depressed. It’s like the distaff counterpart to bro country, and I mean that in all the worst ways.

I guess it only makes sense that this would be around the time that Jessica Simpson’s music career would fail to see much further success after this point. She managed one more hit after this, but after that whatever momentum she might have had up to that point came to a screeching halt. Kind of wish it would’ve happened before she had the chance to inflict this upon the world, but whatever. Sadly though, she has yet to give up on music, and announced that she was working on her eighth studio album back in March of 2015. Let’s hope she sees about as much chart success with that as she’s seen recently. No, Jessica Simpson, I won’t give you a handclap. Nor will I give you a ‘Suey!’ or a ‘Yee-haw!’ However, I would be more than happy to give you a nice, gigantic thumbs down and a rousing chorus of ‘Boo’s.

#8.

Up until around 2004, Green Day didn’t manage to actually place any songs on the Billboard Hot 100. Oh, they still had plenty of success, don’t get me wrong, but while they had a lot of songs chart on the US Alternative charts, they just couldn’t seem to get any crossover successes throughout the ‘90s, or even the early 2000s. However, with 2004 and 2005, they finally managed, not one, not two, but three top 20 hit singles on the Hot 100 with their American Idiot album, making it the most successful album of their careers, seven studio albums into their tenure. Now, I was big into the singles off of that album at the time, as were some of my older sister’s friends, who ended up being the closest I had to my own friends around this time. We listened to the singles off of this album fairly frequently, not just on the radio, but because one of my friends had their American Idiot album and would listen to it constantly, along with Seether and a compilation of various DDR songs. My older sister’s friends had some eclectic tastes back then.

Anyway, back to the subject of Green Day, I can definitely remember being pretty fond of the songs I heard off of American Idiot: the title track, ‘Holiday,’ ‘Wake Me Up When September Ends.’ I guess I could consider myself a fan of Green Day at the time, or at least of the music of theirs I was getting exposed to. But that’s the thing about nostalgia: you look back on the things you remembered fondly years later and realize only after the fact that the things you used to like don’t hold up nearly as well as you remember.

#8. Boulevard of Broken Dreams (Green Day) [7; 2; 29 weeks]

Let me reiterate: I used to like this band! Hell, I used to like this song! Unfortunately, that just says some really depressing things about what my musical tastes were like back when I was at the end of middle school and the beginning of high school. In addition to Simon and Garfunkel, They Might Be Giants and Coldplay, I was also jamming to probably one of the most unjustifiably emo songs I can recall in recent memory. I actually wanted to learn how to play this song on the guitar at one point. Granted, I didn’t end up sticking with the guitar long enough to actually learn to play the thing, so I guess I can at least take comfort in the fact that I didn’t end up becoming that guy at parties that tries to impress people with my awful guitar playing. You know the kind of guy I’m talking about.

Now, I’ll be fair here: just because a song is ‘emo,’ that by itself doesn’t automatically make it bad. Often times, however, it does tend to be a recurring theme in songs that are bad, particularly those from the 2000s. Nickelback and Simple Plan, for example, are perfect showcases of how emo music is done wrong. And unfortunately, I can’t think of a better comparison for this song; it takes the worst elements of both Nickelback and Simple Plan and combines them, giving us an ugly, sludgy song that has all the emotional tension of a teenager whining about how much his life sucks because he can’t have his way. Seriously, listening to the lyrics to this sound like they’re coming from someone trying desperately to sound edgy and hip even though he’s the lamest kid in his class. I guess they’re trying to resemble someone going through depression, but even if they are, the emotions being conveyed here don’t come across as depressed or struggling with functioning in every day life; they just sound whiny.

I recognize that there are people out there that aren’t really big fans of Green Day, and going through their discography, I can kind of understand why: they make themselves really easy to dislike. Their subject matters tend to be pandering to some of the most obnoxious qualities of the teenage crowd, their music tends to be either sludgy or lazy, with ‘Basket Case’ being referred to by at least two different groups as being one of the quintessential ‘Four Chords of Pop’ songs, and Billie Joe Armstrong’s vocals are always nasal to the point that he sounds like he has a stuffy nose and has to breathe through his mouth. In some instances, his vocals make it sound like he’s singing complete gibberish! That said, I don’t think all of their material is bad necessarily; they are capable of making at least interesting songs. In fact, ‘Holiday,’ the song they released as a single right after this one, is a much more compelling song that actually feels like it has something meaningful to say and, you know, the song doesn’t sound like ass. This, on the other hand, just feels juvenile and whiny, and I just can’t get behind it. This is one boulevard I would personally choose to avoid travelling down again.

#7.

I think it’s kind of funny that, despite how many of these lists I’ve released, I’ve yet to talk about one of the most despised genres known in the modern era: the ‘white guy with acoustic guitar’ song genre. For those not in the know, this is basically exactly what it sounds like: a song played by a white guy where the instrumentation is basically just an acoustic guitar and little else. Some examples of artists that really fall back on this genre are the likes of John Mayer and, since around 2008, Jason Mraz. Part of the reason most people seem to hate the genre is that it tends to lend itself to some of the broiest people in music, the guys that just come across as college frat bro douche bags. Others hate it just because it’s seen as the most rudimentary style of music; if someone has a song but doesn’t have any ideas for how to play it, this is the genre they’d fall back on. I actually have another reason for disliking the genre: the worst in the genre tend to try and pass themselves off as infuriatingly pretentious without justification for it. This is just part of the reason why I hate the song ‘More Than Words’ by Extreme to the degree I hate it.

So I guess it should come as no surprise to anyone that one of the songs from this genre made it on this list.

#7. True (Ryan Cabrera) [90; 18; 11 weeks]

It was kind of a toss up between this song and ‘Daughters’ by John Mayer for this spot. Ultimately though, while ‘Daughters’ was a sleazy song, I felt like this one was a lot more insufferable, and that can be traced to one thing: I cannot stand Ryan Cabrera’s voice on this song. That willowy falsetto voice on the chorus just pisses me off to no end. Say what you will about ‘Daughters;’ at least John Mayer kept his voice within his normal singing range. The brief snippets of falsetto singing on this song, however, push it well beyond believability for me; there’s about as much truth in this song as there is cheese in Cheese Wiz.

There really isn’t much else to say about the song, really. The music’s terribly uninspired, the lyrics are a smorgasbord of insincere love song clichés, and Ryan Cabrera himself has no personality. Seriously, you could have replaced him with any other teen idol John Mayer knockoff and nothing about this song would change. This is beyond bland; plain Quaker oatmeal has more flavor than this song. Rice cakes have more flavor than this song. I guess it should also come as a surprise to no one that Ryan Cabrera didn’t see any further chart success after this year. Considering this was his second and to date final hit song, I don’t see how anyone would have come flocking back to this tool after that. Go back to your college dorm room Cabrera, and take your reedy falsetto voice with you!

#6.

2005 was not a good year for the Black Eyed Peas. Actually, I take that back; 2005 was a very good year for the Black Eyed Peas. After the success of their third studio album, ‘Elephunk’ back in 2003, 2005 saw them release their even more successful fourth studio album, ‘Monkey Business,’ which went 4x platinum, and spawned four hit singles, three of which charted in 2005. It’s a bit of a shame that all three singles in question were just not all that good. It may have been a good year for the Black Eyed Peas, but it certainly wasn’t a good year for Black Eyed Peas fans, who had to endure all three of these songs throughout the year.

‘Don’t Phunk With My Heart’ probably fairs the strongest between the three songs, with decent production and a catchy hook, but even then Fergie pretty much steals the spotlight from the other Peas, save possibly for will.i.am, who gets two verses, over Taboo’s one verse and apl.de.ap not even getting a verse at all. The album’s second single, ‘Don’t Lie,’ was quite a bit weaker, with the song somehow having an even less compelling subject matter and far stupider lyrics. However, despite this, it still had decent production, apl.de.ap and Taboo actually got to do more on the song and the chorus is still catchy as hell. And that brings us to the third single off of that album, and by far the worst:

#6. My Humps (The Black Eyed Peas) [32; 3; 18 weeks]

I don’t think I’m going to shock anyone by saying this song is the musical equivalent of water boarding. There are absolutely no redeeming qualities to this song, none at all. There are a number of reasons for this, and I’ll be getting to them soon, but I just thought I’d start by saying that, the first few times I heard snippets of this song, I didn’t actually mind it all that much. I didn’t even care all that much about it. It just didn’t sound interesting enough to be worth getting angry at. But then I came back to it years later and came to the realization that I completely, utterly hated it.

Let’s start by talking about the music, if you’re in a lenient enough mood to refer to it as such. Considering that it’s now been over a decade since the song’s release and will.i.am has since made even worse songs since this one somehow, I can’t really label this as his worst production. However, I would say it’s still pretty bad, especially given the fact that, at this point, the music he made was, for the most part, pretty good. For God’s sake, the last two singles the Black Eyed Peas released were pretty much redeemed entirely because of their production. This, however, this is just awful. It doesn’t carry a melody, it clashes with the vocals and even if you could dance to it, why would you want to?

And then there’s Fergie. She has a decent singing voice, and is capable of producing beautiful vocals, but her performance here is just awful. She sounds like an obnoxious brat trying to out-annoy Cartmen from ‘South Park’. In fact, I can’t understand why they decided to have her dominate the song vocally and lyrically if this was the performance she was going to hand in. Then again, with production like what she was given, I guess it's not like actually trying to sing would’ve been enough to save it. Honestly, I think that may be the worst part of the song: the fact that all of the elements are set up in a way that none of them could have been redeemed. Though, at the very least they could have tried; this, just like the last two singles they released prior to this, feels like they were just trying to cash in on the rising popularity of Fergie. I guess that’s why only half the group even gets to perform on this song.

The lyrics aren’t even worth mention, but because I’d like to believe I’m a fair person, I’ll address them. Basically, they’re about Fergie bragging about guys being attracted to her body, buying her things and doing nice things for her because she’s hot. Considering my tastes, I can’t really say for sure if I agree with her opinion about her looks, but while I could believe that people are stupid enough to go out and do those kinds of things just because they think someone is hot, why should we care? Okay, guys think Fergie is hot. What am I supposed to do with that? I guess I can get what studio executives were able to get out of it, but as a casual listener, who has never met Fergie before in my life, who likely never will meet Fergie ever, what do I gain from this information? The song itself isn’t even hot to listen to; it’s just another example of a song mistaking being sexual for being sexy. And even if Fergie’s sections were hot to listen to, will.i.am’s most certainly aren’t.

Not too long after this song’s release, the Peas would end up going on their first hiatus. I can’t speculate why, but I’d like to imagine it was because of the amount of backlash this song received, with people mocking it and John Bush of AllMusic describing it as “one of the most embarrassing rap performances of the new millennium.” If only they drew the line there in terms of embarrassment, because as bad as ‘My Humps’ was, the quality of the Black Eyed Peas’s work only went downhill from there. I guess Fergie was right about one thing: her “lovely lady lumps” really do make me want to scream.

#5.

As it happens, the Black Eyed Peas weren’t the only act that started out good but just went to shit by 2005. If you want a good example of an artist pissing away whatever possible quality and talent she had in her music, look no further than Gwen Stefani. I honestly can’t say that I can think of a single song from Gwen Stefani’s solo career that was even remotely good. There were plenty of tolerable songs that spawned from it, sure, but I can’t think of a single song that I actually liked, and the sheer volume of bad stuff just doesn’t make the venture seem even remotely worth it.

For most people, one of two songs represents the absolute worst of Gwen Stefani’s musical output, those songs being ‘Hollaback Girl’ and ‘Wind It Up’. Honestly though, I can’t say I hate these songs all that much. Don’t get me wrong, both songs suck. However, I just can’t find it in me to really get angry or frustrated with them. The main reason for this is because, at the end of the day, the worst offense that Gwen accomplishes with these songs is embarrassing herself. There are worse things that an artist can do through their music. I mean, it’s not like she’s taking an already established, possibly beloved song from someone’s childhood and defecating it in a grand display of narcissism and self-satisfaction for all the world to see, OH WAIT!

#5. Rich Girl (Gwen Stefani ft. Eve) [31; 7; 19 weeks]

Fun fact: when I was growing up, my mom showed me a film adapted from a musical called ‘Fiddler On the Roof.’ The film kind of went over my head at the time. I mean, of course it did; I was maybe four or five when I first saw it. I do remember being taken to see a musical production of it at some point, and that my family had the soundtrack to the musical that we’d listen to quite a lot. However, while I don’t really look back on this musical with that much fondness, I do remember that I took a liking to some of the songs from it, including this little number called ‘If I Were a Rich Man.’ It was a fun enough tune that I could get behind and worked very well because it was written from the perspective of a poor man wishing he actually had money. And that’s something I feel like a lot of people could get behind nowadays.

And then, in 2004, Gwen Stefani launched the first few singles of her solo career, with this being the second one. It did fairly well, managing to peak in the top 10, and proving that Stefani could actually be successful outside of her work with No Doubt. The only problem is that the song is complete shit. And the reason for this can pretty much all be attributed to her decision to use that sample. Gwen’s justification for using the sample is that the song talks about the dreams she had of fortune and fame from the perspective of ‘when she was just an Orange County girl’. Honestly though, I feel like that excuse holds about as much water as Gwen Stefani actually being blonde. Here’s another fun fact: she’s actually a brunette.

The lyrics to this song sway between mindless hedonism and just plain stupidity, and that’s apparent right in the chorus. “If I was a rich girl?” Gwen, you’re already a rich girl. Even prior to this song’s release you were seeing a lot of success with No Doubt, and even just in the context of this song you don’t paint yourself as being sympathetic in the slightest bit. Tell me, when you were an Orange County girl, did you fantasize about having a team of dancer girls at your beck and call to ‘save you’? I mean, considering you said that was the premise of the song, I’m assuming you did because half the song makes reference to them. And even if you’re willing to be generous and ignore the lyrics, watching the video is more than proof enough that Gwen Stefani did not need to worry about becoming a rich girl. Seriously, the entire video just feels like sitting through some pop starlet’s vanity project, and not even an interesting one.

Let me just make one thing crystal clear: I don’t hate this song because it samples ‘If I Were a Rich Man’. No, I hate it because it took a song that people could sympathize with and that sounded like it was genuinely coming from the perspective of a man that had nothing and wanted more and turned it into some rich diva’s showcase of how much money she has. This desecrates something I wasn’t even that big of a fan of to begin with. And even regarding what it’s trying to accomplish, it still fails because it’s trying to make the audience sympathize with Gwen’s desires for all the riches in the world, but it does so in a way that the audience can’t sympathize with. Say what you will about ‘Hollaback Girl;’ at least that song actually accomplished its goal, that being to present a gigantic middle finger to Gwen’s haters and critics. That doesn’t make ‘Hollaback Girl’ a good song, not by a long margin, but it at least makes it better than this display of debauchery! Whatever. I at least hope that Eve made a decent buck off of this, because she’s pretty much given nothing to do on this song, and that Gwen’s solo career sparks precisely no further success, because if this is any indication, she definitely needs to stick with No Doubt if we want anything good to come from her.

#4.

For quite a few people, this next song was the worst hit song of 2005. For me, it only places at #4 on this list.

#4. Some Cut (Trillville ft. Cutty) [49; 14; 17 weeks]

I know this list likely does not make a good case for this statement, but I try to avoid falling back on the obvious choices when putting these lists together. I don’t like having to put songs that people already know are bad on lists like these. That’s not to say I’ll go out of my way to choose something unexpected just for the sake of choosing something unexpected, but for the most part I try to go with what I genuinely think sucks, and often times it’s something I’m not expecting, and not something I feel like a lot of people expect. However, this year there were just a whole bunch of songs that I didn’t like that pretty much no one liked, so finding things that would actually surprise me with how bad or good they were was really difficult.

I actually hadn’t heard of this song prior to looking up other people’s lists for the worst hit songs of this year, and having now heard the song myself, I can definitely see why people consider it terrible, though I’m not sure if I agree with calling it the worst song of the year. However, I do feel like this song is a perfect showcase for everything that was wrong with hip-hop at the time. It was mindless, it lacked subtlety and it just fell back on clichés and uncomfortable word choices. I mean, the chorus has them talking about ‘getting up in them guts’ and ‘cutting it up’. There are strange sexual innuendos, and then there’s this. Are they trying to talk about having sex with the girl in question, or dissecting her corpse once they’re done with her? When they aren’t talking about potentially violent actions they seem to want to make against this girl (digging in her walls/beating down her walls/gut busting/smacking thighs/drill ‘with that ass in the air’/killing her pussy), they seem more interested in trying to brag about showing her how to ‘really bust a nut,’ and in the various sexual acts they would like the girl in question to perform on them, some of which I’m not sure are even possible. I’m not exactly experienced in the whole blowjob thing, but how does one ‘suck dick from behind’? Also, there’s the bizarre ‘Legion of Doom’ line, which I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean. Is that really the name these guys want associated with themselves?

Of course, there’s one thing a lot of people point out about this song that seems to really get them annoyed with it: the squeaking bedsprings. That sound effect kicks in all throughout the song, particularly during the chorus and at the start and beginning of the song. Though, even in the segments without the bedsprings, it’s not like the music’s interesting or noteworthy enough to really make up for it. It’s just kind of dull and flacid. I get that it’s meant to be crunk; it’s supposed to sound down and dirty. Even with that though, I don’t get what the music to this song does to make it stand out from the various other down and dirty sex jams that the genre tends to spawn.

In short, yes, this song sucks its own busted, juggled balls. It’s disgusting, it’s unpleasant, it’s boring and, ultimately, it’s superfluous. But as for it being the worst hit song of the year, no. I can’t say that it’s the worst thing to spawn from this year. It’s definitely one of them though.

#3.

So, one thing I noticed about hip-hop this year was that it shared the same problem present in the hip-hop music from 2001: that being that most of it was vapid, mindless sex and party jams. I probably could’ve stood to put more of them on this list, but really they’re pretty forgettable all things considered, and with a few exceptions they don’t really do anything to distinguish themselves from one another. So what does a song need to do to make itself stand out? Well, what else do marketing hacks do to make their product stand out from others of its kind? Find a gimmick.

#3. Wait (The Whisper Song) (The Ying Yang Twins) [63; 15; 14 weeks]

Say what you will about ‘Some Cut;’ at least it was, for the most part, forgettable enough that it didn’t really warrant much of a reaction outside of just general disgust and disinterest. ‘The Whisper Song,’ however, is different, because it is clearly trying to go for a sexy atmosphere, what with the rappers’ attempts at providing smooth, sensual vocals to the song, and also, the minimal instrumentation and soft tone of the whole thing. And guess what? None of it fucking works! I mean, maybe you’d find something like this sexy, if you never heard any R&B or hip-hop music from anywhere prior to the 2000s. But for those of us that were actually exposed to these genres before this year, this is not appealing. If anything, the song’s attempts at presenting this softer tone and the whispered vocals just make the whole thing sound creepy. The rappers’ attempts at sounding sexy just come across as threatening, like they’re saying these lines to some ten-year-old girl they’re keeping locked in their basement, and the seasick beat doesn’t help matters.

The lyrics aren’t really much to talk about either, though I notice that the chorus prominently features the phrase ‘beat the pussy up’ repeatedly. Way to compare sex with violence, you dirt bags! And even ignoring the tone, the rest of the lyrics don’t do anything to make this sound appealing; they just sound clumsy and uncomfortable. This is yet another problem with hip-hop and R&B music nowadays: the belief that just because something is sexual that automatically makes it sexy, and it doesn’t, at all. If anything the sexual statements just sound kind of ridiculous, like the way D-Roc needs to ask for the girl to give him head, or the baseball/sex comparisons made at the end of the final verse. And, of course, there’s also the other line they repeat throughout the song: ‘Wait ‘til you see my dick.’ Yep, just dropping all pretenses, aren’t we? “Foreplay? Romance? Screw all that; let’s just get right to the love-making!”

I get that there’s an audience for crunk music, so there will likely be people that disagree with my distaste towards the genre. However, I’m not sure how the people that are actually into crunk would enjoy this. Isn’t the appeal of the genre supposed to be how down and dirty the whole thing is? I mean, lyrically maybe I could understand what crunk fans would see in it, but musically? I thought that crunk was supposed to be loud, crazy and in-your-face. This is just too soft and controlled to really match that. What is this good for? Nothing. Next!

#2.

Back in 2002, Justin Timberlake launched his solo career, with the strength of the single ‘Cry Me a River’ pretty much securing his success outside of N’Sync. For many people, this song served as the perfect showcase that Justin Timberlake was capable of becoming a star in his own right, and it even helped bolster producer Timbaland’s career. This would be the first of many collaboration singles to continue between the two, some for better, some…not so much.

Honestly though, I can’t stand ‘Cry Me a River’. I know, I’m probably going to be alone in this regard, but hear me out at least. There are two things I cannot stand about this song; the first is Justin’s attitude. Something I noticed is that he tends to have the same attitude on pretty much every song of his solo career: “I’m so awesome.” Let’s just run through some of his songs to prove this. ‘SexyBack’s message can be boiled down to, “I’m bringing sexy back…because I’m so awesome!” ‘Suit & Tie’s message can be boiled down to, “My girl is so sexy…and I’m so awesome!” And in the case of ‘Cry Me a River,’ the message is, “I’m breaking up with you…because I’m so awesome!” That kind of self-indulgence can work on some songs, but on ‘Cry Me a River,’ it’s just insufferable for me. I just want to sock Justin Timberlake across the jaw whenever I hear this song.

The second, and more relevant, thing that bothers me about this song is that it allowed Timbaland to introduce the pop music world to one particular man that pretty much everyone universally dislikes: Scott fucking Storch. He’s technically only a writer on the song, but if you listen to the music, you can definitely see where a lot of his work seemed to get its inspiration. He was responsible for doing production work on some pretty terrible singles throughout the mid-2000s. So I guess it should surprise no one that a sample of his vile handiwork wound up on this list.

#2. Run It! (Chris Brown ft. Juelz Santana) [42; 1 14 weeks]

In all fairness, Scott Storch isn’t entirely to blame for this song being as terrible as it is, though considering how horrible everyone involved with this song is, there’s plenty of blame to go around. This stands out from the other songs Scott Storch produced from this year though, in that it is probably the least interesting. At the very least things like ‘Lean Back’ and ‘Candy Shop’ could make the case that they had that exotic sounding riff to support them. That’s completely absent on this song though, and without it the song’s little more than just mindless, generic, uninspired club music. It’s been described as a less crunk-y version of the Usher song ‘Yeah!’ and I guess I can see the similarities. So yeah, this is basically like Usher’s ‘Yeah!’ if it was lobotomized and had its balls cut off.

But let’s take a step away from the production and focus our attention on the real ‘star’ of the show: one God awful, waste of human existence that people call Chris Brown. Believe it or not, I actually hadn’t heard about the incident between him and Rihanna until about a year after the fact. I didn’t really pay attention to either artist prior to that point, but from what I’ve heard and read about him, Chris Brown really is as terrible as people have been saying he is. It’s not even just that he’s a complete scumbag; Michael Jackson was accused of terrible things also, yet people still love him because he made good music. It’s that, in addition to also being a mediocre artist at best, his awfulness tends to bleed over into his music, so you can’t even enjoy it on its own merits. Granted, this song came out years before all that, right when Chris Brown was a pretty new name. But honestly, I can’t see how this song would’ve held up even back then. Chris Brown was sixteen years old when this came out, and boy does it sound like it. The guy sounds completely insecure of himself on this track. Even his singing is too breathy to make out, to the point that some words aren’t even annunciated correctly. What made studio hacks think this guy’s whimpering, dog whine of a voice was something people would want to listen to?

And lastly, there’s the rapper on the track, Juelz Santana. The guy’s not even worth mention; he’s got so little charisma you could’ve replaced him with a cardboard box and nothing about this song would’ve changed. The two contributions the guy makes to this song are awkward, lame references to other songs, including ‘Wait (The Whisper Song),’ which I covered above, and pathetic, lifeless lines that sound like they were written the day of recording. Seriously, one of the lines in his intro goes, “One of them brand new big boy toys/I do big boy things/I make big boy noise”. That’s the kind of line even a fifth grader would groan at. I was willing to give ‘There It Go! (The Whistle Song)’ some leniency because it wasn’t really memorable enough to be worth hating, but his performance here is somehow even worse than that.

I honestly don’t understand what there is about this song that people actually liked. And yet, despite being Chris Brown’s debut hit single, it went all the way to #1 on Billboard. Yeah, this year gave us big mainstream success for the likes of the Gorillaz, the Killers, John Legend, and yet it’s Chris Brown that makes it to the top of the pop charts? And now you know one of the many reasons why I’ve become so cynical about the world today. If there’s any consolation to come from this, it’s that Chris Brown seems to be providing no end to the amount of humiliation he inflicts on himself to the amusement of his haters. Thank you for that Chris Brown. Now kindly vacate the planet and take all of Team Breezy with you.

#1.

I’d like to believe I’m not one to freak out over controversy. I mean, I realize that I’m not exactly old enough to have sat through every controversial incident to crop up in the pop music world, but I’ve been exposed to Lady Gaga’s shtick, I’ve been exposed to the aftermath of Miley Cyrus’s fairly eventful 2013, I saw Madonna’s ‘Justify My Love,’ I heard about the whole thing with Madonna and Britney Spears making out at the Grammys years ago. I guess what I’m saying is, if you want something to shock me, it has to do more than just be sexual. Hell, as a society I’d like to believe we’ve mostly moved past the point where someone doing something sexual is going to cause an uproar. We’ve been desensitized to that kind of stuff at this point; it’s about as shocking as a casual conversation at the water fountain at the office might be.

So yeah, controversy isn’t something I tend to focus on when talking about music. I’m not even entirely sure if there was any controversy surrounding this song when it came out. However, I feel like, if there hadn’t been any, there should have been because hoo boy, do we have a doozy of a song on our hands, folks. Well, no point delaying any longer; let’s do this.

#1. Your Body (Pretty Ricky) [74; 12; 14 weeks]

I honestly can’t say I can understand what was going through the minds of Pretty Ricky when the group decided to make this song. Honestly, the song itself isn’t even necessarily that bad by itself. Yeah, the lyrics are just more mindless songs about sex, with the chorus continuing the trend of comparing having sex to ‘beating it up,’ but compared to some of the songs we’ve covered up to this point, most of the lyrics to this song are pretty tame all things considered. Musically it’s not even all that bad either; mostly it’s just bland R&B with nothing interesting to be said about it. So, why am I putting it on this list, let alone right at the number one spot? What makes this song so terrible?

Well, while the actual bad lyrics are fairly few, what they lack in quantity they make up for in the magnitude of their awfulness and stupidity. In fact, most of the bad lyrics can be traced to the first verse, performed by rapper Baby Blue. The second line of the song is the first one that jumps out at me, with the line reading, ‘They take me and rape me and make me their victim.’ I have so many questions about that line. For starters, rape generally means that you were forced into having sex against your will. So, does that mean that Baby Blue is being forced into having sex with the girls he’s talking about? If so, why does he seem to be trying to glorify it by bringing it up in a song? And if he was willingly having sex with these girls, then isn’t describing something that isn’t rape as rape just making light of people that actually are victims of rape? Yeah, I’m sure you’re certain to win the ladies over with that one, pal.

Then there’s the ‘Get a taste of this salami/Knock, knock, knock, knock you down like a tsunami’ line. I’m not sure why he thinks it’s sexy to compare his dick to fermented, air-dried meat, but even if you’re willing to give that part of the line a pass, I can’t say I’d be willing to give a pass to the part immediately afterwards. Perhaps I should put this in perspective for those not in the know. On December 26, 2004, a devastating earthquake hit the west coast of Sumatra, Indonesia. It was the third largest earthquake ever recorded on a seismograph, reaching a magnitude of 9.1-9.3. This triggered a series of devastating tsunamis along the coasts of most of the landmasses in the Indian Ocean. It was one of the deadliest natural disasters in recorded history, with approximately 230,000 people killed in fourteen different countries. 230,000 people. And this Baby Blue guy thinks it’s okay to make a casual lyric about knocking the girl he’s singing about down ‘like a tsunami,’ despite the fact that this occurred just shy of half a year before this song was released? Fuck you, Baby Blue! Fuck you with your own fermented, air-dried dick!

I get the feeling most people are going to say I’m not really justified in putting a song this high on the list just for that one line. But I’ve called songs out for stupid lyrical choices before, and have proven time and again that a single line in a song is enough to ruin it for me, and holy crap was that just staggeringly thoughtless. There is no way I’m just going to turn a blind eye to the fact that this guy made light of a terrible catastrophe that resulted in hundreds of thousands of people getting killed. Screw this song and screw Pretty Ricky, yes the entire group. These boys were old enough to know what they were doing when this song was put together. They should have known better than to let this idiot get away with making a lyric like that. This goes beyond just being thoughtless and stupid; this is just insulting. And it is for this reason that it is my pick for the worst hit song of 2005.  

Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 1969

Hello again folks. I admit, I feel like 1969 was, in a lot of ways, a fairly difficult year for me to review, not because the year was bad, but because not a whole lot jumped out at me. That’s not even to say that the year was boring, it was okay. On a scale of one to ten, it landed somewhere around a six or seven, which wasn’t great, but was good enough that it got a barely passing grade. Most of the music this year was fine; it just didn’t feel like it took a lot of chances. Though, if you’ve read my worst list, you could make the argument that some of the chances that were taken were for the worse. Keep in mind though, this was still kind of a transitional year, so the trends of the ‘60s were starting to taper out, with the seeds that would form the trends of the ‘70s slowly starting to work their way in here and there.

However, much like the best list for 1986, I really didn’t need to struggle to find songs that I actually liked from this year. There were not as many good songs this year as there were from 1976, but the good songs I did find were still amazingly good. There were still works by artists I grew up with that made it onto the pop charts this year, and plenty of which I really liked, some of which I even remembered from when I was growing up. So, if you’re thinking that there will likely be some bias regarding the songs I place on this list…well, you’d be right. This is still at least partially an opinion-based list, so there are still chances that people will disagree with these picks, but I stand by them all the same.

Before we get into what actually made the list though, let’s first go through the songs that just came up short or, for one reason or another, didn’t qualify:

Build Me Up Buttercup (The Foundations) [9; 3; 13 weeks]

Ah, a classic. I admit, I mostly went with this one because of nostalgia. That said, I still think it’s a fun little song. Yeah, it’s another song that’s upbeat and happy sounding despite not really having a particularly upbeat, happy subject matter, but I honestly don’t mind it as much here. The reason is that the frantic, almost desperate tone of the singer still manages to shine through despite the music not exactly matching. I genuinely believe that the singer is in turmoil over this relationship, and that he wants to make it work. It does have some pretty cheesy lyrics at points, yes, but that’s a classic ‘60s love song for you. It’s still a lot of fun, and I still enjoy listening to it.

Goodnight My Love (Paul Anka) [--; 27; 6 weeks]

I think this song just sounds sweet. Again, it kind of delves into cheese territory, but if any of my previous lists are any indication, I like my love songs a little on the cheesy side. Maybe I’m weird for thinking this, but I feel like it makes them come across as a little more honest. If I want someone I’m romantically involved with to bid me goodnight after spending the day together, this is how I want them to do it: singing cheesy lyrics while being backed up by a goddamn choir.

First of May (The Bee Gees) [--; 37; 3 weeks]

This sadly didn’t qualify for the list, which is a shame because, on top of the disco music they would go on to release in the ‘70s, this really has me curious to hear more from the Bee Gees. It’s probably one of the few times I heard a somber song this year that actually sounded genuinely somber. It’s also nice to know that the guys didn’t always sing in their falsetto voices.

Bad Moon Rising (Creedence Clearwater Revival) [24; 2; 12 weeks]

This I actually had heard prior to sitting through the hits from this year. So I guess I let this one slide because I was already familiar with it and thought it was decent enough.

Proud Mary (Creedence Clearwater Revival) [19; 2; 12 weeks]

Huh. I guess I have a thing for roots rock and swamp rock and didn’t realize it. Go figure. I guess I’ll need to check out more music from these genres later. I’m certainly curious to check out more of Creedence Clearwater Revival’s discography at some point.

Baby, I Love You (Andy Kim) [28; 9; 12 weeks]

I’m not sure exactly what it is I like about this song. If I were to venture a guess, it might be the instrumentation, which makes up for the softer vocals by just being jubilant and energetic. Also, the background vocals don’t hurt either.

Jingle Jangle (The Archies) [--; 17; 3 weeks]

This was actually a bigger hit in 1970. It wasn’t nearly as big a hit as the Archies’ most well known song, ‘Sugar, Sugar,’ but I honestly think I like this song better. It actually feels like it has more energy, and it sounds a lot happier. I admit though, it does have kind of an unsettling line in the third verse, which goes, ‘So darlin’, don’t be weepin’/And please don’t you be sleepin’/When I come a-creepin’ down the hall.’ The line is questionable, but ultimately not something that really gets in the way of my ability to enjoy the song.

Hot Fun in the Summertime (Sly and the Family Stone) [7; 2; 13 weeks]

Much like ‘Summertime,’ I can definitely get a feeling of love for summer and all the fun that comes with it from the performers. This song though, rather than being laid back, instead seems to opt for a more jubilant, upbeat tone, with a brisk, lively tempo to match. The vocal bits at the end of each line are what really push the song over the top for me, honestly.

A Boy Named Sue (Johnny Cash) [36; 2; 11 weeks]

What’s this, a comedic song that’s actually funny? Hey Ray Stevens, start taking notes. You might learn a thing or two about actually making your audience want to laugh.

Now that that’s done, baby, baby don’t cry. Baby, baby here’s why: we’re counting down…

...THE TOP 10 BEST HIT SONGS OF 1969!

            #10.

            I just want to say I really hope you guys appreciate the amount of time I spend putting these lists together. Not only do I need to look up each artist’s background and history, but I also need to listen through their full discography and the discographies of every group that artist was a part of, or in the case of groups, of every member of the group at the time the song that places on one of these lists was released. The best and worst of 2001 lists were probably some of the shorter lists I had to work on just because the artists that placed on those lists were so recent and their discographies weren’t all that lengthy.

            This list, however, will likely be one of the ones I’ll have taken the most time putting together, and that can pretty much solely be attributed to this next song and the artist behind it. But, let me make it clear that this is not meant as a slander against the artist, or the song.

#10. My Way (Frank Sinatra) [--; 27; 6 weeks]

I honestly think this was a pretty appropriate song for Frank Sinatra to be releasing at this point in his life. Of course, that could just be because he would end up ‘retiring’ from music the following year, but if anything I think that only served to help add credibility to the song. Now, serious confession time, I actually don’t like that much of Frank Sinatra’s music. Don’t get me wrong; I do think the guy had talent, but his early work all tended to be very samey-sounding, and he also had the tendency to not sing within the meter of his songs. That’s a serious pet peeve for me, and it’s why I can’t get into a lot of his music unfortunately. I can’t say he’s much better about it on this song, but at the very least he follows the meter close enough that it doesn’t really get on my nerves.

Now, there’s really only one reason this song made the list: on this song, Frank Sinatra sounded like he had genuinely lived a full life and had pretty much done it all. His delivery was that of a man that had seen the world and had legitimately lived. Now, compare that to a lot of music we hear today, which is done by the likes of Taylor Swift and Wiz Khalifa and various other artists that haven’t really experienced life in any way that feels real. Or maybe they have, I don’t know, but they can most definitely not present it in their music. None of these modern artists are able to convey the idea that they’ve lived full lives or seen the world, which is understandable because a lot of our famous people are still young and pretty, as has become the primary focus of our society, to push more for people that are still young and pretty. And yet Frank Sinatra proved with this song that there are, or at least were still old folks that could match the talent and quality of the younger crowd, if not surpass them.

It really is kind of a sad commentary on the artists of today that an artist from the ‘40s and ‘50s ended up sounding more real and more genuine on a song he released around the advent of his period of pop chart success than most artists that appear on the pop charts today. However, I’m not complaining about it. If anything, I’m more bothered by the number of covers done of this song that people have attempted again and again. None of them work at all because they all suffer the same problem: they try to present it from people that are either too young or not worldly enough to really match the tone the song is going for. The appeal of the song comes from the fact that Frank Sinatra, the original singer of the song, really had lived his life to the fullest and had pretty much experienced everything there was to experience in his lifetime. And that’s not something I think any modern artists would ever be able to pull off.

Frank Sinatra: the perfect gentleman and a pinnacle of class, sophistication and worldliness.

#9.

And fresh off the heels of seeing one artist reach what he believed to be his official retirement from music, we’ll now be seeing another act making their first big breakthrough in their musical tenure.

#9. I Want You Back (The Jackson Five) [--; 7; 5 weeks]

Yeah, I know, it wasn’t a #1 hit until 1970, but it still charted in 1969, and high enough to qualify for this list. It’s kind of funny; I’ve touched on the subject of Michael Jackson in two earlier lists, but it wasn’t until now that I actually got to talk in length about a Michael Jackson song. Well, technically it’s a song belonging to him and the other four members of the Jackson 5 at the time, but Michael basically owns the song from the moment he starts singing it.

I’ve talked about child performers before, and I’ve said I try not to be too hard on them, but I don’t think I’ll need to worry too much about doing that for MJ here. He just had a natural talent and charisma that shown through in his performance here. He worked really well at presenting himself as both remorseful and yet innocent at the same time, which is what’s needed for this song. It’s a song presenting a young man’s plea for forgiveness from a girl that left him, begging her to return to him. And while the song’s upbeat musical presentation would seem to clash with the tone of the song, I actually think it works. It’s not trying to be dour or sad; it’s grasping at optimism, at the hope that the girl being addressed will find it in her to come back and grant him absolution.

Of course, this also begs the question of what the girl needs to forgive the narrator for exactly. Looking at the lyrics reveals that the narrator apparently didn’t show appreciation for the girl in question, stating that he didn’t seem to want her around when they were together. In response, she left him for someone else, and now that the narrator realizes what he’s lost. And the rest of the song is basically the narrator trying to depict exactly how sorry he is. Granted, at points it does kind of become uncomfortable with how he describes his regret, such as the line ‘Every street you walk on, I leave tear stains on the ground/Following the girl I didn’t even want around.’ That’s kind of creepy and this poor fellow should probably stop doing that else the girl ends up filing a restraining order on him. Still, I honestly can’t say I’m bothered by it that much. I mean, just based on some of the songs I put on my worst list, as far as unintentionally unsettling descriptions of one’s affection go, I maintain that you could do a whole lot worse. Besides, considering this seems to be from the perspective of a younger narrator, you can overlook one questionable line. The reason I wasn’t willing to be lenient with songs like ‘I’m Gonna Make You Mine,’ or ‘Don’t Give In To Him,’ was because they were told from the perspectives of grown men, people that should know better than to say things like what they said in those songs. This, however, is honestly harmless all things considered.

Technically this wasn’t the Jackson 5’s first single, but it was the first one to become a hit. And I honestly am glad that it did, considering it eventually led to MJ developing into the king of pop. The guy was certainly talented, despite some of his shakier musical presentations, but there’s a reason he ended up becoming the most successful act under Motown. Rest in peace, MJ; your legacy will live on.

#8. 

I don’t know if I properly expressed just how much I despise ‘The Worst That Could Happen,’ by Johnny Maestro and the Brooklyn Bridge. It’s just an unpleasant song expressing unpleasant sentiments and expecting the listener to feel bad for the narrator because of it. It’s also a clear demonstration of how, just because a song tries to present itself as sympathetic, that doesn’t automatically make it listener sympathize with it.

However, while the Johnny Maestro version of the song was the one that became popular, it was not the original version of the song. That belonged to the American “Champagne Soul” act the 5^th Dimension. I’m not sure if I’d be willing to forgive the 5^th Dimension for allowing this song to exist, thus allowing Johnny Maestro and the Brooklyn Bridge to cover it. However, I might be a little more willing to do so after having heard this next song.

#8. Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In (The 5^thDimension) [2; 1; 16 weeks]

Of the hit songs that were spawned from the musical ‘Hair,’ this is probably the one that stuck with me the most. Also of note, pretty much every song on this list, with the exception of two songs, ended up peaking in the top 10 in 1969.  We’ve already covered one of the songs that didn’t already, but we’ll be getting to the other one much later.

As for this song, it starts out speaking of the astrological belief that the world would be entering a new age, one of love, light and humanity. This is noted in the prechorus, where the lyrics speak of the moon being in the seventh house and Jupiter aligning with Mars, which would signal ‘the dawning of the Age of Aquarius,’ and the end of the Age of Pisces. I admit, I don’t really know anything about astrology, so I wouldn’t be able to confirm this for anyone, but I can definitely appreciate a good song that can create this kind of otherworldly atmosphere, which the first half of this song does splendidly. Of course, it would end up phasing out of that atmosphere for the second half of the song, which is a jaunty, upbeat number that wouldn’t sound out of place being performed by a church choir. I admit, I feel like this song mostly placed on the list based more on the strength of the first half of the song than on the second. That said, I can’t really hate on the second half all that much; I can enjoy a good gospel number now and then.

This was actually one of two number one hit songs that the Fifth Dimension would land this year, with the other being ‘Wedding Bell Blues.’ However, I feel like ‘Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In’ is the better song, since it actually has atmosphere, and the tone of the song matches the lyrics. ‘Wedding Bell Blues’ is yet another lighthearted song whose lyrics are just too sad to really match up with the song’s presentation. Despite it basically being two separate songs sewn together back to back, ‘Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In’ does a better job at making both halves of the song match the tone they were going for, even if they don’t match each others’ tones all that well.

While the Fifth Dimension would actually manage to last into the early ‘70s, they just couldn’t keep up their momentum and didn’t really see much chart success past 1972. It’s a bit of a shame, because their music is definitely a nice listen, and I’d certainly take this cluttered, Frankenstein monster-esque medley over the more complete, more awful songs that we covered on the worst list.

#7.

Once again, I need to offer my sincerest apologies for a decision I made on a previous list. Specifically, I’ll need to apologize for putting an Elvis Presley song on my ‘worst of ‘76’ list. Now again, it’s partially a matter of opinion and different people have different tastes; I just personally felt like the song didn’t work and that it didn’t really accomplish the goal it set for itself. Of course, I was worried that, by putting that song on the list, I was implying that I didn’t like Elvis Presley’s music, and that’s simply not true. I like plenty of Elvis Presley songs, though from earlier in his career. For example:

#7. Suspicious Minds (Elvis Presley) [18; 1; 13 weeks]

This song was released right around the time when Elvis was preparing to relaunch his career after his disastrous eight-year film tenure. He actually had three top ten hit songs that spawned from this year: this song, ‘In the Ghetto’ and ‘Don’t Cry Daddy.’ Of the three, I feel like this one felt like it had the most impact, not only being the only single of his to reach the number one spot out of the songs he released this year, but being his last song to reach the number one spot for the remainder of his music career. Technically, this is actually a cover, though the original version of the song, recorded by American songwriter Mark James, flopped commercially. This led to producer Chips Moman handing the song off to Elvis and the rest is history.

On a musical level, there aren’t really that many differences between the original and Elvis’s cover version; they’re basically the same song. However, there are two things about the Elvis version that push it over the top for me. The first are the background singers. On the original version of the song, they’re basically a non-presence and only serve to add harmonies to certain areas of the song. The Elvis version’s background singers, however, add a little more, repeating the endings of certain lines to add emphasis, with my personal favorite part of the song being when they repeat the line ‘suspicious minds’ during the chorus. More than that though, what really wins the song for me is Elvis’s delivery. Mark James, on the original version of the song, sounded emotionally detatched from the issue being described in the song. I just don’t buy that he felt upset about his lover’s suspicion of him. Elvis, however, sounds like he’s in turmoil over this. I believe that he feels like he’s being driven to the brink of despair by his lover’s suspicion; it is bringing him to tears!

And unlike ‘Hurt,’ where he sounded so ridiculously over the top and overblown with his delivery that it bordered on self-parody, his delivery here actually feels grounded; it’s still over the top, but it feels more controlled. Yeah, I’ve gone on record as saying I have a higher tolerance for cheesy and over the top performances, but see here’s the difference: where ‘Hurt’ sounded like it was coming from a drunken bar fly screaming into a microphone while singing karaoke, ‘Suspicious Minds’ sounds like it’s from a man that’s actually trying to confront his problems rather than run from them. And not only that, but Elvis’s delivery on this song just sounds a lot easier to sympathize with, not necessarily because of the subject matter, but because he just sells the hell out of it. Nowadays, when you hear songs from people trying to win back their suspicious lovers, not only does the song fail to make their suspicion not seem justified, but the performers just tend to fail at providing any kind of signs that they genuinely feel bad about it. Elvis, however, sounds like he genuinely feels bad that he’s led his love to feel suspicious of him in the first place, not purely for his own sake, but for both of their sakes, for their love and dreams together that can’t survive if this suspicion continues. And furthermore, unlike ‘Stand By Your Man,’ which was condescending to both parties involved, this sounds like it’s trying to be supportive and reassuring in addition to being desperate.

So no, just because I didn’t like one song of his, I don’t hate Elvis Presley’s music as a whole. I honestly think he was a very talented performer, and songs like this, and the fact that he was able to revive his career at a point when most people had come to see him as little more than a joke, should be proof enough of that.

#6.

Does anyone remember when R&B used to be classy, suave, sophisticated and intelligent? I’d comment on how ‘those were the days,’ except I don’t think I was either alive or old enough to have been around when that was the case. I am part of the generation that grew up on the more modern R&B, which requires you to wade through a whole lot of stupid to find anything worth listening to. So, guys like Jason Derülo, Chris Brown, Jeremaih, Trey Songz, these are the faces of R&B for me. And that is a real shame because these guys are complete morons, well, save for Chris Brown, who is just a deplorable, arrogant, whiny, violent jackass. The best we can expect from modern R&B nowadays are guys like Usher, and even then Usher doesn’t always stick the landing when it comes to being romantic and charming. It’s guys like these that make me lament the fact that I missed out on the era with R&B guys that actually presented class when trying to play the sweet romantic figure.

Fortunately, we have the Internet, and the massive backlog of past musicians’ works at our fingertips nowadays as well, so it’s not like the music of the past has been completely lost. And thank God for that, otherwise the acts I’m going to be listing below would likely have passed us by completely and we would’ve had nothing to show for it.

#6. I’m Gonna Make You Love Me (Diana Ross and the Supremes & the Temptations) [87; 2; 10 weeks]

This was released after a pretty rough period for the Temptations, whose primary front man, David Ruffin, had proven to be so problematic at this point that they ended up needing to replace him with Dennis Edwards. And he had a really big pair of shoes to fill, considering he was coming in right off the heels of what would go on to be the classic Temptations line up. Fortunately, the first song to feature him on lead vocals, ‘Cloud Nine,’ was fairly well received, peaking at number six on Billboard in 1968. He didn’t actually end up singing lead vocals on this song, but that doesn’t mean that it didn’t still demonstrate that the Temptations were still able to carry themselves without David Ruffin.

Of course, it seems they weren’t convinced of it, since they would then do a collaboration album with their distaff counterparts, the Supremes. Not that I’m complaining, considering it resulted in this song becoming a hit. Someone I know told me that she really took issue with this song because, to paraphrase what she said, “Whenever Diana Ross performs, it’s always Diana Ross and everyone else.” And while it is somewhat true that Diana Ross does kind of dominate the song, I’d argue that Eddie Kendricks handles his part of the song fairly well also. His falsetto voice does a nice job matching Diana Ross’s upper register vocals. And honestly, I feel like they have decent balance on this song; neither one of them seems to really steal the spotlight from or overpower the other. And, of course, the spoken word portions of the song actually fit into the song without really interrupting the flow.

  Sadly, much like the 5^th Dimension, neither the Supremes nor the Temptations would manage to see much success through the ‘70s, with both groups running dry in terms of hit success by 1975. The only member of either group that would manage any consistent success through the decade would be Diana Ross, who would even manage some chart success into the ‘80s. As for Eddie Kendricks, he did manage some pop success briefly in 1973 and 1974 with two top five hit songs, but aside from several songs charting on the R&B charts after that, and a live performance with Hall and Oates of ‘A Night At the Apollo’ managing to scrape the bottom of the top 20, his success wouldn’t really persist much further than that, and he sadly passed away on October 5, 1992 from lung cancer. Still, this song does a nice job showing off the strengths of both groups, and I’m happy to listen to this song and reflect on the era of R&B I missed out on, where stupidity may have still been present, but was a lot more scarce than it is today.

#5.

Considering it’s been about a year and a half since its release in theaters, I’m guessing many of you have seen ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’ by now. Wasn’t that a pretty awesome movie? I admit though, I was kind of iffy about going to see it at first. Why? Well, let’s just say that the initial trailer didn’t exactly sell me on it. One thing about it especially put me off to the prospect of seeing the film: that ridiculously stupid song that they ended up playing in the background. It just sounded so kitschy and dated and lame. I mean, it had a bunch of guys going ‘Ooga ooga ooga chaka’ all over it. How could I possibly get into a film when that was the song they were using to promote it?

Of course, if I’d bothered to do my research, I would’ve found out that said song was actually a cover. Then I likely would have discovered this next song before putting this list together rather than while I was in the midst of doing so. Figures, doesn’t it?

#5. Hooked On a Feeling (B. J. Thomas) [99; 5; 10 weeks]

This was actually one of two big hits that B. J. Thomas had this year, with the other being the song ‘Raindrops Keep Fallin’ On My Head’ from the film ‘Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.’ By the way, that song nearly got handed over to Ray Stevens, but he turned it down, thankfully. But while that song was the bigger hit, ‘Hooked On a Feeling’ is not only the better of the two songs, it’s also the song that established that B. J. Thomas still had hit making power in him after the dry period he experienced after managing a single top 10 hit three years prior. And it’s pretty clear to see why, going back and listening to the song.

First, let’s take a look at the production for the song. An electric sitar carries the song’s music, a musical choice that definitely helps it stand out at the time, and even today. How many songs on the pop charts have you heard recently that used sitars on them? And the lighter, softer percussion also helps add to the song’s earnestness, making it seem a lot more soft-spoken and romantic. Then there’s B. J. Thomas himself, who does a splendid job at presenting himself as the innocent, love stricken narrator, and the lyrics work well to compliment that. They primarily speak of how the narrator feels about the girl being addressed in the song, with metaphors indicating that he is just so infatuated with her that she’s addictive, like candy or a fine glass of wine. And unlike a lot of modern songs that abuse the ‘love like an addiction’ metaphor, this came out at a time when it could actually get away with it. And the way it presents it isn’t overly sexual, but soft and sweet, which was what love songs were supposed to be back in the day.

I admit, that’s pretty much all I had to say about this song. I just think it’s a sweet, innocent little love song and it works a lot better than the love songs I covered on the other list. I guess I could add that the way the song is presented, in contrast to those other songs, it seems to elevate the girl in question on a pedestal, painting a very flattering picture of the girl instead of just selfishly trying to get her to give up some other guy to get with the narrator or acting all passive-aggressive and expecting that to win the girl over.

Sometimes, the simplest approach can be the best one. This was certainly the case with this song.

#4.

I’m not really wild about sports, so I don’t really pick up on most of the traditions that are associated with various sporting events or teams or anything else relating to them. Back when I was in high school, the closest I got to participating in a sport was performing in a marching band. And I will tell you right now that it was incredibly unpleasant. I would occasionally have to perform with other band members at football games, we’d have to march around on a field while carrying these giant, heavy, unwieldy metal things that weren’t properly balanced for us to be able to do so without hurting ourselves in the process, and they would even have us practice our marching routines when it was freezing and raining outside. If you enjoyed the experience of performing in a marching band, fine; maybe you were able to find something fun in the activity that I just didn’t see. However, there is no way I will ever be caught wearing a marching uniform and walking around carrying a marching fucking baritone again as long as I live.

Steering the topic back to sports though, while I’m not wild about sports, I am still interested in music. And this next song has become so strongly associated with various sports and activities that it’s practically written in the cultural identity of Americans everywhere, at least those that actually watch or participate in sports.

#4. Sweet Caroline (Neil Diamond) [22; 4; 12 weeks]

Neil Diamond is one of the top three most successful adult contemporary artists, behind only Elton John and Barbra Streisand, and has had three number one hit singles. This wasn’t one of them, but it’s still seen its share of success, being played at a number of sporting events, both in America and even a few countries in Europe, serving as the victory theme for the Carolina Panthers and club anthem for the Castleford Tigers and selling over two million digital downloads in the United States alone. I find this incredibly interesting because, thematically, this song doesn’t actually have anything to do with sporting events or sports teams or anything; it’s just a simple song about how great the person the singer is singing about makes them feel. In one interview, Neil Diamond revealed that the inspiration for the song came from a magazine cover photo of John F. Kennedy’s daughter, Caroline, as a young child on a horse with her parents, with the song itself coming together five years later, being released when Caroline was eleven years old. However, in a completely different interview, he stated that the titular ‘Caroline’ in the song wasn’t referring to her. The song was originally going to be named after his wife Marsha, however he ultimately decided to go with a three-syllable name for the song, with ‘Caroline’ being the name he settled on.

Much like with ‘Hooked On a Feeling,’ there really isn’t a lot to this song. However, it’s the simplicity of the song that makes it work for me. The imagery and descriptions of the narrator’s affection for the girl in question doesn’t really delve into questionable territory, and it’s not trying to. The narrator is just expressing how great it feels to be in love with this girl specifically, and I completely buy it. I’m not trying to say I don’t buy it in ‘Hooked On a Feeling,’ but I feel like this song delivers it a bit better just because, where ‘Hooked On a Feeling,’ was expressing how great it is to be in love, ‘Sweet Caroline’ sounds like how I would imagine it feels to be in love. And all that can be attributed to the chorus. I just love every part of the chorus to this song; from the big, dramatic way Neil Diamond says the line ‘Sweet Caroline,’ to the horns that accentuate that line, to the backup vocals. Much like with ‘Kyrie,’ the chorus is the main reason this song made it on this list. Though that’s not to say that the rest of the song isn’t good also. It’s a fun, jaunty tune that creates the impression of clouds parting and blue skies as far as the eye can see. And that’s what I think of when I think of a song about being in love.

It really is a shame that, despite how successful and fondly remembered this song is, it didn’t end up being a number one hit. Diamond would manage other number one hit songs over the course of his career, sure, but I don’t think any of them managed to capture the pure, raw emotion that’s present in this song. They’re not bad songs, don’t get me wrong, but they just don’t leave the same kind of impact as ‘Sweet Caroline.’ Still not sure what it has to do with sports though. Ah well, next!

#3.

1969 was not a good year for the Beatles. They seriously struggled getting through the albums they worked on, they ended up performing their final live show really early on in the year, tensions ran high between the members of the band and by the end of the year John Lennon would ultimately split off from the group to write and produce his own music. And if you’ve read the worst list, you should already know what I think about his initial attempts at that particular stint.

However, that doesn’t mean that the Beatles weren’t still able to make good music this year. I wouldn’t say their work from this year was their best by any stretch, but it was still the Beatles performing it, and if nothing else, their musical chops were still enough for them to be able to elevate even songs that weren’t all that great into something bigger and more impressive.

#3. Come Together (The Beatles) [85; 1; 12 weeks]

This song is actually kind of curious, since it, along with the Beatles song ‘Something’ was the first case where an ‘A’ side and ‘B’ side song were counted together on Billboard, albeit after both songs had become hits separately. This is also kind of a significant song because it would be among one of the last songs the Beatles would release that had John Lennon in their line up. It’s also a clear sign of just how high tensions were with the Beatles at the time, since John Lennon did pretty much all the work on the song, to the point that he ended up watching Paul McCartney compose the electric piano part so he could learn it himself. Speaking of how the song was put together, this was apparently inspired by Timothy Leary’s campaign against Ronald Reagan for the position of governor of California. The title was based on an expression Leary came up with for his campaign. John attempted to write a campaign song, and it ended up with him creating this song. Of course, considering most of the lyrics seem to be nonsensical, Lennon claimed that he couldn’t imagine anyone being able to build a campaign out of a song like this. Honestly though, if someone were to build a campaign out of this song…well, that still wouldn’t guarantee I’d vote for them, but it would certainly catch my attention.

As I said, Lennon handled most of the instrumentation on this song, contributing both lead and backing vocals, with McCartney’s backing vocals only being overdubbed in later, as well as the electric piano, which McCartney had composed the part for. However, what really makes this song…well, for lack of a better phrase, ‘come together’ for me is the bass line, which hilariously enough is one of the few parts in the song not played by Lennon. That bass line is the glue that keeps the rest of the song grounded, with Ringo Starr’s drumming serving to compliment it. In fact, despite the fact that Lennon does most of the work in terms of playing the instruments on the song, it’s actually the parts played by the rest of the group that make the song work. That’s not to say that Lennon doesn’t do a good job on the song, but it just feels like, if he’d actually tried to play the whole thing by himself, it wouldn’t have turned out as well. Although, compared to the lead off single of his solo career, ‘Give Peace a Chance,’ I’d call this song a goddamn masterpiece.

More than anything, though, to me this song comes across as a massive ego trip on the part of Lennon. Yet, at the same time, it’s also a demonstration of just how much better the Beatles were when they were together. It really is sad that he would end up leaving the band by the end of the year because this song is clear indication that, even at their lowest of lows the Beatles were still able to put together awesome music.

#2.

Back on my best of 2001 list, I talked about how there was a time when I primarily listened to folk music, and how that was predominantly because of my older sister. However, going back through this year has had me reintroduced to a very specific act that may have gotten me hooked on folk music even before that: Simon and Gafunkel. I first heard of them through a medley of songs of theirs I ended up singing in a choir I was in back in the day. After hearing that, my mom bought a CD of their greatest hits, and when I was in middle school, this album was pretty much all I would listen to. There were a number of songs of theirs off of that album that I really enjoyed, ‘Scarborough Fair,’ ‘Feelin’ Groovy,’ ‘The Sounds of Silence,’ ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water,’ just to name a few. This next song was also on the CD, but when I first heard it, I admit I didn’t really think much of it. However, now that time has passed and I’ve taken several years off of having heard the song and returned to it now, I’ve come to realize I really like it, like really, truly like it.

#2. The Boxer (Simon and Garfunkel) [--; 7; 9 weeks]

Much like was the case with the Beatles and ‘Come Together,’ ‘The Boxer’ came out around the time when things were starting to deteriorate between Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel. This was the first single off of their ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water’ album, the last album the two would release as a duo before splitting in 1970, at least before their numerous attempts at reuniting that would follow. However, that’s a story for another day.

In contrast to ‘Come Together’ though, this song isn’t an ego trip as it is a narrative from the perspective of a man struggling to overcome loneliness and poverty in New York City. The lyrics tell of a man that left his home as a boy, tried to make a life for himself but didn’t really make much success in terms of finding a job. The narrator lives his life in the poor men’s quarters and would stifle his sorrow by seeking comfort from the whores on Seventh Avenue, and by the end of the song is wishing to return home. The final verse, while seeming to be disconnected, I think kind of ties in with the narrative, with its description of the boxer in question serving as kind of a parallel to the struggle the narrator faces. The man is covered in scars that reflect every blow he’s ever received, to the point that he was pushed to swallow his pride and surrender, yet he continues his struggle despite all of this, knowing that he has already lost. Normally when a song tells of a character going through a struggle such as this, the easy way to end it would be for the protagonist to ultimately overcome said struggle and emerge victorious over his adversities. This song, however, is quite painfully the opposite of that, an indication that not every challenge can be overcome and not everyone succeeds at accomplishing their dreams. It’s an agonizing wake up slap from the fantasies of optimism and dreams and an indication that reality is a cruel place where, for the most part, people can’t always win.

I admit, with a narrative like this, it’s kind of hard to understand why I would like a song like this. However, what makes up for the bleak image painted by the lyrics are how they’re delivered through the music. The song’s folk rock sound and Simon and Garfunkel’s always-lovely harmonies makes it sound pretty; it paints a pretty picture of the story being told. It’s like a musical tragedy; you may find the story depressing as hell, but you can get into it because the songs make it sound beautiful. And part of that comes from how the chorus is presented. It really shouldn’t work as well as it does because the chorus is actually just nonsense words, just the phrase ‘lie-la-lie’ repeated over and over again over a thundering drum section. Paul Simon explained that the phrase was meant as a placeholder, but it ultimately ended up part of the finished song. However, despite the nonsense of the lyrics themselves, I think they carry more with them. Some artists are able to take nonsense words like these and imbue them with depth and meaning, and the phrase here can be interpreted as all the tangled emotion ravaging the narrator through the struggle he fights against but probably realizes he can’t overcome.

I can understand why a lot of people wouldn’t like a song like this. I mean, why listen to a song that’s about something so bleak and depressing? Honestly though, I feel like it’s a nice refresher from sugary, upbeat music that we hear a lot nowadays. Not to say I don’t like a good bubblegum pop song now and then; ‘I Want You Back’ is clear evidence that I do. However, I guess I would recommend this song for the same reason someone might recommend one of Shakespeare’s tragedies; it’s a depressing sit through, but it’s well written and, on some level, still grounded in reality. It may have come around the time when Simon and Garfunkel’s partnership was coming to a close, but like the Beatles, even when they were at odds with each other, these two were still able to make really good music.

#1.

I seriously struggled with choosing between ‘The Boxer’ and this next song as my choice for my #1 for this list. I absolutely love both songs, and both of them have impressive merits that work in their favor. On top of that, they’re both technically impressive songs in their own way. I spent quite a bit of time tossing the songs back and forth in my mind trying to decide which of the two I wanted to be the #1.

However, ultimately, there was one question that I asked myself that decided the placement of these two songs on this list: which song would I be willing to listen to again and again without getting sick of it after repeated listens? Don’t get me wrong, I adore ‘The Boxer,’ and I think it’s a fantastic song. However, I feel like the very somber tone of the song would wear out on me eventually after hearing it multiple times. This next song, however, I feel like I would be more than willing to listen to for days on end without getting sick of it. Don’t think for a second, though, that this means I like ‘The Boxer’ any less because of this. This really came down to the wire, and I love both of these songs just as much. In the end, however, this was where I decided to place them. So, without further ado ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my favorite hit song from 1969:

#1. Suite: Judy Blue Eyes (Crosby, Stills and Nash) [--; 21; 9 weeks]

I originally heard this song by listening to a cover of it done by a friend as part of an audio drama he was putting together. Much like with ‘The Boxer,’ I didn’t really pay the song much mind when I first heard it. However, after going through the list of hits from 1969 and stumbling across this song again, it just hit me right in the gut just how much I loved this song. Where ‘The Boxer’ was all doom and gloom, ‘Suite: Judy Blue Eyes’ is optimism and hope. Stephen Stills wrote the song in regards to his imminent break up with singer/songwriter Judy Collins, and while the two did end up breaking up, I feel like a song like this was a fairly good note to end the relationship on.

But let’s start out by looking at the lyrics and structure of the song. It’s a suite consisting of four song concepts that tie together seamlessly. A suite, in the musical sense, is an ordered set of instrumental, orchestral or concert band pieces, originating in the late 14^th century in the form of dance tunes and by the early 17^th century grew to comprise of five dances, sometimes with a prelude. Stephen Stills performs the lead vocals and sings most of the major melodies throughout the song, with Crosby and Nash singing harmonies.

The first section consists of four verses, each concluded with a chorus of ‘I am yours, you are mine, you are what you are/You make it hard.’ It seems to be addressing Collins directly, talking about how he feels sorry about how things aren’t working out, reflecting on the past, and seeming to accept that she is leaving, but stating that he still loves her and always will. The second section consists of four verses, each consisting of two lines followed by the line ‘What have you got to lose?’ or in the case of the third verse, ‘What have I got to lose?’ Between the second and third verse, there is a brief solo by Stephen Stills, expressing that he still feels pain over the fact that things aren’t working out. This eventually leads into the third section of the song, which consists of three four bar verses that speak in poetic imagery, ultimately concluding with the line, “Be my lady,” seeming to indicate that Stephen Stills hasn’t fully let go of Collins and that he still believes they can make things work between them. And that is followed by the final section, which, much like the chorus to ‘The Boxer,’ basically consists of nonsense lyrics. However, also like ‘The Boxer,’ the nonsense lyrics seem to carry some level of meaning to them, in this case, a sense of joy and positivity that seem to be Stills’s attempt at winning over Collins and possibly repairing their strained relationship. There’s also a portion in Spanish, which, according to what I’ve read, is meant to be ‘honeymoon music’. Again, this ties back to the ‘Be my lady’ line from the end of the previous section, presenting an image of a possible honeymoon preceding the wedding that Stills seems to picture in his mind and wants to share with Collins.

What this song reminds me of more than anything else is ‘Bohemian Rhapsody,’ just a collection of song concepts connected to one another through the themes present in the lyrics and creating a splendid whole that works as a complete song. And much like how that song took its cues from opera and tropes present therein, ‘Suite: Judy Blue Eyes’ takes its cues from classical suites. While not as grandiose as ‘Bohemian Rhapsody,’ this song isn’t trying to be anything overblown or theatrical; it’s message can basically be boiled down to this: “I’m sad that our relationship isn’t working out. I hope that we can make things work despite this, and I love you.” The simplicity of the song’s theme helps tie together the rest of the song and the complexity inherent therein, in the structure anyway.

Despite the fact that folk rock was basically fading out by the end of the decade, I’m glad that it lasted long enough for us to get a hit song out of this. We don’t hear songs like this on the radio anymore nowadays. Well okay, thematically speaking we do still hear a lot of music like this, but on a structural level no, we don’t hear songs that are this ‘out there’ in terms of how they’re put together. Crosby, Stills and Nash, ‘Suite: Judy Blue Eyes:’ my pick for the best hit song of 1969.