So, when putting
together my previous top ten lists regarding the best and worst hits of 1991, I
was primarily motivated to do it out of curiosity. However, after putting them
together and looking back on all the music I’d exposed myself to, I realized I
actually really enjoyed myself when doing this. Sure it had me listening to a
lot of music I probably didn’t want or need to expose myself to, but I was also
pleasantly surprised along the way. Even some of the artists that appeared on
the worst list demonstrated themselves to be much better than the singles that
made that list would imply from them. And I even felt some level of inspiration
from listening to all these different artists and getting exposed to these
different styles of music. So, I figured that the next step would be to pick
another year and repeat the cycle.
This time around,
however, I picked a year based off of a suggestion from a friend rather than by
my own choice, with the year that was suggested to me being 2001. And in doing
so, I’ve now learned that I need to be a lot more careful when letting other
people make my decisions for me because 2001 was the year of disaster. I’m not
even talking about the 9/11 attacks; this was just a terrible year for pop
music. Seriously. I know that some people point to years like 2005 and 2006 as
some of the worst years in pop music history. Really though, what were the
worst things those years had to offer exactly? ‘My Humps’ by the Black Eyed
Peas? ‘Hollaback Girl’ by Gwen Stefani? ‘Bad Day’ by Daniel Powter? You know
what? At least those were bad in a way that they left an impression on you. The
worst songs of this year weren’t even the kind of bad that left an imprint on
the public consciousness. And it’s not even just that the bad stuff was bad or that
there was so much of it, although there certainly was a lot of it. However,
there was also the issue that there was just so little actual good music and
the little that there was wasn’t even all that good. I managed to find three
songs I’d classify as ‘great’ songs in my 1991 list, but I’d be hard pressed to
find even one from 2001. Again, give 2005 and 2006 some credit; at least they
were able to present good music to counterbalance the bad music! I could have
made a list of the top twenty worst
hits of this year, and if I had I still
would’ve had to make some cuts to it!
However, this was
the year I decided to go with, so I’ll try not to let the issues I take from it
get me down too much. First things first of course: let’s take a look at our
dishonorable mentions for this list, shall we?
All Or Nothing (O-Town) [41; 3; 16
weeks]
Does anyone even
remember these guys? Of the late ‘90s/early 2000s boy band acts that I know of,
these guys are probably the ones with the least distinction to them, not that
it helps that they were given such a boring song to perform. The music’s dull
and lifeless; the percussion doesn’t even come in until the second verse and
even then it’s just as weak as the rest of the track. Also, the song never
really builds up to a satisfying pay off; it remains just as dreary from
beginning to end. The only real things that the boys themselves bring to the
song are lyrics that no one in a relationship would say in real life, such as
‘I’m sharing you with memories,’ ‘Sharing this relationship gets older’ and
‘I’ve had the rest of you now I want the best of you, it’s time to show and
tell’. O-Town wants me to give them all? Too bad, they get nothing.
Crazy (K-Ci & Jojo) [36; 11; 21
weeks]
Much like the
entry above, this song suffers from being just plain boring. The main problem
here is with the production, which is terribly lackluster and is overpowered by
the vocalists, whose overuse of auto tune drowns out the rest of the track save
for the annoying woodblock effect that’s just loud enough that it’s audible
over the singers, but just soft enough that it’s still in the background. This
is just a pet peeve, but woodblock sound effects, or anything that tries to
create some kind of watery sound effect hits the exact nerve in my mind to really
piss me off. Not that the singers make up for it with their drunken performance
that the auto tune fails to cover up or with their incredibly stupid lyrics.
One minute they say ‘I apologize for all the things I’ve done’. Not sure what
things, but you know, those things, whatever they are. The next minute, they’re
saying ‘If you really love me then why are you leaving me?’ Also, they repeat
the word ‘crazy’ in the song over fifty times, and at no point does it sound
like it fits into the song naturally.
I’m a Slave 4 U (Britney Spears) [--;
27; 3 weeks]
Talk about a dance song that makes you
just want to find a spot on the wall. The music to this is already lacking any
fun on its own, what with its seasick beat and incomprehensible melody. Throw
in Britney’s vocals on top of that, which sound incredibly breathy and atonal,
and it just becomes the audio equivalent of water boarding. If this had been an
actual hit, it easily would’ve made it on the list proper. In lieu of that
though, there were several songs worse than this one, which by itself should be
enough indication of how bad this year was.
Peaches & Cream (112) [20; 4; 25
weeks]
Is it weird that
this song actually makes more sense to me if I interpret it as the guys on the
track giving blowjobs to the women they’re singing about? I mean, the peach
metaphors seem to be referring to the vagina, so unless they like sharing
peaches and cream flavored things with these women, I’m not sure how else to
interpret this one. Sadly, having the song make sense doesn’t make it better;
the rappers’ tones are still creepily breathy and reedy, the production
includes an obnoxious buzzing noise that sounds like a horde of wasps and the
wordplay here is incredibly unimaginative. They repeat the chorus a grand total
of twelve times on this song, and that’s taking into account that the chorus is
always repeated twice whenever the song gets to it. Thanks 112 for ruining
peaches and cream-flavored anything for me forever!
Wait a Minute (Ray J ft. Lil’ Kim) [--;
30; 5 weeks]
Speaking of
uncomfortably creepy, repetitive dance songs. The first half of the first two
verses is repeated line for line, and the chorus consists of a single,
irrelevant line repeated over and over. This might’ve made the list if not for
Lil’ Kim, who’s probably the only remotely good thing on this song.
Irresistible (Jessica Simpson) [63; 15;
13 weeks]
Does anyone still
care about Jessica Simpson? Of the blond-haired pop princesses from the ‘90s, I
wouldn’t necessarily call her the worst, but she was certainly the least
interesting. This song is a good example of how she shouldn’t be performing;
she sounds incredibly breathy and her voice actually pitches out at points. No
wonder the chorus includes the line ‘I can hardly breathe,’ not that you’d
likely remember that, or any of the lyrics to this song outside of the first
two lines of the chorus. Also, there are points in this song where the
production sounds like fart noises, which the immature part of my mind finds
kind of hilarious, though the rest of my mind just finds it embarrassing.
Butterflies (Michael Jackson) [--; 21; 5
weeks]
This just was not
a good year for the king of pop. MJ himself isn’t really to blame for the
issues I take with this song, rather the production is. This song is an
amalgamation of some of my biggest pet peeves in music; the beat’s incredibly
slow and tedious, and that obnoxious water sound effect permeates the entire
song. The really sad part is just how lacking in passion Michael sounds here.
My Sacrifice (Creed) [--; 9; 7 weeks]
I don’t think
anyone will be surprised that I think this song sucks. I dislike it for pretty
much the same reasons everyone else dislikes it. The lyrics are incredibly
pompous and holier-than-thou, the music in incredibly sludgy sounding and Scott
Stapp’s vocals sound like they were filtered through a really crappy recording
program while he was singing with food in his mouth. Next!
I Wanna Be Bad (Willa Ford) [84; 22; 11
weeks]
Willa Ford was the
poor man’s Britney Spears. She released one album and had a second album in the
works in 2004, but ultimately shelved it, not that I can imagine anyone
actually wanting to buy it considering how much of a mess this song is. The
attempted incorporation of hip-hop slang and serious overuse of auto tune both
contribute to this song’s failure, but really the problem is Willa Ford
herself. She wants to convince me that she’s capable of being a ‘bad girl’
type? I do not buy that for a second. Of course, this isn’t the only example of
a song that came out this year where a female performer tries way too hard to
convince the listener of something to the point that it stops being believable.
We’ll see that when we get into the list proper though. Still, Willa Ford wants
to be bad? Wish granted!
Speaking of what’s
on the list, those unprepared for what follows best make like a bird and fly
away now. For all others, we’re counting down…
…THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF
2001!
#10
The early 2000s were considered the apex
of neo soul music. While it saw its mainstream breakthrough in the mid-to-late
‘90s, this period was pretty much the peak of its success, with the genre
seeing a decline as the decade went on. Some people might attribute it to such
artists getting screwed over by the industry or struggling with releasing
follow-ups to the albums that came before. Honestly, that wouldn’t surprise me
that much because of the neo soul hits that came out in 2001, the vast majority
of them felt, for lack of a better word, soulless. They were all just dull,
slow and without any kind of pulse to them. Even the artists performing them
seemed checked out and unable to bring any kind of intensity or passion with
them.
Most
of the other entries placed on this list because they were terrible, but this
made the list just by being plain boring.
#10. Love (Musiq Soulchild) [67; 24; 13
weeks]
No,
by the way, that isn’t a typo. He really does spell his stage name that way.
Poor literacy seems to be a recurring theme in his music, particularly his
albums. Anyway, Musiq Soulchild was originally from Philadelphia, having grown
up as the oldest of nine children. After dropping out of school at 17, he
discovered his talent for music, and so decided to adopt the name ‘Musiq’ with
‘Soulchild’ being added on later as a sign of respect for past soul artists.
This song was his second, and highest charting single from his first album, and
was later covered by gospel group Trin-i-tee 5:7, who changed the name to
‘Lord’ and made it a gospel song. Personally, I think it made a lot more sense
as a gospel track, because with how it was originally written it just doesn’t
work.
The
idea of the song is that Musiq here is speaking directly to the concept of
love. The thing is the way he does so it sounds like he’s speaking to an actual
person. I know some of you are probably thinking, “Well, of course he’s
speaking to the concept of love as if speaking to an actual person; lots of
songs have people doing that.” But the choice of words he uses makes no sense
when you step back and look at them. The first verse starts with the
lines:
So
many things I’ve got to tell you
But
I’m afraid I don’t know how
Cause
there’s a possibility
You’ll
look at me differently
How does the concept of love look
at a person, let alone differently? For that matter, how do you say things
directly to the concept of love? I mean, you can try, but I wouldn’t expect a
direct response. And then we get to the chorus, which talks about people using
its name in vain and those that have faith in it going astray. Okay, the idea
of people saying the word ‘love’ in a way that it’s devoid of meaning, I can
understand getting frustrated about that, but people that have faith in love
going astray from it? How does that even work? All he does is talk about the
concept of love as if speaking to a special, personal lover. That’s kind of
weird because, even if love were a person, it’s not exactly singling this guy
out as the only person it would bother to grace with its presence. You are not
special for discovering the concept of love, Musiq!
All
of this is before we get into the real problem of the song: the production. The
main problem I have with most of Musiq Soulchild’s music is twofold: the vast
majority of it sounds exactly the same, with only a song here or there standing
out, and the vast majority of them are incredibly slow and lifeless. This song,
sadly, falls into that majority, probably being one of the slowest, dullest,
songs of his that I’ve heard. There is no pulse to this whatsoever. And it’s
kind of a shame that I have to put it that way because, in all honesty, Musiq
Soulchild is not a bad singer; he does have a decent voice. The problem is that
I just don’t feel any passion or energy in it, though God knows he tries.
I’m
not even sure what else there is to say about this. Though I guess Musiq isn’t
wrong; so many people do use the word ‘love’ in vain, and sadly he is one of
those people.
#9
Back
on my ‘worst of 1991’ list, I mentioned one particular style of song that I did
not really buy into, but I at least understood the appeal of. That particular
song is the slower, smoother, R&B love ballad that tries to present this
softer, more romantic side to its singer. The main reason it doesn’t work for
me is that the slower, smoother tone the song goes for makes the song come
across as sad and unhappy. Sadly, apparently, that particular trend either
didn’t die off or some artists decided to persist with it into 2001.
#9. Differences (Ginuwine) [50; 4; 19
weeks]
It
also didn’t help matters that the particular singer that decided to try his
hand at it this time completely sucked. Say what you will about ‘Love’ by Musiq
Soulchild; at least I felt like his statements were believable; nonsensical,
and maybe even kind of stupid, but believable. However, Ginuwine (a name that’s
both stupid and kind of ironic, I might add) presents nothing but hollow cliché
after hollow cliché to describe how much he loves this woman he’s singing to.
That probably wouldn’t be such a big issue if it weren’t for the fact that the
woman he was singing to was his wife. Kind of makes you wonder why a little
more effort wasn’t put into the song to make it feel a bit more sincere. Of
course, considering what a large number of other songs in his discography were
like prior to this, things like ‘Pony,’ ‘Holler,’ ‘Same Ol’ G’ and ‘What’s So
Different?’ I think it would be a wonder for him to even conceptualize the idea
of sincere love, let alone write a full song about it.
Of
course, much like ‘Love,’ the music is also a huge problem. Unlike ‘Love’
though, the problem here is that the music is so muggy that it basically mutes
any kind of emotion out of the song, and blurs out the majority of the lyrics
to the point that they have no meaning. The lyrics were bland and lacking any
believability to begin with, but this is still an issue. The bass and minimal,
snap percussion don’t really help matters either, barely offering any kind of
support for the song to move forward, and only further cementing how little
passion or emotion or anything is seeping through.
Also,
if the song’s hollow, unconvincing statements of how this girl is ‘the special
one’ weren’t enough, the fact that he and his wife ended up separating as of
November of last year was likely the last nail in the coffin regarding this
song having any meaning. It’s pointless, it’s unconvincing and it’s completely
devoid of substance. Next!
#8
And speaking of
unconvincing…
#8. He Loves U Not (Dream) [28; 2; 14
weeks]
The best way I can
think of to describe Dream is that they were what the Spice Girls would’ve been
like if they were American and more watered down. The vast majority of their
music consisted of sentiments focused primarily towards a female demographic
specifically targeting sentiments that they thought would be relatable. ‘Pain’
is told from the perspective of someone stepping out from a stressful,
one-sided relationship, ‘Mr. Telephone Man’ is told from the perspective of a
girl that feels unappreciated and suspicious of her lover, ‘This Is Me’ is told
from the perspective of a girl whose boyfriend is hesitant to fully commit due
to lingering fears from his last relationship, etc. And there’s nothing wrong
with that; a lot of groups have target demographics, and it makes sense that
they would be pandering to those specific demographics. Business is business.
The problem comes from the fact that they weren’t very good at it. And I don’t
think there’s a better example of that than ‘He Loves U Not’.
This song is
specifically written from the perspective of someone that’s overly possessive
of her boyfriend and gets incredibly aggressive towards another girl out of
suspicion that she’s trying to steal him from her. Okay, speaking as a guy I
will say right away that I’m not the target demographic that Dream was trying
to pander to. Even if I were though, how are the girls listening to this
supposed to relate to it? Yes, people get suspicious of others around them when
they’re in a relationship, usually towards their own lover, but also, on
occasion, with other people as well. The thing is, for all the song goes on
about how the narrator’s boyfriend won’t ever hook up with the girl being
scorned in this song, what proof is there to actually back that up? For that
matter, what evidence is there that the girl is even trying to hook up with the
narrator’s guy in the first place, the fact that the narrator says so? That’s
kind of a stretch for me to believe because, and here’s the real problem with this song, even if the
girl actually is trying to hook up with the narrator’s guy, and if the guy is
as faithful as the narrator says he is, why
does the narrator need to try this hard to convince us of it!?
Actually, the fact
that the girls are going to this much effort to put this other girl down kind
of paints them in the bad light here!
Is the girl they’re confronting really as evil and as desperate to get with the
guy as Dream seem to think she is? For all they know she might just be in the
same book club as him, or maybe she’s just a colleague he’s on friendly terms
with at work or something. In fact, here’s what I hear every time the song gets
to the chorus: “My guy is mature and can make his own decisions. And he’s MINE
YOU SLUTTY WHORE! MINE, YOU HEAR!? MINE! MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE!”
Also, it’s kind of
funny that they would release a song bragging about how loyal to them the ones
that love them are because, not even two years after this song’s release, the
band ended up breaking up due to the fact that their second album’s first
single, ‘Krazy,’ didn’t really see as much success as this song, resulting in
that album’s second single never even being released, the entire second album’s
release being repeatedly postponed, and finally the band being dropped by their
record company. Still, that doesn’t save ‘He Loves U Not’ from being a complete
train wreck. ‘Dream’? Please. This song leaves me feeling like I just woke up
from a nightmare after a bad hangover.
#7
You know what kind
of song just makes me want to roll my eyes in exasperated annoyance? The ‘I’m a
famous person and you should feel bad for me because being famous is so hard’ song. The song where the person
behind it tries to point out all the different ways in which being famous sucks
and tries to get the audience to sympathize with them. These kinds of songs
never work, ever. For starters, the excuses they present as to why we should
sympathize with them tend to be too unspecific or generic to really warrant
being sympathetic about. They might bring up that they’re under a lot of
stress, but never really where that stress is coming from. However, the biggest
issue with these kinds of songs is this: the
people making them are famous! You’re making several times what normal
people make, and you’re likely living in the lap of luxury! No one could
possibly sympathize with that!
It becomes
especially difficult to sympathize with someone when they’ve had a lot of
rather controversial stuff about them brought forth in the media that doesn’t
exactly paint them in a sympathetic light. With that in mind, let’s talk about
R. Kelly.
#7. I Wish (R. Kelly) [87; 14; 7 weeks]
The sad part here
is that R. Kelly legitimately is a good singer. He’s got a strong voice, he’s
got a diverse musical palette; the guy is nothing to sneeze at. At the same
time though, he’s also kind of a disgusting human being, as the following year
would go on to prove. Of course, this is purely a list based on quality and
personal or moral feelings shouldn’t factor in when criticizing it, but even in
that regard ‘I Wish’ is still a complete failure specifically because it has R.
Kelly begging for sympathy from the listener. Keep in mind, prior to this
song’s release, R. Kelly released a song called ‘Did You Ever Think,’ where he
spent the entirety of the song talking about how awesome it is to have become
as rich and famous as he was.
Of course, anyone
can write a song that’s about how bad they have it despite being famous.
Ultimately that alone isn’t really what makes this song as bad as it is. No,
the real reason this song sucks as
much as it does is the fact that it was released under the pretense of R. Kelly
writing a song mourning the death of his mother in1993 and his friend Tupac in
1996. And, for the first verse anyway, it does just that, up until the
prechorus starts up and he starts whining, ‘folks don’t know the half,’
‘somebody pray for me,’ ‘ever since this money come it’s been nothing but
stress’...For the love of God, just shut
up! Also, this is a minor nitpick, but the fact that he does this thing
where he rushes lyrics to make them fit in the bar during his verses just
grates on my nerves.
There’s just no
reason that I can imagine anyone sympathizing with this; it’s a song by a
despicable human being complaining about how hard it is to be famous and
expecting people to feel bad for him because of it! Screw that! If I had one
wish, it would be to wipe this song from existence!
#6
The ‘80s and ‘90s
were a good time for hip-hop and rap music. The 2000s, however, were not. Okay,
I’ll be fair here; good hip-hop music did come out in the 2000s. ’03 and ’04 would
be seeing the introduction of Kanye West, who legitimately is a talented rapper
and producer, even though his behavior in real life has revealed him to be kind
of an obnoxious jackass. And the Black Eyed Peas would release probably one of
their best songs to date: ‘Where is the Love’ in 2003. Though that was before
they went on to release one of their worst songs, ‘My Humps’ two years later.
If we’re restricting ourselves to 2001 though, rap music options were a lot
more limited. There was Missy Elliott, OutKast, Jay-Z, and even though I didn’t
mind their music nearly as much as the nearly endless streams of brag-rap,
‘gangster’ and party songs to come out this year, I couldn’t really buy into a
disappointingly large number of their songs. Maybe it’s just personal
preference, but I just can’t say I felt like 2001 was kind to mainstream
hip-hop. As one critic once said, the worst thing to happen to hip-hop music
was that it became all about having it all rather than wanting it all. And the
vast majority of the hip-hop music that came out this year was dumb,
thoughtless, woman-objectifying, shamelessly bragging nonsense like this. This
one just happened to stand out because a rapper who should’ve known better
helped make it.
#6. Oochie Wally (Nas & the Bravehearts)
[98; 26; 9 weeks]
You know a song is
not exactly top quality material when it consists of two words that are
absolute nonsense. According to urbandictionary.com, it’s apparently an urban
step rhyme that can be used to refer to freaky sex or someone that performs
freaky sex. And that’s exactly what you want to think of when you think of
someone like Nas, right? I’ll just say right now that I’m not a Nas fan; I
don’t really connect with his music because, much like with Dream, I’m not part
of his target demographic. That said, I do have respect for a lot of the music
he released, since it did legitimately seem to match what hip-hop was
originally meant to do: represent the poor and disenfranchised. However, there
is one sentiment that most of Nas’s diehard fans share that I completely agree
with, that being that ‘Oochie Wally’ is one of the worst songs he’s ever
released. It really says something about a song when huge fans of the artist
that released it don’t like it. In that regard, ‘Oochie Wally’ is essentially
Nas’s ‘St. Anger,’ something incredibly stupid that was not what the his fans
wanted or needed to hear and only serves to piss them off. Of course, this
isn’t really a Nas song by itself; no this is actually a collaboration song
between Nas and his posse the Bravehearts. Unfortunately, I think I can safely
say that Nas’s talent as a rapper has not exactly rubbed off on the rest of
them. That’s especially apparent when you consider that this is the only hit
song they ever released.
Just looking at
the lyrics, they clearly present lack of effort or complete douche baggery in
their delivery. Two of the verses start with blatant lyrical lifts from Snoop
Dogg and the Notorious B.I.G. In addition to that, there are some incredibly
dated pop culture references in this song, including Kelly Long, Nia Price and,
I kid you not, “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.” In addition, one of the guy’s
verses presents some rather graphic imagery of how he screws women, while
another contains KKK terminology. One thing all of them have in common,
however, is the fact that every one of them seems to involve the guys screwing
their women, several times in fact, with some even passing them on to the next
guy, then kicking them out. Not that you’d likely notice any of these things
just based on how much they slur their lyrics and delivering each of their
lines in this dull, flat monotone that doesn’t really go along with the music.
Speaking of which,
the music on this track is terrible. It’s just this discordant, ugly mess of
lazy percussion and some attempted exotic music that just isn’t pleasant to
listen to. I understand that some hip-hop is intended to sound down and dirty,
but this doesn’t even sound like it’s having fun with it. It sounds like
something someone lazily put out on some cheap audio production program and
didn’t bother editing afterwards.
Nas did end up
continuing to make his own music after this, and some of it was at least decent
quality. As for the Bravehearts, they dropped both of their albums after this
song’s release, one in 2003 and one in 2008, neither of which really saw the
same level of success that Nas achieved, and thank God for that. The saddest
part, however, is that there were still worst hip-hop songs that came out this
year. We’ll get to those later on though; prepare yourselves.
#5
Oddly enough,
country music was one of the few genres of music that I wasn’t too bothered by
this year. It’s not a genre that I’ve taken that much of a preference for, but
it’s one I haven’t really minded too much, even in more recent years with its
serious decline in quality. Unfortunately, that decline in quality still
exists, and one particular subgenre of country music still has yet to win me
over: bro country.
#5. Follow Me (Uncle Kracker) [19; 5; 27
weeks]
I think this is a
good example of how bro country songs that try to present their performer as
caring, sensitive, or romantic only serve to expose them as the sleazy assholes
they are. I wouldn’t go so far as to call this ‘More Than Words’ levels of bad
in terms of trying to pass itself off as more romantic and less punchable than
it really is; it’s not even close. Trust me though; it’s still awful. The only
thing this song really has going for it is that its chorus is incredibly
catchy; that’s it. There are many things that a decent chorus can redeem in a
song, but when the entirety of the song is just complete crap there’s nothing
to salvage.
Where this song
really suffers, of course, is in the lyrics. People have interpreted the song
as being about both drugs and cheating. On one hand, lines like ‘All you know
is when I’m with you I set you free / And swim through your veins like a fish
in the sea’ suggest the former. On the other hand, lines like ‘I’m not worried
‘bout the ring you wear / ‘Cause as long as no one knows then nobody can care’
suggest the later. Either way though, these are still rather sleazy lyrics that
no one says in real life, yet still paint the person that would use them as
just a slimy asshole. Interestingly enough, when asked about this in a 2007
interview with MTV News, his response was, “I guess it’s kinda both. I would
never want to say anything that would get myself in trouble, being married with
a couple of kids. That song is like a dirty picture painted with a pretty brush.”
That is not an apology; that is a giant middle finger to everyone that expected
something better out of this song. Ladies, gentlemen, if a guy or girl tries to
sell themselves to you like this, I
beg you do not follow them. Just turn around and run as fast as you can to the
police, or to someone you know and trust and never cross paths with that person
ever again.
#4
I don’t like Ja
Rule. Big surprise, I know. The guy always performs every song with the same
dull, atonal drone that destroys any attempt at atmosphere. He always sounds
like he’s suffering from a serious case of strep throat while drunk off his
ass. That, for the record, is when he’s trying to sing, though it’s not like
he’s much better when he’s rapping. And that’s before we even dissect his
actual lyrical content. The vast majority of his songs are built around the
‘thugs need love too’ song formula, which I feel holds about as much weight as
the ‘being famous sucks’ song formula. The basic idea for this particular
formula is that the rapper tries to explain why he needs this person he’s
presumably in a loving relationship with, but also still trying to keep up
their thug image by bragging about various thug clichés, including having lots
of money and sleeping with lots of women. In addition, the song generally also
has a female singer on the hook to give it a much softer, more romantic feel.
Maybe there are thugs out there that legitimately are in positive, monogamous
relationships, but I find it hard to believe that Ja Rule is one of them. For
those of you with doubts, let’s look at his attempt at winning over the ladies
with his biggest hit single to date.
#4. Always On Time (Ja Rule ft. Ashanti)
[--; 7; 5 weeks]
Ja Rule seems to
rely a lot on people like Lil’ Mo and Ashanti to carry his songs, which is a
shame because listening to such songs demonstrates that they clearly are trying
their best to do so. They’re just stuck working with a guy that can’t maintain
the tone they’re trying to set. If this had been a better year, I likely would’ve
included more Ja Rule songs on this list. In lieu of that, I’ll settle for this
one because it’s the one where Ja Rule’s biggest flaws are the most prominent.
Keep in mind that
this song is trying to make Ja Rule seem like a figure that is both sensitive
and caring, a guy that has a special relationship with that one girl that’s
right for him. Now, allow me to completely shatter that image by pointing out
that the first verse points out that she has a restraining order against him.
Kind of killing the sweet, romantic atmosphere by pointing out that you can’t
stand within a hundred feet of her, or communicate with her or anything. And
with the following verses, he only serves to further present exactly why she’s
likely justified in not wanting to be around him. For example, he talks about
how he values material things over ‘bitches,’ which he classifies this girl
he’s in a relationship with as. Furthermore, he’s rather graphic about his
descriptions of how he treats the girl, mentioning that he yanks her braids,
smacking her butt and fucking her like crazy. The censored version is even
worse, with the descriptions in the verse instead replaced with statements that
make it sound like he’s assaulting her. On top of this, he also brings up that
he has other women, according to him two or three for every car that he owns,
whom he keeps high on ecstasy and sends home sexually aroused. And to top it
all off, he goes on to question this girl’s loyalty and complain about mean
things she’s done to him even though he’s done nothing but indicate that he
most likely deserved it.
Honestly, if this
song confirms anything for me, it’s that Ja Rule is little more than a poser.
He wants to make us believe that he’s both a tough thug and a sensitive, caring
lover, and yet the way the song’s delivered he fails to convince me of either
one. Then again, considering the vast majority of his songs are carried either
by lazily used samples or much better performers, I find it hard to believe he
ever had any integrity to begin with. Ja Rule: barely a rapper, hardly a thug
and not even remotely romantic.
#3
I didn’t really
get into this on my previous top ten lists, but I try not to be too hard on
child performers. They’re still little kids; they’re not really old enough to
know better regarding the quality of their work. In time, they might mature and
grow and become the people that serve to shape the future of performance art,
for better or worse, be it in music, dance, theater or some other form of
performance art. And those that don’t tend to either fade from the public
consciousness or lead incredibly unhappy lives that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
So, please understand where I’m coming from when I say that I feel really bad
about putting something like this on the list because it’s not like I’m doing
it to be mean to the performer. I just feel like there’s a point where someone
is old and confident enough to be able to perform music and perform it well,
and then there’s letting a little kid have a microphone and say whatever someone
else put in his hand without realizing that he would likely be embarrassing
himself if he were old enough to know better.
#3. My Baby (Lil’ Romeo) [74; 3; 10
weeks]
I honestly do not
understand how anyone thought it would be a good idea to put this kid in a
studio, write up something like this for him to rap and play it for a
mainstream audience. This kid was not ready for radio play; he doesn’t sound
like he knows what he’s doing. Percy Romeo Miller, Jr., who at the time went by
the name Lil’ Romeo, though now just goes by Romeo or Maserati Rome, was the
son of rapper and entrepreneur Master P and former rapper Sonya C., nephew of
rappers C-Murder and Silkk the Shocker, cousin of producer, singer and rapper
Mo B. Dick and brother of singer and actress Cymphonique Miller. With a
background like this, I’m guessing that the only reason he even got a record
deal was through nepotism and connections. It wouldn’t surprise me if such were
the case.
Even within the
context of the song he sounds like he’s too young to be rapping at his age. He
states in the song that he’s only eleven years old. Yes, Michael Jackson was
the same age, possibly even younger when he started performing but besides him
child music performers are just not the right pick for mainstream radio play.
Speaking of Michael Jackson, let’s talk about the sample they used for this
song. Back on my worst of 1991 list I had considered putting 'O.P.P.' by Naughty
by Nature on the list but ultimately gave it a pass because it was a fairly
clever reworking of the context of the sample it lifted from the Jackson 5’s
‘ABC’. ‘My Baby,’ in turn, also lifts a sample from a Jackson 5 song, but its
use of it is much lazier and far less effectively executed. For starters, the
female singer they hired to sing the hook sounds like she’s straining her
vocals at points and she doesn’t transition between lines smoothly at all. It
doesn’t even sound like they gave her decent quality recording equipment to use
for her lines! For another, they didn’t even do a good job editing the sample
for this song. There are points in the music where you can clearly hear the
lines ‘I want you back’ being sung in the background. Someone did handle
editing on this, right?
Furthermore, the
subjects he raps about are things only a kid would care about. He talks about
owning a Bugs Bunny chain and watch and even quotes Looney Tunes in the song.
Not sure what you’re trying to prove kid, but I don’t think admitting you own
Looney Tunes merchandise is going to boost your street credibility. Also, he
mentions that he’s making A’s and B’s in class and after high school, he plans
on going pro. Again, I don’t mean to rag on the kid for this, but I must ask
why did someone think that these were things that a mainstream audience would
be able to relate to? Who else owned a Bugs Bunny chain and watch at the time
this song was released? How did the fact that this random child planned on
going pro at basketball after high school affect the lives of anyone else in
America? Of course, one thing that does jump out at me is the fact that he
mentions people wearing gear produced by No Limit, the record label he’s signed
to. Yep, the kiddies these days are never too young to be used for
commercialism.
When I first heard
this song, I was under the belief that they let this kid write the material
himself or make it up as he went. However, a friend of mine informed me that
the lyrics were actually written for him by studio executives. In response, I
simply have to ask what they were thinking when they wrote this. I feel like I
should say that this sounds like something they should be old enough to know
not to write, but honestly I feel like even little kids could write something
better than this.
I’m honestly not
even angry or seething at this song; I’m just confused. Who is this supposed to
appeal to exactly? Say what you will about Justin Bieber; at least when he got
big he had a specific demographic that he appealed to. This though, I’m not
sure what was going through the minds of the people that took responsibility
for this poor kid. Regardless, for allowing him to make terrible music as a
child, he has now proceeded to continue making terrible music through his
adolescence and into adulthood. Not that anyone would notice, since he’s not
had any chart success since ‘My Baby.’ I wish I could say that this was a sign
that the general public has learned its lesson about letting child performers
take the stage before they’re ready to do so, but then I remember that nine
years later we were given ‘Whip My Hair’ by Willow Smith. God, this world…
#2
Some of you were
probably expecting me to include ‘How You Remind Me’ by Nickelback on this
list. Sorry, that’s not happening. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not a Nickelback fan
by any stretch of the word. I just don’t get the hate that so many people have
for them. I mean, I’ve seen the reasons people list regarding why they hate
Nickelback, but I can’t say that they’re unique regarding those qualities.
Nickelback are derivative and all of their music sounds the same? Rick Astley’s
music started out being rather samey-sounding, yet I still like it. Chad
Kroeger’s vocals are incredibly abrasive and grating? I don’t see how they’re
any different from the vocals Klaus Meine used on ‘Wind of Change,’ and I
really like that song too. The band takes most of its influence by lifting
ideas from other bands before them? Welcome to the modern music world;
everybody does that! The band
members are obnoxious jackasses that rub their success in the faces of their
haters? Well, I guess that’s not something I really have a defense for, even
though there are other celebrities that do the same thing.
I just don’t feel
the same hatred for these guys that everyone else does, and I don’t understand
why it’s Nickelback that’s seen as the face of all that is wrong with modern
rock music. Creed I can understand the hate for; Scott Stapp always sounds like
he’s singing underwater and the band’s sound is just muddy and ugly, but
Nickelback are not exactly a group worth pouring all your hatred towards in my
opinion. No, if you want a band that does deserve for you to spend your time
venting your anger and hatred at…well, I guess you could go with Limp Bizkit,
but barring that, there’s Crazy Town.
#2. Butterfly (Crazy Town) [29; 1; 18
weeks]
Crazy Town is
probably one of the most monotonous bands you will ever hear. Every single
song, they always perform with these dull, flat vocals that bring forth no
enthusiasm or passion at all. That’s probably one of the worst things I could
say about a rock song; that it was ‘passionless.’ Yet that word perfectly
describes Crazy Town’s entire discography to a ‘T’. When I first heard this
song, I didn’t even realize there were two rappers in this band just because
both of them sounded exactly the same! And even with their songs that do have
them shifting their tone slightly, they still have the habit of needlessly
repeating single phrases in some vain attempt to fill up space in the song.
Speaking of which,
let’s talk about the lyrics to this song. The first thing I notice is that the
narrator apparently has a short attention span since he talks about specific
details that he sees about the girl he’s describing, including that she has a
tongue ring and I guess really weird fetishes, then ends it with the line ‘The
only thing I really know is she got sex appeal’. Furthermore, the second verse
has him starting by talking about how he’s no good for this girl because of the
wild lifestyle he lives, just to interrupt it with the random line ‘So yo,
what’s happening now?’ It doesn’t fit the rhyme scheme, it doesn’t fit into the
story he started telling then just gave up on; the line serves no purpose. Then
there’s the bizarre ‘Sid and Nancy’ line. I’m guessing that’s supposed to refer
to the romance between Sid Vicious of the Sex Pistols and his girlfriend Nancy
Spungen. That particular romance resulted in Sid Vicious devolving into a
heroin addict like Nancy was, the disbanding of the Sex Pistols, Sid’s
disastrous solo career and the eventual death of both people, one via a knife
wound, the other via overdose. Not sure if that’s the romance the guys at Crazy
Town had in mind when they wrote that line. Since I wasn’t alive at the time
the events transpired, and thus couldn’t witness it, I mostly had to go off of
the 1986 film based on that romance. And man, it is a depressing watch. The
film is not even the slightest bit romantic. I wouldn’t recommend it for a date
night.
Of course, the
real issue comes from the fact that they clearly just repeated lyrics in the
song for the sole purpose of filling up space. Not an instrumental solo or
anything, just more repetitions of lyrics. One example is the chorus, which is
always repeated twice, and is stated a total of eight times throughout the
song, twice between each of the verses and four times at the end of the song.
What’s that? Even that wasn’t enough to fill up the dead space in the song on
top of the nonsensical lyrics? Why don’t we also include the phrase ‘come and
dance with me’ repeated sixteen times at the end of the song for no reason?
I don’t think I
can think of a song that more perfectly captures the essence of 2001’s pop
music better than this song; it is monotonous, meaningless, repetitious and
asinine. And yet, believe it or not I found a song that I thought was even worse.
We’ve dug the grave, built the casket and made the funeral arrangements. Time
to set the final nail in the coffin for this God-awful year…
#1
When putting
together my list of the top ten best hit songs of 1991, I was pleasantly
surprised when I chose to expand my picks to include anything that charted in
the top 20 or 40 in 1991. This was because I had opened my options up to look
at other songs and found, not just songs I liked, but the song that ended up
being my choice for the best song of that year. Sadly, the exact opposite
happened when I opened my options up for 2001. Not only did I find few songs
that I actually did like, some of which sadly wouldn’t qualify for my best
list, but I also ended up finding even more songs that I absolutely hated. I
tried to be flexible and let myself be surprised. In response I just found
myself disappointed even further.
And that brings us
to my number one pick for this list, which I only found out about by reaching
beyond the year-end hot 100 list for 2001. When I first listened to this song,
I was left in shock. I found myself grappling with the concept of how a song
like this could possibly become a hit. Everything else on this list gave me
various different reactions: disappointment, boredom, horror, disgust,
annoyance, anger, but these are things that any generically bad song could
inspire. No, something has to be a special kind of bad to leave me feeling
absolutely insulted.
#1. Because I Got High (Afroman) [--;
13; 6 weeks]
I’m guessing many
of you didn’t even realize this song was a hit. Look, I am completely aware
that this song is meant as a joke. There is nothing wrong with that; a song is
an artistic medium and thus a means for expression, so the musician behind it
is free to write it about whatever he wants. The problem is it’s not a funny
joke. It’s stupid, witless humor that has a flimsy setup and an unsatisfying
payoff.
In the event those
of you reading aren’t familiar with this song, allow me to sum up the ‘plot’ of
the song, if you will. The narrator is a married man with a child, is going to
college, and is basically living his life out through his normal day-to-day
routine. However, he ends up getting high and has his life spiral downhill,
eventually leading to a meta joke that the narrator of the song is currently
high as he is performing the song in that very moment. That’s it. As far as
jokes go, this is the musical equivalent to ‘Freddy Got Fingered’. It doesn’t
scrape the bottom of the barrel because it’s not the bottom of the barrel. It’s
not even below the bottom of the barrel. It doesn’t deserve to be mentioned in
the same sentence as barrels! I hope you’re happy Afroman; your song has
reduced me to lifting the quote Roger Ebert used to describe ‘Freddy Got
Fingered!’
By the way, the
idea behind this song was apparently inspired by Afroman’s ‘unwillingness to
clean his room,’ leading to him playing around with the idea of a guy having
his life ruined by drug use. That’s the most minimal inspiration I can think of
for someone to come up with for a song. And the music certainly matches in
terms of its minimal percussion, production consisting purely of a single bass
line and background vocals, and the performer’s off-key singing. If Afroman
were to state that he actually was high at the time he performed this song, I
would totally believe it!
Within the first
few minutes of hearing this song, I was honestly left in shock, actually
pondering putting it as an honorable mention on the best list. It was just such
a terrible song that it was incredible; I paced for almost an hour wondering
what kind of response I could come up with for this song before realizing
exactly what had just happened: ‘Because I Got High’ by Afroman broke something
in me. I had nothing I could say about it, I couldn’t talk to other people
about just how awful it was, I wasn’t even able to take notes down when putting
this list together to document its awfulness. It is complete and absolute crap.
Screw this song, screw Afroman, screw this list, and screw 2001!
